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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  November 30, 2016 11:31pm-12:02am PST

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i'm not labeling you as the bad person, i just want to know if you ever thought of the how, that ask what i want to know. >> for me a lot of folks in the center, i being a woman, i didn't have rights after black people until women got the right to vote but because i feel like i'm a woman and i marginalized in 1078 way, i don't protest my country. i don't see what he is protest. i would like to know exactly what he is protesting it, it is a very-- . >> trevor: how do you protest then. >> i don't protection i'm not a victim. >> trevor: i guess we can go back and forth on a lot of these issues it's an interesting place to be in because honestly, you have won, you know, like your side has won as you say. the liberal snowflakes are melting in the streets as they protest. and now i would like to know from your side, genuinely, as someone who has won, do you believe that donald trump will follow through on his promises? >> i will be a vocal opponent if he doesn't. i am not somebody that gets on the cheerleading
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bandwagon. if he does something i disagree with, i will discuss it. i did before i was a trump supporter. i was critical of trump. i was a marco rubio girl for a long time. and then i started to see that was going to you are be our nominee. i said it's him or hillary. a lot of americans were in that position. i got closer to the campaign and started seeing some of the thing he was saying and the affect he was having on people and things he was saying that were touching people. >> trevor: he was touching people. >> yeah, he was. >> trevor: he really was. >> hillary could use some of that every now and then, right, bill say little busy, bill is a little busy. >> trevor: i appreciate you going on the show. huai thank you so much for being here. >> thank you, trevor. >> trevor: is a conversation to continue having. you can find tomi's final thoughts on facebook.com/tomi lahren. tomi lahren, we' [cellphone ring] uh oh, should have put that phone on silent. luckily, jay chews trident to help clean and protect his teeth, so he can hide his guilt with a convincing grin. that's it jay, they'll never know. trident.
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range of strongbow hard cider.r to show off the award-winning oh i know about that award just like i know about your trophies. what trophies? the ones your mother wants you to get rid of because they are taking up too much space in the basement. gasp! you crossed the line, stewart! strongbow ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ >> that's our show for tonight, here it is, your moment of zen. >> president-elect donald trump is expected to announce more cabinet picks today as he continues to put together his administration. among them, stef everyone nuchkin as tre captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight, when the day resets and we announce a winner. alright. alright. bad news, brits.
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as of early next year, your government will be keeping track of literally everything you do online, so now's the time for all of those kinky searches for "big beautiful ben" and "what does brexit mean again?" the investigatory powers act allows u.k. intelligence agencies to access citizens' digital activity and will store everyone's browser history for a year. to us americans, this is a gross violation of privacy, but to the british, this is a gross violation of privacy. critics have dubbed the bill the "snoopers charter," because britain can't help but make horrible, dystopian things sound adorably quaint. this bill was made official now that the queen has given it her royal stamp of approval, which is still a thing for some reason. so, since her royal highness is cool with the government getting all up in our business, comedians, what might we find in her majesty's browser history? [laughing] >> two corgies, one cup. [laughing] >> chris: yes.
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[laughing] >> she loves corgies. chris: the internet nodes to make that. matt. >> what do i actually do? chris: yes, points. [ applause ] kr-fplt yes. >> how to kill kate middle ton like i killed princess daina. >> chris: okay. next up "steam park." did you know sometimes things from japan are weird? talk a second and process it. take this ad for a proposed amusement park that combines the tranquility of a day spa with the screaming nausea of roller coasters: ♪ [laughing]
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>> chris: yee-haw! hold on to your hats and genitals! why wait for pigeons to give you legionnare's disease? the concept was proposed by the mayor of beppu city, and sure, there's public nudity, but you can tell it's completely desexualized because there aren't any tentacles. that's how you know in japan. comedians, what are some of the attractions at this proposed day spa theme park? tpha *t. >> the world's most unsanitary sushi bar. >> chris: points. again even. >genine.>> six flags over your d asshole. >> chris: next up. "mit happennens. once upon a time, mitt romney and his haircut tweeted this about president-elect and popular sunkist soda flavor donald trump: "hitting on married women? condoning assault? such vile degradations demean our wives and daughters and corrupt america's face to the world." but after a whirlwind bromance
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where the pair talked about the secretary of state job while dining on frogs legs and bald eagle wings, romney said this: >> i have had a wonderful evening with president elect trump. by the way it's not easy to win. i know that myself. he did something i tried to do and was unsuccessful accomplishing. he won the general election. >> chris: huh. what a cuck. i'm impressed you couldn't see trump's lips moving. i lost because it's official mrn than me. i'm a big baby who goes poopy in my diaper. what do you want from me. i'm not big enough to grab a lady in the bathing suit area drunk on calv on caffeine. what else will he had to admit to join trump's cabinet?
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jenine. >> he has to reveal the mormon who styles his wigs and burkas. >> chris: yes. >> he will have to say, my carefully cultivated image as an elder states man of the gop. a tinsel thing veneer i was willing to shove up my own asshole in order to get a job with the mab i swor man i swore. >> chris: yes. paraphrasing there. points, points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: next u up swag hag. single stuff for those with the address. great things for single ladies to send themselves. organic bath and beauty products and other exciting prizes for as
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little as $24.99 a move, plus your dig tpheult. this is so pandery. i am curious. what's the maley give lent? guys like to be typicallized too. what is dumb crap you would find in a guy's monthly box. >> a hole so you can [beep] the box. >> chris: that's all we need. [cheers and applause] >> chris: matt. >> dick tampons. [laughing] >> how do they work? >> it's actually my original -- this is shark tank, right. >> chris: this is shark tank. >> chris: that's the end of
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"rapid refresh." let's check the scoreboards. with four hundred points it's michael ian black. [cheers and applause] >> chris: with 400 points her new hour special "if i may" is streaming now on seeso, it's janeane garofalo. [cheers and applause] >> chris: i have been friends with janeane since 1991. it wasn't allowed before so many of you were born. i'm so proud you don't have any social media whatsoever. >> i don't use a computer. i know you don't believe me. people just don't believe. that they believe in deities and extraterrestrials but they don't believe people don't use a computer. >> chris: with 400 points it's co-host of the "sorry i've been so busy" podcast, available on itunes, it's matt goldich. [cheers and applause] p-rbg
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>> chris: and now it's time for tonight's "hastag wars." >> chris: you know what hashtag are right? >> a tick tack billboard. chris: no. >> a pound sign. chris: no. >> tick tack toe. chris: no. >> pound sign. twitter was aflame yesterday when "hamilton" creator lin-manuel miranda and fantasy-creator the rock teamed up to produce a 14-minute short about twentysomethings and their gosh-darn social media obsession, in a musical version of "get off my lawn!" the story is about a girl who loses her phone, but finds love, and also she probably has h.p.v. take a look. ♪ ♪ >> oh, god. [laughing] >> chris: it's so true.
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[laughing] so in honor of "millennials: the musical," we're following suit with tonight's hashtag. #millennialmusicals. examples: "phantom of the whole foods" and "beauty and the bae." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, starting now! michael. >> jesus christ vine star. chris: points. janeane. >> wicked khr wicked clamitia. >> the rocky horror original. >> the music major. >> oklahoma where the dumb dumbs voted for trump. >> chris: points. matt. >> the contents producers. chris: yes, points. mike. >> willy wonka and the gluten fro dessert factory. >> chris: points. >> tinder on the roof. chris: yes, points. matt. >> glee. chris: yes. michael. >> bye bye, bernie. chris: points. >> yes, very old. [laughing]
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[ applause ] >> chris: that's the end of "hashtag wars." send us your #millennialmusicals and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight. our tweet-of-the-day from last night's "hashtag war" was sent to us by @baronmarx. well done! hi, i'm paul. i used to be with verizon, but i switched to sprint. me too! and me. when will you? can you hear that? (vo) don't let a 1% difference cost you twice as much. happy holidays to you and your family. for people with hearing loss, switch to sprint today. visit sprintrelay.com we're not in a rush to be most popular. not in a rush not to be. real bourbon. no apologies. ah, thank you. wild turkey®. it'll find you. or one really hungry person.ree menu is perfect for two people. buy one meal from our buy one get one free menu and get a second absolutely free. only at applebee's.
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play "keep your knits about you." "keep your knits about you" good news for all you wool freaks: this game is all about sweaters. we're featuring selections from the tumblr "wit knits," an amazing collection of photos from a 1986 british sweater book where all the models look like the hosts of a dark children's show that teaches you how to make crafts from human flesh. i'm going to show you a be-sweatered '80s brit, and for. 250 points, you're going to tell me what they have the perfect look for. first up, this v-necker. what is that -- god damn this looks like a [beep] hipster now. mike. >> that is the perfect look for a youth pastor who is definitely not a pedophile.
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>> chris: points. points. matt. >> putting tadpoles up your butt. >> chris: points. points. >> huh. [laughing] >> chris: trying to figure out -- too much information. i started wondering how would you do that. a funnel, one at a time. >> no they wiggle and they're wet already. >> chris: just back in there. [laughing] >> chris: alright. next up, this piano man. matt. >> killing and eating billy joel. >> chris: perfect. the red covers the blood splatter. >> a beating on elton john's lawn. >> chris: points. michael ian black. >> i'm going with the over 40s guys only josh groben fan club.
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>> ahhh. chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: next one this high-energy gal! what is this? >> doing cokey jazzercize. >> the only way to do it. jim: janeane. >> a beating at ye old comic con. [laughing] >> chris: matt. >> making white people feel cooler. [laughing] >> chris: points. >> we need it. next up, here is a couple's look. how about that. janeane. >> a beating on a train. chris: yes, points. matt. >> -- orgy. chris: yes. points. >> chris: michael ian black. >> a whimsical murder/suicide.
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>> what the butler saw. chris: next up this luxurious man. a fine that few afford. michael ian black. >> assassinating kenny loggins. chris: janeane. >> a beating by siegfried and roy. >> chris: points. finally this fun family. what's the look for. >> making the kid you kidnapped look like part of your family. >> oh, ya. [ applause ] >> chris: that's the end of "keep your knits about you." it's time for our live challenge "pawn stars." >> chris: as you know things have changed since i grew up. nerd culture is a rich culture with sword collectors and trekies.
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one breed goes overlooked. the chess fanatic. guys, i still have my junior high memphis city chess champion trophy in my room at home. [ applause ] >> chris: i know. [ applause ] >> do you use the opening you used? >> chris: when i'm white i play e2e4. >> slower. [laughing] well, poindexters, get ready o nut: the world chess championship is happening today in new york city! in one corner, hailing from crimea, sergey "the panty dryer" karjakin! [ applause ] in the other, from norway, magnus "restraining order" carlsen!
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[ applause ] >> chris: by the way how thirsty do they think these guys are going to get during this match? reportedly, one billion people will be following the event, including chess enthusiast vladimir putin, who plans to have the loser killed via radiation poisoning. comedians, i want you to give me an in-arena announcement to get the crowd amped for this chess championship. we'll get your answers after the break, and be right back with more @midnight! [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, i told you about the world chess champion ship. we just got a update. spoiler alert, the show is not [beep] live. we started earlier in the day. we didn't know who won. i know you want to know. mag us in carlsen did win. [ applause ] >> chris: no, please, you're way out of control on this one. i actually -- that's a big deal. the kid is unstoppable. i asked you give me an in-arena announcement to get the crowd hyped for this chess match. let's see what you wrote. janeane. >> ladies and gentlemen, if you have not seen certain -- you should it's very good. from 1993 -- very, very good. >> chris: yes. that will whip them up into a
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frenzy. matt >> the winner of today's match will receive a description of what boobs feel like. [cheers and applause] >> chris: now i think with that, i'm a chess player. i have a wife. i get to touch her boobs a lot. sometimes. michael ian black. >> let's get ready to play a board game! [cheers and applause] >> chris: alright a thousand points to michael black. 500 to matt and januaryane. [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's time for: "better book titles." today is the last day of "national novel writing month," also called "nanowrimo" or "month of complete self delusion." and while every year, thousands -- i tried to do it a couple years in a row. i got today three. had nothing.
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thousands of aspiring artists cram into coffee shops determined to write the next great american novel, "but, like, with vampires," most people never finish anything, because spoiler alert: writing is hard. so instead of writing a whole book, we're taking a page from better book titles and sticking to just the names. i'm going to show you a classic novel and i want you to tell me a better title for it. first up, to kill a mocking bird. >> the book before she got dementia and her caretaker abused her. >> chris: points. >> ahhh. chris: you know something guys, if you're not comfortable about that mab you should of done something to stop it. sorry about that, mike. >> no, i'm sorry for them. chris: next up the hunger games. >> trumps america the prequill. [cheers and applause] [laughing] >> chris: listen maybe i would be in your favor, okay.
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unbelievable. next up "chicken soup for the teenage soul." >> duhhh. [laughing] [cheers and applause] [laughing] >> chris: amazing. last one "game of thrones." matt. >> nerds are our coming. chris: yes, points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: that's the end of "better book titles." i see janeine you're in third place. we must eliminate you from the program. any last words? >> yes michael ian black is ahraof and doesn't like you. but he's a very nice gentleman. it's off pudding. off pudding. that's all i wanted to say. all i wanted to say. >> chris: red light. [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: i 0 adori adore you, januaryine. that means it's time to slow things down and snapper in the -- they can see you between the the -- the national geographic just got graphic as ( bleep ) when photographer paul rose stumbled on a giant tortoise hitting it from the leatherback. i know what you're thinking that's hot. how do we make it hotter? jack, music. ♪ ♪ [laughing] >> chris: slow motion by juvenile. the only song to get that cold blood running hot. juvenile is the musical equivalent for a hea

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