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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  November 30, 2016 2:07am-2:36am PST

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influence in his community, but at the same time is a drug dealer. >> yes. >> trevor: when you are playing that character, how are you getting that person across to us on the other side of the lens? >> well, what attracted me to this part is, when i read moonlight, it was so refreshing and moving to me because the people that i grew up with, who i was relatively close to, who sold drugs or the people who i knew who dealt in that element growing up, to me, were still people i admired and loved and loved to this day. so when i saw juan on the beige, what was we -- on the page, what was refreshing to me is he was somebody who felt like people i grew up with, who were full human beings, who loved me and loved their kids, so he was human.
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in some regard, it was relatively easy for me to relate to him because he just felt real. >> trevor: you did a fantastic job. honestly, i can't recommend this film enough. every idea, theme, emotion you could probably feel as a human being, you feel on screen, and you did a fantastic job conveying it, you and the rest of the cast and directors. >> thank you so much. >> trevor: thank you for being here. a beautiful film. do yourself a favor and watch "moonlight," in theaters right now. mahershala ali, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ( cheers and applause )
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>> trevor: that's our show for tonight. thank you for tuning in. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> my time is devoted to trying to make sure this nation is secured, not to comment on every comment of mr. trump. now, that may be your priority and yours and yours. that may be your priority to comment every day on any comment that mr. trump has. my priority is to try to defend the nation and the men and women who are serving it.y central
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>> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight when the day resets and we announce a winner. so, yesterday, we talked about black friday, which was followed by small-business saturday, then cyber monday. it's like our entire calendar has become a capitalist holy week. soon we'll be walking around with dollar signs drawn in ash on our foreheads but, luckily, today is a break from the consumerist madness, because it's "giving tuesday." it's "giving tuesday." ( angelic music ) oh, yeah, there's the-- yeah. today, we can all do our part for sick kids, sick animals, and sick tax breaks. there are a ton of great charities out there, and people online are really getting into the spirit. why, the gates foundation even pledged to match donations made on facebook up to $it 500,000,
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which is what bill found in his ( bleep ) jeans before putting them in the laundry. but, comedians, since our calendar has become a "simon says" of pushy holidays, what are some other social media days to fill out our week? can car. >> self-suck saturday where you -- >> where you want? where you take a moment every week to learn how to go down on yourselves. >> chris: fantastic. one day a week. >> thank you, thank you. >> chris: if you figure that out on saturday, it turns out to "i quit my job monday through friday." get a grip! i have a grip on myself. i'm trying to get a mouth on myself. >> i have freaky friday where you switch bodies with your dad and ( bleep ) your mom. >> chris: all right, great, great. >> is this on television? is this an online show or what?
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i couldn't say "penis" when i did "s.n.l.." i had to say, "naughty boabus area" which sounded worse than penis. >> chris: chelsea. >> my holiday is ( bleep ) tomorrow christmas? i am not done shopping. i haven't started wrapping. why is everything so stressful, saturday. >> chris: perfect. very well done. you just got married, too. >> i did. >> chris: yeah, me, too! we got married! >> i got married! we're in the club! >> 34 years! >> hey, i'm single. >> really? you are married but guringless. >> for the ladies. ( laughter ) >> chris: next up, the war on santa. if you're watching this show with your kids, you're a great parent, thank you. and, also, sorery for all the time i did this. but before this next piece, here is a disclaimer. >> the following video contains
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information pertaining to the existence of santa claus. >> chris: according tow a new study, it's damaging for parents to lie to kids about santa claus before jesus's birthday. here's a fair and balanced take from fox news. >> they shutting lying to children could undermine their trust in parents, as a result leaving them open to abject disappointment. if parents can lie so convincingly and over such a loclong time what, else can they lie about? ( laughter ) >> chris: first of all, ( bleep ) you. and those kids. i love this-- don't lie to your kids, but go ahead and keep getting your news from a totally biased news source. ( cheers and applause ) >> help, help, i'm out. >> chris: you're in! you're in. >> ackerman's out. >> chris: ackerman's in. >> this wasn't very nice. you're not very nice. when is this on,midnight? why?
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why? comedians, at this sensitive time of year, what else is triggering you about santa claus? scott aukerman. >> now you don't believe it when i hear anyone is coming to down. my uncle, none of them. >> i loved the 90s tour. >> chris: points. chelsey crisp. >> i saw mommy kissing him but he didn't have a beer and he looked a lot like our pilates instructor. >> he was ripped! >> i'm a vegan but i eat reindeer meat out of spite. >> chris: points. very good, very good. >> you'll show them! next up, "magic mountain tensions." as if things weren't bad enough in the world, twitter user @larscasteen pointed out yesterday that while we've been worried about trump and iran, we're facing destruction at the hands of an even worse mounting conflict: the "wizard's war brewing between criss angel and david copperfield." be careful! they're going to ( bleep ) destroy the mipistry of magic,
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with all their wand zapping on sunday. party warlock criss angel tweeted: "just hit one million real twitter followers. didn't buy them like d.c., who continues to buy all his fake followers. real fans can't be bought." ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> is that one of his tricks? >> chris: he shows the abs all the time. >> i only bought half my followers! >> chris: the thing that he doesn't understand here, your twitter followers, that million number doesn't mean anything. you have scores of people who just signed on. you have bots. they're not all actual-- it's alarming to me a guy who is suppose to be an illusionist has fallen for the biggest social media illusion of all. ( cheers and applause ) in this in the tweet, he's trying to start (bleep) with cialis user magazine's saxophone player of
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the year, david copperfield, who millennials may recognize as option 4 on the wall of your dad's barbershop. shots have been fired in this real-life wizard war and criss angel just rang copperfield's bell, and you know what that means-- every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. in other words, criss angel gets free hot wings at the strip club where he d.j.s. ( laughter ) ( applause ) so, comedians, this online sorcerers' battle is going to get a lot worse before it gets better and we're all going to be the casualties here. how will this ultimately end. >> jeff dunn is going to kidnap them, hold them hostage, until they ( bleep ) every one of his puppets. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> chris: scott aukerman. >> i think copperfield is going to nok chelse criss angel town. let's check the scoreboards. with 250 points from "fresh off the boat," tuesdays on abc, it's chelsey crisp.
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( cheers and applause ) with 400 points, his new hour special, "straight white male, 60" is streaming now on netflix, it's dana carvey. ( cheers and applause ) with 300 points host of "comedy bang! bang!" the series finale airs fridays on i.f.c., scott aukerman. ( cheers and applause ) and now it's time for tonight's "#hashtagwars." ( cheers and applause ) "moana--" it is pronounced mow-often-a-- is dominated at the bhox office partly because its star dwayne "the rock" johnson has given the people's elbow to hearts across the country. here he is being the sexiest man alive. you can come on this program whenever you want.
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please, come on our show. ( cheers and applause ) he plays the demigod of the sea, which is fitting since he makes all the seats wet. tonight's hashtag is.ù #sexydisney >> i'm so glad there's a podium in front of me. >> he was already pretty sexed up. >> chris: this is when she ( bleep ) gets it done. some examples: "69 dalmatians" and "finding nemo's g-spot." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock and begin. chelsea. >> some day my prince will will come. >> chris: points. scott aukerman. >> aladip my butt. >> chris: caerve. >> walt disney. >> >> chris: chelsea. >> cherry popins. >> chris: points.
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"achtun scott aukerman. >> under the sea. >> chris: chelsea. >> super calafragilistic-auto erotic asphyxiation. >> chris: dana carvey. >> booty in the east. >> chris: chels. >> the little spermade. >> chris: octoberer man. >> please welcome your next dancer, fantasia. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> chris: that's the end of "#hashtagwars." send us your #sexydisney and tag them @midnight to keep the game more "@midnight." our tweet of the day from last night's hashtag war was sent to night's hashtag war was sent to us by @saw bhs07.
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come on! night's hashtag war was sent to us by @saw bhs07. why doesn't verizon offer unlimited data like t-mobile? is it because their lte network was built six years ago? six years ago? that's like a hundred... in phone years! their lte network is older, slower and they limit you. switch to t-mobile, the newer, faster and unlimited network. we cover 99% of the americans verizon covers. switch your family of four to t-mobile and we'll give you $800 to spend anywhere you want.
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time to play "unfortunate product names." "unfortunate product names." a good product name should be almost like a song lyric-- sweet and melodic, like hydrox or anusol. we scoured the internet with a scrunge and found some very unfortunately-named products. comedians, i'm going to show you one, and for 250 points, i want you to give me a catch phrase to help sell it. first, this homemade jam that tastes just like grandma.
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>> contains 10% real grandma juice. >> chris: only 10? what a rip! it's knot 90% first lady. dana. >> show grandma a good time and eat out the jar. unless casey kasim is doing that commercial. >> it's that commercial voice. anything he says sounds funny. >> chris: chelsea. >> unexpected racist comment not included. >> chris: yes, points. ( applause ) >> tastes like grandma. spreads easier. next one-- guys, come on, it was right there. no, that's on you. next, this is only puke. this is only puke. dana. >> from the makers of "i just ( bleep ) myself." >> chris: points. he's doing every commercial.
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>> casey is doing every one from now on. getting a lot of work from beyond the exwraif. grave. >> only puke-- rub it in your hair to feel like lindsay lohan. >> chris: points. point. next one, this ball hair trimmer from the ball hair trimming experts at tov. chelsea. >> it's the besticcal. >> chris: very good, point. dana carvey. >> show those crabs who's the boss. ( cheers and applause ) ( applause ) >> sticking can casey. >> chris: add october. >scott aukerman.>> much easier l castration. >> chris: points. next up, the latest ish of oily boy magazine for elder boys. this is a magazine for elder boys. so, you know-- dana carvey. >> more boys wrestling than you can shake a chris hansen at.
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( cheers and applause ) >> chris: chelsea. >> featuring an exclusive interview with erik trump. >> chris: points. points. and, finally, for dessert crab apples, everybody! >> hey, they're manhattan style! come on! >> chris: scott aukerman. >> contains 10% real grandma juice. ( laughter ) works for both of them. >> chris: points. that's the end of "unfortunate product names." it's time for our live challenge, "apollo #2." ( cheers and applause ) astronauts are true american heroes who face dangerous challenges every day: pushing the boundaries of human endurance, tolerating that annoying matt damon while he hangs around trying to get into character, and apparently,
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exploring the cosmos also they run into the issue of what to do when your pants fill with poop. nasa recently launched the space poop challenge, a call for amateur scientists to solve the problem of human waste disposal in space, because as the website puts it, "in space, no one can hear you flush." no! >> oh, nasa! which just the amateur scientists? let's call in the pros. space poop has been a problem since nasa's inception, which means it's pretty likely that when neil armstrong uttered those famous words, "that's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," he was waste deep in space poops, guys. so, comedians, i want you to put the "ass" in astronaut and give me a new famous space quote with this stinky new information. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more "@midnight." tonight is tag team tuesday. tonight's comedians are playing for three lucky followers of the "@midnight" twitter account, so they and their tag team partners will both be winners: @coffeesnob42, @thedirtyvegan, and @bravesstats.
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what a delightful bunch! this is the new 2017 chevy cruze. i'm only going to show you half it. what do you think? i think it looks very sleek. the lights remind me of audi lights. and it starts at $22,190. nice.
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but, there's another side to this car. oh, wow. i love it. this is the first-ever chevy cruze hatch. well, that's pretty impressive. wow. so check it out. yeah, that's awesome. i do like it a lot. now that you know it's a hatchback, what does it make you think of? young professional slash weekend warrior. the whole business in the front, party in the back sort of thing. and having one toolset i cand trust by my side,s... helps me do just that. this craftsman 42 piece bit socket set from sears gives me an edge... no more hex keys, no extra wrenches and no more wasted time. with all these bit sockets and an extension on the ratchet... i can reach places other socket sets can't. get it today for only $29.99. if i come across a spot that seems impossible to reach... i grab the new craftsman 24 piece reach and access set from sears. its ball-end design gives me even more access to reach fasteners and tighter angled spaces. it's a must have addition to the 42 piece set. add it today for only $29.99.
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craftsman hand tools are protected by a lifetime full warranty, so i know they'll do the job for life or i can replace them for free. this holiday, let someone unwrap the tools that have been trusted for generations. give them craftsman tools.
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break, i showed you nasa's space poop challenge, a contest to solve the problem of waste disposal in space, and asked you to give me a famous space quote from a poop-soaked astronaut. let's see what you wrote. scott aukerman. >> space! the final dump here. ( laughter ) >> chris: very good. ( applause ) chelsea. >> houston, we have a problem. ( laughter ) >> chris: points. ( applause ) dana carvey. >> ♪ this is major tom to ground
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control ♪ i'm poowing where i don't know i need a bathroom wyat right aw, away, away ♪ >> i sounded more like john lennon. >> chris: 1,000 to dana carvey, 500 each to chelsea and scott as we go to our next game, "have yourself a famous little christmas." the the holiday shopping season is here, and i bet you've spent so much time stressing about what you're getting friends and family, you haven't thought about what to get your favorite celebrities. i mean, gwyneth paltrow will be so upset if she doesn't get some umbilical cords from various endangered species to make into a life-giving smoothie! comedians, i'm going to show you a celebrity, and you're going to tell me what you think they're asking santa for. first up, i wander if anyone knows what arnold schwarzenegger wants, dana carvey. >> i want a housekeeper.
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( cheers and applause ) >> hands off buzzers for me. >> chris: next up, bill clinton. caerve. >> i want a saxophone that tastes like a lady. ( applause ) >> chris: by the way, that saxophone 10% real grandma juice. ( laughter ) next up, what does taylor swift want for christmas? chelsea. >> a paper shredder for ex-boyfriends. >> chris: points. next up, the real housewives. octoberer man. >> actual talent. >> chris: points. ( cheers and applause ) next one, paul mccartney. carvey. >> for millennials to know who the ( bleep ) i am. >> chris: points. ( applause ) finally, aurora illinois' own public access celebrity garth algar.
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( cheers and applause ) >> i'm not sure i have an answer, chris i mean, you know, because the sphincter, says, what. >> chris: what's that, what? that's the end of "have yourself a famous little christmas." you know, i'm not going to eliminate anyone today because we're just having too much fun. >> you couldn't do it, right, in this climate you couldn't just kick the woman out? >> chris: it just felt a little-- >> i touch. i just touch. i just-- i just kiss. i kiss and a touch. sorry, you were saying--
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>> i don't feel safe. that means it's time to grow the (bleep) up. it's "for the win"! ( cheers and applause ) we're all adults. have you head that term, "adulting?" that's when adults want special credit for acting like ( bleep ) grownups. now those big babies can get that grownup credit they crave at the adulting school in portland, maine-- the portland, oregon of maine. students at adulting school learn how to do all kinds of adult things, from financial basics, to cooking food, to putting air in your tires, to remembering you left something cooking on the stove and running back inside, but it's too late your apartment's burning down, and you have to call 911 and stop, drop, and roll. you know adult ( bleep ). it basically teaches you everything you should have learned in kindergarten, but now you have a full beard and tattoo sleeves and the kindergarten security people are very suspicious of you.
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leave me, pokemon, if those kids. comedians, you're adults-- or at least you look old enough to drink. i would like you to give me a course description you might find in adulting school. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back "on @midnight." (pained groans) just gonna need one big push. (groaning continues) you got one more. here we go. congrats! i hear you're having a baby. here we go. just breathe. here we go.
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