tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS October 14, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
>> stephen: hey, honey. yeah, i'll be home for dinner. we've got a great show-- chris pratt, scott bakula, and something called frederik the great, the world's most handsome horse. how handsome could a horse be? ? tonight i celebrate my love for you. >> stephen: tell you what, i might be late tonight. ? it seems the magic-- >> it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, stephen welcomes chris pratt, scott bakula and frederik
human." now from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: hey, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) welcome to "the late show." hey! what's going on? i'm stephen colbert. thank you so much. thank you, my friend. chris, hey paul, what's going on? hey, jesse. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host stephen colbert. how's everybody doing tonight? feeling all right? ( cheers and applause ) wow, that is good to hear because this weekend some jerk
new york city. thankfully, no one was killed, and everyone who was injured is out of the hospital. ( cheers and applause ) at this point, can't we assume that any new yorker buying a pressure cooker is up to no good? ( laughter ) no one who lives here cooks. in fact, if you don't have a seamless account, the f.b.i. has some questions for you. ( laughter ) hurt is that this guy is this-- is that this jerk left duffel bags on the street and two bombs were discovered by thieves snatching bags. because, as all new yorkers know, "if you see something, steal something." ( laughter ) ( applause ) i'd like to salute everybody in law enforcement because they caught the guy.
that was fast. >> jon: real quick. >> stephen: his name is ahmad khan rahami-- or, as i'm calling him, evil v-neck lincoln. they caught him after a shoot- out in linden, new jersey. it's just a 12-minute drive away from his hometown of elizabeth, new jersey. note to suspects on the run: if you're planning an escape, don't do it during rush hour on the jersey turnpike. ( laughter ) ( applause ) here's what we know so far: he's 5'6," 200 pounds. so there's one place the f.b.i. didn't need to look for him: the gym. ( laughter ) i'm sorry, i shouldn't terror- shame. i know. ( laughter ) what else do we know? we also know he worked at his family's restaurant, first american fried chicken. one customer described him as "a very friendly guy-- he gave me
which explains why the initial f.b.i. warranted poster looked like this. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) seven herbs and spices, it's a secret. rahami should've known that that he couldn't terrorize us. new yorkers are not fazed by meatheads from new jersey coming into the city on a saturday night to make a lot of noise. we're used to it! one eyewitness to the bombin told reporters, "it was just a burning dumpster like you see around the city." ( cheers and applause ) that's right! that's all? ( cheers and applause ) if you really wanted to freak us out, try something we're not used to, like one block without mountains of urine-soaked garbage. ( laughter ) and look at this tweet from just a couple of hours after the explosion.
chelsea explosion, know that drunk new yorkers are walking around police tape to get into the club. ( laughter ) ( applause ) you barely disrupted our daily lives. okay? so a block got shut down so cops could look around. that happens here every time they shoot an episode of "law & order." new yorkers are used to danger. this is a city with a neighborhood called "hell's kitchen." the official new york city bird is the middle finger. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) and i dare you to name one other city where someone will punch you in the face just for saying "hi" on the street. incidentally, still a big fan, mr. baldwin. now say hi to some true new yorkers, mr. jon batiste and stay human. ( band playing )
>> stephen: all righty, then. all right. ( cheers and applause ) yeah, i'm very excited. we have first lady michelle obama on the show tomorrow night. >> jon: oh, my goodness. i'm so excited. that's going to be incredible! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: she is my queen. she is like the beyonce of people who will talk to me. ( laughter ) please join us. but i'm also real excited for our guests tonight. chris pratt, scott bakula, and frederik the great, the world's most handsome horse. ( cheers and applause ) i mean, did you hear that? >> jon: yeah! >> stephen: do you feel that? >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: the excitement in this room is palpable. jim, can we put up the countdown to horse clock? ( clip clop, clip clop, clip clop )
>> stephen: we borrowed this from cnn, thank you, gentlemen. ( clip clop ) okay, jim, can put that in silent mode. ( laughter ) and just to whet your frederik appetite, here's a little taste: why, hello there. wow. we'll have more on frederik the great, as the story develops. well, we've had a lot of fun talking about handsome horses and terrorism tonit, is some disturbing news out there-- donald trump. ( audience reacts ) on friday, trump made what he called a major announcement: >> president barack obama was born in the united states. period. >> stephen: all right, that's what's called a firm grasp of
next he's going to announce water is wet, bears poop in the woods, and donald trump is not qualified to be president. ( cheers and applause ) but i'm not really irritated about that. it's everything else he said on friday that sticks in my craw. and i just recently had my craw cleaned. listen to what else he said. >> hillary clinton and her campaign of 2008, started the birther controversy. >> stephen: what? ( audience reacts ) that claim seems a little suspicious. if i didn't know better, i'd say you were a-- little help? >> world class liar. >> stephen: thank you.
proven false by politico, cnn, abc, npr, and "snapple." ( laughter ) yeah, there you go. ( applause ) but you were saying. >> hillary clinton and her campaign of 2008, started the birther controversy. i finished it. i finished it. >> stephen: no, you didn't. no, you didn't. ( laughter ) and i know you didn't because i was alive and on tv! but memory's a tricky thing. maybe i remember it one way, and donald trump is a liar. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) it's impossible to know the truth. no way, right?
know the truth unless you have videotape, which we do. while we play the evidence, i'm going to do a little whittling. jim? >> if he wasn't born in this country, which is a real possibility-- i'm not saying it didn't happen, i'm saying it's a real possibility-- then he has pulled one of the great cons in the history of politics. people have birth certificates. he doesn't have a birth certificate. now he may have one, but there's something on that birth-- maybe religion, maybe it says he's a muslim, i don't know. i've been told very recently, anderson, that the birth certificate is missing. i've been told that it's not there and that it doesn't exist. and if that's the case-- >> who told you that? said, "they cannot believe what they are finding." what have they found? >> we're going to see what happens.
business right now. and you know, his own family rn in, in hawaii.hospital he was he's got a grandmother that says he was born in kenya and she was there! >> many people say it is not real, ok, that it is a forgery. was there a birth certificate? you tell me. you know, some people say that was not his birth certificate. i'm saying i don't know. nobody knows. and you don't know either. >> his mother was a u.s. citizen born in kansas so is he a natural-born citizen? >> who knows, who knows. >> stephen: wow. that took so long i was able to carve rodin's "the thinker." ( cheers and applause ) what are you thinking about? "i'm thinking he's a liar." oh! well, thank you for your opinion, unsue-able inanimate object.
but that wasn't even the biggest whopper trump pinched out. >> i finished it. i finished it. you know what i mean. >> stephen: no, i don't. no one knows what you mean. once again, you are... >> lyin', l-y-i-n'. >> stephen: l-y -- okay. good to know how to spell that. now, you might mean, if i was being charitable, in 2011, you made obama release his long-form birth certificate, thereby ending the controversy. but that's a bigger load of horse manure than they just hosed out of my third guest. tonight, frederik the great. again, coming up in just-- it's --40 minutes and two seconds. so beautiful! ( cheers and applause )
that obama released his birth certificate in 2008, but that wasn't good enough for you. you demanded to see a "long form" birth certificate in 2011. and after obama released that, you called it a forgery, citing "israeli science" and announced you were sending a team of investigators to hawaii to uncover the truth." who were these people that we never heard from again? were they a fat captain, his first mate, a movie star. and the rest? ( cheers and applause ) and then right before the 2012 election, you issued this challenge. >> if barack obama opens up and gives his college records and applications and if he gives his passport applications and records, i will give to the charity of his choice a check
>> stephen: first of all, that's a weird threat. "you got a nice place here, i'd hate to see something happen to it, like me giving $5 million to the march of dimes." i remember this particular one like it was yesterday because, back then, i had a super pac full of secret campaign cash. and "i" offered to donate $1 million to the charity of your choice, if you, donald trump, would let me dip my ( bleep ) in your ( bleep ). ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: oh, oh! >> stephen: i'm guessing that is going to be bleeped by cbs. ( laughter ) if you would like to know what i just said, go to comedy central's web site, i think it's
look it up and you will hear what i said. it was a pretty fun show. now, for some reason, donald, you did not take the deal. i'm going to guess because your ( bleep ) was already full of vladimir putin's ( bleep ). ( cheers and applause ) like caviar! like caviar! ( laughter ) now, let's take one last look at what you said on friday. >> president barack obama was born in the united states. period. >> stephen: no, not period. question mark! "( bleep ) you" exclamation point. ( cheers and applause ) ? here's the deal!
you don't get to flog this issue for five years and then act like you're correcting everybody else! we're not crazy. we were there! we all saw you do it. even the people who support you saw you do it. it's "why" they support you. by the way, now that you've admitted that the president was born here, a lot of people think you owe obama a $5 million donation. ( cheers and applause ) he's probably waiting on that check right now. you know, like most of your contractors. of course, you probably won't make good on this because the "other" other thing you lie about is giving money to charity. it's estimated that a $5 million gift from trump's own pocket now would be more than the gop nominee has given to charity in
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he's divisive and dangerous. "uh, i don't know what i said. uh... i don't remember." but congressman hardy supports trump 100% and said he'll do whatever trump wants him to do. hardy even said people with disabilities are a drain on society and that seniors who rely on programs like social security are a draw on government. donald trump and congressman hardy --
again about our last guest, frederik the great, the world's most handsome horse. he will be out here in only-- 30 minutes and 38 seconds. trust me, turn on your a.c. 'cause it's going to get hot in here. ( cheering ) speaking of hot, you know my first guest from his roles in the blockbusters "guardians of the galaxy" and "jurassic world." his new movie is "the magnificent seven." >> how about we take 'em over into that mine there? >> uh-- whoa. this is as good as place as any. easy. gentlemen, allow me a moment to show you something quite miraculous. >> you show us our money! pick a card. is this your card. >> stephen: please welcome the delightful and talented chris pratt! ( band playing )
>> stephen: they're very nice audiences we have every night. they don't always give standing ovations. >> oh, really? ( cheers and applause what a beautiful theater. >> stephen: isn't a gorgeous theater? >> gorgeous. >> stephen: speaking of gorgeous, have you seen that horse? ( laughter ) >> yes, i have. >> stephen: extraordinary. it's a problem for me. >> stephen: are you in a relationship? >> yes, because i'm married, but i felt feelings for that horse. i'm not kidding, stephen. i saw that horse. you guys, be careful. i really saw that horse and i went-- oh-- >> stephen: gets you on a primal level. >> so beautiful! >> stephen: i just want to jump on bareback and ride off into
>> stephen: mm-hmm. >> it's hard to explain until you see the horse. i have to explore this. i have to call my wife after this. >> stephen: you're an artist, you can't control your feelings. >> you're right. whoo! frederik! ( laughter ) >> stephen: the last time we saw each other was 2003 when we were doing a movie called "strangers with candy." that's called a "cult hit." ( laughter ) you played the love interest for amy sedaris. i think they have a clip of you in the movie right now.
wow, check out the ( bleep ) on that arm! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: 13 years ago. >> did you know that movie cost me $3,000 to be in? >> stephen: what do you mean? we paid you, right? >> well, no-- well, yes, you did. but this is a testament to how much we love doing what we do that we would pay to do it. it was something called a local hire only role so they only want to pay someone from new york or new jersey to do to role. they didn't want to pay to put somebody up. >> stephen: you were from los angeles. >> yes, and i flew myself, pretended i lived here, stayed in a hotel and slept on people's couches. it would have broke about even but in the middle i had to fly home for one weekend. >> stephen: to los angeles? >> to los angeles, yeah. >> stephen: yeah.
was doing a tv show called "everwood" at the time. >> stephen: sure. >> and i had to go to court because i had a warrant out for my arrest, which is pretty awesome to say. >> stephen: wow! >> pretty hard core guy. >> stephen: yeah. >> it was like for an insurance ticket that i never paid. and, you know, so i flew home and did this thing and i came back and, yeah, it cost me $3,000. but it was totally worth it. i worked with you, paul, amy and phillip seymour hoffman was in the movie. >> stephen: yeah. i thought, that guy's really nice. i hope he works. and then i didn't see you in anything for a few years, and then parks and rec as andy. >> yeah. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you're a big star and you talk about getting in shape, but i kind of miss fat pratt. do you miss him at all?
my wife does, too. she likes to cook and i don't get to eat as much of her cooking as i used to. >> stephen: yeah. >> he's not gone forever. he's just on vacation for a couple of years, but he's coming back. >> stephen: now, you like our friend nick offerman, you're an outdoors-y guy. you like to fish, hunt, camp. >> yeah. >> stephen: this is a great picture of you with friends out in the desert someplace. >> yeah, that was on easter down in texas. >> stephen: that's sweet. >> that's my friends jared and darrell. we did that on easter. they've got a big ranch down in texas, awesome place. they've got lots of land out there and they have this big cross. it was on saturday the day before easter.
we've got to bring it up this great big hill at some point. i said, let's do it right now. they said, you know, we didn't bring you down here to put you to work. i said, no, i want to do it. it was the saturday before easter. that's what jesus was doing 2,000 years ago. so it was awesome. it took us two days, it was super heavy. and it was rewarding and awesome. >> stephen: if you we more people might go to church if that was the service and chris pratt is dragging a cross up a hill, would anyone attend? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we'll take a break and be back with more chris pratt. >> cool. ( band playing )
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: we're back with our friend chris pratt, everybody. chris, you're a big star now, but as we were saying -- >> go on, be more specific. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you're a global superstar? >> oh-- no, sorry. >> stephen: do you think if you would have gotten famous young, it would have messed with you? >> oh, yeah. yeah, i thso it messes with you regardless, probably. i feel bad for kids who get famous really young because it's important to make your mistakes in relatively obscurity so you can say, wow, i shouldn't have done that. going to distance myself from that move from now on and become a better person. but you can really be defined by
faris. i'm a working actor. nobody knew who i was. she was a big movie star. it was nice to see how people treated her that were in her life. that was a good lesson coming into the last years of my life because you started to realize who are going to be deferential and kind of be "yes men," and it taught me some important lessons and i was able to see that, you know, you've got to really nurture the relationships of people that you have who will call you on your bull (bleep) and the people who would have you over to dinner if i was still a coupon salesman or waiter or struggling actor. >> stephen: you were a coupon
>> stephen: isn't the nature of coupons that you give them away for free? ( laughter ) how do you sell a coupon? >> i was a door-to-door salesman for about two years, and it was really promotions. it was $20 and you could get oil change force your car. >> stephen: give me your approach. >> how you doing? >> stephen: yeah, the kids are in the back. good. >> meineke sent us over with these for oil changes. it's four oil changes, $20. >> stephen: i'll let you know. >> no, i have about 20 to give out, you fill this out, cash, credit, check. >> stephen: i'll call the police if you don't get off my porch. >> call the police, because we would be happy to service their cars, too! ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: were you good at it? >> i was pretty good. it was one of these multi-level
could open your own office. >> stephen: and somebody would get a lot of money. >> yes, i would make somebody very rich. i opened my own office at 19. >> stephen: so you're doing this as a teenager. >> yeah. i got a minivan, opened my office in colorado. i ended up losing my ass getting an insurance ticket i could never pay or show up for, hence the arrest warrant. but i lost my ass and momma had to fly me home but, yeah, for a whilwa ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: does it feel good to be nice to the people who bailed you out? >> yeah, i always say, whatever you're selling, i'll buy three. >> stephen: we've got to cut that out because you're doomed, chris pratt! ( laughter ) >> totally fine. >> stephen: lovely to see you again. let's not make it another 13 years! ( cheers and applause ) congratulations! "the magnificent seven" opens
we'll be right back with scott bakula! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) king me. (rico thinking): this must be how odell beckham feels when he scores a game winning touchdown. giant's touchdown! (crowd noise) (odell beckham thinking): this must be how rico felt when he triple jumped mr. sanchez
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donald trump and congressman hardy -- divisive and dangerous. dccc is responsible for the content of this advertising. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! welcome back, everybody! just a friendly programming reminder, we're going to have the world's most handsome horse in only 11 minutes and 12 seconds. stay tuned. you're going to want to be able to tell your grandchildren you were there. ( laughter ) but first, my next guest tonight is a good friend of this show. he starred as sam beckett on "quantum leap" and captain jonathan archer on "star trek: enterprise." he now stars as special agent dwayne pride on "ncis: new orleans." please welcome, scott bakula! ( cheers and applause )
>> thank you! >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> they just ease you out here. yon' >> stephen: i've got to ask you this, did you see the horse? >> so here's the deal about the horse. while you and pratt have been screwing around -- three dates and a phone number. >> stephen: you got the digits from the horse? >> i have been riding the horse. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that is a metaphor. >> yep. you tell me -- >> stephen: legally on cbs, i can't.
you know, donald would know if that was a metaphor or not. >> stephen: he would. >> what do you think he would say? >> stephen: what do you think donald would say? >> yes. >> stephen: my mane is more handsome than that horse. ( laughter ) ( applause ) somebody give me an apple. ( laughter ) i told you last time when you were on the show with the "quantum leap" bit. you were my savior in "quantum leap." i watched that show incessantly. i loved it. there used to be marathons of it on tbs or tnt, and i was so unemployed, i would watch you all day long. my wife would come home and say, what did you do today? not, this i promise. ( laughter ) you are also captain archer from the enterprise. >> yes. >> stephen: are you surprised by the global reach of science fiction fandom? >> yes, there is not a corner of
you would think if i were in india, i would be okay, but it's not true. >> stephen: people have come up and given you stories about how you inspired them when you were on the enterprise. >> the best stories are when people say i watched the show with my family and it brought us together. that's the best story. but then they're from russia or israel. >> stephen: have you done gone to the conventions. >> yeah, yeah. conventions are fun. they're weird but they're fun. ( laughter ) >> stephen: what are more of the weirder things? >> it's not easy to see your face tattooed on somebody else's back. >> stephen: really? yeah, like when i had yours removed-- it's painful, but you get tired of that. >> stephen: was it a good likeness? >> okay. okay.
>> stephen: uh-huh. who were you sharing this back with, do you remember? >> other folks from the show. >> stephen: okay. >> i knew them. >> stephen: all just captains? >> yes, and we weren't engaged in any activity. >> stephen: it wasn't fan fiction? >> i saw a picture today -- no, i'm not going to tell. >> stephen: what?! ( audience reacts ) >> it's not very smart of me to do this, but i did a "playgirl" a hundred million years ago. >> stephen: you were in "playgirl"? >> i was doing a radio show and they had pictures going up, being generated as i was talking and i looked up and they said-- they were asking me about this funny stuff about that, and i looked up and there i was, and i looked at the picture and i was in tighty whities, and my body was kind of laying out, and i
they photoshopped -- somebody photoshopped my lower half to my body. >> stephen: why did they need to replace your lower half? ( laughter ) >> we're not going there. >> stephen: okay. >> no. it was bizarre. >> stephen: what issue? what year are we looking at? >> we're not. it's not a secret i did this, t just have to be careful that -- >> stephen: be careful if you pose for "playgirl," you've got to be careful! ( laughter ) did you at least look at it and go, you know, i'm glad i had a photo taken of me when i had a body like that. i did a nude scene on tv, live on stage, when i was 19. the director said would you do this nude, and i thought, i don't think it will get any better, i should do it now.
speaking of being in good shape, you've gone vegan. >> that's correct. >> stephen: it's not a drag at all. >> oh, yeah. i'm working in new orleans now, it's a drag. >> stephen: speaking of which, you've come to love music and the city. >> yep. >> stephen: john is from new orleans. >> i'm aware of that. you're playing piano and singing. >> stephen: do you want to do something with the band? >> sure. >> stephen: scott bakula, everybody! ? ? >> jon: hey, come on, y'all! ? ? ( audience clapping with music ) ? i gotta girl from new orleans, little liza jane
? i gotta girl from new orleans, little liza jane ? she sure looks good when she takes off her jeans, little liza jane ? oh, little liza, little liza jane >> stephen: scott bakula, "ncis: new orleans"! scott bakula. back with the world's most handsome horse. stick around! ? oh, little liza, little liza jane ? hey pretty baby can we go strollin', little liza jane ? ? ?
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the world's most handsome horse, and you are frederik's owner stacy nazario. >> yes. >> stephen: hello, frederik. you are a beautiful horse. is it true horses can smell fear? >> yes, absolutely. >> stephen: that's not good. >> is that why he's acting like he is? >> stephen: i don't know. i'm going to step up here for one second. ( laughter ) he is a beautiful horse and a very large one at that. what's a friesian horse? >> a fries netherlands. they were almost extinct until the netherlands brought them back. >> stephen: what were they bred for? he's huge. >> they go back to the crusaders. >> stephen: a war horse? >> yes, he's a war horse. they used them for carriages, the queens. >> stephen: what makes frederik the world's most beautiful horse? >> well, it is election year and the world voted him the world's
( cheers and applause ) hey... >> stephen: any chance you could turn him around so people would see the mane on the other side? again, i'll go over here. ( audience reacts ) wow, gorgeous. how does he get his mane like that? a lot of conditioner? is that natural for a friesian? >> yes, but he has good genes. he has a delightful personality. frederik is a gentle giant. he's been nose-to-nose with newborn babies. you want to try to give him a hug, steve? >> stephen: how would i do that? ( applause ) don't clap for this part.
>> stephen: hi, frederik. >> just hug... >> stephen: oh. shall i do it on that side? >> yes. >> stephen: hi. oh, hi. hi. oh, beautiful. that's fantastic. >> kisses, too. >> stephen: he kisses? >> you give him a kiss-- >> stephen: you know what? maybe the second date. ( laughter ) so you give him a carrot, like you put a carrot in your mouth and he eats it out of your mouth or something? >> stephen: i won't try it unless i'm supposed to try it. >> yeah. >> stephen: now, you guys live in the ozarks. what are you doing in the new york? >> we were asked by the rolex central park horse show in new york, which is wednesday through sunday, to come to the most anticipated equestrian event of the year. mark balicio, founder of the rolex central park horse show. it's going to be an amazing
>> stephen: is he available for stud? >> yes. >> stephen: he is available for stud? >> but he has a waiting list. >> stephen: i know. chris pratt is at the head of it, evidently. ( laughter ) the rolex central park horse show is wednesday through sunday. frederik the great, everybody, the world's most handsome horse. ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much. thank you, frederik. thank you. frederik the great, everybody. ( cheers and applause )
we'll see donald trump become president." i don't know what i said, aah... narrator: heck says he "completely supports" trump. i would bomb the
[bleep] out of them. narrator: and heck? reporter: you trust him having his finger on the nuclear button? heck: i do. reporter: why do you say that? heck: why wouldn't i? narrator: donald trump and joe heck.
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for "the late show." goodnight! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ? are you ready y'all to have some fun ? feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ? where is it you come from it's going to be your size ? it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from cardiff, wales, give it up for your host, the