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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  July 25, 2013 7:30pm-8:01pm PDT

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photo... deal with it. you just saw that. you cannot unsee what you just saw. now, america is collectively experiencing deja-ewwwwww. although this time there are some awesome developments. and here is the most incredible one. >> new allegations that he kept on sext-ing under the alias carlos danger. (laughing). >> john: yes. you heard right. he calls himself carlos danger. anthony weiner alter ego is a bolivian action hero slash porn star. danger is my user name. ♪ danger, danger >> john: you might think that anyone caught in a situation this mortifying would have no
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choice but to just withdraw from the mayoral race immediately, but you don't know carlos. >> former congressman anthony weiner says a new scandal will not stop his campaign to become new york city mayor. he will be out on the campaign trail later today. >> john: wow. that man has got balls. and a penis. that he clearly can't control. by the way, a fun fact there. as the campaign trail is what anthony weiner calls that line of hair from his belly button to his... (laughing). [ cheers and applause ] he brought all of this on you. if there was any doubt of the degree to which he has learned nothing from his previous scandal, he's managing to handle this one with even less class. at least in 2011 he expressed shame and regret. at yesterday's press conference, there was a different tone. >> are you ready to go?
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good afternoon. my name is is anthony weiner democratic candidate for mayor of the city of new york. i have said that other texts and photos were likely to come out. today they have. >> john: hold on. let me get this straight. you're spinning this by saying, see, i was right all along. i made a promise that there was more sleaze out there and i'm man of my word. weiner, 2013. by the way just a quick shoutout to the guy behind the cubicle for giving the wholly vent the gravitas of a game of... there are two men in that photo who had their heads pop out at inappropriate moments. i can do this all night. and i'm going to. look, this is old. this is all a lot of fun. the problem is, new yorkers have
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to vote for a mayor in 48 days. so we need to know how long ago candidate weiner fell off the dick wagon and whether we can trust him at all to get back on it. >> some have asked the question, where does this fit in, a time line of the continuum of the resignation. some of these things happened before my resignation. some of them happened after the resignation. the resignation was not a point in time that was nearly as important to my wife and me as the challenges in our marriage. >> john: it's a time line issue. it's a time line issue. if you hadn't chosen -- chosen -- to run for mayor, it would only be between you and your wife. but for the rest of us, the time line means everything. so let's review. in june of 2011, after we were all introduced to your penis --
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we didn't want to be. we didn't want to be introduced. yes, technically it was still in its wrapper, but nonetheless we met him. finally, after a bunch of nonsense about your twitter account being hacked, you admitted that it was you and then you tell us this. >> the first thing i need to do is make sure that obviously this never ever happens again. >> john: right. and that is where you drew the penis in the sand. never ever happen again. after that, you resigned. your time moves on. your bulging junk thankfully slipping into everyone's past. and then in july 2012, you and your family emerge in people magazine where you claim to be a changed man. time moves on to this past april. >> back in april when weiner announced candidacy for new york mayor he said more allegations could emerge. >> if rotters want to go try to find more, i can't say that they're not going to be able to
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find another picture. >> john: and that's okay. as long as any pictures that emerge date from before his pledge to stop sext-ing. in june, 2011b.c. which means before confession or before [bleep], whichever you prefer, whichever you prefer. so when yesterday this emerged... (laughing)... it was a problem. because look. look at the date. look at when he sends these photos. >> weiner said he continued sending inappropriate messages to young women long after resigning in the scandal two years ago. >> according to the website the relationship started just one week before this people magazine profile of him and his family ran with the headline, "i feel like a different person." >> john: and that is why you have a problem here.
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[ cheers and applause ] unless, unless, unless in his defense, unless what you said "i feel like a different person" you meant from my wife. i feel like having a different person from the one you see forcing a smile next to me in this photograph. so the disgusting details of this story are a problem for weiner, but they're also a problem for the newsies trying to cover them. >> most of the exchange is too graphic for network television. >> john: you're right. but here's the thing. we're not on network television. [ cheers and applause ] this is basic cable, my friends. and sure we may be bleepd but we will not be embarrassed or silenced. what i'm actually allowed to read these exchanges i'm not physically able to do it. they're just too revolting which is why we have a special computer text-to-voice machine.
quote quote
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the pervert-tron5000. read the first upsetting text message. >> i start to [bleep] so hard. your [bleep] almost hit you in the face. >> john: how is is that even sexy? that's a fundamental lack of understanding of what breasts can do. then i'm going to take one of your boobs and spank you with it, yeah. then we go to sleep so i lay one of your boobs on the window sill to keep out the cold air. sexy. and by the way, the mainstream news can say... they can actually say the words that weiner texted. they've already said all of them just not in the right horrible order. >> are you. put on. some shoes. i wouldn't spread your. ass. so my.
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[bleep]. bleep. john: you did it. you reported the news. you say the words more than you ever know. what is clear at this point is this is beyond just a series of jokes. no, it is is definitely also that. but this is something more serious. >> he needs to be in continual treatment. >> some sort of compulsive behavior. >> there is something that is addictive about his personality. >> john: i think they're right. anthony weiner does suffer from a debilitating addiction but it's not the one they're thinking of. he's addicted to running for office. and if he could just give that up, he could live a full, productive life as an internet sex freak. we'll be right
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>> welcome back. in the wake of the george zimmerman verdict, there have been a lot of reactions. last week one of them gained more traction than the others. >> trayvon martin could have been me. 35 years ago. you know, there has been talk about should we convene a conversation on race? i haven't seen that be particularly productive. when politicians try to organize conversations. on the other hand, families and churches and workplaces, there's the possibility that people are a little bit more honest. >> john: there's also the possibility that britain will sink, everyone will die and i will be the next boy-king. but, okay, if it's a conversation about race you want, it's a conversation about race you'll have. we have senior black correspondent larry wilmore with it. larry. [ cheers and applause ] >> let's do it. let's do it. let's have a conversation about
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race. >> [bleep] you, oliver. john: larry, whoa. i'm sorry. i thought you invited me to have a conversation about race. >> john: that's how you have a conversation about race, is it? >> that's how everyone has a conversation about race. haven't you been listening since the president's speech? >> america's first black president coming out this public and basically calling america racist. >> you know how you felt on 9/11, that's how we feel when it comes to race. >> so-called black leaders are running under a cloak of victimhood. >> these folks will be angry about one thug getting killed. >> president obama is a global george zimmerman. >> white people don't force black people to have babies out of wedlock. >> john: true. ust like no one is forcing bill o'reilly to be such as [bleep]. [ cheers and applause ] >> john: that's technically true. >> my point, john, we can have a conversation when we're not even on the same page. or even in the same book.
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>> john: true or even in the same library. >> you're not in the library. maybe that's how they do it in the white library. >> john: really, larry, you think the white libraries will be noisier than the black libraries? >> you're right, john. i stand corrected. you're right. we talk a lot, yeah. look, the point is, white and black people view the racial problem in totally different ways. so let's have the conversation but start with looking at some numbers. >> john: that's a good idea. because words are dangerous whereas numbers, of course, aren't racist. >> well, poll numbers might not be racist. fractions are. >> john: what do you mean? what do you mean? ( applause ) >> three-fifths, john. john: that is a pretty [bleep] racist fraction right there. >> according to an nbc wall street journal poll, a majority of whites see america as color blind whereas the majority of
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blacks see white people as crazy. >> john: how can that discrepancy be there? >> because white people tend to look at race relations through rose-colored glasses and black people resent the use of the word "colored" in that last sentence >> john: no wonder we see the zimmerman verdict differently. >> again it comes back to number. white people see this as one trial. black people see it as yet another one. >> john: right. and that's why half the country thinks this verdict was about race and half thinks it nothing to do with it. >> i don't think it's about race. >> john: wait. hold on. which half are you in. >> the third half. john, the real outrage of the trayvon martin case is that an adult shot and killed a child and there were no consequences. look we don't know for sure what made george zimmerman shoot an unarmed teenager, maybe it was the laws in his state or the racism in his head but it was definitely the gun in his hand >> john: we should be having a
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conversation about guns then. >> [bleep] you, oliver. sorry. that's generally how these conversations start >> john: thank you, larry. larry wilmore, every every 
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[ cheers and applause ] >> john: welcome back. my guest tonight an actress who starred in the upcoming film divergence. her new movie is called the spectacular now.
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>> doesn't your boyfriend piss you off? >> i don't have an ex-boyfriend. you don't have a single... you're 17 years old and don't have an ex-boyfriend. >> no. guys don't look at me like that. >> i just saw two guys look at you like that. eric wolf and cody, 100% hitting on you. >> they were not hitting on me. no, no, there's no way. >> why don't you think they were hitting on you? >> because they weren't. amy, you're slitly beautiful. oh, mid god, no. reporter: please welcome the wonderful shailene woodley. >> are we standing? what's happening? >> john: shealy. ... you don't know how good i was with girls as a teenager.
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this is a coming of age story about teenagers coming of age. yet there were no vampires, wizards or sex. what happens in this movie. >> you know, i think it's the most authentic take on a coming of age film that i've seen in 20 years but i haven't been alive much longer than 20 years. that statement is incorrect >> john: it is accurate in that coming of age is awful. >> well, on television it is awful. there are no accurate portrayals of what it's like to be an adolescent. this one i think we hopefully did justice >> john: as a british person watching american tv programs. .. >> talking about this john: ... coming of age seems like a very trendy form of fascism. american high schools seem just awful. >> yes. you know, i went to an american high school, a public american high school. and i think it could have been awful if i didn't have my little choir buddies. i got very lucky. there were some cool choir
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buddies >> john: you sing your way through it. >> i sang my way through life john: glee is accurate. that's what you're telling me? >> i think glee is a slightly exaggerated version of something that could maybe exist in an artist's mind >> john: you just got back from as well. which star wars character gave you the creepiest hug? >> i got gypped. first off, i am a star wars fanatic. as a kindergartener i thought i was princess leia straight up. when r2d2 came out of the elevator i got ridiculously soaked. r2d2 is in that elevator. i was like where? where? it was r2d2 just chilling >> john: that's kind of r2d2's thing. >> he just sort of chills john: he just rolls around night and chilled. >> smooth john: and so enthusiastic. yet it blurs the line between
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enthusiasm and intimidation. >> oh, yeah. i mean, i think was definitely intimidated. it was slightly intimidating. i was only there for a day so i thought a lot of interior hotel rooms doing interviews and such. from where we were we could see a river of humans. it was domestics at its greatest >> john: that is a perfect noun. a rolling river of domestication. eccentric enthusiastic humanity that you want not get too wet in. >> exactly. maybe like dip your toes in it. slightly wet. >> john: very weird point of your life. you're about to do this movie divergence. >> we just finished this movie john: that's rumored to be the next hunger games. >> that's what they say john: which is going to put you in an odd position. >> why? john: you're a comfortable level of being in movies now. and hunger games level seem like you then have to process how do
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i not go mad or become an [bleep]? >> yeah, lucky for me i have enough friends who would make me black and blue before i became an [bleep] >> john: that is key. you need friends. >> you need bad-ass friends. john: who have that trigger in them. you are a [bleep] and we are taking you down. >> and they have full permission to. anyone has full permission to. if i become an [bleep], they can >> john: that's a great thing for you to say on tape. like anthony weiner, you will be held to it saying you have full permission, if shailene woodley becomes an [bleep]. >> i totally agree john: the movie is great. it's not what it seems. coming of age. it's dark. it's fun eve. it's complicated. it's weird. it's everything about being a teenager that i wanted to get out of as quickly as i could when i was there. >> slightly awkward, isn't it?
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john: slightly awkward is putting it mildly. try being british in britain. it's... >> it's different than being an american in america. >> john: it is different by about 3,000 miles. spectacular will open in cities on august 7 and will go nationwide on august 3. the wonderful shailene woodley. [ cheers and applause ] 
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>> john: that's our show.
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join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> andy, this right here is a map of downtown saginaw. this is happening at north michigan and going all the way to safe avenue. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ chappelle's show, chappelle's show ♪ ♪ chappelle's show ♪ chappelle's show ♪ chappelle's show ♪ ow! ♪ whoo-hoo-hoo! ♪ whoo-hoo! ♪ yeah, yeah. [♪...] let's start the show. [♪...] man: dave chappelle...!
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[cheering and applause...] [laughter] hey, man. welcome, everybody. welcome back to chappelle's show. i can't believe i'm still on the air-- this is incredible. but i've been having fun since the show came out, man. i've been going out to, like, parties and stuff. feeling like a big shot. and i was out at a club... i don't know if y'all knew this. did y'all know that jay-z has a vodka out now? audience members: armadale. he... yeah, what's it called? audience members: armadale! armadale, for shizzle. anyway... [laughter] yes, i didn't know that, man. these rappers is getting off the hook with it. these guys are really the new entrepreneurs, man. they got clothes, they got vodkas. and then i stayed home the other day. and you know, when you at home, you see commercials you don't see... in the daytime that you might see in the nighttime? you're not going to believe some of the commercials these guys got. i got 'em, i tape 'em. here goes one right here.
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