tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS November 16, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am PST
captioning sponsored by cbs >> hey, stephen. >> stephen: yeah, paul, what's up? >> did you see this? carrey fisher admitted to having an affair with harrison ford while filming "star wars." >> stephen: yeah, i did hear that. and, look, man, i've got a >> what is it, stephen? >> stephen: i never told anybody this, but when i was younger, i briefly had an affair with doyke notes. trust me, that thing he's holding. it ain't a flute. ( laughter ) >> when did this happen? >> stephen: i was working summer stock on a moisture farm,
port. >> that place is a wretched hive of scum and vill me. >> stephen: and love. ( laughter ) and love. anyway, one night i was in the canteen aand i just heard the most beautiful sounds coming from the back of the room, and i turned around and there he was. looking like a beautiful, upside down testicle. ( laughter our eyes met. later in the night, he played me like a eskanel. you can look that up. >> so what happened to you guys? >> stephen: well, he went on the intergalactic circuit, and i went back to high school. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes marion cotillard.
and musical guest dwight yokam. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! thanks, everybody. ? ? ? >> stephen: good to see you. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers ) thank you so much. ? ? ?
welcome to "the late show." please have a seat, everybody. welcome to "the late show"." i am your host, stephen colbert. well, i see from the level of my xanax bottle, it's been one week since the election of donald trump. of course, he is not president yet. for the next few months, that is barack obama, who is. ( cheers and applause ) nice of you to applaud for him, the country. he's 5,000 miles away in athenses, seen here getting a preview of what washington will look like in four years. ( applause ) meanwhile-- it's nice, it's nice. saves on maintenance. meanwhile, speaking of crumbling ruins, trump got some bad news today, because here in new york city, residents of three apartment buildings have voted
off their buildings. ( cheers and applause ) just clink, clink, clink. they want a name that's less embarrassing, so they used the same letters to spell out "rectal pump." very nice. very nice. >> jon: i see that? >> stephen: yeah. which is where trump gets most of his ideas. trump's transition into office seems to be going a little rough, because he has fired the head of his transition seam, chris christie, and replaced by mike pence. and, apparently, the sacking was ordered by trump's son-in-law, jared kushner, seen here firing your dad one day before christmas. so the soim, who has the ruler's ear is purging those who wronged
this is like "game of thrones," except i definitely don't want to imagine any of these people having sex. i just want to take a second. jared, i know you're trying to connect with your wife's dad, but can't you do normal son-in-law things. just drive to home depot while readingi watching a college football game in silence. there's got to be something you have in common. hey, you both think ivanka's hot! talk about that ? cold-blooded ? we're not-- we're not-- we're not making that up, by the way. i didn't make up that. so, we're all left guessing who trump will appoint to his cabinet. yesterday, it looked like rudy guiliani was going to be secretary of state. today, it sounds like he's back to just being a pair of chattering teeth glued to a whoopie cushion.
today, there's speculation that trump's attorney general could be his former enemy, ted cruz after cruz was seen exiting trump tower yesterday. apparently, reporters are just hanging around the lobby of trump tower, making guesses based on who walks in and out the door. ( laughter ) my money's on attorney general pizza delivery guy. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but, just in case, if it is ted cruz, how would that work? would president trump call him cruz"? or is it "lyin' attorney general ted cruz"? i'm not sure what the proper name is. either way, as attorney general, cruz could finally get to the bottom of just why his dad killed j.f.k. ( laughter ) ( applause ) gotta find out. he's the man. today, donald trump assured the public things are under control through his official spokes-twitter, saying, "very
as i decide on my cabinet and many other positions. i am the only one who knows who the finalists are!" ( cheers and applause ) yes! trump, only trump, only trump the mag i was in knows who the finallests are. he's going to reveal the winners in a dramatic ceremony in the rose garden. "rudy guiliani, you're here for the right reasons. will you accept this state department?" trump also tweeted about clinton the election were based on total popular vote, i would have campaigned in new york, florida and california and won even bigger and more easily." see, he didn't even want to win the popular vote, just like i didn't want a date for prom. ( laughter ) frees you up to make out with any girl there. if i wanted to, but i didn't feel like it. ( laughter ) now, i think that for the president-elect to be tweeting
it just feels strange, doesn't it? ( applause ) so why is trump doing it? well, a member of the transition team says he has a very good reason. >> well, i can tell you this: the pressure that has got to be on president-elect trump is immense, the enormity of the job ahead of him. and so i would have to say if this is his way of relaxing, god bless him. >> relaxing? >> absolutely. if this is what he has sfu with and he finds this relaxing and his entertainment, let him go with it. >> stephen: is this really how we're going to treat the commander in chief? "he likes it. it's fun. okay? let him play with the button. it calms him down. it's shiny and red like a toy!" hhe paws at it. it relaxes to him? what happened to germany? he's relaxed anyway." now, i'm going to call (bleep)
( applause ) twitter isn't trump's entertainment. it's his way around the press. and trump isn't just duck the press online. he's also ditching them in the real world. as the president-elect, donald trump is supposed to remain with what's called a protective press pool, which exists to document the movements of the president, particularly if there's something unexpected or significant happening. reporters need to be with the president in case catastrophic happens. i'm sorry, in case something else catastrophic happens. but yesterday, yesterday. ( cheers and applause ) clapping for catastrophe! ( laughter ) but yesterday donald trump and his folks told reporters he was in for the night, then went out for a steak dinner. the only way we know is that a
restaurant because she made a reservation. don't worry, journalists-- you will have access to the president. just take this buzzer and go browse barnes & noble for a while. it will vibrate when your democracy is ready. ( applause ) ? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight. stick around. marion cotillard is here. dev patel is here. but when we return, i'll talk russia with a special celebrity guest. stick around. ? ?you don't own me? ?don't try to change me in any way? ?oh? ?don't tell me what to do?
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everybody. give it up for jon batiste and stay human, everybody. jon, my friend we have this week and half of the next week doing shows. i need to know-- and this is a serious question-- i'm supposed to ask you, are you coming to thanksgiving dinner? because i asked you two weeks ago, and i haven't gotten a firm answer yet. and we're trying to, you know, put the menu together. >> jon: get together. >> stephen: are you coming or not coming? >> jon: it's complicated? ( laughter ). >> stephen: really? do you want to bring a date? is that the issue? >> jon: yeah, can i bring a date. >> stephen: yeah, you can bring a date. >> jon: so you want me to commit right now on tv? ( laughter ). >> stephen: yeah. ( laughter ) you can say no. you're not going to hurt my feelings. just say, "i can't make it. i'll catch you next year." >> jon: it's complicated. it's more complex than that.
>> stephen: you'd like to make it. >> jon: yes. >> stephen: i'd like to make room for you. i have ton. my wife is putting the screws to me right now. she's like, "you've got to tell me." we're renting chairs and everything. >> jon: give me until after the taping. >> stephen: all right, if it's not you, i'm going to invite two of people here. >> jon: hey? >> stephen: no! snow noe! >> jon: w >> are we still on the air even though it looks like hillary clinton will take the popular vote, we have to accept that the winner of this election was a washington outsider who no one thought had a shot at running this country. can pew. vladimir putin. because while donald trump's position on a lot of issues is unclear, he has a firm position on putin. i'm going to guess missionary. here's a little reminder. jim? >> putin calling trump a
"it is always a great honor to be so nicely complimented by a man so highly respected within his own country and beyond." >> he called me a genius. he said, "donald trump is a genius, and he's going to be the leader of the party, and he's going to be the leader of the world," or something. he called me a genius. i'm going to disavow it? are you crazy? if he says great things about me, i'm going to say great things about him. he's been a leader far more than our president has been a leader. the man has very strong control over a country. >> stephen: yes, and soon he'll have very strong control over two countries. the c.i.a. says clearly russia hacked the democrats. and yesterday, michael rogers, the sitting head of the n.s.a., says the clinton campaign was targeted by a foreign power. >> this was not something that was done casually. this was not something that was done by chance. this was not a target that was selected purely arbitrarily. this was a conscious effort by a nation-state to attempt to achieve a specific effect. >> stephen: and immediately after the election, trump
according to the kremlin, the besties had a convothis week. taernl they talked about what the trump folks call, "the historical u.s.-russia relationship that dates back over 200 years." yes, for 200 years, when you think russia, you think friend. wait a second, what's another word for friend? >> the evil empire. >> stephen: thank you. ( applause ) ( applause ). >> stephen: that's the great communicator right there. >> jon: that's right, that's right. >> stephen: during their phone call, the new celebrity power couple-- i'm going with "donomir prumpin"-- discussed threats and challenges facing the united states, which were easy to remember because the threat, was talking to the challenge. the kremlin says that this is "part of joint efforts to normalize relations." don't normalize it! it's not normal! once again, it's weird. for pete's sake.
our interests." lindsey graham said, "this calculation by trump unnerves me to my core." and lindsey graham doesn't have a core. i've done pilates with him. ( laughter ) and yesterday, john mccain released a blistering statement calling putin "a former k.g.b. agent who has plunged his country into tyranny, murdered his political opponents, invaded his neighbors, threatened america's allies, and attempted to undermine america's elections." and mccain knows all about undermining elections. ( laughter ) ( applause ) despite the fact we know vladimir putin's a bad guy, trump cartoonishly insists that he's a model for leadership. here to answer for this is cartoon donald trump. mr. cartoon president-elect, thank you so much for being here. >> happy to be here. hello, new york. thank you for your votes! >> stephen: actually, don't, don't, don't thank them for their vote.
you. >> then screw you for your votes! president trump is raising your rent. >> stephen: sir, does vladimir putin have some strange influence on you? >> stephen, absolutely not. even though vladimir putin is a great leader, strong, warm, like steaming bowl of borscht. i will nyet be told what to do by anyone, no matter how handsome they are. >> stephen: wait a second, that's cartoon vladimir putin. >> what? i had no idea he was sitting there, and, therefore, i am shocked! >> hello, stephen. thank you for having me on decadent television circus. >> stephen: mr. cartoon putin, it's being reported that you manipulated our election in favor of donald trump. >> what reporters are saying this? give me names. i will fix. >> that is totally ridiculous.
countries. i've agreed to work with him on syria. >> and in return, i've agreed to call him "cool guy." >> what can i say? i'm a negotiator. >> stephen: carp toon, the donald, how can the next president of the united states embrace a leader who kills journalists and jails political opponents. >> i don't do that, do i? i don't. those reports are lies, and anyone who says otherwise will be jailed. >> stephen: you just got that answer from him. >> what? no, we're just friends! we're so close, we finish each other's... >> ...elections! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: look, look, look, here's the deal. clearly, we've been in a new cold war. >> speaking of temperature, stephen, your studio is very much too hot. excuse me a moment. oh, i am sorry. i have revealed my powerful abs and heaving slavic man-bosom.
>> oh, yeah, i love a "d" cup. >> donald, stare into my hypno-pecs. you are trusting me. >> i am trusting you. >> we are your allies. >> you are our allies. >> you will give me alaska. >> i will give you alaska. >> and you will hand over moose and squirrel. >> i will hand over moose and squirrel. ( laughter ) >> good job, donald. now let us seal the agreement with open mouth summit. don't make me get the hose! cartoon trump and cartoon putin everybody! stick around, we'll be right back with marion cotillard! knock it off! stop it! stop it! stop it! we need a big tree. something for everyone to gather around. and you know what else i'm thinking? lights! some help. got it!
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please welcome marion cotillard! now i know how to welcome you. the last time you were here you went to give me kisses on both ceeks, the way you do in france. >> oh, yes. >> stephen: and i didn't know what i was doing. i was very embarrassed. >> what did you do? >> stephen: i only kissed you on one cheek. >> well, that's the first step to the second. ( laughter ). >> stephen: in france, that's just one kiss on one cheek. >> sometimes you kiss four times. >> stephen: no! >> in some areas of france. >> stephen: how do you get anything done? >> you kiss everybody on the mouth because you never know how to stop-- "hello." >> stephen: sounds like a nice country. you're-- you're as famous an actress in the united states as you are in france. not every european, you know, actor or actress sort of crosses over and is like known everywhere in the united states. do you like being here, or do
i love being here, and-- no, there are so many things i love about america. and, yeah. do you want the list? >> stephen: no, you don't have to list. you don't have to list. you don't have to list at all. is there anything you don't understand about america? ( laughter ) because-- >> oh, there are things. >> stephen: because there are things i don't understand about america right now. >> the thing i really don't get is how in the middle of winter can you have a.c. on, freezing a.c. on ( laughter ). >> stephen: like-- like you get in somebody's car and they have the a.c. on? >> everywhere. even in the basement. >> stephen: we sweat a lot. we sweat a lot. >> do you? >> stephen: yeah, we're nervous about a lot right now. ( laughter ). >> yeah, i get that. yeah. >> stephen: we sweat a little bit right now. do you-- we just did-- do you guys have halloween? because we just finished that over-- here? do you guys have halloween over
europe. >> stephen: really? i think it comes from america. i think it comes-- comes-- wikipedia,darrylig. >> stephen: wikipedia. >> yeah, they told me it came from europe. >> stephen: wikipedia told me. i can go on there and change it. do you guys celebrate it over there, carve the pumpkins and all that stuff? >> in france, no, it lasted, like, two or three years, and then people thought it's just another way to get our money, you know, christmas, hallow everything. >> stephen: that is so cynical. that is so french. >> we can be very cynical. yeah, exactly. >> stephen: you've seen a lot. >> yeah, but it's-- it's smart, too. i mean-- is the -- >> you guys have elections over there? >> in halloween. ( laughter ). >> stephen: over here-- >> over there-- we-- yeah. we are-- we are heading for elections in 2017. >> stephen: in 2017. have they started yet, because over here--
fight, you know,. >> stephen: yeah? did you watch our election? did you enjoy watching it? >> i did-- enjoy? >> stephen: yeah. ( laughter ) >> well... >> stephen: a little bit. >> uh... not at all. ( laughter ). >> stephen: you ever watch nascar? >> what? >> stephen: do you ever watch nascar. do you know what that is? >> no. >> stephen: it's cars racing around a track, and it's supposedly to see who wins but you're really waiting for somebody c that's kind of what our politics are like, like nascar. >> no, i never watched this. >> stephen: oh, really? >> yeah. >> stephen: you'd love it. formula one. >> i would hate it. >> stephen: sure?
>> yes. >> steph: we saw her there very fashionably shooting up the scene. who is she? >> she's a spy and she's on a mission with another spy played by brad pitt. and it's gonna turn differently. well, they're going to fall in love. >> stephen: they're going to fall in love. >> and that you were not supposed to. >> stephen: i've seen in the commercials that brad pitt's boss, he's a canadian national
>> yes. >> stephen: and you guys hook up together in world war ii, and he-- they think you're a spy-- his bozs think you're a spy. that's the mystery. >> well, we're both spies. >> stephen: well, they think you're a double agent. they think you're actually working for the germans. that's what it says in the commercials. i'm not giving anything away, am i? >> no, nothing. >> stephen: are you a double spay? you can't tell me. >> ( whispering ) i've lost my voice. sorry. ( laughter >> stephen: now, let's sell some tickets. let's sell some tickets right now. can we do that? >> um, i don't have tickets on me. >> stephen: no, we're going to put ases in the seat right now. i have been told there are a fair amount of sex scenes in this movie. >> yeah. >> stephen: one takes place in a sandstorm, right. you're in the car and there's a sandstorm? >> uh-huh. >> stephen: please tell me the windows are rolled up. sand storm and sex don't go together.
erotic at all to shoot a sex scene, or is it all just a bother? >> well, okay. let's imagine you're with your wife in bed-- or anywhere, like here in-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: a sand storm, a sand storm. >> and then all the people are watching. >> stephen: all these people are watching? >> yeah, cameras, like, 50 people are watching. >> stephen: uh-huh, uh-huh. >> do you still find it sexy? though, right. okay. let's move on. >> let's-- ( laughter ) let's move on. >> stephen: speak of having sex -- >> but it's a beautiful love scene. a very beautiful -- >> there are multiple beautiful love scenes i understand. again, i'm just trying to sell ticket here's. >> i'm trying to help you. >> stephen: thank you, thank you very much. you are-- i understand you're going to have a child. congratulations.
>> stephen: this is your second, right? >> it's my second. >> stephen: are you the sort of person who gets cravings or anything like that? my wife didn't eat red meat until she had her first child. and then she just grabbed a burger out of my hand and she never looked back. because the baby seemed to want the meat or something. she said, "give me that," and i never got it back and she never stopped eating red meat from that moment. is there anything ultimated to eat with this child? >> i wanted to eat things i >> wait, what? >> yeah. i-- i was very worried that i might-- my kid would be conditioned in this world anyw anyway, but then he could have many choices, even things i don't like. so everything i didn't like, i tried to feed myself with to give him more choices. it's absolutely ridiculous. ( laughter ) but i did it. i did it. >> stephen: you said that when
right, you said, "through acting i met myself." how did you meet yourself acting? and did you recognize yourself when you first saw you? you know what i mean? >> i don't exactly know what you mean, but, yeah, maybe. no, it's just-- you know, i think we have a lot of aspects, and we have a whole world in ourselves, maybe the whole world. and-- and going through different people, different cultures, i just, you know, opened myself to more and more understanding of the human being. and then of myself. woooo. >> stephen: that's very deep. >> it's-- yeah, i went very deep. ( laughter ) i mean -- oh! >> stephen: thank you for being here. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: can i kiss you on four cheeks. ( cheers and applause )
wednesday. marion cotillard, everybody. we'll be right back with dev patel. oh caroline. so corporate put you up in a roadside motel. but with directv from at&t, you can download then binge watch your dvr'd shows from anywhere. that makes you more powerful than whatever it is you just stepped in. or that friendly dumpster diver outside. i wouldn't sit there. it's your tv, take it with you. now you can watch your dvr anywhere, at no extra cost, with directv from at&t. ? (laughs..) here it is. ? ? hey dad! ? wishes do come true.
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? ? ? >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) my next guest is an actor who first rose to fame in "slumdog millionaire." his new film, "lion," tells the true story of a lost boy who finds his way home after 25 years. >> do you have any idea what it's like knowing my real brother and mother spent every day of their lives looking for me?
screams my name. can you imagine the pain they must be in not knowing where i am? huh? 25 years. 25! >> why didn't you tell me that was happening for you? >> privileged lives. it makes me sick. i have to find home. they need to know i'm okay. patel. ? ? ? ( applause ) >> wow! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nice to have you on. >> how are you, sir? >> stephen: i'm doing fine. how are you? >> i'm so nervous backstage i
anymore. >> stephen: did you hulk out? >> i don't know. i don't know. it's so fight. fashion these days! >> stephen: do you live in the united states or cow live in england? >> i moved to l.a., yeah. >> stephen: you did? >> yeah. >> stephen: how are you liking it? >> it's good. i moved there to do a show called "newsroom." ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: yeah. >> and you become a local hire so you basically have to drive yourself to work and that kind of stuff. and then i just-- you know, it kind of sucked me in. >> stephen: do you mis home at all? >> you know, it's-- it's-- when i go home it's like-- doing a press junket all over again. my mom is you know -- >> she sits you down-- >> she's is quite a lively creature, and she knows everyone where we live. and i go there and there are aunties and uncles and next-door neighbors and the postman. >> stephen: a lot of us first met you in "slumdog millionaire," and we've seen you in a lot of things over the years, but now. ( cheers and applause ) i've got to say, you have bulked
>> stephen: you're bigger in the film and you have grown the beard. does your mom like the new look? >> i don't know. puberty. what can you say? i don't know. it took her a while to get used to but it's great because i have these really big, like, floppy ears, so it kind of hides them a little bit, which is nice? >> stephen: since you-- since you grew the beard, do you get pulled out for "random checks "more often tan do you get-- do you get stereotyped like that? >> i've had one or two random checks. >> stephen: i never have had one. i wonder why? >> there's one time i was traveling first class, i was right at the front of the plane, and i'm like, "god, you made it, this is amazing." as soon as i get off the flight, the officer is like, you, come here." i'm like, "wait, there's a handler here looking after me." >> stephen: and the flight was over? >> yeah,.
come on. over here, buddy. let's drop the drawers. the movie is called "lion." >> yeah. >> stephen: and it's a true story of a-- it was a young man in a-- a boy. he's in india. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> stephen: and how does he get to australia? >> so, basically, the film starts with a seven-year-old boy, and he was scafaging for food with his older brother on the trains. and he gets lost on one of these and gets hurdled across india. this train, he's in a part of the country that he doesn't know. he can't speak the local dialect. and, you know, he doesn't even know his mother's name. he calls her "ummy," which means mom. he goes through this horrendous ordeal. it's kind of like a tale of survival and he gets adopted by a australian family and grows up in hoab art, tasmania.
which just came out to locate his real mother. >> stephen: how does he do that? >> he figures out how long he was on the train for and he has an incredible photographic memory and he remembered part of his past viscerally. and the train platform that he got lost at had this water tank. he remembered bathing in a certain river with his brother. and he-- the app comes out, and he decides to create a search radius, and starts every single pixel. back then, google earth wasn't as developed as it is now. there were just these blurry pixel s. >> stephen: he recognized things from above. >> yeah, yeah and-- yeah, absolutely. >> stephen: and he finds his family. >> yeah. >> stephen: that's extraordinary. so your adoptive mom is nicole kidman in this. ( laughter ) what was that? pretty exciting. >> it sounds crazy to hear that. >> stephen: yeah. do you-- you've got a great
do you go surf? >> no. the first scene that i come into the film i kind of emerge from the water and in the script he's labeled as this really kind of cool surfer at ease with nature. and i'm absolutely beeping my pants-- my wetsuit, i should say. i'm not a very good swimmer, and we're in, you know, we're in tasmania and the water is like two double-decker buses deep. >> stephen: is that how you measure things in ( laughter ) ( laughter ) ( applause ) two double-decker buses deep. that's very different to us. but, there are sharks down there. >> yeah, and the stunt guy was like, "oh, you don't need to worry about the great whites. it's the bull sharks you've got tow worry about because they've got a lot of testosterone. and if they want want to-- if you're curious and you see the fin, they'll nibble you, but if they want to get you, you won't
i'm probably the only indian dude who has ever been here. if they want something spicy they'll probably come to me. >> stephen: thank you so much. "lion" is in theaters next friday. dev patel, everybody! wouldn't with dwight yokam. ? where do you think you're going? ? ? where do you think you're going-going, girl? ?
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that'll be me you'll see that'll ? be gone ? remember how you warned me 'bout all your leavin' plans ? well i know this might seem unexpected so prepare yourself ? the best you can ? that'll be me you'll see walking away that'll be me ? you'll see for the last time today that'll be me you'll see ? for not very long 'cause that'll be me you'll see that'll ? be gone