tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS September 15, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
and i approve this message. captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: if your health is as strong as it seems, why not share your records? >> i have no problem doing it. >> stephen: these are the re >> these were all of the tests just done. >> good. >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, stephen welcomes tracee ellis ross, andrew rannells, and mac miller featuring anderson paak and jon batiste and "stay human." now, at the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert!
? ? ? >> stephen: hey! hey! nice to see ya! ( cheers and applause ) i got it! whoo! thank you so much! thank you, ladies and gentlemen! please! thank you so much! welcome to "the late show"! ( cheers and applause ) wow! wow. thank you. that is a fresh audience. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: they got a good vibe! >> stephen: you know the audience is fresh, because we keep it here in the crisper. welcome to the "late show." i'm stephen colbert.
everybody wants to know about how the candidates are feeling. there has been a lot of talk about the candidates' health in this election. a lot of people are worried hillary clinton isn't healthy enough to be president, and a lot of people are worried that donald trump is. ( laughter ) like that. one or the other. don't know. you don't know which one to be worried about that. and it's no surprise people are raising the health issue, candidates ever to square off in a presidential election. which means, whoever wins, white house state dinners will now start at 4:30 p.m. ( laughter ) early bird special. it's the early bird special. >> jon: that old early bird! ( piano riff ) >> stephen: i waited tables for many years. >> jon: oh, yeah? >> stephen: i waited tables for many years and there was a guy who used to come into the restaurant i worked at, called
he had the early bird special every night. you wrote "abe," and took it to the kitchen, it was whatever the fish was, and then he would say, "i'll have a honeymoon salad: lettuce alone, no dressing." ( laughter ) abe. abe. ( laughter ) what were we talking about? oh, right. the election. i about the candidates' stamina so much, how strong they are. it's like we've gone back to a primitive society in which whatever village elder can lift the biggest stone will be made chieftain. yesterday, hillary clinton addressed all of this by releasing a letter from her doctor. >> right now, we have a summary of some new information about hillary clinton's health from the clinton campaign. we know that the results of her
the doctor calls this a mild non-contagious bacterial pneumonia. she is up to date on her vaccinations. >> stephen: good, up to date on her vaccinations. okay, she is ready for first grade. good to hear. ( laughter ) in fact, i believe we have footage of her getting on the school bus. okay, there she is. she seems a little nervous. you'll feel better when you get there, honey. >> jon: wow... >> stephen: but overall, it sounded like a good report. >> the remainder of her complete physical exam was normal, and she is in excellent mental condition. >> stephen: unfortunately, excellent mental condition-- not what the voters are looking for this year. ( laughter ) ( applause ) not high on the list, evidently. ( piano riff ) not to be out-letter-from-
his medical records on the "dr. oz show." "dr. oz," the place america turns for to medical advice, when "wheel of fortune" goes to commercial. little lumps in here. dr. oz has a huge following, of course, but he is not without controversy, such as the "study by a british medical journal found that about half the claims made on his show were not supported by evidence." hey, if you want evidence in ( laughter ) and i don't think any of us should be shocked that he pushes diets and remedies that only work in a fantasy world. he's not doctor kansas. he's doctor oz! ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( song from wizard of oz ) i'm not sure--
thanks very much. and when he met with the good doctor, trump wasted no time getting the audience excited for his records. >> if your health is as strong as it seems, why not share your medical records? >> well, i have no problem in doing it. i have it right here. i mean, should i do it? i don't care. should i do it? >> stephen: should i do it? i don't care. should i do it? i believe those are the exact words he will say right before he pushes the button. should i do it? should i do it? i don't care. should i do it? should i?" ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: oh, no! >> stephen: it's funny because it might happen. >> jon: yep. >> stephen: now, trump admitted he's overweight. he's taking medication for high cholesterol-- and i think i may know why.
trump eats a fair amount of fast food because, according to him, "at least you know what's in it." ( laughter ) you know what's in it? donald, the only thing we know less about than what's in fast food is what is in your tax returns. ( cheers and applause ) 70-year-old candidate to diagnose himself. >> when you look into the mirror, how old is the person you are looking at? what do you see? >> i would say, i see a person that's 35 years old. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: 35? donald, that's not your reflection, that's your wife.
beautiful woman! beautiful woman. she's a beautiful woman. >> jon: cold blooded! it's true. >> stephen: beautiful woman. trump also said he doesn't exercise that often, but even so, he's good enough at golf to play with the pga. that's a real medical shocker. judging by the size of his hands, i would have guessed minigolf. ( piano riff ) which, according to a new survey out of the university of california, overall, most u.s. men are satisfied with their genitals. so satisfied, in fact, that many would like to text you a picture of them. the researchers behind this survey came up with a scale called the "index of male genital image," also known as "tinder."
this index asked how men felt about every aspect of their genitals, such as penis length, girth, shape, and scent. look, fellas, if you can get your nose close enough to smell your own genitals, first of all, congratulations. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) second of all... when do you ever go out? ( laughter ) researchers found that out of the nearly 4,000 men surveyed, a total of 86% were classified as "satisfied" with their penises. while the other 14% said, "yes, of course i'm satisfied. why, what did you hear?
they could be surveyed, i'm not sure if the penises would be all that satisfied with the men they were attached to. "ehh, he's okay. could be a little taller. also, why won't he let me sleep?" now, say hi to jon batiste and stay human, everybody! ? ? >> stephen: you know, one of the other issues people have been talking a lot about this election is the clinton foundation, and whether big donors received favors from hillary clinton when she was secretary of state. but whatever you think about the
real charity work-- earthquake relief in haiti, expanded access to h.i.v. drugs in africa, and one assumes they're working on a cure for secret pneumonia. but now-- somebody's got to do it. but now trump is under fire for his charity, the trump foundation, because it gave an illegal donation to florida attorney general and rush chairman who doesn't believe you're the theta material, pam bondi, when she was considering investigating fraud at trump university. and yesterday, we learned that new york attorney general eric schneiderman is investigating trump's foundation. we don't know much about the trump foundation. all we know is that nearly all of the foundation's money comes from people other than trump. and trump is truly generous with other people's money. for instance, in 2010, trump got
police foundation for his "selfless support" of its cause. and that's unusual, because trump usually marries his trophies. ( cheers and applause ) again, beautiful. beautiful. absolutely beautiful. and this selfless gift truly had no "self" in it because the $150,000 he gave to the palm beach police came directly from a new jersey charity who gave the money to his foundation. that $150-grand couldn't be a more of a re-gift if it was on an itunes gift card. best of all, in the trump charitable spirit, trump may have actually made money that night because the gala was held at his mar-a-lago resort, and the police foundation paid to rent the room. ( audience reacts ) that's the soul of charity: you scratch my back, and i rent you a back-scratcher. ( laughter ) but, one of the foundation's
office". because in charity auctions, it spent $12,000 on a football helmet autographed by tim tebow, and $20,000 on a six-foot-tall painting of donald trump. and i believe we have that painting. do we have that, jimmy? ( laughter ) there you go. yes. that, of course, is actually vigo the carpathian from "ghostbusters two," but the first time i saw it this afternoon, i didn't know we had made it up. it really looks like something he would buy. and with all this good work, it's no surprise that the trump foundation has a staff of four trumps: donald, ivanka, eric and donald jr., who work a grueling half-hour a week, and that includes two 15-minute breaks. ( laughter ) got to have 'em.
but despite all this controversy, the trump foundation is continuing its charitable outreach with this new ad we somehow exclusively acquired. ? ? ? >> every week, children like these are forced to work for dozens and dozens of minutes on a heartbreaking task-- trying to make donald trump look generous. that's why the trump foundation needs your help. for just the price of a cup of coffee-- inside a new lexus-- you can help donald trump buy so many things, like some solid gold desktop clacky balls, a diamond trophy that says most charitable and a tiger signed by peyton manning. the trump foundation, aren't you glad you helped out? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: do the right thing! do the right thing! we'll be right back with the
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>> stephen: welcome to the show. that is an absolutely stunning dress. >> thank you very much. >> stephen: you look beautiful in it. >> dolce & gabbana. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: is this your first emmy nomination? congratulations. >> it is. when i heard you say it, i thought i like that sound! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: were you awake when they announced it? anthony anderson did the announcements and i was sitting in front of my television. he's a very energetic human. >> stephen: yes, he is. >> and so i was very excited for him. and when it got to my category, i thought, oh, my god, are they doing the "e" of the ellis or the "r" of the ross, and then i thought, they passed the "e's!" and then i got so excited, i got up, ran around my dining room table, opened my front door, ran
and i thought, "what are you doing? there is nowhere to go! call somebody!" >> stephen: so you were running around screaming in your front yard? >> totally. >> stephen: did the neighbors think there was a fire somewhere? >> oh, they're totally used to that. >> stephen: you just informed me of something i didn't know about, the emmys are alphabetized. i didn't know that. >> anthony, when they did his category, his name was first. he must have picked the name, the "a.a.," anthony-- >> stephen: or ace acme. not as good. >> stephen: your family celebrated when you got nominated. this is a full-page ad, from a newspaper, that your mom put out: congratulations to my daughter tracee ellis ross-- ( cheers and applause ) --so sweet. i do want to point out that your mom, the font of "mom" is bigger than "tracee ellis ross."
>> i hadn't actually noticed that. >> stephen: you're welcome. >> it's like a yearbook times a hundred. >> stephen: it is. did anybody sign it? >> no, but you should sign it. >> stephen: hold on. "stay sweet. have a great summer." >> you should make a heart or something. >> stephen: there you go. >> thank you very much. shellacked and framed. >> exactly. ( applause ) >> stephen: so we have been lucky enough, i've had a lot of fun with some of your co-stars, and i'll ask you the same question, what is black-ish? >> okay. >> stephen: i don't know the black experience, i don't think i know the black-ish experience. what is black-ish, as opposed to black? >> okay. >> stephen: good question. it's the hot seat. 30 seconds on the clock.
expresses, being black is not a monolithic experience. >> stephen: mm-hmm. >> so our show explores what it is to be black today and how that evolved and how it's changing and what that experience is for this family. so-- that does not answer your question. >> stephen: no, anything answers my question. >> so that's really what it is. it's exploring what black is today. >> stephen: do y i'm definitely not black. does anyone have a shot at being black-ish? could i have a shot at being black-ish? >> to a certain extent you missed the point by asking that question. ( laughter ) however... however, i understand that, within that question is your desire to be black. >> stephen: to understand each other is what my desire is
>> yes, and i am half white. >> stephen: really? yes. >> stephen: i am all white. ( laughter ) as a matter of fact, in webster's, there is a little picture of me next to the word "white." ( laughter ) you grew up all around the world. >> but i think, the thing is, though, i believe in a colorful world. so it's not about you needing to be something other than what you are. it's about two people celebrating what they are and finding the connection in that and the human experience. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you were a model when you started. >> a short time. >> stephen: a short, fun time? yes. >> lots of not eating. >> stephen: that doesn't sound like fun at all. >> there were a lot of beautiful clothes. when i was in my early 20s-- i'm 43 now so it's a little bit ago, 21 to 23, i walked into a
some modeling. most of the photographers were like, "could you stop talking and be sexy?" i would be telling jokes and being silly. >> stephen: did you go to fashion week? >> i caught a show, i went to the marc jacobs show. i caught a show. >> stephen: wow. did anybody get wobbly on the high heels? >> these were not high heels. they were platform extraordinary shoes. >> stephen: they were high though. >> beyond high, four bricks on top of each other. >> stephen: i watch fashion shows like i watch nascar, i'm waiting for the ankles to snap. >> that's terrible! >> stephen: why? that's hilarious. >> what did you say, honeymoon salad? >> stephen: lettuce alone, no
>> is it like a skinny martini, where they put a lot of vodka and nothing else? >> stephen: just wave the vermouth bottle at it? >> yes. >> stephen: abe would say $8 with the early bird special with the scrod. he would do this every night. same jokes every night. just like i do. >> not at all! >> stephen: you have a character. >> yes. >> stephen: who is this? >> clyde. >> stephen: this is actually you. >> okay. ( speaking in french accent ) >> could i be offended clyde is boring because tracee is boring? my name is her name--
>> stephen: could that mean mushroom? >> yes. ( speaking in french accent ) >> but i don't speak french, i only speak with a french accent. >> stephen: so what would she make of my outfit? >> oh, it's nothing. >> stephen: nothing? no, it's nothing, nothing is happening here, no style, nothing, it's just clothing. now, this... ( cheers and applause ) i will tell you, stefan, i want to be your friend. >> stephen: i want to be blackish. ( laughter ) "black-ish" season three premieres september 21 on abc. tracee ellis ross, everybody! we'll be right back with an important message that just might calm you down. ?
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? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, ladies and gentlemen! ( cheers and
applause ) welcome back, folks! hey, i don't mean to sound dramatic, but we're all going to die, and i think it's the election that's going to kill us. see, tensions have never been higher, because with less than eight days until early voting starts, donald trump and hillary clinton are tied in the polls. which means no matter who you support, your pretty upset. i mean, that candidate might win?! the untrustworthy one, with the questionable foundation?! the one with the famous daughter and the marriage you don't
and what about the health stuff?! that person certainly doesn't look healthy. plus, they don't understand the rest of the country, they're from new york. look, that person is from new york, whoever you support, that other one. look, democracy's had a great run, and so-- oh, excuse me. that gentle tap on my shoulder means it's time for... a "late show" polite reminder. tonight's polite reminder: there's nod the duct tape. just step out of the bath and put that toaster down. you see, here's the polite reminder-- a tie between the candidates around this time in the campaign has happened in every election of this century. romney and obama were tied around now. obama and john mccain were tied on september 17-- two days from now. george w. bush and al gore are still tied.
other won the presidency. ( cheers and applause ) it's even! so, of course hillary and trump are tied right now. it's inevitable. in fact, a late-breaking tie is almost as inevitable as you thought hillary was. and this has been "the late show" polite reminder. ( cheers and applause ) now, in a related story, national polls show 7.6% of really? ( laughter ) given how passionate people are on both sides, how can you still be unsure? that's like saying, "hmm, what do i want for breakfast? cheerios, or a bowl of hornets? i bet they stay crunchy in milk." ( laughter ) and yet, everybody is checking the polls every day. everyone's desperate for any way to read the tea leaves.
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>> thank you! what's happening? nice to see you! it's been a while since i've seen you. >> stephen: it has. the first time you and i met, i had the great honor of introducing you at the tonys for "the book of mormon." ( applause ) >> we had been doing the show but out of context like that it's terrifying to be thrun to that stage in front of tens of people, however many people watch the tonys. but i was really scared and then that song started and i was, like, it's going to be fine, it's going to be fine, then all the moisture left my mouth, so i started singing, and i looked like either jim carrey from the mask or a coke whore-- i don't know what was happening. >> stephen: i'm sorry, what were
which is oddly the same things i said i wanted to be when i grow up. ( laughter ) yes, but it was good. and then i got to see you on the other side at a party which was more fun and i was drunk and-- >> stephen: absolutely. when you do this, you still look happy. >> well, you can do this and you don't even have to smile. ( laughter ) and it's like i don't even have or i'm going to remember that next time i'm, like, not feeling very happy at dwayne reed. >> stephen: good prom photo. >> what are you talking about? oh, my prom photo. >> stephen: right there. can you tell i was aggressively overcompensating for being a gay student in an all-boys catholic school? >> stephen: yeah. >> and that's my friend randi newton with whom i'm still
i was 17 in that photo and i think she was 20. in high school, the difference between a 17-year-old girl and a 20-year-old is like, what the what? she's showing up, she's not even wearing a proper prom dress, she's wearing like a cocktail dress, the priest lost their ( bleep ) minds. ( laughter ) but then everybody assumed i was such a player. they're like, oh, rannells tunes with her. wasn't having sex! ( laughter ) >> stephen: as well you shouldn't. you're from oklahoma. >> omaha, nebraska. >> stephen: one of those states gets an apology now. >> that's all right. >> stephen: but you're from nice people. you have been in some obscene shows.
dirtiest thing i've ever seen. >> i guess. >> stephen: and "girls" gets down and dirty at times. >> trey parker, when we were rehearsing, he would say i don't know if the middle of the country is going to go for this. trey would say, i'm from the midwest and rannells is from the midwest, that's where all the dirty people are from. >> stephen: from the center. yeah. ( laughter ) >> some people assume it's the coast, those are the heathens. , >> stephen: the midwestern people know when they're being dirty so it counts. >> yeah. >> stephen: but people on the coast are so filthy they can't even tell anymore. >> they don't know. >> stephen: so, "girls" wrapping up. >> yes, we're finishing. >> stephen: how did the girls change over the seasons? >> our first job on television.
be on the show but they're actually the proper age. >> stephen: you could be any age between 20 and 42 and i would believe you. >> i'll take both sides of that. >> stephen: okay. >> no, it's been good. i think a lot of people think the cast is, like, it must be crazy, young actresses. >> stephen: cool. >> no, it's a lot of talk about bone density and, like, non-- like they can't have dairy. it's a lot of talk like that. it's more like the "golden girls" than "girls," girls. ( applause ) >> stephen: maybe you should just keep going. they will all look like rue mcclanahan. >> they should. >> stephen: you are the big star. what are you doing here? what is this? ( cheers and applause ) what is this?
you've never heard of, called "pok?mon live. " ( cheers and applause ) 2000, i believe it was. yeah, radio city music hall. i will not say this actress' name because i'm sure she would probably sue me. >> stephen: she's in the witness protection program. >> some of these people i see we were in that show together and it's as if we did porn together or made a snuff film together. >> stephen: that's more midwestern dirty, yeah. this is cbs, we don't say "snuff film" here. >> my career has done better? >> stephen: you're going back to broadway or for a remake of "falsettos." >> yes ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you're built for this show. >> i'm very flattered. it's a show that's never been revised. i'm a huge fan. it was in the tony awards in 1992 and i was so blown away by
it's a really crazy thing that i actually get to be a part of it with a great cast. >> stephen: you all get midwestern dirty. >> little anthony rosenthal, the 12-year-old, is making his broadway debut. >> stephen: you could definitely play 12. ( laughter ) well, congratulations. nice to see you. thank you so much for being here. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: "falsettos" begins september 29. we'll be right back with a performance by mac miller featuring anderson paak! ? ( cheers and applause ) constipated?
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people. a whole lot of love. and a whole lot of food. my dad's family was from mexico. my mom's was from italy. 60 years ago they met here in nevada and we grew as a family really grew as a family. dad got his start parking cars at the dunes hotel.
attorney general. catherine took on the big banks when they preyed on homeowners. and forced them to pay one point nine billion dollars to nevadans. she became a national leader in protecting children from sex traffickers. and passed laws to keep seniors safe from crooked scams. i'm catherine cortez masto,
i approve this message because i've spent my career solving problems, isn't that something >> stephen: here performing, "dang!", ladies and gentlemen, mac miller featuring anderson paak with jon batiste and stay human! ( cheers and applause )
? i can't keep on losing you over complications ? gone too soon wait, we was just hangin' ? i guess i need to hold onto dang ? the people that know me best the key that i won't forget ? too soon i can't keep on losing you ? i can't keep on losing you ? yeah, yeah, yeah how many mistakes do it take ? 'til you leave and i'm left with my hand and my ? face all red and a face looking at you like ? "wait" i know i ain't a saint, ? if it ain't too late well i can't keep on losing you ? i run away so fast know my heart like gold ? but it break like glass knowing stuff get old when i act ? so young baby you so cold, ? never had no son you don't wanna grow up,
i get home i'mma give ? you some make you feel like whoo, ? when i hit that drum yeah the -- ain't free ? i don't give no -- yeah it's complicated ? got you frustrated get home late and you don't ? trust me baby you way too drunk ? you don't know what i'm saying you can drive my car ? don't drive me crazy complicated, got you frustrated ? every single night i keep you waiting ? you say you don't care is what you saying ? we both know that's some bull okay, we be fighting ? we be reuniting kiss me, tug me, tease me ? me excited ? couldn't get through to you because-- ? i can't keep on losing you over complications ? gone too soon wait, we was just hangin' ? i guess i need to hold onto, dang ? the people that know me best the key that i won't forget ? too soon ? i can't keep losing you can't keep losing you ? i can't keep losing you can't keep losing you
can't keep losing you ? i can't keep losing you can't keep losing you ? i can't keep losing you ? well, you can't go away girl i'mma need you play your games ? like they my ticket to an ivy league school ? won't get hall of fame -- from a minor league dude ? i just eat -- other people need food ? only got a little time and i ain't tryna spend it ? arguing about who ain't giving who attention ? starting up the engine need to reboot ? i just eat -- other people need food ? and i ain't used every bone in my body ? it come with pain? i just think that's some bull ? okay, it's seems inviting trust me, she's a titan ? this week she like him next week they fightin' ? need protection all your dress is bulletproof ? say it for me girl ? i can't keep on losing you where the hell you going? ? where you taking this trip to? wait! ? don't move don't stay too i can't keep on losing you ? where the hell you going? wait
? i can't keep on losing you over complications ? gone too soon wait, we was just hangin' ? i guess i need to hold onto dang ? the people that know me best the key that i won't forget ? too soon i can't keep on losing you can't keep losing you ? i can't keep losing you can't keep losing you ? i can't keep losing you can't keep losing you ? i can't keep losing you n' ? i can't keep losing you can't keep losing you ? i can't keep losing you can't keep losing you ? i can't keep losing you can't keep losing you ? i can't keep losing you can't keep losing you ? i can't keep losing you ? i can't keep losing you