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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  March 22, 2012 1:35am-2:05am PDT

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thank you so much. (cheers and applause) thank you very much. good to have you with us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> not bad, thank you very much. (cheers and applause) >> folks, i got to till t is good to you have with us but it is not good to be here. because as far as i'm concerned it is not show time. because i refuse to bow to the big government chrono-nazis and their daylight savings time. no washington bureaucrat tells me how to a rust-- adjust the tilt of the earth's axis. i tell you, folks, this is just barack obama stealing an hour of my life to redistribute it to poor people. (laughter) i know they say, they say, yeah-- (applause) they say-- yeah, i clap when i'm angry too. yes. (laughter) they say you get your hour
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back in the fall, but whose's earning the interest on that hour in the meantime? the unions, that's who. how else does he get those lunch breaks. so as far as i'm concerned it is still 10:30 and i'm not just going to sit here and talk into this camera. i'm going to sit here and talk into this camera. (laughter) folks, tomorrow are the big gop primaries in alabama and mississippi. that is not just the deep south, that is dipped in batter and deep fad fried south. and everybody knows i'm a loyal son of the south. you can tell by my thick southern accent. and of course the parasol i carry to protect me from the noon day sun, or else i do declare i will get a brain fever. now dix-year land has been a republican bulwark ever since richard nixon's southern strategy in 1968 when nixon won by appeal tolling southern conservatives by stressing state's rights, law and order and a solid pledge to
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hunt down those duke boys. so any republican without wants to be president has to woo us and i'm delighted to say that we've got three very handsome gentlemen callers, along with that nice old man who keeps promising us gold. (laughter) now i like that rick santorum even though he's from pennsylvania. but how can i resist a georgia peach like newt gingrich? he's a southerner born and raised, except where he was born and raised. and mitt romney also exists. (laughter) and mitt has just saved the glowing endorsement of the preeminent chronicler of southern culture, the heir to william faulkner, mr. jeff foxworthy. james? >> mitt romney will be campaigning in alabama and mississippi, with comedian jeff foxworthy by his side. >> m itt is the right guy for the job. >> now if you are's a
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multimillionaire entertainer, supporting the candidacy of a wealthy financier from massachusetts, you might no longer be a redneck. (laughter) (applause) and folks, i got to tell you, mitt's not just walking the walk he's drawalling the talk. >> morning, y'all. good to be with you. i started right with a biscuit and some cheesy grit, i'll tell you. this is a guy from mississippi and his name is garrett jackson. this guy is with me every single day, takes me everywhere i go. >> four years at ole miss, and so he is now turning me into an, i don't know, an unofficial southerner and i'm learning to say y'all, and i like grits. and thing -- strange things are happening to me. >> yes, strange things are happening to him. because becoming a southerner is a lot like
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puberty. your voice changes beyond your tess tickles secede from the north-- testicles secede from the north. but newt-- but newt gingrich was not going to take that grits comment lying down. although from the looks of him, he has eaten grits lying down. >> the first time he had ever tasted grits. i just wanted to reassure all of you, that i have had some acquaintance in a variety of forms, whether it's with shrimp, with cheese, with gravy, i get it. >> oh, newt has thrown the chitlin down. but i'm sure mitt will pick it up because he's not aware that chitlins are hog intestines. so what will it take for any of these candidates to win the south? here to tell me is the official southern strategist of the 2 004 and 2008 john
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edwards campaign, 100% pure bubba meat my friend david sauders. what's up, mud cat? >> hey, man, you know what, jimmy, could we give a little southern light in here. put a little light, maybe through the magazine knollia, that's beautiful. >> beautiful. >> you want some sweet tea. >> sure. >> all right, here you go. >> in a mason jar. >> beautiful night. >> now dave, now dave, mud cat, you're from the south, i'm from the south, all right. but we're different kinds of south. i'm from south carolina. where are you from. >> i'm from the southern appalachan mountains. here's where i am from. >> there si difference between those two southerns. like how do y'all see south carolina. >> well, i always heard that, you know, south carolina was too small to be a country and too big to be a mental institution. >> there's some truth to that. >> there's a lot of truth to
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it. >> we have three candidates who are not true southerners. what do southerners care b how can they reach them? >> well, in the south, and you were talking about the southern strategy, and of course, it was implemented even further with lee atwater, introduced wedge politics in 1980. but i think the best way to characterize the south, where you're from and where i'm from is go to jim webb's words, fight, sing, drink, pray. i think that is pretty much everything about us culturally. >> fight, sing, drink, pray. >> all right that sounds like a good party. >> it does. >> all right, you know what, where is my manners, would you like a gun,. >> love to. >> all right there we go. all right, this feels good to hold. now now okay, now can southerners tell when people are pandering to them in
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fake ways? like what about mitt saying y'all and talking about cheese grits. >> we don't eat cheesy grits in appalachan. we eat grits, i think cheese was brought there by the yankees. >> really? from wisconsin and vermont. >> right. >> well, can the republicans win without the south? >> the republicans are going to take this town. >> how did that happen, how did nixon turn the south fully republican. >> i think strom thurman, of course, move together republican party, the southern strategy, i think, you know, the southern strategy was smart but what it really got down to is 1980 lee atwater. god, guns and gays is where it went. but this time, you know, i see mitt romney, especially, if you go up into the rust belt, they're not going to be able to use the same wedges of gods, begins and
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gays. >> in the south we still love god, we still love our guns and you know, being gay isn't at the top of our list. >> that's definitely not. >> all right. >> there are a lot of big, prominent gay republicans in the south, right. >> well, yeah but -- >> unless newt has an announcement to make, which would shock all three of his wives. now when people are trying to pander to southerners are there things that people shouldn't do, politicians, excuse me, are there things that politicians shouldn't do, are there things politicians shouldn't do? i mean you can go too far in pandering to southern people? >> without question. >> really? >> without question. it is easy to spot. >> really? >> i did the mark warner campaign in 2001 and he wasn't from the-- and so we immediately decide, mark does, that we're not going to do that. we're going to say i'm not from the culture. but i like it. and -- >> so should mitt romney
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drop the y'all? >> i think it would be better. i really do. >> he only has about 24 hours left. >> i know. but he's going to have a fight in virginia and north carolina, and if he doesn't win florida, in my opinion, he can't beat obama. and he's got to win it. if you take the fourth big states, new york, california, texas and florida, he's got to win two of them. and if he don't take florida and you and i both know if you are looking for rednecks, by god, the river era hilton is full of them. >> yeah. >> florida is the mecca of rednecks. >> really. no offense to mecca. (laughter) dave mud cat sauders, we'll be right back. thank you, dave. >> thank you, steve.
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>> welcome back, everybody. nation, you know what they say, you should feed a cold, starve a fever and barbecue a staph infection. at least that's what i hope they say because my float is slaerted in miss the question this is cheating death with dr. stephen t colbert, dfa. >> where's the pretty lady? >> oh, that say two, my friend. a quick disclaimer, minot a medical doctor, i am a doctor of fine arts, which is why after i performed surgery most people say, my five-year-old could have done that. (laughter) as always, cheating death is brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals, prescott, quality drugs since 1989. established 1910. first up, nassal health. folks, i'm a long time
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subscribers to the anals of otology, rhinology and lar ingology. i read it for the hot ossicles on cochlea action. and apparently there is an exciting new way to stop nosebleeds. according to the article cured salted pork crafted as a nassal tampon-- tampon and stopped in the nasa vault stop nassal hemorrhage promptly. that's right, the hero once again is lifesaving bacon. i assume the deck teac teach-- technique-- i assume the tech affect was discovered when someone was shoving bacon into every available hole. now dr. sonia saraiya explain how these bacon blockers work. >> we think it works because the salt in the pork actually makes all the tissue in the nose swell up. we found out that people in the 1900s used to use salted pork for controlling bleeding. >> yes, all the best medical ideas come from the early
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1900s. that's why i treat my dropsy with dr. arbuckle's suspension of cocaine and pink ture of cocaine. dr. arbuckles comes with the cocaine, stay for the cocaine. and the news that pork could be a nassal tampon got prescott to work on the world's first all pork feminine hygiene product, hampax, ladies, it's pure cured lamb so you will feel as fresh as a spring day behind a deli counter. and it's so comfortable, whether you are running, biking, or fleeing a pack of dogs, side effects of hampax include pork shoulder, that time of the mutton, and schnitzel weiner. next up, folks, reproductive health. we all know there's-- folks, we all know there's been a media firestorm over contraception lately. women without use birth
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control want taxpayers to foot the bill. even though last time i checked contraception has nothing to do with the foot. besides, if you want to avoid getting pregnant there's only one surefire way. be a man. although, i haven't gotten my period in a while. so once again it is up to men to do the baby blocking. scientists at unc report that new data on male rats shows that exposing testes to ultrasound can shut down sperm production which could lead to an effective contraceptive. contraceptive for rats, really? what happened to rat abstinence education? you can have a perfectly good time while stopping at rat third base. wallowing in feces. but since women refuse to buy their own birth control with their hard earned 75% of what men make, if all guys to blast our testeses
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with ultrasound, which is why prescott studios is proud to present the first cd for men, jock jam. an album of sperm schriff elling hits. here's how it works. simply slip on a pair of junk cancelling head phones, then you're ready to rock out with your [bleep] out. with hits like not born in the usa, great balls of firing blanks, papa's got a brand-new bag but it's empty. and many, many more. side effects of jock jammed include norwegian wood, chubbywumbas and scrotal eclipse of the heart. well,-- (applause) >> well, that's it for cheating death. brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals, we never settle for less.
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we settle out of court. until next time i'll see you in health. (cheers and applause)
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>> thank you so much. welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a macarthur genius grant recipient who lived for three years in india slums. huh, you think a genius could have found a nice hotel. please welcome katherine boo. (cheers and applause)
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miss boo, thank you so much for coming on. all right. you are an american. you write for "the new yorker", you used to writ for "the washington post". are you the recipient of the pulitzer praise and a macarthur genius grant, la di da, okay. genius grant person, what number am i thinking of? >> 86, you can buy that [bleep]. >> really? >> under the table money. >> you can buy genius grant. >> uh-huh, yeah. >> i have to get me one. are you also the author of a new book, behind the beautiful forevers. life, death and hope in a mumbai undercity. what is an undercity. >> it is a place that is increasingly hard to see these days, low income communities like those, like the slums in mumbai, lake many neighborhoods in our country. >> why can't we see them. >> because you are in a gated community. >> i am in my gated community. >> you have your tinted
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windows. >> right and i have sunglasses that have mirrors on the inside. i saw slumdog millionaire, okay s that what this is, is this slumdog millionaire. >> exactly there is no song and dance though at the end. >> there is no song and dance at the end. >> no song and dance, no. only trouble is that these are real people, like actual people so, when are you talking about somebody who gets beaten up by the police or somebody who gathers garbage for a living, those are real people, they don't get to go to the oscars afterwards. >> and how many people are in the undercity that you spent three years going to. >> this one is on land owned by the mumbai international airport. and so there are about 80,000, 90,000 families liver on this land. and if you take a place lik like-- only six people out 36,000 have permanent work. >> what is the level of poverty we are talking about. you talk about one young man named abdul who lives in a shed filled with garbage he collected and he is flipping garbage traying to make money off of it. >> uh-huh. >> is that person poor by
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indian standards. >> no, in this slum, this kids is a kid without honor in even in his own family, his brother is smarter and cooler. but he's managed to support a family of 11 buying and selling the things that rich people throw away. and so he has got, when the story begins he has prospect its better than almost anybody in the slum. >> what is the standard of poverty in india if that person isn't poor. >> it's like the iraq war. you know, if you redefine what winning is or redefine what poverty is, nobody's really poor. >> why don't we do that here. when you go there and spend three years living with people who are by our standards abjectly poor. >> uh-huh. >> what does america look like you to when you come back. >> it looks like it is incredibly fixable. also you turn on the tap, oh pie god, potable water, that's amazing. yeah, i come back hear and i think oh f we were really serious about fixing poverty we could do it like half a second. >> what would you do?
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if it's fixable, how do we fix it. obviously -- >> cut the taxes of the rich. >> kpabdly. >> i will suggest that. >> because that trickles down here. >> that's exactly what i am trying to see by spending the tlae years, exactly what does trickle down. >> does anything trickle down. >> it is a society in which corruption takes so much opportunity from the poor that corruption itself becomes one of the opportunities that remain. >> if there was some advice you could give american politicians, based upon what you see as the failures of the indian politicians or do you think this country is being governed well. >> i think it is the same thing in deli as it is in washington. there is so much energy expended on, you know, thinking up the next new idea for fixing poverty but there is very little attention to say, to what actually happens when that money gets to the poor people on the street. >> i mean, one of the reasons why, the only reason i would be willing to give poor people money is so i don't have to think about
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them any more. and that's a dollar well spent. because if i think about them too much i might want to give them even more money. >> we wouldn't want to you have compassion for people. >> no i can't get compassion fat agency because then i will be fat agencied. -- >> do journalists have a form of missionary work. i mean is this-- this must have been incredibly hard, tacking work to do. there must have been easier work for to you do. you could have been a food writer for a few years. >> yeah. i think, first of all, i think this is incredibly cool work to do because i get to spend my days with people who are doing interesting things and who are, i find to be inspiring on so many levels. so i actually find that it is a reasonable way to make a living. >> was it hard. >> sure it was hard. >> why work at something hard. i work half an hour a night. katherine boo, thank so much
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nor joining me. katherine boo, the book is behind the beautiful forevers. we'll be right back. as a chef we are always committed to our suppliers... you know, those farmers, those foragers, those fishermen... for me, it's really about building this extraordinary community. american express is passionate about the same thing. they're one of those partners that i would really rely on whether it's finding new customers, or, a new location for my next restaurant. when we all come together, my restaurants, my partners, and the community amazing things happen. to me, that's the membership effect.
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>> s this's it for the report, everybody. mac: 6:58, 6:59, seven minutes. keep going, buddy. i'm working on the chicken parts situation here. forget the chicken parts. charlie is about to shatter the world record for holding his breath. we are going to be world famous after this. - charlie, how you doing? - i got to breathe. no, charlie, don't breathe. the buns are going to burn. mac: come on! - forget about it. - are you breathing? - of course i'm breathing. - well, you ruined it. we could have been famous. - (knock at door) - come in. hi, i-- oh, i'm, uh--


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