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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  February 18, 2015 11:31pm-12:02am PST

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igabytes of free 4g lte data. only from t-mobile. ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: that's our show. here it is, your moment of zen. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> larry: tonightly. we're getting ready for super bowl sunday. i don't want to take sides here, but it's between the seahawks and the cheaters. ( cheers and applause ) all right. now is tom brady responsible for
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deflate-gate? are you listening? i just called them cheaters. now, me i like my football like i like my nightly show-- wings hot, beer cold and my balls inflated. let's do this! ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers ) >> larry: thank you. thank you very much. appreciate it. i like "larry, larry!" yeah. thank you welcome to "the nightly show." i'm your host larry, larry. okay, now, who's pumped for super bowl sunday? ( cheers and applause ) okay, okay, okay. here you go.
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here's my super bowl prediction. going out on a limb, going out on a limb. here's my prediction eye will be drunk by the coin toss. ( cheers ) just saying. wake me up for katy perry that's all i'm saying. ( laughter ) all right, now this has been a rough year for the nfl with all their off-the-field scandal, so it's got to be a relief for fans out there to finally have the scandal on the field. >> the so-called deflate-gate scandal. >> the nfl is investigating allegations that 11 of the 12 footballs that the patriots used in their a.f.c. championship win over the indianapolis colts were under-inflated. that would be an advantage since under-from thed footballs are easieser to grip and catch. >> larry: okay, all right now i know you guys are expecting me to do a gratuitous ball joke here, and as tempting as it is, you know, frankly, that's all i've been hearing for the past week. i really don't want to traffic in that. so that's why i asked these guys
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to do it. you have 30 on the ball clock. okay, get to it. >> what do tom brady's balls balls and federal reserve have in common. >> they both fear inflation. >> why did tom brady go to the university of michigan? >> judge y? >> he got rejected from ball state. >> eye priest, rabbi, two deflated balls walk into a bar. >> what happened the. >> the priest fondled the deflated balls. >> what's the worst job in sports? >> sucking the air out of tom brady's balls. >> what's the only thing that could come between tom brady's deflated balls and the super bowl championship? >> what's that, the giants, twice. >> hey, ricky my balls are so big. >> how big are they? >> they're just big man. >> larry: okay that's enough, that's enough. great job, guys. give them a nice round of applause. ( cheers ) okay, all right. so how did the man at the center
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of deflate-gate handle this? mr. bundchen? >> i don't know what happened. i mean-- i-- i-- i have no explanation for it. >> larry: i do. you cheated. okay? ( applause ) just like when your team got caught in 2007 illegally spying on other teams. that's not bad, though. i mean, you went seven whole years without a cheating scandal. ( laughter ) for the patriots that's a pretty good run. not bad. but anyhow, back to brady's non-vigorous denial. >> is tom brady a cheater? >> i don't believe so. >> larry: wait. un you're tom brady, right? you know they're asking you that question right? because you said "i don't believe so." as if you've never met yourself. ( laughter ) and you should meet yourself. you have a very hot wife. ( applause )
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now, it sounds to me like he's lying-- wait, wait, wait wait. you know what? play that for me one more time. >> is tom brady a cheater? >> i don't believe so. i mean i feel like i've always played within the rules. >> larry: okay, guys, let, all right, this is not lying, all right. we have something else here. i'm going to have to break this down for you in a whole different way. un this show is all about telling the triewrkt or as we call it, keeping it 100. ( applause ) thank you very much. now, but what's weird about brady is that this doesn't feel like a lie but it definitely doesn't feel like the truth. he's keeping it 70. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now i know this is new, but stay with me. keeping it at 70 is where you mean what you say but you don't say what you mean. okay? right? so when he says, "i don't believe so," he means because i know so. right? ( laughter )
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right? and when he says, "i feel like i've played within the rules," he's leaving out, "that i set for myself." okay? okay. now, to help you better understand keeping it 70, let me show you what an athlete keeping it 100 looks like. >> i'm the best corner in the game. that's the result you're going to get. don't you ever talk about me! >> larry: see, see? that's 100 right? i mean do you know how scared america was for that white woman? oh, my god. whoo! people aren't used to athletes being 100. it is the opposite of making us comfortable. okay? so keeping it 70 is the nfl's gem. take for example the washington redskins, a team with perhaps the most offensive sports nickname since the old 1880s baseball team go home you smelly
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irish quimsticks. go fighting quimsticks. well, redskins team owner dan snyder doesn't want to change his team's super racist name. >> what is a redskins? >> a redskins is a football player. a redskin is our fan. the washington redskins fan base represents honor respects pride, hopefully winning. >> larry: dan, dan, when you keep it 70 like this, this is what happens. ♪ ♪ ♪ happy now, "the nightly show"? happy now, dan snyder? keeping it 70 goes further than the nfl. tiger woods was surprising his skiing lady friend lindsey vonn on the slopes when he apparently had an accident. >> tiger woods talked about the bizarre accident that resulted in him losing a tooth. >> and the dude with one of the video cameras on his shoulder
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kneeling in front of me, stood up turned and caught me square in the mouth. ( laughter ) >> larry: okay, here's the problem, see, tiger keeps it 70 so much even when he might be keeping it 100 i don't know if i can trust him. he's like the by boywho cried 70. and i'm not the only one who feels that way. >> tiger sticking to his story despite the fact race organizers told the press no official reports were filed and "there was no such incident." >> larry: a tooth? do you know how much trust has to be lost for us not to believe you about a tooth? where's the tooth, tiger? tell me what happened to the tooth! okay, look, another one, now let's take lance armstrong. now remember he lied about the whole steroid thing, then he finally got caught right? here's what he said recently. >> it was one of the biggest
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mistakes of my life. i'd probably do it again. >> larry: no, no no, no. lance armstrong kept it zero his whole career, and now he's trying to crank it up to 100? even on steroids, you can't go from 0 to 100 that fast. we're just not going to believe anything you say. ironically, if he had just crewed at 70 the whole time, he'd probably still be racing. but then to be so cavalier saying he'd do it again, that takes a lot of balls. ( applause ) come on. come on, guys! seriously! i had to make one ball joke. oops, did it again! we'll be right back.
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crispy m&m's® are baaaack. what are you doing? you said to tell our fans crispy m&m's® are back. not those fans! did you mean this fan? no. (annoyed grumbles) what about that one? there's a fan in the break room, oh! and in the....(trails off) good, they're back. the real question that needs to be asked is "what is it that we can do that is impactful?" what the cloud enables
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is computing to empower cancer researchers. it used to take two weeks to sequence and analyze a genome; with the microsoft cloud we can analyze 100 per day. whatever i can do to help compute a cure for cancer, that's what i'd like to do.
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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: thanks we're back. we're talking talking about lying in sport. joining us on the panel tonight, from "the lead with jake tapper," jake tapper. >> jake! >> larry: and host of "no filter," katie nolan. cohost of "race wars" podcast, comedian sherrod small. sherrod. and currently on tour with john
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mulaney, comeade an seaton smith. okay katie i arev to start with you. >> i know i know. >> larry: i know you're a big patriots fan. partisan crowd here, partisan crowd. and everybody knows the patriots are cheaters. everybody knows that. by the way, if you don't say they're cheaters, then you get into the lying thing. >> right keeping it 100. >> larry: right. >> got it. >> larry: i already said that brady keeps it 70. are you disappointing that he didn't have the balls to just straight up lie? >> he had the balls. they just got taken into the bathroom and-- i don't -- >> would you rather have him lie than give that kind of half-truth there. >> the answer to the question, larry, is we don't know for sure if he's lying. but if we were to find out that he were lying, i would wish that he would have told the truth. but i-- i don't think -- >> what if he had done it, would you rather him tell the truth or lie? >> tell the truth, obviously. >> larry: and be out of the super bowl? >> you wouldn't be out of the super bowl for deflating a ball.
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i don't think those are the stakes -- >> larry: i don't know. >> just can't go to the super bowl. >> larry: maybe. maybe there was a penalty for it i don't know. >> it would be a little excessive. >> larry: it would have been my penalty. >> i know because you're a seahawks fan. >> larry: do we really not want to hear the truth from athletes? would we rather have them keep it 70? >> absolutely. that's the point. people don't want to know what's going on behind the scenes. you think deflated balls are the worst thing going on. >> larry: no. >> in the nfl? what are they injecting their bodies with? how are they dealing with the pain afterwards? how are their loved ones being treated afterwards? there's a lot of stuff nobody wants to know, and the reason is, it is a multibillion-dollar sport that has never been more popular. >> larry: so you're saying they're being told to keep it 70. >> oh! >> larry: like it's important-- like roger goodell saying ( bleep ) you have to keep it 70. >> i think it's just the same thing that -- >> that's how all the meetings start. okay, ( bleep )--
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>> 70, right? >> 70, 70. >> i think it's just kind of an agreement, the same way that probably-- i don't think tom brady deflated the balls, but i think the apparatus-- hold on, hold on. >> were the balls deflated? maybe. did tom brady do it? >> what did he know and when did he know it? >> larry: troy aikman threw him under the bus. >> he did. >> larry: that's very unusual. do you think we don't-- we're not concerned with heroes exwms g.m.? we just want to know who people are. we're taking down that myth of sports stars as heroes. >> yes. you know what, we want to see things like we see reality shows. we want to see behind the scenes. >> larry: but those are real. well, some of them. >> kim kardashian is smart. >> we want to-- i'd rather them keep it 100 or zero like marr shan lynch and -- >> he's keeping it 100. >> but with the media he gave them nothing. they want a five-minute
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interview, manned dory, and i think he's doing it the best way saying what you want to say-- nothing. >> you think thoog the best way? >> the best way. >> to say absolutely nothing. >> the only reason i'm here on this show tonight is so i don't get fined. >> larry: all right, i have to ask you a question, are you-- are you ever disappointed when-- like, one of your hero athletes, when you find out they lie disd that disappoint you, or do you just not care? >> i don't care. it depends how many wins they have that season, you know what i mean? i mean like -- >> that was kobe's thing. >> he was winning and then he won, and got to be like-- i had to ignore it. but now he sucks now. so now i'm like he needs to talk to the media. you know what i mean? he needs to come up clean. all right. your rings are over. >> larry: it's funny because we talked about sports in this but i think a lot of this started in politics. bill clinton is a master at
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keeping it 70. when he said "it depends what your definition of 'isn't is" he deconstruct aid two-letter word. >> he did it with style. i was like i have to see how he gets out of this. >> larry: jake, who is better at keeping it 70, politicians or athletes? >> but that's all politicians do. >> that is all they do. right. ( applause ). >> larry: let me ask you-- that's got to frustrate you as a reporter. >> it's very, very annoying and we have to go back and disporgt back and forth and you realize the viewers are probably not all that interested and you isv to set a point, you're not telling truth and move on to the next question. >> larry: let's talk about in culture, who keeps it 70 more and who lies more, men or women? >> women, women lie more. >> larry: women lie more? >> especially these women in the audience. women know how to keep them going. >> don't make me be the token?
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>> larry: you speak for women. >> i'll speak for women. >> obviously women lie more than mep. men lie straight up. i'm like i want to lie to this dude right here. women, you lie more complicated. you lie to yourselves -- >> and that's our fault. we're better at it-- you hate us because you ain't us, so i'm the pats fan and the woman, i'm the minority at this table. >> larry: somebody's keeping it 105. ( laughter ) ( applause ) all right, let me ask you this-- is faking an orgasm keeping it 70? >> hello! >> larry: or is it lying? >> well, that-- it's keeping-- first of all, i don't know what you're talking about. ( laughter ) and second of all, i think keeping it 70. it depends though. if you're not enjoying the sex at all, and you're fake tyou're marshawn lynching at that point. >> larry: what about "a" for effort? >> no.
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>> it doesn't go as far as you think it does. >> larry: go ahead. ( applause ). >> beast mode-- >> beast mode. oh very good. >> larry: we'll be right back. i've been called a control freak... i like to think of myself as more of a control... enthusiast. mmm, a perfect 177-degrees. and that's why this road warrior rents from national.
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my favorite part. okay, you guys know how it works. i'm going to ask each of you a question. you have to keep it 100% real and if you don't the audience will boo. but if you do they will give you nice applause. and also you'll get this nice fancy stirk here. okay, katie, i'll start with you. >> patriots woman! >> larry: you're a boston native sports journalist other big patriots fan. if you saw tom brady dedeflating the balls before the super bowl, would you report it before the game, after the game or not at all? ( laughter ) >> the error is in the question because i'm not really a journalist. if i were a journalist-- ( booing ) if i were a journalist-- wait wait. >> larry: 92 late. >> i would do it before. >> larry: too late. okay, jake your turn. you work at cnn now but you used
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to work at abc. >> correct. >> larry: which one keeps it 70 more abc or cnn? i'm assuming they both keep it 70. which one keeps it 70 better? or more? who is doing a better job at keeping it 70? >> compared to being 100 or compared to being 50. >> cnn is the better one. >> larry: hois keeping it 70. >> keeping it realer is cnn ( booing ). >> larry: we won't give you a sticker because maybe the question isn't good. we'll let him off. i'll admit-- the question is unclear. okay. i want to get to-- seton,. >> yes sir. >> redskins team name, is it-- a lot of people say it's racist. but i want to know, is it racist to you? >> no.
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( bleep ). >> larry: that's 100. >> it's not racist to me. there are a lot of racial slurs that aren't racist to me. >> larry: i would stop talking. >> no i want to talk more about racism right now. >> larry: last one, sherrod. >> i love the redskins. >> larry: okay, all right, sherrod. you have a chance to be the owner of the $2 billion l.a. clippers. you have this chance. >> okay. >> larry: it's being laid into your lap. >> okay. >> larry: free and clear. all you have to do is spend a month with donald sterl ago hold on-- at his summer house. even though it's a big house you can't be in different parts of the house. you have to be on his jock the whole time. >> not on his jock -- >> not literally, but you have to hang tight with him. and he never calls you sherrod. >> fine. >> larry: he only refers to you, that's my ( bleep ) right over there. we're keeping it 100. we're keeping it 100. and the month is black history
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month. you gotta do all that. you gotta do all that, but at the end, you are $2 billion owner of the clippers what do you do? >> i can't go to commercial right now right? >> larry: no what do you do? >> i'm doing it. ( cheers and applause ) >> sometimes, sometimes keeping it 100, gives you a couple of million dollars. we'll be right back. spray this. drive that. wear this. shave that. be a man. if you need to be told how to be a man, taco bell's triple steak stack isn't for you. steak. steak. and more steak. th cheese. only at taco bell.
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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: that's all the time we have for tonight. i want to thank our panelists katie nolan, seaton smith, sherrod small, and jake tapper. now, as always thanks for helping me keep it 100 on twitter. each of our panelists had to answer a tough question and i hold myself to the same standard. remember i don't get a chance to see the question until right now. tonight's question comes from @00bw. okay. give meet question. "it's reported that kobe and magic paid off refs for all their championships." i don't like where this question is going. "still stand behind all the laker wins?" it's not true. i stand behind every single laker win. what kind of a question is that? that's not a "keep it 100" question. challenge me! okay? now. ( cheers and applause ) hold on. i bleed purple and gold. you can't ask me a question about the lakers. now on monday's show-- this is
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good-- on monday's show we're going to talk about obesity. so treat your questions-- and there's a buffet after tonight's show. and treat your questions with the hashtag keep it 100. one final thought-- seahawks are going to kick some patriot ass this sunday. that's me keeping it 100. good night everybody. captioning sponsored by comedy central >> it's 11:59, and 59 second this happened on today, america's best friend, the police not the band the police raised a few eyebrows this week when they announced some departments


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