tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS August 23, 2016 10:35pm-11:38pm MDT
>> we know what this means. but what happens when it's placed this way! flag man ahead, standing on his >> thanks for watching. >> stephen: hi, i'm stephen colbert. please don't adjust your television set. i really am in pale. ( laughter ) you know, recently there have been some accusations by the trump campaign that hillary clinton has some sort of debilitating medical condition.
accusation, and i've looked into it. i have here on my desk all medical research the trump campaign has done on hillary clinton. let's take a look. okay, oh, yeah, this doesn't look good. ( laughter ) clearly, unfit to serve. >> it's "the late show"" with stephen colbert. tonight, stephen welcomes rami malek. tika sumpter and parker sawyers. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs
>> stephen: thanks, everybody. thanks for being here. what's going on! >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: that's nice. that's nice. thank you! ( cheers and applause ) wooo! wooo! ? ? ? these are people-- these are people-- absolutely. on this planet right now. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) that is a fresh audience. and we keep them fresh by keeping it this cold in here, you guys, crisp as celery. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. everybody feeling good? ( cheers and applause )
okay? the presidential candidates. tough job running for these united states. right now, donald trump is accusing hillary clinton of being too ill, too frail to be commander in chief. so how do we know the truth? well, former new york mayor and guy who took away your times square porn, rudy giuliani has a simple suggestion. >> go online and put down "hillary clinton illness." take a look at the videos for yourself. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yes, giuliani says just diagnose hillary on the internet. if it's on the internet, you know it's true. for instance, i put my symptoms into web md and found out i've started menopause. ( cheers and applause )
it? >> stephen: it's why we keep it so cold in here, by the way. so i took giuliani at his word. i googled "hillary clinton illness," and this is true, the first result is "giulani fuels clinton health rumors again. and again." so let me get this straight. let me explain this to you. here's what's happening. giuliani says she's not healthy, and you can look it up on the up on the internet, it says that giuliani says she's not healthy and to look it up on the internet. it's a loop. it's like a snake with its tail in its mouth, or a man with his head up his own ass. ( cheers and applause ) by the way, something you used to be able to see in times square before giuliani came along.
but i'm not surprised that he was able to diagnose hillary so accurately without examining her. after all, giuliani and donald trump are experts on female anatomy. it's true, it's true. just look at this actual video the two of them made. >> you know, you're really beautiful. a woman that looks like that has to have her own special scent. >> maybe i could tell me what you think of th >> oh, you dirty boy! donald, i thought you were a gentleman! ( laughter ) >> stephen: now, obviously, that's shocking, and you're going to want to verify that video. just go online and put down "donald trump, rudy giuliani, drag queen, motorboat."
>> stephen: good, clean, family joke. now, i don't think that's exactly the video giuliani wanted you to find on the internet. i think the one he wanted you to find was this one. >> conspiracy theorists have cooked up just about every condition for her. brain damage? check. parkinson's? check. autism? yup. even syphillis. syphilis. you cannot be president if you have syphilis. just ask ben franklin. but you can't ask him. you know why? syphillis. ( laughter ) now, these conspiracies started back in 2012 when hillary clinton fell down, hit her head, and got a concussion, making her miss the first benghazi hearing, and some people accused her of faking it to get out of testifying.
only was it not fake, but so serious that she suffered permanent brain damage. and they have proof, and it's this footage of her reacting to a crowd of reporters, which they say shows her having a seizure. and even more recently, this damning footage from the clinton convention of hillary enjoying the celebration. now, i'm admit, i'll admit, that is not very presidential behavior. "my fellow americans, the state of our union is... oh! shiny! shiny union! i wish i got excited about anything that much. ( cheers and applause ) i really-- ( cheers )
want to say this to the trump people out there. i don't know why they keep things like "frail," or "week," or "low energy." they're just tip-toeing around the medical condition they're really worried about, one that no other president in history has ever faced. hillary clinton has chronic no penis. it's congenital. ( cheers and applause ) it runs -- her family, has had the same thing. speaking of the internet and penises: you guys know what gawker is, right? you've heard of gawker. gawker.com? or was. yesterday marked the end of an era when gawker was shut down. it's all because gawker lost an enormous lawsuit after posting a hulk hogan sex tape. so just to make sure we're not
show" would like to go on record as saying we do not believe hulk hogan has ever had sex. total virgin. no one-- no one who acts like that has ever been laid. personally, i'm sorry the hulkster beat me to the punch on this one. because i was counting on getting a bunch of money from sex tape. i wasn't even going to have to share the money since i'm the only one on the tape. ( applause ) not easy to do that to yourself, by the way. now, where were we? where were we? where were we? where were we? oh! international news! in international news, north korea has announced a huge step forward in their race to the
they have their own version of netflix! of course, it's not called netflix. their streaming service is called manbang. ( applause ) by the way, it's a lot less subtle when you ask someone to "manbang and chill." but you know what? you know what? let's give it a try, okay. manbang"... and, oh, my goodness. yeah. okay. oh, they are very fit. i'll tell you what, why don't you stick around. we've got more on the latest clinton e-mails and rami malek when we come back.
i am sebastian artois. brewmaster. risktaker. i sold everything i had to own a brewery. you might have heard its name... stella artois be legacy hotels.com makes it simple to book the perfect kid-friendly hotel. which is great for families. finally! whatever captain obvious. save up to 50% during the hotels.com labor day sale. and get an extra 10% off with promo code lastchance. i will awaken your sixth sense mom. so you'll notice every little thing.
a rich nourishing bath routine. with ten times more moisturizer. so you can notice other things mom, like how much i love you. nexium 24 hour introduces new, easy-to-swallow tablets. so now, there are more ways, for more people... to experience... complete protection from frequent heartburn. the easy-to-swallow tablet is here. esurance does auto insurance a smarter way. like their photo claims tool. it helps settle your claim quickly, which saves time, which saves money. and when they save, you save. that's auto and home insurance for the modern world. esurance, an allstate company. click or call. esurance does insurance a smarter way, which saves money. like bundling home and auto coverage, which reduces red tape, which saves money.
before the commercial break, which i hope you all enjoyed, we were talking about the internet conspiracy theory that hillary clinton is suffering from brain damage. what is still "embunked" is hillary clinton and her emails. yesterday, it came out that the f.b.i. has uncovered 15,000 more previously unseen emails from her private server. i have thousands of unread emails in my own inbox. now i have to read 15,000 of hers? by the way-- and i mean this inserious-- match.com, thank you for sending me all those profiles of available african american women in their 40s from the cape girardeaux area of missouri, but i'm good. this is a true story. my kids thought my wife and i would be a good match on
sign you up for match.com separately to see if the computers would match you because we think they would match you. i told them, do not do that. i do not want anybody reporting that stephen colbert signed up for match.com. they said they didn't, but i have started receiving e-mails from match.com that for some reason are sending me mid-40s, very friendly looking full-figured sisters. >> jon: oh, hey! >> stephen: yeah, yeah. and asking me to holla-back. ( applause ) i'm flattered. i understand the appeal. but thank you but no thank you. now, where was i? where was i? hillary clinton.
and the e-mails. there are so many of these hillary emails that the state department says they'll be putting them out in batches, with the the final batch scheduled to be released. four days before election day. and election day by my calculations is still-- let's see-- ( laughter ) a reason to drink. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but there's actually another 'nother new batch of clinton emails. and these are ones about her ties to donors at the clinton foundation, which is a charity set up to distribute aid around the world, and just as importantly, to keep bill clinton busy enough that he doesn't spend all day trying to
hooters with him. they got clam strips. they got clam strips. delicious. and these emails show how the foundation's donors sometimes got access to clinton while she was secretary of state. sounds shady. but with all the questions surrounding all of these emails, it's hard to tell what's really a thing and what's nothing at all. so to figure it out, let's bring out the late show's thing-o-meter. ( cheers and applause ) okay, okay. this is the thing-o-meter. it shows how stuff rates on a scale of "thing," to "not a thing." for example, over here at "thing," you have igneous rock. clearly a "thing." and we know rocks are a thing because rocks are what the thing
here in the middle is "maybe a thing," represented by hiddleswift, which may be a thing, but i also hear is not a thing. honestly, who knows? stay safe, you guys. now, and over here is "not a thing," represented by mike pence mania, where teens take pictures of themselves dressed as mike pence. which, i promise you, is not a thing. yet, yet. so let's reset the thing-o-meter, and let's find out if the clinton foundation scandal is really a thing. here's what came out in the emails. first, they show ties to a charismatic, power-hungry international leader: bono. he's a clinton foundation donor, and he got them to send an email to secretary clinton's top aide huma abedin, requesting a "linkup with the international
( laughter ) clinton's staff wrote back, "no clue." ( applause ) in other words, he still hasn't found what he's looking for. ( cheers and applause ) no, okay. so i'm going to say-- i'm going to say not a thing. now let's let's reset again. so what else was in these emails? a request came to the foundation for secretary clinton to meet with another major donor, the crown prince of bahrain. and this time, he got a meeting. anyone can see that looks bad-- doesn't take a bah-rain surgeon or for that matter a rocket scientist. though if you are a rocket scientist, could you please get
( laughter ) but this might not actually be a thing, because the emails also reveal that the meeting was requested and set up through official channels. wow. i am impressed that the prince of bahrain used official state department communication channels. even hillary clinton didn't do that! so i'm going to say-- i'm going to say between maybe a thing and a we reset. the technology behind this is so advanced. the emails also show a request from a clinton foundation donor to get a visa for a british soccer player with a criminal. record. however, the visa was never granted. so i'm going to say this, as well as soccer, "not a thing." ( applause )
and i'd just like to say, between being hillary clinton's aide and anthony weiner's wife, i do not envy her lifestyle. "i'm so sick of these emails. let's see what's on twitter! oh god!" that-- that is definitely a thing. ( applause ) ( cheers ) ( cheers ) and-- now, here's something else-- i love you. and here's something else that seems like a thing: since these emails came out, bill clinton has announced that "the foundation will stop accepting corporate and foreign donations if hillary clinton is elected." so maybe hillary's ties to the clinton foundation are not a thing.
it's kind of "a thing." so the clinton foundation scandal lands right up there at "maybe a thing," which is the same ranking as bald guys with ponytails. because it may not be a crime, but it sure doesn't look good. we'll be right back with rami malek. stick around. ? ? ? one smart choice leads to the next. ? the new 2017 ford fusion is here. it's the beauty of a well-made choice. ?
here in olathe, colorado. and i'm glad we have a senator who uses his ears to listen to what's most important to colorado farmers. michael bennet asked what he could do to help, and then worked with republicans to make a farm bill that's making a difference to all farmers in colorado. the thing
that impresses me most about michael bennet: we don't always agree, but he values our input. and i do trust michael bennet to look out for us. i'm michael bennet and i approve this message. welcome back. my first guest tonight is a brilliant ( band playing ) actor who is now the star of "mr. robot." >> i didn't force you to do any
>> sthphen: please welcome, rami the people are for rami malek? >> i mean, this is crazy. >> stephen: isn't it? isn't that great? i'm not surprised. i'm not surprised. >> thank you. >> stephen: i think they just agree with me that you're one of my favorite actors. you're really an amazing person to watch on film. it's fun to see you in person here. >> my mother thinks so, too. ( laughter ). >> stephen: really? she sound like a really smart woman. congratulations on "mr. robot." >> thanks, man. nominations. ( cheers and applause ) i understand you guys just got-- you guys just got picked up for season three. >> yeah. >> stephen: that's good news for the rest of us. no spoilers. i haven't seen season two yet. >> all right, all right. >> stephen: but i love it. >> then don't read anything online. that's what i would tell you. >> stephen: i never do. i never do. obviously, i look up "hillary clinton illness," but other than that. a lot of things people say about
that's one of the best things about it is that it doesn't talk down to the audience. actually is-- what you seen on screen, what they're talking about is accurate. did you know anything about hacking before did you this part? >> no, nothing at all. i'm, like, a terrible typier, too, which is so sad. ( laughter ). >> stephen: did you have to learn or is it all-- are you just doing this offscreen. >> i did start to do that, and i quickly got reprimanded. they're like, "you're not playing the piano," is i >> stephen: oh, really. ( piano playing opinion (. >> jon: pling! >> stephen: did you have to take typing classes? >> i did have to take typing classes. somebody came to my house and gave me typing lessons, and after a few session of that i was like, no, i think i can cover this with just pure acting. i can -- >> you can act to the tips of your fingers? >> yeah, right.
that. >> stephen: well, the character eye mean, the show itself is about, like, revolution, and anarchy, and a sense of profound alienation. >> alienation. >> stephen: yeah! we just connected which is the opposite of profound alienation. >> yeah, right. >> stephen: so why do you think-- why do you think it has struck such a chord with people? >> i think so many people feel alienated in a way. they feel, you know, disenfranchised by the society iv they feel like they want to do something about it, but it's very difficult to, you know, to rail against this-- this society that is, you know, positioned-- you know, the 1% against the rest of us, i feel. it's just a difficult place for people who are, you know, just striving to be-- to achieve something and who are very different. yeah. >> stephen: well, your character--
your character is certainly very different, you know. and you've played a couple of characters like snafu in the pacific was another character, a brilliant performance, another character profoundly damaged or profoundly alienated. do you enjoy playing people who can't connect with other people? because-- ( laughter ) an actor's job is to connect with other people, isn't it? >> yeah. it must be somewhere deep inside of me that i have those same feelings. you know, i what it is that made these people that-- you know, that way, if it's, you know, a question i think of nature versus nurture, you know. if we're, you know, just-- if we're born that way or it's a situation that has been dealt to us, that puts us-- that allows us to develop in this way, that it's difficult to communicate at times or forces us into a corner.
elliot, your character, is talking to us, talking to the camera, as if we're not real. as if we're an acknowledged imaginary presence in his head, who he knows he shouldn't be talking to because we're not there. and it really alienates you from the tv show because it's almost as if the tv show is saying, "it would be better if you weren't real." >> right. >> stephen: and that the tv show is real, and weert fake thing. yeah. >> it does. >> stephen: it does blow your mind. >> you blew my mind. well, that's what's cool about the the show. you know, it integrates that audience aspect more. you really feel like you're a part of it like -- >> do people say, "i totally get what you're doing, and i'm going to bring down society like you guys do?" because you've got, like, this mentally damaged antihero that you're playing. but we're pulling for you to stroi everything.
have to refer back to the police department and the c.i.a. >> stephen: congratulations. that's called market penetration. ( laughter ) here's the thing is that you're not-- you're not that tech savvy, right? >> no. >> stephen: here's the thing-- do you like social media? >> i'm not crazy about social media because i think it's kind of-- you know, it's a little bit polarizing. it's difficult-- difficult to figure out what exactly is happening on social media, you know. things seem very manicured. i think it each other, you know. >> stephen: is that-- is that why you have an instagram account with almost 100,000 followers? and no posts yet. ( cheers and applause ) >> i had-- i had no idea i had that many followers. >> stephen: you have almost 100,000 followers. >> that's crazy. >> stephen: and you have given
>> how far do you think i can take this? >> stephen: could i help you out here? could we give the people what they want? could we field the beast and give them one photo of you for instagram? ( applause ) >> sure, sure. you came correct. >> stephen: i totally came prepared. i hope is this going to work. >> so this is going to be my first post. >> stephen: you want to do this? all right. >> well, if you're going to do it right, you have to get higher, right. yo there you go. >> stephen: is that working? okay. >> now it's got-- there we go. now it's-- there we go! >> stephen: ready? >> we have to get higher. i mean, don't you see people crank their neck back like this for the perfect angle. >> stephen: ready, one, two... ( cheers and applause )
future! >> we did it! yes! >> stephen: "mr. robot" airs wednesday nights on the usa. network. check it out, everybody. rami malek. we'll be right back with the love story of barack and michelle obama. thanks, man. d. we made denny's new pancakes 50% fluffier with fresh buttermilk and hint of vanilla.
wedge? yup! next! anncr: it speeds evaporation to help keep you cool and dry. hanes x-temp technology. because when you're cool, you're comfortable. i think you got this. right. i had that dream again -- that i was on the icelandic game show. and everyone knows me for discounts, like safe driver and paperless billing. but nobody knows the box behind the discounts. oh, it's like my father always told me -- an average of nearly $600, but who's gonna save me? [ voice breaking ] and that's when i realized... i'm allergic to wasabi. well, i feel better. it's been five minutes. talk about progress. [ chuckles ]
>> stephen: thanks so much for being here. >> thank you for having us. >> thank you for having us. >> stephen: congratulations on the movie. you guys are playing barack and michelle obama in a movie about their first date back in 1989. and congratulations. i can see that you're expecting. >> yes! ( applause ) >> stephen: is that-- is that for sequel? or is that-- is that malia in there? >> iow it's malia. it's very freeing. >> stephen: congratulations. by the way, you seem fairly far along. >> i am. i'm over seven months. so-- ( applause ) woo. >> stephen: congratulations! >> thank you. >> stephen: the obamas have been in the white house for almost eight years now. why go back and make a story about their first date? what does it tell us about them? >> i mean, it's the origin story. it's a love story. and i think people were interested to see these two
each other like they loved each other and they were politicians. and it was like, "what's that about?" and i think-- right? so i think that was exciting. and just who they were before they became the president and the first lady. i think they're intriguing people. i think they're charismatic, and i think it's a great story. >> stephen: parker, is it intimidating to play the most powerful man in the world? >> no, no. no, it was-- i had been working on, like, the voice and mannerisms for a while. >> stephen: really, you were barack obama before you got the gig. >> hold ostephen. i don't know if you heard me. ( imitating president obama ) there is no blue america. ( applause ) i had heard they resemble him, so i thought i'd play him in 10 or 15 years, and i was working on him thinking that, and this popped up. >> stephen: before everybody thinks this is just sort of a couple of people who are in the tank for the obamas, you actually worked for republicans,
just-- ( laughter ). >> stephen: on their first date they had some disagreement about whether this was a date, right? >> yeah. >> stephen: and we have a little clip here showing that conversation. >> barack, you seem like a really sweet guy. but how many times do i have to tell you, we're not going out together. >> well, michelle, thank you for saying that. you seem like a real sweet girl. but i have to correct you. we are in fact out. and we are in fact together. >> but not on a date. >> it doesn't have to be. >> barack, i don't want it to be. >> usually women i meet are willing to look past my hideous appearance and get ton the real me. ( applause ) >> stephen: now, obviously, you were working on an impression of barack obama. what did you have to work on to play michelle obama? did you have to work on the guns? >> do you see that? >> stephen: wow, wow.
first lady. >> yeah, i had to work on her dialect. she's very-- she puts her tongue toward the front of her mouth, and she's very hard on her words, you know. she talks-- when she talks she means everything she says. right? so i had to work on that, and her mannerisms. you know, heart to chest. but there weren't a lot of video of her when she was 25, so i had to read a lot. >> stephen: she hired him, right? >> yes. >> she did- adviser. >> stephen: so she was over him in the law firm. >> exactly. so she was -- >> how could they date? >> that's why it's not a date. she was reluctant to go out with him because, you know, she worked hard and she was focused and she had her own career going expect this hot shot from harvard comes in. she's dated guys like him before. >> but he was the hot shot from harvard and very charming. >> yeah, he was. >> stephen: now, have you guys
>> no, not yet, but you have. >> stephen: yeah. >> you could make a phone call. >> stephen: sure, hold on one second. i don't have-- i don't have my phone on me. they might be watching right now. hey, hey, they seem very nice. definitely have security, have security check them out. i want no responsible for this. are you intimidated at all playing the first lady? >> at first i think it was intimidating, but once you strip down the obamas of it all and brought it back to the girl from the south side, which is michellero girl. and i think that's why she's so accessible and millions of women love her. she can dance to beyonce and also write a -- >> she can bans with beyonce. >> that's true. that's true. >> stephen: you have a fairly surprising impression i didn't know about, you do tim gunn. >> tim gunn, from "project runway." hello, stephen. how are you?
no blue states, no red states. it's all primary colors. it's the fabric of america. it's beautiful. make it work. >> stephen: wait a second. that's-- that's tim gunn doing an impression of barack obama, or barack obama doing an impression of tim gunn. you live in london, right? >> right. >> stephen: what's the expression over there. we're a very divided country over here. there are people who have their who support him and his policies. what's it like over there? what is their view of our political landscape. >> they love trump, it's crazy. no, no. >> stephen: he called himself "mr. brexit." what's the view of the obamas over there? >> they love the obamas. my wife's optometrist cried when he was elected for the first term. and then he stayed up all night for the second one. didn't cry, though. >> stephen: didn't cry that time? >> no. >> stephen: no, wow.
optometrist. ( laughter ) there's a joke in there about his eyes someplace, but i can't think of what it is. sorry about that. sorry about that. now, obama is our first black president. hillary clinton could be, we don't know, the first female president. do you-- do you guys think that that's going to be as much as a landmark. how much for you as a woman. do you think that would be as much of a landmark for you? because it doesn't seem to be black president. >> i think they stand for beautiful things. i'm about to have a little girl, and if you're going to be able to tell your kids you can be anything you want in this world we have to stop saying the words and put into action and elect a woman as well. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: it was lovely to meet you. thank you so much for being here. parker, lovely to meet you. congratulations. good luck with the film. >> thank you.
everybody! we'll be right back. no one speed... no one way of driving on each and every road. but there is one car that can conquer them all. the mercedes-benz c-class. five driving modes let you customize the steering, shift points, and suspension to fit the mood you're in... and the road you're on. the 2016 c-class. this is my body of proof. proof of less joint pain. and clearer skin. this is my body of proof that i can fight psoriatic arthritis with humira. humira works by targeting and helping to block a specific source of inflammation that contributes to both joint and skin symptoms. it's proven to help relieve pain,
arthritis. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. before treatment, get tested for tb. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if you've had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flu-like symptoms or sores. don't start humira if you have an infection. want more proof? ask your rheumatologist of proof? t-mobile's coverage is unstoppable. we doubled our lte coverage. and, with extended range lte, it reaches farther than ever. now you can stream video and music free in more places without using any of your data. from skylines to coastlines, out in the country, deep in the city. we got you covered. 311 million americans and counting.
? ? ? >> ? woman woman got a whole lotta nerve, ? she the flame in the fire woman woman ? she a lover and a fighter and a king and a mother ? woman woman turn a boy to a man ? build a whole empire that woman got a story ? wit a halo standing in her glory ? woman woman ? curves of her body woman woman ? one hand on her ? and the other on a harley woman woman ? she can dance all night make ya coffee in the morning ? that woman she from venus don't play around baby she a ? genius god gave u the answer ? when he gave you the woman i know you the man ? but don't forget where
? god gave u the answer when he gave you the woman ? god gave u the answer when he gave you the ? woman woman jack of all trades ? put the money on the counter woman woman ? she the balls and the brains no don't you ever doubt her ? woman woman gotta finger on trigger ? and she comin' for the power that woman sheeza dangerous ? so holy like she covered in that angel dust ? god gave u the answer when he gave you the woman ? i know you the man but don't forget where you come ? from god gave u the answer ? when he gave you the woman god gave u the answer ? when he gave you the
now stick around for james corden and his guests, jason derulo and ben schwartz. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ? are you ready to have some fun ? feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ? your hang-ups and fears 'bout to set you right ? it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and