tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS September 14, 2016 10:35pm-11:36pm CDT
( laughter ) ( applause ) the only difference-- run, forest! run! the only difference is forrest gump went to vietnam. it's true. cold-blooded! but secretary powell didn't just talk trump. he let loose on backhanded compliment or a fronthanded insult writing: >> jon: oh, cold-blooded. >> stephen: "bimbos." a damning accusingation.
a new census data just came out. sit down, i know we're all excited. the report showed that for the first time in seven years, median household income went up. it also had some good news for the lady because the gender wage gap has can decreased by one cent, one cent. so, gals, why don't you celebrate with a nice piece of penny candy. not two pieces, though. that'll take another 25 years. you know, i have been beating around the bush here. i have to get something that's kind of upsetting me, i was hoping i could get it off my chest. would that be okay? we were talking about this earlier. i feel dumb. i'm such an idiot. i never knew there were four different species of giraffes. that's right. apparently, a new study found there are four species of giraffe instead of just one. i guess now when your five-year-old says their favorite animal is a giraffe, you can say, "be more specific, jonathan, or you'll never get
( laughter ) and, sure, no one knew that until this week, but i still feel pretty stupid. plus, up until now, i just thought a giraffe was just a snake on top of a horse. scientists made the discovery by performing skin biopsies on 190 giraffes from all around africa. they found four distinct species and three moles the giraffes might want to have checked out.
his single "hot in herre" over and over again. fans have figured out that with spotify paying artists six-tension of a cent per treme that is a lot. maybe nelly could make some cash by putting his song over some footage that is getting hundreds of millions of plays this week. maybe something like...
so hot ? so take off all your cloacts ? ?. >> stephen: they did claim it was the heat. they did claim it was heat exhaustion. they claimed that. well, just to make sure nelly has learned his lesson, i've updated his hit "hot in herre" to teach him all about fiscal responsibility. this right here. thank you very much.
? ? ? ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) ? save a little bit of back tax save a little bit of back sax ? i am going to be singing that for the next 40 days! ? 40 days ? can i ask you guys a question? are you ready for some football ( cheers and applause ) well, you're going to have to wait because tomorrow is the first installment of "thursday night football" right here on cbs. so be sure to set your alarm for about 1:00 a.m., because that's when my show will be starting after the game. that also means that tonight is the "late show's" annual "wednesday night thursday night
it's going to be a huge matchup: jets versus bills with former bills coach rex ryan now coaching buffalo, and former bills quarterback ryan fitzpatrick now leading the jets. it's a battle of the transplanted ryans! which one will be rejected like a bad kidney? tune in to find out. plus, jets versus bills means we could witness an n.f.l. first, where somehow both teams manage
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that you were doing, and then-- you must remember, we didn't get "the colbert show "in south africa, and that was the most amazing thing i have seen in my life. i said that's how you chant your name. you're amazing, man. i will earn the chanting, but not now. >> stephen: you're amazing, too. >> thank you very much. thanks for having me. >> stephen: you're coming up on one year. >> yes. >> stephen: of "the daily show, "and the last time you were here was shortly before you
country. >> yes. >> stephen: to save us. ( laughter ) did you-- when you look at american politics now-- because the last time you were here, trump had, you know, made a splash but everyone still thought, can't possibly happen. can't possibly happen. >> i think people still think that. >> stephen: if i thought that i could sleep at night. it could possibly happen. >> we're learning it's time. it's time. you have cream parlor-- let's stop there, have you? >> stephen: yes. >> okay, cool, just making sure. and you're choose ago you are getting to choose the flavors. now in american elections you only have two flavors to choose from, and then they go hey, you have a year to choose your flavors. you're going to stand there for a long time and say do i take the vanilla or the racist ginger. and you get to spend a lot of time choosing the --
here. >> they say, hey, you've got a year. if they say, "choose now, ""you'll pick. if they say a year you take your time. racist ginger sounds interesting. it it would make life exciting. >> stephen: it would. >> people say they want an outsider, and i understand if you look at politics and how convoluted it becomes i understand that, but an outsider to what is what you should be asking. >> stephen: to the the insiders? >> that' >> stephen: it's not? >> i don't think so. >> stephen: it's specific enough for trump. it seems to be working. >> and the people voting for him. all people in the baskent. the basket was is displt basket of deplore ables. >> what do you make of that. i guess he said he has followers are racist, but what do you think of basket of deplorables. >> i think the basket thing is
deplorables," people wouldn't have been as offended. >> stephen: let me try this. i was walking down the street and i saw a tupperware full of black people. >> you can't say "full of "because that means they contain black people. try it again without full of. >> stephen: i say, i saw tupperware full of black people. >> and i would say, what, do you mean by that, stephen? at least it makes me think. it makes you think. >> stephen: all right. we have to take a little break.
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i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message. i know more about isis then the generals do. john mccain, a war hero. he's not a war hero, he's a war hero because he was captured. donald trump compared his sacrifices to the sacrifices of two parents who lost their son in war. how would you answer that father? what sacrifice have you made for your country? i think i've made a lot of sacrifices, built great structures. i've had tremendous success, i think...
africa to see your family. >> yeah, i try. >> stephen: it's an 18-hour flight to johannesburg. >> no, no, no, 16 hours. >> stephen: oh, 16 hours. my apologies. >> 18 would be ridiculous. >> stephen: how do you do that, leave friday morning? >> i fly thursday late night, close to midnight. and i'll land on the friday, and then i'll have a friday full day, and then saturday i fly back and i'm here on a sunday. >> stephen: so 36 hours in johannesburg. >> not even, i guess.
true. this is all true. and i wrap myself up. so i have humidity and i close everythingep and it's gone. >> stephen: do you look bane. >> i look like bane and darth vader had a child. >> stephen: i'd see that movie. you have a book coming out right after the election. it's called-- >> "born a crime." >> stephen: what do you mean by that? >> i was born a crime. i was born to a black south
father during apartheid in south africa, and them doing the thing was illegal. >> stephen: the thing? >> the thing. the thing of making me. >> stephen: this thing? when that thing does that? >> well, that's worse than me saying "the thing." i don't know what that is. >> stephen: just being-- >> that's even worse. >> stephen: really? >> that doesn't even look like will thing. it's going into nothing. >> stephen: that's one thing and that's the other thing right there. that's how it works. you know how the right? >> i i hope so. my parns got together during that time which was against the law, and i was born during this. >> stephen: when was that? >> 1984. >> stephen: when did that law change? >> apartheid ended in mean 90. so for the first year of my life i was living a physical crime. i had to go back through my life. i learned thengz about my life i didn't actually know. for instance, i always thought i was an indoor child.
leave the house, because if i was seen in soweto, the area i lived in, the police would see me and go, "that kid, he's a crime." you could see that. and they would send me to an orphanage. my mom wouldn't be allowed to have me. >> stephen: what do you make of americans saying our rights being taken away or our country bheeg taken from us, where you grew up someplace where your existence itself was a violation of the law? >> you know, i always say to people, i somebody for thinking that their world is tough because it is tough to you. i look at my upbringing, and i go-- i remember when i went to brazil, and i visited the favellas in rio de janeiro, and i said, man, this is bad. and i go with an american to south africa, and they go this is bad. no, this is bad. it's bad for you, and that's all it really needs to be. when people go, "my right are being taken away."
"yeah." and i say, "why do you say that?" "because i can't order more food." it's different, it's different, it's different, but it's still valid. we all have our challenge s. >> stephen: you also have a show at the beacon theater here in the new york to the new york comedy festival. what night is that i'm going to be doing stand-up comedy on the fifth of november. that will be fun. >> stephen: you have a full-time job, my friend. and you're a great do you ever think to yourself, on the weekends i'm going to take it easy. >> that's me taking a break. i go i'm so tired i'm going to do some stand-up. >> stephen: thank you for doing that. >> that's my love. >> stephen: thank you for being here. enjoy election. >> you enjoy it. >> stephen: we'll enjoy it together. >> stephen: "new york comedy festival presents trevor noah" is at the beacon theater on november 5. trevor noah, everybody! we'll be right back.
sir, you give me that salad and i will pay for your movie and one snack box. can i keep the walnuts? sold. but i get to pick your movie. can i pick the genre? yes, but it has to be a comedy. a little cash back on the side. with the blue cash everyday card from american express, you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. throw. it's more than cash back. it's backed by the service and security of american express. it's more than cash back. (foot steps) ? (crickets chirping) (jet engine) ? (heart beat) ? (water splashing) (rain drops) (engine revving) (tires on wet road) ? anncr: hanes underwear with revolutionary x-temp technology
chuck grassley thought it was time to bring the windmill back. without the grassley legislation, and his effective leadership, the wind energy industry would not have succeeded. now, more than thirty one percent of all the electricity in iowa comes from wind. these turbines don't just produce clean energy, they produce jobs. six thousand in iowa alone.
back in the day said that you didn't put the effort in that was necessary. the people talked about your personal style. called you a thug. to be up there and have people cheering you on, and so excited, and so ready to honor you? how did that feel? >> i just-- it just made me love god even more than i do now. ( applause )
like, little kids, five and six years old come up to me and they don't say, you know, are you allen iverson?" they say, "you're the guy that crossed up michael jordan, aren't you?" ( laughter ) and it's a special-- it was a special moment in my career because that was my idol. that was my favorite. if it wasn't for him, i wouldn't have never been a basketball player. i wouldn't have never had the vision.
the negative allen iverson. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: congratulations, congratulations. lovely to meet you. allen iverson, everybody. hall of famer. we'll be right back with chris gethard. start the interview with a firm handshake. ay,no! don't do that! try head & shoulders instant relief. it cools on contact, and also keeps you 100% flake free. relief.
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allen iverson, hall of famer, and we're going to-- we've got a trash can right here in the middle of the stage. can you get a shot of that, jimmy? what we're going to do is, we're going to have a shoot-out here to see who is in hall of fame of paper ball basketball. you can stand or you can sit. what do you want to do? >> i'm going to sit. >> stephen: you're going to sit? all right, then i'll sit, too. hold on, hold on. take this off. ( cheers and applause ) this is serious, mao. >> not for me ( laughter ). >> stephen: mott serious for you? it's about to get real serious, allen iverson. >> serious bragging rights. >> stephen: i beat dr. j. at this. you can ask him. he's not happy about it. >> did he have his eyes closed? ( laughter ) ( applause )
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everybody. my next guest is the very funny host of "the chris gethard show" on fusion. please welcome chris gethard. come on up. thanks for being here. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: things are going great for you right now. >> they're ago. >> stephen: they're in the the great movie and you have the the show, the "the chris gethard show" on fusion. the show calls itself the most bizarre and often saddest talk show in new york city. >> yeah, we have you beat on sadness, i think. nothing else, nothinges, but sadness, yeah. >> stephen: what is the most bizarre and sad thing you've done recently on the show? >> my favorite was we did an episode-- you can watch it, paul sheer and jason manducas were
what's in the dumpster. that was the whole hour. >> stephen: you had a dumpster on set. >> on set. and callers could call in and be, "is it a rackle ball?" and we'd say no. >> stephen: it could be any item in the universe. >> what it turned out to be-- if you don't upon the spoiler-- it was paul giamatti. >> take a guess? >> a bowl of spaghetti w oregano in it. >> bowl of spaghetti with oregano. >> stephen: how long was paul gimountain nethat dumpster? >> close to two and a half hours, stephen. and having one of our greatest living actors, i want you to sit in a trash receptacle. it was sad. >> stephen: did you clean it out? >> i think so. i leave that to the the production staff. i don't know. i don't personally clean it out. but, yeah, you can actually-- you can watch all two and a half
youtube. >> stephen: wow. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: some people have that fetish, i'm sure. >> yeah. there's something for everyone. >> it wasn't pleasant asking a man of his caliber, "will you do this?" but he was a good sport about it. >> stephen: when did you do this? >> a couple of months ago. >> stephen: i know his publicist. >> yeah. >> stephen: i'm going to call her. >> yeah, it might be the first she's heard of it ( laughter ). >> stephen: you're also in "don't think twice, "which was about people starting off in comedy. and you came from that world. >> i did. >> stephen: what was it like doing that movie? was there a script or did you guys improvise it? >> there was a script. there were some improvised sketches. it's about one member of an improv group gets really successful, and the others people are like, i'm never going to be successful. and i know that second feeling very, very well, of feeling all my friend are getting successful, and i'm still here
much as kind of reenacting 2006 and 2007. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, but you're successful now. i mean-- >> maybe. i don't know. ( laughter ). >> stephen: no, no, you are! you've got the show. you've got the movie. you've got a new-- you've got a show that's moving off broadway at the lynn red grave theater called "career suicide." >> i'm semisuccessful. that being sweat pant are worth more than my suit so i'm not that successful. >> stephen: he gave me these shoes. >> he did! >> stephen: what size shoe do you wear? >> 11 and a half. >> stephen: these are 10 and a half. how tall are you? >> i'm 5'7". >> stephen: you and have an 11 and a half foot shoe? wow? ( applause ) what are you depressed about? ( laughter ) >> a lot of things.
>> stephen: you talk about-- a lot about anxiety. >> yeah. >> stephen: in your show. what makes you anxious? >> all kinds of things. my show is all about my depression issues. it's a comedy show, i want to be clear. >> stephen: all comedy in some way is about anxiety and depression. >> i think people are still scared to talk about this stuff and i want to laugh about it and see if that helps a little bit the anxiety-- one low-level, my wife is incredible, an incredible person, but if she a cabinet, it just stays open. >> stephen: all the the way open? >> like, she will open it and walk away. i don't know if she knows they move in the other direction. like, it's bad. and there was one night where we laid down in bed and i couldn't fall asleep because i knew, "there's a cabinet open in our kitchen." and in my head i'm like who cares? it's fine. there are no negative repercussions. and in my head i said, "you cannot make that promise."
i said, "don't do it. it's crazy if you do it.t i did. i tiptoed into our kitchen, and i shut the cabinet door, and i said out loud, "it's over." and i fell asleep. that's how i live. >> stephen: the funny thing sican totally relate to your wife, because that's my wife. my wife is like that. we're going to bed at the end of day and she'll be like, "you can turn off the lights in the kitchen." i said, "you bet." and i open a cabinet and start to turn off and she's like, please don't, please close that. she'll run over and go to close the cabinet and run out of the kitchen and i'll go, "turn off the light." >> people like you and my wife are driving people like me and your wife insane. >> stephen: you also are-- you're also very open about taking antidepressants and that sort of thing. >> yeah. >> stephen: some people look at comedians, are a sad on the inside clown. and if you aren't sad or
>> it did. and i think it's a sad myth. i always are worry i'll lose my ideas if i'm on antidepressants. and i went on them and i'm so much funnier now, which is stunning to see. i remember one of the ideas-- i think back to these ideas. i went to rutgers university-- the rare clap for rutgers, well done. an appropriate level of clapping for rutgers university. i was there and i had dicomedy with and i called them up and said, "i have the best idea i ever had. get over here." >> stephen: this was preantidepressants. >> it was preantidepressants. and i said, "we're going to write a play tonight. it's going to be called time phone and it will be about a phone where you can pick it up and you can talk to people in other err as of time. we'll perform it one night only also tonight at an a.t.m. booth at a local bank. who's going to see it?
phone. and they were all like, "no, no, we're not doing it." and not only is that a bad idea they shouldn't have been scared to lose, it's the plot of a dennis quaid movie. "frequency "is that with a ham radio. >> stephen: absolutely. >> that's what i was scared of if i went on meds i wouldn't be able to go into a manic phase and rip off dennis quaid. >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. >> thanks for having >> stephen: "career suicide" opens off-broadway on october 5. chris gethard, everybody!
gallagher: this type of disaster hits, it's like, "man, what do we do? where do we start?" after the flood, when we came in here, there was nothing left. there's no way we're gonna do this ourselves. people like monica vernon really fought to get the assistance that led to
the recovery. it took vision. it took courage. there is a true community spirit. i don't think she asked anybody after the flood whether they were democrat or republican. she took the bull by the horns,
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don't want to miss. sir, hi. did you just say, "switch and you get 50% off a smartphone?" uh, yes. sorry. hi. hello. i was watching tv and i saw you say 50% off smartphones. and we'll cover all switching costs. oh! wow! also, you g... uh, excuse me. switch to u.s. cellular and get 50% off smartphones. plus, we'll cover all switching costs. excuse me, can i just... hmm? what? i just need it back. i don't have it. i don't know what you're talking about. yeah. i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message. donald trump says he alone can fix the problems we face. well i don't believe that's how you get things done in our country. it takes democrats and republicans working together. that's how we got health care for 8 million kids. rebuilt new york city after 9/11. and got the treaty cutting russia's nuclear arms.
what i'll do as president. >> stephen: that's it for "the late show," everybody. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be tracee ellis ross, andrew rannells, and musical guest mac miller featuring anderson pack. now stick around for james corden and his guests, andy samberg and neil degrasse tyson. goodnight! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ? are you ready to have some fun ? feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ? where you come from you're going to be all right ? it's the late, late show >> ladies and gentlemen, all the