tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central July 20, 2016 2:35am-3:06am PDT
facebook, and is the reason i had to explain to two women in a yogurt shop that i wasn't trying to take a photo of their children. folks, turn off your a.r. when you're in public. a brief explanation: you use your phone's g.p.s. to catch pokemon in the real world. for instance, if you go into a bar at 11 a.m., you might catch a day drunk-a-chu. agency are as kids know evolves into chunk- >> it leads to [beep]ing. here at the top, let's play pokemon go as we [beep]. cut to the chase, man. says pokemon go is on phones. you can catch it anywhere. let's see what i can catch on your tits and ass. let me make you st-rbgs wirtle.
if she was good he would make her blastoid. if this is a way to hook up give me another pick up line. >> are you a rock band. you totally look like you can ruin a party. >> chris: okay chris. >> back in the tka *eu they called me pac-man. pussies are always [beep]. these days my line is, my dick only falls out for you. >> chris: nice. [ applause ] dave holmes. >> finish him on my face. chris: alright. it's time to start "@midnight." [cheers and applause] >> chris: whatever. [ applause ] >> chris: don't worry about it guys. i will take over the gym on this lot soon enough.
i'm chris hardwick. this is "@midnight." tonight is "tag team tuesday." tonight's comedians are playing for three lucky followers of the @midnight twitter account, so they and their tag team partners will both be winners. in theory. tonight's comedians are: performing in comedy bang bang live at san diego comic con july 22, it's lauren lapkus. [ applause ] >> chris: his special "besser breaks the record" and documentary "thank you, del" are both streaming now on seeso. it's matt besser. [ applause ] >> chris: author of "party of one, a memoir in 21 songs," it's dave holmes. [cheers and applause] >> chris: let's see who you are playing for. lauren, you are playing for @kayparadise728. matt, you are playing for @benjamintjobe. dave, you are playing for @wickedmessenger. >> we're taking it, shannon.
chris: yes. now it's time to mock the party of lincoln. it's "panderdome: r.n.c. edition"! [cheers and applause] >> chris: we don't need another hero. we'll be celebrating the g.o.p. convention all week with special republican "panderdome" coverage. next week we cover the dnc. first up, "first! lady." last night's r.n.c. speech from botox vampire melania trump was monumentally important; if donald trump is elected, she'd be america's first lady and probably planet earth's final lady. unfortunately for her, diligent internet sleuths discovered that she flat-out ripped off a michelle obama speech. take a look. >> what you wouldn't like. that your word is your bond. that you do what you say you're going to do.
that you treat people -- [cheers and applause] >> -- with dignity and respect. because we want our children and all children in this nation to know that there is only limit to the height of your achievement is the reach of your dreams, and your willingness to work hard for them. [cheers and applause] >> chris: ya. or no. [ applause ] >> chris: we didn't know the whole thing. she does divert at the end. she goes bla-bla the trumpy wife. two monda three, three trumpy wife. she is the third. comedians did she a rickroll everyone. b, tell a heart wrenching tale
about two girls sharing one cup. c, refer to life in small-town slovenia as "oppa gangnam-style" >> a rick roller. chris: let's find out. ♪ ♪ [laughing] ♪ >> chris: here is the thing. by the way we do have to thank swag pwhrolg who made that video. >> here is the thing. history has proven he will run around and desert you. >> chris: next up white whine. prior to all the unhinged yelling from the podium at the r.n.c., there was a lot of unhinged yelling from the gathered crowd in the audience. in summary, an anti-trump faction demanded a roll call vote to stop his nomination, but that motion was denied. what ensued was an outburst of middle-aged white rage like we haven't seen since "two and a
-- "according to jim" was canceled. >> no. >> no! >> in the opinion of the chair the is have it. >> what? chris: that is what i call buyer's remorse. right there extended foot ablg of that moment with more del gatz. >> say no. >> the is have it. chris: i don't know if they did. comedians what -- what is something else you can say to get enraged no reaction from this crowd of ugly republicans. >> ladies and gentlemen, ben carson has just discovered he is
black. >> no! chris: points. lauren. >> has anyone here ever pleased a woman. [laughing] >> chris: points. dave holmes. >> cbs is no longer making fresh episodes of csi. >> chris: points to dave holmes. that's the end of panderome. it's time for tonight's "#hashtagwars." >> the republican diverse convention has a podium and mic outside for anyone to stand up and speak their mind. >> you need a bucket of flour to impress the girl at the bar. and fix that. that's what you have to do. >> chris: ya. ladies love it when you eat a
bucket of tphrourb. wait until he gets into the convention. our hashtag is #overheardatrnc. >> it's a real white privilege to be here. >> chris: points. >> where is that guy going with the photo copier and michelle obama's speech. >> chris: points. >> i am not a bigot. have i a lot of friends of interior racist. >> chris: points. >> i hear night freeze is guyery lighting his farts on fire. >> is it loading slow for you too. >> what's that guy, joany loves
natzi. >> muslim, i don't even know him. >> chris: points that's the end of #hashtagwars. >> send us your #overheard atrnc and keep the game going. one of these is not like the others. because only one triple doubles the seasoned beef, nacho cheese sauce and crunchy tostada. taco bell's new limited-edition triple double crunchwrap. it's one you don't want to miss. [sfx: bong]
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play "sweet emoji: hollywood edition." of all the signs the world is ending, perhaps none is more foreboding than the fact that they're making a goddamn emoji movie. this is bound to set off a whole new trend of cringeworthy emoji-driven blockbusters. so, comedians, i'm going to show you a series of emojis, and, for 250 points, i want you to translate it into a big-time movie pitch. first up: this one. alright, matt besser. >> alright. freddie mercury gets reincarnated as a jack-o-lantern to sell songs to trump. [laughing] >> chris: alright. lauren. >> it's a sequel to "indecent proposal" where a millionaire pays he geraldo rivera a lot of
money -- >> chris: why would he have to -- [ applause ] >> chris: -- so if i'm in the studio and you pitch that to me the first question is why not finger a regular pumpkin. what is special about geraldo rivera's. >> this one talks. chris: so he can say stop fingering me. >> no, more. chris: or ouch. ouch. next up. >> chris: alright. dave. >> i see doping, rejection, one ball. it's a lance aorp lance armstro. has it all. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: how does the puppy figure in? >> he has a cute dog. he talks. >> chris: yes. >> and he fingers him. [laughing] [laughing] >> chris: lauren. >> a dog and a little girl swap brains but they both die.
[laughing] >> chris: next one, next one. alright. lauren. >> a middle aged man gets a bunch of new hobbies but still hates himself. >> chris: points. dave. >> okay. it's an erotic shower thriller about a brooklyn hipster biker guy who falls in love with the mighty mighty boss tones. >> a shower thriller? chris: that's the impression i get. >> yes. chris: come on guys. next up? dave. >> "independence day 3" will smith's son reinvades the planet booty. >> chris: points. points. [ applause ] matt besser. >> a documentary about president
obama being the first president in space to do anal. [laughing] >> chris: i mean, other presidents have done other stuff in space but none of them have done anal yet. next one. alright. matt. >> the mc-rib is back. chris: a whole movie. >> the whole movie. chris: points. lauren. >> a pilot is haunted by his past [beep]. [laughing] >> chris: a paddle for that. >> yes. chris: excess baggage. >> chris: that's the end of "sweet emoji: hollywood edition." it's time for our live
challenge, "dank squats." marijuana is all but legal in our fair state. i know nobody does it yet. still a few uptight institutions that won't let you blaze up inside them. for instance, certain daycares that insist toddlers are especially prone to contact highs. well, one wall between a man and his herb is about to be broken down in san francisco, where a new gym will allow customers to smoke out while they work out. [cheers and applause] >> chris: no you're wrong. a bad idea i'm guessing the biggest challenge they'll face is getting stoners to go somewhere that isn't their house. comedians, this new gym will need some personal trainers. i want you to give a motivational workout for stoners. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight! [cheers and applause] what is your plan?
i see a few things changing. less mergers and acquisitions, more charitable donations. receiving pats on the back, yes, but most importantly, giving them. accounts, 401k, nicknames... linda?! luggage, saving the wildlife. retiring on top. letting boredom get the best of me. and then, returning triumphantly. smells like we're done here. linda?! [old spice anthem]
in my gentleman's quarters, we sip champagne and peruse my art collection, which consists of renaissance classics and more avant-garde pieces. yes, i am rich. that's why i drink the champagne of beers. it's time to take your the next level, literally. with a whole new level of seasoned beef, nacho cheese sauce and crunchy tostada. taco bell's new limited-edition triple double crunchwrap. you'll triple-double love it. [sfx: bong]
[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. so nice to be back. before the break, i showed you a new gym where you can smoke pot and asked you to audition to be a personal trainer. dave, let's start with you. >> today's work out we're going to figure out to get the pringles over here, they're over there. now a warm up. what were we talking about two seconds ago? >> chris: good. matt besser. >> alright, man. let's start with some deep bong pulls. keep your carb fingers strong. hold that hit for a count of 4 for 20. exhale interpreting radiohead lyrics. >> chris: good. lauren lapkus. >> lift the tv and put it down.
lift the tv and put it down. wait a minute this isn't a gym, this is a best buy. [beep] >> chris: alright. i will give a thousand points to lauren lapkus. 500 to matt and dave. >> chris: it's time for "a speed game about pussy." we're 15 years old here. 15 years old. a story from last year is resurfacing about a new york writer michelle barrow really loves her two cats. in fact, for the last couple years, she's let her kitties donut and cricket sleep with her every night, and-- hang on, sickos-- it's not what you're thinking. doctors just had to remove a two-inch hairball from her vagina. now -- [laughing] during a routine exam, her doctor found a feline tumbleweed
in her privates, most likely because, according to michelle, she and her fianceé sleep in the nude and rarely change their she's, the cat hair accumulated on his dressy dick and he packed it into her like a civil war musket. this accounts for her new vagina growing a wookiee. i mean, talk about a litter box. i'm sure medical professionals have to break horrifying discoveries to their patients all the time, so, comedians, as a doctor i'd like you to give me as many good news/bad news scenarios as you can. i'm putting 60 seconds on the begin. >> the bad news is you have been stunning by a million tiny wasps. i really enjoined that snapchat, ms. kardashian. >> the good news we sued your husband's dick back on. the bad news, it's the same one he had before. >> chris: points. [laughing] >> chris: matt. >> good news is your feet know
longer smell. bad news is you have no feet. >> chris: points. [laughing] >> chris: how do you break that to someone. matt. >> good news is your you are ion comes out in pretty colors. bad news is mostly that color is red because it's blood. >> chris: points. lauren. >> the bad news you died playing pokemon go. the good news you caught sticky-pup. >> chris: go. >> the bad news again tile warts. the good news you have the guy's number from creed. [laughing] >> chris: that is the end of a speed game about pussy. matt besser. we have to eliminate you from the play. oh, i know. do you have last words because we release you? >> well, i just got [beep] sober. everyone tweet me at home now. tell me how i got [beep]. you know what happened there. that's the price of the record.
that's all i have to say. >> chris: red light! sorry, i don't know why we had the assault light. [ applause ] >> chris: that means it's time to ghost a governor. it's "for the win!" all great love stories come to an end, and, just like taylor swift and calvin harris, donald trump dumped chris christie for mike pence as his running mate. it feels worst when it gets 30,000 retweets. but this governor's not balling. he says that his old flame still hits his phone up. "chris christie just told reporters him and trump text all the time." texting your ex is step three of conscious un-vice-presidenting. comedians, as donald trump, i want you to send a breakup text to chris christie. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight.
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mhm, i think so. geico. expect great savings and a whole lot more. [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for "for the win." i am going to wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe. it comes down to this. i will read your answers aloud, and you, the audience, will decide the winner. before the break, i asked you to write a breakup text from donald trump to chris christie. let's see what you came up with. first one ... new vp. who did. [cheers and applause] >> chris: or ... you washed up?
alright. i think number one. who is number one? dave holmes is number one. [cheers and applause] david holmes has won the internet. you are the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours! we'll see you all tomorrow night, when our guests will be jon heder, will sasso and chris d'elia. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #overheardatrnc and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. good night! good night! [cheers and applause] live from oakland university in rochester michigan, it's the cnbc republican debate. good evening. and welcome to the cnbc republican debate. i'm maria bartiromo.