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tv   Late Night With Seth Meyers  NBC  July 27, 2016 12:37am-1:38am PDT

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- alicia vikander, host of "watch what happens live", andy cohen, comedian maria bamford, featuring the 8g band with matt cameron. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: good evening. i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how's everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] good to hear. very, very good to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. democrats held a roll call vote today to formally elect hillary clinton as their party's nominee. delegates had the option of
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voting either "no" or, "ugh, fine." [ laughter ] bernie sanders supporters were so angry last night that they booed each mention of hillary clinton's name and even booed the pastor leading the pre-convention prayer. [ light laughter ] of course, this was philadelphia. booing is just how people exhale. [ laughter ] boooo! boooo! [ laughter ] michelle obama spoke at the democratic convention last night and warned voters about donald trump saying, "the issues the president faces cannot be boiled down to 140 characters." but i don't know, maybe under president trump they can. [ light laughter ] for all of us. [ applause ] that's for all of us. we're all his followers now. during michelle obama's speech last night she told the crowd that this election and every
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election is about who will have the power to shape our children for the next four or eight years of their lives. said trump, "i'm the best at shaping children. no, no, not those two! [ laughter ] no, that's it. that's the good one. that's the one i like. [ laughter and applause ] yeah." michelle obama spoke yesterday at the democratic national convention and by all accounts it was an impressive speech. responses spanned from enthusiastic to emotional. and this is really great, thanks to a cnn audience camera, we were able to see the full range of emotions and reactions for people watching michelle obama. check it out. >> and because of hillary clinton, my daughters and all our sons and daughters, now take for granted that a woman can be president of the united states. [ cheers ] [ laughter ] >> yes, yes, yes! >> seth: and this -- i don't
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even know how they did this, this is cool. they even caught some republicans' reactions to watching the same speech. here we go. >> don't let anyone ever tell you that this country isn't great. that somehow we need to make it great again. [ screams ] because this right now is the greatest country on earth. >> seth: and of course here was donald trump's reaction. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: there you have it. it was a great speech. [ applause ] now during the democratic convention last night, donald trump tweeted, "sad to watch bernie sanders abandon his revolution." i guess trump's advisors didn't have the heart to tell him he was watching paul simon. [ light laughter ] bernie sanders spoke at the new york delegation breakfast this morning, where for once he enjoyed a good schmear campaign. [ laughter ] yeah. yeah. that's a dumb joke. [ light laughter ] former vice president al gore,
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yesterday, endorsed hillary clinton. he then returned to the ocean to rejoin his pod. [ laughter ] a british airways flight had to make an emergency landing recently after the cabin strongly smelled like marijuana. even worse, the pilot was flying at like five miles per hour. [ laughter ] we're gonna be in chicago in about 45 hours. [ light laughter ] justin bieber was reportedly seen in a los angeles nightclub arm wrestling 7- foot nba star joel embiid. he was also seen leaving the nightclub. [ laughter ] new york was hit with a large thunderstorm last night, which caused enough rain to create temporary waterfalls in some subway stations. it's the closest new yorkers have ever come to seeing nature. [ laughter ] i saw the most beautiful waterfall last night. [ laughter ] full of rats. [ laughter ]
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analysts have found that people that live in the western u.s. are the most likely to use marijuana. said people in the western u.s., "yeah, but who's most likely to use marijuana?" [ laughter ] finally, mick jagger turns 73 today. just think, 73 years ago today, mick jagger's girlfriend's parents' parents were born. [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight! [ cheers and applause ] from the new film "jason bourne", alicia vikander is back on the show. [ cheers and applause ] one of our favorit, from bravo's "watch what happens live", the wonderful andy cohen is back. [ cheers and applause ] and she is the star and creator of a fantastic show that's on netflix right now, called "lady dynamite." maria bamford is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] she is a very funny person. i'm so happy she's here. as we mentioned, yesterday was the first day of the democratic
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national convention. and while there were messages of unity from michelle obama, elizabeth warren, and bernie sanders, the evening was marred, not by all bernie's supporters, but by a small percentage, members of the hardcore "bernie or bust" movement, who chanted and booed through most of the evening. which brings me to a new segment called, "hey!" ♪ [ applause ] >> seth: hey! what's going on? i tuned in last night and there was more white booing than the "casper" movie. [ light laughter ] look, i know you're bernie or bust, but the results are in, bust won. we don't have time for this. donald trump is ahead in the polls. the house is on fire. stop crying because we're not putting it out with your hose. [ light laughter ] hey! [ snapping ] pay attention. [ light laughter ] we are on the cusp of electing a racist demagogue, and that never ends well. i don't know which class you ditched to go to those bernie rallies, but i have a feeling it was history. [ laughter ]
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you're like a cavaliers fan who goes to the games and boos when lebron dunks with the wrong hand. [ light laughter ] oh, wait, that would never happen, because that is ridiculous! [ light laughter ] but i know what you're going to say. "i don't know anyone who's planning to vote for trump." oh, you don't? did you ask everybody in your yoga class? [ light laughter ] did you check with the entire drum circle? because guess what? you know how you have that crazy uncle you only see at thanksgiving? well this country is about 48% crazy uncles. [ laughter ] and it's about to be thanksgiving all day, every day. [ laughter ] and please don't say, "pass the gravy." because if trump is elected, no one gets gravy. [ laughter ] trump gets all of the gravy! [ laughter ] also, because of you, bernie is going to have to campaign for hillary every day until election day. and he shouldn't have to do that. one, because he hates her. [ light laughter ] it's just unlike you, he's adult enough to pretend he doesn't. [ light laughter ]
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and two, bernie should be on a well-earned vacation. just sitting on a stoop, drinking cream soda, and yelling at people to put their garbage in the trash can. [ laughter ] and another thing, if you're going to put tape over your mouth to symbolize that you are being silenced, don't agree to do an interview. >> is there anything hillary clinton could say or do to win you over? >> nothing. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> seth: one or the other! tape or talking! you can't do both! look. look. i get disappointment. we've all experienced disappointment. i couldn't get rihanna to go out with me, but i don't stand in the kitchen and boo my wife. [ laughter ] at least not while she's telling me how she plans to make my life better. bernie did a great job. you did a great job. your passion changed the democratic party and that is no small thing. you should be proud of yourselves for his campaign. but also, you have to be quiet now!
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now is the time to be quiet! this has been "hey!" ♪ [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with alicia vikander! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ well? i love it. this piece is so you. i know, right? i saw it and i was just like "oh, i have to have it..." is it suede? it's suede. i love suede. state farm knows that every one those moments, there's one of these... well? i love it. this piece is so you. i know, right? i saw it and i was just like "i have to have it..." is it suede? it's suede. i love suede. that's why we're there, with renters insurance, when things go wrong... but also here, with a rewards credit card, to help life go right. state farm. first you start with this. these guys. a place like shhh! no.
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[ cheers and applause ] seth: our first guest is an academy award winning actress who you know from films like "the danish girl" and "ex machina." starting friday you can see her in "jason bourne." let's take a look. ♪ >> bourne, my name is heather lee. i'm not in charge here. i wasn't here when you went missing. i can see you're going through the old treadstone phones. retracing your history. i know you're looking for something. let me help you find it. >> seth: please welcome back to the show alicia vikander. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back. >> thank you. >> seth: so happy to see you. i'm so excited there's another bourne movie. >> oh, me too. >> seth: i'm so excited it's matt damon. i'm so excited it's paul greengrass.
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>> greengrass. >> seth: but you were a huge fan of these films. >> i was. i actually -- when i heard that paul greengrass and matt damon were teaming back together to make a new one, i was just so excited and i was beyond -- when i knew i was going to be part of it. so -- >> seth: did you -- was there a moment where you weren't officially part of it when you met them where you had to play it cool? >> well, you know, i was going to have this meeting with the director. and normally you have a little chit chat. you talk about the film. you say goodbye. and the agents kind of call each other and make up. and i kind of was just stepped in and i was like, "i've seen your films so many times. i used to live with my girlfriends in london and we had the trilogy in a box. we used to watched it on sundays." so, i was kind of just geeking out the first time i met him. >> seth: yeah. also, you made living in london sound pretty lame. like -- [ laughter ] we had an apartment full of -- >> well, it's tough. you know? >> seth: yeah. we were -- it was -- we were four girlfriends living in two small rooms. we did have rats in the kitchen. >> seth: oh, wow. >> so we didn't use that. >> seth: gotcha. >> first day we closed that door and never opened it again. and -- >> seth: so you -- i like that
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you address your problems. >> yeah. >> seth: there are rats in the kitchen. what's the solution? call an exterminator? no. >> no, we're poor. >> seth: close the door, never go in there. [ light laughter ] now this is incredible, cause you mentioned you lived with these girls in london. and two of them are the band icona pop. >> yes. >> seth: so, were they sort of young up-and-coming musicians at the same time you were a doing acting? >> yeah. i think i went to a show of theirs at koko in london. it was like me and seven other people in the audience. but i was cheering. i was -- you know. >> seth: there you go. >> yeah, they were great. >> seth: i think you're probably one of the keys to their success. the fact that you were there that night. >> yeah. >> seth: so this movie, i know there's an insane sort of car chase in vegas. >> yeah. >> seth: that sort of is a very important part of the film. yet you are not in the car chase. >> unfortunately not. >> seth: were you heartbroken that you -- >> well, you know, i read in the script about this sequence. and i thought how, you know, it's set on the strip. and it's cars flying everywhere. and i was like, there's no way they're going to do this. and i guess nowadays they kind
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of just assume that everything is cgi. >> seth: yeah. >> and green screen. but they -- we arrived there and they said, "no. we're gonna just" -- you know. they said, "yes, we're going to close it down every night for two weeks between midnight and 3 o'clock." >> seth: wow. >> in the night. >> seth: which is still a very busy time in las vegas. >> yeah! >> seth: in other places -- >> i mean it's 24/7. >> seth: midnight to three you can shut and that's fine. >> exactly. >> seth: yeah. >> that's why it was very difficult to end work in the evening and you have to go through the casino each night. that was dangerous. anyway, but yes. i went to the top roof of one of the levels of the hotel and i kind of got the virtual reality experience. >> seth: oh, so you just watched every night as they did this bourne thing? >> i mean it was insane. they told me that it is 170 cars that they blew up. >> seth: wow. >> they could have given me one at least. >> seth: yeah, no kidding. like a parting gift at least. you know, blow up 169 cars. >> yeah. >> seth: and then one for you. >> yeah. but it was really amazing seeing vehicles, like, fly in the air. >> seth: so two weeks in vegas. i have spent some time in vegas. i would say maximum you want to be there is 72 hours. >> yeah.
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[ light laughter ] >> seth: and the last 24 hours are -- >> i did about 38. >> seth: 38. >> when i was there. >> seth: yeah. so you hit the wall? was your time in vegas sorta -- >> yeah, that was kind of it. when i went the first time i did the, you know, traditional in and out and good night. >> seth: yeah, like, go to a show. >> yeah. >> seth: like, that sort of stuff. >> and then when they told me we were going to go there, i just thought, i'm going to die. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] no, two weeks in vegas sounds like where people -- some people go there to die. >> no, five, six weeks. >> seth: six weeks in vegas. >> yes! >> seth: oh, okay. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> seth: that's even worse. that's not good. >> no, no, no. >> seth: yeah. >> no. i was in that hotel for, like, one and a half months. >> seth: well that's a weird thing about a vegas hotel because they -- when i've been there, like, you just have no sense of the passage of time. >> no, you don't. >> seth: yeah. >> and so, yeah, like i said, it was a dangerous thing coming down from work. >> seth: that's good. i'm so happy -- >> but it was cool. i mean, you woke, when normally it's tough getting to work at 5:00 a.m. in the morning. but you just went down to the casino, and like -- [ snap ] they have, you know, the air comes on. >> seth: yeah. >> and the oxygen's there and it was just cool. >> seth: no it is. you do not need coffee in vegas. you're pretty much, everything is vegas is coffee. you're just up.
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[ light laughter ] this other film that you have coming up, tell us about this. >> yes. "the light between oceans." >> seth: okay. >> coming out the 2nd of september, i think. >> seth: this is very exciting. and this seems very unique. that you go to the film and is it true that on the first day the director basically put you on camera without even letting you rehearse the scene? >> yes. so, our director on that film, derek cianfrance, he's kind of known for giving experiences and memories to his actors. that was all they told me. >> seth: good experiences? good memories? >> well, you would hope. >> seth: yeah. >> but, yeah, i mean, it started pretty weird then. because i wasn't allowed to get out on set on the first day of the shoot. i wasn't involved in that scene. he was like, "no, no. you" -- and we were almost one and a half hour away from set, so i was by myself in this business hotel when the entire crew went. and then i had a pickup at 2:00 a.m. in the morning. >> seth: okay. >> i got in the car, couldn't see anything. no one would tell me anything. everyone was just like very mysterious. they're like, get in the car. i was like -- >> seth: so you maybe were kidnapped. >> yeah.
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>> seth: yeah. >> you know, it's, you know, a girl in new zealand in this little town. but i got into that car in the middle of the night. and i drove out and then they talked about blindfolding me, but they just, you know, closed my eyes and led me in complete darkness somewhere. and then i opened my eyes -- >> seth: this sounds like they took you to a haunted house. >> in then i -- in a woodshed. >> seth: so it was a haunted house. >> yeah. >> seth: you were in a woodshed. >> i was in a woodshed. >> seth: does the movie take place in a woodshed or is this just a place they were keeping you? [ laughter ] >> the woodshed actually exists in the film. so you will be able to see it. >> seth: okay. so it was a practical woodshed. >> yeah. but they put on my makeup and costume in there. and then they -- the first a.d. came in and said, "you're on in seven minutes." and i was like, "but where's the direction? what am i doing?" and he was like, "well, no, you open this door." and i knew it was this one scene where my character isabel kind of explores her new home. she's gonna live on an island with her husband and be lighthouse keepers. so it's the first day when she arrives and he just said, "yeah, open the door. you will see the director and
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the camera guys somewhere and you'll just have to go towards them." so i opened up and i saw them kind of there, trying to not look in camera. and walked up this hill. and then when i got up to the top to the lighthouse, they had timed it so the sun came up from the sea and i looked up to the most extraordinary nature i've ever seen in my entire life. this was the south island in new zealand. >> seth: uh-huh. >> and i just step -- you can actually when -- if you go and -- please, see the film. you will see my reaction which is really not isabel. it's just me not acting very well. because it's just alicia getting really -- sight of this morning. no. this view. >> seth: see, i'm a terrible actor but i could do that. >> yeah. >> seth: i could just like walk up and like react to a sunset, i feel like. >> yeah. anyone can do it. >> seth: see i've got to be in that guy's next movie. [ laughter ] i can't wait for that. i can't wait for "bourne." thank you so much for being back on the show. >> thank you so much. >> seth: it's such a delight to see you. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. >> seth: alicia vikander everybody. "jason bourne" opens everywhere this friday. we'll be right back with more
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. please give it up to the 8g band right over there. [ cheers and applause ] also, sitting in on drums this week with the 8g band, he's a member of two legendary bands, soundgarden and pearl jam, matt cameron, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] be sure to check out matt and seattle based supergroup, temple of the dog who will re-release their self-titled album in september followed by their first ever tour which kicks off november 4th in philadelphia. thank you so much for being here, matt. it's great to having you back. >> thank you, seth. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: our next guest is a "new york times" best-selling author and the host and executive producer of "watch what happens live," which airs sunday through thursday nights on bravo. please welcome back to the show our friend, andy cohen. ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
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how are you? >> what's up? >> seth: it's so good to see you. >> it's great to see you. >> seth: and congratulations, seven years of "watch what happens live." >> i know, i can't believe it. >> seth: that's crazy. >> it's a lot cocktails. >> seth: it's a lot of cocktails. >> it's a lot of cocktails. [ light laughter ] >> seth: but i'd have to say, this makes sense to me this show continues to go. i have so much fun when i do it. >> thank you. >> seth: it's such a -- i mean, and it seems like you've had so many different guests over the years. >> it's been really great, it's been really fun, and i love it every time you come. >> seth: do you -- are there people now that you -- have you had, you've done so many shows, do you forget if you've had them on? >> yes! my staff plays a little game with me to keep me engaged during rehearsal, sometimes called, "have they ever done your show?" [ laughter ] and so they show me pictures of people and i'm like -- at first i have to name the person because i'm terrible with faces and names. >> seth: yeah. i have to name the person. and then say -- and i'll say, "no, that person's never been." then they show a picture of us going, "ha ha ha ha!" [ laughter ] cheers! so it's terrible. >> seth: yeah, because it's one thing to socially meet and forget someone.
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>> yes. >> seth: but when you had them on the show -- >> it's terrible. >> seth: you asked them questions. >> you know, i was at the nbc up front where i last saw you, actually, i think. >> seth: yeah. >> and i saw vanessa hudgens there and her hair was wild. >> seth: yeah. it was unbelievable, it was crazy. and i thought she was a telenovela star from univision. >> seth: okay. [ laughter ] >> and she waved at me, and i was like, "oh, that telenovela star is waving at me. i love it." so then saw her at a party that night, and i said "hey, by the way, i'm andy cohen." she goes, "i've been on your show. i'm vanessa hudgens." [ laughter ] i said, i go, "it's the hair." it was terrible. i love her. >> seth: yeah. >> right. >> seth: but it happens. >> yes. it does. >> seth: people don't understand. when you have a talk show, you talk to a lot of people. >> i know, it's true. i know it's true. and i'm drinking at the same time. >> seth: yeah you're drinking. i have no excuse. you have that. >> right, you're sobes. >> seth: you went to the all-star game, and you played the celebrity softball game. >> yes, the mlb celebrity -- >> seth: second time you played. >> second time. >> seth: here you are. i guess this is you sort of with some of your crew? that's drew brees.
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>> mark-paul gosselaar, and drew brees, and morris chestnut. >> seth: and, are you -- do you have the skills to do this? or -- >> no. >> seth: okay. hlh >> i can hit a softball. >> seth: okay. >> i can hit. and i will swing at any softball that comes to me. >> seth: okay. >> so i got a very awkward hit. >> seth: that seems like a threat. >> i know. i will swing. >> seth: if you get a softball near -- yeah. >> yes. i will swing. i got a very awkward hit. the worst part was they have you fill out a form to say, "what position do you want to play?" >> seth: right. >> i said to my assistant, "where does the ball not go?" >> seth: okay. >> and she said, "put right field." >> seth: i would say the very fact that you had to ask your assistant -- [ laughter ] >> right, i know, i know. i put right field. and they have you rank positions. >> seth: yeah. >> so my last position was pitcher, second to last was shortstop. "don't put me there." i get there, i'm playing shortstop. >> seth: oh, no. >> i said, "i'm being punked." i go, "you guys are trying to make viral videos so people will watch this show on espn." >> seth: right. >> i told ozzie smith, cardinal legend, ozzie smith. >> seth: yeah. >> i go, "ozzie, i'm playing shortstop. what do i do?" he's like, "ah ha ha ha ha!" [ laughter ]
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he had to get over his laughing. >> seth: well, also the very idea that at the last second, someone could fill you in. >> oh, i know. >> seth: on shortstop. >> no, i know. it's terrible. >> seth: "oh, what do you do?" >> yes, right. >> seth: oh, i got it now. and you also, this is a nice shot of you and all -- >> oh, this was the best. i met all the mascots from all the teams. >> seth: that's great. >> i mean, that's amazing, right? >> seth: yeah. >> yeah. there's mark consuelos, and then there's me, and then there's all the mascots. >> seth: that's great. that's fantastic. >> that was before the game when i had hope and promise. [ light laughter ] >> seth: one of my -- one of my favorite -- i think one of our great modern friendships is you and anderson cooper. >> yes. >> seth: you guys have been friends for a very long time. >> one of the great modern friendships. >> seth: one of the great modern friendships. >> yeah, absolutely. >> seth: this is what i feel about this. >> yeah. >> seth: and how -- you guys go out on tour. >> yes. we're on tour. >> seth: you do the ac2. >> we've done 20 cities. we're in st. louis in october 15th. >> seth: and you go on stage. >> yes. >> seth: and you basically tell stories about your lives and interview each other. >> yes. >> seth: and recently, where were you that you got ambushed by a wedding party? >> oh, we were doing a little west coast jaunt. we were in orange county friday, then we went to santa barbara. we check in into the four seasons in santa barbara, which is gorgeous by the way.
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and there was a wedding happening, and the mother of the bride clocked anderson. she had no idea who i was. and she said, "oh my god, i want you to take pictures with the bridal party!" and i'm like, "see ya! i'm going to the pool." [ laughter ] he was like -- [ laughter ] and so, he went to take those pictures, and then -- >> seth: that looks like that guy was mad at you. [ laughter ] >> yeah, exactly. yeah, totally. and then, i went to the pool. and i come back in my short shorts to go back to the room with my vitamin d, and i get all the groomsmen. there were like 15 groomsmen. and they're like, "hey, let's take photos." i'm like, "all right, this i like." >> seth: this is -- >> so this, i was psyched for that. [ laughter ] right? >> seth: that looks like -- [ applause ] >> yeah. what does that look like? >> seth: that looks like you're on the set of a 1980s music video. [ laughter ] >> i know, it does. i know. am i the only one in costume? >> seth: yeah. >> yeah. >> seth: well it's like this is a, like, it's from your album, "andy cohen hits the links" or something like that. >> yes, exactly. [ light laughter ] i know, totally. >> seth: you're working on your third book. >> yes, i am. >> seth: and so, your last book
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was "the andy cohen diaries." >> yes. >> seth: and this is a follow-up diaries. >> it is. it's called "superficial: more adventures from the andy cohen diaries." >> seth: okay. >> and it's two years in my life, and it comes out in november, and i'm very nervous. i'm copy editing it now. >> seth: okay. >> that i'm going to lose friends. >> seth: did you have -- [ laughter ] did that happen with the first book? >> well, as i wrote -- when i turned the first book in, i kept writing. and as i'm going on the book tour, and i'm doing press, and i'm writing, i start realizing that there are certain people who are in the book who i haven't heard from. and then maybe my friendships changed with them. >> seth: gotcha. >> so maybe. >> seth: all right. >> i think there's going to be a couple more. there may be people who i actually am not friends with who now will never consider being friends with me. [ laughter ] >> seth: oh, i see. >> yeah. >> seth: you're pre-eliminating a friendship. >> pre-eliminating. >> seth: gotcha. >> yes. i have enough. >> seth: well, that's very exciting, and i hope you don't alienate many people. i think i got name dropped once in the first book. >> you did, and it was good. >> seth: and i was fine. we're good. yeah. >> you're good in this one too. >> seth: i'm good, okay, great. >> it's some mentions, all positive.
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your wife may be mentioned. >> seth: yes. >> yes, positively. >> seth: well every time my wife and i see you i always say to her, "remember, he's writing a diary." [ laughter ] >> yes, exactly. see he's smart. >> seth: just stay -- >> he's smart. >> seth: don't do anything that's diary-worthy. >> right, exactly. >> seth: you might think my wife and i are super boring. we just know you're writing a diary. >> no, right. you're so smart. >> seth: yeah. every time you leave the room, we tell our best stories. >> right. you're like, "oh, yeah! let's do shots!" [ laughter ] >> seth: we -- yeah, we do. >> right. >> seth: we always do shots when you leave the room. >> yeah, exactly. yes. >> seth: so you -- we see each other. we live in the same neighborhood. >> yeah. >> seth: we're dog owners. i see you with your dog all the time. >> yes. >> seth: and you're doing something with purina now? >> i'm working with purina. they have this very cool -- you know, i'm a big rescue advocate. >> seth: yeah. >> and this guy, there's that old saying about the dog rescues you, and he really did rescue me. i had a cold, stone heart before. and now, i'm just a blooming onion of heart. >> seth: yeah. yeah. [ laughter ] >> and so he is great. so i'm teaming with purina one for this one difference campaign they're doing. they worked with an organization called, mutt-i-grees, where they take rescue dogs and they put
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them into schools for kids, and teach kids how to care for dogs, which is really great. i signed up wacha and i in the purina one 28-day challenge, which you can do with frisbee. >> seth: okay, great. >> which is the best name for a dog by the way. >> seth: thank you. >> i love the name frisbee. >> seth: wacha is pretty good. yeah. >> and so -- and for every person who signs up they're giving 10 bucks to mutt-i-grees, which is really cool, to keep the campaign going. and it's super easy to sign up, purinaone.com/onedifference. >> seth: fantastic. >> yeah, it's cool. >> seth: and always so great to see you, my friend. >> great to see you. >> seth: i can't wait to come back and do your show again. >> i know! me too! [ cheers and applause ] >> reporter: andy cohen, everybody! "watch what was live," airs sunday through thursday nights on bravo. be right back with more "late night!" [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back to "late night," everybody. now, many of you, it is unlikely that many of you know this, but in addition to being one of the best crews in television all of the people, every single person who works behind the scenes here at "late night" from the camera operators to the sound engineers are extremely respected and accomplished poets. this is true. [ light laughter ] this is not a bit. [ laughter ] in fact, a lot of them work at the show during the day and write and teach poetry at night. so we thought why not let them share some of them poetry with you now in our latest edition of "crew poetry." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: i think i said "some of them poetry." let us share some of them poetry. [ light laughter ] first up is the recipient of the poetry of society of america's prestigious robert frost award. he's also our cameraman, gene kelly. gene will be reading a poem entitled "my dream job." ♪
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[ light laughter ] >> "my dream job," my gene kelly. working gladly in showbiz. lights, camera, actions. it's a decent gig, almost no dissatisfaction. but i would give it all up, the glitz, the glamour, the applause. to move to the north pole and become the first black santa claus. [ laughter and applause i'd bring fresh new swagger to the suit, beard, and hat. trip out rudolph's nose with chrome, he'd be one cool cat. [ laughter ] i'd be jolly but when it comes to picking who's naughty or nice, this chocolate santa wouldn't take no griff, he'd become cold as ice. [ laughter ] so when you see old saint nick
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dashing through the snow, you'll know it's this bad boy when i say, "ho ho ho." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: thank you, gene. that was a beautiful, beautiful poem. [ applause ] next up is angella valentine. angella recently won the pulitzer prize for poetry and is a member of our hair and makeup department. she'll be reading a poem entitled "the coif of madness." ♪ >> "the coif of madness," by angella valentine. this coif of madness, it frightens me to death. of course i speak of the hair on top of seth. [ laughter ] that point, that tin-tin point, it haunts my waking life. nothing can cut it off, neither scissors nor knife. [ laughter ] the point is alive. it has a life of its own. i swear if you're real quiet you can hear it groan. [ groaning ] [ laughter ]
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>> help me! [ laughter ] >> it doesn't matter what we throw at it, hairspray or gel. that point is the spawn of satan, it was birthed in hell. [ light laughter ] [ light applause ] >> seth: thank you. thank you so much, angela. that is a -- [ cheers and applause ] it was a beautiful poem. and i hope one day i will be free from this living nightmare. [ applause ] up next is buck buchanan. he is a five-time recipient of stanford university's prestigious stegner fellowship for poetry, and he operates our jib camera. buck will be reading a poem entitled "an invitation." ♪ >> "an invitation," by buck buchanan. a married couple's love life is delicate like a tulip in bloom. that is why my wife and i keep things interesting in the bedroom. [ laughter ] no position unexplored, no toy too absurd. [ laughter ] in fact, seth, we're inviting
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you to be our third. [ laughter and applause ] let's get lost in ecstasy, but don't rush, build the sexual tension. seth, you dress up like a schoolboy, you've been bad, report to detention. [ laughter ] we can knock boots in the bed, in the backyard, in the shower. so what do you say, seth? will you join our eiffel tower? [ laughter ] seth, will you have sex with my wife and me? [ laughter ] >> seth: well, i guess that depends. uh. [ cheers and applause ] what does your wife look like? [ laughter ] >> like this. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: yeah, man. i'm in. whoo! whoo! [ laughter ] our next poem is by ross luippold. a nobel laureate in the field of poetry and a member of our social media team.
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he's in charge of putting our content on the internet and helping it find an online audience. he'll be reading a poem entitled "viral kryptonite." ♪ >> "viral kryptonite," by ross luippold. a viral video catches fire online, spreads, and runs free. that is, as long as the video clip isn't crew poetry. [ light laughter ] this sketch is one that i hate. one that i often disparage. no one will share it tomorrow. it's a viral miscarriage. [ laughter ] it has no celebrity cameos, no singing, no fun. it's aut poetry for god's sake, a favorite topic to none. sure we can put on it youtube, on facebook, on twitter. but when it comes to clicks, this one goes straight down the [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] who cares about people you don't know being on tv? oh, wait, i just realized, one of those people is me. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: haunting. that was haunting, ross. and beautiful.
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and finally, we have our cue card guy, wally. ♪ [ light laughter ] >> "helping a friend," by wally feresten. friendship is deeper than love with roots as strong as a tree. that's why i help my friend seth when i watched his dog, frisbee. i walked her, i fed her, treated her like a star. but then i drank seth's whiskey and left his front door ajar. [ laughter ] i passed out completely in a booze induced fog. >> seth: wait, wally are you telling me you lost my dog? >> i don't know where she is, seth. i feel as rotten as swine. i've called the cops, the pound, i even made this sign. [ laughter and applause ] look at the bright side, seth. you won't have to deal with her annoying yap. >> seth: but i love frisbee, the way she barks, scampers, and curls up on my lap. >> are you mad at me, seth? it was completely accidental. >> seth: but then who's the dog in my house? >> oh, it's a replacement i stole from the kennel.
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[ laughter ] look, i'm sure frisbee's safe. she's strong, her courage abounds. >> seth: are you [ bleep ] nuts, wally? she barely weighs three pounds. [ laughter and applause ] >> well, i guess you're right, you got me there, i'm not gonna lie. but you shouldn't have left your dog with an alcoholic cue card guy. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: fair point. fair point. that's "crew poetry." if anyone out there cares about finding my dog, please, please, please share this video online. [ laughter ] yeah. there we go. we'll be right back with maria bamford! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i thought my bladder leakage meant my social life was over. it scared me and caused a lot of disappointment and how i feel about myself. wearing depend underwear has helped me feel more connected
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that's why i bought six of you... for when you stretch out. i want you to stay this bright blue forever... that's why you will stay in this drawer... forever. i can't live without you. and that's why i will never, ever wash you. protect your clothes from the damage of the wash with downy fabric conditioner. it not only softens and freshens... it helps protect clothes... from stretching, fading and fuzz... so your favorite clothes stay your favorite clothes. downy fabric conditioner wash in the wow. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back,
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everybody. our next guest is a very funny actress and comedian who stars in the hilarious netflix series, "lady dynamite." she is performing at just for laughs festival in montreal this wednesday through friday, and the playstation theater in new york on saturday. please welcome to the show, maria bamford! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> hi, how are you? >> hello. very good. >> seth: i'm so happy you're here. >> thank you. >> seth: and i want to apologize. i heard your flight got delayed last night. >> yes. >> seth: you got in very early this morning. >> yes. >> seth: are you on a late flight -- do you engage with people on an airplane? >> well, i often -- i don't say what i do. 'cause once i was on a very long flight where a woman went to a ptsd sort of stream of consciousness monologue about, "the worst experience i had was this comedian was bombing, and i had to sit through it. and we couldn't leave and it was so pnful.
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i will never go see stand-up comedy ever again." i told her what i did. so now i just say i'm a bookkeeper, which i am. [ laughter ] >> seth: okay. oh, you are also a bookkeeper? >> yes. >> seth: great. >> i do my own quickbooks, and i've been audited by the irs five times. [ laughter ] turns out they owed me 25 bucks, kablam. [ laughter ] but then, i very defensively asked this woman what she did for a living, and she explained that she was an employee of a little canadian corporation called cirque du soleil as a freaking clown! [ laughter ] now i, of course, had dated a clown before. [ laughter ] >> seth: you did? >> and i have sat through five performances of a clown as christ figure, crucified, clown christ, red rubber nose, audience armed with water balloons, asked to fling them at said clown christ while screaming, jew. if you wanna talk about the deep discomfort of the arts, dive in. [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah. >> you know? i wish i had paid that show, but i was on the guest list. >> seth: that seems like the last clown you'd want at a birthday party.
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>> yes. >> seth: now, you did not end up marrying the clown. >> no, no. >> seth: but you got married a year ago. >> yes, i did get married. >> seth: and it seems like one thing about people getting married is what you're going to wear, how you're going to dress. that seems, like, maybe an unfair burden that's on the bride. >> oh, so important. so important. >> seth: but you guys went -- i think that it's safe to say no one's ever dressed like this at their wedding. this you and your husband dressed like hot dogs. [ laughter ] this is an actual wedding photo. >> yes. yes. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: so, how did you come to hot dogs? >> well, you know. i'm an older bride. what is that, a specter from the attic? you know, it gets -- so people -- you know, i wanted to wear something that would be flattering on all body types. [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah. >> and yeah, i just wanted to do something fun. because when you get married that -- i'm 45. my friend, jack says, "it's like a spectacle. everybody comes, everybody's surprised that you're not dead." [ laughter ] and, so yeah, we just decided to mix it up.
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>> seth: that's great. >> because my mom had put, had been put in charge of the wedding, as sort of her graduation party. so we thought, "let's do something that's our own." >> seth: right. >> the rest of it was sort of her own fancy dress puppet show. >> seth: oh, this. >> yeah, yeah. >> seth: was she okay with the hot dogs? >> she did not know about the hot dogs. [ laughter ] >> seth: okay, good, good. that's probably for the best. now, your show, i want to talk about your show because it's so fantastic. it's on netflix, 12 episodes. it's like nothing i've ever seen before. and one of the -- it's sort of about your life, but it's a little not exactly. >> exaggerated, yes. >> seth: exaggerated. but there was a thing in one of the episodes where you get a bench outside your house because you think that would make more of a community oyour neighborhood. >> yes. >> seth: but you did actually do this. >> i did, i did. >> seth: so you just bought a bench and put it outside your home? >> you can buy anything online. [ laughter ] and i bought a very industrial-strength park bench, had it cemented, put it in there. and the interesting thing is,
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yeah, you think, "what is community? pr what reflects your community?" primarily, it reflects that we have a methamphetamine problem in my neighborhood. >> seth: oh, no. [ laughter ] and is that something -- is that community looking for benches? >> oh, they are. well, if you put out sidewalk chalk, you can get about a million eyeballs put on your front stoop. >> seth: so wait, you also put out chalk for people? >> oh, yeah, chalk, you know, a little library, put some books out there, you know. [ light laughter ] >> seth: and so the meth crowd would come, and they would take chalk, and draw thousands of eyeballs? >> oh, boy. a particular guy named "the wolf" who lives in the woods. [ laughter ] which are, it's hard to find in los angeles, the woods, but he found them. >> seth: yeah. >> yeah. there's a good mix, you know, just of my neighbors who are -- have homes. [ laughter ] and then, you know, children and college kids, that kind of thing. but the primary is, the people who will use it are people who, you know, want to have a couple of cigarette butts. >> seth: uh-uh. >> and half a cherry pie and
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leave it there. >> seth: okay, there you go. so this is a cautionary tale for those who have put a bench outside their home. >> well, you do attract community. >> seth: yeah, there you go. >> and that means everybody. >> seth: there you go. so we can't be that choosy about our communities. >> so, yeah. no, it's wonderful. yeah. it's a true picture. >> seth: you have dogs in real life, there are dogs on the show. >> yes. >> seth: are those dogs on the show your dogs? >> they are not. they were professionals. >> seth: did you try? did you offer your dogs? >> of course, i did. [ laughter ] i have three elderly, overweight pugs. [ laughter ] and nobody walks anymore. we have a red wagon. [ laughter ] but, i was like -- >> seth: they're orson welles of dogs. >> i was like, "these guys need to be represented." >> seth: yeah. >> "in the public." you know. but they went with, of course, the younger pug, you know. [ laughter ] >> seth: oh, no. >> the george clooney of pugs, who's cold and distant and can keep a mark. [ laughter ] can, you know. >> seth: stay in one place. >> and not pee on everything. >> seth: so have you been
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working with the george clooney of pugs, do you feel any -- do you have any chemistry? >> he was very distant from me, or shall i call "professional." [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah. >> yeah. actually, that's probably what it is. >> seth: right. right. >> he didn't look at me dreamily, which is what i had hoped. >> seth: well, seriously, congratulations. it's such a wonderful show. >> thank you. >> seth: i encourage everyone to see it. >> thanks for having me. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: maria bamford, everybody. for a full list of her upcoming tour dates, visit mariabamford.com. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ]
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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: my thanks to alicia vikander, andy cohen, maria bamford, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] matt cameron, 8g band. stay tuned for carson daly. we'll see you tomorrow! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪

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