tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC July 29, 2016 12:37am-1:38am PDT
use ] ♪ ♪ >> announcer: live from 30 rockefeller plaza, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight from weekend update, colin jost, michael che, and jessi klein, and ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: good evening, i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." live at 1:18 a.m. how is everybody doing this morning? [ cheers and applause ] just fantastic here. let's get to the news. tonight was the final night of
the democratic national convention. and hillary clinton finally gave her acceptance speech. let's just say she is not an amazing orator. when she finished she tried to drop the mike, bounced off her foot, and hit a laptop and released 10,000 more e-mails. morgan freeman narrated hillary clinton's introduction video at the dnc. and for some reason, hillary gave her speech as morgan freeman tonight. [ cheers and applause ] hillary clinton said tonight that donald trump has taken the republican party from ronald reagan's morning in america to midnight in america. which frankly is a little insulting to thoise of us that come on at 1:00 a.m. midnight is not terrible. thousand of people attended the final night of the democratic national convention tonight. everyone one of them was seated
at cnn's correspondent panel. let's get eight quick takes. donald trump told reporters yesterday that he doesn't know who vladamir putin is. he then paused and went, oh, you mean, vlad, yeah, of course i know vlad. former republican mayor of new york city, michael bloomberg spoke at the dnc last night. told the crowd hillary clinton understands this is not reality television. though if it were, she is not here to make friends! [ applause ] the democratic convention last night. hillary clinton joined president obama on stage after his speech where he advised her don't dance between now and november and you have got this thing locked up. vice president joe biden spoke at the convention last night. and walked out to the theme from the movie "rocky" those knowing joe biden i'm guessing that's
huh he e how he enters everywhere he goes. [ "rocky" theme plays ] >> yeah, let me get a filet of fish and diet coke. >> hillary clinton's runningmate, senator tim kaine spoke last night at the convention. i haven't speeen a white guy spk that much spanish since the time my dog spoke on the tv remote. he spoke so much spanish, trump started building a wall around him. [ applause ] you know, tonight -- was the final night of the democratic national convention. one of the best parts of the speeches is always the walk-on music. on monday, michelle obama walked out to sarah bareillis' "brave." so brave. so many others got their walk on music. we rectified that with walk-on music that should have been used. starting with tim kaine.
red line by lifting kim jung-un, on a list of people targeted with economic sanctions. also causing a red line, kim jung-un's cholesterol. we care about you. several high dollar hillary clinton donors have put out on a bunty on donald trump's yet to be released tax returns. replied donald trump, that's ridiculous. my ties are made in china. and they're the best ties. made by the best kids. that's right, clinton donors have put out a bounty on donald trump's tax returns because they may show ties to russia. i don't think that's why trump won't release his tax returns. here's what i think -- trump, i think you are not releasing your taxes because you don't have any money. i think you're broke.
i don't even think you have an accountant. i think you use turbotax. you're running for president because you want the power, or you want to make america great, i think you need the $400,000 a year salary. i think if you do win your first question will be, do i get that in a lump sum or installments? and your second question will be -- is the food free? i think when you got on your trump plane you have to fly coach because you sold the first-class seats to cover the gas. i think you talk to putin to say "i'll get you the money, i swear. give me until november." all you have to do to prove i'm wrong is release your taxes. but until you do, i am going to think you take off in a helicopter but then land 100 feet away and get in a 1994 nissan sentra. i don't think you decided to run to help the trump brand, you decided to run because melania, said, you need to get a job pal. maybe i'm wrong.
but that's what i think. and finally -- a georgia man recently took home $3 million in lottery winnings, pleaded guilty to using the money to invest in a crystal meth ring. he claims he used the money to buy scratchoff tickets until authorities told him that is your skin. ladies and gentlemen, a great show for you tonight. here, friend of mine, emmy nominate ford writing on "snl" talk to us about the dnc, colin jost and michael che are here. also, she is the head writer and executive producer of inside amy schumer, her first book, "you'll grow out of it," jessi klein is here tonight. but before we get to that. hillary clinton officially accepted the democratic nomination for president tonight. it came after a week in which democrats tried to overcome division within their party. and project themselves as party of normalcy.
it is time for "a closer look." the democratic convention has had hitches with vocal bernie or bust supporters, protesting and booing. and the former spokeswoman told us. you will hear from some fans and supporters on the stage as well as staunch advocates and supporters of secretary clinton. chris we, are family. this is a family reunion. >> it's true. just like a family reunion. they were there, mom, rich uncle didn't think would come. the step dad pulled a nickel out. you are 27. cool cousin. everyone is bummed has to leave early. no matter how much you fight. the thing everyone can agree on is no one likes your racist uncle. at first many progressives and supporters were skeptical when they trotted out a billionaire to speak. former new york mayor, and one time republican, michael bloomberg. when he took the stage it became clear. he was there for one reason. to unleash a series of
billionaire-on-billionaire trump burns. >> i built a business. i didn't start it with $1 million check from my father the he wants to run the nation like he is running his business. god help us. i am a new yorker. and i know a con when i see one. the richest thing about donald trump is his hypocrisy. >> nothing is going to get under trump's skin more than another billionaire questioning his wealth. and michael bloomberg is worth $47.5 billion. trump is worth $4.5 billion. basically bloomberg has enough money to buy donald trump and have money for another donald trump if the first one gets cranky. bloomberg, stark contrast to the down to earth working class demeanor of one of the democrats big guns, joe biden. deployed his scranton charm against trump. >> to state the obvious. not trying to be a wise guy. just for a second without booing or cheering. nobody doubts what i say. some times i say that all that i mean. this guy doesn't have a clue about the middle-class.
not a clue. he is trying to tell us he cares about the middle-class. give me a break. that's a bunch of malarcky. >> in the end though, biden had a simple message that he boiled everything down to. >> come on, we're americans! >> joe biden is like a high school shop teacher disappointed in you for skipping class. you can be something, kevin, come on! then tim kaine, america's assistant regional manager, used the campaign to bust out his trump impression. >> you might have noticed he has a way of saying the same two word every time he makes his biggest, hugest, promises. believe me. it's going to be great, believe me. we're going to build a wall and make mexico pay for tip. believe me. there is nothing suspicious in
my tax returns. believe me. look, look how happy kaine is. like a dad who told a joke to his daughter's friends. anyway. and made the guys at the office laugh. >> kaine's dry demeanor and dad jokes made you want start looking at your phone. which is what a young member of his family did? he deployed overseas to protect and defend the very -- >> you are my hero, buddy, just don't get caught. >> our siblings and their spouses. nieces, nephews. an hundreds of friends. >> oh. >> are you texting? and then the most powerful
speech of the night belonged to president obama who finally got to unleash some of the donald trump burns he has been holding on to for months. >> the donald is not really a plans guy. he is not really a tax guy either. i know plenty of business men and women who have achieved remarkable success without leaving a trail of lawsuits, unpaid worker and people feeling like they got cheats. does anyone really belief that a guy who spend his seven years on this earth, showing no regard for working people. is suddenly going to be your champion, your voice. see my grandparents they came from the heartland. their ancestors began settling there 200 years ago. i don't know if they have their birth certificates, but -- >> something tells me if trump loses, obama enjoys roasting him too much to just stop. he will probably going on the road and take his best material
with him. looking for ward to his netflix comedy special. [ cheers and applause ] obama's speech ended with hillary coming out to join him and beaming like someone given an ambush makeover on the "today" show. and tonight, hillary retook the stage to deliver the speech she has been practicing in the mirror the last 40 years. and much like the best speeches in her career, it was fine. look, hillary is not the most exciting speaker. the audience gave her the warmest reception. bill clinton was so excite heed looked like a 7-year-old seeing goofy at disneyland. it's really her, buddy, now close your mouth. you look like the last hole on a miniature golf course. of course, no one was more excited than bernie sanders. >> i want to thank bernie sanders.
i told you. i have a discount bus to catch. and framed herself as workman like and suspicious, framing donald trump as a loose cannon. >> it is just not right that donald trump can ignore his debts. and families can't refinance their debts. in atlantic city, 60 miles from here you will find contractors and small businesses who lost everything. because donald trump refuse to pay his bills. donald trump says, he wants to make america great again. well he could start by absolutely making things in america. again. >> you know, if hillary clinton talked for an hour she is going to give you one joke. >> now, you didn't hear any of this, did you, from donald trump and his convention? he spoke for 70-odd minutes. and i do mean odd.
>> and she nailed it! >> then, i got to say. that must be such a relief for who ever wrote the joke for her. because giving hillary a joke, is like giving a monkey a switchblade. it really goes great. unfortunately clinton's speech was marred by plagiarism. making it worse who she plagiarized. time for a closer look. a closer look. >> let's take a closer look. >> next thing you know. they're going to start giving her speeches from behind the desk. and she also said this. >> you know for the past year, many people made the mistake of laughing off donald trump's comments. >> it was not a miake. i have an hour to fill every night.
>> as she concluded. hillary made like every valedictorian, at every high school graduation this year and quoted hamilton. >> and those -- though we may not live to see the glory as the song from the musical "hamilton" goes, let us gladly join the fight. let our legacy be about planting seeds in a garden you never get to see. >> you know, when he saw that, he thought. i am really glad tie didn't go with an all white lady cast. and then the speech concluded like so many convention speeches do with adults having their minds blown by balloons. i am the candidate who will not be afraid to take on isis! oh! what's this plastic orb? >> when it was all said and done
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♪ ♪ >> seth: welcome back. gift up for the band right over there. [ cheers and applause ] wrapping up another week. and from sound garden, pearl jam, the great matt cameron. be sure to check out matt, and temple of the dogs, release their self titled album, september. followed by first ever tour which kicks off november 4th in philadelphia. thank you so much for being here, matt, such a pleasure. now, here at "late night" ever night i deliver a monologue, comprised of jokes, written by diverse team of writers. as a result a lot of jokes come across my desk, due to my being a straight, white male would be difficult for me to deliver. we don't think that should stin. we would look to share them in a segment called jokes seth can't
tell. these are two of our writers, amber, denney. >> i'll read the setup for the jokes. amber and jenny will read the punch lines. here goes. according to a new study, lesbians are more likely to drink more heavily than straight women. >> especially if the beer you are serving is busch. >> old dominion university hired their engineering department's first black dean. >> more impressive they hired their first white jamarcus. >> and recently held a special prom for gay and lesbian students. >> it was just like a regular prom, but no one got pregnant.
♪ recent study found that african-american boys are less likely to get access to gifted programs than their white classmates. >> bigger -- though. >> you can't say that on tv. >> we're live! >> according to a new study, lesbian couples are five times more likely to barareak up than straight couples. >> it's hard on the lesbians, but harder on the cats. >> donald trump appointed omarosa. >> don't be reaching over here, said black people. >> super glad i didn't do that one. >> i don't like that one. >> thanks to the success of the film finding dory, ellen, is now the hollywood actress with the biggest draw at the box office.
>> coincidentally, box office is what lesbians call their vaginas. [ laughter ] >> 16-year-old from compton currently attempting to break the record for youngest african-american pilot to fly across the continental u.s. >> and he just got pulled over. >> having a lesbian sex dream doesn't mean they're gay. >> jenny, why are you talking? >> i don't have a punchline. if you have a lesbian dream. you gay. >> not true. i had a dream the other night where i held hand with kerry washington. >> yeah, you are a little gay. >> that explains a lot. >> am i a little gay? >> you are basically a woman.
>> oh, i'm sorry is that an insult? >> modern. >> no, i don't want to. no. i would getten ein a lot of tro. that's a bad idea. okay. >> the republican party has hired a 21-year-old african-american woman to help them court black voters. to help them court black male voters they hired a white woman with a fat -- >> i told you. >> [ cheers and applause ] >> we'll be right back with colin jost and michael che. ♪ ♪ i know, i know. just keep breathing, honey. [doctor] give meone big push, c'mon.
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conventions for the past two weeks. welcome back to the show. our very good friends, colin jost and michael che. ♪ ♪ >> i love it. >> what's up? >> summertime update anchors. >> we're here. >> now, you guys were both, in cleveland? >> yeah. >> seth: then philly. >> look you pause for a pause for cleveland. >> seth: did you, what was the difference between the two conventions? >> god, i thought the democratic was so much weirder. everybody thought cleveland would be crazy. but there were some crazy people. but it was ten people with like giant crosses and bull horns. like, okay, sure. democrat there were thousand all
democrats. >> seth: thousands of protesters. such a weird scene. >> cleveland was a lot scarier. >> seth: how so? >> there was a lot of cops. >> seth: more cops in cleveland? >> yeah, there was a lot of cops. >> seth: could you tell celebrity difference? >> scott bao was at one. yeah. >> there were more celebrities in philly protesting the democratic convention than there were at the republican convention speaking for it. like, rosario dawson. that would have been a good guest for the republicans. >> scott bao. >> yeah. >> seth: you watched tonight. did you notice anything in the speeches? >> i was very moved by hillary's. i thought it was, like i was touched by the video and seeing her story. i was also very excite ford chelsea. because she knew exactly what to bring up. >> seth: we have a clip. then you guys want to tell it.
here's what chelsea said, struck you as most important message. >> the big takeaway. >> dad, as all of you now know, liked "police academy." my mom and i love "pride & prejudice." >> what i love is that, bill clinton made a whole big deal about how this was a great moment with his daughter. like they shared this moment of watching all six "police academy" movies. and she revealed she didn't like "police academy." really would have preferred something else. if your choice is "pride & prejudice" you are not close to watching "politiciance academy." >> not jane austen. >> yeah, watched police academy as an adult? >> police academy. >> didn't laugh at the first one. all right, you have got to see two.
now that you are warmed up. now you are on the lock for police academy. >> bad babysitter. sat in front of the tv. just watch. i'll be in the back. >> seth: you also, you had both presidential candidates on the show this year. donald trump hosted. hillary clinton did a cameo. bernie was there. what did you learn from them? what was the difference between trump and hillary on set this year? >> trump -- very small difference. >> people got mad for having trump on the show. he is supposed to be on the comedy show. that's where he is supposed to be. that's where it makes sense on a sketch comedy show. let's laugh at the orange man. the best place. >> seth: he also, people talk
about him like he doesn't listen to a lot of people, he has his own, his own advice. and he literally had no people with him. like i have never seen. he would just walk into his dressing room ining room. he would be here alone. you would be like, is this right? shouldn't you have security. you walk in. did you see this thing, ben carson did, what an idiot? i dent thion't think i should hs much access to potential president. >> seth: different with hillary? >> hillary has a team. gives advice. >> seth: called advisers. >> trump's only adviser is the doorman. just walk down in the morning. jake, what do you think, i was thinking like, no muslims? mr. trump, whatever you say. >> hey. >> natural. >> and you guys, became enamored with marsha fudge. >> marsha fudge. >> just the name brings a smile to my face.
>> for nose who missed the significance of marsha fudge. took over for debbie wasserman schultz. >> debbie wasserman schultz is bernie sander's drag name. o >> really? >> tell me how you found that out. >> do you want to explain, describe her before we show? >> she is like the substitute teacher of an inner-city school. that is just too thrilled. >> found out an hour ago you are in charge of this now. >> and also, that her name is fudge. a. >> seth: let's take a look at marsha fudge. >> i want to hear the varying opinions here. i want to be respectful of you. and i want you to be respectful of me. >> uh-huh. >> now what page were we on in your textbook?
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♪ ♪ [ applause ] >> seth: all right, here with jost & che. you guys after each time, did two "weekend update" and sit down with chris matthews, host of "hardball." >> uncle chris. >> seth: uncle chris. i watched it. made me happy. chris matthews, peppered you guys with so many crazy questions in a very short period of time.
>> none related to any other, nothing was like, here is a follow-up. here is like talking about another industry. here is a quick highlight reel we cut together. >> you guys know certain numbers are funny and names are funny. you know how that works. i was just thinking, why chris christie is funny, what is it about him, he is fat, or what is it about him? >> really? >> i would love to hear that. >> you are so funny. funniest guy. funniest black guy. >> funniest black guy? >> what hotel? >> i want to know what you are doing. >> 2:15. >> i don't know if he is trying to get us laid or killed. >> both is possible. >> and, thank you. >> chris matthews. >> and, you have got, the update desk.
>> third chair. >> and smelled his coffee immediately after. wintergreen and rubbing alcohol. >> seth: you flew to cleveland on the same plane as chris christie. >> yes, on a united airline flight to cleveland. we both have so much power now. i got update team going out. got on the plane before he. texted me, chris christie is on the plane. so i was getting on the plane. the guy in the first row was even bigger than chris christie. so i was like, very funny. great joke. and then, three rows behind him was chris christie. and, i said hi. he said don't worry i am only going to cleveland for the rock 'n' roll hall of fame. that was nice. >> after you guys performed. you went, is it true that you want to the cnn grill. you hear a lot about the cnn grill. if you watch cnn. explain what the cnn grill is? >> the cnn grill is look they
took a chile's and made it into a cnn chile's. >> a worse chile's. >> politically themed chiles. >> if you have been in a chile's. one thing, eating your nachos, wish i could get a glimpse of wolf blitzer. >> we did see don king. >> boxing promoter? >> black wolf blitzer. >> if you flip his hair upside wn. basically, wolf blitzer. >> came up to che. could you not be in the back of the shot. you will distract. >> shooting. >> perk of being in the cnn grill, you see don lemon's back while you eat. which is great. they were like, you are in there, they're trying to get che out of the shot. we don't want to disrupt the shot. next to che is don king in a sparkling red white and blue
jacket. >> with ryne stonhinestones. >> it's don king. who wouldn't want to talk to the man who robbed mike tyson. >> there you go. >> uh-oh. >> you guys are all on his side. game of thrones, harry potter, don king. who knew? >> seth: i heard you came up with a way you want to introduce yourself. usually on nbc, and on these shows, msnbc, what was your introduction? >> our intro was going to be, welcome to weekend update. i am rachel maddow. >> and i'm black don lemon. they said no for some reason. >> turned you down. >> congratulations, snl, nominated for a writing emmy this year. very exciting. >> thank you. >> my favorite writers. thank you. >> thank you. >> i think i made the difference.
>> a lot of people say that. whennen you ta eyou talk to peo what they say. can't thank you enough for being here so late on a thursday night. fantastic to see you always. >> thank you. >> seth: we will be right back with jessi klein. >> thank you. ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] it's a golden opportunity, to discover what we learn on the track... doesn't stay on the track. it just finds more street-legal form. for a limited time get some of the best offers of the year on our complete line of f sport performance vehicles. at the lexus golden opportunity sales event. this is the pursuit of perfection. first you start with this. these guys. a place like shhh! no. found it! and definitely lipton ice tea. lots of it. a lipton meal is what you bring to it.
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>> this is -- you know, you wrote on snl, knew each other then. the first show where everybody on it, snl writers. done full snl. when it goes live, i look to surround myself with old snl people. >> old friendly faces. >> it is so late. >> later than snl. we would be at the party. >> we would already be at the party. like the booty call of late night shows. the whole show just texted me, you up? i was like, yeah, i'm up. >> seth: this is the booty call. you are the last guest. like the one, oh, i'm up. i'm up. >> you got to the js. i'm here. cool. >> seth: you did have a chance to watch the speech tonight? >> i did. >> seth: what are your thoughts? >> felt like a lot of balloons. so many balloons at the end. >> seth: feel like the people here in the studio didn't get to watch.
it was an insane amount of balloons. >> insane amount of balloons. first balloons, oh, fun, balloons. there were more balloons. i was look this is quite a few balloons. by the end, i was like is this isis? this is balloons -- >> seth: at what point does secret service move against the balloons. >> move against the balloons. a squad. >> seth: they're thinking what you are thinking. this is normal amount of balloons. at some pin the they think is this isis? and you have to be sure before you start shooting balloons. >> yeah, you want to ask questions first with balloons. the cutest part of it, when you go, when you watch it, tim kaine with the balloons. it was look he had never seen a balloon before. you have never seen a grown man more enchanted by a balloon. >> seth: first of all i have a big problem where everybody comes out. start pointing at people in the
audience. >> i know you. >> they all started doing it with the balloons. look. >> yes. yeah. t's like, if you are going to point at every balloon. we are going be here for hours. >> a billion balloons. >> they got bigger as they went on. you are like those are there mall balloons. someone was really overcompensating. it's look when you are throwing thanksgiving. you make that call, like i have better have, too much food rather than not enough. and some intern was like, too many balloons. too many balloons. >> don't want to be the intern whose head rolls. >> four balloons. >> four billion balloons. >> an historic night. >> first woman nominated by a major party for president. the balloons. congratulations on the balloons. first book. >> first book. >> long time television writer, long time stand-up did those things make it easy tire write a book or is a book just hard.
>> yes, both. a book is hard. i am a slow writer. stand-up, you are used to people giving you feedback how it is going. writing a book, you are just look this, typing, you are like, this could be the worst book. and then that goes on for three years. >> seth: three year process. >> two years of it was internet. just like on the internet just like cat memes. then a tight year of writing there. >> seth: i feel every book should come with a much larger book, the things i saw on the internet while i wrote this book. >> you can get that that kindle. >> seth: volumes. one thing, you used to work at the video store. i was a video store employee. >> you were? >> i was. want you to talk about what you had to do at the video store. i had a similar thing. little different. you had a job that maybe was. >> i worked, proud employee at a
video store called allen's alley, now, run by a lovely man, and i was a clerk. he wanted it to be a family video store. at the same time it was located in chelsea, new york city. so there was a lot of people who also wanted porn, he didn't want to come in and say the titles of the porn they wanted to see out loud. so work with me. this will take seven hours to explain. he had a process, there were pieces of paper, and a thing of golf pencils. if you wanted to rent porn, you had to write down, in the order of preference what porn titles you wanted. and then, 19-year-old me would read them, starting from the back, go get vhs cassettes, very old. then i would go and see if they were there, come back. we don't have this one. or this one. or this one. then they would start to write their way through other porn titles. they wanted. so basically there would be a paper trail of all of the porn you wanted. >> seth: i can't believe, the first three got turned down.
can't belief they couldn't write any porn. >> any porn. >> seth: please do not come out without a porn. >> yeah, yeah. and some, do you just want to kind of give you one we have laying around. anything. people have like a -- >> seth: congratulations, you had a baby. >> i had a baby. you had a baby too? >> seth: i had a baby. we have ashe. >> how are you? >> we are 13 months. >> seth: a fun time? >> very fun. and now it is like, also, cars. he loves cars. >> seth: that's great. he calls it car-car. which is very cute. >> seth: that is cute. when he grows up. he has got to stop that.
>> yeah. yeah. >> seth: you can't as an adult walk on the lot, i'm looking to buy a car-car. >> how much for this car-car? >> seth: you are going to get ripped off. >> absolutely, charge for a car-car. >> what is ashe into? >> not much. >> seth: he is not making any choices. putting baby sunglasses on him. >> of course. >> seth: the best, letting my wife have it. but the amount my wife, says he loves this. i said he doesn't. he doesn't love. and, but anyways. i want to say congratulations. congratulations on the book, the baby. and thank you for being here. good to see you. jessi klein, everybody, and "you'll grow out of it" is in stores now. we will be right back! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ]