tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC March 28, 2014 11:35pm-12:38am PDT
of time. >> jimmy kimmle is next. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- don cheadle. from "scandal", tony goldwyn this week in unnecessary censorship. and music from enrique iglesias. with cleto and the cletones. and now -- cheer up, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> hi, everyone.
thank you for spending part of the madness that is march with me. who laughed so hard they forgot their social security number? it was a beautiful day today? spring is in the air. today is the day on which millions of americans spend 45 minutes with a remote control desperately trying to figure out which channel is trutv. you know, for all this talk of march madness, it's very organized. i mean, there are brackets and everything. a lot of time is wasted on these office pools for the college basketball tournament. a global outplacement company said 50 million americans participate in march madness. says 50 million americans participate in march madness. makes you wonder what a global outplacement company is.
they say american companies stand to lose $1.2 billion every hour because of the ncaa tournament. which is -- if that's true, we need to get rid of it. that's crazy, right? we have a $17 trillion national debt. president obama shouldn't be filling out brackets. he should be arresting the people at cbs. thank you. it's not all bad financial news. apparently pizza sales are way up during the tournament. which i didn't think pizza sales could go up. i thought we were eating at our pizza peak right now. but productivity is down, pizza sales are up, if that isn't 50 years of america in a nutshell, i don't know what is. there are a lot of big news stories i want to cover tonight. i'm worried we won't have time to get to all of them. there's the situation in crimea, spring started today, the vernal equinox. we found out this week our universe is expanding and lulu lemon just introduced some exciting new yoga pants. make sure i fit them all in, we went out on to hollywood
boulevard and asked pedestrians about all of them at once. we asked people do you belive crimea's vernal equinox should be in the multiverse or do you support ukraine's acquisition of lulu lemon? now obviously that question doesn't make sense, but that never, ever means people won't try to answer it in our confusing question of the day. >> do you believe crimea's vernal equinox should remain in the multiverse or do you support ukraine's acquisition of lulu lemon? >> i support it. >> why? >> first of all, i think that -- i believe in their beliefs. >> whose beliefs? the ukrainians, or the lulu lemonians. >> the ukrainians. >> this one. >> not in the multiverse? >> no.
>> do you believe crimea's vernal equinox should remain in the multiverse or do you support ukraine's acquisition of lulu lemon? >> i don't support it at all. >> why not? >> just everything that's going on. it's just a mess and everything. everything that's happening. >> for people who don't know what's going on, can you explain it briefly. >> i actually don't really know it 100%. i don't follow it that much. >> but you know about ukraine's acquisition of lulu lemon? >> somewhat, but i didn't follow it that much. >> will that knock the equinox off its vernal? >> probably, yes. >> and do you think it could affect our financial indexes and spandexes? >> and for people who don't know what the spandex is, could you explain it to them? >> wow. it's hard to describe it actually. it's hard to explain.
the index would be, i guess. >> we want the spandex. >> well, start with the index. spandex. i can't explain it, i don't know. it's challenging to explain. >> we have time. >> you have time? find me a dictionary. >> do you think in an alternate universe, the person answering this question knows we're just speaking nonsense? >> no, not at all. >> do you know that? >> no, not at all. >> great. >> thank you. >> thanks. >> jimmy: by the way, speaking of lulu lemon, this is a clothing brand that has completely revolutionized the way white women go to the
grocery store. they make very expensive, very tight workout clothes for women. they just launched a new line, these are workout clothes they say you can work out at the gym and go straight to the bar in happy hour in them. or you can get drunk first and then go to the gym. the same day lulu lemon announces they're making these bar friendly workout clothes, starbucks announces they're going to start serving alcohol. kids, if mommy is late picking you up at soccer practice, it's because mom is passed out in her yoga pants at starbucks. i'm going to say this right now, the first guy to order a venti chai beer, no longer a guy anymore. you're out. unacceptable. if you've ever wondered what a glass of chardonnay with your
name misspelled on it looks like, you're about to find out. not great news for people who have been holding their aa meetings at starbucks. but it's kind of brilliant. you get hammered at night and you show up a few hours later to get coffee for a hangover. you will be practically living there. this is interesting, too. technicians in sweden and france have developed technology that allows cars to detect the emotions of their drivers. they found that it's more dangerous to drive when you're angry. so the system uses an infrared camera to determine if you're upset. if you are, the car beeps and flashes a warning light, telling you to calm down. nothing soothes an angry driver like a loud beeping sound and warning light. now, i don't know if the swedes know what they're doing, but the people at chevy, they know how
to use technology like this. instead of solving a system that only senses anger, they've been working on a vehicle that acts on it. >> come on! >> got road rage? introducing the chevy rage. the first car that gets angry so you don't have to. >> come on [ bleep ] head. wake up, moron. >> the she vi rage comes equipped with a 220 horsepower engine and a 120 decibel p.a. system. don't get mad, get in. >> you stupid [ bleep ] do you want to die [ bleep ] face? >> the chevy rage. don't [ bleep ] with it. comes in select models only. see your dealer for details.
>> jimmy: the mayor of toronto, mayor rob ford had a busy day yesterday. he was running and knocking people over. he got some much needed rest on his desk. i like to imagine he's dreaming of cheese burgers there. no human being is less aware of when there's a camera pointed at him than rob ford. it really is remarkable. it is thursday night, and we have a tradition around here on thursday nights. we bleep and we blur things whether they need it or not. it is called "this week in unnecessary censorship and i present it to you now. >> now was it something else that triggered that quake? was it something called [ bleep ]? what [ bleep ] is and why some are demanding it be stopped. >> welcome back to the st. patrick's day parade. a very special county headed our way. >> it only becomes possible if russia first agrees to [ bleep ] off pop i wasn't expecting a
question like that. scott walker has a huge [ bleep ] and so does chris christie. who's bigger? i don't know, they're the same. >> for 25 cents over there. >> why is the [ bleep ] my foot. >> i have been called a [ bleep ]. >> she's an old friend. i have the joy of [ bleep ] her at certain times in history. >> [ bleep ] lately at the airport. >> listen to me, stop and just tell me what the [ bleep ] was on the floor. >> [ bleep ] on the floor, i don't know. i don't know, your your honor. >>. ♪ you've got to live [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: we a good show for you tonight. we're going to take a break. when we return, we have the newest episode of our telanovella version of scandal in espanol called escandalo. . >> jimmy: we have a new episode
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usually they'll recast or just dub over the existing show. but at great expense for latin america, they hired the entire original cast to do an entirely original version of the show. and they also, as the cherry on the enchilada hired another one of abc's most deloved stars to be a part of it. here it is, episode numero tres of "escandalo." ,,
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>> every thursday night, he plays the very horny president fitzgerald grant on "scandal." you can see him staring tomorrow in "divergent." and his new album called "sex and love" enrique iglesias is here. next week, nicole kidman will be here. julia louise dreyfuss i have a cold. everyone should feel real sorry for me. i came into work. you know why? i have the heart of a champion. and the nose of a circus clown. our first guest is an oscar-nominated and golden globe-winning actor who is friend to iron man and star of
"house of lies". watch him on showtime sunday nights at 10:00. please welcome, don cheadle. [ applause ] >> jimmy: how are you? thanks for coming. i like that. i wish i could we are hats like that. i look stupid in them. i really do. you look good in a hat. >> i have to find the right one. i have a small peanut head. >> jimmy: what is your hat size,
do you know? >> micro i think is what it says on the band. >> jimmy: seems like you have a normal sized heads. most actors have huge ginormous heads. and then you have -- >> a peanut head. now i'm starting to feel self-conscious about my head. >> i never would have thought you have a small head. it's perfectly proportional to the rest of your body. i was talking to my wife last night about how much we like your head. >> don cheadle has a nice head. >> jimmy: i was breaking down your body parts. head is, like, in my three favorite of them. >> head, left elbow and right foot. >> jimmy: we didn't get that far. but it's good to see you. are you involved in the ncaa tournament? >> i'm not playing this year. i did not get picked up. >> jimmy: your eligibility is expired. >> i was redshirted this year.
>> jimmy: do you gamble? >> i was going to be a part of that bracket thing. they were doing that $1 billion bracket thing. >> jimmy: yeah, warren buffett is doing. what is the story with that? he's giving $1 billion if somebody gets a perfect bracket. >> it's already busted. there are some people in dayton who have a shot. they might win $1 billion. that's it. >> jimmy: harvard won also. that was another upset. >> billion dollars is safe. >> people who would root for harvard are too smart to have picked harvard in the first place. but you weren't a part? >> i was never really into the college basketball. i was into the nba, you know? i was always into playoffs. that's when we really got involved. >> from when you were a kid? >> i moved out here to go to college andle lakers, it was in the heyday of the lakers. this is '86. >> definitely. yeah. we didn't have any money to watch -- we didn't have a tv. so we got it in time for the playoffs and then return it.
>> jimmy: for real? >> yeah, for real. >> jimmy: tvs were big back then. >> it was a job. it was an undertaking. we were devoted to the lakers. >> did you do that more than once? >> every year. >> jimmy: really? >> would you go to the same store? >> well, yeah. they would say really? no, we're going to keep it, we're going to keep it. >> jimmy: that's kind of your first acting gig, i guess. you got the full refund every time? >> until you change your policy, this is what it's going to be like like. >> jimmy: how many guys did you live with? >> three. >> jimmy: do you keep in touch with them? >> yeah, that i ear still good friends. >> jimmy: do they have their own televisions now? >> everyone has their own
televisions. >> jimmy: that super bowl commercial, you were stealing tvs to watch sporting events. or borrowing tvs. now you were in that big super bowl commercial. they surprised that guy. and that was a real thing. >> that was a real dude. he didn't know they had done some -- he thought he was going in for a job actually. he thought he was being interviewed for a job and was waiting for the interviewer to show up. the chick showed up and took him through an experience. >> jimmy: and at the end, good news, there's no job. >> but get drunk. >> jimmy: do we have a picture of that? yeah, this is from the commercial. the guy, like, happens upon you with a llama. but llamas are not nice animals. they're very cute but -- >> this llama was nice until it got a little later. and we had to do take after take. and then lily, her name is lily got a little ornery and belligerent. they spit. >> jimmy: right, they spit. >> and they're really vicious.
i didn't know that. they put them in farms to protect the other animals. oh, yeah, she's a protector. yeah, but this one actually killed one of our sheep. she stomped it out. >> jimmy: oh, that's good. they picked a good one to be with you for the day. >> yeah, an evil llama. >> wow, an evil llama stomped a sheep to death. that's pretty terrible. you don't keep in touch with lily? >> no. >> jimmy: i was talking to you, saw you at a charity event and you were saying this project that you were working on for a long time, miles davis story. miles davis for people who don't know, a great trumpet player and a very eccentric guy. and now you've written this movie. you're going to direct a movie. going to play miles davis. you've been learning to pay trum et for this. are you a good
trumpeter? >> i wouldn't say i'm good in deference to people who can really do it. but i can get enough. >> jimmy: it won't look like one of those music videos from the 80s where the girls are playing the saxophone and the mouthpiece is backwards. >> yeah, the wrong hand is on top. >> jimmy: this is quite an undertaking doing this yourself. >> yeah, it's a big deal. it's been going on for a while. and it's a lot of fun. it's not going to be a traditional bio pic. i'm really excited about the families, they're completely onboard. >> jimmy: have they told you great stories about him people don't know? >> so many things about him, you don't know if they're true. there's a lot of mythology. but i heard a story that he -- you know, he was kind of a gangster. he carried a gun. and apparently he went by a store and he was with a friend
of his and he told his friend, i've always wanted to rob that store. and he said do you want to rob -- well, let me talk the guy. he said hey, miles would like to rob you if that's all right. oh, miles davis? that would be an honor. so miles came in and he stuck him up and the guy gave him all the money, he went around the corner, said that was a lot of fun. handed it to the dude and gave the money back. >> jimmy: will that be in the film? >> no, but i'm going to rob a store in honor of miles. i'm an method actor. i don't play around. >> jimmy: i heard sometimes he would take a razor blade and slit his lip before he played. >> that's horse [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: that can't be true, right? there would be blood coming out of the trumpet. okay, i'm sorry i brought it up.
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>> eat up. >> that is don cheadle in "house of lies" on showtime. did you direct that episode? >> no. fourth episode i directed. yeah. and it was his character's introduction. >> i see, i see. >> is that something you enjoy directing your co-workers? >> yes, i do. i have a lot of fun and tip was great. the fist day was very nerve wracking. he was hip hop fashion, about two hours late. >> oh, what he really? >> yeah, yeah. >> how do you hand that will? >> with aplomb. you have tor very patient. >> jimmy: you do? >> and i smoked a joint. >> jimmy: in hip hop fashion.
well, that will calm things down. >> he was a nervous wreck but i was fine. >> do people confuse house of lies with house of cards because of the titles? >> they do. and i'm getting pretty sick of it. >> i would imagine you are. >> they came out after us. and i watched -- i like the show, by the way but i really hated when i saw kevin spacey turn and talk directly to the camera. that that's my [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: that's your thing. >> it's got to stop. >> jimmy: it's bad enough that you have identical titles. when you're going through and tapes or netflix or whatever. >> that's right. and then boom, there he is looking at the camera. and you can't tell us apart. >> have you asked him to stop doing that? >> i have not. but i do want to challenge the
house of cards cast to people like oh, softball or bowling. no, death match. let's just get it done. we're going to win. josh lawson is on our show and built like a simian gorilla we're not going to lose. >> jimmy: and you have t.i. too. you're involved with another show time with documentary as well. >> "living dangerously." a project that a lot of people are involved with. it's about climate change and -- >> jimmy: for or against? >> i'll let you watch it and decide. but we went all over the world and, you know, studied where the impacts are happening for people today. it's a really good piece. i'm really proud of it. >> thank you for coming by. don cheadle, everybody. >> we'll be right back. >> jimmy: our next guest stars as the popular pope-loving president fitzgerald grant on ,,
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in theaters. please welcome, tony goldwyn. [ applause ] >> jimmy: i pure lled everything but the outside of my hands. i don't know if that will work. >> we will find out. >> i apologize if any ill befalls you. >> thank you. >> jimmy: this is more of a phenomenon that a movie, it seems like. >> it already is. the book "divergent" has sold 16 million copies. >> jimmy: i didn't know that many americans could ring. maybe they're sold to other countries. >> when we were on set, before we made the movie, there were fans waiting at the set. and, you know, the minute i was cast in the movie, before i even told my family that i was doing this movie, i got on twitter kind of exploded of "divergent" fans. >> jimmy: it's crazy.
we've had a number of cast on the show. people are waiting outside them and the movie hasn't even come out yet. >> i have never been a part of something like that. >> jimmy: do you think fan os of scandal will get along with the divergent fans? >> well, the degree of passion on both fronts i think they'll have in common. >> jimmy: which side will you choose if there is a problem? >> i embrace them all. >> jimmy: that is why you're the president. >> i love the people. >> jimmy: you bring everyone together. >> i just want to make this clear for people who don't understand that you are the president, i want to make it very clear that you -- well, i think this videotape will help me make it very clear who's in charge. >> i am the president of the united states of america. i am the president of the united states. i am president. >> i am not the president.
>> ur the president. >> he's the president. >> yes, this man is the president. >> he wouldn't be the president if i hadn't made him the president. >> you're not the president. >> he's the leader of the free world. >> leader of the free world. >> you're talking to the leader of the free world. >> you are the leader of the free world. >> i'm the leader of the free world. i do not sleep in. >> jimmy: that's right. you're the leader. >> damn it, i am. >> jimmy: if there's any problem, we're all going to follow you. >> at your peril. >> jimmy: you live in connecticut, right? >> i do. >> jimmy: do you have another house out here? >> i used to. but i have to admit, you know, i -- i moved back into my father's house. >> jimmy: you have? >> yeah.
a long time about 15 years ago, my dad was like why are you, you know, why do you have your own house out here, why do don't you come stay with me? and i thought, well, there's a test of being a grown-up. actually living in the same house as my dad. it's fantastic. >> jimmy: it's fine? >> sold our house. and when i'm out here, i hang with my dad. >> jimmy: do you sleep in like a child's bed? >> a little bed. >> jimmy: trophies all around? >> like a race car bed. i do the thing where i sneak out the window at night. does he make you do chores? >> jimmy: that's got to be a little bit strange, huh? >> well, the car bedspread is a little. >> jimmy: you had a house here. >> we used to have a house years ago in venice. in fact, my wife, the first house we ever bought was a tiny little house and it was so small that when my first daughter was born, we had to put her in the closet. because the bedroom only held a bed. and so we put anna in a bassonett in the closet. >> jimmy: did she eventually
come out of the closet? >> she hasn't yet. but whatever. >> jimmy: your daughters are still grossed out when they see you making out with olivia pope on the show. >> they're starting to get used to it. i used to get texts saying eww. >> jimmy: do they come to the movie premier with you? >> yep. they came to the divergent premier. >> jimmy: so there's nothing that would upset them there. >> well, there's -- i'm not going to give the movie away. there was one thing that upset them, those of you who have read the book. and you'll see the movie, you'll see that something not so nice happens to my character. >> jimmy: isn't that the best thing. you can't ruin anything. they did sell 16 copies in that book. spoiler alert. you're in the clear. unless they did something weird like they pulled a game of thrones and everybody gets killed at the wedding. you're right. >> no, i didn't get my head
chopped off. >> jimmy: don directed an episode of "house of lies." you directed an episode of "scandal." >> next week. >> jimmy: it's on next week? >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: what was that experience like for you. do people listen to you? >> everyone but kerry washington. she makes it her business when i'm directing to just make it as -- to tease me as much as she possibly can. >> jimmy: i think that's what i would do, too. >> i have a feeling about you that way. >> jimmy: it's kind of like someone in class got voted room monitor or something. it evenings like oh, now you're in charge, huh? >> that's true. >> jimmy: do any other cast members direct the now? >> i'm the only one so far. >> jimmy: well, you are the
president. >> i am the leader of the free world. i am the president of the united states. damn it. >> jimmy: so we have a sneak peek at a clip from next week's show. >> great. >> jimmy: this is something you directed so you're probably pretty familiar with it. >> i make no promises. >> jimmy: maybe you have no idea i'm about to -- guillermo, why don't you set this up for us? >> guillermo: roll the tape. >> i heard big green looks good for regionals, jerry. that's fantastic. >> thanks. and karen, i bet you were terrific in "our town." >> dad. >> i want to tell you that your mother and i really appreciate you guys coming down here to help out with the campaign. >> it's been tough the past few months. >> it means a hell of a lot for us. you're going to be prepped, it will be easy. and at the end of the day, let's just all remember that we love each other. >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's the first time
we've seen the kids. >> worst parents ever. for three years we've never seen our kids. but let's just remember that we love each other. >> jimmy: that's the most important thing in any scenario. no matter what i do, just remember that we love each other and we're good. >> jimmy: it's very good to see you. congratulations on the film and the continuing success. and you're a new father. tony goldwyn, everybody. "divergent" opens tomorrow. "scandal" right here on abc. right back with the music of enrique iglesias. >> the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by at&t. rethink possible.
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♪ what up what up let's go oh-oh-oh-oh oh-oh-oh-oh ♪ ♪ i tried to let it go but i'm addicted to her chemicals i got a taste i want an overdose i love the way she gets so physical like an animal ♪ ♪ day and night i just imagine how you put your love on me lights off lights on ready for some action baby come and give it to me ♪ ♪ 'cause i'm a freak the way you pop it and drop it all over me no i don't want you to stop it ♪ ♪ yeah - i'm a freak baby i can't lie when you move like that i got a one track mind ♪ ♪ 'cause i'm a freak yeah i'm a freak 'cause i'm a freak yeah i'm a freak ♪
♪ yeah baby there you go stealing my heart just like a criminal no turning back cause time is critical yeah move your body like a miracle baby here we go ♪ ♪ day and night i just imagine how you put your love on me lights off lights on ready for some action baby come and give it to me ♪ ♪ 'cause i'm a freak the way you pop it and drop it all over me no i don't want you to stop it ♪ ♪ yeah i'm a freak baby i can't lie when you move like that i got a one track mind ♪ ♪ 'cause i'm a freak yeah - i'm a freak 'cause i'm a freak yeah - i'm a freak ♪ ♪ from the hotel room to the dj booth on the bathroom sink - yes
tonight on "nightline," real estate wives. call them the new home wreckers, putting their family's funds on the line to construct a dream house. out of a renovation nightmare. will they flip or flop? plus, he's back. captain america, taking up the shield once again. and you've got backup. we're going behind the scenes with the super hero cast. >> hyper drive. >> and he's a kid, a 3-year-old.