tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC August 23, 2019 11:34pm-12:37am PDT
here's a good way to close the week. the newest member of the san jose sharks learned a new trick today, how to swim. that's fin, the new four legged friend for the sharks. fin is a yellow lab and a guide dog in training. he even got a brand new sharks vest to help him with his swimming lessons. >> he's doing such a good job. >> with a fin on the back. >> that's a great shot. thanks for joining us and have a great weekend. [ cheers and applause ♪ >> steve: welcome to "the tonight show!" and here's your host, jimmy fallon ♪ [ cheers and applause
>> jimmy: thank you very much. wow! thank you very much, everybody [ cheers and applause thank you very much, everybody give it up for the roots right there, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause please have a seat welcome, welcome, welcome to the tonight show everybody guys, it is the weekend and this sunday is the indianapolis 500. so between memorial day travel and the indy 500, it's a great time for people who love being stuck in the car [ laughter and applause that's right, it's memorial day weekend. and i read that veterans and service members can get discounts at outback steakhouse [ light laughter ] cause nothing says thank you for putting your life on the line like 10% off a bloomin' onion. [ laughter and applause this isn't good. the department of agriculture just recalled over 60,000 pounds of raw beef, due to concerns about e-coli anyway, enjoy those memorial day bbq's, everybody
[ laughter and applause have a great one let's get to some news here. today, president trump left for a state visit to japan, then next week, he's also - [ audience member applauds ] [ laughter ] >> steve: all right, bloomin' onion. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: president trump left for a state visit to japan and then next week he's also traveling to the u.k trump's nervous. he was like, "first i have to learn japanese, now i have to learn english? [ laughter and applause who is making my schedule? [ cheers and applause meanwhile, the race for 2020 is underway and i saw that walmart invited bernie sanders to its annual shareholders meeting this is very nice. walmart told bernie, if he doesn't win, they're going to hire him as a greeter. [ laughter and applause "welcome to walmart! my name is bernie! here's some sports news. i heard that the nfl might start allowing players to smoke marijuana. [ audience ohs ] in response, nfl players were like, "cool, we can't wait to try weed for the very first time." [ laughter and applause
get this, officials in the u.k say -- [ baby crying oh guys, you hear that it's the news. it's been so worked up lately, that it must be still awake. if it's cool with you guys, i'd just like to take a moment to put the news to bed. it's time for "goodnight news. [ cheers and applause ♪ good night news good night new good night ♪ >> jimmy: let's see if we can put this news to bed [ light laughter ] ♪ good night, 23 democrats now in the race like so and so, that other guy and, of course, what's his face [ laughter and applause good night indy 500. i've never been so impressed, with someone who's job is to keep turning left. [ laughter and applause good night senior prom, stick your head out the window now put it back in and throw up in the limo. [ laughter and applause
good night "game of thrones," we have a new king he goes by the name of sir poland spring. [ laughter and applause good night billionaire paying off an entire class's student debt or as last year's class put it, "oh, man, what the f?" [ laughter and applause good night "bachelorette," the fun televised game wish i knew who to root for, but they all look the same [ laughter and applause and finally, good night "aladdin." you were granted three wishes, and now that you're rich, it's a whole new world bitches. [ cheers and applause good night news. [ cheers and applause ♪ good night news good night new good night ♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: hey, guys, it's
graduation season, and that means people are shopping for that perfect card for their graduate and while there are some great cards there are also some very unpopular ones that you should avoid. i'll show you what i mean. for instance, this first card says, "good luck." open it up, it says, "paying your own cell phone bill." [ laughter and applause graduation card. >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: this card says, "congrats grad, you just made your 68-year-old dad carry an ikea couch down five flights of stairs." [ laughter and applause and finally, this card says, "remember if at first you don't succeed, there's always running for president. there you guys have it [ cheers and applause finally, guys, it's time for "a show of hands. this is where we show what politicians are really doing with their hands while we think that they're focused on giving speeches enjoy. [ cheers and applause ♪ >> i also believed that it's turned out to be an asset that i come from a different generation i maybe don't look the part, in terms of having quite as many silver hairs as you would expect a presidential candidate to have. >> but at the same time, it
says if that if you are a lower income senior citizen -- [ laughter ] you will not be able to get the one nutritious meal a day you now receive through the meals on wheels program for the help you desperately need >> my grandfather finnegan said, he used to say, joey, you're labor from belt buckles and shoe sole. that's how he was raised [ laughter ] and there's no labor leaders done a better job. >> and mike, we're in there working hard, right? and we're getting it done. like very few have gotten it done before. [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause we're doing really well as a a country. >> jimmy: did you guys see this yesterday at a white house event, president trump tried to say the word inconvenient. but he had a little trouble saying it. just check this out. >> and then respectfully said, sorry to inconvenesh -- inconvenience you, and left the room [ laughter and applause >> jimmy: incon -- anyways, we notice trump has trouble pronouncing things all the time so with that in mind, it's time to play, "talk like trump. here we go [ cheers and applause
♪ talk like trump talk like trump ♪ >> jimmy: so here's how this works. i'm going to see if anyone can guess how the president is going to mispronounce a simple word if you get it right, you get a a prize. if you get it wrong, you still get a prize. [ light laughter ] all right, raise your hand if you want to play "talk like trump. [ cheers and applause right in the front right in the front, right here stand up, buddy. hey, how you doing >> i'm good, how are you >> jimmy: good you almost held it, but all right. [ light laughter ] no, go for it. yeah, it's you, all you. what's your name >> my name's kyle. >> jimmy: kyle, where are you from >> i'm from new jersey >> jimmy: yeah, that's what i'm talking about. [ cheers and applause welcome. we love new jersey, thank you, buddy. >> i love it too >> jimmy: in this first clip, president trump is going to say the word nascar. >> okay. >> jimmy: how is he going to mispronounce nascar? >> all right, i'm just going to say mascar [ light laughter ] mascar >> jimmy: mascar >> mascar. >> jimmy: mascar >> mascar. [ light laughter ] is he going to say mascar? let's see what he said >> at the end of his championship race, joey celebrated by placing little hudson inside of the very nascare --
[ laughter ] >> jimmy: nascare. [ buzzer ] [ fog horn ] [ applause ] very close nascare. there's your nascare t-shirt thank you so much for playing. [ cheers and applause very close who wants to play "talk like trump? yeah, hey. get up hi >> hi. >> jimmy: what's your name >> rachel. >> jimmy: rachel, where are you from >> georgia >> jimmy: rachel from georgia, welcome. our next clip is very simple trump tries to say the word factory. okay how do you think he'll mispronounce factory >> fa-fa-factry. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: factry >> factry. >> jimmy: fa-fa-fa-factry. all right, it's almost like a max headroom, southern max headroom a fa-fa-fa-factry. [ laughter ] let's see if trump says fa-fa-factry >> people take 10, 15, 20 years to get this approved through a a fractory they go in for a - [ buzzer ] >> jimmy: very close fractory well, here's your t-shirt anyways. thank you for playing. [ cheers and applause appreciate it. somebody up here hey, bud how you doing? let's see, here. hold that. what's your name, where are you from
>> i'm gary and i'm from new jersey as well >> jimmy: gosh, big new jersey in the crowd i love it. [ cheers and applause i love jersey. in our final clip, trump tries to say natural gas how do you think he'll mispronounce natural gas >> nurture girls nurture girls. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wow! nurture girls. by the way, that's the band we have booked for next week. we have nurture girls. [ laughter ] they haven't gotten together in years. let's see what he says will he say nurture girls? >> this quarter, the united states produced record amounts of oil and national gah. i will tell you. [ buzzer ] >> jimmy: he said national gah he said national gah there your national gah t-shirt. [ fog horn ] [ cheers and applause >> thank you, jimmy. >> jimmy: thank you very much for playing. national gah that was "talk like trump. thanks to all of our players we'll be right back with more of "the tonight show." [ cheers and applause ♪ wireless is full of "awards".
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♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: good afternoon, and welcome to "legends. i am paulo montenegro, proprietor of this 2,000 acre estate, and owner of the hundreds of well-behaved zoo animals that roam here amongst my butlers, chefs, and tennis court ball boys. [ laughter ] but my many fortunes and accomplishments amount to nothing more than the stench of a wandering drifter when compared to this man this man, who is a gift to the human race so please join me in welcoming my guest, my dear friend, and a true legend -- mr. armando gabrielle gabriellm. [ cheers and applause ♪ >> jimmy: oh, gabrielle. armando. >> hey [ laughter ] >> jimmy: armando. it's so good to see you. >> yes, please the good to see you is all mine >> jimmy: i offer you my finest woven pool chair >> i graciously accept your cushion masterpiece. [ laughter ] ah
>> jimmy: ah >> ha ha ha. >> jimmy: but first, let me get this off my chest. >> what? >> jimmy: i am so deeply unworthy of sitting inches away from a legend such as yourself >> no. no, my friend. you are the legend come on. >> jimmy: but how could i possibly be the legend when the person who befalls my underserving gaze is the true legend >> listen to me one time only. the only way you could be looking at the legend is if i were holding up a mirror so you could see your own reflection. [ laughter ] yeah, there you go >> jimmy: put that away. >> ah, come on ha ha ha ha. >> jimmy: however magnificent your mirror's design and craftsmanship may be, one of the two people here -- one of them is a legend, and the other is me. >> no no [ laughter ] the legend is you. okay you've conquered empires you tame beasts. you swam across the atlantic ocean using nothing but a yacht. you are the legend [ laughter ] >> jimmy: but you once crawled through the desert for eight straight years, arrived in
las vegas, and won $600 at the jerry maguire slot machine, which you spent on front row seats to "criss angel mindfreak. [ laughter ] you are the legend >> all right i hear you you have taught babies to grow and roosters to crow you have jet skied with a dolphin with his flippers holding your muffin top all the way to club latitude [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i hold not even the most scented of candles to your generosity you donated your testicles to the smithsonian and refused to sign for the package when they sent them back [ laughter ] >> ah, this is true. but you won 1,500 tickets at chuck e. cheese. but instead of spending it on a dartboard, you gave your tickets to a little boy. and that boy grew up to be a a man. and that man's name is george stephanopoulos. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you once slipped a a note under your neighbor's door asking them to keep it down, but were able to straddle
the line between passive aggressive and straight up rude, so they still like you [ laughter ] >> you once took a shower on an airplane and you were not in first class and there was no shower [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i must toast to a legend >> i have no choice but to do the same >> jimmy: sergio [ claps [ laughter and applause >> please. mr. montenegro mr. gabriellemente i beg you to take the wine from this tray, for in your presence i am but a smudge of sweat on the ball sack of an elderly tennis instructor -- [ laughter ] -- as he unwinds in the sauna of the fort lauderdale marriott harbor beach resort and spa. [ laughter ]
his sack, as we know, is asymmetrical and i must tell you, i reside on the droopier half when standing in the midst of such legends! >> jimmy: sergio sergio dial it down maybe 18 to 20% >> yes, i shall give you 19! [ cheers and applause >> both: a toast to the legend jinx [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you are the legend when you rent a car, you figure out where the windshield wipers are on the first try [ laughter ] >> you eat coal and poop diamonds >> jimmy: you eat skittles and poop rainbows. [ laughter ] >> you eat raisins and poop grapes >> jimmy: you eat poop and poop food, then you eat that food and poop poop. [ laughter ]
you are a legend >> i am not a legend it is not i. >> jimmy: you are the legend >> it is you you are the legend ah >> jimmy: well, my producer mark is giving me the wrap it up signal, so i am ashamed to say -- >> all right >> jimmy: -- we must wrap it up >> yes >> jimmy: but not before i sing >> say goodbye >> jimmy: -- the song of the legend >> yes ♪ ♪ you are a legen and i do not deserve to sing with you ♪ ♪ no you are the legend and i should be spanke for even being near you ♪ ♪ legen legend legend legend ♪ ♪ legen legend legend legend♪ ♪e [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: see you next week on "legends." ♪ [ cheers and applause ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: our first guest stars in "the secret life of pets 2," which opens in theaters june 7th please welcome, the one and only, dana carvey. [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: dana, no >> i told maria that i would not get goofy. >> jimmy: dana, no >> you get me goofy. >> jimmy: dana, we have to get -- >> oh, my god, i just want to
let go of that sketch. >> jimmy: we just have to let -- [ light laughter ] we have to - we have to get goofy >> we have to get goofy. >> jimmy: we have to get - [ speaking fake foreign language ] >> jimmy: you come on, you get goofy on me. [ speaking fake foreign language ] >> ad lib? [ speaking fake foreign language ] >> i'm doing a recap of the last sketch. [ laughter ] -- to people tuning in >> jimmy: that you for doing "legends" with two legends, dana carvey and robert smigel. >> that was the silliest thing i've ever done [ laughter ] that was the craziest i've ever done >> jimmy: i'll tell you what made me laugh, i was so psyched to see you, i saw you at the oscars with mike meyers. >> i know, isn't that cool >> jimmy: were you nervous at all? >> i was i didn't -- if -- i said, look if i'm going to the academy awards, it's been 27 years, so i would be like a a hundred the next time i'd be invited. so i got a tuxedo that was many of thousands of dollars. i said, i just want to look like clooney they kept going, "really?" "yep, clooney. and then i got the bill, i go, "oh, that's a clooney. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: did you have good seats? >> i was in the third row center
freakily i was right behind mike, and i was right there seeing bradley cooper singing with gaga it was really a trip because i had such a viewpoint i saw bradley really get set on the stool. and he starts his first line - ♪ how you doing girl you know and he hits it pretty good [ light laughter ] i know, i can sing what can i tell you? [ laughter ] so then they go around the piano and i had such a bird-eye view of their whole relationship because they're going -- ♪ in the shallo yeah yeah yeah ♪ and like her hand is on the piano key and i didn't know where her other hand was but i had a view and i ain't saying nothing to nobody. [ laughter ] it stays here. [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: but when you're up there with mike and it works, do you ever think to yourself, "oh, we could probably do a third 'wayne's world'? >> um, okay. [ cheers and applause i don't know how it would work i mean, they'd be a little
older now. it might be kind of pathetic "hey wayne, pull over, i gotta get some flomax. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i would love that. >> i mean, i -- the funniest time i ever did garth was i did a movie with anthony hopkins my -- and -- >> jimmy: wow. >> he was a great impressionist, so we would entertain the crew and he would do hannibal lecter and i would do garth so he'd go, "i can smell the lambs, garth." and i'd go, "get away from me, big scary man. [ laughter ] and i'd run away i'd do that. >> jimmy: that would be fun, i would love to see that >> my new toy is jeff bridges. did you see him at the golden globes? he is my favorite. >> jimmy: he's unbelievable. >> he's so authentic he's up there going, "we're live, man, we're live. [ light laughter ] and he's like, in his movies, his acting is so brilliant, but it always feels like he ate way too much and his belt is way too tight, if you notice like, "i'm not really ready to shoot right now, i just had a, you know, self serve yogurt, i put down the sno-caps, the gummi bears and reese's pieces, and little mini kit-kat bar. [ laughter ] and i won't be ready for -- i'm about to give birth. i'm not going to be ready for
about a half hour. >> jimmy: self serve yogurt. >> we're live, man let's get our giddy up on. but he -- i love his acting. >> jimmy: i miss your impressions. i want to see more of them do you see these democrats running for president and go, "i can do that person" >> well, yeah, i mean, i -- you know, you keep your powder dry because we don't know who's going to be there in two months >> jimmy: what do you think of, like, pete buttigieg >> he's like the opposite of trump. i figure, america always goes opposite because it went, w., a guy talking like, heh, heh, heh. and then we went to obama, like this -- a very different sound a guy like that. then we went to ba-ga-ba-ga. [ laughter and applause so, we go for weird -- ba-ga-ba-okay-okay okay. okay okay okay okay okay this is the sound of trump ba-ga-okay-okay-ha-ba-ha-okay. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i've never heard an impression like that in my lifetime [ applause ] >> it's an impression. ha-ba-ga that's what it's like.
>> jimmy: okay, okay >> excuse me, a minute, many people are saying -- excuse me, many people are saying excuse me. crazy, crazy, crazy, crooked, stupid, evil, stupid, crooked, crazy, crazy, stupid, stupid, evil, evil, crooked, crooked ♪ [ clapping ] [ cheers ] we got to get looser >> jimmy: yes, we got to get looser >> we got to get looser. >> jimmy: we got to get looser unbelievable >> mayor pete is -- yeah, i just thought -- i thought if it wasn't mayor pete, it would be a new guy is going to come out president brian. just the opposite of trump "hi, my name is brian. [ light laughter ] i won't make any sudden moves or talk very loudly. i'm a virgin [ laughter ] let's do tai chi just breathe with me." and trump is in his penthouse, ba-ga-ga but we go the opposite that's right, jimmy. i don't know who's going to come out of this whole thing who do you do?
i do bernie, but he's like 85. i do bernie as a crosswalk guard, like, with kids "don't proceed don't proceed! [ laughter ] the system's rigged. don't proceed. [ laughter and applause don't proceed. the system's rigged. don't you do him what do you do with him? >> jimmy: i don't do anything like you do. but you do the old character in "the secret life of pets." >> yeah, the grumpy old man. "well, i don't like things now, the way they used to be. >> jimmy: yeah >> "in my day, we didn't have flame retardant sleep wear if you went to bed smoking, you woke up engulfed in flames whoopity-do. i'm on fire and i love it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. >> that was a genesis from lionel barrymore, through "saturday night live." the grumpy old man and then into pops, who's kid of the grumpy dog with a heart of gold. >> jimmy: yeah, with the -- we love him he has the wheels. >> super cute, he's got wheels for hind legs. >> jimmy: i love him everyone does. but he was a big hit in "secret
life" one, and now they brought him back in two. and you're equally funny, if not better, in this one. >> it was funny, i -- yeah he's a very fun character to do the movie's -- we've got harrison ford in there i mean, that is really cool. >> jimmy: i mean, come on. he's just such a trip. >> he's just such a -- he's alive, man since i kind of have a bit of a cold - [ english accent ] i've noticed that doing michael caine is a lot easier. 'cause he's got a lot of nasal and i've got nasal, so this is the show you do. and the people come in and you do the sketch and then you do it a second time after they heard the bloody jokes [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, my god [ applause ] come on. >> what are you doing? >> jimmy: ba-ga-ba >> look, whatever your politics are, it was funny. when there were fires in california, the whole state was on fire. trump comes out. i guess they got him in a room and told him about land management the whole state's on fire. and trump comes out and goes,
"you got to rake the leaves. [ laughter ] you got to rake the leaves." and trump can work a word. >> jimmy: you got to rake. >> and he repeats, "rake the leaves, you got to rake the leaves you got to rake. >> jimmy: everyone knows >> you know, the leaves. >> jimmy: you got to rake the leaves >> leaves, like you couldn't believe. leaves, many people have said, leaves [ laughter ] excuse me, excuse me >> jimmy: many people have said this - >> leaves, like you've never seen >> jimmy: leaves need to be raked. >> leaves. you got to have leaves you need leaves. >> jimmy: i like -- he smiles too, really like - [ laughter ] >> you know what's interesting, is biden - [ laughter ] >> jimmy: like, "hit me, i dare you. [ laughter ] you got to rake the leaves >> he has a breathing thing, too. you got to rake the leaves [ sniffling you got to rake the leaves [ sniffling you got to rake the leaves i don't know what he's doing >> jimmy: now you turn into a scarface [ talking over each other
what are you doing -- antonio, i'm telling you, you gotta rake-a the leaves. you gotta rake-a the leaves. you gotta rake-a the laves put a leave right there. you gotta rake the leaves! [ laughter ] >> my favorite is tony montana at thanksgiving dinner [ as tony montana "pass the sweet potatoes." [ laughter ] that's it. >> jimmy: i want to show a a clip >> watch the clip. why you got to throw a clip? >> jimmy: here's dana carvey as pops, the basset hound, in "the secret lives of pets 2." take a look at this. >> okay. hey, pops, what's -- okay, that's enough. what's going on? >> yeah, my owner got a new puppy. >> my name's tiny. >> nobody cares! i was teaching tiny how not to be anyone's sucker word got out, suddenly every puppy in the tri-state area is scratching at my door. >> oh, professor pops?
>> yes, pickles? >> i got to make a poop. >> oh. you know where to do that. find a shoe. [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: that's right >> he's evil >> jimmy: my favorite human being, dana carvey, everybody. [ cheers and applause "the secret life of pets 2" opens june 7th we'll be right back with emily ratajkowski. stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause ♪ people know aflac. aflac! but not when to use it. do i use aflac when the kids get slime in the plumbing? no. that's home owner's insurance. slime in my motorcycle. no. that's motorcycle insurance. slime everywhere? ughhh nooo, there's no insurance for that. do they help when i have bills health insurance doesn't cover? yeah! that's it! aflac! gross guys. get help with expenses health insurance doesn't cover. get to know us at aflac.com
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with the emmy award-winning x1 voice remote. show me the best of amy poehler, again. this time around... now that's simple, easy, awesome. experience the entertainment you love on x1. access netflix, prime video, youtube and more, all with the sound of your voice. click, call or visit a store today. ♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: welcome back to the show everybody monday is memorial day. and i want to say thank you to everyone who's ever served our country. thank you so much. [ cheers and applause we owe you a debt of gratitude and a shout out to my father-in-law who just passed away bill juvonen
he was a pilot in the marines, thank you so much. and we love you, buddy [ cheers and applause we're thinking about you hey, i want to say congratulations to our very own kirk douglas from the roots right there. [ cheers and applause his debut solo album "turbulent times" is out today. [ cheers and applause 100 watt heart look at this blue vinyl. 100 watt harp. can i play a little bit of "kamala? what is the story behind this solo >> the album >> jimmy: yeah. >> kirk: i had a lot of songs i was thinking about at home. and i just wanted to document what was inside of me and share it with whoever was interested >> jimmy: what is "come alive. you want to play a little bit of that? >> yeah, i'll play it. >> jimmy: i mean, you could probably play it, you're there, right? [ laughter ] let me play it i'll do all the work here's - [ light laughter ] why would you play it? it's not like you're holding a a guitar or anything
[ laughter ] oh, my gosh. all right, here we go, this is "come alive. this is you. here you go. ♪ >> jimmy: kirk, i love that. thank you, buddy [ cheers and applause i feel like i probably inspired a lot of these songs >> kirk: quite possibly. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: i don't think i'm getting a cut on any of these jams [ light laughter ] talk to my agent again but mark is on this record >> kirk: yeah, mark plays base >> jimmy: hey mark, you're on the cover here you think you'd smile. [ laughter ] never. why would you smile when you you --i mean, come on. can we zoom in can you see mark's face? [ laughter ] he used to smile all the time. you have a lot to be thankful for and happy for. you have twins on the way, i
mean, life is great. [ cheers and applause 100 watt heart, turbulent times, congratulations, kirk douglas, we love you, buddy. he's one of the best [ cheers and applause best musicians i've ever heard in my entire life. i love you stick around, we'll be right back with emily ratajkowski, everybody. [ cheers and applause ♪ did you know you can save money by using dish soap to clean grease on more than dishes? using multiple cleaners on grease can be expensive, and sometimes ineffective. for better value, tackle grease with dawn ultra. dawn is for more than just dishes. it provides 3x more grease cleaning power per drop, which cuts through tough kitchen messes, pre-treats laundry stains, and even tackles grease build-up on car rims. tackle tough greasy messes around your home,
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[ cheers and applause ♪ >> jimmy: our next guest is a supermodel, entrepreneur, and actress who you can see in the new movie "lying and stealing," which is on directv june 13th and in theaters july 12th. and i heard that she's a proud owner of a brand new puppy everyone, please welcome emily ratajkowski, everybody [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: oh, you brought him out here >> so i kind of cheated. i brought the puppy. >> jimmy: oh, no, you didn't cheat at all >> 'cause it's really all i want to talk about >> jimmy: no >> it's become my whole life >> jimmy: you're not cheating at all now what - >> say hi, you're doing so good
[ audience aws ] you're doing so good >> jimmy: now, what's this little puppy's name? >> his name is columbo >> jimmy: hi, columbo. >> he's a total mutt but you can see from his paws he's going to be a very big boy. >> jimmy: oh, he is. >> so i think one day i may have to bring him back and -- you know, when he's a full grown man. say hi [ audience aws ] oh that's a big deal. >> jimmy: i got a kiss from columbo. >> oh, my god. wow, i'm so glad he didn't do something else [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, he's such a good little flirt >> yeah, he's really good. >> jimmy: do people freak out when you carry him around? >> people -- it's changed my life my whole perception of new york is different because people are coming up to me and they're like, "hi, can i get a picture? and i'm like, "yeah, sure. and then they're like, "of your dog. [ laughter ] obviously. >> jimmy: getting over you >> of course, yeah so, i've been loving it. i feel like -- >> jimmy: have you been wanting a dog for a while? >> yeah. and i guess -- it felt like a big step you know, i wanted to take care of this little boy and it's been absolutely a joy i sing to him -- >> jimmy: you do >> all the time. my favorite track is beyonce's "baby boy.
♪ you stay on my mind when he gets on the floor, when he's on his back it's "maniac. basically a whole play list. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: how old is he now? >> he's nine weeks >> jimmy: nine weeks old >> yeah. >> jimmy: he's a baby puppy. >> he's doing so good. he's not even nervous. >> jimmy: and he's going to grow up to be how big, do you think? >> 60 pounds >> jimmy: oh, wow. >> yeah. >> jimmy: columbo, you got to come back on the show when you're - >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah >> what do you think >> jimmy: you know your name, don't you? >> i mean, i'm -- we're trying potty training, the whole thing. >> jimmy: look at this, are you kidding me >> i know. >> jimmy: isn't he the cutest? >> it's really -- it's just kind of -- oh, my gosh [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he's that cute oh, my gosh. >> oh, i love it >> jimmy: emily, last time i saw you was at the met gala. >> yes >> jimmy: i just want to quickly say, you were stunning that night - >> oh, thanks, jimmy >> jimmy: as you always are. >> thank you >> jimmy: man, oh, man i mean that's like -- it's a a big deal when you go to that show and everyone's decked to the nines. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you were just -- i mean - >> i have to tell you i really -- actually, i really appreciated you coming up to me and letting me know that you loved my look. because, you know, you get ready for these things, you have, like, two minutes to look in the mirror. and then you came to me and were so genuinely excited and
were like, "you really nailed it." and i took that with me and walked through the rest of the night like that. >> jimmy: oh, really >> so thanks >> jimmy: oh, please, pal. >> yeah. >> jimmy: are you kidding me every -- you couldn't see all the people behind after you passed them. everyone was like -- [ gasping [ laughter ] "oh, my gosh she's stunning." >> it's nerve-wracking >> jimmy: it is. >> you walk into this amazing museum and there's this big wall of flowers. and there's like, every celebrity you've ever dreamed of meeting or not meeting. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, you see everybody. >> no, but, and everyone looks amazing. and you're just kind of like, "i really hope i belon honestly." so - >> jimmy: you beyond belong there. but i mean -- and everything's going great. >> yes >> jimmy: your swimwear line - >> yes >> jimmy: is now also doing lingerie >> yes, and ready-to-wear. >> jimmy: the name of your line is -- remind me. >> inamorata >> jimmy: inamorata. >> yeah, and actually the last time we were here, we talked about cher >> jimmy: you did. >> because cher is such a huge influence for the line but obviously, she was the whole inspiration for my met look >> jimmy: but she showed up at the met gala >> are you okay? yeah >> jimmy: did you know that? >> okay, so there was people talking about it and i was like, "if she shows up, i'm really in luck this will be a good night for me in camp and the whole theme.
and she was amazing. she's 70 years old >> jimmy: she was unbelievably amazing. >> i was -- yeah, i really enjoyed her performance. it was great >> jimmy: she was phenomenal >> yeah. >> jimmy: let's talk about your acting side of your -- >> yeah. >> jimmy: all your work that you're doing "lying and stealing. >> dog owner >> jimmy: yeah, exactly. the list goes on >> yeah, "lying and stealing" with theo james. it's a story of sort of a heisty type guy. and i play a little bit of a a female conman -- >> jimmy: yeah >> who lies about her name and we kind of pair up to take on the bad guys. it's fun >> jimmy: it's super fun i want to show everyone a clip here's emily ratajkowski in the new movie "lying and stealing. take a look at this. >> will you be my fake boyfriend or not >> sure. see if we can spy on him >> okay. >> is that him, 6:00 >> how did you do that >> i don't know. it just seems like him >> yeah.
but there are a lot of candidates here. >> only three italian ones that guy, and he's not creepy. he's almost dead that guy through there, and that seems pretty obvious. >> what about that guy >> that guy's jewish >> how do you know that? okay, that's very impressive >> bingo >> here comes your boy >> okay, he thinks i'm half italian. >> speak italian >> sure, not really. ah, giovanni >> bella [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: bella, bella, ciao emily ratajkowski, everybody "lying and stealing" is on directv june 13th and in theaters july 12th bye, columbo it's a pleasure meeting you. we'll be right back with standup from chloe hilliard. stick around, everybody. columbo, come back [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ my experience with usaa
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[ cheers and applause ♪ >> jimmy: our next guest can be seen at the las vegas comedy cellar next monday through sunday and her book "f your diet" is available now for presale. making her late night debut, everyone, please welcome very funny chloe hilliard [ cheers and applause ♪ >> thank you thank you. sit down sit down sit down thank you so much. i'm so excited to be here. i am 6'1." and i've been this height since i was 12 [ light laughter ] yes. first day of high school, i walked in to this, "shh, the teacher's here."
[ laughter ] the rude girl in the front raises his hand, "miss, ain't you our teacher? "no, i'm your classmate. what do you think this is '21 jump street?'" [ laughter elementary school was worse. because i was chunky yeah, when you're a fat kid growing up, you got to go the extra mile to make friends i was doing stuff like magic and taxes. [ laughter ] i'd be on the playground like, "abracadabra, it's an audit. let's play." [ laughter ] i did get bullied every once in a while. one day i came home from school traumatized. i'm crying in the mirror like, "this is it. i don't have any friends i'm going to run away. and my knees looked up at me like, "baby, we ain't running nowhere. [ laughter ] [ applause ] my guardian angel pops up, "chloe, you can't run away tomorrow is pizza day. yay! [ applause ]
"thank you pepperoni i'm staying. oh, come on, don't act like pizza day wasn't the best day of elementary school [ cheers and applause yeah, that cement block of dough, those two little -- paint brushes of tomato paste, the cheese, it never melted it it just stared at you like, "you're going to get cancer at 50 [ laughter ] this is not real cheese. i think about my childhood a a lot. because i'm not an adult my parents have been married for over 40 years. my mom was 19. my dad was 24 when they got married. meanwhile, i'm 38, single and i like to take pictures the of ugly babies in public. [ laughter ] oh, yeah, come on, you can't get mad at me for having pictures of your gremlin in my smartphone [ laughter ] yeah, oh, if you're not laughing, i probably got your relatives in my phone right now. [ laughter ] [ applause ] yeah i used to be a very mature adult, don't get me wrong. before i was a comedian, i was a journalist i did investigative reporting
for over a decade. and then i realized, people don't read [ laughter ] yes, so i found another dream. and now in the eyes of my parents, you know, it's a competition. my younger brother is 15 years younger. and he's killing it. so now my parents look at me like i'm the first pancake yeah, you ever go to make pancakes, it's been a long time the batter is extra lumpy. you're looking like it hopefully it'll work itself out. [ laughter ] you pour it in the pan the pan is way too hot it burns instantly it's not even round, it's oblong staring up at you like, "mom, dad, what are we going to do about this? you're like, "um, we're going to put you at the bottom of the stack. and hopefully in 38 years, somebody will want this messed up pancake." [ laughter ] oh, yeah, okay, fine all hope is not lost okay, my brother, he went to yale university. yes. but he majored in photography. [ laughter and applause at yale university
listen, y'all, it's time to warm this pancake up, okay oh, yeah, my parents are devastated they called me up, "chloe, can you please talk some sense into your brother?" "mom, dad, don't worry about it." i called him up at yale. "hey, chad, follow your dreams." [ laughter ] i'm not an adult now, listen, just because you have a life dream and it doesn't pan out, doesn't mean you throw your whole life away i thought i had my life figured out. when i was in my early 20s, me and my girlfriends would get together for brunch. we sit around the table, talk about our future "i'm going to get married. you're going to get married. you're going to get married. i'm going to have a baby you're going to have a baby. you're going to have a baby. i'm going to start a fashion line you're going to start a fashion line you're going to start a fashion line." [ laughter ] none of us knew how to settle. but now i'm almost 40. the conversation is much more realistic. i'm going to get a roommate. you're going to get a roommate you're going to get a roommate [ ughter ] i'm going to get a cat you're going to get a cat. you're going to get a cat.
i'm going to go to therapy you're going to therapy. [ laughter ] thank you, guys. my name is chloe thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ♪ >> jimmy: chloe hilliard for more visit chloehilliard.com. my thanks to dana carvey, emily ratajkowski, robert smigel. chloe hilliard, once again - [ cheers and applause and her brother. and the roots right there from philadelphia, pennsylvania [ chrs andpplause stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers. thank you for watching have a great weekend hope to see you next week. bye, bye, everybody. [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪
[ cheers and applause ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers. tonight -- jake tapper, star of "pose", actress mj rodriguez featuring the 8g band with nate smith ♪ [ cheers and applaus ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: good evening. i'm seth meyers. this is "late night. how is everybody doing tonight [ cheers and applause that is wonderful to hear. in that case, let's get to the news despite major wall street losses yesterday and global fears of a recession, president trump tweeted today, quote, "consumers