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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  February 12, 2014 9:00am-9:31am PST

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>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. oh, we have a fine program tonight. my guest elizabeth kolbert author of sixth extinction about how we as a species doomed ourselves. it's a beach read really. [laughter] wanted to wish good health to young bob costas.
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he dropped out of tonight's coverage due to a nasty eye infection. i told him, bob, do not wash your face with the water. [ laughter ] but bob is all, i'm eight-time sportscaster of the year bob costas surely my eyes eyes are impervious to russian toxins. look at the poor eye. [ laughter ] he's a good man we're going to help him out. to lift some of the burden from bob's pink, goopy shoulders, here is tonight's "the daily show" olympics moment. ♪ that doesn't seem very sensitive. here we go. can i do this. yesterday -- i can do. this yesterday saw canadian skier alex bilodeau.
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here is alex in the lead he's catching up so he shot him right there the other guy died and he fell off a cliff. [ laughter ] so ultimately a big victory for the guy who shot the other guy. [laughter] bob, stay and rest those peepers we've got these games covered for you. no problem. [ laughter ] moving on at last month's state of the union president obama made one thing clear. >> let's get immigration reform done this year. let's get it done. it's time. >> jon: oh, it's time, baby. [laughter] america's biological clock is ticking, baby. it's time to have an anchor baby, baby. but of course there was one major problem, um, republicans. mainly in the house of representatives. you know this will thing will be doa with house republicans around. >> this problem has been around for at least the last 15 years.
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so i think it's time to deal with it. [ laughter ] >> jon: just got a butt tickle. ladies and gentlemen, pass the nachos, i think this is going to happen. this is amazing after decades of trying to reform what everyone acknowledges is a broken immigration system, the leaders of both parties agree that now is the right time. >> all the pundits are saying this is not the right time. >> expensive immigration reform should happen just not right now. >> jon: what are you talking about bully. for god sakes why not? >> the president and democratic party will get credit and further bolster their hispanic vote. >> jon: who cares who gets credit -- fine how we call the bill the republican party presents the only we love hispanics at ano 2014.
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does that do it. >> the last thing the republicans want is to open up the immigration can of worms. this is something that would obviously alienate their base. >> i think it's the one thing that could republicans the senate. >> jon: yes, immigration reform might alienate some of your base but might embasen some of the aliens. republicans could win some hispanic support but would you rather cater to the voters who will be dead before you can say the word chipotle. damn your sin tism pundits this isn't about politics. marco rubio. >> we're dealing with this issue because this is who we are. we are the most compassionate nation on earth. we are the people that welcomed frem aler on the world for over 200 years, each of us the direct
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descendants of immigrants have created the single greatest society man has ever known. >> jon:. ♪ united we stand, divide we fall. just the eastern europeans. now just the political asylum seekers. in your face, doubters. rubio laid out -- [laughter] rubio laid out why we're doing this. and guess what? old majority house leader johnny boehner sees your political calculation and scoffs. >> republicans will not try to pass immigration reform this year. [laughter] >> jon: but he said it was time. the greatest nation 200 years -- just the eastern europeans. [ laughter ] what happened? >> there's widespread doubt about whether this administration can be trusted to
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enforce our laws. and it's going to be difficult to move any immigration legislation until that changes. >> jon: how did we go from this is the time to deal with this in two weeks the president doesn't enforce the laws of america. what you are saying the president can't be trusted to enforce the laws of the land because that's his whole job. out of all the constitutional articles that's like the second one. that's right, i have a constitution -- i just read it for the articles. [ laughter ] for the republican caucus -- for the republican caucus to suggest that they will not entertain immigration reform because they don't trust this president to enforce the laws of the land is perhaps the greatest projection in the history of psychology. i give you this republican congress's record of enforcing enacted law. >> republicans have voted 48
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times to repeal obamacare. >> they are moving to make the implementation of it hard thench vote to cut dodd frank. >> the republicans have pushed a record number of filibusters therchl blocked president obama's executive and judicial nominations. >> republicans blocked appointments as matters of general principal. >> jon: the g.o.p. saying they don't trust the the president's ability to enforce the law is like bob costas saying i don't want to borrow your glasses. i don't know where they've been. [ laughter ] instead of having a real conversation we have to have a disinagainous-off. >> they want immigration reform but they don't trust the president to enforce the law, particular it will enforcement
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part. let's enact the law this year but simply not let it start until 2017 after president obama's term is over. >> jon: now this is the kind of passive aggressive democracy our founders intended. well, you know, if you don't -- [laughter] [ applause ] -- you know, we get together in order to form a more perfect union but if you don't think this union is perfect,ehh, you like to form your own union? [laughter] what say you, now, john boehner? >> speaker boehner's office rejected the idea. boehner spokesman michael steele said it was entirely impractical and eliminate any incentive for president obama to enforce the laws during the remainder of his second term. [ laughter ] >> jon: that makes no sense. let me see if i have this
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straight. we have an urgent issue, immigration in this country that strikes at the heart of who we are as a people that we must solve but we can't because the only way to keep the president enforcing our current disastrous immigration law is to talk about but not deliver a better one. chris christie 2016. [cheers and applause] now there's a guy who knows how to clog a spokesperson: we decided to settle this. a steel cage death match of midsize sedans. the volkswagen passat against all comers. turbocharged engines against...engines. best in class rear legroom against other-class legroom. but then we realized. consumers already did that. twice. huh. maybe that's why nobody else showed up. how does one get out of a death cage? vo: right now, get 0.9% apr on all passat models plus a total of $1000 in bonuses.
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to the show. have you noticed just a touch more existential ennui in the air this week? no apparently they haven't. [ laughter ] well, there's a reason for that. >> french president francois hollande begins an official visit to the united states on monday, the first by a french president since 1996. >> they hope to talk about strengthening economic ties and working together on climb change. >> jon: sorry i'm going to have to interrupt there. we played a clip from the al jazeera american channel that was threatening to get inappropriately in-depth about foreign policy. obviously al jazeera america is new here and don't know how we do things. let me show you how american america networks do. >> french president francois
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hollande arrives in the u.s. >> he is flying solo. >> he is here alone. >> the french president is coming stag. [ laughter ] >> jon: stag. alone. solo. [laughter] by his lonesome. there you go. that's the news it's 2014 we have a black president but apparently can't handle a foreign dateless one. why isn't he bring the the madam? >> he announce his split from a partner of seven years amid reports he cheated on her with a younger actress is. >> movie actress is julie guillet. she's not coming either. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] >> jon: also not coming hollande's second miss stress a waif-ish cigarette world not as worldly wise as she prevents or his third miss stress, a cat
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with a white stripe on his back. [laughter] a french man has an affair. s the dog bites man of france. why does this change anything? >> the french president's decision to come alone has people talking and white house staffers scrambling. [laughter] >> jon: to date him? >> iconic photo that we see at every state dinner with the two couples will be a little different. >> jon: not that different. i mean he will be wearing pants. >> 300 dinner invitations engraved with the former first lady's name had to be scraipped. >> jon: we can kill people with sky robots from miles away, i think we can shred 300 invitations. i don't mean to trivialize this he had etiquette nightmare. >> how will that affect seat something in. >> seating arrangements are made
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delicate at best. >> these things are not just chance. no, no, no, no, it's specific. >> our president and first laidly would be seated next to the spouse. so that is something that they have toll change. -- they have to change. >> jon: danger, danger. how will they handle the seating? oh, my -- [laughter] hello, yes, emily post, we have a code france. repeat a code france. what is that? really died in 1960? sorry to bother you. [ laughter ] what are we going to do? it's up to me to solve this etiquette emergency. it's so horrible. the president and mrs. obama sitting here and the french president here. then wait a minute, okay, solved. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause]
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fine, what else do you want to tell us about this tawdry soap oprah and how it's -- open opera and how it's thrown a meal into turmoil. >> it's not just about the dinner, of course. france say top al imrie and topics like syria and iran are on the table. >> jon: thank you for getting into actual substance. tell us about syria and iran. >> topics like syria and iran are on the table but at least for now foreign affairs seem overshadowed by affairs of the heart. >> jon: yes. [ laughter ] they do seem overshadowed [ laughter ] theyjolly rancher andowed twizzlers bites are so soft, chewy, and filled with their fruity selves...
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they think this world isn't big enough for the both of them. but we assure you - it is. bites. little greatness.
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it's an invitation to stop and savor the unmistakable taste that reminds us that life is delicious.
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>> welcome back. my guest tonight a staff writer at the new yorker. her new book is called the sixth extinction, an unnatural history. please welcome to the program elizabeth kolbert. [cheers and applause] how are you? >> pretty good, how are you? >> jon: very well, thank you. the book is called "the sixth extinction." there have been five extinction events thus far. >> heretofore, yeah. >> jon: those are what? the fifth and most famous is the extinction that did in the dinosaurs. >> jon: that was an asteroid. >> that was an asteroid. >> jon: and prior to that what
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had extincted the animal? >> a variety of thingsism tinted -- things extincted the animals. the first is 450 million years ago believed to be caused about a sudden cold snap. >> jon: polar vortex if you will. >> major, major polar vortex. >> jon: the sixth extinction is caused by an invasive species that you write about. that would be us. >> exactly. >> jon: your early description of us reminded me of the asian carp. [ laughter ] >> there are similarities. >> jon: we are introduced to an area and we immediately spread out and make it out our own. >> yeah, we're the world's most successful invasive species. we've gone to every continent. started now the one continent and now occupy every climate and
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habitat that you can imagine. we're there. >> jon: and we are, in doing so, killing a lot of things. [ laughter ] >> that seems to be an unfortunate side effect. >> jon: now you have -- this book is not musings on this. there's scientific evidence, if you are to believe science. [ laughter ] >> yes, i chose to go with the scientific evidence. [ laughter ] >> jon: i understand. i prefer to teach the controversy but okay. >> and i was really fortunate enough to go out with a lot of really wonderful scientists, talented scientists incredibly dedicated scientists. so we went to the great barrier reeve. i went -- reef. i went to the amazon rainforest and the top of andes with great folks. >> jon: in some respects it
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took a giant astroid to cause an extinction and we're doing it our slz. it's impressive if you think about it. >> we're doing it without even trying. weapon haven't even really put our minds to it. >> jon: just think if we got together and thought you know what? let's only make those plastic canned things that trap dolphins. let's only make that, really fill up the ocean with them. >> exactly think what we could do. >> jon: it's interesting that biodiversity as you get towards eat kuwaitor you write a lot about -- in canada there's a tremendous land mass only 20 species of tree but belize has over -- what is it -- 200? >> yeah, like 700. there's an interesting phenomenon which you viscerally sort of see in the tropics where they are way more diverse. one of the things we talk about in the book is we associate
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climate change is a problem that is effecting the polar bears. we always see pictures of them. i don't want to minimize the problems of polar bears. >> jon: and also sensitive they get depressed. >> they do. they are great beasts. >> jon: you give them a coke they are fine. [ laughter ] >> exactly. but, you know, climate change is really a problem of -- a more massive problem actually where cree tiewrs to actually live which is in the tropic and they tend to live in the narrow rain. when we were in the andes we were walking along and one of them said to me pick out a leaf you'll see it for 100ars or so this -- yards or so this shape of leaf that tree has only this range. >> you write there's a migration al algorithm of 30 feet per -- what is the -- >> 30 feet per day. >> jon: to mie migrate.
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>> that you have to be marching to keep up with the climate. the climate is changing so quickly all the species would have to be on the move exactly north. >> jon: it's the opposite of how jews go when they get older. >> exactly. don't good to florida. go to jersey. >> jon: maybe new hampshire is the new florida in some respects. we'll keep an eye on that. >> exactly. [ laughter ] >> jon: the ocean issue is the one where it's really stark, where the reefs are the rain forest of the seat and they are turning into petrified forests. >> yeah, that's kind of a downer. yeah. [ laughter ] reefs turn out to be -- they are built by these tiny little gel lat us in creatures and they have to put on wait to stay even. as we pollute the air we're
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poring acid into the water. >> jon: as -- is there anything about how many antidepressants we're putting make them less anxious to what we're doing to the habitat. >> maybe there's an nsf grant in there for you, i think. >> jon: in some ways the story of this is book is just what serial killers -- [laughter] on a hopeful note. >> yes. >> jon: was there a helpful note? i did not see one. >> i was waiting for what you were going to say. >> jon: i got to the end and i was like my guess is there's an epilogue in there.
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>> there's no subject too grim we can't have a little humor. >> jon: exactly. that hopefully will be the epitath of the planet. on the so tell me about your relationship. well, we're peanut butter and chocolate. we're perfect together. nut but & choco. don't do that. he says when something's good, why change it? exactly. exactly. what if you were to try something different? [ chocolate laughs ] yes, its mr. butterfinger! [ laughter ] i'm sorry. what are we doing here? ooh! [ male announcer ] it's a whole new way to love peanut butter & chocolate. smooth and crunchy butterfinger peanut butter cups. oh man! let's go the other way. um, i'm good. [ male announcer ] nestle. good food. good life. um, i'm good. guy 1: i'm glad i got it while it's still around. with 30 ingredients to choose from, you can't go wrong. guy 2: yeah, i've never had a combo like this. guy 1: like i always say, you've got to try something new. guy 2: try something new? you've had the same haircut since seventh grade.
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japanese zoo as an emergency drill simulates the scenarios where the gorillas escape flg an earth came >> stephen: tonight i company up with the u.s. speed skating team, well, i try to catch up, they're so damn fast. (laughter) then could the nfl haved first openly gay player and if so will rooting against his team be a hate crime? and my guest charlie crist is the former governor of florida. fun fact, someone once tried to govern florida. (laughter) according to the department of ago ago, one in six men eat pizza every day. the other five eat yesterday's pizza. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioning sponsored by


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