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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  January 23, 2017 11:31pm-12:02am PST

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i believe in me too. ♪ i am the unicorn of your confidence ♪ ♪ ♪ so tasty. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. thanks for tuning in. here it is, your moment of zen. >> a lot of talk by the trump team of a alternative
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight, but you don't have to take my word for it! friday we saw the inauguration of donald trump, the president -- while his inauguration was lightly attended compared to obama's, this saturday's massive women's march took place on all seven continents and the underwater kingdom of atlantis. some experts are saying it had five million people. i was in san francisco for it an incredible event. i was moved by the sense of community and the joy of the people coming together for something they believed. it was lovely in san francisco. social media went crazy for the creative protest signs like:
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[laughing] >> great sign. chris: or this one: "ovaries before brovaries." [cheers and applause] >> chris: or this very british sign from a march in the u.k. "i'm really quite cross about this." [ applause ] >> chris: i'm sure the other side "donald trump is a [beep]." they say those things over there. by far the greatest legend is wok e-bay bee. [cheers and applause] usually babies are very cranky when they're woke. but not this one. >> chris: if you can't see the profound message take a closer look. >> i haven't even an emoji like
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that. >> chris: the baby's brain firing. >> angry. chris: he is. woke's baby intellect is ahead of her motor skills. what do you think she was trying to say? >> we're here, we're wet. deal with it. >> chris: points. jade. >> thank you for having me, while abortion is still legal. thank you, so much. [laughing] >> chris: what does that have to do with -- >> it's exciting. chris: you have to be somewhere after the show. get them quick, now is the time. get them. >> tkpwepbder is a social construct. also i got fresh poopy on my pants. [cheers and applause] >> chris: alright. kevin nealon. >> thank you for having me too. no particular reason. >> chris: no listen -- >> this line says, my hands are the same size as trump's. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: next up episode 8. if you're tired of fearing the upcoming nuclear winter, here's something to make you look forward to the actual winter: the title of the next star wars movie was announced today and it's going to be "episode 8: the legend of chewis gode ." [ applause ] >> chris: i wish. my god. that would be [beep] amazing. it's actually called "the last jedi." it'll tell the story of a talented young girl traveling to a strange land to learn about the powerful ways of hip-hop dancing. oh, sorry producer jack, says that's not the last jedi. that's actually "save the last dance." [cheers and applause] >> chris: you know, pretty much the same movie, though. the whole time you're just like, "when is she gonna fall in love with the black guy!?" [laughing] >> chris: the movie.
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comedians, given that we now know the title of "the last jedi," what's a spoiler from this upcoming star wars movie? jade. >> they bring an a nicole smith back cgi. [laughing] >> chris: one time, that would be amazing. kevin nealon. >> the spoiler, chris, there are three and a half more jeti. it's not the last one. this is a mini me. >> chris: they don't want to spies. that rich. >> spoiler alert, it's going to make a [beep] ton of money. >> chris: a [beep] ton. close to a billion. next we got spicin' things up. the new white house press secretary slash guy who looks like he owns a boat and never shuts up about his boat, sean spicer. alright. he has throne down some
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thrown down some harsh words on twitter. comedians, who does sean spicer have beef with? what a great way to [beep] people on jeopardy. boom. [ applause ] >> chris: god someone needs to do that on jeopardy, please. who does sean spicer have a beef with: a. dippin' dots for not being the ice cream of the future b. mariah carey for ruining new c. actual beef because he loves chicken. rich eisen. >> it's a, chris. he's an asshole. >> chris: okay. which -- [ applause ] >> chris: correct answer is a, dipping dots. >> five years. chris: tweeting about it since 2010. four times.
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most recently he said: "if dippin dots was truly the ice cream of the future they would not have run out of vanilla." so he's cc'ing the nationals so they'll get involved? first of all, of course the only flavor he wanted was vanilla. next, super coat quarterback. the n.f.l.'s house of slytherin, the new england patriots, are heading to the super bowl, after - shal i only get one reference. it's not the sports one. prefer after a big game from tom brady and his zoot suit. there he is. twitter was abuzz trying to figure what was going on in there. all i can think of is, keep pushings will brady. what does he have under the enormous jacket? >> a defleeted bouncy house for the victory party. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> good answer.
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chris: he's actually trying to maintain modesty while he breast tpaoesdz grunk. >> chris: points. gronk is like football shrek, right? >> yes. what is that. he has a couple of ten year olds that want to sneak into an r rated movie. [laughing] >> chris: alright. points. >> good answer. chris: what this is? >> i have no earthly idea i have been following football intently for quite some time. i have never seen a thing like that. >> chris: this looks like a jacket for the casual hulk. you know what i mean. you get angry. i turn into the hulk sometimes and i'm prepared. it's raining. [laughing] let's check the scoreboards.
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host of "the rich eisen show," daily on directv's audience network & premiere radio network, it's rich eisen. [cheers and applause] >> chris: with 300 points. guest starring on "modern family" february 8th on abc, it's jade catta-preta. [cheers and applause] >> chris: and with 300 points from "man with a plan," mondays on cbs, it's kevin nealon. [cheers and applause] and now it's time for tonights #hashtagwars. you can't separate sex and sports. whether it's quarterbacks and centers, the never-ending foreplay of soccer, bend it like beckham! or this three way at the three point line, sports are hot and that's why guys watch sports.
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so tonight's hashtag is #sexysports. examples: "the oakland t&a's" and "track and feel you up." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, begin. rich. >> the stanley d cup. chris: points. jade. >> touchdown no lower, lower. chris: good. kevin. >> the new york giant penises. chris: rich. >> oral hershiser. >> esp on me. chris: points. kevin. >> able hershiser. chris: wow. only on your birthday. kevin. >> shooting some poops. >> and he fades. he used a condom. >> chris: kevin nealon. >> greg lubeanus. chris: there you go. [cheers and applause] >> chris: send us your #sexysports and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more
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add midnight at 11:30. our tweet-of-the-day from our last hashtag war was sent to us by @spencedbyus. um, i can't have happen what happened last time... (♪) ahem... here's my card. i'm sure you know your profits are down 8%. so, just let me know if you want to change that. ♪ i believe in you! break through!, break through!
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play russian to the hospital. [cheers and applause] >> chris: oh. thank you for your delayed yet sincere response. winston churchill once described russia as "a mystery wrapped in a riddle and shoved inside a drunk wrestling a bear with his shirt off for cigarettes." and then he passed out at the bar. "okay, mr. churchill, time to get you home." and then churchill said "no, it's time to get you home." then the bartender said "you're cut off, mr. churchill," and
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churchill said "no, you're cut off!" anyhow, russia is a dangerous place. comedians, i'm going to show you some beautifully-designed russian workplace safety posters we found on and i want you to tell me what they're warning you about. first up, this guy. what's this poster warning us about? >> warning, i lost both of my legs and that's my dick. >> chris: okay. points. kevin nealon. >> i don't care what they tell you, -p don't take this job. [laughing] >> chris: points. >> chris: next, this mishap. what's it trying to tell us? jade. >> you have to cover your teeth when you blow a drill. >> chris: points. yes. kevin. >> stop laughing and get the scissors. [laughing] >> chris: points.
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rich. >> help, in danger! [cheers and applause] >> chris: next one, this unfortunate lass. oh, i'm glad, by the way i want to -- i'm glad you were sensitive to this fake person. >> no. chris: my god that drawing is getting sucked in by the old timey tractor. i hope in the next panel they draw her okay. >> give her some shoes. [cheers and applause] >> chris: this is russia. this is actually 2017. rich. >> that dress does actually make your ass look big. >> chris: points. kevin. >> don't wear those clothes if you don't want farm equipment to get the wrong idea. [laughing] >> most revealing outfit ever.
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>> very sexy to me. chris: next up -- >> i'm talk about the tract i remember. >> chris: very sexy tractor. next up this shovel fight. what's that, jade. >> beware, blind people love shovels here. >> chris: points. rich eisen. >> next on a all new episode of "rush ya has at tharussia has t. " >> chris: next, this jug-bearing gentleman. >> don't get high on your own supply. >> chris: kevin. >> jugs look sexy on the back too. >> chris: points. >> chris: it's time for our live challenge, weed the people. weed the people. [cheers and applause] of the many events in d.c. over the weekend, only one handed out more than 8,000 free marijuana
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cigarettes, and no, it wasn't book club at woody harrelson's place. it was a rally to legalize pot! organizers said they want to show the trump administration they won't turn back the clock on the weed laws even if they will forget to set their alarm clocks and be late for work at sunglass hut again. there were a number of speakers at the event, but this man was perhaps the most eloquent. >> i -- it's about freedom. it's about the cannabis plant. we want freedom for this plant. it's necessary to be out here demonstrating. all day in costume. i'm in it for the long hall. [ applause ] [beep] >> like his mouth wasn't even moving, man. >> i have seen pot that is talking to me before. >.>> chris: if a dude in a pot leaf costume who sounds like a minor character on pawn stars can't convince the trump to legalize marijuana, i don't know
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what will. these rallies always have fun chants and (/ bleep/ ). during the break, i'd like you to give me a rallying cry you might hear at a pot legalization rally. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight! [cheers and applause] ♪ i checked, everything's there... wait a minute... hey... hold on, i can explain. you better have a good answer... switch to geico and you could save a ton of money on your car insurance. why didn't you say so in the first place? i thought you's was wearing a wire. haha, what? why would i wear a wire? geico.
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[ applause ] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, i showed you a politically active pot leaf building support for the cause and i asked you to give me a chant you might hear at a pot legalization rally. jade, let's start with you. >> alright puff puff pass, not all pot heads are idiots, okay. change the stereotypes. also who has salt and vinegar chips. >> chris: alright. richard ease en i. >> why, yes i'm scott, lead
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singer of creed. [laughing] >> chris: kevin. >> what do we want. legalize weed. when do we want it? you know tomorrow sometime would be cool. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: a thousand points to kevin nealon. 500 to rich and jade. >> thank you. >> chris: it's time for that's fact up. "that's fact up." kellyanne conway, seen here leaving the american girl doll store after a lightning strike brought her to life, sent the whole internet into a tailspin when she said white house press secretary sean spicer's claim the inauguration, was not a lie, but an "alternative fact." listen, i'm only 19, but i'm still old enough to remember when "alternative facts" were called lies. even the merriam-webster dictionary told conway to look it up. here it is. a piece of information of
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objective reality. oh, damn. [cheers and applause] >> chris: that's rough when you get your ass handed to you by a dictionary. comedians, i want you to give me as many alternative facts as you can. i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, starting now. rich. >> two plus two equals friends. chris: kevin ihitler was a black woman. [laughing] >> chris: points. jade. >> tupac is alive and we're dating. >> blaine johnson is a stage name. the rock is his real name. >> i can't imagine this diarrhea came from the cheesecake factory. [cheers and applause] >> chris: jade. >> trump had his hands surgically reduced to make his hands look bigger. keufplt kevin nealon. >> i'm the host of this show. >> that's amazing. >> it's over.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: i swear to god i would watch this show if that was true. >> i ski i took the lead. chris: you did. [beep], [beep] >> chris: jade, i'm sorry, you're in third place. [cheers and applause] >> i guess i skip my abortion now. [laughing] >> chris: red light. so sorry. so sorry. [laughing] >> chris: that means it's time to renew your subscription, it's for the win! over the weekend redditor "fuess37" turned us on to choices magazine, the hip new publication that teaches teens all about social media! it's a print mag see for teens about the internet. that's making as much sense as a
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podcast for the aufp ish called shed talks -- amish called shed talks. [ applause ] >> chris: the letters are lit by candle light. stick around for tomorrow's shun talks. the choices cover story says "i am 15 years old. bald adults think i use my phone just for selfies and video games. really i'm making friends all races and kind around the globe and even making cash bags. watch the me rocket, god damn it. so comedians, i'd like you to respond to this cover story with an emoji cluttered letter to the editor of your own. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. we come back on @midnight. [cheers and applause]
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