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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  September 5, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am PDT

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>> stephen: let's see what donald trump is saying about hillary clinton now. >> she's the devil. >> stephen: huh. i wonder if that's true. amy, can you get me the devil, please? >> hello. >> stephen: thank you! >> she's good. >> stephen: okay, donald trump says that hillary clinton is you. >> i'm cool with that. >> stephen: wait, wait, you are? >> yeah, i mean, we don't agree on everything, but you have got to admit her nomination is historic. i feel like i'm part of something. wait, has anyone compared me to trump? >> stephen: no, not that i'm aware of. >> oh, good. i may be prince of lies, but i pay my subcontractors. well, i better get back to the pool of flaming excrement.
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>> no, i'm going to rio for the olympics. >> it's the late show with stephen colbert! tonight, stephen welcomes will smith, logan lerman, and musical guest, tony bennett. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: hey! thank you very much! hey!
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thanks, everybody, you're very kind. >> jon: whooo! stephen colbert! >> stephen: thanks, everybody, please have a seat. oh, my goodness. oh, that's very kind of you, but i happen to know you're only applauding so you can feel your fingers again. welcome to the "late show," everybody. i'm your host, stephen colbert this evening. and listen. ( cheers and applause ) the feeling is mutual. the feeling is mutual, ladies and gentlemen. i want you to know something. i want you to know something. i come to work every day wanting to start the show with something other than donald trump. ( laughter ) and yet, every day, more words come out of his face. ( laughter )
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where to begin? where should we start with this one? it's a lot of face. here's one-- donald trump is in hot water for some comments he made about former fox news c.e.o. and alleged uncle touch- too-much, roger ailes. ( laughter ) alleged. when asked how he would feel if his daughter ivanka was sexually harassed, trump said, "i would like to think she would find another career or find another company, if that was the case." ( audience reacts ) yeah. is that so hard? when a woman is sexually harassed, it is up to her to leave that company and simply find a new job at all those other companies where women are leaving for some reason. ( laughter ) ( applause ) like musical chairs. it's musical chairs. but when the music stops, you have to sit on your boss' lap. now, some are pointing out that ivanka has worked only for her father and, therefore, would
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>> if ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps i'd be dating her. >> stephen: she should really report that to the head of her company. you know, trump's had such a rough couple of days, you know, since the democratic convention. i think he deserves a medal. and today, he got one. >> a man came up to me, and he handed me his purple heart. now, i said to him, i said to him, "is that, like, the real one, or is that a copy?" and he said, "that's my real purple heart. i have such confidence in you." and i said, "man, that's like-- that's like big stuff. i always wanted to get the purple heart." >> stephen: yeah, he's... i don't know if you heard that, he says, "i've always wanted a
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you know? he always wanted the award you get for being wounded in battle. he just never had the opportunity. man, he must kick himself over those five deferments he requested from the vietnam draft. what are the odds? darn it! darn it! well, what are you going to do? well, maybe he'll get a purple heart for shooting himself in the foot. ( applause ) it might be stuff like this that has inspired the president to say to say today that "donald president." ( cheers and applause ) now keep in mind, keep in mind, however you feel about these candidates, those words have never been said by a sitting president of any nominee, ever. that includes when chester a. arthur refused to question the qualifications of stink eye willie, the pie-stealing hobo. ( laughter ) very close. stink eye. very strong on transportation
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now, of course, donald trump doesn't care if the "establishment" thinks he's "fit" for the "job." ( laughter ) he's a "man" of the people. that's why yesterday, trump tweeted this photo of himself on his private jet, eating k.f.c. there it is, extra crispy and some chicken. stuck in my throat. that joke stuck in my throat, literally. ( cheers and applause ) that punch line stuck in my throat like a chicken bone. it does bolster his military credentials, because he clearly has a close relationship to the colonel. ( laughter ) but, i think-- just looking at that photo, i think he is blowing the whole "man of the people" thing by eating his k.f.c. with silverware! excuse me, excuse me! mr. trump, what part of "finger
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it's right there. on the side. i think that's illegal. i think that's illegal. and just some advice, if you want to seem relatable, don't eat k.f.c. on a private jet. if you want to be relatable, eat lobster on a cross-town bus. ( applause ) now, i would love to see that. that would be fantastic. speaking of donald trump. donald trump. we have got more donald trump. today trump held a rally where he focused on very specific youth outreach. >> i have the biggest bank in the world, is a tenant of mine in new york, the biggest in the world, a chinese bank. ( baby cries ) don't worry about that baby. i love babies. i love babies. i hear that baby crying. i like it. i like it.
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don't worry, don't worry. the mom is running around like-- don't worry about it. it's young and beautiful and healthy, and that's what we want. >> stephen: you see? you see? he can be a nice guy. okay? i should apologize-- what's that? >> actually, i was only kidding. you can get the baby out of here. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yeah! yeah! get the baby out of here! baby! that baby-- so close, so close to humanity. that crying baby wants to stay here, it needs to act like an adult. because when we adults listen to trump, we weep silently. ( cheers and applause ) oh, and in-- there is-- get out
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i am feeling horribly betrayed this evening. there are certain-- ( audience reacts ) thank you, thank you, thank you very much. there are certain things we've all been told to do in order to live a healthy life: eat vegetables, even though they're disgusting. drink water, even though it's disgusting. ( laughter ) and, of course, floss your teeth. well, it turns out, flossing might be unnecessary because after looking at 25 studies on the effectiveness of flossing, the associated press has determined that the evidence for unreliable," of "very low" quality, and carries "a moderate to large potential for bias." oh, but the hell you have to pay if you don't floss. oh, they shame you when you go in for the cleaning, don't they? yeah, yeah. the night before you always go, "oh, damn, i've got to floss now." >> jon: they know. >> stephen: they know that you didn't floss. >> jon: you haven't been flossing. >> stephen: they know the whole time. >> jon: you'll be swollen.
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your sink at home looks like you shot a quentin tarantino movie in there. it looks like "the hateful eight" when you're done, you're so desperate. but we've been lied to! you lied to me, dental hygienist dawn. well that does it. based on this news, i'm going to stop flossing 38 years ago. stick around, everybody. we'll be right back with the great will smith. ( cheers and applause )
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? ? ? >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my first guest tonight is an
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gives me great pleasure to say, please welcome will smith! ? ? ? ( applause ) ? ? ? >> that's a good band. hey! ( cheers and applause ) let me go kiss that lady. i'm going to go kiss that lady. oh, man. hey! oh, man!
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i was watching-- i was watching in the back when-- the -- >> at the top of the show. >> what's your name, miss? >> debbie. >> debbie! how you doing, debbie? ( cheers ) >> stephen: well, that's all we have time for. thank you so much, will. it's always a pleasure, always a pleasure. it's great to have you on. you know-- that's a real superstar, a guy who can take his time with the audience like that. not everybody can do that. that is truly a skill what you >> oh, man, i cut that down. that was the short version. i didn't want to mess your time up. >> stephen: the first time i met you was in 2008. you were on the old show. >> yup. >> stephen: 3,000 people i've interviewed. you're the only person who came straight into the rewrite room and came over and said, "hi, i'm will smith. i'm very happy to be here." i thought, "i think this guy is running for president of my show tonight." obama was running that year and you said that maybe you should be the first black president. >> yeah, i missed it.
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no, i was thinking about it, you know. but i watched obama for the last eight years. that's a hard job, man. >> stephen: yeah, yeah, it is, it is, yeah. eight years ago, he looked like you look now. >> yeah, right, exactly, exactly. i was like, man! ( applause ) no, that-- >> stephen: you ever think about it? because people would vote for you? you'd vote for him, wouldn't you? >> debbie would. debbie would for sure. you have to get the debbies. does politics hold any interest for you? >> you know, i definitely have had the itching, you know. i've had-- you know, i have lots of views and ideas and sometimes i hear people say things on television, and i just want to run against them. ( laughter ) >> stephen: run straight at them? >> just straight at them and knock them over. but, you know, it's-- it's something-- i think it's not
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>> stephen: like politics and acting, it's a fine line. >> yeah, it really is. it really is. >> stephen: because you have got to hold the audience's attention. >> and there are good actors and bad actors in the same way. >> stephen: that's true. >> i've definitely thought about it. my wife has said on numerous occasions, "hell no." ( laughter ) >> stephen: is that a direct quote? >> yes, it's a direct quote. >> stephen: let me write that down, "hell no." >> i'm note said. >> stephen: you know what might be the next best thing? you, i think, would do a great job playing the role of barack obama. >> yeah, that might be good. that might be good. >> stephen: do you have-- have you worked on your obama? because you guys both have swagger? >> yeah, swagger. we've talked about it a couple of times. >> stephen: you and obama have talked about it? >> we've talked about it. >> stephen: hold on. >> yeah, me and "b" was talking about it the other day.
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>> you know, we was just chatting. but we talked about-- we talked about it a couple of times. he said the one thing what is for sure, i have the ears to play him. yeah. >> stephen: that's true. >>i think that is-- >> stephen: the man does not need the n.s.a. he can hear what everybody is saying all the the time. ( laughter ) after eight years of the barack obama presidency, there was all this sort of hope that we were in a sort of a-- or talk at least about, that we were moving into a post-racial society. at relations, given the tension now in the united states after eight years of the obama presidency? >> you know, it's interesting. i always look at these things in terms of a marriage, you know. so i-- i've done my 10,000 hours of marriage counseling, right. so, you know, so jada and i have worked really hard to develop a successful relationship. so i always look at things in terms of relationships.
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there's a thing that happens before things are cleaned up. there's a darkness before the dawn that is always difficult, you know... ( applause ) thank you, thank you. >> stephen: so now-- >> so, you know, when i hear people-- when i hear people say, "it's worse than it's ever been," i really disagree completely. it's clearly not worse than it was in the '60s, you know. and it's certainly not as bad as it was in the 1860s. ( laughter ) right? you know. so-- >> stephen: sort of like a doctor has to go open the abscess to drain the wound. you've got to see what's going on? >> we are talking about race in this country more clearly and openly than we have almost ever in the history of this country. it's on the table. ( applause ) you know.
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history of sort of ignoring problems until you can't anymore. >> yeah, i think racism is not getting worse. it's getting filmed, you know, you know. so i think-- i think that -- >> stephen: the revolution may not be televised but it's being tweeted. >> it's being tweeted, for sure. i really think this darkness, as bad as it is and as difficult as it is, the problems are on the table, you know. so i-- i view that in same way as jada and i had to work when the truth comes out, when it gets on the table and you have to confront what's real, it sucks. >> stephen: sometimes one of the two people says, "oh, hell no." >> oh, hell no. oh, hell no. if you think you're going to be doing that in this relationship, you've got another think coming. you know. no, but i do view it as a difficult time, but i think-- i think it's-- the problem's on the table. and i think there's an
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level of understanding that we've never had before, you know. >> stephen: that is a very hopeful way of looking at it. >> absolutely. ( applause ). >> stephen: i'll tell you what i'm hopeful about. i'll tell you something that i'm looking forward to, and this is sincere, is "suicide squad." i'm really looking forward to that. ( applause ) i have rarely been as excited for a summertime movie than this one. you play deadshot. >> deadshot, yeah. >> stephen: you're an assassin. >> yes. >> stephen: and you also have >> i have a heart. an assassin with a heart. ( laughter ) >> stephen: and i think we have a clip right here. jimmy? >> hey, angelo, this is the exterminator you called for your rat problem. my account's looking a little thin. >> no one gets paid until what needs to get done, gets done. >> nope, that's not the rules. no money, no honey. they're taking him out of the car now. in about 30 seconds your window is going to close forever.
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we sent it. >> now double it. you've got 10 seconds. >> we're not the kind of people you play with. >> did you threaten me? this dude is going to get a sore throat from all the singing he's about to do. >> you son of a-- >> pleasure doing business with you, angy. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i can't wait. i can't wait. we've got to take a little break here. we'll be right back with more will smith. stick around. ( applause ) ? ? ? today sarah's class is reading my most celebrated work, hamlet. but, alas, poor sarah's home again with tooth pain. she's missing out on the rich classroom discussion and catching up on social media instead.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. we're here with will smith. now-- >> yeah! >> stephen: you people at home,
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he just made these people feel. check it out online. i'm sure we'll put it up some place. now, i actually had one other question about "suicide squad." >> yes. >> stephen: this is great ensemble of big stars, each playing these sort of super villains. and we had margot robbie on here, who plays harley quinn. >> yeah, she's fantastic. >> stephen: and she said she has her own tattoo gun, like-- >> yes, yes. >> stephen: and that she was tattooing the word "squad" on all of y'all. >> not all of us. >> stephen: did you not get the "squad" tattoo? >> see, here's the thing. see i try-- i try to keep myself young and in shape and, you know, this cast is a the lot of, you know, 20-year-olds. right? and the thing about a 40-year- old hanging with a 20-year-old is you realize really quick you're not a 20-year-old.
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good. pretty good shape, man. >> so she comes in, you know, with her -- >> stephen: with the needle. >> her full 20-year-old glory and a tattoo gun, "hey, everybody! let's give each other tattoos." "no." ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: why not? not even like-- not even like in, like, a hidden place or anything like that? >> no, just no. no. so she started giving everybody tattoos, and i am easily so i didn't get one, but i gave a really bad one. ( laughter ). >> stephen: you used it and gave somebody else-- >> yeah, i gave somebody a really bad, really bad tattoo. joel kenneman, he plays lieutenant flagg. and he was like, "come on. tattoo! tattoo! tattoo!" and i was like, "yeah!" and i was like, "oh!
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>> stephen: so you-- so you showed some reserve there. >> yeah, no, i mean, i didn't do it, but it's like he has one for the rest of his life. >> stephen: for you, you-- >> for me, i was like nah! i'm good. i'm 40. >> stephen: you put a lot of thought into the things you do. you don't go off half-cocked. >> no, no, i like to keep it really, somewhat cerebral. >> stephen: i believe that. i believe that, because i mean, are you a deep person? >> oh, hell yeah. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, i thought that about you. i thought you were deep. >> it's funny that you ask me that kind of question because i'm so deep-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm deep, too. that's why i ask questions about whether somebody's deep. >> oh! that's deep. ( laughter ) >> stephen: and, you know, these people may know, whenever i have a guest who is as deep as you are, and as deep as i am, i like to invite them to contemplate the mysteries of the universe with me in a segment we call "big questions with even bigger
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: wow, what a beautiful night. >> yeah. >> stephen: look at that sky. >> lots of stars and stuff. >> stephen: yeah. i feel really close to you right now, will. ( laughter ) >> stephen: hmmm. >> you know, stephen? >> stephen: yeah, will? >> how do you want to be thought of by your great-great grandchildren? >> stephen: oh, i think i'd like them to think of me as still being alive. ( laughter ) >> yeah. >> stephen: you know? >> yeah, that would be good. >> stephen: hey, will?
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medical advancements, how long do you think humans will be able to live? >> well, not long enough to watch your whole netflix queue. >> stephen: probably not, probably not. ( laughter ) >> stephen? >> stephen: yeah, will. >> you ever wonder if we're all, like, just inside of some dog's dream? ( laughter ). >> stephen: no, because if we were, then there wouldn't be vacuum cleaners. >> oh! well, unless it's a nightmare. >> stephen: true, good point. ( barking ) >> yeah. what do you want on your gravestone? >> stephen: i think, "well, i thought it was funny." ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) >> stephen?
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>> when-- when someone calls you but it's a wrong number, do you ever think about that's the last time you'll ever talk to that person? ( laughter ) >> stephen: no, because i call them back a year later for revenge. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: a shooting star! >> oh! >> stephen: wish on it. don'll won't come true? >> it already didn't. ( laughter ) ( applause ) hey, stephen, if you could trade places with anyone on earth, just anyone. >> stephen: anybody? >> anybody, who would it be? >> stephen: i'd have to say you, will.
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>> stephen: what about you? >> uh, i'd say you. >> stephen: oh, oh, man, that's so nice. >> yeah, but only after you were me. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: oh, okay. yeah. >> i'd still be will smith, but i'd be like, "hey, i admire that guy." ( laughter ) stephen? >> stephen: will. >> what do you think about when you close your eyes? >> stephen: that i probably shouldn't be driving? ( laughter ) will, will, do you-- do you believe in reincarnation? >> um, no. but i did in a past life. ( laughter ) >> stephen: will, are you an
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>> um, that depend on how cold the water is. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: do you believe in free will? ( laughter ) >> oh, no, man. i'm really expensive. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yeah. >> higher power? >> stephen: oh, yeah, definitely. and they're telling me we have to go to commercial right now. >> oh! >> stephen: will smith, everybody. "suicide squad" opens worldwide this friday. we'll be right back. thank you, will. ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. my next guest tonight has starred in "the perks of being a wallflower" and "fury." he now stars in a new film, "indignation." please welcome, logan lerman! ( cheers and applause ) ? ? ? hello. ( cheers and applause ) hello! thank you so much for having me. i'm a huge fan. >> stephen: thanks for being here. >> thank you. >> stephen: you're in a very serious film right now called "indignation," by the very serious author phillip roth. but before you were that, people know you as percy jackson, from the percy jackson series, super fun series of movies. but also "perks of being a wallflower" and "fury." what was it like doing the
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because you were all guys in a tank. >> oh it was very loud. it was a crazy experience for me. >> stephen: super bloody movie. >> got to work with some really cool people. >> stephen: yeah. brad pitt. >> brad pitt for one. yeah, he's a handsome dude. >> stephen: you're only 24 years old and yet you're worked with some huge guys: brad pitt, mel gibson, christian bale. >> i went through the child actor mill. i've been doing it for a long time. >> stephen: did they pass you around and say, "he's a >> i grew up in l.a., and i was successful and give it a shot. and kids get sucked into the machine of, here's an audition, and now i'm here. i don't know how i ended up here, but somehow i'm on your show. >> stephen: you worked very hard. that's how you got here. any of these older actors who have been around for a long time, do any of them act as mentors to you? >> yeah, you know, a lot of them have. they've given me advice and things to keep in mind over the years.
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because that's a great pickup line. >> yeah, "brad pitt is my mentor." gives me advice-- >> stephen: he's told me i should bring my girlfriend over sometime. >> no, no, he-- no. you know, funny enough, working with him was great but we really were just in our roles and emulated our characters' relationships where there were a lot of conflicts and there was some conflict when we were working together. >> stephen: conflict with brad fit? >> yeah, for sure. >> stephen: like, what kind of conflict? >> you know, i was-- so my character in that film was basically he's a nonconformist, and i was trying to be, you know, a nonconformist throughout the shoot. so i'd kind of be a little bit of a jerk while working with him. and i'm not sure if i left a great impression, you know. and then-- but that was just, you know, for the work and, you know, trying to maintain the conflict and things like that. but after, you know, filming we became friends.
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he's someone who is just really generous, gives a lot, asks for little to nothing in return and just a good dude. >> stephen: does he ever talk about me? does he ask about me? did i come up at all? >> maybe once or twice. >> stephen: okay. say hi. >> i will. i'll hook you up. >> stephen: tell him to stop by some time. >> for sure. >> stephen: it will be fun. now in the new movie, you play marcus mezzener. >> i do. >> stephen: and is described in is he a nice jewish boy? >> yeah. it depends. he's a little bit off-putting. >> stephen: because i don't know what makes you a nice jewish boy. >> he's a nice jewish boy but he's opinionated. he's very opinionated, has strong opinions and convictions and he is a little hard to get along with, but-- no, he's not that nice. he's all right. he's all right. he's smart. he's smart and he challenges you.
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conflict with brad pitt ever? >> not in this one, no, but with tracy letts, who is a wonderful actor if you guys don't know him, a wonderful playwright. >> stephen: a brilliant author as well. in a lot of phillip roth novels, people are drawn to them because they got the sexy time in there. is there sex in this movie? >> oh, there's some sexy time in this, for sure. there are some really sexy moments. there's a beautiful ve in here and it's not your typical hollywood love story. it's different. it's different from everything out there in theaters right now, you know, this film in particular. but, yeah, there is some sexy time and a beautiful romance in the film. >> stephen: i think we have a clip here that gives us the beginning of it. jim? >> do you want to try one? >> no, not really. >> so marcus mezzener decided to take olive vahutton in the only fancy french restaurant in all of franklin county.
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is this all right? >> hey, relax. you're so intense. >> trust me, i'm trying. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: and then-- and then some sexy time. >> and then some sexy time. >> stephen: sexy time after that. you have said that this is a great time for independent film. >> it is. including the director of your film, whose name is-- james schamus. who is a wonderful, wonderful filmmaker. >> stephen: he at one point said that independent film is dead. >> yeah, no, no it's not. it's booming. it's booming. everything great that is happening in the film world is happening in independent film. ( cheers and applause ) and whoever says-- whoever disses independent film is-- is just not aware of what's happening i guess. >> stephen: which marvel super
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>> i have no idea, man. i have no idea. look, i can say this. i can say this. all the best movies out there that i want to see are happening in the independent film world. they're not formulaic films. they're to challenge you and be different. support independent film, please. don't go downloading movies-- or at least the independent films-- on the internet. check this one out. >> stephen: we have got to go but am i correct in hearing that your fans are called "ler- maniacs?" >> yeah. >> stephen: are there any ler- maniacs here tonight? ( cheers and applause ) there are maniacs of all stripes. "indignation" is in theaters now. logan lerman, everybody! we'll be right back. ? ? ? poor mouth breather. allergies? stuffy nose? can't sleep? take that. a breathe right nasal strip instantly opens your nose
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it's the summer, summer, ? summertime ? rock-a-bye michael, your day is through. ? ? cause sealy's support is perfect for you. ? only the sealy hybrid has posturepedic technology to support you where you need it most. sealy. proud supporter of you. (backwards music) (backwards music) (music) only those who dare drive the world forward.
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>> stephen: tomorrow, the empire state building will change it's lights to celebrate my next guest's life and musical legacy. ladies and gentlemen, tony bennett! ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause )
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? ? ? ? as i approach the prime of my life ? i find i have the time of my life ? learning to enjoy at my leisure ? all the simple pleasures and so i happily concede ? that this is all i ask this is all i need ? beautiful girls walk a little slower
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lingering sunsets ? stay a little longer by the lonely sea ? children everywhere when you shoot at bad men, ? shoot at me take me to that ? strange enchanted land grown-ups seldom understand ? wandering rainbows leave a bit of color
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stars in the night ? make my wish come true before the night has flown ? and let the music play as long as there's ? a song to sing and i will stay younger ? i will stay younger i will stay
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( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, tony. tony bennett! tony bennett! tony, thank you so much for being here. >> my pleasure. >> stephen: happy... 90th birthday tomorrow, right? you saw on the screens behind tony when he sang, are all painted by tony himself, who is a brilliant artist. brilliant visual artist. tony, before you go, we've got one song we'd like to sing to you. ready? ? happy birthday to you happy birthday to you
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happy birthday to you ? ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you very much! >> stephen: bruce willis, everybody! happy birthday, tony! i'm catherine cortez masto and i approve this message. four years ago i was diagnosed with breast cancer
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voted ten times to defund planned parenthood which thousands of nevada women depend on for cancer screenings. congressman heck even threatened to shut down the federal government to eliminate funding for planned parenthood.
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>> stephen: that's it for the
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good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ? are you ready y'all to have some fun ? feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ? what you had for breakfast it'll come out all right ? it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from mississippi,


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