tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS January 22, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am PST
stephen stephen! >> stephen: welcome to "the late show,"" everybody. welcome to cbs' "the late show" with, starring stephen colbert." i am stephen colbert. thank you for watching tonight. it means so much that you decided to spend your last few hours alive with me because as we speak a massive winter storm is bearing down on the east coast and it is threatening full city shutdowns, deadly commutes, and an 80% chance of attack by white walkers. it's coming. everyone is predicting a monster storm-- so hold your loved ones close, because you may need to cut them open and crawl inside for warmth. ( laughter ) if they love you, they'll be fine with it. and there's a terrifying name
jonas. so it's going to hit with the reckless intensity of a child star going through puberty. ( laughter ) >> jon: hey, hey. it is. >> stephen: it's super cute at the same time. listen, you still have time to prepare. i'm going to give you a few tips, okay. first tip, stock up on essentials. at this point, all the water and canned goods have been stripped from the supermarket shelves, so go for what's left like vanilla extract. ( laughter ) it's got a lot more alcohol than you think. ride out the storm. you'll get hammered, and you'll smell like christmas. next, be prepared for a power outage. remember, you can harness the power of static electricity with a fleece blanket and two cats. just start rubbin'. wool socks. just like this. this is me.
( cheers and applause ) cats love this. cats love this. >> jon: like playing a tambourine. >> stephen: oh, yeah. next-- it's a new dance, everybody is doing it. next, you're gonna want to have a plan for your family. past grievances with your partner before you get snowed in. that way, you can get right to rehashing the past. be sure to list all the times he has compared you to your mom, because you are not here. and finally, and this one is really important, make sure your estate's giant hedge maze is well-lit. also, keep an eye on the psychotic hotel caretaker who's working on his novel. and by the way, in case you're wondering, you're the cared taker. you've always been the caretaker. of course, here on "the late show," computer models are predicting up to 60 minutes of
( chee and applause ) first up, i'll be talking with legendary aerosmith frontman steven tyler. ( cheers and applause ) dream on dream on he's got a new album of country music, so now he's singing about love in a grain elevator. ( laughter ) then i'll be joined by one of the stars of "transparent," gaby hoffmann. fantastic. lovely lady. "transparent," of course, appears on amazon-- the only network where you can get comedy and a 50-pack of aa batteries. and we'll have a great musical performance from the singer lapsley. lapsley is here. she's here joining us tonight through the storm.
should be good. because musicians from liverpool typically do pretty well in the ed sullivan theater. ( band plahing ) oh, hello. that's jonny jon and the funky bunch, say hi, everybody! ( applause ) they're about to make-- >> jon: oh, oh, oh,. they're about to make you happy, but before they do, one more thing: the u.s. navy has deployed a powered by alternative energy. i think they're called sailboats. >> tonight, stephen welcomes steven tyler. from "transparent," gaby hoffmann. and a musical performance by
featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert"! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon, eddie, joe. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much. gentlemen. one more sip. one more sip. daddy's water burns. ah! folks, it is friday, which means tuesday. you're on your honor. but around here, fridays are
because long-time viewers of last week know that we introduced our very first installment of "friday night fights." here's how it works: i set up a hypothetical fight between two things. could be anything: the 1980 olympic miracle team versus the harlem globetrotters, hitler versus darth vader, a crab with a knife versus ferret with a gun. ( laughter ) then we post those match-ups as polls on twitter and let you, the people, decide who should win the battle. so get ready for... >> audience: friday night fights! >> stephen: welcome to "friday night fights" everybody! joining me now to announce last week's results is my friend and producer, paul dinello. paul, how are you doing? >> excellent. >> stephen: are you really? >> pretty good. >> stephen: okay, paul, i'm not surprised you're feeling
last week of our first match. marvel supervillain thanos against santa claus. my infinity gems were on thanos, but twitter disagreed. santa won with 53% of the vote. ( cheers and applause ) big surprise. there's a big surprise. people backed the guy who gives them free presents. fix was in! what say you? >> i say the people have spoken and in this case, the people and me. ( laughter ) the next round was lebron james with green lantern's ring ring versus michael jordan with a genie lamp. i went with lebron, but m.j. and his lamp massacred him on twitter, taking 65% of the vote. but i say. ( cheers and applause ) okay, okay, okay, all right. that's not a fair fight. lebron was by himself, but we all know who was in m.j.'s genie lamp-- shaq! ( laughter ) ( applause ) all right. you don't get to claim victory
we also asked a much more important question, what i believe is the central question of our friendship: "who loves the other one more, paul or stephen?" >> right. and we each bet on ourselves. >> stephen: that's what people who love each other do. >> love. >> stephen: are you ready to find out the results? >> yeah. >> stephen: are you sure because twitter looked at us and 79% said i love you more than you love me. ( cheers and applause ) that's science! that's science, paul. i win. you lose. that's love. >> i'm not sure that getting more love makes you the loser. >> stephen: what? >> how does that add up? >> stephen: >> stephen: what? what do you mean? >> love is like a gift, stephen. some say it's better to give than receive. you know who says that? >> stephen: who?
( laughter ) >> stephen: if i didn't love you so much, i would hate you. ( laughter ) all right, get out of here. >> what? >> stephen: get out! >> i won two out of three. i'm not going anywhere. why should i leave? >> stephen: it's my show, leave. >> oh, all right. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: the real reason you gotta get out of here paul is because tonight i'm going up against a frenemy. he wrestled at the university of harvard. hobbies include calligraphy, and dance. he is an astrophyicist and the director of the hayden get ready for neil degrasse tyson!
>> stephen: neil, have a seat. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: all right. here. before we launch into the fights, i have got to ask you. scientists are now saying there man a ninth planet out beyond the orbit of neptune. question: what is the deal? >> the deal is that it's, first, it's not pluto-- just to make that clear. >> stephen: i know. we know how much you hate pluto. >> no, no, i just -- >> no, no-- >> we have an understanding. so it's not just a little bit beyond neptune or pluto. it's, like, 50 times farther away. so we want to call it planet nine and make it all part of the family, but this thing is so far away, that it has yet to complete an orbit around the sun since the ice age. >> stephen: really? >> yeah, so i don't want to get all cozy with it because it's
>> stephen: we haven't seen it yet. >> no, no, no, no. so it's inferred by my colleagues-- my colleagues, good planetary colleagues, mike brown and his colleagues found it this -- >> those are the guys who demoted pluto from a planet-- >> they found a planet bigger than pluto that no one wanted to call a planet and that means it would drag pluto down with it and forced the vote so pluto lost. >> stephen: whatever lets you sleep at night. can we call this one blute ploouto? >> if you're really nostalgic, i don't have any problem with that. it's very far out there, and we know-- the way to figure it out is you look at the rest of the stuff orbiting out there, and you say this is collecting over here when it should be over there. there must be some unseen force of gravity enabling that, so you back-calculate the equations and say there's got to be an object 10 times the mass of earth over there to make that happen. so, thus, the announcement. >> stephen: the fact that
out there that we didn't know before, does that explain why up until now now astrology didn't make sense? this whole other planet we didn't account for. >> it wouldn't need that to account for arology not making sense. i'll show you how big it is. it's between the size of that planet and that planet. >> stephen: do you wear all of your textbooks on your body? >> you just never know -- >> i shudder to think what your boxers look like. or who you've sthoan then to. when i was a kid there was talkave ninth planet, that people were calling perseven me that could be a large gas giant pulling in a comet. is this the kind of thing we're talking about? >> not this one-- well, okay, it might be implicated in such a diabolical act of redirecting comets to the inner solar system, ending life as we know it. but that's not what we're
object just yet. >> stephen: so it's not going to kill us all. >> not just yet. >> stephen: enough chitchat, are you ready for the fights? our first match-up. it's a classic, pitting tony the tiger against mr. peanut. let's go. the people know this is a razzle-dazzle. tell of the tape, folks. we'll start with tony. he comes in at 9'6", 832 pounds. his training diet consists of sugar-coated corn flakes, and because he's a tiger, human flesh. tony's weaknesses include high blood sugar and a possible speech impediment. fighting outfit: neckerchief, no pants. pretty impressive, don't you think? >> tiger is the biggest cat. >> stephen: don't underestimate his opponent, neil, it's mr. peanut. coming in at 5'10" 6'9" with top hat, 250 pounds of protein and healthy fats, this dapper goober-pea is known for his
impenetrable battle shell, and is ruthless enough to sell the skinless bodies of his own kind. weaknesses: poor vision in right eye, bit of a dandy. fighting outfit: top hat, pants unclear. okay, neil, neil, you're the scientist here. break it down for me. ( applause ) tony the tiger versus mr. peanut. who do you like here? >> first of all, i ate sugar-frosted flakes back when flakes. >> stephen: that was a very honest depiction. >> like sugar pops and sugar smacks. sugar became the "s" word and became expunged. >> stephen: they just started using frosting after that. >> tony tiger haze lot of sugar in him. i can tell you this that fat and oils has twice the energy density of sugar. have you ever burned a peanut? take a peanut and put it in a
away and it will burn for five minutes. >> stephen: are you saying mr. peanut is a walking, talking shell filled with napalm ready to blow? >> it is an energy-- it has twice the energy density of all the sugar that tony the tiger became from having eaten that cereal. >> stephen: what about tony? they have a pooit strength of 1100 pounds per square inch, razor help sharp clause, don't you think he takes the peanut out? >> i'll tell you why that doesn't matter. i've seen mr. peanut and the way he dresses-- the top hat,icle, cane, anyone who dresses that way represents a colonizing empire who will just shoot the tiger, stuff him and put him in a museum. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: oh, so he's got an entire-- he has an imperial power behind him. >> he has an entirely imperial, navy. go to @stephenathome.
who will win. next up, it's the title fight. we're asking, which is more inescapable, the super massive black hole at the center of our galaxy or the obligation to be with your family at the holidays?" let's run the numbers. ( applause ) coming in with a diameter of 50 million kilometers and an estimated 8.2 to the power of 1,036 kilograms, this super-massive black hole sucks.... hard. strengths include the abilty to tear stars apart and stop time. weaknesses: stephen hawking, and getting pulled over by police more often than white holes. an unparallelled gravitational force, right? >> yup, nothing like it. >> stephen: except for its competitor, neil, your family at they come in all shapes and sizes. your family knows your buttons and how to push them. sitting with them at dinner is like watching yourself age. strengths include fully-stocked refrigerator, the possibility of
you get from your childhood bedroom. weaknesses include the weird feeling you get from being an adult in your childhood bedroom, and the fact that the new dog doesn't like you as much as the old dog did. okay, neil, who's got a stronger gravitational pull? black hole, family at christmas? >> as an astrophysicist, i gotta go with the black hole. >> stephen: oh, really? i got one thing to say to you, my friend. >> what's that. >> stephen:nana is 97. she'd like to see you one more time before she dies. go ahead. whatever you want to say. go ahead. ( cheers ) what's your next shot? >> okay, that is a kind of force of nature and i felt that once. when i was in college i didn't come home for this is one time-- thanksgiving one time, 10 years i heard about it, about not coming home for thanksgiving. >> stephen: what's the greatest shot of this black hole you're talking about. >> the black hole, here's what it could do. it could spaghetiify, everyone at once, they get to eat but the
it's a one-way trip and they all die at the end but they still get together. >> stephen: i don't think the black hole would could draw anyone out of the house whatever its graphitational pull is and i'll tell you why. you spent last year with your wife's family. spend one christmas with us. i don't see a black hole beating that kind of guilt? >> these are new kinds of forces of nature i hadn't fact intord my equation. >> stephen: your cousin janice is going to tell us about her "roommate" this year. you're the only one who lives in a city. you'll understand her. another neil, okay? i say family comes first. you bet on what you want. you guys can hop on twitter to @stephenathome, cast your vote on the question, which is more inescapable, black hole at the strf our galaxy or the obligation to be with your family during the holidays. the polls will close at midnight wednesday eastern. let your voice be heard in the most important vote of 2016, and
( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my first guest tonight is the frontman of rock n roll hall of famers, aerosmith. please welcome "the demon of screamin," steven tyler. ( cheers and applause ) >> howdie! >> stephen: what a pleasure. >> what a pleasure. >> stephen: it's a pleasure to have youon, steven tyler. >> ph meets "v." >> stephen: exactly.
"friday night fights." who wins, stephen with a "v," or stephen with a "p" "h." vote now upon you have an american original. you have been rockin' since 1973 with aerosmith. and you might have invented being a rock star. this is your lock, but so many people have copied this look. do you ever want to get a royalty from the hair bands of the 80s who trield tide to steal this because you've been doing this for 40 years? >> what if i could, right. >> stephen: yeah. >> well, they say the things that come to those who wait may be left by those who got there first. >> stephen: you know what? you just blew my mind. and i have no idea what that means. >> oh, my god. neither do i, but we were around in the early days. >> stephen: yeah. >> rocked it out, and we were put on tour for-- by the time 1979 came around, we hit every
>> stephen: what? including alaska and hawaii. >> except hawaii and alaska. >> stephen: the contiguous 48. >> yes. >> stephen: no offense, hawaii and alaska. now, if you started off now, do you think you guys could have broken through? could you have broken through on the "american idol" pop star world? >> i don't think our band could have. if you-- think about it. do you think led zeppelin would have wrote "stairway to heaven" if they had an iphone. if there were iphones, would jimi hendrix have sat around and wrote "purple haze." >> stephen: "hurple haze" would have been the same tune but the lyrics would have been, "candy crush." candy crush, all up and down i think about that a lot. what would be. what would have been the need to sit in a back room, smoke a bunch of weed and listen to old records and come up with new music? what would have been the need? >> stephen: that was the need at the time. that was the need at the time, i
>> we just-- we just loved to do the research. and in doing the research-- ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: and doing the research, okay. >> not me. >> stephen: somebody had to. now you're doing your first solo album. >> yeah. >> stephen: why now? why a solo album now? >> wow. why not? i mean i can't ever stand still. you could take the country out of rock, but you can't take the rock out of the country. and if you listen to "cryin'." there was a time when i was so broken hearted. love wasn't much of a friend of mine it's kind of-- aerosmith, i diverse. and so we've done all kinds of music, but i love country. brothers. >> stephen: your new album-- this is your new single off the album, it's called "red, white & you." and this is. ( cheers and applause ) >> uh-huh. >> stephen: and is it hard to
i just went down and rubbed noses way bunch of good old country boys. >> stephen: is that how you talk with them, like eskimos, rub noses? >> yes, as opposed to the hawaiian thing, you breathe in. >> stephen: how much is country? as done and marie said i'm a little bit country, i'm a little bit rock 'n' roll. i do a core sample of steven tyler, how much is country and how much is rock 'n' roll. >> i cut my teeth on the everly brother s. >> stephen: really? >> yeah. and that was it. and the beatles got all their melkeys from the everly brothers, too. >> stephen: they wanted to be the everly brothers. who did you want to be? is there somebody you wanted to be when you were younger? >> yeah, janice joplin. right? she had all the bangles and beads and she was out there, and she drank southern comfort. down. you definitely have the look down. ( laughter ) ( applause )
record which is tip of the hat to her, which is-- come on. where's amy. "piece of my heart." "a little piece of my heart." >> stephen: oh, i'd love to hear you sing that. that's on the album? >> yeah, it is. ( applause ) >> stephen: do you-- do you-- do you still enjoy-- can you still scream? do you still scream? >> oh, yeah. every night. >> stephen: really? it's a family show. it's a family show. >> did it really take that -- >> it's a family show. >> okay. >> stephen: if you hospital been a rock star, what do you think you would have done? i mean, could you see you doing an everyday job, like working at a fast food restaurant, or something like is that tha? would you like. fries with that ( applause ). >> maybe tuning piano s. >> stephen: really, tuning pianos? >> yeah, my uncle did that. >> stephen: you're from a musical family? >> oh, yeah, the whole family. came over from italy, five
and when i was, like, 20 i found up in the attic this brochure that said they would live in new york city, get on a train and go and play at these old wooden hotels. and so they were a band and touring when i first started aerosmith. and i thought, duh! that's where it all comes from. so my father went to juilliard. yup. >> stephen: wow. what was his instrument? >> piano. >> stephen: well, these men went to juilliard there, piano. >> hands stream on, and all this stuff, right? we'll do a duet later. >> stephen: i understand that you were a little upset-- you're a registered republican, but you were upset that donald trump used "dream on" at his concert. did you ask him to stop? >> i told him, i said, "i write songs for causes, not campaigns." you see what i mean? ( cheers and applause ) and, of course, he got pissed off big time. >> stephen: i imagine he did.
"what's going on?" and i said, "donald i don't want you using the song." and he did anyway and i sent a cease and desist. i did not sue him but as you know, donald does not take no for an answer. >> stephen: nor does he approximation. if you are waiting for don ald to apologize, you better. dream on >> well said. stephen: thank you very much. will you stick around? >> yes. >> stephen: i'd like to talk about your charity. >> i'd love to. the johnson's scent, lather, and bubbles help enhance the experience. so why just clean your baby, when you can give him so much more? players celebrate with rings, teams celebrate with trophies, and now you can celebrate with the bud light super bowl series.
winter storm jonas promises to be the biggest of the decade. with total accumulation of up to three feet, roads will be shut down indefinitely, and schools are closed. campbell's soups go great with a cold, and a nice red. made for real, real life. yeah, i'm married. does it matter? you'd do that for me? really? yeah i'd like that. who are you talking to? uh, it's jake from state farm. sounds like a really good deal. jake from state farm, at three in the morning? who is this? it's jake from state farm. what are you wearing jake from state farm? uh, khakis. she sounds hideous. well, she's a guy so... another reason more people stay with state farm.
there are two democratic visions for regulating wall street. one says it's okay to take millions from big banks and then tell them what to do. my plan -- break up the big banks, close the tax loopholes, and make them pay their fair share. then we can expand health care to all, and provide universal college education. will they like me? no. will they begin to play by the rules if i'm president? you better believe it. i'm bernie sanders and i approve this message. >> stephen: welcome back. here here with steven tyler. wait, i forgot to put your water out. let me put your water on there,
right there. i want you to feel at home. >> that should be on the mantel piece. happy birthday. it's my son'sing about the. janie's fund. i understand you have got a fund inspired by the response you got from people after your hit "janie's got a gun." >> no, no, i was thinking about it-- when i came up with "janie's got a gun." i was like, "who's janie and why does she have a gun?" >> stephen: janie's got a gun just came out of you. >> i looked at "newsweek" or something which showed the handgun problem in america from friday to monday. and that spurred me to write about a girl whose father was having his way with her, and the mother was watching. and if you watch the video, it's all about that. and so i took my microphone stand and i sent them to elton, to bono, and i said, "you've heard my voice for years.
i don't necessarily need money but just tweet out that you got my mic stand just to get the ball rolling." >> stephen: what does janie's fund do? >> it lookses after abused children. i met seven, eight, nine, 10-year-old girls that had been on the street, that had been smoking crack, that had been raped, that had been hooking and there just is no place for them in society. >> stephen: you brought something here. >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: to share with us. right here. what is this? >> my girlfriend. >> stephen: and what do you do with these? what are these? >> this is what i put in the box. this is my girlfriend that i live vicariously through on stage. and -- >> this is your classic scarf-wrapped microphone stand. >> this is it. i had about. ( cheers and applause ) so i'm thinking, why don't i just show you a couple of moves with this thing. ( cheers and applause )
these you have sent these to elton john, you have sent these to bono, and now you're giving this to me? >> i am so giving this to you. >> stephen: all right, good. now, i feel like i'm slightly underdressed for this microphone stand right now. show me what you do. how do you rock out with the mic, because i sometimes have to sing with the mic, and i don't know what to do. i don't know whether, you know to be rough with it. i don't know whether to treat it like a lady. i don't know-- how do i approach the mic, in a way that i can have a relationship with it and make this work? >> there you go. >> stephen: how i do make it work? >> there are moments in songs where it's like you go up to it sweetly and you. there goes my old girlfriend ( cheers and applause ) or "dude looks like a lady or it's "bang, bang, baby, like the fourth of july it depends. look, i'm talking into this. one, two.
with this one. stand right here like that, and you just take your foot and go. >> stephen: one more time. one more time. >> stephph: wait, wait. show me. >>y just spin it and turn. that's it! ( cheers and applause ) dream on dream on. yeah wooo! >> why am i showing you?
>> stephen: i am possessed by the spirit of steven tyler. the new single is "red, white & you." it drops today. please check out janie's fund. steven tyler, everybody.
( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is an starring in season two of "transparent." >> who invited your aunt brenda? >> i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i meant to tell you that. listen, we were just nervous. sarah has no friends. she has no friends. it's kind of sad. >> oh, my god. >> lipgot all the friends in the
so they're facebook friends and-- >> they're facebook friends. >> yes, they've been playing bejeweled blitz. >> what is bejeweled blitz? >> it's a video game with calendar diamond jewels that you line up-- there's this weird cat with laser eyes in the bonus round. >> stephen: please welcome gaby hoffmann! ( applause ) ( cheers ) >> oh, my god. >> stephen: aren't they lovely? aren't they lovely? >> i love this band. >> stephen: you don't get that everywhere. >> no, you don't. thank you. >> stephen: only cbs. ( laughter ) congratulations on "transparent." >> thank you so much. >> stephen: it's a fantastic show. you got nominated last year for an emmy. this year got nominated for a golden globe, didn't win, but it's an amazing success,
how does it feel to be part of something that big? >> extraordinary. >> stephen: and something culturally relevant at the moment. >> it certainly is. it's extraordinary. i'm so proud. it's a little late for this revolution, this civil rights movement but better late than never. i'm so proud to be a part of it. >> stephen: i thought you were going to say it's a little late for you. >> i'm a little past my prime, stephen! >> stephen: you were a child actor, a child star, "field of dreams" "sleepless in seattle" and then you left for, like, 10 years. why wouldn't you want to be a teenager in the public eye? it looks-- >> so fun. >> stephen: it looks so fun. >> doesn't it? i know, i really missed the boat on that. >> stephen: you really did. you could have been dissected while you were developing. >> that's right. >> stephen: what did you do? >> i went to college. i was obsessed with going to college. ever since i was seven years old i wanted to go to bard college. >> stephen: and did you?
i don't know why i did this. >> stephen: it has nothing to do with steely dan until now. >> i apologize, steely dan. >> stephen: i understand you trained to be a duala? what's a duala. >> a duala is a labor coach, somebody like -- >> like a midwife. >> a midwife is more like the doctor who delivers the baby. >> stephen: a duala is just going, "you can do it!" >> that's right. a duala is giving physical, emotional, and psychological support. >> stephen: did you end up doing it? >> yes, i've been to a few births. i went to my niece's birth. my sister had a home birth with my niece, and that's when i became obsessed with home birth s. >> stephen: and you have a child yourself? >> i have a 14-year-old mother. >> stephen: you can duala for yourself? can you cheer yourself through it? >> i had a lot of help in my birth. i had a very long-- i had a home birth, and she was almost 10 pounds and did not want to come out. >> stephen: wow, hanging on to your spine! >> yeah, she was hanging on to something.
dualas at my birth which i had luckily. and she was beautiful. >> stephen: when my kids were born, i felt fine. >> how old are they now? do you still feel fine? >> >> stephen: oh, sure, sure. they can all beat me up now. they're very large. i see you have a bernie pin on. >> that's right, i do. >> stephen: are you feeling the bern? >> yeah. we're on our way to iowa next week. there? >> yeah, my boyfriend boif and our daughter. >> stephen: what do you like so much about bernie sand jeers well-- what's not to like? have you seen the man? >> stephen: he's eye candy, first of all,. >> first of all,. >> stephen:itary me off a piece of that. >> oh, my god, a little spittle. >> stephen: put a scoop of ben & jerry's on that and bring it over. >> that's right. >> stephen: is there an issue that he addresses that you particularly care about? >> yes, many, but right now i think the most important issue we have to contend with is campaign finance reform. >> stephen: i would agree with that. >> yes. >> stephen: i would agree with that. until you can control the money, you can't allow equal access.
is, lawrence sling talks beautifully about this, whatever your issue sbe it climate change, l.g.b.t.-- anything, none of it can get done until we have campaign finance reform so that should be everybody's issue ( applause ). >> stephen: thank you so much >> thank you. >> stephen: it was lovely >> stephen: season two of "transparent" is now available on amazon prime video. gaby hoffmann, everybody! thanks so much.own taxes. so we brought in world-renowned brainiac, doctor s. james gates junior, to help him get started. marvin. you got a w-2. uh, yeah. i do. you got a finger. yes. take the finger and press it right here. [camera shutter] yay, you got it. yeah. intuit turbo tax.
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go johnny, go, go, go. johnny be good "sir"? come on. you know who i am. progressive insurance? uh, i save people an average of over $500 when they switch? did you pack your own bags? oh! right -- the name your price tool. it shows people policy options to help fit their budget. [ scanner warbling ] crazy that a big shot like me would pack his own bags, right? [ chuckles ] so, do i have the right to remain handsome? [ chuckles ] wait.
and i know it sure one month till february, keep on holding on and i know it sure, and i know it sure and it's times like these, and it's days like these and it's times like these, and it's days like it's been a long time coming but i'm falling short it's been a long time coming but i'm falling short 'cause you could say this is not too far to carry
'cause you could say this is not too far to carry this 'cause you could say this is not too far to carry this 'cause you could say this is not too far to carry this and it's times like these, and it's days like these and it's times like these, and it's days like these it's been a long time coming but i'm falling short
( cheers and applause ) you know the basic bargain of america is if you work hard, and you do your part, you should be able to get ead and stay ahead. but so many families don't feel like their hard work pays off. that's not the way america is supposed to operate. i want to go to bat for them every single day. get incomes rising... get equal pay for women... cut the cost of health care and child care so people can actually get ahead. hillary clinton, she has what it takes to get things done.
late show." tune in monday when my guests will be donald rumsfeld, n.b.a. star russell westbrook, and musical guest-- let's say donald rumsfeld. now stick around for james cordon, everybody. exwnt. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> reggie: are you ready all to have some fun and feel the love tonight don't you worry if you aren't a sponge it will be okay