Skip to main content

tv   The Daily Show With Trevor Noah  Comedy Central  January 21, 2020 11:00pm-11:35pm PST

11:00 pm
>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody! thank you so much for tuning in! thank you for coming out! thank you so much! thank you so much! thank you so much! let's do this, people! take a seat! let's make a show! i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight san actor who stars in the new comedy central show "awkwafina is nora from queens," b.d. wong is joining us, everybody!
11:01 pm
( cheers and applause ) also on tonight's show it's hillary versus bernie all over again, a wrestling match gets violent, and mitch mcconnell is taking the senate to school. so let's catch up on today's headlines. let's kick things off with some good news from the airline industry, where one successful company is thanking its employees in the only way that counts, with cash. >> we're learning more about a mega bonus that employees at delta airlines are getting. the company was so profitable last year, is giving back $1.6 billion. the bonus equals about two months' extra pay for each employee. one reason the company had such a good year is it does not fly the boeing 377 max which has been grounded for months. >> trevor: that's right, delta crushed it this year mostly because they have planes that can land, which is apparently something customers prefer. and it's ironic because last
11:02 pm
year people were shitting on delta for not having the newest planes. the newest planes started crashing and now delta is in the lead. this is how your friend with a flip phone feels when the iphone gets hacked. yeah, who has the latest iphone now! if you want news now, you have to come to my mouse you i cloudy cloving ( bleep ). excuse me, i can't make a call so i have to text. hello! spirit airlines announced they will let their employees keep any gum they find under the arm rests! spirit airlines, our planes don't have trashcans, they are trashcans. ( laughter ) ( applause ) moving up to the world of sports. have you ever watched your team losing and wish you could jump in to help? that's exactly what this north carolina dad did. >> a north carolina man was arrested after getting too
11:03 pm
involved in their son's high school wrestling match. at one point the wrestler in the grey uniform picks up the wrestler in the black uniform, slams into the ground. the referee said the move was illegal, blew the whistle. moments later the other boy's dad knocked the wrestler to the ground. charged with assault and disorderly conduct. >> trevor: goddam! what was that father thinking? you can't just run in from the sidelines and beat up a teenager! your son has to tag you in first! come on! rules of wrestling! and if you think that's bad, you should have seen him at his daughter's ballet recital! that shit is insane! and i get the dad's anger, but you realize this thing could have gotten out of hand, right? because no one thinks about this, but what if the other wrestler's dad saw what happened and he jumped in, and what if the first dad's dad jumped in to help him, and the other dad's dad jumped in and lands on him.
11:04 pm
you have to think of these things. parents are competitive, yeah, if i brought my mom to the emmys and she sees me lose to john oliver, she'll rush the podium and tackle him to the ground. holy shit, i have been tackled by a woman from south africa. that's not south africa, that's south africa! speaking of surprise tackles, hillary clinton is back in the news and this time she's coming for bernie. >> this morning we are hearing for the first time explosive comments from hillary clinton about her 2016 democratic challenger bernie sanders. >> in an interview with the hollywood reporter, clinton will not commit to backing sanders if he is the democratic nominee in 2020. she also doubles down on comments that she made in an upcoming documentary in which she said, "nobody likes him on the hill." >> this is hillary clinton speaking, he was in congress for years, he had one senator support him, nobody likes him, nobody wants to work with him, he got nothing done. he was a career politician, it's
11:05 pm
all just baloney, and i feel so bad that people got sucked into it. the reporter asked does that assessment still hold? and she said, yes, it does. and she goes on, if he gets the nomination, will you endorse and campaign for him? and she says, i'm not going to go there yet. >> trevor: hillary, what are you doing? the election is just about to begin, and now you are coming out throwing punches? this is not the time to reopen old wounds. you can just say, as democrats, we always support our nominee, and then go home and punch that bag you have with bernie's face on it. because what does that even mean? let's be honest, what does that mean? hillary won't support bernie? if he's the nominee, who else is she going to campaign for, trump? actually, i would love to see that, i won't lie. that would be amazing, if trump was up there, like, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my friend crooked hillary.
11:06 pm
( laughter ) hillary comes out, hello, everybody! lock-me-up! lock-me-up! lock-me-up! ( laughter ) but, look, as much as i don't agree with hillary' timing, i don't think she's completely wrong about bernie not being well liked in washington because bernie himself has said this, all right, he said he does don't pleasantries, he's not trying to be nice with people, he doesn't schmooz and rub elbows, he's just there to do what he's there to do. i like that about bernie. his personality is like the beginning of a snickers commercial. bernie, you're not yourself when you're hungry. have this. bullshit, i don't like chocolate, get that shit out of my face! all right, that's the headlines. let's move on to our top story. ( cheers and applause ) today was an historic day for the united states, and not just because the lincoln memorial finally got a standing desk, no, today was historic because it
11:07 pm
was the first day of donald jesus trump's impeachment trial, a trial where a republican controlled senate will decide if the president is innocent or is in fact the most innocent man in the history of innocence. so let's check in on the latest developments in another installment of the magical wonderful road to people. impeachment. ( singing ) >> it's probably presidential harassment. >> trevor: the third presidential impeachment trial in american history began today. because impeachment is such a momentous occasion the senate kicked things off with a formal proclamation. >> the senate sabt to take on an historic and perhaps grade schooling task, the impeachment trial of president donald trump. >> hear ye hear ye hear ye, all
11:08 pm
persons are commanded cokeep silent on pain of imprisonment, while the senate of the united states is sitting for the trial of the articles of impeachment, exhibited by the house of representatives, against donald john trump, president of the united states. ( laughter ) >> trevor: okay, someone needs to get this dude a red bull. no, because he's announcing impeachment but it sounds like a medieval times employee on his last day. hear ye, hear ye, i don't get paid enough for thine bullshit. hear ye, hear ye, hear ye is a phrase that has to be shouted, like make some noise! or you're not even my real dad! laugh raff got to shout certain things. and despite the asmr intro, trump's impeachment trial is already filled with drama. just look at the all-star defense team president trump put together. this is an insane team trump collected. it's got ken starrer, the lawyer
11:09 pm
who is famous for doing the investigation that led to bill clinton's impeachment. and it's got alan dershowitz, famous for defending o.j. simpson. they are perfect for trump because they have experience with super guilty people and super horny presidents. it's a great combination. ( laughter ) but trump's lawyers may want to polish up their defense strategy. things have gotten off to a rocky start. >> the president's legal team offering a first glimpse of their defense, that the president did nothing wrong, did not commit a crime, and even the democrats' argument of abuse of power does not rise to an impeachable offense, something lawyers alan dershowitz maintained over the weekend. >> the articles of impeachment are two non-criminal actions. >> but many constitutional lawyers disagree. alan dershowitz himself once argued the opposite during the clinton impeachment. >> it certainly doesn't have to be a crime, if you have somebody who completely corrupts the office of president --
11:10 pm
>> trevor: yes, it turns out that, over the past 20 years, alan dershowitz's legal opinions have changed as much as his hairstyles because right now he's saying abuse of power is not an impeachable offense, but, back in the '90s, he says it was. i mean, look, we all did something we regret in the '90s. i walked around in that missy elliott outfit for a whole year. every time i left the house, the garbagemen tried to throw me in the truck. but according to dershowitz, this is interesting, what he said in the '90s was, in fact, correct, and what he's saying now is also, in fact, correct. >> previously, you said, it doesn't have to be a crime if the person in office completely corrupts the office of president, now you're saying criminal-like. so corrupting the office of the president, is that in your criminal light or criminal-like behavior? >> no, that was rejected by the -- >> you are saying you were wrong
11:11 pm
back then? >> i'm saying i am much more correct right now after doing the research. i didn't do the research back then because that wasn't the issue. i did the research now. i wasn't wrong, i am just far more correct now than i was then. ( laughter ) >> trevor: i wasn't wrong, i am just far more correct now than i was then? that is one of the most original lines i have ever heard in my life. and that's a great line for a lawyer, but thank god this guy doesn't work on a bomb squad because that would be a disaster. he would be, like, cut the yellow wire. wait, the red one. i already cut the yellow one. yeah, i wasn't wrong about the yellow but the red is more correct. don't worry, we're not going to die, we're just going to be less alive. ( laughter ) so that's where trump's i love the '90s legal team is at. and we'll see them make their arguments later today but today the senate was more about establishing the ground rules of this impeachment trial and it
11:12 pm
sounds like it's going to be a pretty tight ship. >> it is an historic day in washington where the u.s. will meet in a few hours to start the impeachment trial of the president of the united states. >> for the senators today, it's going to feel like a really long day at school, you know those cubbies many of your kids have? the senators will have to put their phones and electronics in the special boxes jumps off the senate floor because they're not allowed to have them, they're not allowed to speak to the senators next to them or have anything related to the trial, all of that on pain of imprisonment. technically, a senator could get arrested if they got up to take a bathroom break that wasn't approved. >> damn. no talking, no phones, no unapproved bathroom breaks or you could go to jail. these poor senators, doesn't sound like a trial, sounds like detention. yeah. i mean, school, you were just locked up just sitting there. i just imagined them sitting inside the senate chamber, looking out the window, as nancy
11:13 pm
pelosi and the others play kick ball outside. nancy is, like, wow, we're having so much fun! i can't wait to go to the bathroom without getting arrested! ( laughter ) most of those rules are standard. standard rules for impeachment trials, and they are designed to make suret that the senators are paying attention and that they're focused. but mitch mcconnell has introduced other rules for this trial, and they're clearly designed to get this thing over with as fast as possible. >> if senate majority leader mitch mcconnell has his way, the vote to convict or acquit president trump will come sooner rather than later. mcconnell presenting his proposed trial rules that break from the clinton model. mitch mcconnell releasing his long-awaited blueprint. each side will have 24 hours or just two days to make their opening statements. it means senators can sit for 12-hour sessions, part of a republican push for a faster trial. democrats say republicans are trying to hide the president's misconduct in the dead of night.
11:14 pm
>> he could force presentations to take place at 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning. the mcconnell resolution will result in a rush trial with little evidence in the dark of night. literally the dark of night. ( laughter ) >> trevor: the way he said that, the dark of night, literally the dark of night... that is no joke, 12 hour-long sessions that last till the early morning. that's cruel especially for this group. these people are usually in bed before wheel of fortune. no one is up here at 2:00 a.m. mcdonnell sure wants to move fart, for a guy who shares dna with turtles. he would be the worst guy to go on a date with. he seems he would order the appetizer, main course and dessert at the same time. to rush things along. bring us the food, the steak, hot fudge sunday and the the
11:15 pm
check. just pour the soup on your steak, let's keep things moving. ( laughter ) now, after some pushback from susan collins and other moderate republicans, mcconnell has now changed the rules at the last minute today so that each side would have three days instead of two days to present their case. and a lot of people are saying mitch mcconnell was wrong to even try and wash this process in the first place. what people don't understand is mitch wasn't wrong before, he's just more correct now. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
11:16 pm
♪ curiosity- it ignites our imagination. in search of inspiration and daring new ideas. at lexus our greatest curiosity isn't a machine? it's you. experience the rewards of our curiosity.
11:17 pm
$12.99 all you can eat ♪ now with boneless wings. only at applebee's.
11:18 pm
every glass of tropicana pure premium orange juice has a million little sips of sunshine. it's 100% of your daily vitamin c and 100% delicious. making every moment in the morning brighter. tropicana sip your sunshine. now seeking a nanny for the children are very special. must be friendly. your friends must love it here. i have no friends. must be committed. you're gonna leave me aren't you? no. cross my heart and hope to die. everyone dies. must not ask questions.
11:19 pm
what happened to your last nanny? like i'd tell. i know what you're afraid of. [ screaming ] [ laughter ] [ screaming ] bad dreams? ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! as we spoke about before the break, senate majority leader mitch mcconnell has recently come under fire for his senate impeachment rules, his attempt to rush through the trial and his performance in the movie doolittle. but for more on the speedy senate trial we turn to a man also known for finishing quickly, michael kosta, everybody.
11:20 pm
( cheers and applause ) michael, you're at the capitol right now. don't these rules seem restrictive? >> maybe, trevor, but we need rules. without rules, civilization would collapse, and i would have to put on leather and fight rabid dogs for water and not for fun like i do now. rules are what makes society like stand to trying to on the escalator or keep quiet when you're in a movie theater, and you know what i'm talking about, trevor. >> trevor: why would i know what you're talking about? >> look, all i'm saying is i think "black panther" already knew somebody someone was behind him, he didn't need your help. >> trevor: well, i think i saved him. but let's move on. i get it. i get it. we need rules. but it seems like mitch mcconnell designed most of these rules to help trump instead of having a fair trial. the length of the trial is compressed. there might not be witnesses. >> mitch mcconnell is tough, but fair. look at these rules. okay, each side gets equal time to make their case. republicans will speak at
11:21 pm
9:00 a.m. tomorrow and the democrats will speak at 6:30 on super bowl sunday, and the witness rules are equal, too. both sides are free to subpoena any of the contestants from celebrity apprentice, and, hey, some of the rules even favor the democrats. this rule says that only democrats get free iced tea all day long and it's right after the rule that says absolutely no bathroom breaks. >> trevor: no bathroom breaks and free iced tea sounds like the democrats are being set up. sound like mitch mcconnell is trying to brush the whole thing under the rug. the press is restricted on how to cover the proceedings. >> that's fine, everything will be covered by mitch magazine. it's like o. magazine but only for mitch. it's very unhop lar. if you excuse me, trevor, i had free iced tea from the democrats and i think it gave me chlamydia. >> trevor: icet tea can't give you chlamydia. >> either way, i have chlamydia.
11:22 pm
>> trevor: michael kosta, everyone. we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) [sfx: bottle opening]
11:23 pm
♪ ♪ ♪ [sfx: horn honk] ♪ ♪ ♪ sure the guy who auto-drafted won. again. but this is the playoffs. rally your crew at b-dubs where the beer is cold, and you can hate on a friend for his stupid hat, not his fantasy team. buffalo wild wings. rooooaaaar! ll been here before. buffalo wild wings. the conference room. the speaker phone. the missing files.
11:24 pm
not in the room? then you're not in the know. well, this has been nice, but can we not? how about we invite everyone you work with, to work together? be seen, be heard, be there when you're not. share your files, and your opinion. and maybe even a happy little fruit guy. when you're ready to unleash the power of your team, open teams. just get one of me looking off. look, she's on another vacation. wow, so happy for you, smiley face emoji.
11:25 pm
funny how the words you typed don't reveal the jealousy you actually feel. thanks, captain obvious. how is she there and we're here? condoms. true. don't hate-like their trip, book yours with hotels.com and get rewarded basically everywhere. hotels.com. be there. do that. get rewarded. ( cheers and applause ) welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a tony award-winning theater, film and television actor who starz in the new series on comedy central called "awkwafina is nora from queens." >> and your mother was in labor for, like, 37 hours. you clung on to her uterus like the thing! it was so gross, man, i threw up
11:26 pm
on the nurse. >> oooh! you know, the baby comes out, it's not all clean. there's all this stuff all over it. it looks like the inside of a pop tart. then she comes up to me, do you want to cut the cord, sir? and i said, holy shit! no, i don't want to cut the ( bleep ) cord. you cut the ( bleep ) cord. >> is there a point? is there going somewhere? >> trevor: please welcome b.d. wong! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ welcome to "the daily show." >> these people are very nice. >> trevor: they are very, very nice. welcome to the show. >> thank you for having me. >> trevor: congratulations on yet another show. i feel like you are one of those people that i have watched my entire life and, yet, you have never aged. i just know you in every movie, like you have the same face, and you've played such a wide berth
11:27 pm
of roles. you play villains, you play good guys, you play extreme characters like if the one in mr. robot, now a dad in a comedy. is this a big departure for you? >> it really is. i don't play a lot of heteronormative nice guy, you know, a nice relationship to his sweet but troubled daughter, it's a new thing for me, and it's as a comedy in a way but it's refreshing for me, because i have been doing a lot of serious stuff. i rediscovered after i left "law and "law and order svu," i rediscovered i was a character ac actor and started reacquaint myself with the super creative transformative kind of work, and then so after mr. robot which just finished his last season, this show came along and it was the perfect thing for he me to
11:28 pm
stretch different comedy muscles i hadn't used in decades and kind of a sweet fess, a warm quality, a family kind of quality which i really like. >> trevor: the show has a really beautiful story to it because it feels genuine. it's about this family who is asian but not about them being asian. they're just asian and they have a life and a story. >> and i don't know if people really understand how rare that is for us, for my community, the asian community, for us to have a family that's not there because they're asian and because of a representation is so kind of low that it is a kind of meaningful thing to see a family that's just being a family and having family issues. >> trevor: yes. so it's more universal than an asian show that's super asian specific and it's nice that way. really as an audience member, i've craved it, so it's nice to be involved in it. i was in margaret cho's show.
11:29 pm
when i compare that experience, margaret struggled a lot and not for any reasons related to margaret. it was a different time, and margaret was kind of in some ways shoe horned into a corporate idea of what margaret could be. >> trevor: right. and awkwafina is allowed to do her thing. she has taken the initiative to hire writers around her and surround herself with many women writers and people of color as well as directors and i think it shows in the final product. we don't flinch about all of the things that we're describing in the show that are either specifically asian or related to being asian because they're all kind of from and created by the people who really know what those things are. >> trevor: it comes from an authentic place. >> it does. >> trevor: my michelle yo after
11:30 pm
"crazy rich asians" said we have no problem laughing at ourselves, but laugh with us not at us. >> exactly, and there's a history of us being laughed it or derided and it's taken a long time for us to teach people there's a different between those two things. >> trevor: you have a career that really spans from comedy shows all the way to giant movies, you know, like the "jurassic park"/jurassic world franchise is one you have been an intricate part of. did you ever predict you would be the baddest person in the -- and there's raptors and t rexes and it's, like, you're the bad guy. that's pretty wild. >> i made them. i don't know what to say about that. he was a very benign character in the first movie. he was very sweet. he was related to the original book, the first "jurassic park" book and he's taken a turn which is much more interesting and
11:31 pm
there's another movie coming out in a year and a half. all of these things, trevor, i feel very lucky and they just kind of come to me and i'm very lucky that i don't -- that i have this wealth of a menu of things i get to choose from and do them and it really allows me to explore my creativity as a character director and a creative person. i hate to say the g word -- i'm grateful. >> trevor: oh, i was saying, there's a g word? i think you can say grateful. i don't think we bleep grateful on the show. >> i have been talking about gratefulness in my therapy. >> trevor: but you can say grateful. >> i guess i have an issue -- we shouldn't get into it right now ( laughter ) but it is the thing that i feel is easily overused. #grateful. >> trevor: #grateful. i say #blessed, that's my thing. >> right. >> trevor: but i think you are
11:32 pm
#blessed and we are #grateful for you seeing you on the green south korean in an amaze nog show. thank you so much for being with us. i really appreciate it. "awk [alarm beeping] {tires screeching} {truck honking} (avo) life doesn't give you many second chances. but a subaru can. (dad) you guys ok? you alright? wow. (avo) eyesight with pre-collision braking. standard on the subaru ascent.
11:33 pm
the three-row subaru ascent. love. it's what makes a subaru a subaru. ♪ no matter how far from home ♪ i hit your phone to tell you te extrano ♪ hey! i got your note! ♪ besitos from mis litos ♪ and some oreos de mi hermano hola! ♪ ja ja. bam bam bam ♪ stay playful every day, yo puedo ayudar ♪ ♪ ja ja oh oh oh thank you, brother. ♪ stay playful, spread it 'round like an oreo. ♪ ♪ two years ago, my wife and i were over 50k in debt. through sofi's help refinancing we paid off all that debt. now we're debt free and visiting places like this... thank you guys of 11 herbs and spices. and now you can get two pieces of my
11:34 pm
world famous chicken as a $5 fill-up. a secret you can eat for just 5 bucks. kfc! it's finger lickin' good! we'll be right back ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: all right, well, that's our show for tonight. thank you again for tuning in. we'll be back again tomorrow but first here it is your moment of zen. >> oh! ♪ ♪ >> president trump adding big legal guns to his defense team, including ken starrer, ken star0 years ago, pursued the case
11:35 pm
against bill clinton. back then mr. trump blasting that legal case. >> i think ken starr is a lunatic, i really think ken starr is a disaster. [applause and cheering] >> announcer: and now, david spade! [applause and cheering] ♪ [applause and cheering] >> david: guys, guys! thank you! all right. all right. [applause and cheering] >> david: thanks, guys! have a seat. welcome, everybody. on the show tonight we have annie, doug, and steve. [applause and cheering] >> david: yeah! what is happening. here is what is going on. today is penguin awareness day. so, ah, be aware of them, i guess. [laughter] >> david: while in india, jeff bezos unveiled

72 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on