tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC March 6, 2019 12:37am-1:38am PST
[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- james mcavoy, star of nbc's "the good place", actress d'arcy carden, comedian janelle james, featuring the 8g band with jason mcgerr. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: good evening, i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] fantastic to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. president trump misspelled the word "hamburgers" in a tweet
this morning. [ light laughter ] and sure, it's easy to make fun of trump for misspelling a word. so here it goes. [ laughter ] normally, i would wonder if you didn't know how to spell it, or if you just made a typo, but this one is so bad -- [ light laughter ] i think it's both. [ laughter ] i think you don't know how to spell it, and then you made a typo -- [ laughter ] off the wrong spelling in your head. [ light laughter ] i think you looked at that afterwards and thought, "oh, man, that's supposed to have two ds in it. [ laughter ] i'm so emblaranced." [ light laughter ] also, look at this part. of course you paid! [ laughter ] were you honestly considering asking clemson to go dutch? [ laughter ] "okay, let's see. 1,000 hamberders between 80 people. i brought the weird candle so probably owe a little less. [ laughter ] you know what? just venmo me. venmo me."
[ light laughter ] attorney general nominee william barr said today that it would be a crime for the president to offer someone a pardon in exchange for a promise not to incriminate him. and then rudy guiliani went on cnn to say, "crime isn't even illegal!" [ laughter ] according to a new poll, house speaker nancy pelosi's approval ratings rose 6% since the start of the new congress, and her eyebrows rose 8%. [ laughter ] president trump on twitter today continued to push for his proposed border wall saying, quote, "a big new caravan is heading up to our southern border from honduras." oh, my god, that means the only thing between us and them is the border patrol, i.c.e., a fence, mountains, a river, mexico and guatemala. [ laughter ] today was the tenth anniversary of the miracle on the hudson, when a u.s. airways jet -- [ cheers and applause ] yeah.
when a u.s. airways jet successfully made an emergency landing in the hudson river. not to be confused with the miracle on the east river where a man swam all the way across without dissolving. [ laughter ] a man in his 50s recently experienced so-called debilitating night blindness after accidentally taking an entire bottle of sexual dysfunction medicine. [ audience oohs ] which makes you wonder, what medicine did he mean to take an entire bottle of? [ light laughter ] that's right. he has debilitating night blindness from taking sexual dysfunction medicine. luckily, now he's got an excellent walking stick. [ laughter ] yeah. [ applause ] so glad eight of you peer pressured the rest into applauding. [ laughter ] irish fast food chain supermacs won a case against mcdonald's today which will prevent
mcdonald's from using a trademark on the big mac. because in ireland, one out of every three people is named "big mac." [ laughter ] and finally, a painting believed to be the lost work of renaissance artist michelangelo has reportedly gone missing from a church in belgium. police don't have -- police don't have a motive, but they do have a suspect. [ laughter and applause ] we have a great show for you tonight, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] he is starring in "glass," which opens this weekend in theaters everywhere. james mcavoy, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] so happy he's back. you can see her as janet on "the good place" right here on nbc. d'arcy carden is joining us! [ cheers and applause ] and we will have standup from a very funny comedian whose album "black and mild" is available now on itunes. janelle james is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] now, whenever donald trump holds a press conference, his rambling nonsensical answers raise more
questions than the answers. so we decided to hold another one right here, right now. that's right, donald trump and the "late night" press corps are here in our studio and ready to go. so without further ado, it's time for the "late night" white house press conference. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: mr. president. mr. president, yes. mr. president, yes, over here. thank you. seth meyers, "late night with seth meyers." president trump, you've been president for two years now. how is the country doing? >> a dangerous, horrible disaster. [ laughter ] >> seth: and years from now when we look back, how will people describe the 2016 election? >> an incredibly -- i will say wrong decision. [ laughter ] >> seth: tell me something that you just learned today. >> this magnificent structure right behind you, it's called the white house. [ laughter ]
>> seth: i have a question about your proposed border wall. first, it was made out of concrete. then it was steel slats. and now it's, uh, what? >> the wall is peanuts. [ laughter ] >> seth: where do your hands go when you talk? >> up and down, left and right. [ laughter ] east and west. >> seth: what would you say if the russian army invaded our country? >> welcome to the united states. [ laughter ] >> seth: i heard you really enjoyed the holidays. why was that? >> i was here, my family was in florida. [ laughter ] >> seth: what is your message to the meth cooks that sneak all of their drugs across the border? >> make your product in the united states. [ laughter ] >> seth: do you like to watch pornography on your phone, and if so, do you do it a lot? >> that's the way i view it. i've probably done more in the first two years than any
president, any administration in the history of our country. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: i know. i know, we all know you to be a voracious reader. what's the first line of dickens' classic novel, "a tale of two cities"? >> it's a good deal. it was a horrible deal. [ laughter ] >> seth: i know you love being a dad. how many children do you have? >> nine or six or three or two. doesn't matter. [ laughter ] >> seth: all right. you're going to call a girl on the phone. what's your best pickup line? >> hi, it's president trump. what's going on? [ laughter ] >> seth: dude, what -- what is wrong with you? >> i could give you a list. it's pages long. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: what do you think people would say to you if they saw you walk out to the end of a pier? >> i think they would say,
"mr. president, keep going." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: now that he's gone, what do you really think of your former chief of staff john kelly? >> dick. [ audience oohs ] >> seth: what scores -- what scores have your three wives given you in the bedroom out of a possible 10? >> 1.6, 2.1, 2.5. >> seth: all right. [ laughter ] you're getting better. [ laughter ] what do you call your two adult sons? >> drips and drabs. [ laughter ] >> seth: be honest with us. how long have you gone without eating a vegetable? >> for years. 19 years. [ laughter ] >> seth: how much do you pay for your makeup? >> $2 a gallon. [ laughter ] >> seth: mr. president, i know you're happily married now. but you were known for being quite the romantic back in the day. walk me through what a perfect first date would be like with donald trump.
>> so what happens is some are paid up front. you make a deal up front. [ laughter ] and we're willing to do that in all cases. and when they're unwilling to make a deal, which also happens, then you go to court. [ laughter ] >> seth: you love rock and roll. name the members of the beatles. >> chuck and nancy and, uh -- stenny and dick. [ laughter ] >> seth: complete this famous lyric. ♪ it's fun to stay at the >> the usmca. [ laughter ] >> seth: what does melania say when you offer her your hand? >> i'm not holding that -- [ laughter ] >> seth: mr. president, russian colluder says what? >> what? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: we're almost out of time, so i'd like to finish with a question i always ask. mr. president, how's your penis? >> one of the great disasters of all time.
[ laughter ] >> seth: how is your penis? >> there's no inflation. >> seth: your penis? >> the worst thing in the world. >> seth: and that's all of the time we have. so on behalf of the rest of the "late night" press corps, have a good night. [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ so, you're open all day, that's what 24/7 means, sugar. kind of like how you get 24/7 access to licensed agents with geico. hmm? yeah, you just go online, or give them a call anytime. you don't say. yep. now what will it take to get 24/7 access to that lemon meringue pie? pie! pie's coming! that's what it takes, baby. geico®. great service from licensed agents, 24/7.
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>> seth: welcome back, everybody. as a candidate, donald trump repeatedly promised that rural america, which he dubbed trump country, would improve under his presidency. but is that really the case? this is "the check-in." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: throughout his presidency, trump has consistently claimed that now he's in charge, everyone, especially his supporters, are coming out on top. >> america now is winning again. some people are getting a little tired of winning. the people of missouri are going to go to your governor, and they're going to say, "governor, please, go see the president. we can't stand winning so much." we are going to keep on winning. we're going to win so much, you're going to get so tired of winning. [ cheers ] just so tired. >> seth: i'll give him credit for one thing. he doesn't overwhelm you with details. [ laughter ] also, i don't think he gets how winning works. you don't get tired of it. i've never heard a new england patriots fan burning his tom brady jersey and moving to
cleveland. [ laughter and applause ] "enough is enough, brady. i got january plans." [ laughter ] trump loves to say that, thanks to this presidency, farmers, coal miners and residents in red states are back. but in november, the "washington post" asked the question, "is trump country really better off under trump?" and their answer was no, it's falling further behind. and there's no better example of that than west virginia. you might remember that when trump visited west virginia in 2016, he made all kinds of impossible promises and even pretended to be a coal miner. >> i'll put it on, right? [ cheers and applause ] [ laughter ] >> seth: i've never seen someone so proud of his ability to put on and take off a hat. [ laughter ] he took off that hat like a dove was going to fly out of it. "ta-da." [ laughter ] also, whoever picked his hard hat size did not take into account trump's giant ego. [ laughter ] i know next to nothing about
coal mining, but i'm pretty sure that's not how you do it. [ light laughter ] unless i'm wrong, coal is generally not located under four to six inches of loose dirt on the surface. i think he's mistaking coal mining with clearing the driveway after a light snowstorm. [ light laughter ] but trump didn't just act like a coal miner, he also promised he would put coal miners back to work, and as president, he claimed he'd succeeded. >> it's really happening. we are back. the coal industry is back. we've ended the war on beautiful, clean coal. i will tell you, you will look back and you will say it was the single greatest vote you ever cast, and you are going to be very proud. and for those miners, get ready, because you're going to be working your asses off, all right? >> seth: so, there you go. trump says he's ended the war on coal and that coal miners would be working their asses off, but based on the actual facts, it sounds like they're asses are still firmly on. >> coal mines are closing faster than ever. >> a bleak outlook tonight on the coal industry. a brand new report from cnn suggests more coal plants have
closed during the first two years of the trump administration than the first four years of the obama administration. it's not because of regulations, but competition with cleaner, cheaper forms of energy. another 20 plants are expected to close this year. >> seth: in fairness, it isn't trump's fault that the mines are closing. it's just the march of time. it's the same reason it's hard to find work as an abacus operator. [ laughter ] and instead of facing the reality that coal plants are closing faster under his presidency than they did under obama's, trump keeps insulting coal miners, by insisting that they're incapable of doing anything other than dig for coal. >> remember i was here just before the election? and i brought a couple of guys into a room and i said, "fellas, supposing we teach you a new skill. supposing we teach you, like, how to make little widgets or gidgets or gadgets?" these are big, strong, coal miners. they said, "sir, we want to dig coal." i said, "i agree with you. i agree."
>> seth: well, maybe they would have answered differently if you had said, "we would like to train you to transition to another field of energy and development that's cleaner and safer with better long-term prospects," instead of -- "do you fellas want to make widgets and gidgets?" [ laughter ] [ applause ] also, "they" told you they didn't want to learn new skills? are you sure it just wasn't an assumption you made, like you did in an interview with "playboy" magazine back in 1990 when you proclaimed, "if i had been the son of a coal miner, i would have left the damn mines, but most people don't have the imagination, or whatever, to leave their mine. they don't have it. which is, it is an ability to become an entrepreneur, a great athlete, great writer. you're either born with it or you're not." and by it, he, of course, means a wealthy father who cheated on his taxes. [ laughter ] and don't take it from me. even experts on coal mining in states like pennsylvania and west virginia said that trump's lies are actually hurting the coal miners he claims to be saving. >> he's lying to them.
>> for 52 years, art sullivan worked in and consulted on mines around the world. and he bristles every time he hears the president claim to be the savior of coal. >> and that really disturbed me. because these are really good people. >> do you feel the president gave these communities false hope? >> in my opinion? absolutely. i mean, i'm an expert. he's not. >> if you spend several years working the coal mines. you're going to come to understand electricity. hydraulics, mechanics. i see no limitation on the average coal miner's ability to transition into any other field. >> seth: that's right. coal miners are qualified in electricity, hydraulics and mechanics. meanwhile, trump isn't even qualified to be the canary. [ laughter ] so, trump promised that cutting regulations on power plants would help bring back jobs in rural america. he also promised that cutting those regulations would not impact the quality of the air and water. >> we want a clean environment. we want a strong, beautiful,
clean environment. i want clean air, i want crystal-clean water. and we've got it. we've got the cleanest country in the planet right now. there's nobody cleaner than us. and it's getting better and better. >> seth: can we start by cleaning you off first? [ laughter ] you can't claim we're the cleanest country when the president looks like he just lost a challenge to eat the world's hottest jalapeno pepper. [ laughter ] "don't worry, my stomach can handle -- oh, i'm sweating right away." [ laughter ] so, there you go. coal mines might be closing faster under trump but at least they still have clean air to breathe and clean water to drink. right? >> the environmental protection agency is considering rolling back regulations on mercury. it's a neurotoxin that can lead to brain damage, learning disabilities, and other birth defects in children. >> the environmental protection agency announced the proposal today, saying that the cost of these regulations outweighs the health benefits. remind us again why we care about mercury getting into the
air? >> it's a powerful neurotoxin. there are also other hazardous air pollutants that are emitted along with mercury. >> seth: now, you might have expected trump to neglect the blue states that didn't vote for him. i wouldn't be surprised if he started dumping mercury over new york out of air force one. "don't breathe in, losers." [ laughter ] but this is trump country. these are people he promised to help. and if this keeps up, trump might need a shovel to dig himself out of this hole. this has been "the check-in." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ we'll be right back with james mcavoy, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ (vo) parents have a way of imagining the worst... ...especially when your easily distracted teenager has the car.
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over there. [ cheers and applause ] also, back with us tonight, he's the drummer from one of the most acclaimed rock bands in the last 20 years, death cab for cutie, who are currently on tour in support of their new album, "thank you for today." jason mcgerr, everybody! give it up for jason! [ cheers and applause ] thanks for being here. >> thank you. >> seth: our first guest tonight is a golden globe-nominated actor you know from "atonement" and the "x-man" franchise -- "x-men" franchise. he stars in m. night shyamalan's new film "glass," which is in theaters and imax friday. let's take a look. >> i know this seems very unfair to you. [ blows raspberry ] but you are stuck in this room. >> he's right there! you can't beat the beast! he don't think you can beat the beast, does he? huh? beast like -- he doesn't think he can beat the beast, does he? >> seth: please welcome back to the show, james mcavoy, everyone! [ cheers and applause ]
♪ ♪ >> seth: welcome back. >> do the guys keep playing until i sit down? >> seth: yeah, they would play forever. >> yeah. >> seth: yeah. >> play until the starve. >> seth: yeah. we had someone come once who never sat down. it was really rough. it was like a hostage situation. [ laughter ] so congratulations on the film. >> thank you. >> jimmy: that was just one of i believe 20 different personalities your character has in this film. so -- >> yeah, no, we had 23 in the original script and then in the editing process, night decided to cut three of them. i don't know why. >> seth: yeah. >> i was all for leave no personality behind. but -- [ laughter ] yeah, they ditched three of them. >> seth: i have to imagine, you can't approach this the way you approach other roles in terms of how you rehearse. >> err -- no. [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah. >> you know, typically in a movie, even if it's a big movie,
you get one week's rehearsal. so trying to rehearse 20 characters was onerous, you know? but actually, there was just a lot of rehearsing in the mirror. >> seth: yeah. >> which i have not done since i was about 21. but there was a lot of just kind of going like, "all right, that's how she looks. and, like, that's how he looks. and then he's like this." and it was kind of fun. i felt like a kid again a little bit. >> seth: i would also imagine on top of having to keep all those personalities straight, obviously this is an m. night movie. they're kind of famous for their twists and turns, where you also plot-wise have to keep a lot of things straight. were you just sort of in an utter confusion -- >> a little bit. >> seth: a cloud for the whole time, yeah? >> to be honest, yes. >> seth: yeah. >> i -- on the first movie, "split," he -- i got the script and i read it, i loved it and all that. and you know, ultimately, we revealed that it was linked to the world of "unbreakable" and bruce willis and samuel l. jackson and all that. i missed this completely. [ laughter ] yeah, and their movie that they made 19 years ago, "unbreakable." and so we're, like, two weeks
in, and i'm sitting there thinking, like, geez -- m. night shyamalan really talks about "unbreakable" a lot. you know? [ laughter ] and i'm like -- and i'm like -- no, dude. i'm not here going, like, "oh, i was in 'atonement.'" [ laughter ] you know, back on "narnia --" [ laughter ] i'm like -- and then one day he got really overt with it and it -- kind of the penny dropped. and i was like, "oh! i get it." [ laughter ] and i styled it out and i pretended that i knew all along. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] it turns out this is why it's very helpful when sequels are just the name of the first movie with a "2" after it. [ laughter ] >> oh, yeah, i know, yeah. exactly. >> seth: then you don't miss it. you get to work with two incredibly iconic co-stars in bruce willis and sam jackson. what was that like? >> you know, those gu -- i've worked with movie stars and people that are my contemporaries may be slightly older or slightly younger, and it's cool. you know, but working with those guys -- bruce was -- bruce was a movie star and a big tv star when i was a kid. i remember watching "moonlighting." >> seth: sure. >> with him and cybill shepherd. and i loved him in that. and he made me laugh, he excited me, he, like, terrified me. it was amazing.
and then sam, more in my teens, just watching him being so dexterous as an actor. he has been an example, like, for as long as i can remember even thinking about acting. getting to work with him was incredible. i remember we did this big scene. a big long pink room where we do, like, a community therapy session. and a chair there, we've got bruce, and then a chair there we've got sam, and a big long walk to my empty chair in the middle. and that's, like, weird -- and i'm walking down and i sit down and i'm like -- "all right, sam. all right, bruce." [ laughter ] and then he says -- and then the director says, "action." i'm like -- i says, you know, it's kind of -- >> seth: yeah. >> sort of pinch yourself moment, you know? >> seth: and you also got to do a fair amount of press with sam. did you learn anything about doing -- promoting a film from sam? >> i mean, i saw examples of what i might be able to do when i've got the balls that he's got. [ laughter ] but, you know, you've got to be -- that guy does not suffer fools, which is a positive quality. but he gets any kind of question
that is in any way not thought out properly. he just drops the "f" bomb. and he is like -- [ laughter ] "what are you talking about? what? what?" he calls them out so hard. and it's the funniest thing. i did an interview back in the u.k. with lorraine kelly, who is a brilliant host. but just didn't work out with sam and her. [ laughter ] i'm sitting the going -- and i've been on her show back home, like, many, many, many, many times. she's a lovely, lovely lady. and i'm sitting there going, like, "oh, no, this is going real bad. [ laughter ] this is going real --" and i can't get in between them because once he gets going, there is no stopping him. [ light laughter ] >> seth: yeah. i think that's so. yeah -- >> he's amazing. i love the guy. and i want -- you know, i hope when i'm his age -- i hope when i'm -- a year from now i'm like him. >> seth: yeah, it's really fun, too. again, earned confidence. but -- >> yeah. >> seth: a confidence must be a delight to go through life with. i also -- [ laughter ] i mean, for real. you shot in an abandoned hospital. that was your actual set. yes? >> yeah, they abandoned it because it was terrifying. >> seth: wow. [ laughter ] it was too scary to be a hospital.
>> it was too -- it was a mental hospital and it was making the patients be mental. [ laughter ] yeah, it was a pretty scary little joint. and it was freezing. and they turned the heating off. and we filmed it in i think november in pennsylvania, where it's freezing. and i'm running about with no shoes on and no top on. and i'm like, "night, why did you write this for me right now? i do like my nipples. [ laughter ] i don't really want to have them sewn back on by some incredible foreign surgeon i have to fly to and see. so, yeah, it was pretty gnarly. >> seth: i believe i first saw you in "band of brothers," which is a fantastic mini series. >> which of a lot of it is affectionately referred to as "band of badgers" who were in it. >> seth: oh, wow. you guys refer to yourself as "band of badgers?" >> sometimes on the show we'd referred to it as "band of badgers." for some reason, i don't know why. >> seth: gotcha. but the other amazing thing is obviously you were all playing americans, and there were so many -- i believe it's the first time i saw michael fassbender. is that -- >> yeah. tom hardy. >> seth: tom hardy. yeah. >> simon pegg. >> seth: and, oh, simon pegg.
wow. >> schwimmer. like i know him. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> you know. schwimbo. >> seth: we had seen schwimmer before here. [ light laughter ] >> yeah. might have seen him in a little show, it was called "compadres." [ laughter ] and -- >> seth: you guys called it "badgers." [ laughter ] >> we called it -- we just called it -- but, yeah, no. there was bit -- 10% of the cast, it seemed to me, i'm roughly evaluating, imdb can prove me wrong if they like, were american. and the rest were all people like myself playing smaller parts. so scottish, english, irish. a lot of australians. and -- but i didn't know this. and maybe i came in four months in and it had all been established. so anybody that had a good american accent i just assumed was american. so my good friend and, like, in latter years colleague, michael fassbender, had an incredible american accent. and for years i just thought he was that really nice american dude. [ laughter ] and then he pulls up beside me on his motorbike while i'm on my scooter --
he's always cooler. and -- [ laughter ] and at the traffic lights, like, years later and he's like, "yo, dude, mcavoy, it's fassbender," with his irish accent. and that was an irish accent, in case you were wondering. [ laughter ] it's like, "why is he welsh?" [ laughter ] and he's like -- i was like, "hey, man!" and to this day i think he was wondering why i was sort of slightly dazed. [ laughter ] i don't expect to be talked to when i'm on my scooter. >> seth: yeah. >> but -- clearly not by -- >> seth: that's a very private place, a scooter. [ laughter ] >> certainly not with the massive kind of shyamalan-esque twist that this american guy is actually irish. [ laughter ] >> seth: and one last thing. you're -- next week you're going to be hosting "snl." >> yes, i am. >> seth: very exciting. [ cheers and applause ] can't wait. >> yeah. thanks for making me feel less nervous about it. [ laughter ] i'm really nervous about it. yeah. >> seth: you do not have -- it wasn't really a show you had in scotland, right? >> we don't -- they don't transmit it. i've seen skits on youtube. >> seth: yeah. >> and things like that. but, no, we don't get it on british tv. we did have a "saturday live" version of it, which is a british version. it lasted a couple seasons and
then just died a death, i don't know why. but, no -- [ laughter ] yeah, i know. because british humor is not as good. [ laughter ] i don't mean that, british people. please don't -- >> seth: yeah. >> please don't be waiting for me when i get off the plane with a knife. because we don't have guns. [ laughter ] i know quite a few people who used to work on the show. i know bill hader quite well, and i've got a, like, deep skinny from him, so -- >> seth: all right. >> yeah. >> seth: well, i can't wait to see it. and congrats on the film. and it's always lovely to see you. >> thanks a lot. >> seth: give it up for james mcavoy, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] "glass" is in theaters and imax friday. we'll be right back with d'arcy carden. thank you, buddy. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ whether you bath in the bathtub, or bath in the sink,
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♪ ♪ new wok fired shrimp, another american chinese creation from panda express. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: our next guest is a very talented actress you know from such shows as "broad city" and "barry." she stars as janet in "the good place," which airs thursday nights here on nbc. let's take a look. >> we can't put the humans back in their own bodies, so i've done the next best, but not that great, thing. >> a high-neck sleeveless? i suppose this outfit will do. >> are you sure? i mean, wearing a floral print to an infinite void at this time of the nothing?
>> so where are we, exactly? we're not on earth, right? >> that's correct, chidi-janet. you're not. your real bodies dematerialized when you entered my void, and your essences reconstituted themselves in this form. >> cool, cool. and when you say void -- >> oh, i mean a sub-dimension outside of space and time at the nexus of consciousness and matter, tethered to my essence. does that help? >> it does not help. >> seth: please welcome back to the show, our friend, d'arcy carden, everyone! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> hi! >> seth: welcome back, d'arcy! >> i like being here. >> seth: good. i like having you here. did you -- i want to ask, did you like being at the golden globes? >> i did. >> seth: good, was it a fun night? >> it was super fun. it was my first globe -- >> seth: okay. >> -- s. >> seth: right, it was only a --
a singular. not even a plural yet. >> yeah, it was super fun and very surreal. and, you know, it's like all these celebrities, and you're just -- i just kind of wanted to be invisible and look at everybody. it was a moment where i was on the red carpet, and carol burnett was right behind me. >> seth: uh-huh. >> and i, like, couldn't breathe. and she was wait -- it was me, lucy liu, carol burnett. i'm name-dropping. i don't know these people. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> and carol was like waiting behind us. i shouldn't call her carol. ms. burnett. >> seth: yes. [ laughter ] >> and lucy liu and i were just like, "ms. burnett, right this way, right this way. please, please don't wait." and then lucy liu and i had like a cool moment. >> seth: oh, right. >> we are together on this. [ laughter ] >> seth: that she should go ahead of us. >> yeah, yeah. >> seth: i know it's been a busy year. did you at least get to slow down and relax on the holidays at all? >> yeah, i did. i had a great holiday. the problem with, like, a busy year is -- okay. i have a great husband. you know him. >> yes, he's a wonderful guy. >> he's so great. not just hot.
also nice. >> seth: yeah, really -- [ laughter ] but i do want to stress for the audience -- hot too. [ laughter ] >> he's so hot. he's so hot. but we hadn't talked about christmas presents at all. and it was one of those years where i was like, okay, we're too busy, we're not even going to deal with it. we're just -- we're just gonna -- whatever. whatever comes up, we'll just give each other something small. and on christmas, i opened -- [ giggling ] i opened a -- a diamond ring. this nice little -- you can get a close up, right? >> seth: beautiful, yep. >> you don't have to -- but it's a diamond ring. [ laughter ] and i had gotten him a $50 gift card to a comic book store. >> seth: wow. [ laughter ] wow. even -- a gift so bad you can't wrap it. >> no, no, no. [ laughter ] it was a paper envelope. it was so lame. >> seth: for those -- and everyone should, but those who don't watch the show -- from that clip, you -- there was an episode where you played all your cast mates. >> right. >> seth: you basically played four other costars on the show and took on their mannerisms and their voices. how -- i mean, did you have to -- did you know enough in
advance to prepare for it? >> i did know in ad -- i knew a couple of months in advance. but the thing is, like, i've known them for years now. and you could probably -- i mean, if you were asked, to, like, do an impression of -- i don't know. who's your friend? fred armisen? [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah, i could do a fred, yeah. >> yeah, you could do a fred. you did john mulaney the other night. >> seth: yeah. >> like, you just kind of have -- i watch the show. >> seth: thank you. >> yeah. [ laughter ] you just kind of like have it. but, but -- so i had two months to sort of, like, peep on my friends. >> seth: yeah. >> and just kind of like creepily watch them. and i honestly -- it might have been easier if i didn't know i had to do it. if mike schur, the creator, had just told me like, the week before, "by the way, you just have to like, do an impression of all these people." because i truly lost my mind in those months leading up to it. >> seth: yeah. and you would listen to an audiotape of them all? >> yes, yes. when we did the table read, instead of me reading all their parts, everybody read what would have been their own parts. and i voice recorded it, and then that was what i listened to for weeks, that's it. no music, no, like, conversation with friends. [ light laughter ]
i would just listen to it over and over. i would listen to it in my car. there was one day right before we started filming where i was listening to it, blasting it in my car, driving down sunset, l.a. ref. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] it's, uh -- a boulevard. >> boulevard. [ laughter ] look it up. and all of a sudden, i see one of my castmates, wiliam jackson harper, who plays chidi. and he's walking down the street, and i'm hearing his voice and i, like, think i'm losing it. [ laughter ] so i pull over and i rolled my window down and his voice is just like bellowing in my car. [ laughter ] and he was -- he went -- "oh, no!" [ laughter ] he's like, "you're going crazy!" [ light laughter ] >> seth: it's like someone who's very bad at kidnapping. who likes to hear the voice of their victim and pulls up beside them and is like, "want to join you?" [ laughter ] >> yes, totally. he was like, "goodbye." yeah, just slowly -- >> seth: also, an incredibly busy year, in that final season of "broad city" -- >> yes, can you believe it? >> seth: that's amazing. what a great run for that show. [ cheers and applause ] and i'm so excited, because for my money it was just one of the
best first years of a show i'd almost every seen -- "barry," with bill hader. you had year two of that. yeah. there he goes. there is bill right there. >> little billy. >> seth: that was him before he was a hit man. [ applause ] so are we going to enjoy both of those? >> yeah, you are. you are really -- yeah. last season of "broad city," so good. they just like poured everything into it. it's so funny and great. and it premiers i think next week. >> seth: that's really great. >> that's a fact i should know. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> i want to say it's the 23rd. check it out on google. >> seth: google it. >> yeah. and then, yeah, "barry" we just wrapped. it was so fun. i get to, like, spend time with bill and henry winkler and all the actors. it's just a -- it's a god damn dream come true. sorry. >> seth: well, you're very lucky. you are making a lot of dream come true shows right now. and you deserve it all and thanks so much for coming here. >> seth! >> seth: it's great to see you, d'arcy! >> thank you! [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: d'arcy carden, everybody. the season three finale of "the good place" airs thursday, january 24th here on nbc. we'll be right back with janelle james. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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click, call or visit a store today. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: our next guest is a very funny comedian whose album "black and mild" is available on itunes. you can see her this weekend at the jukebox comedy club in peoria, illinois. please welcome janelle james, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
>> ah! hello! [ cheers and applause ] happy to be here, january in new york. this is my favorite time of year. the holidays are over. you ain't got to talk to nobody any more. [ laughter ] you ain't got to go nowhere. you're not legally obligated to visit your family for another nine months. are we basking? [ laughter ] i'm basking. i love seclusion. [ light laughter ] but i feel like, if you're well-adjusted, it's your responsibility to check on your gloomy friends in january. you know that, right? like, people like me, you need a cheerful friend, they come over, open drapes and [ bleep ]. that's their favorite thing to do. [ laughter ] you know? "why are you sitting in the dark?" you know? that broad. i have a cheerful friend. i can only see her, like, twice a month or i'll kill her. but i need her. you know what i mean? i need her. i need her. she's always telling me i'm depressed. "you're depressed, you should go to therapy!" you know, she white. [ laughter ] and -- that's a joke.
black people go to therapy. we just started last year. it's brand-new. we in there. [ laughter ] with the healing and the cryin' and what not. we in there. [ applause ] i went to a couple sessions. i did. but it just made me feel like i was paying a lot of money to tell this lady, like, "look, you going to need to mind your damn business. okay? [ laughter ] you can't be asking me all these personal questions." [ laughter ] you know? it's just, i can't do it. i can't do it. but my one and only resolution this year was to be more outwardly cheerful and nice, you know? because people like those people, i've been observing. [ laughter ] people like the -- "top of the morning!" you know? sociopaths, but uh --. [ laughter ] i don't trust it. i don't trust the -- what do they always say about cheerful people? y'all say it with me -- "i would not have thought that he would have all those bodies in his basement." [ laughter ] isn't that what they always say? about your -- every time on the news, that's what they always say. it's some woman on the news, neighbor at the bottom. "not scott! [ light laughter ] he's so nice!" you know, every time, you know? "we'd had barbecues. he'd always bring the meat. wait a minute."
[ laughter ] but i got to do something. last year i went a little crazy, little meaning a lot, you know? and you know how sometimes netflix will say something like -- "are you still there?" [ laughter ] i swear to god last winter my netflix said, "you aight?" [ laughter ] a-i-g-h-t. you know? and the alexa was like, "she been watching 'law & order' for, like, 37 hours. [ laughter ] like, should we call somebody?" you know? because alexa's a snitch. [ laughter ] we all know it. that's her whole job. we keep buyin' her. she's a snitch, you know? and last year -- this is how you know the world is falling apart. because this story came and went. last year they said alexa had a computer bug that's making it laugh in the middle of the night by its -- no! what? [ laughter ] that's my worst nightmare. i'm such a coward. like, i've just recently, well into my 30s, been able to fall asleep with my leg hanging off the bed a little bit. [ laughter ]
for the monsters, you know? [ light laughter ] that's how you know you're grown when you do it on purpose like, "i wish you would eat me. [ laughter ] you don't pay no rent in here." you know what i mean? [ laughter ] that's how you know you made it. but i don't want y'all to think i'm some sad sack, you know what i mean? i get happy sometimes. you know what i mean? i remember the last time i was happy. but what i really believe is if black people project that we're too happy, you know, bad things happen. you know? not just for us. for everybody, you know what i mean? the last time i remember being really happy was when obama was in the white house and there was about 100 black people swag surfing in the white house. now, i can tell that y'all don't know what swag surfing is. [ laughter ] so, it is a dance. it's very celebratory, you know what i mean? it's out here -- and i wasn't even there, but i remember watching it, like, "oh, my god! like, look at us! we're in there!" you know what i mean? we're so happy, you know? now, look what happened. [ laughter ]
should have kept it tight, you know? you've got to keep it -- [ laughter ] you've got to keep it tight. that's me 2019 right here. [ laughter ] happy new year. thank you guys for having me. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: janelle james, everybody! her episode of "the comedy lineup" is currently streaming on netflix. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ]