tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central April 24, 2012 11:30pm-12:00am PDT
>> jon: that's our show. here it is your moment of zen. >> we heard that he was quote unquote going to charge $800. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> tonight "the colbert report" presents super tuesday 2, election bugaloo, death match in helloware. >> good evening, ladies and gentlemen. i'm stephen colbert, reporting live from a beautiful tollbooth here in delaware, the rest stop state. tonight residents will be casting ballots in five states -- connecticut, rhode island, pennsylvania, new york and delaware -- with major
consequences for the five g.o.p. hopefuls. [laughter] now, i should mention that i planned this coverage months ago, back when the race was a wee bit tighter. but i already spent the money, so let's go to our election night team. joining me now from washington, political analyst and former head of the d.n.c., donna brazile. donna? >> it's a great honor, sir. >> stephen: thank you, donna. make sure you hold on to those receipt, please. >> sounds like plan. >> stephen: okay. and at the family research council headquarters, conservative activist tony perkins. tony, i hope you brought a book. [laughter] okay. and for the international perspective, david bowie. [laughter] why did i pay him in crystal? plus covering the rhode island primary, me from 12 years ago on
"the daily show." me, why is rhode island important? rhode island. it's really close to boston. [laughter] poor bastard. that is a dead-end job. i'm being told the results are in. let's take a look at those. [laughter] okay. and let's see here. romney, romney, romney. [bleeped] jimmy. i'm going home. captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] >> stephen: welcome to "the report." thank you for joining us.
so kind. thank you so much. [audience chanting "stephen"] thank you so much. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. it's good to be home. nation, we will have more news on delaware in, like, four years i'm guessing. [laughter] but for now, folks, back in january, i sat down with legendary author of "where the wild things are" maurice sendak to get some advice on how to break into the children's book racket. >> every celebrity is out there cashing in on children's books, and i want in. what's it take for a celebrity to make a successful book? what do i got to do? >> you started already by being an idiot. [laughter] >> stephen: the man knows talent. so i read maurice my story, "i am a pole and so can you" to get his reaction. what do you think?
>> the sad thing is i like it. [laughter] >> stephen: well, maurice, if lying it made you sad, you're going to be clinically depressed that "i am a pole and so can you" is being published on may 8th. [cheering and applause] and check out the blurb. "the sad thing is i like it," maurice sendak. [cheering and applause] folks... thank you. look at that. it's got pictures and everything. "i am a pole and so can you" is the inspirational story of a pole trying to find his place in the world. it's the perfect gift to give a child or grandchild for their high school or college graduation. [laughter] also father's day. also other times. and, folks, it's available as an
audio book, read by none other than tom hanks. six whole minutes of uncult hanks, and tom's already started to lose weight to play the pole in the movie trilogy. and all of my and tom's money from this audio book will go to u.s. vets, the united states veterans initiative, which helps veterans transition back to civilian life. now, of course... [cheering and applause] thank you. thank you. yes, i agree. of course, one kid's book does not an empire make, so i recently spoke with dame julie andrews, the author of 26 children's books, including "mandy," "dumpy the dump truck" and the "very fairy princess" series to ask her help finding my way through the dark forest of children's publishing. this is grimm colbert-y tales
with julie andrews. thank you for being here. >> i'm thrilled to be here. >> stephen: dame andrew, why children's literature? >> i started writing books for children by accident. i loved the games. i was playing with my kids. >> stephen: what was the game you loved? >> well, they were acting out all over the place. and the mary poppins in my rose up and i said, okay, everybody, we're going to play a game here. you do this or you pay a forfeit. and jenny my eldest said, well, all right, but you have to play the game too. and i said, what do i have to do? she said, you have to stop swearing so much, jules. >> stephen: i've heard you have a mouth like a drunken sailor. >> it is true, but i wasn't swearing at my kids in a bad way, but it was [bleeped] [bleeped]. so of course i had to write the story. >> stephen: i didn't think that was... wow. >> it's true. >> stephen: let's move on.
you know, i sing. >> yes, i knew that. >> stephen: would you like to sing with me? >> no. >> stephen: no? >> i don't think so. >> stephen: okay. all right i'm loving the "very fairy princess" books. i'm reading "here comes the flower girl." i'm half-way throughment i've been reading about two weeks. >> you've been reading for two weeks? >> stephen: yep. and in these princess books, you talk a lot about finding your inner sparkle. do you believe that you're born with sparkle or that sparkle is a choice? >> that's a good question. >> stephen: that's why i asked it. >> i'm not sure. >> stephen: i believe sparkle is a choice. >> i think some people are just born full of joy. our character says row can be anything you want to be. your just have to let your sparkle out. she's the antithesis of a princess. she's got holes in her tights. she's a real tomboy. >> stephen: is she a lesbian? nothing wrong with that if she
was. >> no, nothing at all, but in this case she's just a little tomboy that doesn't know how not to sparkle. >> stephen: can you fake sparkle? i hear some women do? >> oh, yeah, i've heard that. i questions -- guess sometimes you have to fake it a little. >> stephen: do you sparkle? >> i sparkle about anything. i'm told i even sparkle about things like brussel spouts. >> stephen: how would you sparkle about a brussel sprout? >> are you kidding? oh, my god, brussel sprouts, and they're roasted. that's a real turn-on. >> stephen: are you going to yell through this entire interview? >> no. really by sparkle we mean what is it that makes your heart sing? >> stephen: you know what would make me sparkle? if we could sing a little song together. >> i don't think so. >> stephen: you've also written a series of books about "dumpy the dump truck." >> those are for very young, young men. >> stephen: very young. "dumpy the dump truck" spoke to
me. >> really? >> stephen: how does dumpy learn how the take a dump? >> well, he just does that automatically because that's what he is. but don't go any further. >> stephen: ever thought about extending the series to other objects? are rusty the trombone? >> no, we haven't got there yet. we have a lot of other books, but we haven't done the trombone yet, but good idea. >> stephen: yeah. trombone nobody wants to play. [laughter] because it's all rusty. >> rusty. >> stephen: then they try it and it turns out to be fun for everybody. >> even rusty. >> stephen: yeah. i have a new children's book called "i am a pole and so can you." >> uh-huh. will you sign one for me? >> stephen: i would love to. they are $15.99. i'd give you a discount, but if i did that for every game that came along, i wouldn't sparkle. you know what i admire about you and the book, besides that the kids love them and it's got sparkle, synergy.
you got the princess books. you got the princess diaries movie. >> and here's a bit of serendipity, the target corporation decided that they would make a national princess week. >> stephen: let's move some merchandise, shall we? >> that's right. >> stephen: they're selling so many great princess products at target. i picked up this pack of disney princess underwear. [laughter] it's got all the great princesses right on the underwear. we got snow white. there's rapunzel. sleeping beauty. i'm wearing the belle underwear right now. really changed me. >> okay. anyway, enough about merchandise. target is celebrating a special week. >> stephen: well, julie andrews, i want to thank you for sharing your books us with, your secrets of synergy, your tales of sparkle and magic. before we go, would you just like to maybe sing one song with me? >> i think we'll just call it a
day, shall we? >> stephen: ♪ you got to accentuate the positive ♪ >> no. >> stephen: ♪ eliminate the negative latch on to the affirmative ♪ >> ♪ don't mess with mr. in between ♪ ♪ and have faith or pandemonium ♪ liable to walk upon the scene to illustrate ♪ the last remark noah in the, a ♪ what did they do just when everything looked so dark ♪ what did they do oh, man, they had to ♪ accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative ♪ and latch on to the
the global currency standard. you can use it all over the world from buying sushi in tokyo to prostitutes in cartagena. [laughter] there are no challengers to america's currency domination. until now. >> since iceland's unanimous, collapse in 2008, there have been a lot of discussions about whether the country should stick with the icelandic krona or adopt another country's currency. iceland is considering documenting the canadian loonie as it's official currency. >> stephen: nation, i have never trusted our health care-addicted nemesis to the north. they always have to make our stuff their stuff. canadian bacon, canadian beer, canadian baseball. and now, now they're angling for a canadian global currency. everyone knows george washington should be the only icon recognized by the world's market, not canada's first president, featherford b. loon.
iceland, you must resist the pressure from canada's charismatic strong man queen elizabeth ii. handsome woman. what's wrong with your own currency, the krona? yikes. [laughter] i've never played that board game. but, folks, this is just the beginning of canada's currency coup. >> the first dinosaur fossil discovered in alberta's peace country is getting a cool new iman on a glow-in-the-dark quarter to be released by the canadian minting. >> the coin itself is very important because the first glow-in-the-dark coin. and once the coin has been exposed to light for 20, 30 seconds, if one takes it into a dark place, all of a sudden the skeleton begins to glow. >> stephen: what? what! hold on. how does glow in the dark work
again? >> once the coin has been exposed to light for 20, 30 seconds... >> stephen: okay. 20 to 30 seconds. go on. >> if one takes it into a dark place... >> stephen: okay. dark place. i always forget that part. and then? >> the skeleton begins to glow. >> stephen: what! glow-in-the-dark quarters? i can't wait to tell chip and scott about this. maybe if we ask our moms she'll drive us to ontario this summer and we can get some. i'm so excited. folks, folks, folks, canada's coming after our young people. what do you think they're going to prefer, a glow-in-the-dark dino quarter or a creepy quarter with a guy on it? we must fight this before we lose a generation of young americans to the scourge of canadian politeness. u.s. mint, get to work on a scratch-n-sniff dollar or maybe a 3-d dime where f.d.r.'s head
[cheering and applause] welcome back, everybody. thank you. my guest tonight is currently the number-one ranked chess player in the world. i'm going to ask him what the little horsie does. please welcome magnus carlsen. [cheering and applause] magnus, thank you so much for coming on. honor to meet you. magnus carlsen, we are not so different, you and i. [laughter] >> no. >> stephen: we are both geniuses, number one in our field and both very young. [laughter] >> i can see that. >> stephen: now, you are the third youngest grand master of all time. and you were the youngest, age 19, the youngest number-one ranked chess player in the world.
[cheering and applause] hold were you when you started playing? >> i was about eight. >> stephen: eight years old. and by the time you were 13, you were a grand master. what was the affinity you had for chess from the beginning? >> i don't know. i just started playing, and i... well, i liked the game, so i started studying a lot. >> stephen: but a lot of people like the game. what do you see when you look at a chessboard? are you seeing like little wooden pieces on a board, or are you seeing some sort of fourth-dimensional game? do the pieces turn to you and say, "move me, magnus?" do you see the board differently than a normal, average, not-genius? >> not really. i just see the board, the pieces, everything, and then obviously i think of patterns,
what to do next and so on, but i mean, the pieces in general, there... they are just tools for me. >> stephen: so they don't talk to you? >> no. >> stephen: not too much? >> not too much, no. >> stephen: you're not just a chess player. you've also done late bit of modeling. do we have those photographs here of some of the modeling that you've done? [audience reacts] we've got another one up here. that is... that is... that might be the sexiest chess player i've ever seen. [applause] so now in europe, in europe where they love the chess, you're a superstar, right? >> yeah, especially in norway. >> stephen: norway. you got two big sports, chess and, uh, uh sadness. [laughter] it's an indoor sport, chess. does that help in norway since you have the long winters? >> yeah, probably.
i guess in norway when it's cold and dark outside, people need something sort of... >> stephen: do you have any special moves? do you psych out your opponent? like do you get up and walk around? >> i do sometimes. >> does that psych out your opponent? >> no, it's usually because i'm bored. >> stephen: really? you're so good that you're mostly bored in competition. when you win, do you have a special move? do you spike the bishop and go, "how you like me now?" >> no, not really. i just... i try to be respectful to my opponents. >> stephen: what do you think of bobby fisher? he was our great champion. he went the crazy is. there a fear that that would happen, that you think about chess too much and you will lose your mind? >> no. i mean... >> stephen: really?
do you like fisher? >> absolutely. he's one of the greatest players of all time. and it's impossible not to like his chess... i mean, you can say whatever you want about him as a person, but as a chess player, you know, i cannot help but admire him greatly. >> >> stephen: any time i have a guest who is a competitor, i don't let them leave this building without competing with them. >> sure. >> stephen: i'm a grand master of my own. i am the second youngest grand master of rock paper scissors of all time. would you play me best 2 out of 3? >> of course. >> stephen: okay. all right. let's be clear. let's be clear. it's one, two, three, shoot. you don't shoot on three, one, two, three, and then you shoot. >> i don't have to say shoot, right? >> stephen: i'll say "shoot." ready? >> yes. >> stephen: how are you strategizing? because i got a strategy already. i'm seeing 20 steps ahead.
and there is only one step. >> for me it's 100% random. >> stephen: see, you have no opening. >> yes. >> stephen: all right. one, two, three, shoot. one, two, three, shoot. [bleeped] okay. two out of three. two out of three. two out of three. ready? one, two, three, shoot. [bleeped] [cheering and applause] magnus carlsen, thank you so much. the new grand master of rock, paper scissors, magnus carlsen. we'll be right back.