tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS November 7, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm MST
let's see what i can pinch out. "crooked hillary along with jay-z and beyonce-z totally incited violence at my rallies. sad. hashtag "99 problems and hillary is all of them." end tweet. kellyanne, i can't tweety tweet. >> donald, i told you. your twitter has been disabled. >> unacceptable. i'll tweet about it. "my twitter has been disabled. tweedia." oh, that's good. and tweet! kellyanne, why won't my phone tweet? >> that's not a phone, donald. it's a bar of soap. >> of course it's a phone. it says dial right on it. >> announcer: tits "late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, stephen welcomes don cheadle! stevie wonder!
featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now, live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ? captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: thank you very thank you very much. ( audience chanting stephen ) thank you, chris, thank you, paul, thank you, matt! thank you, gentlemen. good to see you! wow! not too bad! you can feel it! you can feel it!
welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. and we are live tonight from new york. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) >> stephen: that's not too shall by. meanwhile, in philadelphia, hillary clinton held a huge rally in front of independence hall with bruce springsteen. bructa hillary, as always, closed with thunder road. trump, on the other tiny hand spoke in new hampshire and had a big announcement. >> tom brady, he called today, and he said, donald, i support you, you're my friend and i voted for you. >> stephen: no surprise brady is a trump fan, because donald
( cheering ) to get a good grip. ( laughter ) and last night trump had "the bruce springsteen of insane bowhunters," ted nugent, and the nuge did not disappoint. >> i got your blue state right here baby! black and blue! >> stephen: what is he even saying? ( laughter ) i don't -- i don't understand. is his crotch actually blue? you guys, i've said it before, if your genitals resemble the electoral map at all, consult a doctor immediately. ( laughter ) ( applause )
we learned all this about trump from the news, unfortunately, not from the man himself because, this weekend, aides to donald trump have finally wrested away his twitter account. what?! you can't take away trump's twitter account! that's like taking away batman's utility belt! ( laughter ) all you've got left is a billionaire with anger issues. ( laughter ) ( applause ) he's got none of his tools! ( cheering ) makes no sense. makes no trump based his whole campaign on that twitter account. what's he going to do now? write messages in bronzer on bedsheets and hang them out the window of trump tower? ( laughter ) ( applause ) twitter is trump's lifeline to the world, especially since it turns out that donald trump does not use a computer. no computer at all.
( laughter ) ( applause ) as far as we know. we don't know. we don't know! we have no idea! ( piano riff ) ( applause ) now, if trump doesn't have a computer, and they're taking away his twitter, i think i know what's happening -- if he loses tomorrow, his staff isn't going to tell him. ( laughter ) ( applause ) wake up, mr. trump! you won don't turn on the tv! hey, we're also going to need to take away your belt and shoelaces. no reason, mr. president. of course, the major story this weekend was f.b.i. director and soon to be former f.b.i. director james comey delivering what may be the most infuriating "takie-backsie" in american history.
campaign with a vague letter to congress saying he'd found new clinton emails to investigate. yesterday, he told congress that "these emails warrant no new action against hillary clinton." this is the psyche-out since god told abraham, "slit your son's throat. just kidding! but seriously, take a chunk off of his penis." ( laughter ) psych! now -- i was kidding! campaign has been hammering hillary with this story. >> this is the biggest political scandal since watergate! >> stephen: sorry, donald. turns out it's not even the biggest scandal since "waterworld." but if you're waiting on a correction from trump's camp, get comfortable. because even though comey says there was nothing in the emails, they've got a new line
>> no one believes that the federal government is capable of taking 650,000 e-mails and reviewing them in eight days. >> stephen: yes. how could you possibly review 650,000 emails in eight days? you need a computer that can do that. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but how are you going to get emails onto a computer? i mean, i don't understand! just scanning the e-mails in ( laughter ) as i said, when he first talked about these emails, i have a message for james comey, and it's right here -- ( cheering ) ( applause ) we're not releasing this message tonight. ( laughter ) we've got a team comparing it to the contents of this hand to see if they match.
to find out what's behind here, you'll have to watch tomorrow night on showtime. ( applause ) yeah, i'm taking a look back here, and some of the results are coming in, already. ( laughter ) but this is it. the campaign is coming to an end. so tomorrow's the big day ( cheering ) ( applause ) finally, we'll all get out the vote and-- wait a minute... what's that? (ragamuffin in audience is crying) >> stephen: why, it's an adorable little street urchin! but why are you crying, little girl? i ask out of genuine concern and not because it's a live show and i'm furious. ( child singing ) ? i am just an orphan ragamuffin ? ? i'm cold and have no coat ? ? and when it comes to ballot
? i'm too scared to vote ? >> stephen: aw, get on up here, you little scamp! come on, everybody! let's give her a welcome! ( applause ) listen, little girl -- you don't need to be afraid to vote! >> i don't? >> stephen: no! in fact -- ( band plays upbeat music-man style music) ( stephen singing ) ? voting gives a voice to people one and all ? ? from the richest robber barons to the lowliest dirtballs ? ? voting's done in a half a flash ? ? it only takes one's wrist-flick ? ? they make the process speedy >> jon: except for in black districts. >> stephen: that's true! yeah, a little weird the way that happens. it's a grade-a, crackerjack super duper, fun-packed peachy keen, grand slam whizbang, bread-and-jam way to keep america afloat. it's democracy in action, so get
>> stephen: you had something to say? >> i did indeed! i have something to say! i say this to all of you -- let the child do as she pleases! >> stephen: oh, my stars! it's friend to children everywhere, the mayor of candy town, jon stewart! >> if the girl doesn't want to vote, she doesn't have to! here, have a toffee. everyone gets a toffee! have a toffee from an old man's pants! ( applause ) i have been heating those up all day. there you go. there you go. toffee from an old man's pants. >> so... i don't have to vote? >> heck, no! ( singing ) ? there's nothing in the law that says the people have to vote ?
? don't stuff voting down her throat! ? ? democracy is optional ? ? it's not a big old croat ? >> stephen: "croat?" it's an anatomical term. >> stephen: what is croat? the sack on a sea bird. ( laughter ) it's a croat. you remember, ( laughter ) you have been to the croat fest! >> stephen: listen, john, this child has got to vote! >> come on, it's not a big deal. >> stephen: do you remember who's running this year? >> well, i haven't paid much attention. walter mon bastille daydale,
>> stephen: no, that's a while ago. do you want me to tell you? >> well, let me give it a try. let me just get a little water. >> stephen: it's donald trump. ( laughter ) >> what! are you kidding me! that son of a -- are you thattage ritax and draft dodging little orange groundhog is running for president? >> stephen: yeah. who's running again? >> stephen: i just told you. i think i just forgot. >> stephen: you forgot that fast? >> yeah. >> stephen: really? but i'm still a bit parched. >> stephen: you want me to tell you again?
it's, uh -- ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) it's, uh -- it's donald trump! ( laughter ) ( applause ) i forgot my srk ( laughter ) >> and this ragamuffin isn't going to vote? you're voting, buddy. you're voting! >> yeah, he's running against hillary clinton. ugh, i can't tell which one's worse! >> stephen: he's worse! he's worse! >> stephen: much worse! much worse! ( cheering ) >> stephen: vote! and you're voting, young lady! >> but listen... ? it's not my fault the system
? if either shared my values, i'd be the first in line to vote ? ? but in this civil oligarchy, we don't have a real choice ? ? how can i change a system that won't listen to my voice? ? ? to add my vote to either side would be an awful lie ? ? but there's power in abstaining, sitting out feels justified ? ? to cave to pressure from the crowd ? ? to vote just 'cause they say ? ? to fall in line and just be cowed ? ? isn't that the coward's way? >> stephen: oh, my god. ( cheers and applause ) i don't know what to say. i kinda see where she's coming from.
contrarian think piece. it blew my mind. i want you to write for slate because i think you're amazing. >> stephen: amazing. i don't know what to say. >> yeah, i feel lost... ? papa? ? ? papa, can you hear me? ? >> stephen: john, we don't have time for yentl! >> there's always time for yentl! ( applause ) >> so we're all agreed -- we need to make a statement and sit this one out. >> noooooooo! ( beat drops ) >> stephen: it' it's hamilton's javier mu?oz! >> we've gotten through a lot and your temp's hot so please tell me you're not throwin' away your shot it's a slap in the face when you erase your voice people bled for the right for you to write your choice they faced fire hoses, riots and dogs bitein' so i'm sorry not sorry if this isn't exciting but stayin' home isn't a
say in the way that your state went? great, then years from now what you will say fifty years away from this election day did you fight and use your rights did you decide, or refuse to use this power people died for? so now it's time, whatcha gonna do? ( beat drops out, singing ) ? 'cause history has its eyes on you ? ( cheers and applause ) >> oh, shhhh... ( bleep for several seconds ) >> yeah. javier out. i got a matinee tomorrow! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: okay.
it's all agreed. we're all voting tomorrow, right? >> we're all voting tomorrow! >> stephen: good, because -- ( drum beat, anthemmic march starts ) ? now is the time ? >> he's endorsed by david duke. >> stephen:. ? to grow a spine ? >> his tiny hands might get the music. ? the stakes are high, it's do or die, we can't rewind >> all: we have to try. hotter. >> all: for human kind. he said he wants to date his daughter. >> all: the time is now. he acts real tough, but he's a wussy. he'll fill the court with gary busey. he'll grab your mothers... >> stephen: jon, there's a child present!
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,, scott tipton -- our congressman? or is he a real-estate agent for big-money campaign contributors? tipton sponsored a bill to give away our public lands to his out-of-state donors. called tipton's plans, "a serious threat to the outdoor recreation industry and...thousands of jobs." gail schwartz will defend our public lands and won't put colorado's future up for sale. house majority pac is
>> stephen: thank you very much. they ran in here with a blow drier pretty fast. >> no doubt. >> stephen: i know you're politically aware and active. how are you feeling about the election? how are the nerves doing? >> very nauseous. >> stephen: i have a lit ail ail -- i have a little aroma therapy, a little soothing lavender, and a stress ball. >> i saw ted nugent earlier, i'm >> stephen: based on the color, i think it may be ted nugent's ball. >> it's very fragrant. >> stephen: have you voted? i'm going to get home, vote, stand in line, do whatever. absolutely. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: now, it's a secret ballot, obviously. >> yeah. >> stephen: i really shouldn't ask you who you're voting for but i've got a hint because on your twitter feed you called donald trump you are truly a
-- which we can't show on cbs -- something good? >> i thought it was a person of special interest. >> stephen: exactly, it's a person of special interest. hmm, it doesn't smell like this. >> or ted nugent's ball. >> stephen: you're don, he's donald. does it upset you that you have the same n >> we'll see wednesday. i may have to put don in a dumpster fire. >> stephen: what's your middle name? >> frank cheadle. >> stephen: that's a great name. frank, let me ask you another question here. >> thank you. >> stephen: passionate issue for you, one donald trump says is a myth created by the chinese, is global warming and
ambassador for environmental programs. do you have diplomatic immunity? can you park anywhere you want? >> i can park anywhere that's green. >> stephen: you're hosting national geographic's "years of living dangerously." >> yes. >> stephen: and went to california's valley to investigate e drought. >> it comes on wednesday. it's very daunting, you know, what we learned, is right now experiencing a drought that they haven't seen in 1200 years, if you can believe that. >> stephen: so the rains this year didn't help. >> it's the snow pack, it doesn't get cold enough for the snow in the mountains actually to create a snow pack and that's where the runoff happens and that's where we get most to have the water. they've depleted the aquifers and the ground is sinking in some places in california because all the aquifers have been depleted. >> stephen: so what's going to happen?
i think the most important thing when we think about this election is there are personal things we can do, obviously, you know, watch our water consumption and try to buy products that are clearly -- you know, we keep global warming in mind and do all those things, but, really, it's about supporting the leadership that makes ate part of their platform, so not just at the presidential election but all the way down ballot, we have to get behind the people who will make ate real issue and make something we absolutely have to focus on. other than that, once that happens, then we have to stay on them. >> stephen: because if we don't have water, we can't stay on the planet. >> if we don't have water, it's not going to work out. >> stephen: elon musk says he's going to be able to put people on mars in 20 years. will you be the first african-american man on mars? >> i don't want to be the first because in most space movies, they're the first ones to go. ( laughter ) >> stephen: weren't you in
>> yeah, and they left me up there. how about that? >> stephen: just left you there? >> yes. >> stephen: not cool. yeah. >> stephen: at least they went and got matt damon. >> they came later. >> stephen: did they come later for you? >> yeah. >> stephen: did you have to eat the poop potatoes? >> i was actually the first one to experiment with poop potatoes. ( laughter ) >> stephen: your kids, now you're politically active. are your kids politically active? >> they are, and we've drug >> stephen: they prefer to be called woke. >> actually, i was chided for saying that. they said we don't say that anymore. i said, what do you mean, it's already gone? my daughter was upstairs getting ready for a bunch of friends and i said are you going to a club? they said, no, a "black lives matter" rally. i said, okay, wear your tennis
swivel, this is a real thing you're doing. but they're very woke and they're aware. it's going to be the young people that are the hope for these issues. ( applause ) >> stephen: one last before you go, thank you so much for being here. >> thank you. >> stephen: don cheadle, everyone. "years of living dangerously," the national geographic channel. back with stevie wonder! ( cheers and applause ) ?
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stevie, thank you for being here! >> stephen: that's right. now, you know -- >> stephen: yes, stevie? -- i must say to all of you it is great being here but i know stephen only said that because his name is the same as mine. ( laughter ) but not only that, his birthday is the same day as mine. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: and i can't think of any differences between the two of us. ( laughter ) i have to ask you what is that? are you going to iron me a shirt oor julianne some potatoes? what is in front of you? >> you have to lay on this. >> stephen: why on it? i was thinking about this -- you may say to me, stevie, look, i have to be treated
have a great love for me -- >> stephen: i do, yeah ( laughter ) >> and you say, how can we do this? i need surgery right away. and i say to you, you know, i can do it. >> stephen: wait, wait a second -- >> are you going to believe me? are you going to trust me? >> stephen: i would trust you with any song, but if you were going to do surgery on me, i might want to have somebody helping you. >> how about >> stephen: yes. -- if there was a situation where you needed to get to the hospital immediately, right, and you needed someone to drive you there -- >> stephen: yeah. -- would you trust me driving you there? >> stephen: i would prefer even with the amount i love you, i would prefer you not drive me to the hospital, stevie wonder. ( laughter ) >> okay. so this is my point -- we are in a time that we have to make a
who is going to determine -- ( applause ) what's going to happen for our children? i have four june your -- four jr millennials. four under the age of 16. my youngest is one, okay? ( applause ) you know, i believe in my mother, b is all i can tell you. i do. i voted, already. i didn't drive myself there. i didn't drive myself there. ( laughter ) >> stephen: and you were getting out the vote this weekend for hillary clinton. what is it about her that you're passionate about? >> you know, i believe completely different than those that are putting the word out that you can't trust her. i think that's just a sound
to give you an example, let me see -- if you hear -- ? la, la, la, la ? ? la, la, la, la, la, la, ? ? la, la, la, la, la, la ? ? la, la, la, la, la ? y ? lovely as a sunny day ? so you heard this song, like it, can relate to it. >> stephen: i do. because you've heard it over and over again. so after hearing it, you begin to sing it, hear the melody, feel it, do the little move and all that kind of stuff and, before you know it, you're singing it, okay. >> stephen: and that's what a political slogan is like? >> a political slogan. particularly now, these days,
various ones in media and they do whatever they have to do to persuade you, so you hear the thing, i just don't trust her, i don't why, but i just don't trust her, i just don't trust her -- >> stephen: stevie, if we weren't live, i would want to talk to you forever. but i do have one question for you. i would love to hear you do a song to make people feel calmer tonight. would you be willing to do "don't you worry bo about a thi" before we go tonight? ( applause ) >> i will. but i want to encourage you to go out and vote. please, do that. it's your right. and don't believe to those who say to you your vote doesn't matter because your vote does matter. we need you to vote because, truly, right now where we are is --
? don't delay ? ? send right away, yeah ? ? hey, it's goin' around ? ? breaking many hearts ? ? stop it, please ? ? before it's gone too far ? >> stephen: we'll be back with more stevie wonder and some more love. stick around. ( cheers and applause ) ? ooh, why the phelps face? old computer slowing you down? is it a real drag? you know... i know. new computers are super-fast. and yet here you are with a new world record for the slowest computer. you know about it, now do something about it. upgrade to a new pc. powered by intel. ? what is he doing?
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to keep our communities safe, we need a district attorney like jake lilly -- tough, smart, and determined to keep us safe. as a former special assistant u.s. attorney and iraq war veteran, jake lilly is an experienced prosecutor who will be tough on violent crime, including murder and domestic abuse. and he has a smart plan to provide treatment for non-violent offenders, including veterans suffering from mental illness or addiction. jake lilly for district attorney -- tough, smart, and fair. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen! stevie wonder! ( cheers and applause ) >> no matter what happens! it's going to be okay!
? ? m? i tell you what's going to happen -- ? everybody's got a thing ? but some don't know how to handle it ? always reachin' out in vain ? just taking the things not worth having but ? don't you worry 'bout a thing ? don't you worry 'bout a thing, mama ? 'cause i'll be standing on the side ? when you check it out ? they say your style of life's a drag ? and that you must go other places ? but just don't you feel too bad ? when you get fooled by smiling
to keep our communities safe, we need a district attorney like jake lilly -- tough, smart, and determined to keep us safe. as a former special assistant u.s. attorney and iraq war veteran, jake lilly is an experienced prosecutor who will be tough on violent crime, including murder and domestic abuse. and he has a smart plan to provide treatment for non-violent offenders, including veterans suffering from mental illness or addiction. jake lilly for district attorney -- ? yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... ? ? mm-mm-mm, mmm ? ?
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? ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen:um back, everybody! thank you, stevie! you know my next guest from films like "inherent vice" and "steve jobs." now, she stars in the highly anticipated prequel to harry potter, "fantastic beasts and where to find them." please welcome, katherine waterston! ( cheers and applaus ? >> i can't deal with this! >> stephen: welcome to the concert to save america. ( laughter ) >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: we haven't seen each other since you were at the final party, the rap party for
>> i can't hear what you're saying because i'm sitting in the seat stevie wonder just sat in. ( applause ) >> stephen: do you feel the greatness welling up through your buttocks up there? >> yeah, i'm just trying to get some of it up into my skirt. wow! >> stephen: there you go. watch out! watch out! ( laughter ) now, for people who don't know, you're the daughter of the great sam vaterston, friend of ours, and fantastic. what's an acting icon like that? did you ever do "law and order"? >> wow, you just went straight for the juggler. no, i'm the only actress who ever lived in new york city who could not get hired on that show. >> stephen: i hate to tell ya, i was in "law and order." ( laughter ) yeah. >> how did you -- >> stephen: i don't know. they just fobbed you up and said -- >> they said, we've got a guy
( laughter ) >> some people on that show say things like, she never came home last night! i couldn't even get a job like that. >> stephen: didn't you call your dad and say, dad, help? >> my sister-in-law, brother and brother-in-law were on the show. >> stephen: now you have the ha ha, because you're in the fantastic beast and you know where to find them. >> i showed you, "law and order." >> stephen: you sure did magician catcher. >> i'm basically a denoted cop. >> stephen: a magic cop. a magic cop. >> stephen: this is a big movien from choose. i'm sure people who like me who are fans of harry potter are trying to pry spoilers out of you all the time.
i lock you in your dressing room and don't let you out. ( laughter ) did anything surprise you? i assume you were a fan. did you find out anything about these movies? >> they don't tell us anything. probably because they're so afraid that we're going to gossip about it or something. yeah, just last week, we had this fan event in london, and j.k. rowling walked on to the stage. they didn't even tell us she was going to be there. she told the audience that we we thought maybe we would make four, and i was sitting there on stage, all the actors had their jaws on the ground, and i was just thinking maybe there was some kind of stem cell lab in switzerland that i could go to dip my whole body in to stay well preserved to get that film. i'm imagining us with our walkers and wands -- >> stephen: i would like to do something to your face now if
>> stephen: i was wondering if i could prove you're sam's daughter by giving you his eyebrows. >> yeah. >> stephen: this is what your father looks like, to remind everyone. so look at me right here. >> mm-hmm. >> stephen: now, look into the camera and say something sam waterston would say, and we'll give you the sound effect. >> the trick is the eyebrows go uneven, right? >> stephen: yeah. it's the law! ? >> stephen: what do you think, sam? any good? >> dad! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: sam waterston, everybody! katherine waterston! fantastic beasts and where to find them appears in theater next friday! katherine waterston, everybody! we'll be right back! katherine waterston, everybody! we'll be right back! ( chee scott tipton -- our congressman? or is he a real-estate agent for big-money campaign contributors?
? >> stephen: that's it for the late show. tune in to showtime tomorrow
for our live post-election show at 11:00 pm. now stick around for james corned! ? are you ready to have some fun ? feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ? where you come from it's gonna be all right ? it's the late, late show