tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS September 2, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am PDT
captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen. >> stephen: liz. hey, do you want to help me paint this? it's really fun? >> do not tom sawyer me. >> i would never, please, >> stephen: did you watch the waff fell house -- >> did you change your hair? it looks fresh for the summer. will you hold this for a second? >> i said do not tom sawyer me. i am not tom sawyering you. i am road runnerring you. >> it's "the late show"" with stephen colbert. tonight, stephen welcomes
featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ? ? ? ( applause ) >> stephen: thank you, chris. hey! that looks very nice. thanks. what's going on, man? good to see you. hey! that's nice. hey. welcome to the the show, everybody. thanks so much. welcome to "the late show"." i'm stephen colbert. it's friday, everybody knows
( cheers and applause ) ? it's friday, it's friday ? >> stephen: that's a real friday audience. you can't fake that. that is amazing. i get to meet amazing people on this show. it's a privilege to do a show like this. >> jon: absolutely. >> stephen: the number of peopley i get to sit down and talk to and one i get to see socially, elanmusk, the founder of tesla and spacex. he's a real-life tony stark, and i'm a fan of spacex, beca a rough day yesterday. look at this. here is their unmanned rocket being refueled at cape canaveral. boom! it blowed up real good. now, it was unmanned, okay. very important. no one was harmed, but it was carrying a satellite that was supposed to bring internet to sub-saharan africa. yeah, i know. now not only don't they have
yelp. ( laughter ) let's see. fall is coming. fall is coming right now. summer is coming to an end. labor day weekend, fall's coming. it already feels like winter in this theater right now. it's chilly. >> jon: every single day. >> stephen: one nice thing about fall, of course, football season. football fans here? ( applause ) me, too. yeah. then you know the nfl season is about to get under way, and this week at a press conference, new england patriots quarterback tom brady unveiled his new haircut. there it is. brady's getting a lot of grief a the lot of grief online for this, but i think that's beneath us as a nation. just let me say i think it's the perfect style if you spend most of your time wearing a helmet. this is perfect. where is his offensive line? aren't they supposed to protect him from traumatic head injuries like this? that's the haircut your wife gets before running away to run
( applause ) please, come on the show. , speaking of things that are weird and terrifying, recently, a lightning strike killed more than 300 reindeer in norway. so bleak. so haunting. it's the most nordic story ever. jon, can i have some bleak music, please? ? ? ? it was a grim-- it was a grim sc hundreds of reindeer were strewn across the desolate plateau, and a researcher who inspected the scene said, "the air was filled with a smell that seemed both sweet and sour." so sad... and yet... mmmm. sweet and sour reindeer. ( laughter ) sounds good. this story has really got me worried. how is santa going to get around this year? regular deer?
plus, the song will now just go, ? rudolf the red nosed reindeer saw his friends and family die ? when the stormy lightning hit them and he had to watch them fry ? sweet and sour! that's all we've got so far. that's all we've got. and those 300 dead reindeer aren't the only ones having a rough week. have you seen this blooper reel from a local commercial shoot in maine? it's an older couple that's supposed to say "baked in a buttery, flaky crust," but they're having some trouble. buttery flaky crust. >> baked on a buttery-- crust. >> close. >> buttery-- >> baked in a buttery flavored crust. baked in a buttery flavored crust-- crust. baked in a buttery crispy crust. flaky! i left flaky out again. crispy. >> flaky!
flight. >> stephen: i gotta say, that's nice. somehow watching people struggle to say something is inherently funny. i totally see why that video went virtual... >> viral. >> stephen: what did i say? >> virtual. >> stephen: really? >> stephen: i totally see why that video went virtual. that video went virtual! went styrofoam. watching people struggle to say something is just inherently funny. i totally see why that video went virtual. >> jon: viral! >> stephen: i totally see why that virile horse caught fire. >> what? >> that video went virtual... >> virtual! >> video went virtual. >> jon: let me try! i totally see that voodoo viggo mortensen. >> stephen: ha-ha! i totally see why that-- sorry, what was it again? >> video went viral.
baked into a buttery crispy crust. >> jon: flaky! ( cheers and applause ) >> no! viral! viral! >> stephen: i toady see that video viral crust-- i'm sorry, can we just fix this in post? i totally see why this-- >> --video went viral. >> stephen: good enough! now say hi to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. ? ? ? ( applause ) >> oh, really. oh, my gosh. folks this is actually-- this is show 202 that we're doing on the show tonight. ( applause ) which brings us to the end of season one. this is it. this is a full year of shows on "the late show"." thank you, guys. thank you, audience, everybody
( cheers and applause ) thank you. thank you to the whole staff. guys, go get some rest. we gotta go do it again. so, this is still happening. donald trump is still in the news. you guys have heard of him? one of the biggest issues he's trying to tackle is inner-city violence. luckily, he recently got an inside tip on how to stop all the crime in chicago. >> all i went to a top police officer in chicago who is not the police chief and he-- i could see by the way he was dealing with his people, he was a rough, tough guy. they respected him greatly. i said, "how do you stop this? how do you stop this?" he said, "mr. trump, i would be able to stop it in one week." and i believed him, 100%. >> stephen: if you think that's impressive, he also saw this movie about how this top robo-policeman who fixed all of detroit in two hours. and how's the magical po-po man going to clean up chi-town? don't ask donald.
exactly, precisely, how. >> no, i didn't ask him because i'm not the mayor of chicago. but i'll tell you what. i sent his name in, and i said, "you probably should hire this guy." ( laughter ) >> stephen: so let's recap here. donald trump claims he met a top police officer who said he could solve chicago's crime faster than it takes to paint a house, and trump's response was, "thank you. i have no follow-ups." but he was so impressed, that he ys and in response, "a spokesman for mayor rahm emanuel seemed slightly confused by trump's apparent suggestion that the chicago police hire someone who already worked for the chicago police." ( cheers and applause ) yeah. i gotta say, the marr's spokesman makes a good point. the mayor should really hire that guy. but if trump really does have a solution, they're open to it.
recently-. ( cheers and applause ) i believe, i believe that's a new one on show 20 wo. i called him chicago's police superintestent. chicago's police superintendent recently said to trump, "if you have a magic bullet to stop the violence, let us know." okay, let me just say here-- a magic bullet to stop violence? kind of a poor choice of that's like saying, "if you have an idea of how to reduce knife violence, take a stab at it!" ( laughter ) or, "if you know of a way to stop arson in the city, fire away!" or "if you've got a new plan for preventing kidnappings, take it away, baby!" but sorry, police department-- donald trump didn't become a fake billionaire by working for free. if you want donald trump's super-secret, crime-fighting plan, you have to elect him president. do you think he would just stop
but the question remains: who was this top cop that trump met with? because the chicago police departments says, "no one in the senior command has ever met with donald trump or a member of his campaign." okay, two possible answers: either trump made him up, or the cop was just deep under cover as a figment of trump's imagination. but we did a little digging, and i am happy to say we have the cop that trump spoke to here tonight. pleads welcome live from chicago via satellite, officer rod johnson. >> happy to be here, stephen. >> stephen: so you met with donald trump? >> that's correct. i was on my way to investigate a noise disturbance, and mr. trump stopped me to ask how we could clean up this city. i told him there's some naughty people out there who need to be in cuffs. >> stephen: wait, naughty--
>> i'm a rough, tough cop, stephen. i'm not afraid to get down and dirty. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, i gotta say, that sounds all well and good, but how are you going to face down criminals if you're not even carrying a gun? >> oh, i've got guns. ? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) stephen, you have the right to remain sexy! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: oh, my god. oh, my god! this is going to be the best
we'll be right back with anna gunn. ( cheers and applause ) ? the bud light party is for everyone. men bar crowd:yeah! women bar crowd: woo! people of all genders! we don't care we'll sell you beer. we'll sell you a beer any day of the week. steel mill workers: yeah! [bell rings] on the first day of school, i learned... it only takes some thing small to go from not friends... to totally friends! ? never underestimate the power of energizer.
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( band playing
) >> stephen: hey! welcome back, everybody. my first guest tonight is an emmy award-winning actress you know as skyler white from "breaking bad." i know her from drinking backstage at the emmys. she now stars in the new movie, "equity." >> i grew up in a house where there was never enough. i was raiseed by a single mom with four kids. i took my first job on wall
brothers through college. but i am not going to sit here and tell you that i only do what i do to take care of other people, because it is okay to do it for ourselves, for how it makes us feel-- secure? yeah. powerful? absolutely. i am so glad that it's finally acceptable for women to talking about ambition openly. but don't let money be a dirty we can like that, too. >> stephen: you go, girl. please welcome anna gunn! ? ? ? ( cheers and applause )
>> stephen: the last time we were together we were both in a good mood because we both won emmys. you won for skylar. >> i had. >> stephen: first year? >> yes. >> stephen: first year of fun. and we bonded over both going to northwestern university. >> we did. >> stephen: i graduated a little before you did. where did you hang out. yesterday's? >> i went to j.b. win berries. >> stephen: i was a waiter. >> i was the artichoke dip very big. >> stephen: the the cajun shrimp fettucine. this was the 80s. everything was blackened in the 1980s. did you work for craig? >> i did! that's crazy, i did. >> stephen: yeah, craig. what's going on. >> i was the world's worst waitress. >> stephen: i need you to go check the bathrooms. okay. come downstairs with me. >> there was a lot of touching. >> stephen: a lot of shoulder rubbing. >> a lot of shoulder rubbing. i'm not that tense, craig.
he was scary. >> yeah, he'd come and ask you down to the office to tip you out. >> stephen: let's talk. >> tip you out. so, yeah, there was j.b. win berrys. there was a little bennigan's. i lived in jones dorm. >> stephen: you were a theater major. the people in jones dorm were like,"i'm going live forever." the leg warmers, the whole thing. how about j.k. sweets. >> i did go there. >> stephen: i lived above sweets. >> now, i remember. >> stephen: you're just being nice pup don't remember anything. >> i'm just trying to play along. >> stephen: now, you're playing-- obviousliy, we know you as skyular, but now you're in "equity" where you play a powerful woman on with the. do you think you could live in that world? are you a good negotiator? >> well, i had to be a good negotiator starting out as an actor, because you really have to chase it down. so i remember going on a
point when i auditioned for a play they really wanted. and the director said, "you're wonderful, but this woman needs to be very unstable, and you actually come across as very stable person." and i went and wrote her a five-page letter-- it was in the days of fax machines still. so she lived in england and i kept trying to fax this five-page letter and kept saying it was incomplete and didn't go through, so i sent it through five times and a ream of fax paper stretching across her house and she read it and said, "i think she is unstable enough to play this role." so there you go. >> stephen: did you do-- you're a real actress. are you method? did you go to-- what's a ride-along on with the? what's the equivalent of doing a ride-along? >> it's like a run-along through goldman sax. they took us on a tour -- >> you went down there and actually followed people around.
through the hallways with these women, and they-- i'm obviously tall and i'm a pretty fast walker. but they navigate those hallways in heels like nobody i've ever seen, and i was practically having to jog to catch up with them. and it was something we wanted to establish in the movie to see naomi as this very powerful woman striding through the hallways there their heels. when i'm aibility of a-- i'm a bit of a heel wimp, and i week of shooting, went up like a banana-- like i slipped on a panana peel, came down on top of my left foot, totally landed on top of my left took, thought it was broken. out of a 24-day shoot-- it wasn't broken, everything was fine. but i had to wear a cast, a boot, and air cast so they shot me knees up for 14 days of a 24-day shoot. >> stephen: are you wearing a cast in that scene? we're seeing you sitting down. >> i think it was two days
and they had gotten all of these established shots of me walking so they actually got it, but i had to learn how to adjust my gate so i wasn't galumping around like that. >> stephen: what do these women say what it's like to be a woman in finance? >> one of the most interesting thing say they had that i didn't really, is that it's a psychological enterprise, really. they have to really know the client's needs. you have to read what they want, whether they need a sort of firm, strong hand. whether gentied along essentially. you have to balance that against the investor's neez. and they talked a lot about having to pay attention to what color you're wearing. pay attention to what your hair is. all those things -- >> which women normally don't do at all. >> no, women don't pay attention to anything like that. >> stephen: gold man sacks specifically-- wall street in general, but goldman is
bankrupt. women are seen as nicer or having a better moral compass as men do. are these women saying they can make wall street better or saying you need to be as greedy and evil as everybody else? >> they're not saying that at all. >> stephen: which one? >> they're not saying the former. wait. which one did you say? >> stephen: are women on wall street-- do they have better moral compasses-- >> i felt they did. i felt they did. and i felt they really were believing in them, believing in, you know, guys who started a company in their garage and taking it into the public sector. and i thought, you know, i really felt that it was a passion for them. it wasn't just about crunching the numbers and making the money. >> stephen: one of the reasons i wanted to ask is because wall street has a likeability problem. like, people don't trust them. they think they're greedy. do you mind playing somebody who is not likable? do you mind the blowback you fet
>> i got blowback from skylar, and there was the skylar hate on the internet. that was a really tough thing to deal with. at first i didn't understand-- was it the way i was playing the part. vincent-- vince gilligan and all the writers, we talked about it. we were really confused. and after a while i realized that it's both the fact that people can say whatever they want anonymously on the internet. nobody ever came up and said,"boy, i hate your character. they would write horrible things on the internet. and i just felt that it was important towards the end of the show-- i wrote an op-ed for the "new york times" about it because i had been asked about it so much. and it seemed to me that it was reflecting how we still are perceiving gender roles and traditionally -- >> i heard those stories but i didn't hear those stories about walter white. >> exactly. >> stephen: they liked the antihero. >> they liked the antihero and they did not like the woman
hillary-trump thing. while people dislike hillary for their own reasons and dislike trump for their own reasons, i think the people who like trump like that people dislike him because they don't want a nice guy in office. they want somebody who will kick ass. >> it's the likeability factor again. when you're looking at hillary clinton, you have to look at her policies, at her intellect, at her, you know, track record, at the fact she's been in public service for all these years, not hairstyle or the color of her outfit. and i think that's something women really do have to deal with. it's something again i learned in my research for the movie, for "equity," and something i went through. i felt like i went through a ring of fire with skylar, but i think the fact we keep speaking out about it, pushing at it, and knocking on that door. i think progress is being made. ( applause ). >> stephen: well, it was lovely to see you. >> thank you, so nice to see
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( cheers and applause ) everybody. a show like this on a network has a lot of big-time sponsors. i know that because cbs made me get tattoos of all their logos. that visa platinum logo is really chafing my crank. but we also offer discounts to smaller companies who want to sponsor the "late show" but can't afford a full commercial. so instead, i just say the name of their product in our twice-running segment "lesser
? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: tonight, my first lesser sponsor tonight: you have a dog to protect your family. you have a have a firearm to protect your home. so why not get real security with lil' bangerz, guns for dogs? an idea whose time has come. just strap a gun our head and hope the burglar's got meat in his pockets. the "late show" is also sponsored by pixar's new "fingertown," the heartwarming story of a city inhabited by talking fingers. starring seth rogen as the voice of mayor harry palm, and danny devito as the villain, papercut. the "late show" is also sponsored to you by torque-y zoom-zooms brand sportscars for children. the only street-legal sports car built by kids, for kids.
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>> stephen: thanks for being here. i'm so glad you're here on this night, pause this is the final show of our first season, 202, and you just finished your first season on cbs' "face the nation." so do you want to celebrate? >> of course! >> stephen: how about we have a little something right there for you, a little something right there, dealer takes one. and i understand you're a fan of a gin >> i am. that's how you celebrate the first year, juniper, right. >> stephen: i didn't realize the first anniversary was the juniper anniversary. >> wow! congratulations! >> stephen: oh, back at you. back at you. all right, here. here's to william paley. there you go. >> yes. ( cheers and applause ) that's really nice. >> okay.
>> let's just finish this and take a nap! >> stephen: exactly. so what have you learned? what's a big thing. give me a little advice. what have you learned in your first year that you think i need to know? >> what have i learned? >> stephen: any of your guests-- >> so i interviewed president obama. >> stephen: okay, there you go. >> i dromed the pen. the-- he-- so i said, "what did your predecessor tell you, advice for the job?" and he said george w. bush gave him some serious advice and then practi a sanitizer. >> stephen: hand sanitizer? >> you shake a lot of hands and so use a lot of hand sanitizer so you won't get sick and you shake even more hands so you don't know where those hands have been. >> stephen: i shook your hand. there you go. ( applause ) it works double duty like this. >> i learned don't do hand sanitizer and then eat cheetos. during one of the conventions--
and then, of course, you have to lick the cheetos off. >> stephen: i put them in a trough and go like this. debates are coming up. here's some interesting things about the way the two candidates are preparing. hillary clinton is, evidently, approaching it very studiously. what you have heard about donald trump's preparation, anything at all? >> what his campaign manager has said is he doesn't want to be-- do it the normal way. he's got his own approach. so they havenv sunday, and it's more of a kind of a conversation than, you know-- i mean, in 1992, bill clinton studied for the town hall debate where they had an audience. they made a mock stage, and they practiced it at a hotel. i mean, they practiced it down takeover little gesture. and that's not what donald trump is doing. >> stephen: hillary clinton can't-- hillary clinton is having trouble finding somebody to sit in for donald trump to be the mock donald trump because no one can can out-mock him. >> that's what i hear.
( laughter ). >> stephen: i will neither confirm nor deny that says john dickerson. all right, who do you have this sunday on "face the nation"? >> we have chris christie is going to be on. it's a surtbat for donald trump. >> stephen: who helped set up the meeting with the mexican president. >> and also who is doing the transition. >> stephen: the possible transition. >> right. >> stephen: you almost made me faint just now. >> hillary clinton has her own person doing thetr well. he's getting everything ready should the trump presidency happen. and jeff flake from arizona, trump made the trip to arizona, and flake has been very involved in the immigration issue. and he's also one of the senators, republican senators who is still in the "never trump" camp. so we'll see if he's changed his mind. >> stephen: your new book is called "whistlestop." i'm a fan of this book and i haven't even read it yet. this is based on-- the inspiration is a podcast you do,
"whistlestop," which is your favorite stories from presidential politics. is there anything-- like, you'll talk about, like the ronald reagan "i paid for this microphone," moment. or ed musky crying in new hampshire. is there any story from your archive of the presidential races in the past that you think is applicable to this year that everybody says is unprecedented? >> well, so, there are sort of three-- i know you asked for one. so in 1824, andrew jackson runs, anti-establishme everybody worries about him being a demagogue. they worry everybody is going to vote for him because he's a war hero. and he said you know what? all these elites who are pick the candidates, the nominees of the party, forget them. the people should be picking. the people should have a voice. we heard part of that in this campaign this year sphwhri understand back in the old days you didn't run for president. >> no, in fact to run for president was showed you lacked the virtue for the office.
>> they had to come and say, "please, please be our president." >> absolutely. this was part of the double game they were playing which was, "i don't upon the office," and then you had all your friends out there working really hard to help you get in the office. and that norm was broken in 1840 with william henry harrison. >> stephen: obviously. >> sure, as everyone knows. >> stephen: yeah. >> who was only in office for not even long enough to give a state of the union. but so 1964, goldwater runs. there is a "stop movement, which is like the "never trump "movement. and the other parallel would be 1968, george wallace. the clip you played earlier when trump was talking about the chicago cop, wallace says basically the same thing. he said if the cops were in charge, this country would be fixed in two years. >> stephen: if you want to understand what's happening and what might happen in the future,
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( band playing ) ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is a swedish inventor and youtube star best really good at not doing what they're meant to. please welcome simone yetch! simone, thanks so much for being here. here. >> you're welcome, you're very welcome. >> stephen: when did you start building roberts? >> i started doing hardware hacking two years ago and i had ideas i wanted to prototype and was always looking for somebody to do it for me until i was like, hey, i can teach myself to
>> stephen: so you taught yourself. >> googling. >> stephen: i have to write that down. google, that sounds like a good source. >> google it. google how to google you. >> stephen: have a specific title. you're not just a robot mairk. you're the queen of something. you can tell people because i can't say it. >> the queen of ( bleep ) robots. i asked, and we can say crappy. >> stephen: we can say crappy robots. >> or shoddy. >> stephen: how do you say the whole sentence in >> ( bleep ). i would guess. but it doesn't translate that well. >> stephen: it sounds so much classier in swedish. i'm dying to know if cbs will bleep any of the words you just said? >> i think they'll bleep all of them to be sure. >> stephen: a lot of the robots you make are dangerous. we'll get to one in a second. we have a clip here of you. you made a robot that will cut your hair, a drone. >> put a pair of scissors on's drone. >> stephen: can we show that,
( laughter ) >> stephen: okay. congratulations. ( cheers and applause ). >> it's a great look. yeah, it's a great look. >> stephen: truly a crappy robot. what do we have first here? >> a the lot of the products i do they spur from some sort of everyday problem i have. so i chop a lot of vegetables, and it's kind of a boring thing to do. nobody really likes it. so i thought i can machine do it for me. so we're going to put carrots in here. >> stephen: those are sharp, actual knives. >> yeah. >> stephen: i will back away. >> i can trust you with this? >> stephen: i have precounted my fingers. >> so we just switch it on. ( laughter ) and here we go. yeah. so this is perfect for a nutritious meal. we can-- we can do some other vegetables as well. we can do a little bit of a cucumber.
>> are you sure. >> stephen: there we go. all right. >> and we some mini carrots if you want that as well. >> stephen: this is actually how the baby carrots are made. this is a thing of nightmare i would love to see money in a quentin tarantino wear on their chest. what do we have here? >> the battle of the vegetables coming up. you eat your food and need to brush your teeth, and it's also kind of a boring thing to do. >> stephen: am i putting this on? >> do you want to? >> nope, not particularly. >> do you want him to? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: okay. all right. now, this one doesn't have any knives-- whoa! any knives attached to it, does it? >> no, just the toothbrush. i'm not sure it hasn't cleaned, though. but that's-- that's fine. >> stephen: all right, all right. >> this is just-- okay, so you
>> stephen: i'm so terrified. >> and you need to open your mouth, show your teeth. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: okay. >> how do you feel? >> stephen: clean, oh, my gosh. >> yeah. >> stephen: that was a brusque with death. all right. now what is this next one right here? i'm all clean. what do i do now? >> so now you need to-- i mean, this is all ju g so you have to get your make up done. ( laughter ) >> stephen: all right, where do i go? where should my head be? >> i'll show you. so just stay put. >> stephen: stay put? >> stay put. okay-- okay, now you need to go here. go there. right there ( laughter )
>> you look fantastic! you look fantastic! >> stephen: thank you, thank you. >> i also want to get some in here. >> stephen: why, missyech, i'm beautiful. >> i also upon to be pretty. you need to get it all over it, like, just so you don't miss any spots. >> stephen: okay, uh-huh. >> we look like we had a rough night. >> stephen: we really do. >> or a really good night! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: uh-huh. this is also another horrible scene from a quentin tarantino movie. and what do we have here? >> so here we have, just to round thengz off, a clapping machine. the applause machine. because you don't upon to have to clap your own hands. that's a thing of the past. this is the future. >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, the clapping machine. ( applause )