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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  September 27, 2011 1:30am-2:30am PDT

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captioned by media access group at wgbh >> stephen: tonight, is google affecting search results for their own benefit? is the pope catholic? google says no. and my guest is legendary rock band radiohead. if you were a real fan, you'd be watching this on vinyl. [laughter] prepare yourselves, radiohead. you're about to meet television face. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheering and applause]
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>> stephen: welcome to "the report," everybody. thank you so much. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. good to have you with us. [audience chanting "stephen"] nicely done. nicely done. welcome to "the report." and a special welcome to the first-time viewers of "the colbert report" who are watching only because radiohead is here. my name is stephen colbert. thank you for purchasing a tv. [laughter] folks, it is a huge night. there are going to be performance, interviews with the band, and to make it feel like a real concerts, we're going to be putting some tall, sweaty strangers out front to block your view of the show. [laughter] no, no. not yet. not yet. thank you. later. later. and nation, nation, we are doing a full hour.
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that's an action-packed 60 minutes with absolutely no padding. no padding at all. [laughter] not a touch. of padding. which, as i have previously stated, we are not going to do. now, although some of the reruns of tonight's show will only be a half hour, it's kind of a shame because first half hour is great, but the second half hour is insane. so if you're watching the half-hour version and want to know what you missed, just google "tom york: lion attack." good stuff. [laughter] and this is especially exciting tonight, folks, because radiohead is not only one of the greatest musical acts of this or any generation... [cheering and applause] but also, also, they are the
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ultimate anti-corporate band. as part of their war against selling out to big business, in 2000 they played a tour inside a custom tent so they'd be free of corporate logos. and in 1997, they turned down a lucrative deal to call okay computer okay tangerine immac3g. so tonight in honor of radio head's anti-corporate commitment, i am proud to announce... dr. pepper presents stephen colbert's rocktember, with radiohead, they present themselves because they're nobody's tool. dr. pepper, the official soft drink of radiohead. [cheering and applause] i know, it's exciting. it's exciting, but ladies and gentlemen, i have a rare
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correction to make. dr. pepper is not, in fact, the official soft drink of radiohead. that is a shameless fabrication and a gross betrayal of radiohead's trust, and i for one am disgusted that i thought i could get away with it. just take it. take it down, jimmy. take it down now, because as far as i know radiohead has no official soft drink, so they couldn't do much better than first name in indy cred, dr. pepper, containing the same preservative that keeps iggy pop alive. now, folks, i understand that tonight is going to be a mind-blowing evening for the music nerds, which is why in the event any radiohead heads totally lose their [bleeped], i've got hipster paramedics standing by. hipster paramedics. [cheering and applause]
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hipster paramedics, thank you for joining us. >> yeah. what's up? laughter laugh >> stephen: so you are. there you will help anyone who passes our or needs assistance. >> yeah. because i have medical training. laughter laugh >> stephen: right. because you have medical training. >> yeah, i have like a lot of training. [laughter] >> stephen: i kind of need to know if you actually have training because i'm responsible for these people. >> yeah, i'm sure you are. >> stephen: i'm serious. do you... be straight with me. do you even know c.primep. r.? >> i don't listen to classic rock. >> stephen: but you will be standing by to offer first aid. >> yeah, until radiohead comes on. then i'm totally going to lose my [bleeped]. [cheering and applause]
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>> stephen: okay. thank you. thank you very much. okay. clearly i'm going to need to... >> this opening act sucks. bring on radiohead, man! [cheering and applause] >> stephen: so clearly, clearly radiohead wants nothing to do with corporations. i just wish the u.s. government regulators felt the same way. jim? >> the first thing i'm going to do on day one is issue an executive order saying all the regulations put in place by barack obama's administration are put on hold an we're getting rid of the ones that kill jobs. >> we're going to stop the e.p.a. from going forward with any of these regulations they've got. >> stop damaging the economy with job-killing regulations. >> there is no other agency like the e.p.a. it should really be renamed the job killing organization of america. >> stephen: yes, government regulators like the e.p.a. are killing good jobs, like pelican
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scrubber or next-of-kin caller. fortunately some brave corporations have found a way to protect themselves from big government telling them what to do, and it's the subject of tonight's "word." i think, therefore i brand. nation, these days no company is taking more flack than google. last week google was publicly accused by presidential candidate and cursed doll come to life rick santorum of bias in their search results. eight years ago santorum reasonably compared gay sex to "man-on-dog." so gay advice columnist dan savidge successfully led a campaign to make the top google search for santorum a filthy, juvenile phrase i'm not going to say because this is family show. let's just say it rhymes with
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frothy mix of lube and faecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex. now, personally, folks, i feel terrible for rick. his name has been dragged through the mud. god, i hope that's mud. [laughter] and rick claims that if something was up there like that about joe biden, google would get rid of it. that is true. because it's impossible to find anything embarrassing about joe biden on the internet. [laughter] now, santorum isn't the only one accusing google of bias in how search results are displayed. last week google c.e.o. eric schmid was dragged before an antitrust regulatory panel to respond to allegations that google unfairly put their own services like google flight and google places at the top of their search results ahead of competitors like expedia. but folks, google has the perfect answer to regular --
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regulators. a leading search engineer pointed out, "our web search results are protected speech if the first amendment sense." yes, web searches are enshrined in our founding documents. we have the right the life, liberty and the pursuit of hacked scarlett johansson news pics, and google is not the only company demanding their firm rights. >> tobacco companies are suing the federal government over a plan to put graphic photos on cigarette packs, claiming the mandatory labels violate their free speech rights. >> they say the requirement is a violation of the first amendment. >> stephen: yes, cigarettes have a firm right to be alive with pleasure as written in the constitution by the fathers, james madison, thomas jefferson and joseph camel. [laughter] regulating a cigarette tax's ability to entice me to buy it is a violation of its free
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speech. i may not agree with what a carton of smokes says, but i will fight to the death for its right to say it. and we all know... we all know corporations are people, protected by the first amendment. finally their products are protected, too. it is a major milestone in corporate civil rights. and remember, the first amendment protects not only speech you like but speech you don't like. therefore government regulators must not persecute products just because they don't fit some bureaucrats' narrow definition of fireproof or potable. i say... [laughter] i say that speech is always speech, and it is time we finally let these product americans be heard, starting with my personal physician dr. marvin pepper. thank you for joining me, doctor. as always, i'll give you the
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last word. oh, what a refreshing point of view. and that's "the word." we'll be right back. [cheering and applause] [cheerin]
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is going the play songs from their latest album. i have bypassed the major label system and downloaded them directly to my studio. please welcome radiohead! [cheering and applause] thank you. thank you. gentlemen, thank you so much for joining me in the dr. pepper flavor zone. [laughter] we are just so incredibly excited to have you guys here. now, you guys are the biggest thing ever. how did you... how did you guys get started? did you win "idol" or "the "x" factor" or "britain's got
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talent." >> no, we're not one of those bands. >> stephen: that's how we pick our bands in the united states. that's how someone gets big here. >> we were in school together 20 odd years ago or so. >> stephen: you guys well preserved. congratulations. so the new album is called "the king of limb." it is awesome. are you guys doing a christmas album this year? >> we've never done a christmas album. >> stephen: have you haute -- thought about it? >> no. >> stephen: i did a christmas album a couple years back. it won a grammy. >> did it? >> stephen: you guys got any grammys? >> i think we have, haven't we? >> stephen: how many you got? >> best packaging. we won best packaging. >> stephen: that's one of the top ones right there. [applause] can i... can i... can i pick a bone with you guys for a second? would you mind that?
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phil? why british? [laughter] i ask because, don't get me wrong, i think, listen, there are some great bands from across the pond. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: but americans could be rocking, and you're taking american rock jobs. [laughter] i mean, is the british invasion a good thing for america? why do we like you? >> we don't know. [laughter] >> no clue. >> stephen: no clue. do you look to any of the earlier invaders for leadership, like the stones or the beatles or anything like that? >> oh, yeah. we're still waiting for the greeting when we get off the airplane with the crowds and [bleeped]. >> stephen: yes, well, perhaps if you were lovable mop tops in, you know, with collars, but you guys have this totally indie kind of ragged quality to you. tom, how old are you?
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>> i'm 42. >> stephen: you're 42. grow up, guys. okay. and i mean that lovingly. i mean that lovingly. let's talk about the corporate thing. why not... why are you so against corporations, man? they're job creators. >> why are we against corporations? i don't think they spread the wealth particularly. i think it tends to go up. >> stephen: it trickles down. >> no, no, no. >> stephen: it does. we just haven't given them enough. [laughter] but corporations, like tonight, we're sponsored by dr. pepper, which i readily admit... >> we didn't talk about that. >> stephen: new york we didn't talk about that. i apologize because... [laughter] i should have checked. i should have checked to see if that was the official soft drink of radiohead, and it is not. and that is on me, and i apologize. would you say it's out of the
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question? >> i think so. it tastes like that stuff you get in the dentist when you want to swing and a swizzle down. >> stephen: well, he is a doctor. [laughter] [cheering and applause] you're not corporate anymore. did you make more money doing it by yourself or with corporations? >> what's the official answer to the question? >> stephen: come on, come on, you maid more must be by yourself. >> we sell less records but we make more money. >> stephen: so fewer people are hearing it, but you're making more money. [applause] no, listen, no, listen, that means that... so you're motivated by greed, and that i can respects. [laughter] would you please stick around and do a song for us? [cheering and applause] we'll be right back with a performance by radiohead.
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[cheering and applause] [ beeping ] ♪ hush, little baby ♪ don't you cry ♪ soon the sun ♪ is going to shine ♪ [ male announcer ] toyota presents the prius family. ♪ walk if i want, talk if i want ♪ [ male announcer ] there's the original one... the bigger one... the smaller one... and the one that plugs in.
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they're all a little different, just like us.
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previously unreleased track "the daily mail," which in england is delivered by al, ladies and gentlemen, radiohead. ♪ the moon is up on a mountain the lunatics have taken over ♪ the asylum ♪ waiting on the rapture
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singing we're here to keep your prices down ♪ feed you to the hounds to the the daily mail ♪ together, together you made a pig's ear ♪ you made a mistake
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paid off security ♪ and got through the gate you got away with it ♪ we lie in wait where's the truth ♪ what's the use i'm hanging around ♪ lost and found when you're here innocent ♪ fat chance, no plan no regard for human life ♪ you'll keep time
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you've no right ♪ you're fast to lose you will lose ♪ you jumped the queue you're back again ♪ president for life love of all ♪ the flies in the sky the beasts of the earth ♪ the fish in the sea have lost command ♪ [cheering and applause] >> stephen: thank you so much. that was really good. we'll be right back. thank you. thank you very much.
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i'm robert shapiro.
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over a million people have discovered how easy it is to use legalzoom for important legal documents. so start your business, protect your family, launch your dreams. at we put the law on your side. night where my guest will be rocker melinda gates -- >> stephen? >> stephen: what is it, jimmy? >> we've got another 30 minutes to do. >> stephen: can't we just make this the half-hour rerun?
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>> later. first we have the make the full hour and then cut it down. >> stephen: whatever. someone needs to get their [bleeped] in a pile. i'm stuck out here for another half hour with my [bleeped] in my hand? i have no idea what to do. speaking of not knowing what to do, global warming. now, radionation, i know global warming is real, folks. i have believed that ever since the box office success of al gore's movie. the market has spoken. the same reason i believe there are transformers on the moon. i'm not one of those cooks who thinks that transformers lunar landing was fake on a sound stage. and the evidence for global warming is mounting. the european commission reported this week that since 1990 global emissions of carbon dioxide jumped 40% with margin of error of plus or minus all polar bears, and the united states emits more co2 per capita than
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the european union and china combined. just think what those emissions numbers would be if america still made anything. [laughter] right now it's all coming from hobo fires and vin diesel movies. [applause] and the evidence, the evidence of climate change is all around us. this year texas had the hottest summer on record of any state ever. it was so hot that rick perry executed prisoners by putting them on the dashboard of a black 1985 buick skylark. in the face of all this mounting evidence, america has stood with one voice and boldly proclaimed, eh. in 2007, 46% of americans said that environmental problems were very serious and should be a priority for everyone compared to only 33% now. since the economic collapse, fewer and fewer people care about the environment. which is surprising since more and more people are living in it.
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[laughter] and everybody knows what the problem is. >> we're addicted to driving cars. >> we're addicted to cheap gas. >> we have a heroin-like addiction to imported oil. >> stephen: yes, we are addicted, and ask anybody in addiction recovery, you've got to hit rock bottom before you can ask for help. that's why i am constantly helping out junkies by giving them heroin. and they thank me. by giving me money. by, folks, america has not hit bottom yet. the results of global warming simply aren't bad enough to feel. no matter how hot enough it is outside, my air conditioner still pumps our cool air, especially now that the dial has melted in the on position, but one day our environment will get bad enough that we'll want to act on it. maybe when florida sinks underwater. then we'll take action, perhaps by giving nana water wings and a can of shark repellent.
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unfortunately some people, like my fest tonight, the radioheads, are delaying our moment of clarity by trying to shrink their carbon fingerprint. they've reduced their emissions during tours by shipping their equip via trucks and votes instead of jets and use energy efficient bulbs in their light show. are you ready to rock? well, you're going to have to wait a minute. the bulb needs time to warm up. [cheering and applause] i say if you're not part of the problem, you are never going to be part of the solution. here to defend not saving the global village by destroying it, please welcome back thom yorke and ed o'brien. thom, ed, thanks so much. thanks for coming, guys.
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thanks for sticking around to figure this thing out. by the way, that song you guys just did was awesome. [laughter] it was really incredible. >> thank you. >> stephen: now, guys, you heard how people feel act global warming in the united states now. just in the that man people believe it anymore and they don't think we should do anything. why do you think global warming has lost its appeal to americans? >> well, there's a lot of people that were paid to spread disinformation for many years. they're still being paid to do that. >> stephen: who? that's quite an accusation, my friends. >> scientists. [laughter] >> stephen: scientists? scientists and their friends, little bunnies? up to 2% of scientists don't believe in global warming. up to 2%. >> yes. >> right. >> stephen: but they don't have a right to be heard? >> no, not really, no. >> stephen: okay. but why do you two care about it so much?
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what motivated you to make this something that influenced your business decisions. >> well, on a very primal level, we've got children. an you want your children and their children and your children's children to have a better planet to live on. >> stephen: what do you think of my idea? i believe that it just isn't bad enough, because if it were bad enough, we're in the bad people, we would take action. and if we run through the fossil fuels, if we load the sky with carbon, then it will be obvious. right now you kind of have to be a scientist to understand what's going on. >> not if you live in bangladesh. >> stephen: what's going on there? >> it gets wet quite a lot there. >> stephen: didn't it always get wet. there i don't mean to be facetious because i don't know what the word "facetious" means, but it is really hard from those of us who live in the united states, and there's a lot of high ground, there to understand what's motivating people in the rest of the world to get worried about this. for instance, european, you guys
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are from what historians call europe. [laughter] why are europeans more attuned to this than americans? why do you guys... why do you guys believe it more than we do? >> i think that's a myth. i mean, i think there's a big thing with the media going on here. if you ask those people in texas after the hottest summer, i'm sure most people are concerned, as concerned as europeans. >> stephen: not their governor. >> there's a reason for that. >> stephen: because he's man of faith? >> faith, yeah. hmmm. well, it's... let's just say in order to get elected you need to have funds, right, to... so you accept money from companies. >> stephen: corporations. there's that bad word again. >> corporations. some of the largest ones are oil companies, right? >> stephen: yeah, obviously. that's what runs the world is oil.
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did you guys come here on an ox cart? [laughter] you know, we need... are you living an oil-free lifestyle. >> uh-uh. >> stephen: no. do you ever feel guilty about the amount of oil you use? if you believe in saving the environment, you aren't playing... that takes electricity what you're doing. it's got to be powered by clean coal. [laughter] you've heard of clean coal? >> yeah. >> stephen: do they have that in england yet? >> oh, yeah, yeah. [applause] >> stephen: well, if you guys... will you stick around and burn some more energy and play another song for us? >> yeah. >> stephen: before even thinking, who is saving the world better, you guys or bono? quick. >> definitely bono. >> stephen: definitely bono. you'll get there. thom, stay right there. we'll be right back with more radiohead. thank you very much. >> stephen: welcome back.
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ladies and gentlemen, once again please welcome radiohead. [cheering and applause] ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ open your mouth wide
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inside ♪ and while the ocean it's what keeps me alive ♪ go out and see don't blow your mind
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♪ oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪ oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
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♪ i'm moving out of all this. ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ [cheering and applause] >> stephen: wow. wow wee. we'll be right back. wow. thanks very much. >> stephen: here with another
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song off their new album "the king of limb," radiohead.
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♪ don't you ask me now the last one out ♪ ♪ look around, look around it's all good ♪ i don't know i should know ♪ oh oh oh ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ ♪ a girl with my love the last one out of the box ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [cheering and applause] >> stephen: we'll be right back. thank you so >> stephen: well, that's it
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for "the report," everybody. i'd like to thank our special guest, dr. pepper. i also want the thank radiohead, who were totally worth the whole hour. [cheering and applause] and now, with the national anthem, ladies and gentlemen, radiohead. [cheering and applause] ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ ♪ everyone. everyone around here ♪ everyone is so near what's going on ♪ what's going on
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♪ everyone everyone is so near ♪ everyone has got the fear it's holding on ♪ it's holding on ♪ ♪ ♪ holding on
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holding on [cheering and applause] - whoo! that is a mom butt right there-- long and low. - whoa. daddy likes mom butts. - have you guys ever looked at your checks before? - direct deposit, dude. - no. no, i haven't. - it's bizarro, man. it says i only get, like, half of my money here. - seriously? who's fica? why am i paying him $55? - "meeda-- meed-a-care"? i don't even know what that is. that's not even a real thing.


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