tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC March 28, 2020 12:05am-1:07am PDT
♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thank you for watching, thank you for coming. thank you for joining us on what is a day of reflection for catholics. if you see someone's with ashes on it, either they're catholic or they put out a cigarette on their forehead. have you given anything up for lent? >> guillermo: weed, jimmy. >> jimmy: wheat? did you say wheat? >> guillermo: no, i said smoking weed. >> jimmy: i didn't even know you did that. if you're looking for something to give up for the next 40 days. pope francis has an idea. he's encouraged us to stop insulting people online. it's a time to give up useless words, gossip, rumors, tittle-tattle. i'm with him on all but the tittle-tattle. please, stop mean tweeting the pope.
i wonder what prompted the pope to pick up this particular subject, i wonder if he was on twitter and read that just learned that pope francis was a virgin? send him a direct message if you must. i hope the pope didn't watch the debate last night. because the democrats engaged in a good deal of tittle-tattle. last night in charleston, south carolina. it was a mess of a debate. if you didn't see it, this is what you missed. [ talking simultaneously ] >> fighting for my [ bleep ] life. y'all killin' me with this. >> watching the democratic debate right here on cbs. >> jimmy: i think senator kelly has a shot. last shot. they were waving their hands in
the air like they just don't care. and in a way, it helped moderators keep it moving. ♪ >> a few key debate questions before we start, to save time please answer by raising your hand. does everyone understand? great. did everyone use the bathroom? does anyone still need to use the bathroom? senator sanders, you're going to have to hold it. okay. would anyone like to tell mayor bloomberg to screw himself? very good. and who ordered the pastrami? kwhik chicken breast? the caviar? a jar of mayonnaise? this salad with a comb in it? senator klobuchar. lastly, is there anyone who knows they shouldn't be here? thank you. good-bye. okay, then. let's begin.
♪ >> jimmy: mike bloomberg had a better showing than he did at the last debate and somehow managed to buy two commercials during the debate. mike bloomberg has now put more than $500 million into his campaign. even if he doesn't win the nomination he says he's prepared to spend hundreds of millions of dollars to beat trump. team sanders says taking money from bloomberg is a hard no. has any no from sanders ever been a soft no? he gives a hard no to trick-or-treaters. we have no sugar daddies! what if bernie took $300,000 from bloomberg hooked up with a stripper and moved to the cayman islands. wouldn't that be a hell of a plot twist to all of this? trump would be so jealous for sure. this debate was all over the news nationally, but especially in south carolina.
and i want to congratulate danielle seat of the wmbf news team in myrtle beach whose coverage of the debate made her this week's winner of the award for excellence in reporting. >> great tv's danielle seat joins us from charleston with what we need to know ahead of tonight. good morning, danielle. >> [ bleep ]. >> well, all eyes will certainly be on charleston. >> jimmy: you know, her hair looked good. and that's what really matters. the big winner last night at the debate, according to donald trump, was donald trump. the president watched the debates on his way home from india. he's flying jetblue, and they have the tv. this morning he tapped out a two-part review. part two said pocahontas was mean and undisciplined, mostly aiming at crazy bernie and mini mike. they don't know how to handle her, but i know she is a chocker.
he misspelled choker. i think he was quoting his own misspelling from 2018 when he called marco rubio a chocker. or maybe he was jocking. i don't know. and then the vice poodle piled on the democrats. mike pence was in michigan last night at a keep america great rally, speaking to a group of farmers for whom he compared what's going on with the democrats right now to a demolition derby. >> i mean, i grew up in a small town. county fair comes to town, right? everybody with the crummiest cars in town would drive them into the infield and crash them into each other until only one was driving. so now you have all these democrats with the crummiest ideas in politics smashing into each other and eventually, there'll still be one running. but i think we all know how this is going to end. there's going to be a monster
truck with a t on the hood that's going to drive into the infield and roll over the top of them! >> jimmy: that's just what the country needs right now, a monster truck rolling over top of us. long live president truck-a-saurus. and, if the monster truck doesn't get us, this coronavirus will. this coronavirus is starting to make people nervous. this could be the fastest spreading virus from asia since "gangnam style," which is scary. it's already having an impact locally, even the masked singer is wearing an extra mask now. we do our show in the heart of hollywood. and this is a place teeming with the dirtiest super heroes. from all over the world. any neighborhood is going to get coronavirus. we're in prime corona zona right here. health officials are warning to avoid physical contact with other people. people in japan are less at risk because their traditional greeting is a bow. we, for whatever reason, are
sticking with the hand shake. i'm giving up the handshake for lent. it doesn't mean i'm going to be not friendly. i came up with the patella hello. and guillermo and i are going to demonstrate it. let's say guillermo and i have run into each other on the street, and i say hello, guillermo, right? it's good. and then if we really, it's like a fist bump with your knee, and if you really like somebody, say hello, guillermo. there you go. go back to your spot. and all you have to do, and all you have to do at the end of the day is make sure to wash your pants, that's all. the president is doing everything he can to calm this nation's nerves. this morning he tweeted my fellow americans, while i know this is an uneasy time, trust that your representatives in washington are working around the clock with the world's best scientists to protect you and your family from this terrible disease.
when we band together we are strong. he didn't write that? oh, no, he wrote this. oh, low ratings fake news msdnc, comcast, and cnn are doing everything possible to make the coronavirus look as bad as possible. include be panicking markets. why is the media only focussing on the negative side of the coronavirus? it's so biassed. this is part of his, if you can't spell it you can't catch it campaign. he's especially worried about this, not just because of the stock market which is key to his reelection but also because he realized how hard it will be to eat a bacon cheeseburger through a face mask. today he held a press conference to again reassure us that he has this virus completely under control. [ indiscernible ]
>> jimmy: he gave a rambling presentation today. of course he congratulated himself for his actions so far. and he down-played the virus. he said the flu kills a lot more people than the coronavirus. so i guess we shouldn't worry. i don't know, alligators have killed more people, too. but it doesn't mean we should jump in the swamp. he showed the list showing the united states is ranked number one on a list of countries most prepared for this sort of thing, and then the president announced who he's putting in charge of fighting this virus. >> he's really very expert at the field. and what i've done is i'm going to be announcing exactly right now that i'm going to be putting our vice president mike pence in charge. >> didn't it seem pence didn't know that was going to happen? i hope the virus isn't spread by kissing ass, because if it is, they've got the wrong guy. seriously.
[cheers and applause] mike pence is in trouble. why is mike pence, why is mike pence in charge? what is his plan to stop the virus? abstinence? i think trump might be trying to kill him. i really do. ted cruz posted something interesting. ted cruz tweeted a segment, video, that he likely didn't realize was from our show. about two years ago we went out and asked people, we asked random people passing by if they could name a country on a map we set up. and many of them could not name a country. it had nothing to do with their political affiliation, but ted cruz posted and wrote, this is bernie's base, the same base that tell pollsters socialism is great because free stuff is cool. and they have no ideas how many countries have tried it and failed. the guys talking about facts, truth and substance made that up. they were not bernie supporters. bernie wasn't even running when we shot this. but in fairness to sweaty teddy, we decided to revisit the subject.
we went out on the street and asked people who do not support bernie sanders, in fact, quite the opposite. we asked them to name a country, any country, and this is how they did. ♪ >> are you a registered democrat? >> republican. >> republican. can you name a country on this map? >> i believe that's africa. >> nope. >> russia? >> no. that's china. anything over here? >> basically, europe. >> where's europe? >> don't know. >> are you a democrat by chance? >> i am not. >> can you name a country on this map? >> asia, or africa. >> that's a continent. >> oh. hey. >> can you name a country in africa? >> no. >> do you support the president? >> yeah. >> can you name a country on this map? >> um. >> how about this? no.
>> how about this country? anything here? >> no. >> anything here? >> no. >> how about this country? >> i don't know. >> can you name a country on this map? >> what? >> just any country. >> i don't know. >> how about this? >> i don't know what that is. >> how about this? >> texas. no, india. i don't know. >> can you point to a country on this map? >> ussr. >> russia now. >> yes. >> can you point to it? >> no, that's china. >> all righty, my fault. >> are you a democrat or republican? >> republican. most definitely. >> can you name a country on this map? >> mexico. right down here. >> no, that's india. what's this? >> that would be asia. >> no, that's africa. how about this? here?
any over here? what about this continent? >> i have no ideal. >> how about anything over here? >> this is confusing. >> what about this. >> pacific. >> oh, yes, yes, yes. what is this? >> i don't know. >> how about this? >> i don't know. >> nope. >> this? >> no. >> this? >> nope. >> this? >> nope. nothing. >> do you support ted cruz? >> yes. >> yes. >> jimmy: all right. that's very sad, but you can go ahead and poke that through. we have a good show tonight. music from soccer mommy, iliza shlesinger is here, and we'll be right back with bob odenkirk. [cheers and applause] ♪ >> dicky: abc's "jimmy kimmel live," brought to you by sprint. . during these uncertain times we want you to get the
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how? by sniffing out more listings than anybody else. release! [indistinct chatter] (woman 1) [in headphones] my lease is up on the first. i think he wants me to move in with him. (woman 2) what? (employee) i've got a potential lead on a vacancy. (woman 1) what's up with this dog? (woman 2) is that your dog? (brad) good boy. (woman 2) what's up with the cone? (brad) i told you this would work. apartments-dot-com. the most popular place to find a place. >> jimmy: tonight, from the new netflix movie "spenser confidential" with mark wahlberg, iliza schlesinger is here. then, her album is called "color theory," soccer mommy from the mercedes-benz stage. soccer mommy played a bernie sanders rally in houston the other night, which led to this wonderful moment, where bernie thanked the band. >> let me thank soccer mommy for the music. [ laughter ]
>> jimmy: all right, that's good stuff. tomorrow night, mark wahlberg and storm reid will join us with music from goody grace with blink-182. so please join us, too. our first guest is an emmy winning writer, comedian and actor too. for the past eleven years, he's played a lawyer who would like you to call him. watch season five of "better call saul" mondays on amc, please welcome bob odenkirk. ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: you made the right move there. >> i did, you know? >> jimmy: we'll go back to our traditional kiss after the pandemic is behind us. how are you? >> i'm great, man. >> jimmy: congratulations, i heard your alma mater, southern
illino illinois university >> siu. >> jimmy: is giving you an honorary doctorate. they ran out of people. >> i don't know if it's a doctorate. it might be like a driver's certification page. you're allowed to drive in carbondale. >> jimmy: if it's not a doctor, don't go. >> i already have a degree from siu. a real one, that i earned by going to class. but i think it's better to get the one that you didn't go to any classes for. >> jimmy: it's cheaper. >> it's cheaper, and somehow it's like just magical, it's like a, it's like just a magical thing from heaven that fell on you, you know? >> jimmy: and you can write doctor on forms, now, legally. >> that's right. >> jimmy: just like bill cosby did, you know? >> no, okay. now i don't want it. now you ruined that for me. >> jimmy: so. >> no, i'm going to go. >> jimmy: didn't you go to college when you were a young boy or something? >> i was 16 when i went to college.
does that make you think i'm smart? >> jimmy: yeah, you're like doogie odenkirk. >> i was just tired of high school. i'd had enough. >> jimmy: were you able to transfer to college. >> i was a normal student. i read a lot. i like to read. and i think that kind of kicked me ahead of everyone else, and then i just asked one day when i was a junior in high school. i said how many credits do i have? i went to the office. they said you'll have 16, that's all you need, and i was like oh, can i leave? and they're like, yeah. >> jimmy: and you did. >> i didn't go to graduation. and they never included me in any, it was like i disappeared. i disappeared from high school. i didn't graduate. i was so young that i felt like i'd be very awkward at any college. so i went to a local college, at dupage. >> jimmy: oh. >> but it's great.
i spent a year there, had a blast, then i went to marquette. because i thought my father had gone there. >> jimmy: what? >> yes, i didn't know, because that will tell you a little about my life there. i heard a rumor that he went there. i didn't, and so i thought i should go there. and then that was all right for a year, and then i somehow went to southern. i loved southern illinois university. it's just great. beautiful part of the country. if you've ever been there, it's very far south from chicago. and it's just great, and i had a blast there, and i did comedy there. >> jimmy: what, you did like radio? >> i did a radio show. >> jimmy: college radio. college radio's where i started. >> you, too? >> jimmy: yeah, i started in college radio. >> it's a great, safe place to perform and nobody can see you. >> jimmy: or in my case, no one was listening at all. >> oh, me too, me too. >> jimmy: do you remember? >> and that was great. >> jimmy: did you do sketches? >> i had a partner named tim thomas, an early version.
of david cross. and we improvised and had the prime time special on thursday nights at midnight. so not prime time. >> jimmy: right. >> also not special. and we were kind of inspired by our heroes, which why the credibility gap, a great comedy group from pasadena that featured as one of its members michael mckeon who then played chuck on "better call saul". he played my brother many years later. [ applause ] >> jimmy: that's crazy. and that's a complete coincidence. >> all a big circle. but he inspired me, and then years later we got to work together. >> jimmy: your son is in college now. how old is your son now? >> my son nate who worked here. thank you for that. got him out of the house. >> jimmy: he's a smart kid. >> he's 21 years old now. he can do whatever he wants. >> jimmy: did you have a party for him after his 21st birthday?
>> it's weird, man, he didn't care, because he had a fake i.d. for so many years, so it was nothing. >> jimmy: that's what happened to me. i grew up in las vegas. you have to have a fake id. it's actually the law. >> it won't help you anymore in vegas, because we actually met him in vegas a few weeks after he turned 21. >> jimmy: oh, you did. >> he was there for a debate tournament, because he's a coach. and we were there to enjoy vegas, and he had a couple friends with him. and we were sitting there at the roulette table. you want to teach your kids how to manage money, you know? and what better way than roulette? invest your money in roulette, kids! [ laughter ] and the dealer, or the dealers, what are they? >> jimmy: they're spinners, i guess. >> the spinner asked for the kids' ids, because they're smart. and they run except every one of the friends, the id doesn't work. let's take it to the security desk. it's not workin', it's not workin'. so they have us go through the
rigmarole. and after the third person had tested it five times the kid leans over to me and goes, "it's fake." well, tell us that at the start. >> jimmy: you're an accessory to a crime. we're going to take a break. when we come back, season five of "better call saul", is on. the second to last season. bob odenkirk is with us. ♪ get ready, y'all ♪ get ready ♪ ready ♪ set ♪ jump to the rhythm as hard as you can go ♪ ♪ keep it steady ♪ steady, ♪ to the letter, ♪ right? ♪ turn it up, we giving a show hey hey hey, what'd i miss? ♪ ready, ♪ set ♪ ♪ steady, ♪ bet
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>> everything good? >> yeah. >> started celebrating, actually. >> celebrating what? >> i just realized i have all pro bono clients tomorrow, all day. >> well, all right. to justice. >> yeah. >> jimmy: that is bob odenkirk in "better call saul", using his fake id again. so vince gilligan announced this is the second to last season. next season will be the last season. whereas most shows you wonder what will happen, theoretically, we know what will happen. >> we know, but not really. >> jimmy: not really. >> because they always want to throw a curve at you.
and i know that we've already shot one scene that took place during the time period of breaking bad. it was in season four of "better call saul", episode five, if you're watching on netflix. you'll see a scene that takes place during the "breaking bad" time period. so we'll get there, we're very close, and this season on "better call saul", which just started, we'll see dean norris and steven michael casada, so old chums from "breaking bad" are coming back, more people coming back into the world, and i think they're going to tell the story of what happens after the "breaking bad." >> jimmy: interesting. is there any chance that at the end of "better call saul", you will go back further into time like jimmy in sixth grade or something like that? >> they were talking about a prenatal version of the show. >> jimmy: how many times have you been nominated for a emmy for this show? >> like four.
>> jimmy: is this annoying to you? >> well, i got into this gig for the same reason olivier did, for the awards. >> jimmy: the awards. >> and not just to get nominated. i'm kind of mad. i want to sue somebody, but i don't know who to sue. but you know what i thought, jimmy, i need to make a feature film about somebody from history who's really important. >> jimmy: yes. >> really important. >> jimmy: yes. >> you've got to give that guy the award, right? >> jimmy: right. >> so i found this character whose work you will all be familiar with. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> and i went to the studios, and i said let me play this guy. i'm going to bring him to life. i'm going to give him heart, i'm going to give him courage. you're going to love hip. and they said are you kidding, here's money, just go make it, it's fun. and it's so easy to get movies made. and we made it! >> jimmy: you have the world premiere of the trailer here. and let's take a look right now. [cheers and applause]
>> and the answer is four! [cheers and applause] >> nothing. >> we have some encrypted messages indicating that a russian nuclear attack is imminent. we need you to crack these codes. >> i'll do my best, sir. >> you need to do better than that. in 24 hours, life as we know it will end. ♪ >> ah! damn it! ah! ♪ >> please tell me you've cracked
the code. >> even better, sir. look, 5318008. >> what does it mean? >> look again. >> boobies? >> boobies, honk, honk. >> my calculator. >> we need to share this with the world. >> if you turn the calculator upside down, boobies! >> back in your brassieres, ladies and gents. the world has caught boobies fever, it has turned your world and calculator upside down.
gist just ask russian premier khrushchev. >> i now believe russia and america can peacefully co-exist, just like a pair of boobies. >> excuse me, will you sign my calculator? >> of course. ♪ >> time's up! have you cracked the code? >> even better, sir. turn the calculator upside down. >> you worthless [ bleep ] idiot! ♪
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staff. >> jimmy: i know your husband is the chef who made them. >> it was very strategic on my part. your wife is a big fan of that burrito, and my husband is the one who invented that burrito, and we thought we'd send some along. >> jimmy: it is like a christmas eve tradition at our house, for lunch we will have those burritos. so thank you four that. and you're very talented, too, i don't want to make this all about him. i'm surprised we haven't met before. have you been here to this show before? >> i've not been on the show, but i have been here to the show. in 2007, when i was like really young. i was in the green many roo. you have like your big greenroom parties. at that time, now you're married. i totally get it. i was here with a friend and had to leave early. it was so glamorous with all
these free snacks everywhere. it was like, just one more, i promise i won't -- and i had to go to san diego. and they didn't pay in cash, but they let you pick an item off the menu. i remember my sad chevy blazer, one day i'll be on jimmy kimmel, and i won't be paid in chicken fingers! and today is that day, but there were chicken fingers. >> jimmy: it's easy for people to see, and you've got billboards on netflix, all these specials and success. it's a reminder you were driving to san diego on a week night. >> on a week night. and i had a desk job, just like every young girl dreams and you're doing several sets a night with your own merch and a duffle bag. >> jimmy: when did you first do standup? >> i did standup on a ship. a semester at sea. shout out. it was like an open mic on the
ship with 600 other students from all over the country, like an open mic night and i got up and started talking about the interactions between all the frat guys and the sorority girls on the ship and that created the lens through which i looked at society. it was like me looking at all the girls getting the idea of apes. girls are like, did i leave my study book in here? and guys are like, uh. i cut off pie my hand here earlier and left it in here. >> jimmy: that's video games, i hope. >> it was a group. uh. >> jimmy: so people were actually doing schoolwork on the ship? >> the children that were there on academic scholarships were. the rest of us were getting s-canned. can i say the s word? at places like the taj mahal. it give you a global perspective of how the rest of your life's going to be. >> jimmy: look at this, here you
are now, in a movie with mark wahlberg. >> i am in a movie!eal. >> a very big deal. >> jimmy: how did that come to pass? >> i'd love to be like, they just called and said can you add your magic? no, i went to an audition and i remember getting the sides, and it said do not do a boston accent. >> jimmy: the sides are a small piece of the script. >> a small bit. i'm so hollywood. and it said no boston accent. i'm like, mark wahlberg, i know it's going to be shot in boston, i won't do it. but the line is, every day i pray to st. jude for a reason to leave you. and i was like, i can't not do a boston accent and invoke the name st. jude. i tried it in every accent. i was like, you got to go boston, go boston, go big. and i went in and did the accent. and tanked it, obviously.
and then a couple weeks later we were supposed to hear on friday. if you've ever auditioned for anything it's just like forget about it, live your life, and i'm like, i can't! and i had flown to boston to do a gig. it's friday afternoon, i'm in my hotel room, and i decide, it's against every molecule go my body, i turn the phone off, forget that movie. who cares. three minutes later, i turn it back on, and i had a missed call from my agent. okay, they're going to tell me i didn't get it and it's before i go on stage. cool. so i call her back. my agent goes, mark wahlberg wants to call you, and i'm like, i'm not wearing any makeup. and she was like he just wants to talk to you. and i was like, that's so sweet, he is taking time out of his day to let me know i didn't get the part. what a gentleman. they connect me, and i went to school in boston.
i remember my apartment was like underground. we had a tv that sat on a wheelchair. now i'm overlooking the boston common, wouldn't it be wonderful? he's like hey, he has a pretty good boston accent. and i was like, ah! and then it got quiet, okay, you're hot. and he goes, he just goes, so, are you ready to get crazy with us? and in hollywood, it's such a like, we love you so much we're not hiring you. so i don't know what the legalese is for are you ready to get crazy, i'm like, do i have the gig? i need to hear it. he's like, yeah. we'll see you in a couple weeks. and i'm like, yes! and i screamed so loud that security sent someone up to make sure i'm okay. i'm like, i'm okay! >> jimmy: it's a miraculous story, from san diego to the sea. >> from chicken fingers to boston commons. >> jimmy: it's great to have you
here. "spenser confidential" is available on netflix a week from friday. and we'll return with music from soccer mommy. [cheers and applause] ♪ >> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by the amg gt four-door coupe. mercedes amg, driving performance. (brad) in new homesot-com than any other website. how? by sniffing out more listings than anybody else. release! [indistinct chatter] (woman 1) [in headphones] my lease is up on the first. i think he wants me to move in with him.
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>> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: i'd like to thank bob odenkirk and iliza shlesinger. apologies to matt damon, nightline is next, but first, this is her album, "color theory", here with the song "circle the drain," soccer mommy! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ wanna be calm like the soft summer rain on your back like the fold of your shoulders ♪ ♪ but everything just brings me back down to the cold hard ground and it keeps ♪
♪ getting colder it's a feeling that boils in my brain i would dial back ♪ ♪ the flame but i'm not sure i'm able i'm wobbling out on the wire ♪ ♪ and the lights could go out with the break of a cable things feel that ♪ ♪ low sometimes even when everything is fine hey ♪ ♪ i've been falling apart these days split open watching my heart go ♪ ♪ 'round and around 'round and around circle the drain i'm going down ♪
♪ 'round and around and around and around 'round and around and ryg sm ro around ♪ e r fily d friends but i'm so tired of faking ♪ ♪ 'cause i'm chained to my bed when they're gone watching tv alone 'til my body starts aching ♪ ♪ and i think there's a mold in my brain spreading down all the way through ♪ ♪ my heart and my body 'cause i cling to the dark of my room and the days thin me ♪ ♪ out or just burn me straight through things feel that low sometimes ♪
♪ even when everything is fine hey i've been falling ♪ aspli h ou ♪ 'round and around circle the drain i'm going down 'round and around ♪ ♪ and around and around 'round and around and around and around things feel that ♪ ♪ low sometimes even when everything is fine hey ♪ ♪ i've been falling apart these
weekend. i'll have the hour by hour time line coming up. abc 7 news at 11 starts right now. >> now, your health, your safety, this is abc 7 news. the united states now has more than 100,000 cases of the coronavirus, the most of any country, more than 1,700 have died. tonight, an ominous warning from dctors about what's to come. >> this may get worse before it gets better. >> president trump moves to save the american economy by signing the largest relief bill in modern history, more than $2 trillion. >> this will deliver urgently needed relief to our nation's families, workers and businesses. >> california renters get a temporary retrieve from the state, the governor signing an order to stop evictions through may. >> we are not waiting for the crisis to