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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  August 29, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm MST

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yeah. chase. so you can. >> i tried to make a home out of you. >> i was the floor boards and the sheetrock. >> but doors lead to trap doors, >> i had to climb up the window just to get to work this morning. it's ridiculous. (cheers and applause) ?
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burning. something -- oh, my god! put me out! put me out, i'm on fire! eddy, quick! >> it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, stephen welcomes riz ahmed! pedro pascal and angel olsen. featuring jon batiste and "stay human." now from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, colbert! (cheers and applause) (band playing) captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: hey! thank you so much! welcome to "the late show," everybody! what's up, daddy-o? (cheers and applause) hey!
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live people. welcome to "the late show," everybody. welcome to "the late show." thanks so much. i'm your host, stephen colbert. i did get a haircut, thanks for noticing. y'all ready to get in a little e bit of trouble? (cheers and applause) don't know what that means, but i'm ready, too. august is a notoriously slow news month, and it can be hard for me to find stuff to talk about. fortunately, something popped (laughter) i just want to extend my thanks to him for rising to the occasion with this truly rock solid story -- boner. (laughter) ran out. i ran out. i ran out. today, there are new reports of
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disgraced former mayoral candidate. and this, just a couple weeks after weiner was caught sending out sexy messages describing his own physique as deceptively strong... like a mongoose. (laughter) though i will point out that mongooses are much better at wrangling an out-of-control snake. (laughter) that's the universal symbolor "mongoose." (laughter) and, of course, there are pictures. i'm not going to show them, so if you want to know what they look like, put a cucumber under a linen tablecloth, and then, invite everyone in the world over to see it. with this happening again, my heart goes out to weiner's wife and hillary clinton's right-hand woman huma abedin. you know what they say: fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me. fool me three times, dammit anthony!
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after the election! (laughter) and earlier today, ms. abedin released a statement, saying she and her husband will separate. (audience reacts) that's right, she's finally cutting off the weiner. (laughter) (piano riff) >> stephen: thank you very much. i have been waiting for years to make that joke. (laughter) in the statement, she says, "during this difficult time, i ask for respect for our privacy." this is so shocking. he was just on this show two -- three weeks ago. he didn't talk about his penis then, did he? >> eight years of remarkable growth. >> stephen: i stand corrected. (laughter) (applause) okay, thank you very much. here's what i don't get -- i don't think these women are
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is he doing it? has no one told him about the existence of porn? congressman wiener, it's everywhere! you can even get it on that phone you're currently holding next to your penis. maybe wiener likes the danger. he likes the danger of doing this. so, anthony, just look at porn while jumping off a cliff. you know who's got to be thrilled about the latest weiner scandal? 49ers quarterback colin kapernick, who, on friday, refused to stand for the national anthem. something interesting happened during a preseason game. (laughter) after the game, kapernick explained, "i am not going to stand up to show pride in a flag for a country that oppresses black people and people of color." wow. no matter how you feel about his actions, you have to admit that this took guts. i think football fans tend to be pretty patriotic. though, obviously, they all hate the patriots.
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of course, kapernick's getting some blowback from his fellow players-- new york giants lineman justin pugh tweeted, "i will be standing during the national anthem tonight," and called kapernick's protest "disrespectful." yes, that is the nature of protests. they must be respectful. "what do we want? racial justice. when do we want it? later, the game's on." (laughter) maybe halfat and folks on the internet are saying kapernick's protest isn't that important because he's a second-stringer. and they have a point. nobody paid attention to the "i have a dream speech" until m.l.k. won that slam-dunk contest. (laughter) now i would love to see that. he can do it. he can do it. he'd been to the mountaintop and he jumped off of it! (laughter)
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it's the story of barack and michelle obama's first date in chicago in 1989. now, if you haven't seen it, i won't tell you how it turns out. no spoilers. (laughter) the reviews have been pretty good. it's got a 92% on rotten tomatoes. it appeals to everyone. democrats like it because it's about obama. and republicans like it because it's about a time when obama wasn't president. (laughter) a presidential first date movie seems like a win f they should do this for all presidents. i'd love to see andrew and rachel jackson starring in "trail of smiles," (laughter) a movie about their first date, when they went to a hanging and both laughed at the same parts. or what about abraham and mary todd lincoln starring in "there's something about mary todd."
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course. the first title was "abraham lincoln's beard." (laughter) that's why they changed it. your reaction right now is why they changed it. and, of course, who wouldn't want to see franklin and eleanor roosevelt in, "f-d-r u up?" (laughter) which tells the romantic story of how they met at a family reunion. (laughter) look it up. lo (piano riff) look it up, then laugh at it. (laughter) all our jokes come with footnotes here. (laughter) of course the big news is last night, mtv held their annual video music awards, where they -- i believe they give an award to anyone who still makes music videos. last night featured many asses, from beyonce, to rihanna to nicki minaj to kanye.
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kanye unveiled his new video "fade" featuring singer and actor teyana taylor sweatily dancing around a gym. check that out. wow. i really hope she knows it's polite to wipe that equipment down before the next person uses it. (laughter) it's just polite. after four minutes of teyana dancing, it ends with the image of a naked teyana in prosthetic cat face surrounded by sheep. to see the whole video, you have to have a tidal subscription or eat peyote and fall asleep watching "thundercats." (laughter) (applause) but there was one glaring absence at last night's v.m.a.'s. taylor swift could not attend because she was in nashville serving jury duty. someone even tweeted photos of
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this is good for her to do, but it would have been so easy for her to get out of jury duty the same way i do. i just say, "i'm taylor swift," and they send me home. (laughter) now, say hello to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. ? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey! (cheers and applause) hello. you know, there's been a lot of talk of health on the campaign trail recently, with trump people saying that hillary clinton has a secret illness. and they may have a point. if she wasn't sick, why is she calling for universal healthcare? doesn't make any sense. of course, this opens up
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i mean, he's got the kind of glow you only get from being in top shape or after vacationing at chernobyl. (laughter) to prove how fit he is for the presidency, last december trump released his full health records-- which was a one-page letter from his physician. a note from his doctor should be enough-- it's how he got out of vietnam! (audience reacts) (applause) he had bone the doctor in question is gastroenterologist and trump's strategic hair reserve, dr. harold bornstein. "hello! hey! i'm your doctor, let's drop those trou's, i'm gonna poke around!" (laughter) bend over, here comes the
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choo-choo, choo-choo, choo-choo! (laughter) he looks like a guy who can not only write you a prescription for drugs, but tell you what they taste like. some people are concerned that his letter isn't enough to prove trump's health. after all, it begins,"to whom my concern." (laughter) my-be, my-be not. (laughter) and bornstein proved he's a gastroenterologist because the letter seems like he yanked it from where the sun don't shine. for example, his assertion that "mr. trump has had a recent complete medical examination that showed only positive results." (laughter) and positive results are always good! blood pressure? positive!
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chlamydia? positive! (laughter) some people thought the letter was written by trump himself, since it describes his health in terms like "extraordinary" and "astonishingly excellent" and, "if elected, mr. trump, i can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency." of course, healthiest ever! of course, that's only if he keeps taking his prescription of k.f.c. and taco bowls. (laughter) with so many questions about this letter, last week, nbc news tracked down dr. bornstein, who was in his manhattan office and not as his other job: playing the lute at a ren fest. (laughter) ? ? >> stephen: and would ye like a turkey leg? (laughter)
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was. >> i thought about it all day and, at the end, i get rushed and i get anxious when i get rushed. i had five minutes to sit at right this desk and write that letter while the driver waited. >> stephen: rushed, anxious, five minutes, driver waiting. you definitely want the candidate's physical to sound like losing your virginity on prom night. (laughter) honestly, he looks like a very questionable gandolf right now. (laughter) don't get in the van with gandolf, kids! (laughter) honestly, i have to wonder, is dr. bornstein is healthy enough to judge whether or not trump is healthy enough for the presidency? well, to answer that question, we have obtained an exclusive letter from trump's doctor's doctor. i have it right here.
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this post-it note, which reads: "to why it am concerned - dr. bornstein great healthy man. good at doctoring trump, best at medicine forever, signed, dr. realdoctor. gotta run, uber's here." (laughter) we'll be right back with riz ahmed. ? (cheers and applause) i'll have that goat cheese garden salad. sir, you give me that salad and i will pay for your movie and one snack box. can i keep the walnuts? sold. but i get to pick your movie. can i pick the genre? yes, but it has to be a comedy. a little cash back on the side. with the blue cash everyday card from american express, you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. throw. it's more than cash back.
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(cheers and applause) ? >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my first guest tonight is an english actor and rapper best known for his acclaimed role as nasir khan in hbo's "the night of." please welcome, riz ahmed.
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nice to have you. >> really good to be here. >> stephen: normally when we have somebody who's a part of a really hot show like yours, "the night of" -- which is amazing, it took over the slot for "game of thrones." >> it is. >> stephen: but scarier. we showed a clip. i'm hooked on the series and i haven't seen the finale so i insisted they show no clip so i wouldn't have spoilers. so keep in mind, i don't know how it ends. >> okay. >> stephen: yeah. o how are we going to talk about the show? >> stephen: in code. (laughter) let's talk at you. i'd rather talk about you first. a year ago, i didn't know your name. no offense. i didn't know who riz ahmed was.
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you're on a rocket ride right now (applause) >> feels weird. we have the same, you wait an hour for a london bus and then three come along at once. from the inside, i have been working steadily on a bunch of indie projects for a long time. from the inside, this doesn't feel like it happened overnight, but i can understand. >> stephen: no, you're always been there to you. >> yeah, i have been here the whole time, exactly. >> okay, so can i talk about how this part came to you? did you foe anything about the project if did you know anything about the creators when you got this? >> i actually have to be honest. i knew nothing about the projects. i was coming back from the film festival and my agent said i'm sending you a script, read it on the plane, you're going to audition as soon as you land. i'm so behind, i still haven't seen "breaking bad." >> stephen: it's all a very
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>> good. and i kind of -- the name hbo meant something to me but i kind of associate it more with late-night boxing. >> stephen: mm-hmm. o i'm, like, yes, interesting, branching out. >> stephen: primarily boxing and a drama or two. (laughter) >> yeah. >> stephen: uh-huh. i remember the script is so good, i thought, whoever wrote this has a great future him, and turned out to be the guys who wrote schindler's list and the wire and -- (laughter) >> stephen: yeah, they're going to be okay. your family is originally from pakistan, correct? >> yes. >> stephen: and you are born in england? >> yes. >> stephen: we have one person from every country in the world. (laughter) you are playing someone who is
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is there a difference between the american-muslim experience and the english-muslim experience? >> what's interesting is i think the word "asian" means something different that be in the u.k. >> stephen: asian here means chinese, japanese, thailand, southeast asian. >> in the u.k. it means people like me. so it' the u.s. because people would come up to me and try to speak to me in spanish, first of all. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. that doesn't happen so much if you look at me in the u.k. i would say, no, i'm asian, and they would look at me like i'm crazy. so there is that different, i guess. no, i kind of feel like, when i was growing up, i felt like i
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but i feel this day in age, this is what british looks like and hopefully through nasir khan, people will see that's what an american can look like as well. (applause) >> stephen: do you have any issues when you travel here in because, you know, donald trump says no muslims. no muslims to the united states. do you have any >> he kind of always says foreigners are coming over here taking jobs. i kind of agree. there is a lot of british actors on tv right now over here. >> stephen: hello. absolutely. (applause) >> it's not good. >> stephen: it's not right. they've got touild a wall around the audition room or something, keep them away. (laughter) but, yeah, i kind of do have trouble.
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here. >> stephen: a secondary search? >> a random search. >> stephen: i thought it was a deeper search. >> i get searched by fans and they can be really thorough. >> stephen: are you fans surprised when they find out you are english? because i did not know you were english till you started talking. flap flap. >> great. >> stephen: that's on me. you should have done your research. >> stephen: it's my fault. but are people surprised when they go,it you're not from queens? (laughter) >> it's kind of weird, as soon as i land in the city we're filming, i think i'm going to start talking in the accent of the character to the first person i meet on the production. so they think that's how i talk. so out of embarrassment, i can't go back on that. >> stephen: so you get tangled in a lie. >> yes, deeper and deeper into this lie a i just speak in this accent the whole time.
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accent, you must be from london. and i say, yeah. but when we wrap, they can feel betried. when we wrap up i go up and say, thanks a lot, mate, i appreciate it. they say, i don't know you! who are you? (laughter) >> stephen: this year there are a lot of things you can't tell me, right? >> yeah. >> stephen: is there anything that doesn't end in a dance number? anything you can tell us? >> i can tell you how we filmed it a little bit. it's kind of different than the "star wars" movies.
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the camera and we would do these really intense scenes where we would do it again and again and again without stopping, just again and again. and, so, the whole film has a really intense energy and, partly, that's because of that process because partly we never got to break to go to the toilet within that process at all. >> stephen: so if i see a shot of you and you look furious, your bladder is so full -- >> a little bit, yeah. >> stephen: you got rage (laughter) >> yeah, basically. >> stephen: one thing i did find out about you was that you actually were a rapper called riz emcee? >> i still am. >> stephen: okay, good. i suppose once always. >> yeah. >> stephen: could you drop some knowledge for us right now? (applause) do you need anything? >> no, i just do it a cappella.
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battles. so it could be like coper in a blacktite what a sharp gent, looks like the chat show version of clark kent! (laughter) i'm from the u.k. where it's not just "downton abbey" and those posh peeps, don't believe that lie like you heard it from ryan lochte. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: "the night of" is available on hbo go and hbo now. riz ahmed, everybody. we'll be right back with my thoughts on bill clinton's potential role as first dude. ( band playing ) (cheers and applause) ?
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( band playing ) (cheers and applause)
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welcome back, everybody! folks, there's no other way to put it, donald trump -- (laughter) i know i talk about donald trump a lot on this show, but it's quite possible that, after 240 years of male presidents, america may finally elect... a male first lady. and as america's potential first ladies' man, bill clinton is already making spousal history because, last week, he participated in what family circle magazine used to call but now that bill is on the scene, they've renamed it "the presidential cookie poll. (laughter) because when you're forcing the spouses of presidential candidates to be judged on their baking, you don't want to sound sexist. the contest goes back to 1992, during bill's first presidential campaign, when hillary gave a controversial interview where she said, "i suppose i could have stayed home and baked cookies ... but what i decided to do was to fulfill my
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her comments were taken as a slight against stay-at-home moms. not to mention the powerful keebler lobby. (laughter) they employ over 50% of america's elves! (laughter) but family circle saw hillary's remark as "the perfect opportunity" to start a cookie competition, and what started out as a gaffe became a fun contest." just like when hillary made that gaffe with her email server, which was really more of a (laughter) (cheers and applause) so this year "bill" agreed to participate in the contest but, instead of a new recipe, he turned in the exact same recipe hillary used to win the 1992 and 1996 contests. come on!
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clinton was a cheater? (laughter) (applause) be careful, bill. you can't just use all of hillary's old moves. first off, you're never going to fit into her inaugural gown. (laughter) wow. that is shocking... how much he looks like barbara bush. (laughter) it's really very attractive. very attractive. point is, i'm d clinton's potential first husbandom. and if i were hillary, i'd come up with many more traditions for him to be in charge of. really, anything to keep him busy. we'll be right back with pedro pascal. ( band playing )
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause )
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ladies and gentlemen, my next guest tonight hat hi -- had his face ripped off his skull in "game of thrones." he now he stars in "narcos." (speaking spanish) >> stephen: please welcome, pedro pascal! ( band playing )
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>> stephen: did you mind me describing you as someone who had his face ripped off his skull? it's one of the most gruesome deaths. >> it wasn't ripped off. it was crushed -- well, were knocked out, my eyes were gouged in, and then it was crushed. >> stephen: like a rotten melon. >> like a rotten melon, like gallagher's melons, the big fruit. >> stephen: not as funny. it was funny when we were doing it (laughter) >> stephen: how did that feel? did you enjoy having the most gruesome death in the history of "game of thrones"? which is saying something. >> it's saying a lot. >> stephen: yeah.
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(cheers and applause) i'm a huge fan o of." >> stephen: have you seen the last episode? >> i was on a plane. i love it so much. i sort of watch it on my terms. i wasn't about to catch it midway in my hotel room so i hadn't seen it? neither have i. >> so let's move on. >> stephen: stay backstage. >> i didn't even notice he was british when i met him. >> stephen: i had no idea till he started talking to me. >> yeah. it was so exciting. and then you said he was english and i thought, oh! >> stephen: you're not going to drop an accent on me, are you? >> i was born in chile.
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from every country in the show every night. legally, it's for the international market. (cheers and applause) now, in "narcos," the character is javier pena, based on a real d.e.a. agent. >> just recently retired, january 2014. what year is it now? >> stephen: 2016. all right, so a long career. >> stephen: and did you get to meet this guy, the guy you'repl we went to quantity co-, and i trained for a week with the other actor boyd holbrook and steve murphy, who he plays, and it was weird because, like i said, i'm from chile, and i'm a child of socialist political refugees, we are very, very liberal, and i can't seem to shake the feeling amongst the d.e.a. because, i mean, i don't
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conservative -- (laughter) -- but -- (laughter) >> stephen: let me ask you this -- is there anything else in the past -- in your past you might want to hide from the d.e.a.? >> everything i don't regret doing, which is sort of -- >> stephen: you were with him the whole time, did it feel like you were in traffic and a cop was behind you the whole time. >> like i'm going to get caught for you know what i mean? every drug they talk about, i can only think about doing it. not that i have, but it's that opposing, contrary -- >> stephen: these people are trying to catch pablo escobar. for people who are not children of the '80s, can you explain what a huge figure pablo escobar was? >> he was the king of the cocaine industry.
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>> stephen: he's the bill gates of cocaine. he was worth about $30 billion. >> that's correct, and he was on "forbes" magazine and one of the richest men in the world. >> stephen: he spent $2,500 a month on rubber bands to wrap his cash. true story. >> you know more than i do. i'm just thinking about the drugs i'm not supposed to be doing while i'm playing the character. (laughter) (applause) >> you saw what these guys were doing. this guy is infiltrating the cartel. do you think you could have done that as an actor? >> no. >> stephen: no? well... (laughter) we did tactical simulations. >> stephen: what does that mean? >> where we kind of have to perform a so fario, given a-- a scenario. i had to buy drugs from someone's house, that was all at quantity co-.
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you have a description of what you're supposed to do or ask, and the assignment is just knock on the door, you met this guy before, bought drugs off him one time before and you're just going to buy the drugs and go. you're not going to catch him, just finish the assignment. so i go, and i knock on the door, and the guy invites me inside the house middle east and i am -- invites nee immediately and i am terrified. i know the having fun with the stupid actors who are trying to be cool at quantico. he says, come inside. i'm, like, i don't think i should. he says, what's wrong? i said, nothing. he said, you're being different. i said, so are you. he said, you were so chill last night. no, you were chill last time. we went at this a long time. finally, he was so frustrated
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left. so they took me through what was going to happen to me if i went in the house. they were going to take me inside and a third guy was going to come and i was going to get shot in the head with, like, real blanks. yeah, yeah, so it was sort of an actor's survival instinct, like avoiding humiliation and terror that made me a good d.e.a. agent, i guess. >> stephen: wow. yeah. (laughter) >> stephen: i it's just blanks, that would suck. >> yeah, that would really suck. they did it to boyd holbrook, the guy who plays steve murphy. >> stephen: and? well, when he came to give me the car that i had to get into to drive to the same location, he was pale as a ghost, he was lighting a cigarette and he was like this -- (laughter) -- and i was just, like, this is terrible! >> stephen: that happened before you went? so you had a hint.
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i was, like, i'm not going in that house. >> stephen: well, thank you so much for being here. delightful to meet you. >> good to meet you as well. >> stephen: season 2 of "narcos" is available on netflix on september 2. pedro pascal, everybody! we'll be right back with a performance by angel olsen. (band playing)
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>> stephen: here performing "shut up kiss me," ladies and gentlemen, angel olsen! ( cheers and applause ) ? ? ? >> ? i ain't hanging up this time ? i ain't giving up tonight even if you walk around ? as though you think you're right ? at your worst you still believe ? it's worth a fight i could make it ? all go away tell me what you think ? and don't delay we could still be ? having some sweet memories ? this heart still
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? why can't you see? shut up kiss me ? hold me tight shut up kiss me ? hold me tight stop your crying ? it's alright shut up kiss me ? hold me tight ? stop pretending i'm not there when it's clear ? i'm not going anywhere if i'm out of sight then take i'm still out there ? hoping to be found ? shut up kiss me hold me tight ? shut up kiss me hold me tight ? stop your crying it's alright ? shut up kiss me hold me tight ? shut up kiss me hold me tight ? i could make it all disappear
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? all of your fears we could end all ? this pain right here we could rewind ? all of those tears i could take it ? down to the floor you don't have to ? feel it anymore a love so real that ? it can't be ignored it's all over baby ? but i'm still yours i'm still yours ? shut up kiss me hold me tight ? shut up kiss me hold me tight ? stop your crying it's alright ? shut up kiss me hold me tight ? shut up kiss me hold me tight ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
11:33 pm
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ( cheers and applause )
11:34 pm
saturday!
11:35 pm
11:36 pm
>> stephen: that's it for "the late show" everybody. please tune in tomorrow when my guests will be john krasinski, adam brody, and musical guest st. paul and the broken bones. now stick around for james corden and his guests, heidi klum and josh groban. goodnight!
11:37 pm
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