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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  November 22, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am PST

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captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: it's a beautiful race day here at the ed sullivan speedway. i'm your race announcer larry boberry and hot diggity dog do we have a race for you today. in a lane one, new competitor to the colbert, and in lane two sprint cup champion jimmie johnson. they will be racing down the track with eggs on spoons in their mouth and returning with a grapefruit between their legs like the ancient greeks. let's go to the track! >> ready, set, go! and they're off. stephen with good form. what's this? jimmie johnson's using his hands. a questionable move but since he's a celebrity, i'll let it go
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last lap and jimmie johnson appears to be using his hands again to hold the group fruit! oh, my! and they're neck and neck! it's a photo finish! let's go to the tape! no, i was wrong. going to the tape was a waste of everyone's time. jimmie johnson clearly won. for cbs racing, larry boberry. back to you, opening credits! >> announcer: tits "late show" ">> announcer: it's the "late show" with stephen colbert! toornghts steve welcomes james marsden, jimmie johnson and john waters. featuring jon batiste and "stay human." live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! >> stephen: ehey, welcome,
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welcome to "the late show"! lovely group of folks. welcome to "the late show," everybody. i am your host stephen colbert, and i couldn't be happier to be with all of you right now. what a privilege it is to come out here and talk about all of the feelings. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: some of them good, some of them bad, but human feelings we can share through the miracle of television. here's something i have a feeling about -- the trump train keeps on rolling down them crazy tracks. ( laughter ) yesterday, trump summoned all the bigwigs of tv news, folks like cnn president jeff zucker and nbc anchor lester holt, to
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were being named secretary of state. he's going to have, like, 20 secretaries of state. a lot of countries, makes sense. once they got there, our nation's most prominent media figures were dressed down and told, "we're in a room of liars," and he told cnn's jeff zucker, "i hate your network everyone at cnn is a liar." i mean, why is anthony bourdain on the cable news network? eating noodles is not news! and reportedly, trump told the president of nbc news that her network won't run a nice picture of him, instead choosing "this picture of me," as he made a face with a double chin. yeah, nbc, stop using unflattering pictures of donald trump.
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-- the man -- there's no bad pictures of him! ( cheers and applause ) ( applause ) come on, jimmie, put that back up there. he runs the gamut from "i just ate a bug" all the way to "may i lick the bride?" you may not. ( applause ) of course, when not berating the media, the president-elect has been busy filling his cabinet. so far, we know his pick f attorney general: alabama senator and albino smurf, jeff sessions. if senator sessions becomes attorney general, he would be in charge of enforcing our nation's civil rights laws. and if you want to know where he stands on civil rights, there's a hint in his full name: jefferson beauregard sessions iii. ( in a southern accent ) i say to you, sir!
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more confederate is if he were named "general stonewall secession mccotton-gin." ( laughter ) of the birmingham mccotton-gins. i challenge you to a dual! ( laughter ) in fact, during the reagan administration, he was denied a judicial appointment over some allegations of racism. among other things, a coworker claims sessions said he was okay with the klan "until i learned they smoked pot." ( laughter ) come on. pot when they started calling themselves "wizards." ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) he might be the only politician in history to go down thinking the klan is too chill. ( laughter ) and trump's frontrunner to lead the department of homeland security appears to be kansas secretary of state and middle school football coach who's not allowed on the field anymore, kris kobach. when kobach met with trump, something tells me he came
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plan for the first 365 days. and by "something" i mean this picture, where he is clearly holding his strategic plan for the first 365 days. >> well, that's homeland security. the only way those plans could be safer is if he stored them on his private email server. ( audience reacts ) ( applause ) during the campaign, donald trumpr things as president, and maybe strangest and strongest was his promise, his pledge, his rallying cry to jail hillary clinton. >> if i win, i am going to instruct my attorney general to get a special prosecutor to look into your situation because there has never been so many lies, so much deception. there has never been anything like it, and we're going to have
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>> you know, it is... it's just awfully good that someone with the temperament of donald trump is not in charge of the law in our country. >> because you'd be in jail. secretary clinton -- ( audience reacts ) >> stephen: woo-hoo hoo! oh, i was a happier time when just the idea of donald trump was terrifying instead of the reality. but today, on msnbc's "coffee joe morning," hillary got some good news. >> we begin with breaking news: a source with direct knowledge of donald trump's thinking tells "morning joe" that, in his administration, the president-elect will not pursue any investigations into hillary clinton for her use of a private e-mail server and the clinton foundation. >> i think when the president-elect, who's also the head of your party now, joe, tells you before he's even inaugurated he doesn't wish to pursue these charges, it sends a
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ignore all my previous strong messages. ( applause ) and i don't know about you, but that is something i'll be giving thanks for this thursday. we've got a great show for you tonight. james marsden is here. and when we come back, i'll give you some advice about cooking your turkey.
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, the progressive girl, at the supermarket buying cheese. scandal alert! flo likes dairy?! woman: busted! [ laughter ] right afterwards we caught her riding shotgun with a mystery man. oh, yeah! [ indistinct shouting ] is this your chauffeur? what?! no, i was just showing him how easy it is to save with snapshot from progressive. you just plug it in and it gives you a rate based on your driving. does she have insurance for being boring? [ light laughter ] laugh bigger. [ laughter ] want a feast fit for the season? nothing says "treat yourself" like any of these indulgent new dishes. so try the new grand seafood feast with tender shrimp, a decadent crab cake, and a lobster tail topped with white wine butter. or the new wild-caught lobster & shrimp trio crispy and garlic grilled red shrimp, and a lobster tail with creamy lobster mac-and-cheese? you wanted a feast, you got it. feasts like these make the holidays
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? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back to "the late show"! it's just two days before
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the meal. that's why it's so important to get accurate information on turkey preparation. you could try youtube. lots of how-to videos there about how to give your turkey a smoky eye. but the gold standard is the butterball turkey talk-line. it's a toll free number you can call to speak to experts who really know what they're talking about. or, this year, to me because, last weekend, i flew to the heartland of america to help butterball out. >> announcer: the "late show" presents stephen colbert's thanksgiving turkey titches. >> stephen: i headed to the butterball call center in naperville, illinois where i met carol miller a 33 year
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>> stephen: carol, what makes a good butterball hot liner? what are you looking for. >> a good battleground. you have to be a good listener because they're telling you what's happening in your house. >> stephen: i didn't catch that? >> they're telling you what's happening in your house. you have to be a good detective. >> stephen: they might have murdered someone? >> no, you have to find clues. >> stephen: if they did murde someone? >> no, you need more clues to answer their question. >> stephen: what's the craziest question. >> sometimes they call and want to rent a turkey suit. >> stephen: why. i don't ask nu role playing, maybe? you be the pilgrim, i'll be the turkey, go get the baster? do you know the secret handshake? >> i don't. >> stephen: come at me like this and our thumbs hook from
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>> got it. >> stephen: what's the phone manner like? hi, this is steve. can i take -- >> yes, yes. >> stephen: how about, we canal to the butterball hotline. >> no, first one. thank you. when you're done talk and you've made them happy and goodbye you may want to say happy thanksgiving. >> stephen: should i give them happy at the begin org the end of the phone call? >> all the way through. when you're done, see the black button? that's going to get released and you will get another call. >> stephen: the release is right there. >> right. >> stephen: after the happy ending, i hit the black button for the call release. >> that's right. >> stephen: thank you. ( laughter ) great, thank you, carol. thank you very much. >> thanks. good luck. >> stephen: all right. butterball hotline, let's butter your balls. >> i like it well done, how
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>> stephen: a long time. cook it a long time. hi, this is carol, we canal to the turkey talk line. >> hi. carol, cooking my butterball turkey breast with wings, and i put it in at 325. >> stephen: oh, boy -- ( laughter ) >> but after two hours, i put aluminum foil on it? >> stephen: over all of it or just the thighs? >> there were no thighs. >> stephen: there were thighs. >> no. >> stephen: what happened to the bird. why were there no thighs? >> the way it was sold is the breast and wings. >> stephen: you got ripped off, birds usually come with thighs. i apologize. can i get a number? we'll send you out a fresh turkey with thighs. that's not right. >> how do you do that? >> stephen: give me an address, i'll send you another turkey. most of them are grown with them.
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less than the required cook time. >> stephen: that happens a lot. >> and the meat thermometer is saying it's at 188. >> stephen: get out of there, it's going to blow. is -- 188, no way you want a turkey that hot. >> that's what i'm saying! because i followed the time on the instructions. >> stephen: what's your name? why are you asking me my name? >> stephen: i'm trying to calm you down. seems like you're in a panic. >> because when i answered the phone you're described as turkey expert. >> stephen: well, that's mostly marketing. i apologize. butterball turkey talk line, this is steve, how can i help you? >> oh, i hope you can. this is remlly a question about stuffing. >> stephen: okay. do you call it stuffing or dressing? >> i call it stuffing. >> stephen: okay. wrong answer. bye-bye. ( applause ) >> hello. >> stephen: hello.
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>> i speak english. >> stephen: delta three-five-niner, this is chicago o'hare tower. need you to go to 2700 feet, level off on approach. please stay in a holding pattern. we will advice. >> hello. >> stephen: hello, is this delta three five niner? >> no, i'm calling the butterball -- turkey -- hot line. >> stephen: well, you've reached o'hare tower. can you please put the pilot on. >> what? >> stephen: can you please put you're on final approach to runway -- >> no, i'm not -- no! >> stephen: ma'am, it is a federal offense to interrupt with avionics or aviation. please put the pilot on right now. you are delta three five niner on approach to o'hare. i have planes stacked up on o'hare like cord wood right now. all right? >> i don't know what you're talking about. i'm calling the butterball
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>> stephen: can i have your name, please? >> no. absolutely not. >> stephen: i can't have your name. all right. i'm going to have to hand this over to homeland security if you don't give me your name. >> well, you can do that. >> stephen: delta three five niner, you are cleared to land. >> i'm going to call the police. all right? >> stephen: well, i'm going to call the army. if you want to get into it. >> i'm going to call the police right now. >> stephen: you're the one who's calling o'hare tower to you're calling the police? butterball turkey talk line, gobble gobble. >> hi, i've got a question. i bought a turkey yesterday at a target superstore. it was, like, in the refrigerator kind of open cooler in the produce department. >> stephen: oh, like those things that look like coffins? >> yeah, yeah, but they're closed. >> stephen: yeah. they're open. exactly. exactly. an open casket. >> yeah, okay.
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sell up to like november 28th. now, is it okay to just -- i brought it hope and just put it in my refrigerator. can i keep it in the refrigerator a week or can i freeze it first or was it still frozen first. >> stephen: it might be still frozen and you don't know it. the inside could be still frozen. >> because it's heavy, like 20 pounds. >> stephen: when it thaws, it will be just as heavy. don't put it outside. that's the one thing. a lot of people put their turk eyes outside to thaw. >> i want to ask you about the turkeys. >> stephen: don't be nervous. it's going to be fine, you're talking to a turkey expert now. >> it's squishy if i squeeze it but it feels heavy on the inside. it's not like i can move the leg. >> stephen: it's still in the packaging, right? do you have a wooden spoon? >> yeah.
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like a rock or does it sound like you're spank aging a lover. >> like you're spanking. >> stephen: put the phone up, too. >> i'm hitting it with my hand. ( laughter ) one more time. i didn't hear that. ( spank ) yeah, that's thawed. it will be fine. >> says sell by 11wh after thanksgiving. >> stephen: after thanksgiving, sell by 11/28. does it say what year? >> 2016. >> stephen: just making sure. yes. >> stephen: so, yeah, you can definitely sell it. >> sell it? >> stephen: yeah, you can definitely sell it, if it says you can sell it by 11/28, you can legally sell it. >> no, if it was in the refrigerator part of the produce department and they're sitting out there, so obviously they're just sitting out there as well as sitting in my fridge, right?
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thing which is why they sold it and you can sell it now, too. okay? >> you're confusing me now. >> stephen: you will be fine as long as you don't take any of my advice and have a fantastic time. >> okay. you have a good thanksgiving. >> stephen: you, too. goodbye. ( impossib impossib gobble gobb) >> stephen: happy thanksgiving, everybody! back with james marsden!
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? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and "stay human," everybody! ( cheers and applause ) thank you, sir. folks, my first guest tonight is an actor that "gq" recently named the world's handsomest man.
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butler" and now hbo's "westworld." >> do you remember now? yeah, of course i remember why. you look upon the face of true evil, you won't forget. you claimed you could they >> stephen: please welcome james marsden. ( cheers and applause ) ? >> thank you. very kind of everyone for that applause. >> stephen: they're very nice people.
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>> do they do that for everyone? >> stephen: only if you say nice things about them. >> okay. i love all of you very much. >> stephen: i'm a huge fan of the show but i'm a couple of episodes behind so no spoilers, please. >> okay. >> stephen: but i imagine that people must come up to you all the time, like the "westworld" fans, are a little obsessive, trying to figure out what it's about and that sort of thing. what do they yell at you when they see you? >> actually, i was on the plane the other day and i got up out of my seat to get something out of the overhead bin and a voice went like this -- are you real? i didn't even see the person. they seemed really put out that i was there on the plane. are you real? >> stephen: are you real? it puts the lotion on its skin. >> it chases delores and finds why and gets the hose again. my show runner will love that. no, i said, excuse me.
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you know, i don't want you getting shot up on my flight. so i said, are you real? i said, those bloody marys are real, aren't they? ( laughter ) >> stephen: you're already a movie star from big movies, but has this changed the number of people who recognized you on the street? every week they see a new james marsden movie, essentially. >> well, that's kind of you. it's usually split between the people who recognize me and the people who think i'm else. i get mistaken quite often for someone else. i was actually on the set of "westworld" and one of the key grips or someone on the crew came up and say, can i speak to you for a minute? i was, like, oh, boy. ehe said, i just want to say, your films, i watched them with my son. when i grew up, i was a boy and i read the comics and watched the tv show with my father and it was a tradition that we had,
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the same thing with your films, and it's a part of my household, it's a part of our tradition in my family that i cherish and thank you for being a part of that and god bless captain kirk. ( laughter ) i was, like, i just didn't have the heart to tell him i wasn't chris pine. >> stephen: or he thought you were william shatner. ( laughter ) there are philosophical there is lots of whiffs of philosophy coming off the show. what do you think it's about? what do you think "westworld" is about? >> i think it's the exen tear that it's presenting is sort of when do we become human and what it is to be human and is there a beginning of consciousness and how do you behave when no one's looking and there are no rules. from a human's perspective visiting, but beyond that we
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technology crazy and with we are fully immersed in virtual reality and video games an that's all on the horizon and there are people much smarter than i am that know where that's going. >> stephen: does that appear to you? have you done the goggles and exploration of virtual world and all that sort of thing? >> no, i was playing nintendo 64 last night, actually. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: the host on "westworld," the latest human as to be indistinguishable from human. >> right. >> stephen: how do you as an actor play a probot that is supposed to be indistinguishable from a human? >> jonah no land the show runner and lisa joy did an amazing job with us and said we're playing human beings, we're bringing humanity to these a.i. and evan rachel wood plays delores and we had a moment
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we as actors are robots. and we went, wait a second, we come in, someone gives us lines to read, we have a narrative, we do the scene, we make out with someone who's not our real girlfriend, we die sometimes, and they yell cut! let's do it one more time. let's reset and start over again. that's what we do for a living as actors! is this true the handsomest man thing? congratulations, "gq" named you "the world's handsomest man." does that come with anything? is there a medal or cash prize or you just get to keep your face? >> no, it's just an alba troughs around my neck. >> stephen: were you a stud growing up? >> i was not. >> stephen: you were not a
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>> no, i was sort of a theater geek. ( cheering ) >> stephen: you think this guy did not get any attention? >> look, you picked the best photo of me. >> stephen: would you like to see the best photo of me from high school? >> i would. >> stephen: this is the best photo of me from high school. ( cheers and applause ) >> we're safe to say that that is >> stephen: evidently it was pre-color film. ( laughter ) so if you couldn't get the girls' attention, what was your gamut to get their attention? >> i was goofy. i was in theater. i was a guy who was probably a little too enthusiastic to be playing, you know, hugo peabody in bye-bye birdie, and i probably may have confused some of the girls in high school. the girls would be, like, i
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yet. but i was kind of goofy. i was kind of, you know, i would come to school and do richard pryor and edd ed -- eddie murphy bits. i would memorize their standups. >> stephen: do you do impressions? >> well, not, like, on the spot. ( cheering ) >> stephe i just finished a movie with woody harrelson. the hardest are your walk-ins or mcconaughey. one thing about mcconaughey is you can't just do the all right, all right thing anymore, but what you've got to do is throw in a little texas whistle in there with those ss so when
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start to creep on in, and why don't you step outside to my air stream, i'll make you a margarita to blow your horns off ( imitating mcconaughey ) ( cheers and applause ) > >> stephen: "westworld" airs sunday nights on hbo. james marsden, everybody! we'll be right back with nascar james marsden, everybody! we'll be right back with nascar champion jimmie johnson. b ( cheers and applause ) wr. how much am i making for this again? her last opponent is still in a coma. what? i should go walk my cats. no. no no no. amy, get in there and fight for your life. isn't there an easier way to make a hundred k? sure. old navy's giving away a hundred k everyday through black friday. plus it's 50% off your entire purchase. 50% off!?! you keep in touch with me, girl. i'm going to old navy. ahh! it's 50% off wednesday through friday
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i just see a black screen. crazy stuff, man. you've gotta see this. what--what is this? it's like some 3d virtual world. can i see? oh yai yai yai yai yai yai. look at the moon.
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( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: hey! welcome back, everybody! my next guest just won his seventh sprint cup championship, making him tied for the most championships in nascar history. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the 2016 nascar sprint cup series champion, jimmie johnson! ( cheers and applause )
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congratulations, man! there you go. hey, hey! can we take a look at that thing right there? >> yeah. >> stephen: that is -- oh, my lord! that is -- this would make a great murder weapon. no one would ever suspect. it's got a lot of sharp a great thing to hold your nameos. congratulations. >> thank you. >> stephen: put it over there. it would be like getting rid of confession. congratulations. i've got the moment where you finished the line, celebrating with your friends. okay. that is the most -- ( cheers and applause ) did that hurt? >> at this point in time, if you zoom in, the pain hasn't hit me yet.
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and the next frame i'm just in utter misery. >> stephen: what gets me is i think there is more gatorade here than could possibly fit in the tub. is the back of this tub connected to narnia or something? ( laughter ) congratulations you joined richard petty and dale earnhardt as the seven-timers club. what does that mean to you? >> eth means so much to tie with the great icons of hopefully i can leave my own mark in the sport as they did. >> stephen: you're 41 right now. >> yes. >> stephen: got a little snow on the chin. >> coming in slowly. >> stephen: tony stuart's last race and he's 45. >> 45. >> stephen: how long can you drive? what's the career like? in some sports you're done by 41. >> right. >> stephen: what's the top range? >> i think mark marten went the
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there. i can get to 45, i think. >> stephen: i have sat in a nascar car, but i've never -- the wheels have never even rolled one full revolution with me in it. >> we need to change that. >> stephen: i know. it would be nice. the doctors say i've got a condition called a coward ( laughter ) >> clinical term. >> stephen: and i've ridden with the thunder birds but afraid to get in a nascar. >> i haven't b birds. >> stephen: don't do it. that's what i've heard from everybody. >> stephen: is there anything you can compare it to? >> we were all kids once and had our license and stood on the gas and raced around. it's in that same vein and that's where i started. granted, it was a lot safer than what i was doing on the streets as a kid. you're on a track, you have walls, everybody's going the same direction, an ambulance is nearby. pretty tame, honestly.
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was his race to lose before he crashed with ten to go or something like that. what the it like when you're in a crash, like being in an industrial drier with fluorescent bulbs thrown in with you? ( laughter ) are you oriented at all when that's happening? >> absolutely. as the crash starts, we're going on the brakes, some cases you need to be on the gas to try to spin out of the way, working the steering wheel, trying to im-- on. for us, there is a lot of noise in a crash, but when you hit hard, you just take a little nap, you wake up and you're okay. >> stephen: can't be too upset, you don't want to make it to 52. >> that's it. >> stephen: also, you're an athlete with the car but also your foot. you do triathlons. >> the pain in triathlon versus
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much easier. >> stephen: do you have to be in shape to drive a race car? >> yes. >> stephen: doesn't the car provide the muscle? >> true, but it's 120 degrees inside the car regardless of the outside temperature. >> stephen: you do a little hot owinga. >> no, i can't sit still so i don't do yoga. i'm very dehydrated right now because of the race and the ce to get back on that program. >> stephen: we race to the top of the show. >> i cramped a little. >> stephen: i saw the hand touch the grapefruit a lilt bit there. i'm not going to ask for instant replay. your hand touched the grapefruit a little bit there. also touched the orange. ( laughter ) >> we're going to stop there with the fruit? there's one more left. ( laughter )
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you're one of the all-time greats of your sport. what do you think makes you great? >> you know, i was asked this earlier and i've thought long and hard about it, and really the basis of being a top, top nascar driver is being good at complaining. >> stephen: how does complaining -- >> all i do is complain about what my car won't do and can somebody fix it. >> stephen: you just come into the pit and say, hey, than, this thing won't even go faster. >> i canit the button, talk to the crew, yell at them about how bad the car is and hope they can dream up something to fix it. greatest job in the world. ( laughter ) >> stephen: if you're doing 180, if you're out in the front and know you have the rest of the field dustt even at 180, does your mind wander, like, i got to pick up some eggs and bread? ( laughter ) do you ever start whistling a taylor swift song or something like that? >> the taylor swift song's been
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we went to her concert. >> stephen: doe does taylor kno? you should be in the squad. >> what's that? >> stephen: the girl's squad. doesn't sound good. i don't know about. this my daughter can be. >> stephen: okay. we'll work it out. i think she would like to have you up there. jimmie, lovely to meet you. thank you so much again. good to have you back. 2016 nascar sprint cup series champion seven-timemm johnson. we'll be right back with john waters!
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about future grandchildren. when families gather things get messy. ours can help. sc johnson. hey come quick... my new beer, stella artois, is finished. the people will love it. originally brewed for the holidays. enjoyed ever since. stella artois. host one to remember i'm here with target's black friday you guys look amazing! good thing i wore my formal frosting tonight!
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( cheers and applause )
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( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! hey, everybody! my next guest is known as "the pope of trash" and the man behind films like "pink flamingos," "hairspray" and "cry-baby." please welcome, john waters!
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>> stephen: thanks for being here. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: that jacket is a wake me up. >> thank you. i try to dress like a jackson pollack painting. >> stephen: it's working. thanks. >> stephen: you've got a christmas tour coming up called "a john waters christmas," a ve country. >> 18 cities. >> stephen: obviously before christmas we have thanksgiving. what's "a john wate a john wates thanksgiving like? >> every year i go to my sister's and i bring a swag bag of everything fans and companies send me i don't want and all my nieces and nephews go through it and try it on but i forget some
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send me is a little questionable and i'll see a little 5-year-old with a bossy t-shirt. >> stephen: so the hippest kid at pre-school. >> or the authorities raid the thanksgiving, right. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you have been known for doing pretty outrageous films and shows. what does it take to shock john waters these days? >> well, the election shocked me, certainly. ( applause ) >> stephen: yeah. yeah, i did feel like somebody stuck me with a cattle prod. but here's how i feel about it. i lived through nixon and reagan who said there wasn't anything about aids. trump at least has met a gay person but pence is the one i'm worried about. >> stephen: no impeaching? oh, i think he might not last four years but i'll get through it. people say, i'm leaving the
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( laughter ) but to me, you know, the whole thing about pence is his policies are so terrible. i mean, with gay people, you know, he wanted to not have aides funding and give it to conversion therapy. well, even pence wouldn't want me to be straight, really. i mean, what would i do? be doing the electric slide and agoling tiffany trump? it's hard to imagine. so i think he deserved what he got at "hamilton," to be honest. first of all, "hamilton" is the only musical heterosexualmen ever loved, and i really looked it, too, but he better be careful if he goes back to broadway. i hope he doesn't go to the revival of bette midler and hello dolly because those cho russ girls will come out and give him a new kind of (bleep). ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: not sure how much
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to cbs, but thank you for being here. ( laughter ) "a john waters christmas." what do you love about the holiday? >> i love it's so extreme. >> stephen: what do you mean? it's coming at you. can't change it. there is nothing you can do about it. so every year at christmas i try to think of things i want for christmas. >> stephen: toys and stuff like that? >> well, toys are -- i collect every year and the list just came out, i'm so ete "watch" which is world against toys that cause harm, and every year they release a list of the ten most dangerous toys. and i collect them. >> stephen: is this one of them? >> yeah, this is the first one ever. gobbles, the garbage-eating goat. and i have it ( laughter ) the problem with it is the little garbage it ate children choked on. but i gave it to my nephews.
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but this year, they've got some good new ones. >> stephen: what is this, butch? >> the butch charging dinosaur. i thought it was a present for baby lesbians, you know, but it's not because the problem on this is it has some starting device that punctures your neck if you get it to close. well, that's going to be a problem at christmas. >> stephen: you will get blood all over the tree. >> yeah. >> stephen: what do you want for christs >> i want backing for a business. i want to start a new sex club. we don't have them anymore. >> stephen: i wouldn't know. you never went to hellfire? >> stephen: no, i couldn't afford the initiation. ( laughter ) >> but i want to have a new kind and the publicity event, first of all, would be all the gay women from provincetown would go to fire island and raid the meat rack there, and all the nude men
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the weekend and they would have sex lesbians and gay men together and it would be a new strain of heterosexuality. ( applause ) >> stephen: and this is what you want for christmas? >> i do. if there is any backers out there, my club would be called flip-flop. >> stephen: well, good luck. it's very 2018. >> stephen: it certainly is. you can christmas" comedy tour across
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>> stephen: that's it for the "late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be danny devito, max greenfield and musical guest ok-go. now stick around for james corden and his guests, aaron eckhart and trevor noah. goodnight! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ? are you ready y'all to have some fun ? feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ? where you come from it's gonna be all right ? it's the late, late show

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