tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC April 4, 2014 11:35pm-12:38am PDT
or your mobile device. have a great weekend. >> announcer: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- julia louis-dreyfus. michael pena and music from london grammar. with cleto and the cletones. and now, just so you know, here's jimmy kimmel! [ applause ] >> jimmy: welcome. i'm jimmy, the host of your show. thanks for watching.
thank you for pointing your faces at me. it's very nice, it's very sweet. i want to actually want to begin tonight for thanking so many of you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time. you may have heard. i found a tarantula in my swimming pool on sunday. big, hairy tarantula somehow found its way into the bottom of my pool and died. but needless to say, it was disturbing. i thought about moving out of state. i didn't know we had tarantulas in l.a. it seemed like the kardashians were enough here. but we do, it turns out. and this morning i'm happy to report, i removed the tarantula from my pool. in fact, i have video. >> all right, now you're about to see -- that's me.
i almost fell in. that would have been the end of my life if that had happened. but look at me, cool, fearless. so brave. my wife is videotaping this. so anyway, there it is. i scooped up the tarantula. it's been there since sunday. and i slowly brought it up because you don't want it to come flying out. >> no, no, no! jimmy, that's not funny! what is wrong with you! >> jimmy: i don't know. what is wrong with you for marrying me? i think surprise is important to keep a relationship fresh. hey, speaking of keep things fresh, there is a fresh new secret service scandal. a group of secret service agents went to amsterdam ahead of president obama's visit there monday, but three of them were sent home early after they stayed out all night drinking
and one of them was discovered passed out in the hallway of the hotel. they sent them all home and they're investigating. i don't know what the big deal is. guillermo guards me drunk every night and you don't see me complaining about it. >> that's right. >> jimmy: spring break. and by the way, maybe even a bigger question is, why does the president even need secret service protection in the netherlands. what is somebody going to do? try to tickle him with tulips? you know, i always thought the secret service agents wore sunglasses to look intimidated. turns out they're just hung over. the nfl made a big announcement yesterday that will greatly impact how players celebrate in the end zone. the league has banned players from dunking over the goal post. this is the move when a player scores a touchdown and he jumps up and pretend to dunk the ball over the crossbar? they're not allowed to do that. from now, you have to gently place the ball in the ref's hands and curtsy. touchdown celebrations are part of the fun, especially if you're at game in the stadium. and it puts the coaches in a difficult position when it comes
time to try to motivate their team. >> all right. i want you to go out there and give it everything you got. i want you to fight for every inch. and when you fight your way into the end zone, i want you to keep it inside, lock it up! bottle it up! pretend like it never happened. are you ready? >> yes! >> whoa, way too loud. keep it civilized. are you ready? >> yeah. >> no pushing, no shoving. who's the line leader today? >> too enthusiastic. 7, take us out. >> jimmy: it's a real problem. if i want to watch a sport without dunking, eel watch the wnba thank you very much. sorry, ladies. >> facebook is making another
big purchase. facebook announced they're spending $2 billion on a company called occulus vr. they make virtual reality headsets. she doesn't look crazy at all. can it still be called facebook if we won't see anyone's face anymore? it's like they duct taped an x box to her head. facebook ceo mark zuckerberg said he believes virtual reality is going to be the next big thing. he says immersive virtual reality will change the way we work, play and communicate by eliminating all three of those things. no one will ever need to go outside again. immersive virtual reality is supposed to be the most sophisticated, most cutting edge technology man will ever use exclusively to watch pornography. in toronto tonight, the first
mayoral debate of 2014, toronto mayor rob ford faced four challengers. he did well, he stayed on message even when a whole 20 seconds sweating through his suit. when rob ford ran for mayor in 2010, his slogan was stop the gravy train. then he realizes he loves gravy. and you need a train to get it there. i thought this was interesting. maybe this is the difference between our countries. none of the other candidates specifically mentioned drugs. they let mayor ford said over and over again he's the only candidate with a proven track record. also the only candidate with a proven crack record. over the course of 90 minutes, the word crack was mentioned one time and it was by a reporter, not by any of his opponents. how is that possible? do i have to do everything for you people? i don't know if they do debates differently in canada in general or this was an exception, but the whole thing was ridiculous. there was a moderator, but there were big chunks in the middle of it where they just let them go at it. >> no way. >> we're here, and as mentioned
from mayor rob ford. [ all talking at once ] >> that's not true. >> jimmy: no wonder he smoked crack. it preebls the only thing that makes the headaches go away. the nuttiest part of the debate had nothing to do with rob ford. apparently there were more than 40 people running for mayor. city news divide all the lesser known candidates to join in. they cut to this bar, they jammed all of them in there. if you thought rob ford was a character, wait till you see the rest of this group. we had some technical difficulties and were unable to -- we'll get some of this tomorrow, but watch the guy with the white beard who keeps poking his head in the background of every shot. >> their views and opinions on every issue. a few of them, some of them you may remember from their previous lives. others you have never heard of. >> he doesn't have -- >> that bottom line, i clock a lot of hours working really hard and in all those places that youth are. >> what's your main message? >> i would like to thank all the candidates who came here tonight.
i'm sorry we haven't been able to speak to all of them, but we will be hearing from them over the course of the next seven months. a very long campaign. a long way to go till next october. >> jimmy: are we supposed to wave back? last time i saw that guy, he was naked and wrestling borat in a hallway. another news that might be of special interest, the l.a. kings beat the washington capitals last night. they scored three unanswered goals in the third period to win their fourth in a row. after the game, anze kopitar told fox sports how he was able to score and provided our unintentional goal of the game pop i just figured he was going to open up and i saw some room between the legs and was able to slide it in there. >> jimmy: that was one of the best ones. oh, by the way, the dead lynn to sign up for insurance through the government health care exchange is monday. the enrollment numbers are below what the obama administration was hoping for. and according to new research,
it may be because americans know almost nothing about health care. the study showed that half of americans heard of health care exchanges and 42% of americans don't know what a deductible is. we're very, very dumb. and on top of that, we're confused. >> what's obamacare? >> how do i sign up? >> what's a deductible? >> is wifi included? >> does obamacare cover tattoo removal for pets? >> will i get reimbursed if my briefcase falls in the toilet? >> is there really a black man that's president? >> is this my baby? >> what is people? >> i'm confused. >> i'm confused. >> i'm confused. >> where are my socks? >> we're all confused. >> are we on tv?
>> the affordable health care act, paid for by whatever bit coin is. >> jimmy: that's why it's not called the understandable care act. when we come back i'm going to show you a boy who has his tooth removed via helicopter. they attached a helicopter to his face. well, you'll see. plus julia louis-dreyfus, michael pena and londonn grammar. ,, ♪ ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] the nissan altima with nasa inspired zero gravity seats. ♪ let it take the weight off your drive. ♪ nissan. innovation that excites. ♪ it's red lobster's lobsterfest! all promotions!
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facebook. he wrote, it is with great sorrow we announce our beloved 17-year-old white tiger friend and brother montecore left us and is now in white tiger heaven. boy, roy didn't hold a grudge. they didn't have a funeral with him. they just made him disappear. because they're magicians. thanks, guys. you got that, right? >> guillermo: yeah, i got it. >> jimmy: this is a forklift driver in the netherlands loading -- those are crates full of fish. loading them ton a truck but he misjudged the height of the truck. and he gets a whole pile of herring on top of him.
and that's how aquaman was born. this is good. a dad from dublin came up with a creative way to pull his son's loose tooth. instead of tying a string around the tooth. and attaching it to a doorknob or something, he tied it to a remote control he could, i guess to make it more fun for the kid. he tied one end to the helicopter and one to his tooth and it actually worked. go. don't worry. >> guillermo: jimmy, jimmy. excuse me, i have a breaking news. >> jimmy: you have a breaking news? really? where did you get breaking news? >> guillermo: you know diddy, he's changing his name back to puff daddy. >> jimmy: you're kidding me.
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tomorrow night -- jason bateman will be here. from "scandal," katie loews will be with us. and we'll have music from john legend. our first guest is the only actress in history to receive emmys for roles on three different comedy shows. tonight, right here, she goes for number four. watch the season premiere of her exceptionally funny show "veep" a week from sunday on hbo. please welcome julia louis-dreyfus. [ applause ] >> jimmy: are those prescription glasses? >> they are. i seem to have lost my eyesight. >> jimmy: have you really? they're stylish, they look good. >> are they? >> jimmy: yeah. >> yeah, i really need these now. i do.
and today, getting ready to come here, i'm looking in the mirror, and i found a gray eyebrow hair. >> jimmy: really? >> who knew your eyebrows grayed. i didn't know that. >> jimmy: is that a thing, really? >> can you see it? >> jimmy: it doesn't look gray to me. >> it's gray. take my word for it. >> jimmy: you didn't pluck it. >> no, because that's the road to ruin. they're all going to gray and isle be eyebrowless. >> jimmy: nothing worse than being eyebrowless. >> wouldn't it be funny if next final time i come on your show it's all white eyebrows. >> jimmy: or just one. sometimes women will just have the little nub. and then they paint the big surprise eyebrows. >> or they leave this part here. is that what you meant? >> jimmy: yeah, the nub. >> yeah, that's the starting
point. and then it goes like that. it's a sad look. it's halfway between human and clown. sometimes if your eyesight is really out of bounds, you have lipstick out of bounds. everybody know what is that means. it's really bad. >> jimmy: by the way, i'm so happy the deep is coming back. it's been too long. >> thank you. thank you. >> jimmy: i feel like it's -- i know it isn't realistic, but i kind of feel like it is realistic. do people in washington, d.c. follow it? >> they do. in a way that maybe is alarming. i mean, they dig it. they seem to -- and it's very nice. i recently got invited to the white house state dinner. >> jimmy: oh, wow. >> the president of france.
that was very -- actually, it was extraordinary. >> jimmy: was it really? >> i had never been to a skate dinner. and frankly, i have never been right there in the white house. well, that's not true. i was there one other time. >> jimmy: you're not under oath, don't worry. >> thank you, thank you. so i got the most awkward thing happen. because, you know, you get there and you've got so go to all the security. and then what happens is you have to wait in this portico. people line up.
and there's a sergeant of arms there and all sorts of people with medals and braids and guns and swords. and they announce you and you come out. so it would be like secretary of state john kerry and his wife theresa heinz. and so they come out in front of these people with cameras and so on. it's a real -- it feels very pomp and circumstancy. so i'm standing there. i brought my dad because my dad is from france. >> jimmy: oh. >> so we're sitting there waiting to be announced. oh, my good god, i didn't check my face and i need to get my powder. so i open up my clutch and take my powder out and i start to go like this. and the whole powder went flying -- yeah, but wait. my mac powder exploded and it was like a cartoon. there was powder all over the portico, all over the floor. and i'm down on my knees trying to pick up the little pieces. like the head of the naacp right behind me. you just go ahead, go ahead. and i turn to this guy who has the swords and he's supposed to be humorless. do you guys have a dust buster or a vacuum in. >> jimmy: nothing relaxes the secret service more than an cloud of unidentified smoke. >> powder.
unidentified powder. isn't that awful? >> jimmy: did you just exit out the service entrance or something. >> we eventually -- we got through after we -- i mean, i don't know. it was a blur. i was so embarrassed. i was like oh, my god. my dad is saying let it go. just get up. >> jimmy: did he break into the "let it go" song? so did you ever -- did you meet the president? >> yeah, we met the president of france. you go in and you go through all these different rooms. it's really quite thrilling. and there's president obama, president obama hollande and michelle obama. my father speaks fluent french. but i don't. i speak only a little bit.
what am i going to say. wracking my brain. and stephen colbert is there. he speaks a tiny bit of french. what do we say bonsoir. i said hello to president obama. i said bonsoir and i don't know what he's saying. oui, oui, oui. and i went through and then i notice my dad is still -- he's talking to him for an extended period of time. >> jimmy: uh-oh. >> yeah. and so he came back. i said what happened? what did he say? he said that was very strange. i said what? what happened? he said, he spoke french to him and he said in french something like, you know, pleasure to meet you, i'm actually from france. and the president of france said to him. why are you here? and my father said because i'm an invited guest. and then the president of france said well, why do you live in the united states if you're from france? and it was an exceptionally awkward conversation. and that was the end of that. >> jimmy: it's not like the french to be snooty. when we come back, we're going to take a clip from the new season.
it's getting started on sunday. julia louis dreyfuss is here. we'll be right back. >> announcer: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by at&t. rethink possible. ♪ boring! yeah! ♪ if you want to see old faithful ♪ ♪ don't be such a couch potato ♪ ♪ yeah just go check out the thing for yourself ♪ highlander! ♪ we ain't got no room for boring ♪ ♪ ferdy gerdy ferdy ger boom! [ cluck, cluck ] ♪ no, we ain't got no room ♪ for boring ♪ for boring, we ain't got no room ♪ ahh! [ male announcer ] the all-new highlander. toyota. [ animal ] let's go places.
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babies aren't fully developed until at least 39 weeks. a healthy baby is worth the wait. >> is that a star wars reference? a new beginning? >> no, this is actually some new beginnings, our next american journey. >> too late to change it? >> it is. yeah. >> hello. >> i think you're going to dig it. let's raise minimum wage. blind people are people, too. a very enjoyable read. complex. i'm exhausted.
global issue. i call it some new beginnings because it's plural. god bless you. et cetera. >> "veep." the season premier is sunday on hbo. what can you tell us is happening? >> celina is going to be campaigning to get the nomination. she's getting outside of washington a lot to sort of seduce the voter. actually, we shot an episode in london.
>> jimmy: was it fun doing that on location like that? >> yes, it was fun. we were staying at this lovely hotel and, you know, when we arrived there, there was just tons of papparazzi. it was problematic. i put on my glasses and, you know, put my coat -- because i look like crap. so i didn't want to be photographed. so i sort of put my head down and started to walk in. and out comes lady gaga, yeah, wearing a christmas tree on her head. and railroad tracks as shoes or something like that. >> jimmy: did it look anything like this. >> yes, yes. look! >> jimmy: was it at least christmas time. >> it was gonna be christmas. it was gonna be christmas. every day she would come out in different outfits like this. look at that. but can i just say. look at that. and she came walking down the stairs like this. >> jimmy: otherwise mona lisa's faith will get withdrawn and it will look weird. >> yeah, anna on our show has a beautiful baby. she was out there with the stroller and the baby. and lady gaga come downs the stairs and she sees the baby and she looks at her just like this and says "divine."
>> jimmy: well, that was nice. your sons grew up here in l.a.? >> yes. they're still growing up here in l.a. they're teenagers. >> jimmy: they're almost completely grown up, right? do they talk like l.a. kids do? >> oh, do you mean up speak? >> jimmy: yes, the everything at the end of the sentence. >> everything at the end of the sentence. like that. because it was a question so it would have that. these aren't questions that sound like they're questions. which my daughter does. >> like i got a perfect score on my a.c.t.'s? like that. >> jimmy: let's see who can go
the longest. do you think you can talk for a long time? you're right, that's a question. >> so far i won. i won. all right, we'll go best out of three. >> jimmy: you're really good on your show? i'm not good at it. >> you're terrible. thanks so much, it's a really fun roll for me to do? you. >> jimmy: when i watch it, i really think you're like the vice president? >> yeah, because i'm actually playing the vice president? so that's what my role is on the show?
>> jimmy: you're so lucky that you get to play the vice president? >> i notice that you keep asking me a lot about the same thing over and over? about my show and being the vice president? and i'm getting kind of bored with this conversation? >> jimmy: i know how you feel because, like, i watch you sometimes play the vice president? and when you play the vice president it's like whoa? i have that vice president thing in my pocket. >> are we continuing to do this. >> jimmy: until somebody loses, yeah. >> everybody sit back and take your shoes off. or you should say every sit back and take your shoes off? because i think we're going to be having this conversation for a long time? >> jimmy: i would really rather
people don't take their shoes off? because if they take their shoes off we'll have to smell their feet? >> and that can be really repulsive? >> jimmy: that can be so gross? >> and also if they hadn't had a pedicure or were working out right before your show and hadn't taken a shower it would be worse? >> jimmy: oh, my god, i need a pedicure so bad? >> yeah, you do? yeah, you totally do? >> jimmy: you can see through my shoes? >> i have x-ray vision? >> jimmy: i think you won that one. "veep" airs sunday april 6:00 on hbo at 10:30, right? >> we'll be right back with michael pena? ♪ ♪ ♪
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when i go in there, i want to be awesome too. so i've totally gone pro with crest pro-health. go pro with crest pro-health. the first time i tried crest pro-health it felt different, i mean it felt clean. crest pro-health protects all these areas dentists check most. i know there's been an improvement. i think she is going to like it. 4 out of 5 dentists confirmed these pro-health products helped maintain a professional clean. i've raised my game. i guess that's what happens when you go pro. go pro with crest pro-health. excuse me, did you say you want to see my teeth, oh i'm sorry. you are about to become very popular. because when you buy the new samsung galaxy s5 on verizon, you get a second samsung galaxy s5 for free. so, who ya gonna give it to? maybe your brother could use it to finally meet a girl. your mom, but isn't your love reward enough? its not. maybe your roommate, i mean you pretty much share everything else. hey. your girlfriend. just do not tell her it was free. whoever you choose, you'll both get the best devices on the number 1 ranked network. for best results, use verizon.
[female narrator] foods rich in folic acid like white bread and leafy greens can help prevent some birth defects before you even know you're pregnant. >> announcer: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by captain morgan white rum. white rum has a new captain. please drink responsibly. >> of you know, our next guest from so many great movies and tv shows. it makes me angry to even mention them. starting friday, you can see him play the title role in the new movie, "cesar chavez." please say hello to michael pena. [ applause ]
>> jimmy: i hope this doesn't offend you, but you're one of those guys, you're instantly recognizable. >> i don't know about instantly, but thank you very much. >> jimmy: for me, instantly recognizable. you play these character roles in all these different things -- well, now you have a big starring role. "million dollar baby" "american hustle" "crash" -- >> the way it started really as an -- some people get typecast at the beginning. but i swear, i was playing gang banger number five. gang banger number four. i was really stoked. one day, i swore to god, i'm going to be like like a gang leader. i would be on the phone with my mom and i was like mom, i don't know what's going on. this guy keeps getting the gang leaders.
it's okay, mijo. it's okay. you'll get it one day. when i did get it. i had a big viewing party. everybody is like yes! you're the best! really it was like i had four lines. but i was the leader. >> jimmy: you got a promotion. then when you get a character that has a name. boy. >> then "crash" came around. i was like, i would always ask my agents and my managers, does it have a number? does it have a name? when they told me about crash, you know, they said it does have a name. i was like yes! >> jimmy: where did you grow up. where are you from? >> i grew up in chicago. >> jimmy: i have to say, it's surprising to hear your accent because i assumed you had an act sent, you know, because most of the parts that you have, you pretend to have an accent. but you don't seem to have any accent at all. >> i beg to differ. i think i'm really chicago. >> jimmy: you have a chicago accent. >> yeah, yeah. i have a thick chicago accent, my friend. >> jimmy: where in chicago are
you? >> the south side of chicago. the ghetto, but i had good parents and they, you know, they treated me right. we went to church. for the parents, right? for the parents. >> jimmy: and is this what you always wanted to do? be an actor? >> no, no, i was thrown into the ring. i remember my best friend's mom said you're good at imitating people. i was like yeah, okay. and she's like why don't you go to an open call. i said no, i don't want to do that. and she made me promise her that i would go to the open call. it was the worst audition ever. i really dependent want to be there. there was three paragraphs. the first paragraph i do it, the hollywood guy has a crazy scarf and it's really hot. there's no need for the scarf, sir. put the scarf down. and he didn't listen to me. he put on another one. and so i read it and he's like this. do the next one. and i was like buddy, are you kidding me? i just read one. he said do the next one. then he made me do it. he was like can you come back again?
>> i don't want to come back. he said you realize you could be in the movie. huh? i'll see you back here. i just thought people read once and they got the part. >> jimmy: is your family excited about the fact that you are now a star? >> i mean i'm an actor. my brother is -- in the past, he used to -- he partied. he wanted to be single. >> jimmy: older or younger? >> he's older. >> jimmy: okay. >> and i remember the first time, like, you know, crash came out and was a big deal for me. and then world trade center came out and i was doing movie with nik cage. couldn't believe it. my brother called me up at 5:00 in the morning. 3:00 in the morning my time. i mean the opposite. he said mike, mike, i really need you to call me, mike. oh, no, what's going on. i called him back. mike, i need nick cage's number right now, mike. what do you need it for? he says well, he's at a club, and i need to have beers with him. well, why don't you just go up
to him and say i'm doing a movie with -- you're doing a movie with my brother i would like to have some beers. he was like you got to have class, mike. that's not classy. >> it's a great lesson. >> jimmy: there's nothing classier to calling someone at 3:00 in the morning asking them to have beers. did he approach nick cage? >> not at all. >> jimmy: did you have nick cage's number? >> i don't even have nick cage's assistant number. >> jimmy: do you find people know much about cesar chavez? >> they always say there's a street named cesar chavez. >> that's what my dad said. he said the boxer? no, not the boxer. the civil rights activist. >> jimmy: do you look like him physically. is that him on your -- >> that's him. yeah -- whoa, sorry. >> jimmy: you don't really look like him. >> i just did end of watch. took me four months.
>> jimmy: that is a good movie. >> thank you. thank you so much. >> jimmy: they dependent want to interrupt. . >> you guys are really paying attention to me. i remember meeting the director. he said i need you to gain a little bit of weight. no problem. five pounds, what you need five pounds? seven pounds i give you eight. he's like no, no, we settle at, like, 20 pounds. i went to mexico -- i know. >> jimmy: how did you do it? we hear all these stories about actors losing weight and getting into great shape. when the dream call comes in and they say we need you to gain 20 pounds, are you like the rat in charlotte's web? how does it work? >> i did not like it at all. for the first time in like, you
know, i had a six pack. and i was like the mexican matthew mcconaughey. you need me to take my shirt off? because i will. so i really didn't want to do that because it's hard tor get there. and then when i got there, finally 20 pounds. i looked like i had two steaks just flapping around. i think you need to gain a little bit more, man. >> jimmy: what did you eat? >> in mexico it's real easy to gain weight. it's not very hard. you just look at foot and you gain weight. everything is fried and refried. but then i got a taste for it. hey if there's any -- can i get this refried. she's like no problem. so i was eating doughnuts for my art. i was eating pancakes. i didn't know how to call them in spanish. then i started to have a couple of beers at night. for my art.
>> jimmy: not for your heart, but for your art. congratulations on the movie. it's called "cesar chavez." it hopes in theatres on friday. michael pena, everybody. we'll be right back with london grammar. ,, >> announcer: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by at&t. rethink possible. hey! have you ever tried honey nut cheerios? love 'em. neat! now you on the other hand... you need some help. why? look atchya. what is that? you mean my honey wand? [ shouting ] [ splat ] come on. matter of fact. [ rustling ] shirt. shoes. shades.
,, >> i would like to apologize to matt damon. we did run out of time. "nightline" is coming up next. but first, this is their album. it's called "if you wait." it came out yesterday. here with the song "strong" london grammar! ♪ excuse me for a while while i'm wide-eyed and i'm so down caught in the middle ♪ ♪ i've excused you for a while while i'm wide-eyed and i'm so
down caught in the middle ♪ ♪ and a lion a lion roars would you not listen ♪ ♪ if a child a child cries would you not forgive them ♪ ♪ yeah i might seem so strong yeah i might speak so long i've never been so wrong ♪ ♪ yeah i might seem so strong yeah i might speak so long i've never been so wrong ♪ ♪ excuse me for a while turn a blind eye with a stare caught right in the middle ♪ ♪ have you wondered for a while i have a feeling deep down you're caught in the middle ♪ ♪ if a lion a lion roars would
>> this is "nightline." tonight -- >> i like to use a knife. a gun is too noisy. >> he's called the most notorious serial killer in the country. >> first time i killed somebody, it was such a rush. >> addicted to murder. inside the mind of a monster. and selfiesnafu. flirting with asking out an underaged fan. now, the damage control. >> i used bad judgment and i learned my lesson. >> plus, they might be the cutest animals ever. the search of these rare and cuddly creatures. but first, the "nightline" top 5 which starts right now.