tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central May 16, 2012 1:00am-1:35am PDT
- six paid personal days off per year. option to buy into company health insurance? boring. one milkshake water fountain? awesome. - psst. no-bra friday. - jillian. yes, that's a great idea. no-bra fridays. we're not gonna wear bras on fridays. - nope. - and one legit half-christmas party to be paid for by the company. yeah. - it's kind of the reason for the season. - i'm really blown away. no, seriously, i think you guys did an amazing job on this list. i'll tell you what we should do. i think you should chop off your [bleep], and then park them inside your buttholes. - okay, we'll use that and then negotiate from there.
- negotiate. - negotiate. - negotiate. - negotiations. - as you can see behind me, i have a new dream team. - [coughs] - anders, i want you to escort them out the building. - i don't think that's gonna be happening. - did jamie foxx and gabrielle union just walk in the door? because someone's breaking all the rules. - where did you get this? - from the tightest butthole on the block. anders! - he's got a hard "on." - yeah, he does. - and i love milkshake water fountains. - well, this isn't gonna matter, anyway. - well, why don't you try to explain how you have all your employees calling people on the do not call list, mister? - i was just following orders to protect my job, okay? those numbers came directly from corporate. - well then, who's gonna protect our jobs, alice? - fine, i will give you your jobs back, but you are only getting two paid personal days a year.
- how do you say, "i don't think so," in chinese? - [imitates chinese] - [scoffs] fine. you can have the rest of the day for your stupid party. [all cheering] - what about health insurance? my husband has lupus. - okay, don't ruin this for everyone, beverly. you've got yourself a deal. [imitates chinese] - ew. god, how have you ever gotten laid? - college was a very drunk time in three girls' lives. ho! boom! - look, everyone. it's snowing. it's a white half-christmas. - god. - whoo! - beautiful. - heads up, guys. cleaning my grill. [deck the halls] ♪ - nice. >> may 7, 2012. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york,
this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: ee-how. weirdest audience tonight. in china, your name sounds like (beep). well, in iowa they love it when you make fun of them. i really... i'm just going to stop asking them questions. seriously, in iowa-- and this
is true. in iowa they are so hard up for celebrities there's a sign up that says, "home of the future birth place of captain kirk." is that true? i know that is true. you were thinking i was creating that to use hyperbole to create humor. (beep) true. let's move on. because i know the audience at home, they're like, oh, good, inside jokes. (sighing) anyway, welcome to the show. guest tonight admiral general shabazz aladeen, leader of wadiya, a small oil-rich autocratic state in, let's say, north africa. our new segment. international house of pander cakes. first up, russia where newly re-elected president vlade miles an hour putin... just go
to the tape. >> i mean it's pomp and circumstance inside the kremlin. putin is sworn in as russia's president. >> putin won russia's presidential election in march but opposition leaders claim that he did so largely because of fraud and ballot stuffing. >> jon: a bunch of sore losers. and by "sore," i mean they've been beaten brutally. they actually are bruised. putin's inauguration began, of course, with the traditional swearing-in by placing the hand upon russia's wine list. and the presidential strut through russia's famed salute to the values of the struggling proceed lee tear yat room. that looks like the inside of donald trump's anus. look at that thing. the people must control the means of production. (beep) are those diamonds? say what you will about putin's melodramatic governing
style, his hard-line oppression of free press and dissent in any form, you had to be moved by how much putin is enjoying this moment. there he is. living in... living the dream. just beside himself. overjoyed. can't believe... he says, i have been happier getting a colonoscopy. this man is being... the man's face looks like how you would imagine a novel characteristically the russian people were overjoyed. >> putin has power illegitimately illegally come to power again. >> jon: what a nice man. he will be missed.
moving west. see what happens when you combine disparate european countries with a variety of cultures and languages, one made-up currency, a global financial meltdown and a social safety net that offers workers 30 weeks paid vacation a year, workers retirement at 26 and chocolate. let's go europe. either the fault line between europe's ruling class and its denisons has just crackd open or manchester united has drawn with barcelona. yes, austerity has proven to be quite unpopular amongst the newly austere. it's effects are now being felt electorally. >> in greece the two main political parties center right and socialist parties who backed the bailout together
won only about a third of the vote. voters rejected them both in favor of more extreme parties on the left and right. >> jon: interesting choice. rather than choosing a single path greece has gone with the by polar approach. >> the left wing party which has a very radical program and probably holds the swing votes in the parliament now. you know, it's basically an old line communist party. >> greece for this election over the weekend you saw 20 neo nazi candidates who came into power. that's the first time that's happened since 1974. >> jon: greece elected old line communists and neo nazis to rule at the same time. you know what might get us out of our chaotic political situation? what if we took two failed yet
opposing ideologies, you know, the ones that battled in world war ii, and hired them? it's like if you take a reese's peanut butter cup but instead of chocolate and peanut you, you use (beep) and poison. still now i may be wrong though. these are neo nazis. they any be different from your nazi classic. less hate. maybe a young tune for the kids to dance to. let's hear their platform. >> seal our borders with mines. >> jon: all right. (beep) seal your borders with mines? i guess that explains greece's new tourism motto. all right. greece was just one of two countries holding elections this weekend. the other france. where president nicolas sarkozy squared off against francois hollande.
french voters given the choice a bureaucrat with a implausibly hot wife or the bureaucrat with the implausibly hot girlfriend. where's my list of things i don't understand about france. let me put this on there. why do all your elderly middle aged bureaucrats have really hot spouses or girl friends? it's on my list with why are all your skunks so date rapey? why when you buy baguette do you only get half a bag to put it in? and i mean, bag is in the name. why do you put your most hunch backed people in charge of ringing your heaviest bells?
do you really think your kids should be drinking wine? why do you have so much trouble walking against the wind? how windy does it get there? girard de par due. anyway ( cheers and applause ) i have a whole list. i can keep going. anyway, the winner of the election hollande. he promised to echbd the sharp cutbacks initiated by sarkozy. in an exciting moment in european history the very... greece and france sending a course-correcting message that the austerity measures is part of an he u stability pact were not acceptable to the citizens
of those countries and will not stand. >> german chancellor angela merkel has already started firing off the warning shots. >> we in germany are of the opinion-- and that includes myself personnely-- that the stability pacts cannot be renegotiated, merckel says. >> jon: germany. i forgot europe's most powerful economy holds most of the cards. in some ways their power can nullify the effects of other countries' elections. that's right. nearly 70 years after the end of wofld war 2, germany controls all of europe. the irony. they don't have an army. who would have thought the key to german world domination would wind up being an international banking conspiracy? we'll be right back. ♪ [ electronic ] [ air rushing ]
♪ o superman i can also use the camera button... to take photos at the same time. [ announcer ] the htc one, available from t-mobile. and, boy... oh, my... [ male announcer ] ...are they enjoying it. i might get another one. with some more sauce. [ male announcer ] but their quick bite to eat... could potentially turn into a long night of the shakes. thankfully, evan's corolla has available entune with bing to help them find another restaurant. another reason you can always count on corolla. from toyota.
( cheers and applause ) >> jon: thank you. welcome back to the show. on saturday president obama officially kicked off his re-election campaign with a rally at virginia commonwealth university. with the youth as excited for obama 2012 as they were for obama '08. we sent al madrigal to investigate. >> reporter: the youth vote. it helped bush obama over the top in 2008. though it's no surprise he officially kicked off his 2012
campaign at virginia commonwealth university. but will the youth vote be a problem this time around? >> the vulnerability for the president in firing up young people in this economy. >> it's the beginning of the end for the relationship between young people and the president. >> reporter: from what we saw at this pre-speech campaign rally just down the street from v.c.u., as of may 5, 2012, young obama supporters are fired up and ready to go. >> i'm fired up and past ready to go. >> are you really committed to this effort? >> yeah, man. i'm committed. >> (screaming). >> reporter: do you think you can keep this enthusiasm up until november. >> i think i can because i drink bud light like it's water. drink vodka like it's water. at the kiehl a like it's water. >> reporter: can you keep it up until november. >> are you kidding me? i come in here all the time. >> i'm (beep) fired up. >> reporter: do you think barack obama will finally be able to not worry about the
combative congress and he can actually be progress i have been in his theoretical second term? >> i smell weed. >> reporter: surprisingly despite a dark and uncertain future, these students have managed to stay hopeful with simple remedies. are you worried about tomorrow? >> no. tylenol and water. >> my future starts monday. my weekend starts on friday. >> i get up. i don't have to worry about hangovers because i don't get drunk. >> reporter: riding this wave of enthusiasm... who wants to go hear the speech? ... i left the unofficial rally and arrived at the main event expecting to see the same palgs and energy. instead, i found this. and this. and this. party shirts but no party. >> this place has no enthusiasm. i mean i was at this other obama rally.
that had dancing, at the kiehl a shots, karaoke. >> was it a cinco de mayo party? >> no it wasn't. (beep) what's your problem, man? >> reporter: i was sick of the cynics. i went back down to the streets where voters are energized and engaged with issues that really matter. what issues are important to you? >> make marijuana legal. >> if marijuana was legal, i wouldn't be going to jail on tuesday. >> reporter: hope is still in the air, mr. president. you have until tuesday. >> jon: al
>> i said 9/11, 2012. (screaming). >> jon: please welcome admiral general aladeen. ( applause ) >> jon: that's beautiful. >> you're okay. you kiss my ring. >> jon: i did. the ring is not.... >> i just.... >> jon: my saliva is very caustic. i have a disease. >> you have herpes? last time i went on united airlines flight here from the flight attendant i think his name was kevin. he gave you it too. >> jon: yes, sir, too. he gives everybody herpes. that's why the service is so good. would you care for a seat? >> no problem.
you ask whatever you want. no pressure. >> jon: hello. these are your guards, i guess. >> these are my virgin guards. i have 25 of them. they are checked for their virginity every night by the head of my penis. no, they are. >> jon: i understand. does your penis have like... you put a miner's light on there. >> good, finally somebody asking me questions about my penis. i waited so long to come to america, fly all the way here to have you ask me questions about my penis.
please. so ask away. it is like a little mouse. you won't feel it. when i do a sex activity with you later. i'm not a homosexual. it's more of a power trip for me. >> jon: i understand. >> humiliation of you. in jest. please, please, relax. >> jon: what kind of activity.... >> don't worry. your family is safe. they are having a great time. >> jon: are they.... >> your son is learning a lot. >> jon: okay. the... we'll keep it this way. >> maybe you don't touch the gun. >> jon: i certainly don't want to offend in any way obviously. you're very gracious to bring yourself and your dlgts.
>> thank you. >> jon: you're very welcome, sir. les not mince words. you've lost king jong il dead. qaddafi dead. osama bin laden dead. who do you play cards with now? who do you play bridge with now, with those gentlemen gone? >> rick santorum. ( cheers and applause ) i like him despite his liberal views. but you are right. all the big ones are gone. hussein, qaddafi, cheney. you know, i lost these friends. i miss them. qaddafi, i miss you. i mean, qaddafi, i miss you. >> jon: i understand. he was pursuing, if i may-- and again this is very sensitive. >> please, please. >> jon: weapons of mass
destruction. nuclear weapons. biological weapons. this type of thing. you're a peace-loving man. you have always spoken of your love of peace. >> not really but carry on. >> jon: trying to be gentle. what about you with nuclear weapons? when do you have plans to have a nuclear weapon? what is the testing situation like in your country right now? >> listen. jon, jon, jon. >> jon: jon. >> jon it's jon. >> jon: yes, without an h. >> listen. i don't have a nuclear weapon. wink, wink. i'm winking because i am lying. the one you should be careful of is north korea. they are years away developing a boat capable of reaching japan. obviously it will depend on the winds and the tides.
they have run out of toilet paper though. it is terrible. you stand downwind from kim jung on. it's unbearable. i am buying 300,000 rolls. >> jon: to bring back to him as a beautiful gift. that is very nice. do you ever shave your beard or is that just... is that in your country that is custom? >> this is my... i don't shave this beard, no. >> jon: you just leave it. >> do you ever shave your beard? >> jon: no. >> your beard there. >> jon: my penis has no beard. >> show me. show me. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: no beard. >> no beard. >> jon: those are what we call mutton chops.
>> not so much. >> jon: your excellencey, is that even the way to say it? mr. mayor. supreme leader. the dictator, i know it's a wonderful film. you are wonderful in it. you're a great actor. >> thank you very much. >> jon: it is in the theaters on wednesday may 16. >> yes, correct. >> jon: thank you. admiral general, thank you so much for being with us. admiral general aladeen, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) [ parnell ] if you've ever used a smartphone you were a beta tester.
like this guy. when i take out my smartphone and it's exactly the same as everyone else's, i'm expressing myself as an individual. i have that phone. ah! oh, excuse me. what a coincidence. you showed us there's no reason all smartphones need to look alike. so we made the beautifully different nokia lumia 900 look like this. the smartphone beta test is over.
khrapbt i love it! i love it. welcome to the "report," good to have you with us one and all nation thank you for that burst of energy. (laughter) frankly, i need it. the 2012 election just does not have t same vazz that we had in 2008. (laughter) even "rolling stone" is asking "is the this the most boring election ever?" (laughter) the answer, no. as always in "rolling stone", the top spot on any list must go to bob dylan's "highway 61 revisited." classic album. but, folks, this lack of passion has got me furious. this is america goddamn it! we invented elections! we should have the most exciting ones! but right now we're having our coulo handed to us by mexico! (applause) they have got their presidential election coming up on july 1. or, as they call it, cinco de mayo.