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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  August 24, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm MST

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>> stephen: good evening, or top story. yesterday donald trump announced he was softening his stand on immigration. for more, let's go to my colleague, anderson cooper. anderson. >> what? stephen, what-- what are you doing? i'm eating you for more information, anderson. >> yup, you can't do that. that's something only news anchors get to do. >> stephen: i thought anybody could do it. it looks fun. >> well, they can't. the news throw, it's not a toy. it's a sacred trust. >> stephen: i'm sorry. it won't happen again. to find out why it won't happen again, let's go t to anderson
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>> it's "the late show"" with stephen colbert. tonight, stephen welcomes anderson cooper. edgar ramirez. and musical guest cip moore. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: thank you very much. ( cheers and applause ) hey! >> jon: hey! >> stephen: good to see you. ( cheers )
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>> stephen: thanks, everybody. thanks so much, mark. what's going on? thanks so much. welcome to the show. please, sit down. thank you so much. welcome to the "late show." how is everybody doing tonight? you feeling all right? ( cheers and applause ) you sound good. you sound better than donald trump. trump has been having a tough time with one key demographic-- voters. especially, it turns out, african american voters. in fact, among african
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community someplace between country music and the milwaukee police department. ( laughter ) somewhere right in there. ( applause ) >> jon: you said it. >> stephen: that's what i hear. that's what i hear. but this past week, trump has tried pivoting his campaign to appeal to minorities. >> our government has totally failed our african american friends, our hispanic friends. poverty, rejection, horrible education. no housing, no homes, no ownership. >> stephen: yes! nothing, no one. you're totally marginalized. for instance, clearly, none of you could get into trump's rally. no one!
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but he didn't stop there. his brave message of words continued. >> to the african americans-- who i employ so many, so many people-- to the hispanics-- tremendous people-- what the hell do you have to lose? give me a chance. >> stephen: yes! yes! blacks, hispanics, what the hell do you have to lose? because you should really hide whatever becomes president. ( applause ) by the way, "what the hell do you have to lose? give me a chance," is also how trump proposed to all of his wives. come on, but! while minorities don't like him now, trump promises they will in the future. >> and at the end of four years, i guarantee you that i will
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>> stephen: yes! 95%. now, to put that into perspective, in 2012, barack obama got only 93% of the african american vote. obama would have done slightly better if instead of roll the dice." ( cheers and applause ) now, a lot of people are laughing at trump's 95% claim, especially his running mate. >> he says by 2020, he's going to have 95% of the african american support. (laughs) why are you laughing? >> well, that's donald trump. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's donald
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trump. he says crazy things: "black people will vote for me." "give me the nuclear launch codes." in other trump news, his campaign expenses are skyrocketing, because according to f.e.c. filings, trump was self-funding his campaign, he paid $35,000 a month for office space in trump tower. now that he's paying for it with someone else's money, that rent has gone up to almost $170,000 dollars. a 500% rent increase. man, the landlord at trump tower must be a real tool. ( cheers and applause ) that is-- that is-- it's nice-- still, it's nice to hear a story about trump actually paying
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sure, it's to donald trump, but paying your bills is like sex: you start with yourself. ( laughter ) that joke really seemed worth it in rehearsal. i'll tell you. meanwhile, scandals continue to swirl around hillary clinton. last night, i told you about something called "the clinton foundation," a humanitarian nonprofit the clintons founded years ago. according to a new report, when hillary was secretary of state, she had a whole bunch of meetings with people who weren't foreign government officials but had donated to their foundation. and now, donald trump is calling for an investigation. >> the amounts involved, the favors done, and the significant number of times it was done require an expedited investigation by a special prosecutor, immediately, immediately, immediately! >> stephen: yes, immediately, immediately, immediately!
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candyman. ( laughter ) ( applause ) immediately! immediately! immediately! donald trump demands an investigation into anyone-- anyone-- who got favors after donating to the foundation, especially this guy. >> well, i'll tell you what, with hillary clinton, i said, "be at my wedding," and she came to my wedding. you know why? she had no choice because i gave. i gave to a foundation that, frankly, that foundation is supposed to do good. >> stephen: that's right. donald trump paid the clinton foundation to get hillary to come to his wedding. though, at this point, i bet she won't be invited to the next three. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, the clintons say this has
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and besides, they've announced that if hillary wins, the foundation will stop taking foreign donations, and bill will step down from the board. so there you have it: they did nothing wrong, and they promise they'll never do it again! sounds like pretty damning stuff. evidently donating to the clinton foundation gets you a sit-down with hillary clinton. and i'd like to sit her meeting, i'm going to send her a letter and include a character reference from my good friend abraham lincoln. ( applause ) ( laughter ) now, let's all take a meeting with jon batiste and stay human,
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( cheers ) >> stephen: i got a little tickle in my throat tonight. i think i might be losing my voice tonight. you are a professional musician. you sing, what can i do to protect my throat. >> jon: honey put in your water, warm water, you put lemons in there, you drink it. >> stephen: can you hook a brother up? >> jon: i got you. >> stephen: see you at the commercial break. you know what, listen, tomorrow night, you know what i'm excited about? >> jon: what's that. >> stephen: tim kaine, vice presidential candidate tim kaine is going to be here tomorrow night. ( applause ) i'm not saying-- i'm not saying that we don't have a good show
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but tomorrow night will also be a great show. come again tomorrow night. ( applause ) he's going to sit over there. he's a mad man. we're going to do crazy stuff. we're going to do shots and belly flops off the ball coni. it will be incredible. stick around. and kaine is here at an appropriate time, and donald donald trump-- i need my honey loquat-- donald trump floating the conspiracy theory that the election might be rigged. and who knows, he could be right, because i heard that millions of americans are planning to use a secret and there are all kinds of conspiracy theories shaking up the alt-darknet, like hillary clinton's secret illness, which was proven last night by noted medical expert, karl rove's face. >> she has a concussion on the 13th of december-- falls down,
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until the 15th of december, two days later. we're told on the 25th that-- excuse me, actually got this written down. >> the white board, on the health! i've never seen it. >> we're told on the 28th of december that she is going to be back to the office next week. on the 30th she is hospitalized with a blood clot, but we are not told about it until the next day. >> two pages. >> on the 23rd of january, 2013, she shows up at the benghazi hearing wearing fresnel prism glasses that help people who have suffered a concussion or traumatic brain injury get their vision right. in fact, the next year her husband, bill clinton, says it was terrible. because she required six months of very serious work to get over. that's what he admitted a year later. >> stephen: oh, my god! hillary clinton's illness has spread to megyn kelly, causing her vertical blindness in one
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it has got to be true. karl rove wrote it on whiteboards. those are used only for the most serious matters, like conspiracy theories, fantasy football drafts, and drawing dongs in the breakroom. there are so many things the puppet masters of politics don't want us to know. and tonight, i'm going to shine a light on them in my new segment: "the late show presents: stephen colbert's tinfoil hat." ( cheers and applause ) as always, tinfoil hat is brought to you by reynolds wrap: keeping government radio signals out of your brain since 1999. welcome to the truth bunker,
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i actually don't know. let's begin. now, hillary clinton's supporters say secretary clinton is not ill. oh, really? then why is it right in her name ( cheers and applause ) okay, enough politics. that's what they want us to talk about. it's a distraction from the real question: how come only one type of dog is allowed to be fireman? do all other dogs love setting fires? is china genetically engineering super smart babies? how else can you explain the fact that by the time they're three, they can all speak
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i want you to consider the very real possibility that all jason bourne movies are the same movie, and they just erase our memories each time. how else could i do this ( cheers and applause ) and there's more. it has not escaped my notice that bowling balls and electrical outlets both have three holes, but for some reason, you're not supposed to put your fingers in one them. or your penis in either of them. what do they not want us to experience? and what is the hidden valley ranch hiding? is it alien food technology?
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let me just check my notes. let me just check my oh, yes, is it true that there's an elaborate network of government-funded highways connecting america's on-ramps? the so-called "new testament?" it's actually quite old. ( laughter ) and who really wrote the works of shakespeare? and who really wrote my term paper on the works of shakespeare? because i have proof it wasn't me. when i order the soup and half sandwich, who's eating the other half of my sandwich
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( laughter ) they say it's been on for 11 years, and yet i have no proof that it exists. now, as you can see, there's a lot of powerful people who don't want us to know things. but rest assured, you can always trust me, because i can't be bought by some faceless corporate entity. and now a word from our sponsors. we'll be right back with anderson cooper. ( cheers and applause ) ? ? ? ? ? the ford freedom sales event is on! our biggest event of the year just got better! ? ? announcing zero for seventy-two across the entire lineup of ford cars, trucks and suvs. plus, tagged vehicles now get a thousand smart bonus. that's freedom from interest...
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody.
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anchor and a "60 minutes" correspondent. for more, let's go to anderson cooper. ( cheers and applause ) ? ? ? >> stephen: welcome back. >> thanks! good to be here. >> stephen: welcome back. >> i was afraid you were going to give me one of those bro hugs you gave your band leader. i don't do w hug. >> stephen: really? >> i feel they're awkward. >> stephen: what's awkward about a bro hug? you touch shoulders with somebody. >> stephen: yes. >> on what planet is that at all satisfying? >> stephen: we'll do it right now. all right. you do this, and then you go like this. you don't slam. we're not fighting. >> that's what it seems -- >> it can be tender. it's really good to see you. it's really good to see you. you see?
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good show." you know, you know. i'm not afraid to hug a man fully. >> you're preaching to the choir, believe me. >> stephen: i'm good with it. i'm very secure with my man hug. >> all right. >> stephen: come on here and attack me on my show. how dare you! how dare you, anderson cooper! you know i'm a fan. you hurt me. >> we're dressed almost identically -- >> you have pinstripes. >> i'm the elvin version of you. >> stephen: you're the e version of me. now you have really hurt my feelings. >> i'm like the pale, white, elf. >> stephen: what am i, a hobbit. you seem immortal. you have slightly pointed ears, and you also keep your opinions to yourself, very often. >> like an elf. >> stephen: like an elf. they do not ask an elf for advice, because she shall say both yes and no. that's you.
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your show-- >> i like that you throw off elfish lore. did you ever play "dudgeons and dragons?" >> stephen: you played "d.d." i met gary gidex. we're going to alienate 99.9% of the people out there right now. >> but the shut inform ins at home are really excited. are going, "what?" i played "d.d." when it first came out you had one character? >> for a long time. >> stephen: what was your favorite character? >> actually, i have an elvin character. >> stephen: elvin or half-elvin. elvin feif. that's good. because elves have extra dexterity. you need that. >> i'm trying to resist pushing up my glasses while talking
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called a witch, and it was a woman. i had a female character-- don't you accuse me of being a bro. all right. okay. let's get back to your elfish nature, okay, because you manage to stand there, just about every night with this panel of yours. >> yeah. >> stephen: which goes, like, crazy, reasonable, crazy, reasonable, crazy, reasonable. and you don't let on to us, viewerses which ones you think are absolutely insane and which ones are reasonable. but admit now, just admit now, you think half of them are ( bleep ) crazy. >> not at all. i respect all their opinions. >> stephen: no, you don't. ( laughter ) you do not respect all their opinions. you respect that they have an opinion. >> yes. i like-- i like a person whose, you know, willing to have an actual conversation. it does drive me bananas when
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talking points, like a candidate surrogate who just sticks to talking points you. >> stephen: know caley mcamericany? yes. >> stephen: she earns her money. you cannot talk her off a talking point with a battering ram. >> she's very smart. she just graduated from harvard law school. >> stephen: am i supposed to be impressed by that? >> i don't know. >> stephen: she's very impressive. >> and the whole group is ganging up on her and she >> stephen: very impressive. why do you look so rested because you work harder than anybody i know. i mean, you-- >> news never takes a break. >> stephen: yeah, news never takes a break. ( applause ). >> stephen: could this have anything to do with it? >> yes, i built a house-- you know, i built a house in brazil, in a small little fishing village, so when i go somewhere for vacation, which i rarely do, so i actually just got back from
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niece and 97 gliewz did you go to the olympics? >> i did not. my town was way up in the north so it was too complicated. the nieces and 97 sues are four years old to 13 and they all wanted toatch the olympics. i don't have a tv in my house -- >> you don't have a tv? >> in brazil, you don't want to be sitting watching tv in your home. >> stephen: yes, you do. s>> so i got this tv installed for the kids to watch the olympics, what i didn't know, whatever tv i cable network or the satellite network it was, you would turn it on and on like channel 220, 222, 223 were olympic channels. the channels you turned it on were religious channels, evangelicals and preachers, and five channels down from the religious channels were four hard-core porn channels. and literally the kids were turning around, and i would be sitting there incredibly nervously, you know. and it was so creepy because
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pop up first before the actual visual popped up. and it would be ventura. >> i do not speak spanish. >> or po obare, igato orgasmo. >> stephen: uncle anderson, what are they doing? >> i would see that and know i had, lik >> but you do make it in time to say, "kids, that's called greco-roman wrestling." >> the other thing that is infuriating, i missed every major important event. like michael phelps was about to go on, and they showed the brazilian swimmer and as soon as he was eliminated, michael phelps would be walking out and they would cut away to a
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and they did well in some events, judo, floor gymnastics and obviously so. i missed every important event. >> stephen: we did very well. >> i watched it on the replays. >> stephen: we have to take a little break. you can stick around? we'll talk more about pornography. we'll be right back with
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. we're sitting here talking with my bro, anderson cooper. we're hugging it out. >> yeah, we're hugging it out. >> stephen: donald trump, his campaign, you had kellyanne conway, his new campaign manager on.
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manafort? >> i think one or two i. >> stephen: he was the previous campaign manager. >> and cory lewandowski. >> stephen: who now works at cnn. he works for you guys. does he still get any money from the trump people at the same time. >> i believe-- i read he gets a continuing severance from trump. >> stephen: so you all are paying him and trump is paying him but he's on your show doing analysis on a man he still gets cash from. >> pretty at it. yes. >> stephen: and you still respect his opinion, too? >> we have people from all the campaigns. we have campaign surrogates for hillary clinton on. >> stephen: what is a surrogate, by the way? i have heard that term a lot? >> it's somebody who represent the campaign. they're often paid by the campaign. they just eye don't know that, you know, katrina pearson, i think, is one of those people you see on cable news a lot. she is a surrogate for the trump campaign. there are a lot of surgats.
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so they have people out there speaking for them. >> stephen: now trump has done this pivot where he is now trying to appeal to minority voters, african americans, hispanics, softening his spans on whether they'll there will be forced deportations. you talkedded to conway. >> he says he's softening. he hasn't really spoken about any of the details. previously during the primaries he was saying, 11 million undocumented workers in this country, illegal immigrants, they all got to leave. >> stephen:on build the wall on your way out. ( laughter ). >> but now he seems to be shifting-- or the campaign person last night who would not say that all 11 million have to leave anymore, would not talk about a deportation force. so it does seem like they're in flux, but the exact details are i think t.b.d. >> stephen: there's a little bit, it seems like, "elect me. see what happens." >> there's a lot of that.
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christmas is election day. open me up. maybe i'm full toys. maybe i'm full of turdz. open me and find out. don't shake me." >> he is still saying he will build a wall and mexico will pay for it. >> stephen: i was a little worried. is he doing cnn anymore? >> no, he's not. he's only i think been doing interviews with fox news i think the last-- i read recently, like, the last 10 interviews he's done they've a interview he did was with george stephanopoulos on abc about the kahns, and that did not go so well for him. so he does a lot of hannity who certainly -- >> who is evidently advertising his campaign at the same time. >> i read that as well. certainly seems supportive of his efforts. you know, we'd love to have him. >> stephen: what would you want to ask him if you could? >> there are a million things. there are so many different things. every time-- you know, i think
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alleged outreach to african american voters is a really interesting thing. he's doing it in front of overwhelmingly white audiences. he's yet to go to an african american church. he was in detroit, flew there on the plane, did an event in front of largely white community and white audience, and then left. so i mean, i think there are opportunities for him to try to reach out in a more significant way and i think we're going to see that probably-- i mean, the campaign today was saying that may happen. >> stephen: how many debates are there supposed to be this time? >> three presidential debates, >> stephen: do they know who is moderating it? >> it hasn't been announced yet. nobody knows until the commission who does this, can which is a bipartisan commission, picks the moderator. they apparently call who they pick and so nobody knows who it's going to be. >> stephen: except that it's going to be hillary and trump, hopefully, because that would be very disappointing-- >> yes. in terms of moderators. >> stephen: how about pence and kaine? >> they will have one debate as well.
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presidential debate. >> stephen: that will be sponsored by no-doz hopefully. >> i think that will be -- >> kaine's a wild man. he plays harmonica. >> maybe tomorrow night. >> stephen: we'll do "camp town races." anderson thanks for being here. nice to see you. good luck. have fun down in-- ( applause ) >> stephen: "anderson cooper 360?" airs weeknights on cnn. anderson cooper, everyone. we'll be right back with edgar ramirez. at the the lincoln summer invitation sales event it's time to relax. from the moment you take your foot off the brake, the brake stays engaged and you stay put. taking the legwork out of stop and go traffic. and even hills. that's the more human side of engineering. hurry in for limited time offers during the final days of the lincoln summer invitation sales event.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest stars as boxing legend roberto duran in his new
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>> keep him on the ropes! >> two fighters at the top of their game. >> jab him! stay on him! >> get out of there! ( bell ringing ) >> stephen: please welcome edgar ramirez! ? ? ? ( applause ) >> stephen: don't let me stop you from dancing. >> not at all. >> stephen: go ahead, do it. if you want to do it.
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( cheers ) ? ? ? >> very nice. >> stephen: well, i'm afraid that's all we have time for. thank you very much. >> thank you so much. my first time on a broadway stage. >> stephen: really? >> yeah. >> stephen: welcome. >> thank you so my first time on a talk show. >> stephen: you didn't start off as an actor, did you? no, as a journalist. >> stephen: as a journalist. you were looking for the truth and decided to make up things instead ( laughter ). >> actually, i was looking for the truthiness. >> stephen: oh, the truthiness. well, you've come to the the right place. >> i'm a big fan. >> stephen: thank you very much. you're from venezuela, right? >> i'm from venezuela. >> stephen: how did you guys do in the olympics? >> we did great. we did great. we got three medals, one silver, two bronze.
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bronze medal. >> stephen: you are playing roberto duran-- ( applause ) sure. you're playing roberto duran in this new movie "hands of stone," and he has more knockouts than tyson, right, and more victories than ali. heist huge talent for those who don't remember duran. many remember him for the "no mass" fight. did you box before you did this role? >> no, no, never, first i never boxed. i mean, i was presented with the opportunity to portray this character, and i moved to panama for over a year to prepare. and i had the privilege to be trained pi by duran, so he was e one who trained me. >> stephen: in panama. >> in panama. >> stephen: he lives there now? >> he lives there now, has a happy life. he's quite a character. >> stephen: he's still sharp. >> he was never hit in the head. yeah, yeah. >> stephen: that's the best
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>> stephen: this is a vital organ up here. >> exactly. and it makes your mind very, very sharp. >> stephen: what to you mean it makes your mind very sharp? >> because you have to make many decisions very quickly in a very short period of time. when you're in the ring for three minutes, you have to make too many choices and it makes your mind sharper, like more accurate, faster. >> stephen: when you were training for this, did you get punched in the face? >> i was-- i got punched in the face, but not in the ring. i got exactly. not in the boxing scenes. >> stephen: it sounds like there's a story there. >> there are two stories, actually. ironically enough. >> got punched in the face by the women in the movie. ( laughter ) there's one scene where things-- objects are flying all over. and one just landed on my nose and cut it, and they had to stop shooting for five days. and then there was some other scene, where i'm-- you know, there are some women in the scene, and my wife finds me there. she's, of course, not happy.
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me in the head with her hand, but she was wearing this big ring, and it gave me the biggest bump that actually you will see a little bit in the film. so now, to continue this story, you will have to go and see it. >> stephen: growing up in venezuela and playing a panamanian, to someone like me who does not really have well versed in south american, central american culture, is there a difference in the accent between venezuela and panamanian. >> stephen: is there a way you can demonstrate difference? >> in spanish or english. >> stephen: how about in english. a panamanian-speaking english, versus a venezuelan speaking english. >> a venezuelan speaks blsh like me. >> stephen: speaks english like me. >> stephen: you're nailing it. >> it's self-explanatory. a panamanian would be-- they have very explosive "p"s and "b"s. there's a line in the scene,
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calling me fat? you're a parasite? do you have mirrors in your house? because you're getting fat, you're getting fat for the amount of food that you buy with the money i'm making you." so it's like very explosive. so fat and -- >> do you actually think i'm fat? ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> no, you're not fat. >> stephen: i'm working on it. i'm working on it. >> you're not. >> stephen: whatever. i can't believe you now. >> you're beautiful in all size s. >>ph edgar, congratulations. >> thank you so much. >> stephen: lovely to meet you. >> lovely to meet you. >> thank you for being here. let's hug it out. >> of course. >> stephen: "hands of stone" hits theaters on friday. edgar ramirez, everybody! we'll be right back with a performance by kip moore. ? ? ? ( applause ) try zyrtec? for powerful allergy relief.
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>> stephen: here performing "wild ones," please welcome kip moore! ( cheers and applause ) ? ? ?
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been waiting on the weekend ? to crawl out of the shadows with the ones your mama ? said run from the ones your daddy ? kept you from now we're all on the loose ? and we are ? here ? everybody raise your glass hey, hey ? pick it up and throw it back grab ahold of your honey ? and everybody get a little lovin' ? a little touchin' a little kissin' ? and a huggin' do a little lovin' ? touchin' a little kissin'
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'cause we don't need ? no sleep tonight everybody's bumpin' to the beat ? just right worry 'bout tomorrow when ? tomorrow comes tonight we're just worried about ? having fun 'cause we're the wild ones, ? ? ? we'ra ? and we don't care what nobody say ? 'cause we're the wildcats we're the fighters ? we're the midnight up all nighters ? so everybody raise your glass hey, hey ? pick it up and throw it back grab ahold of your honey ? and everybody get a little lovin'
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a little kissin' ? and a huggin' do a little lovin' ? touchin' a little kissin' ? and a huggin' 'cause we don't need ? no sleep tonight everybody's bumpin' ? to the beat just right we worry 'bout tomorrow when ? tomorrow comes tonight we're just worried ? about having fun 'cause we're the wild ones, ? yeah ? ? ? ? everybody get a little lovin' a little touchin' ? a little kissin' and a huggin' ? do a little lovin' touchin' ? a little kissin' and a huggin' ? 'cause we don't need no sleep tonight ? everybody's bumpin' to the beat just right ? we'll worry 'bout tomorrow when tomorrow comes
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about having fun ? 'cause we're the wild ones ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: his album, "wild ones" is out now! kip moore everybody!
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>> stephen: that's it for "the late show," everybody. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be hillary clinton's running mate, vice
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from "veep," tony hale, and musical guest car seat headrt. now stick around for james corden and his guests, john krasinski, jimmy butler, and adam pally. goodnight! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by


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