Skip to main content

tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  July 2, 2013 1:00am-1:31am PDT

1:00 am
no-- you know, no, i haven't. what's up with mary? what do you think? great woman. she risked her marriage, you know, to have christ, 'cause joseph was kind of suspect. wouldn't you be? yeah, yeah. she's like, "i swear." he's like, "really, mary?" he had faith, right? yeah, yeah. it's like the saying, "i guess it would be nice if i could touch your body." that song is about faith. ♪ dance party with uncle ronnie-- randy, ronnie, randy. what's my name? ( grunting ) uhh, here's your change. i'm so lonely. do you want to stare into this crystal ball? we were gonna have sweet tea and hamantaschen! (bleep) anything, just yell it out and i'll-- just yell (bleep) at me and i'll do it. so easy.
1:01 am
mmm, magic! ( man ) cut! >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> john: welcome to the "daily show." welcome to the "daily show." i'm john oliver. jon stewart is off for the summer performing a david blaine-like stunt where he spends 90 straight days not hosting a talk show. my guest tonight is fareed zakaria. this is-- ( cheers and applause ) yes. this is actually his 17th time on the show, so he literally has more experience with interview segments on this show than i do. ( laughter ) but first, it seems like a supreme court decision on gay
1:02 am
marriage will come down some time in the next two weeks. there have already been some seismic changes recently in our nation's sole landscape. >> after months of consideration about initiatives as divided its ranks, during a passionate debate, tonight the boy scouts of america has voted to allow openly gay members. >> john: yes! ( cheers and applause ) yes! yes! yes! now, that is wonderful news for gay boy scouts, but-- ( laughter ) a tragic end for the merit badge for closet staining. easy to earn that badge. difficult to keep. but this progress is actually not quite what it seems. >> this means the long-standing policy will be lifte lifted thad banned gay scouts, but it remains in effect for banning gay scout leaders. >> john: oh, so, they're happy to welcome anyone with homosexual thoughts, up until the age when they're old enough to act on them.
1:03 am
( laughter ) that must create an awkward situation at boy scout graduations. ( laughter ) congratulations, scout. gay scouts like you make us all proud. oh, i'm happy to hear that. i'd like to come back as a leader one day. you burn in hell, pervert! you burn in hell! ( cheers and applause ) i guess this is progress of a sort however fractional or long overdue. and yet it's still enough to upset some people. >> to rip apart an organization that has done so much good for young people, the boy scouts, to see that torn up in order to accommodate a few kids that, you know, want to do sex with each other. ( laughter ) >> john: wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. do sex? that phrase is just the latest reason they feel incredibly
1:04 am
sorry for mrs. pat robertson. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) would you like to do sex tonight, darling? well, no, sweetheart, but it would be nice if you would tear off my ears and fintertips. so we have clearly still got a ways to go at home. what about overseas? where people are famously more enlightened about these issues. let's check in with tonight's installment of "gaywatch: international edition." ( laughter ) brought to you by international male. international male, sell mesh underpants for pretend pirates since 1974. our first stop, our first stop on this trip, france, which recently legalize gay marriage, a move that i can only assume was met with the traditional nationwide tballic shrug. >> violence erupted across paris
1:05 am
as demonstrators swarmed to the street over france's law allowing gay marriage. there were 150,000 demonstrators. >> john: really. >> boooo! >> john: i did not expect that. i guess they just feel very strongly about preserving traditional marriage in france, which sof course, one man, one woman, and her sister, and their maid, and the college-age daughter friend who stayed with them during the summer-- you know, traditional french marriage, like god intended. actually, can we see some of the that protest footage again? quick question-- ( laughter ) how is it that france's antigay protests look so much gayer than our pro-gay protests? that doesn't make any sense? ( cheers and applause )
1:06 am
you can't be a gay-- what-- and that wasn't even france's gayest antigay protest. >> fireworks at the french open this weekend. had nothing to do, though, with tennis. a masked, bare chested protester leaped on to the court and lit a flare over france's decision to legalize gay marriage. >> john: listen, i don't want to be in the position of giving tips to bigoted antigay forces, but just in terms of pure message discipline you might want to go with something that doesn't so much scream audition piece for cirque du soleil. ( cheers and applause ). now, like, people can protest all they want, but with votes happening across europe, marriage equality seems to be taking root. what national government would today have the balls to say that gays are not equal citizens with equal rights? >> the lower house of parliament in russia voted overwhelmingly today for a bill that targets gays. >> john: okay, russia, yeah,
1:07 am
russia. ( laughter ) actually quite a few, but russia would definitely be among them. so specifically, what's in this bill? the russian parliament has voted almost unanimously to pass a law to punish the promotion of homosexuality with fines and jail terms glain that is tug actually smart because nothing reduces incidentses of homosexuality like a lengthy jail term. ( laughter ) that's some visionary thinking. so far, this bill was actually only passed by the lower house of parliament, so what happens now? >> the bill now goes to the senate before being signed into law by president putin. that's considered to be a formality. >> john: i wouldn't actually be so sure about that. remember, this is the man that we're talking about. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause )
1:08 am
seriously, at this point, i firmly believe that vladimir putin is three months shy of having his own calendar. come on, come on. we can come up with a better title than that. better. yes. there it is. ( cheers and applause ) that is the perfect one. so gays are coming under attack in both france and russia, but there is one place where, apparently, they have found a home. >> a stunning revelation coming from the head of the catholic church. pope francis says there is a gay lobby at the vatican. >> john: i don't know if i call a vatican gay lobby a stunning revelation, really. the whole building is basically a liberace fever dream, unless you don't mean an architectual lobby. >> "gay lobby" i think is kind of a confusing term. we use lobby to mean somebody
1:09 am
putting forth a certain agenda. >> i'm sorry, i wasn't listening to a word that man was saying because i was lost in his eyes. look at them, so piercing blue. it's as if anderson cooper and a siberian husky made love and had a baby. i want one of those. i want one of those. i'm sorry. i'm sorry, father mcdreamy, you were saying that lobby is not a good word for it. >> probably a better word would be "gay cabal," "gay clique." >> john: right and other nouns include a gay brunch air, man pile. a cabin crew. and oscar party or a palm springs traffic jam. ( laughter ) if there is a gay lobby, what is it that they want? how much damage could they do? >> so there have been long rumor here's that the gay lobby drove
1:10 am
pope benedict from the church. >> john: that is just ridiculous. a gay lobby did not drive pope benedict from the church because if they had, it would have looked like this. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> john: you've got to admit, that would have been one hell of an exit. the bottom line to all of this is no matter what country you live in, what religion you belong to, it seems crazy that in this day and age, anyone has a problem with which gender you want to, uhm-- what's the phrase? >> what to do sex with each ( che.
1:11 am
1:12 am
1:13 am
( cheers and applause ). >> john: welcome back to the show. earlier this week, one of america's most prominent politicians had some big news. >> she is the most traveled secretary of state in u.s. history, but there was one place hillary clinton had yet to go until now. >> john: that's right, we're shooting her into orbit. ( laughter ) this summer, hillary clinton is secretary of space. ( laughter ) unless, unless it's something even more un-newsworthy. >> hillary clinton has arrived, on twitter. >> clinton is taking twitter by storm. the forper secretary of state, senator, and first lady also described herself as wife, mom, lawyer, and-- get this-- hair
1:14 am
icon and pantsuit aficionado. most telling of all in clinton's twitter bio, t.b.d. >> john: oh! t.b.d. you big tease. what could you possibly be referring to? is it president or is it-- there is literally nothing else. for more we're joined by senior social media correspondent jessica williams. jessica. ( cheers and applause ). can you put the phone down, please? >> oh, no, no. i can do both. >> john: seriously, put it down. >> jon stewart lets me text and do chats. >> john: if hillary is running in 2016, how can twitter help her? >> well, john, twit ser a microblogging internet service. things called mobile devices by young people like myself-- >> john: jess, jess, jess. you don't have to do that whole
1:15 am
old man with me. i'm only in my 30s. >> ew! there's a 30s. twitter left politics and built a brand with their constituents. hillary has to follow these five basic rules. rule number one, don't tweet your junk. >> john: okay, okay-- okay-- i don't think that ril hillry would do that. >> it's still worth saying. nobody thought a congressman who was already a walking dick joke would be tweetingaise picture of his junk. >> john: no tweeting junk. that's good advice. what's next? >> rule number two. don't be boring. have you seen newt gingrich's twitter feet. >> uh, no. >> check it out and believe me, these are all real tweets. he spends his time tweeting about well-behaved dogs or riding the zoo's hairy armadillo
1:16 am
are very active today. ( laughter ) >> john: who goes to rome and visit the zoo? >> who goes to rome! >> john: give me another one. >> rule number 3-- seriously, though, don't squeeze the junk. >> john: you already said that one. >> trust me, it's worth repeating. rule number four. don't be weird, and i'm look at you senator grassley. he's tweet confessing to killing bambi saying, "fred and i hit deer on highway. assume beer dead." -- i-- really hope that bear's family didn't have to fiend out about his death that way. >> yeel never know.
1:17 am
rule number 5-- highlight your super powers but make sure to set limits. look at cory booker. like when they're in the snowstorm everybody complained about being snowed inspect. you know what cory booker did? he showed up with his snow shovel. >> john: that's pretty good political optics for him. >> exactly, but remember part two of the rule, set limits. this guy actually tweeted to major booker: >> john: wow! twitter is rough. >> oh, no, definitely. and you know what, let me put it in terms hillary clinton would understand. hillary, girl, with being on twitter is like having 100
1:18 am
benghazi hearings every
1:19 am
1:20 am
1:21 am
( cheers and applause ) >> john: welcome back. my guest tonight is editor at large for "time" magazine. he's also the host on cnn,
1:22 am
please welcome back to the show fareed zakaria! ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much. for being here. i understand there were other options open to you and other hosts, perhaps preferable hosts for you to be with, but i appreciate you being here. >> you know i study international politicaise lot. are you staging a brilliant, slow-motion coup. he's out there filming in some moroccan desert, and meanwhile you are slowing taking over the empire sphwhrawn no, no, no. >> it's breathtaking. >> john: i serve at the pleasure of the supreme leader.
1:23 am
when we were planning the show for monday, we were thinking this will be easy, huge summit between china and the u.s. that is what we'll do the show about. boom, that's gone with the n.s.a., and you don't see the story anywhere and yet that was a pretty big deal, the china-u.s. summit. >> in some sense it's the biggest story-- when historians look back they're going to ask was the united states able to live peacefully with the fastest growing, most powsm, new entrant into the world, china. if you look back in history, germany's rise didn't work out so well for europe. two world wars. japan's rise, a bunch of problems there. how china arrives and how the super bowls are able to deal with it will in some way be the story in the 21st century. we built a more cooperative
1:24 am
relationship with china. this is the first time the new leadership got a chance to sit down with the american president. they tried to do it dinly. it's mostly good news, which is why you didn't hear about it. >> i guess that's it. but it seemed like they were focusing on building a functioning relationship. if that involves making things under casual, noitize just-- i believe they changed the format of the actual discussions that were having. is that not true? >> right. so normally what happens is two heads of state get together, they each have what are called talking point. here are the things you're doing that really bug me. and each side recites them. the whole atmosphere is here are the problems, i don't like what you're doing, how are you going to fix it? the other side gets defensive and they scrapped all that and talk about opportunity. what can we do to create win-win scenario. the chiles brought out this
1:25 am
chinese liquor, called motai. >> john: they brought out motai's. >> it's really revolting chinese liquor if you've ever had it. >> john: they're one of our biggest sponsors you can't say that. >> actually, what i meant was delicious. and reviving. one of the great switches in china is they have been moving away from that to good red line. they can keep the rest of the traditional china. if they keep that switch i will be happy. >> reporter: something was released with a 1942 summit between hutchil and starlet, unless there was this late nice drinking session into 1:00 in the morning. the daily telegraph had an exclusive and they both got completely drunk. and by the end of it, they had come to an agreement. >> john: that seems like a great way to just break the ice
1:26 am
everywhere. i loved-- the image in my mind of church, and-- ( cheers and applause ) we're going to get the naughties, definitely. and then we're going to go snorkeling together. ( laughter ). >> the inner history of our diplomacy does involve a lot of alcohol. i don't know what would be the equivalent here. >> john: i guess the problem is it's not going to help u.s. diplomacy with the muslim world. ( laughter ) you don't have alcohol availablans iced breaker there. >> you think if we were to get together with the king of saudi arabia and said, "how about some cristal." >> every time someone used the word "obstruction" you had to take a word. how did we get from the china
1:27 am
summit to this? >> john: i don't know but i have to say it was a lovely jirn. that shows what a great conservationallist are you. >> and what's really in that mug. ( cheers and applause ) >> john: i bloody love you. can you stick around? there's so much to talk about. >> i'd be delighted. fareed zakaria, sundays on cnn at 10 a.m. and 1:00 p.m. fareed zakaria, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ).
1:28 am
1:29 am
1:30 am
( cheers and applause ). >> john: that's our show! join us next week at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> female senators got a small victory on capitol hill yesterday. they now make up one-fifth of the senate but the ladies' room off the senate floor has