Skip to main content

tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  July 19, 2016 2:36am-3:09am PDT

2:36 am
>> larry: i want to thank my panelists jor dan carlos, franchesca ramsey, xiuhtezcatl martinez. but this is from a friend of the show anthony. let's take a look. larry, we are about to keep had 100. if you had to replace me or tracy ellis ross on blackish, who would you replace and who would you place us with. and remember, keep it a hundred. >> larry: since you asked the question, imma -- i am replacing you, how about that. and i am going to-- i'm not going to play it. i will find out what exacter you think-- bleap bleep. you can't replace anthony
2:37 am
anderson. good nightly, everyone. (cheers and applause) >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. gawker, the philippines celebrated almost 70 years in the sky with this fantastic display. yeah. (laughter) that's the way to do it. what is that, are we being attacked by brazil? what is that? i'm kidding, they don't have the infrastructure to pull that off.
2:38 am
or. >> rio slm. >> chris: that was necessary and awesome. commissioner gordon is inviting batman to a party, i don't know, maybe the blue angels are looking for parking at john travolta's oscar bash, i don't know. hey, you could wrap around the poolhouse. no, that is the philippine airport celebrating their 69th birthday with a high 69. you know what they say, fleeting ain't cheating. in the parade a couple helicopters scis erred while a tank jerked off. anyway, happy 69th birthday to the philippine airport. comedians what are some announcements you might hear from one of these pilots, natasha. >> hi, this is your captain peak speaking i turned off the no [bleep] light, so you are free to [bleep]
2:39 am
>> chris: riki. >> attentions passengers, that is not turbulence, you are experiencing, i'm currently [bleep] my copilot. >> chris: tom lennon. >> hello, passengers. i don't-- all right. @thomas lennon on twitter. "@midnight" bears no responsibility for anything by tom lennon. >> hello, passengers. this is your captain. i'm sorry that the flight is-- . >> chris: oh wait, the self-deprecating in the end, that made it okay. it's time to start "@midnight." this is "@midnight," welcome to
2:40 am
"@midnight." three stars from "another period" fantastic program wednesdays on this channel. natasha leggero. (applause) >> and cocreator an executive producer she plays beatrice riki lindhome. and he plays the marquis de sainsbury, tom lenon. (cheers and applause) it is time for uncle sam-- you develop it's panderdome. (cheers and applause) here a list of things you really should know if you are serious about being the world's-- first up, grapel with reality f you are headed to the rnc to see
2:41 am
spray tanned ski movie bad guy donald trump-- (laughter) >> we're going to make these private, we're going to keep everyone out. will you see this guy receive the republican nomination so be sure to double check your luggage, reporting on the lengthy list of items are you not allowed to bring. take a lessen. >> the city of cleveland's list of items banned from downtown during the convention include tennis balls, grapple hooks and canned goods. >> chris: we have to keep those grappling hooks out of here. you never know if it's going to be beseiged by batman. we have to make sure that everything is-- the list of banned items include lumber, lasers, drones and sledge hammers. >> you can't bring your drone. >> chris: you can't bring your drone or your sledge hammer. comedian, all these restrictions, what is something you are allowed to bring to the rnc. tom.
2:42 am
>> laptops filled with lots of hard-core are gay pornography. >> chris: yep. >> just so we can keep an eye on what those terrible devils are up to. >> chris: riki. >> the ann kowl ter's flash light which is really just a bag of jagged rocks. >> chris: very descriptive. next up, there it is, the democratic national convention is in a few weeks and good news there is going to be an afterparty headlined by snoop dogg. >> smoke weed every day. >> chris: is that our new, every time i mention snoop dogg is that going to play. >> smoke weed every day. (applause) >> that is a good song. >> chris: st. >> i feel like i forgot about that song. >> chris: i know, listen, i
2:43 am
don't think we should encourage people to smoke weed like snoop dogg. >> smoke weed every day. (applause). >> chris: anyway, instead of calling from being bored you will fall asleep due to the fact of that dang ass weed. he is sure to capitalize on this, so what are the cabinet positions fit for snoop, tom. >> whatever hamilton was. >> chris: points. oh good. natasha. >> secretary secrteizzl esch of transportation. snoop dogg. >> smoke weed every day. >> chris: riki. >> the-- . >> chris: points. >> snoop dogg. >> smoke weed every day. >> chris: this is the end-of-panderdome, it's time for tonight's hashtag wars.
2:44 am
(applause) now in the time of year people start trying to figure out the dog of the summer, most of this year's contenders aren't that great. those got cast with another period with us, we will come up with hot jams. from back in the day. back when the only drake they cared about was sir francis with tonight's hashtag historical songs. ♪. >> i hate love that. >> chris: examples might be for those plymouth rock we salute you. 867530-911. i will put 60 seconds on the clock. they're just numbers am i will put 60 seconds on the clock and begin. tom. >> be my lindberg baby tonight. >> chris: pointsk riki. >> big girls don't vote until 1920. >> chris: points. natasha. >> we didn't start the chicago
2:45 am
fire. >> chris: points. tom. >> get out of my dreams and into my buggy. >> chris: points. riki. >> ice ice agey. >> chris: natasha. >>-- hindenberg. >> chris: i want to hear that now. tom. >> i still haven't found the cure for teub teub. >> chris: ric-- riki. >> this is jefferson davis eyes. >> chris: natasha. >> is he really going out with henry the 8th. >> chris: yes, points. that's the end of the hashtag, send your will be tag tag them "@midnight" to keep this game moving along. we'll be right back with more "@midnight" program. (applause) congratulations to our tweet of the day from yesterday's hashtag war. well p
2:46 am
if i hired you, what is your plan? i see a few things changing. less mergers and acquisitions, more charitable donations. retiring on top. linda?! letting boredom get the best of me. and then, returning triumphantly. smells like we're done here. [old spice anthem] the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon... then quickly fell back to earth landing on the roof of a dutch colonial. luckily geico recently helped the residents with homeowners insurance.
2:47 am
they were able to get the roof repaired like new. they later sold the cow because they had all become lactose intolerant. call geico and see how much you could save on homeowners insurance. blades here, blades there. some more over there... whoa! that's not a blade. this is gillette shielding. with lubrication before and after the blade. shields from irritation for a close, comfortable shave. proshield from gillette.
2:48 am
t-mobile never stops improving. and we doubled our lte coverage. that's right! our coverage stacks up with anybody, including verizon and at&t. and only t-mobile gives you more than just great coverage. now you can stream video and music --free! without touching any of your data. so ditch the other guys. and get great coverage and more with t-mobile. we got you covered. and we won't stop!
2:49 am
comeers plaws. >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time to play dunce like nobody's watching. this the dap made its untimely end, a hot new dance craze t is time to mineu teub for the next topical harlem shake to get the internet all sweaty. i will show you an internet dance that could be the next big thing, for 250 points will you
2:50 am
have to answer a question about it. first up, here is one from the depths of romania. ♪ >> chris: i mean-- (applause) on every level the least amount of effort from everyone. clearly they may not be full time-- so what are they do when they're not making hot jams. natasha leggero. >> floating in vats of cologne. >> chris: tom lennon. >> i don't know who it is but uber just told me that guy is going to be here in three minutes. >> chris: all right. >> you could be those dancers. >> chris: next up, this disco
2:51 am
tutorial from finland. it's labeled as disco but what is another name for this dance, riki. >> when maried but [bleep] other guys. >> chris: okay. tom. >> we are finnish. and also this is the only way we can finnish. (applause). >> chris: points. you can cut this up. it would be fonnee if someone photo shopped kayne going i'm going to let you finish. that ised trailer for the [bleep] show. >> chris: all right.
2:52 am
next one, next one, these daddy-os. ♪ (laughter). >> chris: what do they do at the afterparty. you have one for ed baggily senior here? i'm just glad they didn't pan over to me. (laughter) at the afterparty they actually snorted a crushed up lippitor off gary's [bleep] >> chris: natasha. >> pictures of barbecue grilled. >> chris: yes, points. (applause). >> chris: finally, here say
2:53 am
1979 world disco championships. ♪ (laughter) >> oh my god. >> chris: comedians, what is the grand prize of this 1979 world disco championship? ricky. >> eight [bleep] >> chris: natasha. >> a walk on role as tattooed's cousin on fantasy island.
2:54 am
>> chris: yes, very big with the gen xers. points. that is it for dunce like nobody's watching am time for our live challenge, dunce like nobody's watching, where are they now! i'm nationally obsessed with the disco championship at the "@midnight." let's roll more of that late 70st goodness. boys meet boys. ♪ (laughter). >> chris: we were wondering what happened to this international group of rug cutters so comedians your challenge is to give us a where are they now for a contestant of the 1979 disco world championships. we're going to get those after the break. be right back with more "@midnight." (cheers and applause) (guy) oh man, the show's
2:55 am
pretty much over. (friend) wish we could start it from the beginning. (jon bon jovi) with directv, you can. you see, we've got the power to turn back time let's start over, let's rewind and let's go back and not quit the gym and have a chance to say goodbye to grampy tim oh, that's the power to turn back time. (vo) get the ultimate all-included bundle. call 1-800-directv.
2:56 am
with fans clamoring for our next hit album, we return to our extravagant private studio, where we turn gold into platinum. yes, i am rich. that's why i drink the champagne of beers. first you start with this. these guys. a place like shhh! no. found it! and definitely lipton ice tea. lots of it. a lipton meal is what you bring to it. and the refreshing taste of lipton iced tea. the still feels better after 10 shaves than a disposable on it's first mach 3 blades have twice the coatings. for a closer shave with zero redness shave after shave after shave
2:57 am
gillette. the best a man can get. (climbing sounds) when kevin jorgeson needs light, he trusts duracell quantum because it lasts longer. ♪ (duracell slamtones)
2:58 am
(cheers and applause). >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break, showed an amazing video from 1979 disco contest and asked to you give me a where are they now for one of the contestants, let's see what you came up with. we'll start with riki. >> my name is bunny, after the championship i got into hard-core-- porn and then i died after drinking kool-aid at the jonestown massacre. now i haunt liza minute eli's mansion in glendale. (applause). >> chris: tbrofy foxy lady.
2:59 am
natasha. >> i'm ali, shortly after the contest ended i got into a tron machine and spent the next 30 years trapped in a virtual reality world. i just got out. i guess mask got cancelled. [bleep]-- mash got cancelled. [bleep] >> chris: tom lennon. >> i went back in time to kill hitler but my time machine boeing down in 1979. (applause). >> chris: sweet-- bro. tom, i have to give you a thousand points for that.
3:00 am
(cheers and applause). >> chris: riki and natasha, each 500 points. for your efforts. it's time to play wet wag. wet wag. ever went on a date you know the person are you with might not be girl one, like if they want kids and you don't. or show up with a pentagram carved in your forehead and you didn't. theed red flags help us make good decisions and keep our-- from being consumed, wedding dates is in theaters now about two guys who missed the major red flags. here say clip. >> okay. i am proud to introduce our wedding dates. >> you know we look great together. he's so tiny, he's so big. did you get all that. >> chris: so comedians, what is the most red flag that might let you know your date is not the one in 60 seconds, begin. riki. >> he's the guy adele was
3:01 am
singing about. >> chris: points. tom. >> you met her on christian mingle and she's clearly only a farmer. >> chris: points. natasha. >> describes himself as a trump in the streets and a clinton in the sheets. >> chris: points. tom lennon. >> met her on farmer's only, and she's clearly a mingling jew. >> chris: all right, points. ricci. >> he's a child. >> chris: points. tom. >> you met her on jay date and she is clearly a rodeo clown. >> chris: points. natasha. >> he's waiving a red flag that says i'm not the one. >> chris: yes. points. tom. >> you met her on tinder and she's clearly the ashley madison. >> chris: all right, points. natasha. >> constantly uses the phrase beat that-- .
3:02 am
(cheers and applause). >> chris: that is the end of red flags. you know, i'm going not eliminate everyone. it's the end of the week. (cheers and applause) i love all you guys. time to relive your childhood, it's for the win. good news for all the 90st kidsk finally someone is pandering to you. all things 90st wasn't flamed by girl meets world, the new x files, ninja turtles, power puff girls reboot, scream reboot, is he quen of independence day, jurassic park, every third article on buzzfeed, we're getting a new furby. yay! (applause) there he is. yes, the talking toy that learns by constantly watching you like a purple handless creep is back. and this time he's connected to your smartphone. now it can sing, play video,
3:03 am
maybe even read your tinder messagesk take a listen. >> hey, show me some of those nasty little feet. daddy wants to see that nasty little pu ssy. >> chris: if furby learns from its owner, what would yours say after spending a week in your house. we'll gt the answers and name a winner when we come back on "@midnight." we're going to prove just how wet and sticky your current gel antiperspirant is. now, we're going to show you how degree dry spray is different. degree dry spray. degree. it won't let you down.
3:04 am
3:05 am
3:06 am
john is a traveler so he shopped for his airline rewards credit card at lendingtree.com. allison is a shopper, so she loves the cash back credit card she found at lendingtree.com. and kevin had a fun year, [laughs] maybe too fun, so he shopped for his credit card at lendingtree.com. rewards are better than we've seen in years. what kind of credit card personality do you have? come find your perfect card, all in two minutes, all for free. lendingtree. when banks compete, you win. >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it is time for for the win. i will wipe your scores clean from here because i have the poker with. wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe. all right, i will read your answer as loud, you the audience will decide the winner, before the break i let you know that the furby is coming back.
3:07 am
and the thing we didn't ask for, and asked you what yours would learn after living at your place for awhile. let's see what you came up with. first one. please stop letting your dog hump me. (applause). >> chris: all right, number two. >> please tell your boyfriend that using he is using my mouth incorrectly. (cheers and applause). >> chris: or number three. >> wow, how many times can one middle age man jerk off to helen miren. (cheers and applause). >> chris: who is number three who is number three. tom lennon, in a startling
3:08 am
upset. you are not supposed to win this show. this isn't supposed to happen, do you hear me! this isn't supposed to happen! we'll we'll see you with our guessst lauren lapkus, matt besser. besser. continue the hashtag war. the following is a message from new york mayor michael bloomberg. hello. i'm michael bloomberg. now, before i begin, i hope you've all recovered from the traumatic leaf-rustling earthquake that hit new york this july. also, i'd like to apologize

133 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on