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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  June 24, 2014 11:00pm-11:32pm PDT

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that's no different than james franco using instagram to meet hot children. good night, and long live the audience member of the week. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. we have a good show. oh, it's good show. my guest tonight, jennifer esposito. she's an actress, but she's going to talk about her book. she's got celiac disease. it's named after a ballplayer, lucilleback. played for the new york yankees. [laughter] but first, you know, for most of
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its existence, the irs was america's favorite government agency. [laughter] but that all changed after the irs admitted last year to certain "pro-publica" pryities. >> tea party and other conservative groups that rose to power early in the president's first term were unfairly targeted for special scrutiny by the i.r.s. >> >> jon: by the way, whatever you think of the tea party movement. , i think we should agree that the only federal agency singling it out for special scrutiny is the fashion police. pantaloons? come on. the irs also targeted liberal 501c-4s but not with the same level of scrutiny they applied to the conservatives. that's something. i know the right that wants something to be that president obama ordered the irs to target them while he sat in a dark room
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smoking a cigar while an orphan boy stands outside looking through the rain saying why? why, mr. president? why. but as it turns out, there's been no real evidence found that the white house is involved and the cat turned out to be a dog and the orphan has parents and was putting on a british accent. but the point is this. these irs troubles do not appear to be that. but they are something. and the irs is clearly doing their best to continue to give off scandal stink like some kind of scared scandal skunk. [laughter] when we last left the irs, their official, lois lerner, had taken the fifth, rather than testify, so congress asked the irs if they would be so kind as to click the forward button on all of lois lerner's e-mails. what what happened that. >> they say the irs has been promising to get them these e-mails for a year, and now suddenly they say that lois lerner's computer crashed way back in 2011 and that many of
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those e-mails are just gone. >> well, that's irritating. computers do crash. e-mails are lost, but typically finding that out, that information, takes less time than it takes to gestate a manatee. [laughter] a year? come on! well, first congress had to fill out form 1218a sube-z. that's an e-mail requisition form for our records. then we throw that form into a room filled with chimps. then... [laughter] then what we did is we trained the chimps to read. [laughter] so things were looking good. that's when, unfortunately, the chimps unionized. so that was the whole thing. but finally we negotiated a contract. finally we delivered a contract the chimps didn't throw their
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feces at. the point is e-mail representatives are now done through a different form, so if you can reapply, et cetera, et cetera. so it is in this environment that the new irs commissioner... really is? you like that? the new irs commissioner, john koskinen, he comes before congress to testify. i wonder if they're going to be dicks to him. >> please rise to take the oath. raise your right hand. a little higher. [laughter] >> jon: wow. that was easy. now turn around and wiggle. while we all might want to do that to the head of the irs, what does raising your hand higher have to do with telling the truth? uh, i can lie. wait, i can lie.
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hold on. i can lie. i can lie. i can lie. i can no longer lie! for my hand is too close to god. that's him scratching god's beard. hello! all right. enough cathartic public shaming. where are the damn e-mails. -actual hard drive, after it was determined that it was dysfunctional and with experts no e-mails could be retrieved was recycled and destroyed in the normal process. >> so was it physically destroyed? >> that's my understanding. >> so was it melted down, do you know? >> i have no idea what the recycler does with it. >> jon: for all i know lois lerner's hard drive was ground into a fine dust, sprinkled lark parmesan onto a lasagna that was served to those in this very
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chamber. [laughter] so i say to you, congress, if you want to see all of lois lerner's e-mails, you must look inside yourselves. or, or you could... or you could wait. by the way, that is a killer that guy impression. that i will use for the rest of my career. [laughter] so up until now, the whole thing is annoying. but not quite galling. here's where it gets somewhat galling. >> the irs has historically only preserved back-up tapes for six months. >> jon: all right. [laughter] the government agency whose entire business model release on forcing americans to live as borderline hoarders... [laughter] only keeps their [bleeped] for six months?
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no. [cheering and applause] that's unacceptable. you know, you never get a notice from the irs saying please bring your records down to us... if you can find them. it's like if the e.p.a. was dumping its office trash in the national zoo's spotted owl exhibit. [laughter] meaning it would be ironic. but even if the irs deleted the tapes, why can't they just get the e-mails from her inbox. spoiler alert: it's stupid and preventable. each irs employee's e-mail box back then only held 150 megabytes of information. also known as five pictures of your family. or one picture of anthony weiner's [bleeped]. boom! boom! [bleeped]
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[bleeped] yeah. he has a somewhat large penis. 150 megabytes. that's 1% of what gmail offers you for free. and that comes with a google plus account for you to not use. the federal government has built an entire complex in the deserts of utah to store everything americans have ever said to each other. but intergovernment conversations? [laughter] i don't know. buy a [bleeped] thumb drive. if there is a larger scandal here, it's that our government's handling of information across all platforms borders on criminal idiocy. the irs is frying hard drives, the v.a. is drowning in paper. is there any record keeping medium that the government could
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use that could work for them? microfiche? we'll do it. stone tablets? we'll do it. we could take a page out of the ancient greeks. weave all of our important information into an epic poem and pass down from generations over a federal archival oral tradition from bard to apprentice, but you probably lose that page. unless, wait a minute, i know what's going on here. you're tired of governing us, aren't you? and so you're kind of acting like assholes so we break up with you. well, look, i know we're not perfect as constituents and we've been in this relationship for 200 years, probably take you a little bit for granted. we want everything and don't want to pay for anything. [laughter] every yeardown birthday we throw a huge party and pretend it's for you, but it's really just
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chance for us to get [bleeped] up and stare at the sky between 9:00 p.m. and 9:25. look, the point is this, government. no matter what you get right, we're still going to find that one thing you got wrong and sign a petition about it. that doesn't mean we don't need you, baby. i want you to remember this: just because we're totally unreasonable doesn't mean you have to be totally incompetent. we'll be right back. ♪ touch down... every morning... ten times! not just... now and then. once more on the rise... nuts to the flabby guys!
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go, you chicken fat, go away! go, you chicken fat, go! run, two, run (running) (like a tortoise) okay! (too far, and too slow.) now double up, ready! run two three four... (running) run two three four... (like a hare) run two three four... ow you are) run two three four... etting there) n two three four... . o you) are) run two three four... n two three four... (chicken fat,) n twerybody sing!.. . o away!)re) , you chicken fat, go! go! go! go! dismissed!
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when cold refreshment calls. coors light answers. "anybody else" frost brewed coors light. the world's most refreshing beer. >> >> jon: welcome back. do you remember a time when barack obama was just a naive candidate saying working class voters were clinging to their guns and religion. the american people punished him by electing him to two terms as president of the united states. the front-runners for 2016 will not make that mistake. >> i do not believe our great country should be playing minor league ball. we're the force for progress, prosperity and peace. >> she was asked about the book that made her who she is today. her answer was the bible. >> jon: did she just threaten to smite her enemies. hillary's clinging to religion whom will cling to guns. >> if you want to protect yourself, get a double-barrel shotgun. if there is ever a problem, walk
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out on the balcony here, fire two blasts outside the house. buy a shot gun. buy a shotgun. [laughter] >> jon: my favorite part of that is the dude sitting next to him like, [bleeped]. i want you to call shotgun while shotgunning a beer on the way to your shotgun wedding. that's how much i love shotguns. come on down to crazy joey's shotgun emporium. clearly there is only one way to set chl democratic candidate can appeal best to traditional reagan voters. looks like we need ourselves a good old-fashioned poor-off. i reckon it's time find out which of these is just more plain folk. madam secretary... >> we came out of the white house not only dead broke, but in debt. >> i still get emotional just thinking about it.
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[applause] well played, mrs. clinton, but if i know joe biden, you just brought a $100 bill to a loose change fight. >> he's vice president of the united states of america. he makes, notwithstanding, the poorest man in congress. >> jon: he's so poor he can't even afford a first-person pronoun. your move, madam secretary. >> we had no money when we got. there we struggled to, you know, piece together the resources for mortgages for houses. >> jon: when you're appealing to the middle class, you may want to use the singular when referring to the most valuable asset most people will ever come in contact with. biden i see an opening. >> for 36 years i commuted from washington, d.c., to wilmington round trip every day. don't hold it against me that i don't own a single stock or bond. don't hold it i have no savings account. >> jon: don't hold it against
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me, but my clothes are made of old curtains. [laughter] don't hold it against me, but i bleep in a bucket outside. [laughter] top, that secretary clinton. stop that. >> the british newspaper the "guardian" asked mrs. clinton if she could be a credible champion for fighting income inequality despite her wealth. mrs. clinton says, "they don't see me as part of the problem because we pay ordinary income tax, unlike a lot of people who are truly well off, not to exantuss." >> jon: i think we know who she's talking about, becky from camp, always cheating at dodgeball. i'm afraid that once again you're simply no match for joe i'm allergic to money biden, although his i don't have any stocks story has a hole. >> biden does have some money in savings and investments. >> his office says the vice
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president was telling the truth because the investments belong to his wife. [laughter] >> jon: hold on. i'm homeless. i happen to stay in mansion belonging to my lovely bride. kind of like the king of england. what's with the poverty tourette's? why do these two think we need a hobo for president. and why do they think we bleefl them. you have both have your faces on book covers, books written by them about them that. usually means you're doing pretty good. >> his memoir "promises to keep," earned less than $201 in royalties last year. >> jon: on second thought, i'm not sure how this guy affords a bucket to [bleeped] in. we'll be right back.
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[cheering and applause] >> jon: welcome back. my gust tonight is an actress. she's written a book about her experience with celiac disease called "jennifer's way." pleas welcome to the program jennifer esposito. hello. how are you? nice to see you. >> so nice to be here. >> jon: nice to have you here. >> hello. hello. >> jon: so thanks for being here. >> thanks for having me. >> jon: the book is called "jennifer's way," by way of revelation, my son has this and has a very bad case of this. >> me too. >> jon: it's very painful, and sometimes you have to convince people that it's a real thing.
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>> i had to convince people for probably 20-something years. >> jon: yes. >> going to doctor after doctor after doctor saying this symptom, that symptom, there's something very wrong, and they're saying, maybe it's this, maybe it's, that here's some prozac. i'm like, it's not in my head. there's something really wrong. it took to the point where for me people don't understand. there's about 300 symptoms with this disease. so for me... >> jon: explain very quickly some celiac disease is quite different from what it's called, like gluten sensitivity, the more faddish of those types of diets. >> it's extremely different and that causes us severe problems. but celiac disease is an ought autoimune disease. we can't have gluten. it destroys the villi in the gut, which takes all the nutrients and the food and gives it to the body. so by the time i was diagnosed, my skin was peeling off. my knees were buckling, my hair was falling out. >> jon: you had actual...
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there were symptoms that were emotional, as well. >> emotional because people don't understand most of the seratonin in the body is in the gut. so all the seratonin is in charge of making you feel good, your mood, your depression, everything. but for me, it attacked my nervous system. so i got... i had panic attacks like you wouldn't believe. >> jon: for the boy, he was having these terrible episodes of vomiting and then he got anemic, and he wandered around... we just thought, we were absolutely devastated and frightened that he was dying. we didn't... we couldn't figure out what was going on. >> and this is what's so frightening when people make fun of this gluten intolerance or gluten eating. oh, we're all on fad or diet. there are people like your son, there are people, i've heard even worse stories and people like myself that are seriously suffering. it's a very different thing. this book seriously, it took me three years to write.
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i wanted to write it exactly for this reason. it's a book for everyone who has ever had to say something's wrong and really be your own health advocate. >> jon: to get diagnosed, it's important, they have do an endoscopy, they do a biopsy of your lower intestine. >> the small intestine. the villi. so basically that have do that. look, there is a blood test, but it's not always accurate. they tested me for years. nothing's wrong with you. >> jon: do you a bakery now called jennifer's way. did you think, it's a bakery, it should be a pun, like gluten for punishment? >> i have to try something like that. honestly, i'm italian, and telling me i couldn't have gluten and dairy and soy, i was like, i'm going to be very angry or i need bake and do something. so i opened this bakery. and it's for all allergens. we just opened a whole facility that we can ship anywhere in the nation. because honestly, celiac or not, i think it's coming to a point
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where food is so messed up that we just want good, clean food. gluten-free north gluten-free. this is clean product without all this. >> i think, though, very nice, you know, the way food is going, i feel like we're growing a certain point where actually everything will be gluten free because there will be no food in it. >> that's it. >> i make bread out of air. >> i'm going to have some plastic os. >> it's getting to that point. >> jon: i don't know where you went, but we feuder found a cenr in new york to be diagnosed, and it was great. they saved the boy's existence. if you can stay away from it, you really do start the heal. there really is a cure for. this >> you absolutely can heal. what i always tell everyone, for me, just taking away gluten wasn't it. and it is an autoimune disease. like with your son, it's every day. it's every day and everything we
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eat, every time you go out the dinner. that's why when you see other people making fun of this, it's really not funny because going out the dinner is not enjoyable anymore for me. >> jon: there's this whole other group that people believe have jumped on it as fad. >> absolutely. >> jon: like you would something... >> when they say the fat-free, but my point is the fat-free wasn't attached to a disease. this is attached to a disease. >> jon: that's right. i'm glad it's helped you so much. and now i don't feel guilty at all for punishing him with wrestling moves. i will take this boy down. so congratulations. you're feeling good. >> i am. i am. >> jon: and the bakery is open for business. >> jennifer's way bakery dot com. yeah. >> jon: i don't know what that means. >> it's basically... if you go there, i will ship you food anywhere. >> jon: really, for no money?
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>> nothing. free of charge. >> jon: jennifer esposito will ship you food. jennifer's book is on the bookshelves now. thank you so much. jennifer esposito. so, your site gave me this "credit report card" thing. can i get my actual credit report... like, the one the bank sees? [ male voice ] sheesh, i feel like i'm being interrogated over here. [ male voice ] she's onto us. dump her. [ pay phone rings ] hello? oh, man. that never gets old.
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water has a persistence. a persistence to cut through mountains. and carve out valleys. it takes the same kind of determination to build your dreams. in 1873, adolph coors came here to build his.
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a dream of brewing a beer with pure rocky mountain water. and to this day, it's made the same way. persistence. it has its benefits. coors. the banquet beer. >> jon: that's our show. here it is, your moment of zen. ♪ ♪ we shall live in peace we shall captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org g sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonight, partisan politicpolitics are tearing this country apart. i blame the democrats. then, new regulations in soc media. you can no longer claim your facebook friends as dependents. and my guest, edie falco, plays a nurse on showtime's "nurse jackie." i will interview her in a backlesbackless robe. a new study