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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  April 8, 2019 11:00pm-11:36pm PDT

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guys, get a broom. let's clean this up. grab a broom. you heard me. mush. news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody! i'm trevor noah! thank you so much for tuning in! thank you all for coming out! thank you! welcome to the show, everybody! let's get into it! let's do it! our guest tonight is an actor. he's in the new pbs miniseries
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of "les misérables." i'm the only late night host who can pronounce his name on the first try, david oyelowo is joining us, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) also on tonight's show, president trump fires his secretary of homeland security. vladimir putin might be screwing with your g.p.s. and the u.s. economy is totally in good hands. so let's catch you will on today today's headlines. first up, let's talk about joe biden, former vice president and registered hug-offender. last week, as more women complained about his weave diving habits, biden released a video assuring everyone he understands the problem. but after this weekend, not clear he does. >> former vice president joe biden in damage control after numerous women accused him of unwelcomed physical contact though not sexual. during the speech on friday, biden raised eyebrows by ad-lib ago joke about the controversy.
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>> i just want you to know, i had permission to hug lani. ( laughter ) >> and again seeming to make light of it after inviting children to the stage. >> by the way, he gave me permission to touch him. >> and later trying to explain. >> it wasn't my intent to make someone uncomfortable. i realize my responsibility is to not invade the space of anyone who's uncomfortable. >> trevor: he didn't even make it to the car before he had to explain himself again. he's, like, i know what you're going to say and i'm sorry. i've never seen anything like this in politics. i've seen people apologize and stop doing the thing. i've seen trump who never apologizes. but biden is the only politician who says he'll stop doing something while doing it. if joe biden was robbing a bank, he would be, like, this is completely inappropriate, i should been doing this. i understand. hand me a bag -- i've learned so much and will do better in the future. ( laughter ) i think joe biden doesn't get
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it, which is great news because guys who don't get it is one of the most powerful voting blocs in america. moving on, vlad, president of russia and hairless grizzly bear. according to a new report, putin's security team is apparently using a device that scrambles g.p.s. signals wherever he goes. a completely true story. researchers figured this out because they noticed, for example, when president putin was driving near the ocean, all the ships nearby, their g.p.s. systems suddenly told them they were on land 40 miles away. ( laughter ) it just scrambled g.p.s. in the cars nearby, waze started speaking in a russian accent -- (russian accent) next, drive into lake. recalculating. you would think scrambling the gbs around putin would throw people off.
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but once you know, all you have to do is look for the place where g.p.s. doesn't work and you know he's there. when my fit bit doesn't work, you know i'm in a cheesecake factory because i turned it off. news from south africa about a guy who did a circle of life challenge. >> a disturbing story out of south africa, a suspected poacher gets the ultimate payback by the wild. park authorities from krueger national park say a skull and this pair of pants was all that was left behind of a suspected poacher who was killed by an elephant and then eaten by lions. >> trevor: wow! killed by an elephant and then eaten by a lion. this story has all the jungle a-listers of a south african tarantino film. ( laughter ) i know a lot of people are celebrating the story because it feels like car marks but i feel had sad for the elephants. lions kill every day, but an elephant never forgets.
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he will be waking up in the middle of the night, i can still see his face, margaret! aaahhh! prrrr! ( laughter ) then after the elephant killed the poacher and the lions ate him, all they found was a skull and pants, which means somewhere out there is a lion with a new shirt. ( laughter ) all right, let's move on to today's top story. ( cheers and applause ) when trump came on to the political scene, there were a few things we knew about the man -- he was rich, he loved women, and his favorite catch phrase was this -- >> you're fired! you're fired, get out! >> trevor: yeah, that's him talking to wife number two. ( laughter ) and since trump took office, a record number of people have left the white house, which even for trump is pretty impressive. it's almost like he's leading the resistance by himself.
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everyone else is, like, we've got to get these people out of office! trump is, like, way ahead of you, folks! ( laughter ) today president trump continued his streak by firing the head of the secret service. plus, get this, to add insult to injure, it came out trump has secretly been calling this guy dumbo because of his giant ears. super gangster. this is the person protecting your life. seeked service has code names for the president, but this president has secret names for his sect service. and now here comes broken condom! ( laughter ) i like how that was a wave. that was nice. yeah. you guys got it first then you took it to the back. i like that. ( laughter ) but that wasn't even the most prominent firing of the past 24 hours because the news rocking the headlines has been this. >> overnight, homeland security
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secretary kirstjen nielsen forced out of the administration. tensions between nielsen and president trump have been simmering for months, but reached a boiling point after the president's furious response to the recent surge in migrant crossings at the southern border. hours after a face-to-face meeting with the president sunday, nielsen submitted her resignation. >> trevor: oh, well, look at that -- kirstjen nielsen, the woman responsible for trump's border enforcement has been deported out of the white house. boo-hoo, boo-hoo. ( laughter ) you know what makes it worse? not that she just lost this job, nielsen is leaving the white house with her reputation in tatters. remember, she was the face of the trump administration's family separation policy where kids were slipped from parents and kept in cages. basically the only job she can get now is working with r. kelly. ( audience reacts ) i don't know who you're booing, r. kelly or her. i don't know what that means.
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( laughter ) the crazy thing is even though people on the left consider her cruel and inhumane, president trump thought she was too soft. >> a person close to nielsen says she's been on thin ice with the administration, often clashing with president trump, who has accused her of not doing enough to stem the tied of undocumented immigrants. >> she was always in a tough position seen as too tough on immigration on capitol hill, not tough enough here at the white house. >> trevor: not tough enough? this white house is weird. how are you going to get rid of the kids in cages woman for being too nice? ( laughter ) that's like fire ago cat for not displaying its anus enough. i'm sorry, cat, we needed much more butt than that. ( laughter ) here's the thing, it was no secret to secretary nielsen trump wanted her to be tougher on migrants. he made it clear to her and everyone else within shouting distance. >> for months president trump has been opening berating
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secretary nielsen add cabinet meetings, push herring to take more and more drastic measures to stop the flow of migrants at the southern border. >> according to the "new york times," the president called nielsen at home early in the mornings demanding she take action to stop migrants from entering the country, including doing things clearly illegal, such as blocking all migrants from seeking asylum. >> trevor: wow! trump would call her early in the morning just to yell about the border? you know how horrible that must have been? think about it, we're all traumatized by trump's tweets at 5:00 a.m. now imagine if the tweets came into your bedroom every morning, you're, like, hey! caravans for breakfast! weak democrats love crime and by the kay, cofiefy. ( laughter ) that's right, trump wanted to block all migrants from claiming asylum which is against u.s. law. even though people said the
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united states needs to provide refugees to people fleeing poverty and crime, trump made it clear he doesn't believe their stories at all. >> the asylum program is a scam! some of the roughest people you've ever seen, people that look like they should be fighting for the u.f.c., give him asylum, he's afraid! he's afraid! we don't love the fact he has tattoos on his face, that's not a good sign -- ( laughter ) >> trevor: okay, i'll be honest, i get where trump is coming from. if i see someone with tattoos on their face, i get uncomfortable because i know they're going to try to sell me their mix tape. they will say it's free but look at me funny when i start walking away. i'm, like, should i have taken this? i've made a horrible mistake. ( laughter ) the point is trump is clearly ignoring the women and children claiming asylum. he's obsessed with the pictures
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of the guys who look to him like u.f.c. fighters. which is why he wants everyone in cages, thinks it's their natural has been at that. here's the thing about donald trump, to him it's all about how people look. if you look like a big, tough guy, you can't be an asylumseeker, in his mind. he wants people who look like he expects. which is why he gets excited when he meets someone in the real world that looks like a character from a movie. >> central casting, if i'm doing a movie i pick you, general mattis. >> this guy is, like, central dassing. you couldn't pick better guy in hollywood. no bert actor. you talk central casting, it's incredible. they had a master sergeant, i could take him now, bring him to hollywood and make a military movie and he's the star of the movie. that happened once before. central casting. you don't have anybody in hollywood that looks like these
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guys. got ten people standing behind him, everyone is central casting. central casting. glasses, hair, boom. i was the perfect person. i was, like, central casting. >> trevor: really? you were central casting? as president? i mean, as president in a shark n.a.t.o. movie. we've got to stop they sharks, folks! i get that. but it's really simple. this is a great lesson for the migrants, because it's not your story or your life president trump cares about, it's how you look. here's my advice, when you show up to the border. you need to look like the person trump wants to see in america. grab an oversized suit, get a long, red tie and throw a tumbleweed up there as a wig. yeah. ( laughter ) once trump sees a million hims trying to get into america, forget a wall, he's goin going o build a ramp straight into the u.s. it's me! let me in! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause )
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if you want to eat a burger, ofput it on a bar.. fresh, juicy beef smashed and smothered in cheese, just like the sports gods intended. the new all-american cheeseburger at buffalo wild wings. rooaaar! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." let's talk a little bit about the federal reserve. wake up! hey! wake up! ( laughter ) the federal reserve is a really important institution that sets interest rates and controls a big part of the economy. but most people pay as much attention to it as they do to their belly button hygiene, right? if you laughed at that, you've got to wash your belly button. what's inside those crevices?
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you don't want to know. ( laughter ) president trump nominated herman cain for app seat on the federal reserve. people aren't happy. >> is president trump trying to stack the federal reserve with loyalists and critics of the current fed leadership? >> in the past, it's not been what's lands you running the world's most central bank. >> he's a an academic. >> he's a proponent of the gold standard which is air cake. >> he does not understand pretty bakes economic policy issues. >> trevor: yes, seems like, once again, trump has nominated someone who seems wholly unqualified for the job. the question is how does he keep on doing this? everyone things he goes on angie's list and clicks the sort button. i start from the bottom -- ( laughter ) the gold standard is trump's interior decorating philosophy, why he likes it. but this is exciting news.
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trump has hired a black person into a high-profile position. sure, maybe he gave herman cain the job because he thought he was ben carson. but that's not the point. the point is there's a new face joining the world of trump. let's get to know the guy who will be controlling all our money in another installment of "profiles in tremendous mess." >> i have the most dedicated people. i have the best people. >> trevor: meet herman cain, businessman and tyler perry movie villain. he built his reputation as an executive to the burger king, pillsbury and even the c.e.o. of godfather's pizza, which is a weird name because you're selling an italian food using their worst stereo tine, like opening a soul food restaurant called always late. ( laughter ) what made herman cain was his
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2012 presidential campaign. >> herman cain's campaign is on fire thanks to his 999 economic plan, but economists say cane's plan would hit the lower class hard. >> hailed at a cam pan marketing tool. >> this 999 plan didn't come off a pizza box. 9% corporate, at that 9% personal tax and a 9% national sales tax. i have a free gift for everybody called 999. >999. >> trevor: 999 -- doesn't sound like a tax plan, sounds like he's selling discount waterbeds. i won't deny, it is catchy, but you can't create a tax plan off a catch phrase. doesn't inspire much confidence. in the same way i wouldn't trust a doctor who spoke in slogans. doctor, how we going to treat this tumor? cut it, gut it and toss it in a bucket! i'm going to get another opinion. joke's on you! you got obamacare, can't
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choose your own doctor! ( laughter ) but herman cain is also known for the other wacky shit he said while running for the highest office in the land. >> awe, shucky ducky, my kind of crowd! >> he wrote his code name given by the secret service should be cornbread. >> we've got plenty of experts, and a leader knows how to use these experts. we need a leader, not a reader. >> i'm ready for the gotcha point. they're already starting to come. when they ask me who's the president of you becky, becky banstan, i'm going to say, i don't know. do you know? >> trevor: people want to know if you're familiar with the other people you will be working with. you make it sound like a trap. are you familiar with word and excel? why don't you hire me, then
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we'll see! honestly, i can see why herman cain lost. he admitted he didn't know who the leader of uzbekistan was. trump would have created his own reality. trump would be, of course i know the president of uzbekistan, but i can't tell you for strategic reasons. but he's a good friend of mine and his wife is becky with the great hair, best hair. ( laughter ) in case you thought herman cain was joking, no, he really didn't know foreign policy. here's how he answered another question about whether he supported obama's actions in libya. >> libya -- ( laughter ) president obama -- supported --
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president obama called for the removal of gadhafi. i wanted to make sure we're talking about the same thing before i say yes i agree or no i don't agree. i do not agree with the way he handled it for the following reasons -- no, that's -- that's a different one. ( laughter ) got to go back. i've got a lot of stuff twirling around in my head. ( laughter ) specifically, what are you asking me did i agree or not disagree with you on? ( audience reacts ) >> trevor: i don't know what was happening there, but it seemed like the human version of when you need to take out a nintendo cartridge and blow on it, you know? ( laughter ) he is so bad hiding his thought process. i bet when he was a kid he would get busted all the time. herman, did you spill juice on the couch?
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he's, like, okay, there's juice on the couch and you want to know why. while i was out playing ball -- no, no, that's a different one. no, maybe it spilled itself. no, let me think. i've got to go back. mom, i've got one in my hair right now, mom. ( laughter ) so in many ways you can see why trump liked herman cain. he started out as a flashy businessman and built a presidential campaign on catch phrases and not much information. but their reel connection goes deeper than that. >> once that rising candidate in the polls now embattled former pizza executive herman cain suspended his campaign for president yesterday. >> he says he's out. the announcement on the heels of sexual harassment allegations. >> trevor: yep! just like trump. herman cain was accused of sexual harassment. but unlike trump, it took him down. i bet trump looks at cain and thinks, wow, that could have
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been me. so that's herman cain. and if his nomination goes through, the economy will be in the hands of a president who has bankrupted casinos and a pizza guy who wants to bring back the gold standard. but don't worry, folks, everything's going to be fine, fine, fine! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause )
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♪ therthen he tried tostitoshael scoops and salsa... and he started following them in real life. ♪ hey, mike. sup. oh! tostitos. get together already. [ phone ringing ] why are wake up!at work? stay awake when i call. am i being unreasonable? [ muttering under breath ] [ screaming ] you went to bed grown and then you woke up a child again. can you help me?! well yes i can. yes i could... ok stop it. i'm not following your instructions anymore. think you're the boss of me? ok see i've been looking at you like a little girl, but you a grown ass woman. who's the boss now?! yes!
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can openers. microwaves. there's no place for those here. those are the only guests that we do not welcome here at chipotle. oh. the question is... is fast enough? ♪ or, do you want speed and style? power and attraction? exhilaration and distinction? ♪ introducing performance, born of refinement. ♪ the lexus rc line. ♪ experience amazing at your lexus dealer. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome bab back to "the daily show." my guest is a golden globe nominated actor who executive produces and stars as javert in the upcoming pbs masterpiece mini-series, "les misérables." >> i could have been a criminal.
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i was born in prison. my parents were criminals. men like us have only two choices, to prey on society or guard it. you chose the former, i chose the latter, and i can tell you, if i had chosen to be a criminal, i would have been a hell of a lot better one than you turned out to be. 19 years for a loaf of bread. ( laughter ) you got 12 months left to serve. my guess, you will be back in here before another year's gone by. >> trevor: please welcome david oyelowo. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> thank you. >> trevor: welcome to the show. ( cheers and applause ) wow! >> that's very nice. >> trevor: are you kidding me? you're very nice.
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you're very nice for being here. i'm a huge fan of you in every siege role. you have the ability to transform yourself in every single role. you're truly an actor. >> thank you. >> trevor: some people act by you're an actor. >> i appreciate that. >> trevor: i'll will honest, i'm not a big fan of musicals. >> you're not alone. >> trevor: for me, i like it when musicals when they sing and then talk and sing. i don't like it when everything is -- ♪ let me walk with you -- i can't do that. this is different. a lot of people say, oh, "les misérables" -- this is different. >> it is different. >> trevor: this is gripping. >> it's an adaptation by andrew davies from victor hugo's original 1500 page novel. a lot of people don't realize that's what the musical was based on. >> trevor: right. >> he did an aaptation six hours from that. >> trevor: when you watch this series, one thing that struck me is whenever i watched pieces of
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"les misérables," it was, like, ah, this is happening whenever. >> right. >> trevor: this is strong but watching this series felt eerily like things that are happening today. >> absolutely. another focus of ours, you know, jean valjean, for instance, as played by dominic cease west, is in prison for 19 years for stealing a loaf of bread. you only have to look at the prison complex in america now, people from color, from deprived economic backgrounds being given disproportionate substances for crimes that don't warrant that level of sentence. it's indentured servitude, an extension of slavery, what was happening in the early 1800s in france. the gap between the haves and have nots widening from what we're seeing in the west, that's what was going on back there. so that's the only reason to do a show like this now is if it
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speaks to now. >> trevor: you work in australia, live in the u.s. >> yeah. >> trevor: and your father lives with you in los angeles. >> yeah. >> trevor: or does he come visit you quite a lot? >> no, no, he lives with us. >> trevor: right. >> and, yeah -- the reason i'm pausing is my dad -- when we lived in the u.k., we lived in houses or apartments that we didn't have a yard. l.a., as most people know, has a lot of space is that yeah. >> and my dad has become obsessed with leaf blowing. ( laughter ) >> trevor: are you being serious? >> i'm absolutely serious. so your nigerian dad is obsessed with leaf blowers. >> it's crazy. if you knew nigerians, you would know that was really weird. what am i going to go and do the gardening for? ( laughter ) but the problem is he never just does the constant vroooooooo mm.
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he's vroom! vroom! vroom! vroom! ( laughter ) so, for the hour that he's doing this -- >> trevor: oh, man! oh, man! this is like one leaf at a time. >> one leaf at a time, yeah. he's so happy when fall comes. ah-ha, the leaf! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: oh, man! well, you know what? if getting more work means you can buy more leaf blowers for your dad, i'm excited for both of you. thank you so much for being on the show. ( cheers and applause ) "les misérables" premiers april 14th at 9:00 p.m. on masterpiece on pbs. david oyelowo, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ low battery sound. do you want a charge? yeah battery charging. ♪
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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. thank you very much for tuning in. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> i've had the privilege of being chief of staff to herman cain. together, we can do this. we can take this country back. ♪ ♪ ♪ i am america ♪ united we stand [ cheers and applause ] hello, everyone. i know there's lots of you out there that don't like when i talk about guns, but the powers that be are making me. last night, hillary clinton came over with a bagful of cash like she always does. god bless her soul. and she told me i had to talk about guns. now, i don't agree with her opinions, but i'm a fraud. and a deal's a deal.


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