Skip to main content

tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  July 22, 2016 2:39am-3:10am PDT

2:39 am
♪ (cheers and applause) >> if you live in the new york cityiary or are planning to visit, grab free tickets to "the nightly show." ♪ it's here, but it's going by fast. the opportunity of the year is back: the mercedes-benz summer event. get to your dealer today for incredible once-a-season offers, and start firing up those grilles. lease the c300 for $379 a month at your local mercedes-benz dealer. mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. when you don't get enough and your body aches... you're not yourself. tylenol® pm relieves pain and helps you fall fast asleep and stay asleep.
2:40 am
we give you a better night. you're a better you all day. tylenol®. hey there. hi, i'm looking for a deal on an iphone... ...i was thinking, something along these lines. oh, okay. well, how about this? here's my answer. is this you with a dinosaur body? it's just me with happy hands... it just means i'll take it. right now, buy an iphone and get another one free when you add a second line. the for "siglo veinte".equis label are roman numerals spanish for 20th century...
2:41 am
but you don't want a spanish lesson, you want news about the next most interesting man in the world. well, don't we all. (cheers and applause) >> larry: i want to thank my panelists, and thanks for watching! goodnightly, everyone! (cheers and applause) ♪
2:42 am
>> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. second, this happened on twitter, the roomba is a domestic robot that vacuums when are you gone so when you get home, you only have to vacuum the places roomba can't reach like upstairs or downstairs or under things. yeah. nice job, roomba. (laughter) it gets stuck up against that pot. think of all the brooms i could have bought with that money. for comedy purpose, of course, i got a roomba and it's great. roomba is slow and steady, a work droid, but japanese roomba enthusiast warusoneko got one and made modification, the results are a vacuum cleaner that definitely does not suck. take a look. (laughter) what a relaxing noise that makes. this sounds like roomba was
2:43 am
cleaning at a cicada glory hole. (applause) you can't bull a cicada glory hole, they have to wait 17 years to wait for another cicado to stick their d, ck through it. how dare you! (applause) that is per sis tense. what is a good tag line the souped up roomba. >> cocaine mode electronic dance music optional. >> chris: yes. dan. >> it's the only roomba powered by the ghost of amy winehouse. (applause) >> too soon? >> chris: no, april richardson. >> screw the laser pointer, show your cat you are not [bleep] around. perfect. it's time to start "@midnight"!
2:44 am
welcome to "@midnight." i'm chris hardwick. don't owe comedians are performing as accidental comedy fest in cleveland, august 26th to the 28, ramon riff az is here. (applause) -- riff as is here. cohost of not safe with nikki glaser pond cast and my dumb friend podcast. in montreal july 30th. dan st. germain. performing at the comedy attic in indiana august 4th to the 6, airport richardson is back on-- april richardson is back on the program. (applause) if is panderdome, rnc edition. (laughter)
2:45 am
>> master blaster, master blaster. >> chris: the republican convention we're looking back on the year and pandering. next week we will cover the dnc but right now the race for the nomination was like a high stakes game of hot potatoe with leads constantly shifting as voters try to decide which candidate they hated the least. at various points the frontrunner was ben carson, ted cruz, carly fiorina, george zimmerman, and wrestler man kind. the zodiac killer, wario, an ar-15 and ronald reagan's exhumed skeleton. but many-- it looks like he fell in a pit but he actually fell in a well. come on, come on. the '80s joke, '80s joke. all right, all right.
2:46 am
stay off drugs. many never had a chance so comedians i want to show you casualties of the republican primary season. will you tell us where they are now. first up, lindsey graham, lindsey graham, whimpering pound puppy lindsey graham joined the race with two goals, to make his sister proud and to learn to dress himself like a big boy. >> some self humiliation, even trump started to feel bad for him thanks to momets like this where he destroyed his theory of flip phones on youtube. he didn't even do that right, he [bleep] up. pretty cool, lindsey. i haven't seen an old person make i youtube video that desperate since wilford brimley's vape tricks compilation. comedians where is lindsey
2:47 am
graham now? >> he's at radio-- radio shack buying another phone. >> chris: yes. >> eating ice cream by himself at a white's only golf course. (laughter). >> chris: points. i will give you points, could you have just said golf course. (laughter) next up, incoherent lands end vulture sarah palin, the alaskan roio cyborg came roaring back into the spotlight to jump on the trump wagon. here she is endorns-- endorsing him back in january. >> looking around at all of you, you hardworking, iowa families, you farm families and teachers and team steres and-- you rock 'n' rollers, and holy rollers.
2:48 am
you with the hands that rock the cradle. >> total courtesy smile for that. >> all you hands that rock the cradle and girl interrupted and single white females and this is the rosemary's babies and the air buds and the fridays and next fridays. and especially all you working hard, down at the roadhouse, point break, this campaign will never diehard. >> chris: where is sar palin now? >> april. >> i don't know, probably becoming a grandmother for like the 9th time. bristol hates condoms. >> chris: points. >> up to her tits in pills. >> chris: sarah pillin. >> based off her sweater, joann
2:49 am
fabrics. >> chris: yes, points. so that's not a-- a discoball got loose in anchorage and she hunted it and skinned it. that's what happened. >> i used every part of the disco ball. >> chris: every part. that is the end of panderdome. it's now time for the hashtag wars. (cheers and applause). >> chris: with all the tha is going on in the world from the rnc to zika to the dnc to lady gaga and taylor kinney breaking up it looks like it's time to baton down our collective hatches and prepare for the apocalypse. it's going to happen. we might as well enjoy it. survival are talking about, surviving the zombie apoc liss, even when you use machetes in their undead brain you still have to live your life, that is why hashtag is apocalypse resolutions. examples, go to war with mario for some pringles. or get out of the bunker more.
2:50 am
i will put 60 seconds on the clock. begin. >> start that new all-twingie diet. >> chris: points. dan. >> switch over to diet urine. >> chris: all right. >> real highbrow over here, chris. >> chris: also known as squirt. april. >> the mayor of that city i started in that abandoned wal-mart. >> chris: yeah, points. ramon. >> implement trickle down can balancism. >> chris: yes, points. >> be more honest with the volleyball. i drew a human face on. >> chris: points. april. >> finally learn to play guitar on that guitar i made from a human rib cage. >> chris: points. >> finish the good wife. >> chris: points. that is the end of hashtag war, sen us your hashtags and tag those "@midnight" to keep the
2:51 am
game going. we'll be right back with more "@midnight" before the apocalypse. >> congratulations to our tweet of the day from yesterday's hashtag war. well played. i am rich. with fans clamoring for our next hit album, we return to our extravagant private studio, where we turn gold into platinum. yes, i am rich.
2:52 am
that's why i drink the champagne of beers. nversus a lube strip. a hydrating gel reservoir that gives you 40% less friction. it's designed like no other razor to protect from irritation. sorry, lube strip. schick hydro®. free your skin®. first you start with this. these guys. a place like shhh! no. found it! and definitely lipton ice tea. lots of it. a lipton meal is what you bring to it. and the refreshing taste of lipton iced tea.
2:53 am
2:54 am
>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time to play the perfect response. the perfect response. internet clickbait machine loves to claim people had the perfect
2:55 am
response to things whether it's sad shaming, mom same shaming, shame shaming. i can't keep up. but the point is someone always knows what just to say. i want to show you clips of people with killer comebacks and one-liners and for 250 points i want you to tell me what is said next. first up a rif eted restaurant reaction. >> oh my-- can you eat [bleep] like that? >> chris: isn't that how are you supposed to do it? what is the next line? april. >> do you eat [bleep] like that because if so your girlfriend is in the hospital. i'm worried about her safety. >> chris: points. dan doesn't everybody eat [bleep] like a death row inmate
2:56 am
eating their last meal. >> chris: yes, points, points. ramon. >> right now? >> chris: points. next, this first time caller. >> are you on the air, good morning, we're doing open phone. >> hi m i on the air. >> yup. >> [bleep] (laughter). >> chris: he was so excited. >> i'm going to do it, i'm just going to do it. what comes next, april? >> yes, this is jeremy [bleep] do you have a question for our guest, dr. -- he is a doctor. respect him. >> yes, i am frans tits. yes. >> chris: points. dan. >> looks like blitzer bsh bsh blitzer's been drinking again.
2:57 am
>> chris: ramon. >> right now? >> chris: point, very much points. next one, check out this radical dude. >> hey, do you smoke weed? >> so do i. >> chris: what gets said next, april. >> yeah, it's for my juvenile glaucoma, that's why i have this medical skateboard and dr. prescribed 3-11 ticket. >> chris: points. next up, this youth. >> have you ever had a dream that-- that you-- you had-- you could-- you want-- you could do-- you should-- you want-- you want him to do so much you could do anything?
2:58 am
plawses (applause). >> chris: he [bleep] that up. april what is the next line. >> perfect, write it down, get to michael bairks a script for the new transformers movie is ready. >> chris: perfect. ramon. >> have you been smoking weed with your brother at the skate park again? >> chris: yes, points, points. next one i think we have said this at one point or another. >> in the name of jesus, you be made whole by the power of god. >> chris: what is said next? >> we'll be right back with more ellen. >> chris: points.
2:59 am
dan. >> paula dean learns spanish. >> points. >> chris: that is the end of the perfect response, time for our live challenge. trump em out. the rnc wraps up with a time honored tradition of officially introducing the rep nan nominee who will be crushed in the general election to the customary line, introducing the next president of the united states. which just sounds weird, right am you could just as easily introduce trump as the next head of a very [bleep] media empire. or the next guy to scream at a waitress who messes up his order. and it would feel just accurate. as president of the united states. comedian, as a gop official about to announce trump is your nominee, please give me a more appropriate introduction. we'll have your answers. (applause)
3:00 am
♪ adios, muchacho. [laughs]
3:01 am
[spraying & sniffing] [whip crack] [grumbling] [groaning] and that's how our town was freed. and i remember thinking, this would make a strange deodorant commercial. [old spice whistle]
3:02 am
in my gentleman's quarters, we sip champagne and peruse my art collection, which consists of renaissance classics and more avant-garde pieces. yes, i am rich. that's why i drink the champagne of beers.
3:03 am
. >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break, we asked you to put yourselves in the shoes of a gop official and introduce donald trump as your nominee. let's see what you came up with. dan, let's start with you. >> he's the kind of guy you would want dating your daughter if he wasn't already [bleep] his own. donald trump. >> chris: oh boy. all right. april. >> ladies and gentlemen, this is the moment we've all been dreading, please welcome the love child of chester cheetah and liberace the man who makes
3:04 am
lieu hefner look like gloria steinham, the heav weight bankruptcy champion of the world, donald trump. >> chris: all right. ramon. >> shut up lady, white gentlemen, please welcome the man who worked tireilessly to enshier republicans have same home folkic and transphobic rate and restrictions on women's rights as isis, a man we know will be a great a president as he is a chanceman, donald bigotface trump! >> chris: all right.
3:05 am
based on the crowd's reaction, no points on donald trump. sounds for 500 each to dan and april, as we go to our next game, nope-e-mon go. hey, guess what, a lot of people trolling on line i got a pikachu today and i'm excited about it, pik-an [bleep] chu. at 265pc i'm going power the [bleep] up with this [bleep]. i'm so excited. people mon go is the hot cruz that forces indoor kids yut doors. i got sunburned for the first time ever catching a squirtel last week. the only problem is the gps enabled game can lead you to [bleep] locations that you would normally like to avoid. like church.
3:06 am
now not long ago-- . >> no! >> not long ago christians were claiming pokemon to be the work of the devil. now they're using to to lure kids into church. how could this possibly go wrong. comedians i will show you shady locals and i would like you to name a pokemon you would find there. first up, this completely reputable business, ramon. >> a cold corestore. >> points. >> next up, at the farmer's market. dan. >> couple that secretly is unhappyachu. >> points. >> chris: next one, april. >> conkusasau r. >> chris: yeah, what about inside the o little-- olive garden. >> when are you here you you are family, because you don't have a
3:07 am
real one a-chu. >> chris: this is the ends of nope tz mon. i am supposed to to eliminate someone, but i am enjoying this panel, i'm not going to eliminate anyone. too much fun. that means it's time to hurt me more than it hurts you. it's for the win. (applause) it is summer so you know what that means, sending your kids to sleep away camp so you can [bleep] other people and do drugs. according to the new york post, this is the new trend for young parents in the big apple. they drop their kids off, drive straight to their shaman to pick up some peyote and rush back to [bleep] the living [bleep] out of cadens mom. when their kids are swimming and making dream catchers they are smoking [bleep] and livering in punana. as a hot and horny parent i
3:08 am
would like you to write an evite to a wild and sexy party. we'll get the answers and name a winner when we come back on "@midnight". we're going to prove just how wet and sticky your current gel antiperspirant is. now, we're going to show you how degree dry spray is different. degree dry spray. degree. it won't let you down.
3:09 am
don't you dare follow your dreams. think big. or demand your own space. don't you dare leave it all behind. don't you dare ask what's next. introducing the first-ever cadillac xt5. ♪


info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on