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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  January 10, 2017 2:07am-2:36am PST

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>> trevor: that's our show for tonight! thank for tuning in! next coming up @midnight. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> back to our experiment here, it's not easy pulling off this piece of meat here, roast beef. it's very hard. it's a lesson learned here. ( laughter ) don't -- don't -- always wear comedy central [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight when today's hot takes become cold and tomorrow's outrage is just a twinkle in a troll's eye. alright. happy anniversary to the iphone! yeah! [cheers and applause] >> chris: there it is. i love you so much. love you so much.
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[laughing] >> chris: no, it's very important. don't neglect the port. do not neglect the port. ten years ago today the revolutionary smart phone and thumb-grease receptacle was introduced at the dianetics seminar for geeks, macworld. take a look. >> it's an ipod, it's a phone, a internet communicator. it's an ipod, it's a phone, is a 3.5-inch porno machine for masturbating in the bathroom at work. you see where we're going with this. i went to the macworld keynote speeches. i object credible. everyone who saw it knew the iphone would be an instant classic. except for the genius who owns the clippers. take a look. there's no chance that the iphone is going to get any significant market share. steve ballmer, 2007. comedians, besides a headphone jack, what would you get the
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iphone for its anniversary? >> i would get it one of those edible arrangements. the iphone can't eat it. but -- but the little kids who live in the dorms in china and make the iphones they would love to have food. >> chris: points for that. jan. >> maybe, maybe the factory that makes the iphones will finally get a fire escape. >> chris: okay, points. thomas. >> anal. chris: points. ya, it's a birthday. >> that's what i was going for. that's what i was going for. >> i didn't know that was even in the game. i didn't -- i didn't know it was on the men aou. >> anal is always in the game. chris: next up.
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hidden fences. the golden globes were last night, and the stars were out in force for hollywood's fifth or sixth biggest awards show that allows speeches not just awards. to recap: casey affleck appeared to have been bitten by a radioactive rabbi. and "la la land" won big despite being a musical about living in l.a. that doesn't include a song in your heart and a dance in your step and you're two of the most attractive people on the planet. now, in case you didn't know, "hidden figures" and "fences" are two different movies featuring african american leads that both received multiple nominations. but don't tell that to red carpet reporter jenna bush apparently had trouble telling them apart while interviewing pharrell. [laughing] >> chris: i mean -- i meane meal
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is not even angry. you just lear him deflate. the only thing this was missing was the curb your enthuse yam muse i am theme. -- e enthusiasm music theme. i know this looks bad. maybe "hidden fences" is a real movie. comedians, give us the tag line for "hidden fences." >> will stevie wonder be able to get his lawn moor business off the ground and avoid the obstacles in suburbia. tune into lifetime original movie, hidden fences. >> chris: i think you just stole the show, dab. points to that. >> i have not seen "hidden
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fences." i know you have just have to say it's very important. >> chris: very important. yes. [laughing] >> chris: next: three kings. these three heroes are the stars of a wonderful viral video. no, it's not the disney channel's first crack at a porno, it's a local car commercial gone so horribly wrong, it just feels so horribly right. what is the delightful (/ bleep) up in this video? a: the man freaks out at the camera guy; b: the bear continuously falls on the ice; c: the gopher chugs a bottle of tequila and fills his head with puke. dan. >> uhhh, the bear continues to fall on the ice. b, final answer. >> chris: final answer. you don't want to phone anyone? >> no. hold on. >> chris: that is the correct answer, dan. take a look. >> i wore the wrong size.
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[laughing] [laughing] >> chris: i know. the polar bear can't handle the ice. the gopher is fine. probably not the first time that guy has seen a bear ob his stomach. don't worry about it. don't worry about it. it could mean anything. >> do i win a mitsubishi forgetting it right? i would rather have a gopher head full of barf. >> chris: we can arrange that. next: how a playbill becomes a playlaw. bernie sanders is coming to broadway! no, not in tony and tina's wedding, although he's always amazing as tina. "feel the bern, a musical of the people, by the people and for the people" just opened in burlington, vermont, the place where they grow all those coat
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factories. the musical takes place in 2132 when sanders returns to earth as some sort of jewish socialist santa claus-- same thing, really, to deliver the gift of socialism to the boys and girls. unfortunately, "feel the bern" has already closed. >> wait, wait, wait. [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: comedians, since one can't get tickets to hamilton for the next three hundred years, what are some other political plays one might see? >> donald and the angry inch. chris: good. that is the end of rapid refresh. let's look at scoreboards and
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meet our kphaoed jabs. dan is here with 300 points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: with 300 points it's betsy. [cheers and applause] >> chris: and with 300 points it's thomas! [cheers and applause] >> chris: and now it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars. last night, a whopping seven golden globes were handed to "la la land." the film harkens back to a magical version of los angeles, where you can dance in a park at night without seeing someone jerk off in a bush right before you get shot.
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so, in honor of hollywood's nostalgia trip, tonight's i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock. starting now! >> gengaskahn air. >> assassination of the arts duke of hazards. >> there is something about mary todd lincoln. >> gone with the playing. chris: betsy. >> there is nothing to cape fear but cape fear itself. >> chris: yes, very good. points. dan. >> ask not what your country can do for you, ask who framed roger rabbit. >> chris: points. tommy. >> big trouble, little china syndrome. >> chris: points. >> -- the santa claus two. chris: points. >> selma and louise. chris: ahhh that is -- - points. betsy. >> dudes, where is my lindberg
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baby. >> chris: that's the end of #hashtag wars. send us your #addhistoryimproveamovie and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight. our tweet-of-the-day from our last hashtag war was sent to us by @kauffeemann. it's good. yes, done chili's has always had great deals. now, 3 courses for just ten bucks. choose from entrees like ribs, burgers, fajitas, and new house-smoked chicken.
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then get a house salad and a mini-molten cake. all for just ten bucks. chili's. chilin' since '75. all for just ten bucks. every night is opening night. when you run your own restaurant,
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coors light. whatever your mountain, climb on. m&m's® milk chocolate melts not in your hand.h,ever your mountain, climb on. ♪ and it feels so good ♪ ♪ oh yeah ♪ and it feels so good ♪ [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. your cure for the toxic words around you. watch our show and forget what is going on everywhere. it's time to play how-tube. how-tube. [cheers and applause] we're guessing if you're watching this show you're desperately in need of some marketable skills. the good news for you is that youtube is stuffed with low-budget instructional videos that will definitely not give your life meaning. >> chris: i will show i useful how-to videos. answer a simple question for 25.
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>> chris: next, here's a great way to take your pool game to the next level. >> interesting shot. chris: no, no, no. >> and there is the shot. chris: my god. that poor dog must of been, did i get neutered five times. what the [beep] just happened! comedians, what other tricks does this guy do? >> he has made two of his ex wives disappear. >> chris: points. >> what the hell, you guys. [laughing] >> chris: tommy. >> shazam. all of the peanut butter is off of his balls. [laughing] >> chris: next up tips on self care for murder she wrote -- >> i think femininity and
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sexuality go hand and hand. it use to think women lose interest in sex after menopause. now we know that just isn't true. >> chris: oh, my tkwo *d. god. murder that pussy she wrote. [cheers and applause] >> chris: comedians, since we know older women are sexual beings what is a pick up line for ms. landsbury a taourt. >> you want to come back to my place. i hear they're running a marathon of squirter she wrote. [laughing] >> chris: betsy. >> okay. i'm going to use the pick up line, like it's her pick up line. in my mind she says this to sean connery.
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she always says, i have a worthers original up my bung. find it with your tongue. and then he says in his zapper way, i bet you do. >> chris: points. alright. tommy. >> make it good. >> wanna [beep] >> i said to do you want to [beep] >> chris: finally a fun group that wants to teach you about
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country line dancing. let's moat the gang. >> hi i'm diane. welcome to big band country line dancing. you heard me big band country line dancing. [laughing] >> hi i'm dick. at line dancing you meet all kinds of interesting people. >> i'm dave what i like best about line dancing is flirting. >> chris: comedians, what's something you think dave whispers in your ear while he's dancing with you? tommy. >> you can't spell murder suicide without u and i. >> chris: that's amazing. points there. >> hi i'm dave, i'm parked out back. could you tell me if my trunk
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smells weird. [laughing] >> shut up in there. >> chris: that's the end of how-tube. it's time for our live challenge doing lines. we introduced to you the die tphrapl i can gang of country line dabsing. i think they could use updating, since they're all dead now. comedians make your own intro. it's fine we all do it. calm council. you didn't know them. let's all be friends. i would like you to make your own intro for big band country line dancing. we will get your answers after the break. we will be back with more "@midnight." ♪ some mountains you climb. others you knock down. coors light.
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whatever your mountain, climb on.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break i showed you some swinging seniors in a vintage country line dancing video and asked you to create your own little bio. let's see what you done did. >> hi i'm clay menopause. would i love to par advertise pace in line dancing but i can't. i lost a leg to a rattlesnake fight. i like to come and watch. nothing in the rules says a guy can't come and watch, jack off in the kosher, cry a little, cry in his sleep why his wife left him. >> hi i'm deby. you want to take your dancing game to the next level you should try some homemade mess. i make it in my toolshed. you better not be a cop. you better not be a cop, okay.
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i will stab you with a screw driver i keep in my bra. [cheers and applause] >> chris: hi, i'm gary beausy, i like line dancing if i sit still for too long the demon brain rushes to my brain and the pain is insufferable. [cheers and applause] >> chris: fantastic. a thousand points for betsy for her breaking bad reference. 500 points to tommy and dan. it's time for playing god. playing god. every day the internet lets us know about some made up holiday that we didn't know existed.
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we apparently have to pay attention to. like, yesterday was probably curse out your stepdad at work day, and tomorrow is world diarrhea day. get in on that [beep]. but today is play god day! if you could actually play god for a day what are thing you would do. 60 seconds begin. betsy. >> i would do a wine tasting with jesus, my son. i would just have to bring water. >> chris: points. tommy. >> cancel gilmore girls again. hris: points. a horrible waste of power. you could cure anything. >> but save the word. chris: points. dan. >> create adam and steve to shut my [beep] uncle up. >> chris: okay dan. >> make diarrhea a lot louder and a funnier color. [laughing]
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>> chris: betsy. >> i would have to have the seventh day and just rest. >> chris: points. dan. >> add new states to america so florida looks like it has some balls. >> chris: yes. add some. points. tommy. >> mary a gay couple in front of the westboro baptist church. >> i would make weed smell like cinabuns. >> chris: points. that's playing right to the brain stem of our audience. >> chris: that's the end of playing god. tommy, you're in third place. we must eliminate you. red light. >> chris: that means it's time to thank todd. it's for the win! a mysterious sign outside "the hideaway piano bar" in st. louis you know the one, has caused lots of speculation ever since this photo of it was
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posted last week by redditor moramarc: lightsaber night has been cancelled. thanks a lot todd. [laughing] now, there's a lot of ways to interpret this. maybe they're two unrelated statements. >> chris: i like to assume todd screws things up for the if i dos at the bar. and this is -- i would like you to make a new sign for todd. the bone head hideaway [beep] up. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnigh they say hard work takes sweat. but if old spice sweat defense helps keep me feeling dry, how will they know i worked hard? i've gotta make stuff harder. push my body to its limits. ♪
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take on more than is expected of me. ♪ always be struggling. there, that's the perfect amount of hard. ♪
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how do they make starburst taste so juicy? they use wicked small fighter jets to shoot the juiciness into every starburst. [ pilot ] it's about to get juicy. whoo! i feel so aliii... it takes guts. [ female announcer ] starburst. unexplainably juicy. tiki barber running hambone!a barber shop?t hut! yes!!! surprising. yes!!! what's not surprising? how much money david saved by switching to geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. who's next? >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. i am going to wipe your scores clean because it all comes down to this. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. before the break i showed you this sign outside "the hideaway bar" in st. louis that reads "lightsaber night is canceled. thanks a lot todd." and i asked you to give me
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another passive aggressive message for todd for something else. let's see what you came up with. first one,, alright, be todd. thanks a lot, speeding garbage truck. [cheers and applause] >> chris: or number two,, lightsabber night is back on so go [beep] yourself, todd. number two is the winner. who number two? betsy! you won the internet. you are the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours! we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be katie o'brien, flula borg and ify nwadiwe. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #addhistoryimproveamovie and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. be nice to each other. goodnight!

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