tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC August 3, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
we appreciate your time. i'm dshl. >> i'm kristen sze. right >> jimmy: >>. i. i love mexico! >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, robert pattinson, from marvel's the defenders, mike colter, this week in unnecessary censorship, and comedian casey james salengo, and now stop what you're doing, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: very nice, thank you,
everyone. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thanks for watching. thanks for coming. very nice. everybody okay? can i get anyone a mango or anything? how many of you are on vacation right now? [ cheers ] president trump is about to go on vacation. i don't know if you know. he's off for two blissful weeks on the island of covfefe. he's going to his trump golf resort in new jersey. some people are angry he's taking vacation for two weeks. i think it is a good thing. i mean, we'll still have a country for two more weeks. that's not a bad -- [ cheers and applause ] before he slips into those size 46 van hughesen golf pants, the president made a stop in west virginia to pound his chest for a large crowd oc
supporters. earlier today, he teased that he would be making a big announcement. he doesn't just make an announcement. first he announces he's going to make an announcement. then the announcement gets announced. before the announcement, the president had a few the crowd o fired up. ♪ american exports of coal are year. did you ever hear of anything like that? so the big announcement they were all excited with b was that the governor of west virginia, jim justice, was swimming parties from democrat to republican. and he has a lot in common with the president. they're both former democrats who switched parties because
they love donald trump. so now they're on the same team. if ever there was a time to jump on board a party train with a president, this right nowsit i. in american history. this is interesting. even though the president has made a disappointment in hesonss very clear, the new white house chief of staff, john kelly, called jeff sessions specifically to tell him his job is safe. so he's fired. right? if i'm part of the trump administration and somebody goes out of their way to say i'm on monster.com the minute i hang up the phone. john kelly, before he was chief of staff, he ran the department of homeland security. now they need someone to fill his old spot and that someone could be our old pal, rick perry, who is currently secretary of energy. if he takes this job, and i hope you're listening, isis, if you dare try attack america, you'll have to go through this guy first.
♪ new york is where i'd rather stay ♪ ♪ i get allergic smelling hay >> jimmy: i have a general rule of thumb which ever been eliminated from "dancing with the stars," you should benng the department of homeland security. but to rick perry's credit, he promised if he does get had job, he'll wear not one but two pairs of smart guy glasses. meanwhile, you remember anthony scaramucci? you won't in a couple of weeks. but for now, the mooch, for whatever reason, sent cnn a meme go. the first item on his to do list was to meet with the chief of staff, john kelly, which he did, and at that meeting, kelly fired him. so maybe he shouldn't have done that first. i would havwaerd p tuthe bottom. he wanted to improve relations with the press and part of his
plan was box for members of the media to air their grievances. the white house or a cracker barrel. what's going on? scaramucci also wanted to take steps to humanize donald trump. i don't know about that. if anything, donald trump is too human. no one is like, there president is so guarded. i wish we could get to know the real donald trump. this is not a joke. while the president is on vacation, workers will be busy repairing water leaks that are coming from the ceiling of the white house. trump has had a lot of problem with leaks. you know on the apprentice too. football season is more than a month away. the patriots, their fans already have a tom brady based controversy to rally around. deface gate. >> it is only the second day of business for boston's brand new watch museum and locals are
already giving a friendly welcome. >> i like the place. brady doesn't look like brady though. >> it doesn't look like him. >> it looks like he hasn't elementary school since 2001. >> i think it does. i know a lot of people actually know mr. brady and they say it looks like him. >> let's be honest, there is no way none of them could be perfect. >> the only one i think is perfect is snoop dog. >> he's good. >> no, he isn't. if you think that snoop is good, you have to be higher than he is. it looks more like rihanna than snoop. that's supposed to be president obama. that's supposed to be president trump. this, i guess, it took me a while but i think this is supposed to be ben affleck. it looks like a mid 1980s kory hart. and on, there let's not waste the watch. tom brady is the one people are
upset about. it looks more like the guy at the bar who tells you he's tom brady's counsel because he wants to have sex with you. today happens to be tommy touchdown's birthday. he turned 40 years old today. one of, if not the greatest quarterback of all time. to honor him on this milestone day, a local second grader has agreed to pay a very special tribute to a very special guy. kai? >> hi, i'm tom brady. and today is my 40th birthday. i don't need to make a wish because i have five super rings and i'm b married tlo a sr model. i'm so pretty, matt damon wants to marry me! what a jerk!
some people call me a cheater. they give me names like brady the flater and cheater the cheat face. but i don't care. because when i look in the mirror, i see this beautiful face. hey, jimmy -- >> jimmy: yeah. >> catch! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: is that it? >> touchdown, go pats! >> jimmy: all right. all right, thank you.
all right. there you go. all right. thank you. we're going to take a break. when we come back, we have a summer movie review, a sneak peek at our new baby bachelor spinoff show and this week in unnecessary censorship, it's all happening. we'll be right back. on mi came across this housentry with water dripping from the ceiling. you never know when something like this will happen. so let the geico insurance agency help you with homeowners insurance and protect yourself from things like fire, theft, or in this case, water damage. cannonball! now if i had to guess, i'd say somewhere upstairs there's a broken pipe. let the geico insurance agency help you with homeowners insurance. call today to see how much you could save.
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in the town of howell, his movie going experience was d on 't to go a theater and excuse me, play with yourself. >> that's exactly what police say happened last friday during the opening day of the emoji local law enforcement this afternoon put out this image of the man they say is the suspect, asking for the public's assistance in identifying that man. >> wait a second, that's exactly who that is. the governor of new jersey, chris christie. redac f edyou. i love that of all the movies to unzip your pants on, he picked the emoji movie. when that sexy smiley face with the long eyelashes pops onscreen, what are you supposed to do? maybe he did it because he knew he would be alone at the theater at the emoji theater. when you go to the mo,esvi keep your plants. we may have a number one movie
this weekend. the much anticipated film adaptation of the dark tower tomorrow we asked our friend to give us his thoughts. here's yaya talking about the movie, the dark tower. >> action! i talk about the summer movie, the summer movie behind me is called dark to war. the movie talk about the cowboy, like he remind me of clitt estud. the big monkey with the cheek, the big, -- >> bang. >> the elbow. >> he is in a lot of movie. i don't say no more for him.
like the bad guy, he is in the movie and he is like the guy, he do the movie, you know, matthew, he is in the movie magic mountain and he did the movie keeight and he have aids, long time. he won oscar, all right, all right, all right. all right, all right, all right. all right, all right, all right. >> he's like the devil, isn't he? >> no. he's worse. >> go see the movie, i don't see the movie, have good summer. like some people go to swimming pool in floridaode innd a thed in the pool, go to the ocean, you find sharg in the ocean, the people don't know how to swim and he die and have a good summer. people go to the mountain. the tiger up to him and he come
like that, up to him. and have a good summer. cut! >> thanks. >> jimmy: oh, boy. i want to mention on monday night on abc we have the season finale of the bachelorette. we finally get to meet the guy rachel will be engaged to for six months and 11 days. not only is monday the finale, it is the night on which we add a new addition to the bachelor family. we've given you the baby bax lore, the babe bachelorette, and starting monday we take one mor. >> this week, the summer is almost over but the romance is just bgieebeng.nn waiting for your whole life. all the passion -- >> your hair is really messy.
>> all the drama. >> my husband. get out of here. he doesn't want you. >> all the fighting. all the t tantrums. >> no, no! >> all of this and more on the most shocking first season on the baby bachelor paradise ever. >> jimmy: also the only season. you will see that all starting monday night. and one more thing before we forge ahead, it's thursday which means it's time to bleep and blur. is tim forhiseek in unnecessary censorship. >> this is a strange question. have you ever loved something so much, you just had to stick [ bleep ] in your mouth? >> yeah. vowed to [ bleep ]. ago, >> let me ask but john kelly's
first day on the job. he is a military guy. he knows what [ bleep ] smells like. >> queen elizabeth -- four [ bleep ] a day. get it, girl! >> we've been able to start [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. let's call it [ bleep ] it in the [ bleep ]. >> immigrants are contributing to our country every single day. they're [ bleep ] our food. >> as always your favorite time of day, i'll come back up and [ bleep ]. >> i heard the word [ bleep ]. is that true? >> you are correct, dan. when he was arrested, his car was set on fire where we're hearing word he may have set his own [ bleep ] on fire. >> the president has reptedly [ bleep ] me. wave good relationship but [ bleep ] him just about every day. several times a week, he calls me late at night, on the weekends. >> jimmy: tonight on the show,
mike colter, comedian casey james salengo is with us. we'll be right back with robert pattinson. [ rseech >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by lay's. buy and try the 2017 "do us a flavor" finalists and vote for your favorite at lays.com. dad kinda walked into my swing. huh? don't you mean dad kind of ruined our hawaii fund? i thud go to the thothpital. there goes the airfair. i don't think health insurance will cover all... of that. buth my fathe! without that cash from - aflac! - we might have to choose between hawaii or your face. hawaii! what? hahaai aw.h thi!an you think. visit aflac.com and keep your lifestyle healthy. aflac! [siri tone] the rock: hey siri, read my schedule. [crash] [tires squeal] ♪ rock. [siri tone] merci, gimme some. ♪ hey siri, take a selfie.
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>> jimmy: hi there, welcome back to the show. tonight, from the new marvel show "the defenders" on netflix, mike colter is here. he plays luke cage. then, he's got his own special coming to comedy central, comedian casey james salengo is here with us. next week, we have new shows with matt leblanc, milo ventimiglia, jim parsons, john lithgow, emily ratajkowski, damson idris, jay baruchel, plus music from the war on drugs, lindsey stirling, diana krall, and vince staples featuring juicy j. so please join us for all of that. our first guest is a very talented and internationally beloved englishman who is an actor, not a vampire. that needs to be made clear. you are not in danger. his new movie, "good time" opens in select cities august 11th, y.
please welcome robert pattinson. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: so good to see you. >> how is it going? good to see you. >> jimmy: i was just talking to a guy in the audience who is a substitute teacher in las vegas. do they have six toot teachers in england? they come in one day while the teacher pre tends to be home sick? >> yes, i actually talked one of them into leaving by locking her in a cupboard. the first day. >> jimmy: what grade were you in? >> 12th. i mean, a lot of people locked her in the cupboard.
>> jimmy: a lot of people? at once or each day? >> all at once. >> yeah. >> you pushed her in the cupboard and locked her in? >> yeah. >> jimmy: what prompted horrible deed? >> i can't remember. >> jimmy: then did everybody leave the class and she was in the empty room in the cupboard? >> stay quiet! >> jimmy: we imagine that english kids are, like we see like the prince's children and wednesday they're all like that. they're wearing nickers and little knee socks and behaving beautifully. the truth is very different, isn't it? >> do people say knickers in america? >> jimmy: no. we don't but i thought you did. >> nickers is a good one of the i like that. >> jimmy: is that not a thing? >> th..ahye >> jimmy: how are you doing? i think the last time you were here was a few years ago and at that time, you said at one time
you are living ublds an arch way in venice. and another time you said the only piece of furniture was an inflatable pool raft or something. are you still homeless? or what's going on with you? >> no. i'm actually getting my curtains rehemmed. >> jimmy: rehemmed? when you go for rehelming, that's when you know you've moved in. congratulations on the curtains. that's great news. and everything else is good for you? when you were here, you seemed uncomfortable being interviewed. it seems like you've gotten more comfortable over the years. have you? or no? >> i don't know. well, i've always been comfortable on this show. sort of. >> jimmy: i was very surprised to hear you a couple weeks agor listen to every day. and that's a show that you do
these, he does very in depth interviews. he goes really deep with people. and i would think that would be the guy, the one guy would you avoid talking to. >> it was terrifying. absolutely terrifying. like so much anxiety. i had a huge crash. my car is so lame.e to have -- >> jimmy: so you forgot -- >> the last time with howard was the whole team and how big [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: right definitely we ever get to the bottom of that or no? >> it's really nice. he is a really sweet guy. it's lovely. >> jimmy: and i thought you had a great conversation with him. did you say anything though? howard has a way of making people reveal things about themselves and sometimes after the show, they'll say, why did i say that? i was in some kind of trance. did you say anything?
>> i don't think so. as soon as it happened, it's gone. >> jimmy: you didn't listen back to it? you haven't read the transcript and any legal papers or anything like that? >> no, no. >> jimmy: i saw your movie. you do a new yorki' a very crit. i was born in brooklyn so i know what they're supposed to sound like. you really hit it on the head. >> thanks. >> jimmy: i want to talk about this movie. you got the directors of the film, i found out, are brothers. and they hadn't really done anything at all before, right? >> they've done a few things. >> jimmy: let's go with they've done nothing. it makes you look better. like you really discovered they will. >> a bunch of really amazing movies and an amazing lny cook, the basketball player, which is incredible player. they weren't fully -- my agents didn't know they will. that's the only way i can tell
about the outside world. >> jimmy: you knew anything of them? >> no. not at all. i literally just saw a photograph on the indy wire. i keep plugging indy wire all the time. >> jimmy: based on a still photograph, you were interested in them? >> yeah. >> jimmy: what was in the photograph? >> it was just a frame from their last movie. and it kind of -- i don't know. i sort of fell in love with the photograph. and this movie wasn't a movie. it was just, nothing. they were making something else. and then we did a meeting and i was kind of, i just overwhelmed them with enthusiasm. >> jimmy: and they said okay, we'll come up with something. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: this is like tinder. you saw a picture and you said i like that. you swiped whatever way you swipe and the next thing you know, you made a movie together happened. >> jimmy: this is a photograph the director took. that's you in what appears to be a dog cage. >> yeah.
>> jimmy: why are you -- are things that rough? no drapes or anything there. >> no drapes. no, that was the dog from the movie. he was pissed at the end of the bed, furious. i just realized the story which i hadn't told. i don't know if i can say it. >> jimmy: say it. >> essentially, a lot of things in this movie which really crossed the line of legality. it's not even -- it's way beyond the line. >> jimmy: then let's take a commercial break. like ryan seacrest used to do, and we'll hear this horrible illegal thing they did with the dog for this movie, good time. robert pattinson is here.
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you cry? would you like that? >> they told me i had to do this. >> let's go, let's go! >> something. this is my work. this is my stuff. >> shame on you. you're not helping. >> shame on you. >> shame on you. >> jimmy: that's robert p pattinson in good time. the guy who is sitting, the patient, i guess, in that situation, is one of the directors of the film. and did he a great job acting. >> amazing. >> jimmy: is he even an actor? >> he's acted in little things. he's incredible. and he was co-directing and also holding the boom and editing it. and he just had a baby the week before he started shooting as well. unbelievable. >> jimmy: you got a six-minute standing ovation at the film festival. >> you have a spotlight out. after a while you're hearing the
clapping but only seeing the people in the movie clapping. we might just be continuing this ovation just for ourselves? which may have been the case? are we supposed to be clapping? no, it was amazing. >> jimmy: six is a lot of minutes. at the three-minute mark, okay. i would rather everybody sit down at this point. >> and people can boo for the same amount of time as well. and you have to just sit there and take it. >> jimmy: have you been in a situation where they booed? >> i haven't personally. but i've heard about it. i know people who have had the experience as .we wow! they'll boo the filmmakers afterwards. based on the movie just sucking? or based on something they did not like in the film? ha t>>point. you either get the ovation or you get booed. it is so exciting. >> jimmy: wow, it's like wrestling. so tell us what happened with the dog now.
so there's this big dog. >> it's a big dog and there was sadly a different dog which was cast who is this big dog's son, who died just before. >> jimmy: oh! so he never got his big break. he never got a chance tow is a himself. he never got a chance to pee on >> setrpca. one-eyed father, th huge, huge dog. there was don't know if i should say this. but it's like my character has this affinity with dogs and he thinks he is a dog in a previous life and he thinks he has control over animals and stuff. there's this one scene which we shot which was basically, there's a drug dealer who busts in to the room. and i was sleeping with the dog. and basically giving dog a [ bleep ]. and we asked if we >> jimmy: that was what you
were, you the actor, robert pattinson the actoring? or the character? >> it was a character thing. but also, i asked the trainer. we were like, the director was like, do it for real, man. don't be a [ bleep ]. andhen the dog's owner was like, he's a breeder. you can. you just got toinde osa mf his . >> jimmy: wow! just massage -- >> just massage the inside of his thighs. i didn't agree to do the real one. >> jimmy: you made a fake dog penis? wow, hollywood is a great place. if you get a chance to send your kids to film school -- [ laughter ] >> it is fun. it will be on the dvd. >> jimmy: it is very good to see you. congratulations on the movie. it's excellent. "good time" opens in limited release august 11th, and nation-wide ont usug.th25
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>> jimmy: hi, everyone. still to come, casey james salengo. last fall, our next guest's show actually caused netflix to crash. we were living in a stone age nightmare for two hours straight. now he is back as luke cage in "marvel's the defenders," available on netflix starting august 18th. please welcome mike colter. [ cheers and applause ] >> how are you doing? >> i'll doing well. >> jimmy: where are you from? >> st. matthews. a small, small town. >> jimmy: how many people live there? >> about 2,000. including the ones in the woods. >> jimmy: oh, really. one of those deals, huh? did your parents tell you to stay away from the woods people?
>> they said stay away from the woods but we were in the woods. we're just less woods, i guess? there's a clearing of sorts. >> jimmy: you cleared a little rectangle. >> you can see the house. >> jimmy: is it hard to get away with anything when you're in a i tthlettat? you probably know every person there. >> you're kind of living off your town's reputation. everyone knows your family's last name. if your last name means something good, you're stuck with that. if it means something bad, you're stuck with that. i rode the coat tails of my family. they were pretty good people. until one day, i have coming from someplace. i hit a person in the back with a small truck. my brother-in-law's truck. i bent the bumper. i pulled over. and the cop got my license. he was a restroom state trooper. he wasn't a local guy. about 20 minutes later, a local guy, he shows up and he says we got your son. i forgot the license has your
address on it. i was 17. come. on i didn't know. he came to my mom and said your son hit someone. you don't let it happen again. it was that kind of town. >> jimmy: so it's a hit and run type of town. >> exactly. >> jimmy: does your whole family have this great voice that snuf. >> it's a colter man thing, yeah. >> jimmy: were you able toha size? >> when i was in high school, i think the first gig i had was like an announcer. difference guy who got on to the intercome and would tell they will, the sports, the weather, who was on the only had roll, who had good grades. >> jimmy: how would it go? would the principal throw it to you? >> yeah. the principal would start. then the guidance counsellor would say some stuff. it was my gig. i took it seriously. i would rehearse and it look at it. i would talk about it and then i would say what was written. and i would get off the air. and i realized, this is kind op.
it is a responsibility thing. this is something that feels right. it was my first foray -- >> jimmy: when you did the announcements or you would leave the office and walk into your classroom, did people lirks oh, hey. >> oh, yeah. i could see. i could start to see the difference. i was feeling myself, yeah. >> jimmy: were you evolved as a child? >> i was going to say, i have hair envy a lot. >> jimmy: he has very good hair. >> no, i started this when i was like 20, about 23 or so. >> that's a ballsy thing to do. to go, i'm going on shave this head. >> notici had no choice. one day my girlfriend, now my wife, she looked outside and she noticed that i was thinning on the top. so when i came back in, she said, i don't know how to fwlaek to you but i can see your scalp. i'm like, you can see my scalp?
yeah. so i looked down. wow! >> jimmy: wouldn't it have been easier just to get a ground level apartment? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: if only i had been there. >> 20 years, look what happened. >> jimmy: what was your big break movie wise? >> well, my first big movie was million-dollar baby. >> jimmy: oh, okay. [ applause ] what were you in that? >> big are willy little. as soon as the movie opens up, you see emn fighting. clint eastwood is my trainer. i win and long story short, i don't stay in the movie long enough. because hillary comes in and you know the rest. but it was a great big break for i was so happy. the first time i met clint. he came to the trailer, i had never met him before because during auditions, you never see him. he just sees the tapes. a great experience for actors.
he can make you nervous. he comes into the trailer and he is eating a banana. coolest thing i've seen. clint eastwood eating a banana. all could i get in my head was any which way but loose. and that's all i could get. the orangutan and the movie. i plikd movie a lot. i thought about it and i said i'm not going to say that to him. >> jimmy: that's probably where he learned to eat a banana. the orangutan. and for those who didn't, like me, spend their childhoods under their beds reading comic books, explain luke. >> he is bullet proof, super strength, he can withstand heat, fire, cold, endurance, he can run a long way very fast without getting tired. >> jimmy: and the defenders are a group of super heroes like the avengers. it is like the avengers but with [ bleep ] compartments. >> exactly. that's the perfect tag line.
again, where were you? where were you? i could have helped you out. >> jimmy: from here on out, don't worry. >> no. this is it right here. >> jimmy: is it fun food with all the other -- who are the other -- >> charlie cox, christian ridder, and we all form the defenders. we all hang out in new york. we have pretty common lives. we don't wear costumes except for dare devil. he wears them because that's his thing snooflt dare devil doesn't know he's wearing a costume. >> he knows it when he meets us. what are these little -- what's going on? >> jimmy: i can't wait to see it. it is a netflix show. and netflix is the best place to be a super hero. you get to not only beat people bloody but you get to have specs superman never gets to do. yeah, yeah. >> we have sex, we use the bathroom, we eat, it's fun. we use the subway system. >> jimmy: if you want to see
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>> jimmy: our next guest is a very funny man. his first special premieres this fall on comedy central. please welcome casey james salengo! [ cheers and applause ] >> how are you doing, los angeles? that's what i like the hear. this is a beautiful city you have here. congratulations. i come from a long line of dul, dirty white trash. just disgusting, people crawling their way out of a tree. when people hear i'm white trash, they assume i grew up in a trailer. that sounds delightful. i lived in an rv. i would go to my friends' houses with trailers like, well
la-di-da. didn't know i was friends with the queen of france. what do you call this? that's a door. oh they put doors inside now? you got a multiple door household? too good for vinyl room dividers? in a trailer you can hear your parents having sex, in an rv you can feel their heartbeats. i don't like it either, folks. i'm sorry. i live in new york city now. it's great. buildings and stuff. it's much different. it's very liberal. i had my first heterophobic moment recently. i walked up to this building, and a man and woman were making out real hard. getting after it. grinding face. in my might be i was like, what the hell? you gotta do this in the middle of the day? there's kids around, get inside! then i got closer, and saw it
wasn't a man and woman, it was a man and another man with long hair, and immediately was like, oh that's great! yeah! yeah, boys! come on, kids, come back. hey, come here. that's what we call progress. i'm trying to date in the city now. it's hard in new york city, ladies, very spooky. very scary. i've been on the apps. you guys know bumble? that's the one where the girls talk to you first, allegedly. i've yet to unlock that feature. must have to upgrade my phone or something. i don't know what's going on. it's funny when you get on the apps. you can tell how long these girls have been on these apps by how mean and specific their bio
is. a girl who just got on there like i'm from california. i like horses. a girl who's been on there a while will be like, no weirdos, no creeps, no mamas boys! no zookeepers, no mennonites! no libras, no kevin's! we'll go for one drink, you don't look at me, and my friend cheryl is coming! sounds too good to be true. i can't believe you're still around! i'm a bit of a partier. i like smoking a doob here and there too. you're high, i can see it. i realized recently i like smoking alone more. when i smoke with friends everyone is like yeah, cool, alright. i'm more like, hello?
is there somebody there? you have to tell me if you're there. that's entrapment. i get parent paranoid. it makes me so paranoid i can't be around people wearing windbreakers because it sounds like they're whispering secrets. they're like, shhh! [ whispering ] say it to my face! it's been a pleasure. i'm casey james salengo! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you! casey james salengo! i'd like to thank my guests, and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. we're really sorry. "nightline" is next. good night! [ cheers and applause ]
♪ // this is "nightline." r>>p >> tonight, stepsi cir city city in need r>>p >> tonight, stepsi cir city city in nee of. >> we are making music with our bodies. >> stepping out from lifetime of hardship and giving it all for their craft and one another. >> they can make it through life. >> plus, breaking bieber. the superstar, i'm the one singer unexpectedly canceling his tour. why he says this is the best move for his career. meanwhile, kanye west in a battle over his missed shows. could he really be owed millions? and tonight the daring rescue. a terrifying 30 minutes after a bungi