tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS August 18, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am PDT
late show with stephen colbert is coming up next and our next news cast is tomorrow morning at 4:30 a.m. see you then. good night. tonight, i need to address roversy. last night's republican national convention keynote speaker melania trump has been accused of plagiarizing portions of her speech from michelle obama's appearance at the 2008 democratic convention. now, personally, i don't think this is mrs. trump's to fault at all. i think her speechwriters are to blame, and yet no one has lost their jobs. if only there was someone in the trump campaign who enjoyed firing people. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, i don't talk about this a i don't talk about this a lot, but donald and melania and i are friends. which is why tonight, "the late
show" has secured the first exclusive appearance by mrs. trump to address the controversy. so, please welcome melania trump. ( cheers and applause ) welcome, mrs. trump. i understand you have a statement. >> yes, that is true. >> stephen: and this statement was written by the same staffers who wrote last night's speech? >> yes, i wrote it. >> stephen: well, ma'am, the floor is yours. >> my fellow americans-- ( cheers and applause )
--this is truly the best of times, it is the worst of times. ( cheers and applause ) i did not plagiarize my speech last night. i would never do such a thing. i would not, could not with a goat. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i could not, would not on a boat. ( laughter ) ( applause ) that is because i learned honesty during my humble upbringing-- in west philadelphia, born and raised. ( cheers and applause )
thank you! on the playground is where i spent most of my days. so to those who say i stole my speech, i say, give me a break. give me a break. break me off a piece of that kit kat bar. ( cheers and applause ) they may be able to take our lives, but they will never take our... freedom! ( cheers and applause ) i'm as mad as hell and i'm not going to take it anymore. you've got to fight for your right to party. ( cheers and applause )
boom goes the dynamite. hakuna matata. ba da ba da da-- i'm loving it. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( applause ) oh, and one more thing-- live from new york, it's saturday-- >> stephen: no! >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, stephen welcomes keegan-michael key, kathryn hahn, and n.a.f., featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's time for the 2016 trumpublican donational conventrump, starring donald trump as the republican party!
( audience chanting stephen ) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen! ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much! thank you! please! welcome to "the late show," everybody, live from the ed sullivan theater! here in new york city. ( cheers and applause ) i'm your host, stephen colbert. also live right now. i want to thank melania for stopping by to set the record straight. and broadway star laura benanti, for some reason. ( applause ) let's get straight to the big news tonight-- folks, the republican delegates officially elected their nominee. spoiler alert for anybody who doesn't want to know how the republican party ends-- it's
trump. now, as is tradition, each state voted, and we learned the kinds of things that normally you can only get by opening 50 bottles of snapple. >> american samoa, the greatest exporter of n.f.l. players. >> arkansas, birthplace of johnny cash and al green. >> kentucky, the home of churchill downs and american pharaoh, the source of bluegrass music. >> the great state of maryland, home to the oldest state capital in continuous use. >> missouri, the birthplace of talk radio. >> nebraska, the number one beef producing state in the union. >> the great state of connecticut-- i come from the land where we manufacture pez. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: i don't know, that's what he claims, but i'm pretty sure pez comes from darth vader's neck.
and the moment trump secured the nomination to send him over the top, the celebration kicked off in style with a giant gold screen that declared "over the top!" which was either declaring victory, or indicating the direction trump combs his hair. and then faced with this new reality, the certainty that trump was the nominee, speaker paul ryan stepped up to the mic and eloquently expressed the feelings of so many americans. >> shhhhhhh-- >> stephen:--it! ( cheers and applause ) having secured the nomination, trump then briefly addressed america from the lobby of his bathroom. >> we're going to restore law and order, we have to restore, and quickly, law and order, among many, and just so many other things.
>> stephen: yes, we're going to restore law and order and many, so many other things! "law and order: criminal intent," and "law and order: special victims unit." they're all good shows. we miss you, mariska hargitay! and trump knew just how monumental the night was. >> together we've achieved historic results, with the largest vote turtle in the history of the republican party. >> stephen: no, your ears don't deceive you, he did say "vote turtle?" not a flub. that was not a flub. he was just introducing the next speaker-- senator mitch mcconnell. ( applause ) he's the largest vote turtle! he's the largest vote turtle in america! mcconnell spoke from the theme of "make america work again." that was the theme tonight.
lots of great speakers on that theme tonight-- donald trump, jr. and tiffany trump both provided examples of how hard- working americans just need to roll up their sleeves and be born into a billionaire's family. it's that simple. okay? pull yourself up by your dad's boot straps, and they're nice boot straps. they're the best. diamond-encrusted, four-star boot straps. ( applause ) and new jersey governor chris christie-- ( laughter ) yes, always a crowd favorite. christie opened with some very nice words about the nominee. >> we are proud to be led by not only a strong leader but by a caring, genuine and decent person. >> stephen: yes, certainly not the kind of guy who promises you vp slot and then leaves you hanging from wednesday night until friday morning! a decent man wouldn't do that! then chris christie really fired up the crowd with a super fun
game. >> hillary clinton is the awful judge and character of a dictator butcher in the middle east, is she guilty or not guilty? >> audience: guilty! guilty! >> hillary clinton as an inept negotiate of the worst american arms deal in american history is she guilty or not guilty? >> audience: guilty! guilty! guilty! >> stephen: chris christie promising terrifying show trials before a mindless screaming mob with no presentation for the defense, spooky or not spooky? >> audience: spooky! >> stephen: y'all are spooky. now, folks, say hi to jon batiste and "stay human"! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) there it is.
big night. >> jon: big night. >> stephen: it's a big night. it's a big night. it is now official. there it is. trump is the nominee. you cannot uncarve that pumpkin. you cannot uncandy that yam. what i don't understand is, yeah, we knew this was going to happen, but there was supposed to be a floor fight. there was supposed to be chaos, bikers chain-whipping the rules committee. ted cruz trying to cut out reince priebus' eyeball with a broken bottle. we were promised excitement! but none of that happened. they voted. he got it. that's it. let me illustrate to you how-- no, no, there is still excitement out there. let me illustrate to you how boring this was. we've got a social media team on the ground in cleveland all this week, and yesterday for two hours on facebook live, they streamed footage of the condiment station at the convention.
your ketchup, mustard, relish, stuff like that. half a million people watched delegates putting ketchup on their hot dogs. proving what we already knew, the republican party is a bit of a sausage fest. ( applause ) ♪ then-- this is true-- then-- this is true-- an hour and 50 minutes in, our condiment cam caught fox news anchor bret baer-- friend of the show-- filling a water bottle with mustard. it's absolutely true! ( laughter ) jimmy, play that again. there he is pumping two pumps of mustard into his bottle. and he kind of looks around before he leaves! ( laughter ) why is bret baer hoarding mustard? what does he know that we don't know? i can't judge the man. we report, you decide. but i will say this is the
biggest condiment scandal to come out of fox news since roger ailes was caught spanking the bottom of a ketchup bottle. we'll be right back with keegan- michael key. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) i am sebastian artois. brewmaster. risktaker. i sold everything i had to own a brewery. you might have heard its name... stella artois be legacy just when you think you know what a computer is.
you see a keyboard that can just, get out of the way. and a screen you can touch. and even write on. when you see a computer that can do all that, it might just make you wonder... hey, what else can it do? ♪ trust number one doctor recommended dulcolax constipated? use dulcolax tablets for gentle overnight relief suppositories for relief in minutes and stool softeners for comfortable relief of hard stools. dulcolax, designed for dependable relief ♪ never underestimate the power of energizer. our longest lasting energizer max ever. america thought our pancakes but we knew we could do better. so we did.
expected, but there is one group he's had trouble reaching, african-americans. in fact, even though the convention is in cleveland, according to the latest polls, donald trump has 0% support from black voters in ohio. ( cheers and applause ) 0%! goose egg! 0%! that's the same rotten tomatoes score as "leprechaun 4: in space," which is unfair because i happen to know that leprechaun has never declared bankruptcy. but there is at least one african-american person attending the convention. we got a hold of him. please welcome, live via satellite from the quicken loans arena, frank walters. ( cheers and applause ) thanks for being here, frank! good to see you! ( cheers and applause ) wow! >> i'm excited!
it's a pleasure to be here, stephen. look at this festive atmosphere! whoo-wee! >> stephen: you do seem happy, frank. you do seem happy. now, frank, you're an african- american... >> so they tell me! >> stephen: and are you having a fun time this week, frank? >> it's been amazing. chris christie burned a witch earlier. ben carson was just juggling brains. i didn't know it was going to be this entertaining! gee willikers! >> stephen: i'm not familiar with all the street lingo there, frank. it's a family show. >> oh, heck, i'm sorry! >> stephen: how does it feel being one of the few african- americans there? >> you know, it's incredible, stephen. from the moment i got here, everyone is so nice. they gave me a hat, they gave me a shirt, they're always putting me on camera for some reason! i've never been so popular in my life! ( laughter ) >> stephen: wow, that's really nice. >> yeah! people keep coming up to me and saying, "thank god you're here!
they keep on saying, you're one of the good ones. you're articulate, you're bright, i mean the compliments keep on rolling in, stephen. they even invited me to all these different parties. they keep saying, "we need you there!" it's amazing! >> stephen: well, you do look like you're having a good time. what drew you to the convention? what is it fiscal conservatism? was it more social conservatism? >> oh, i just came by here looking for pokémon. that's all i was doing. ( cheers and applause ) hey, i think i see one! what, officer? no, it's just my phone. put my hands behind my head? what? >> stephen: frank, is everything okay? >> hold on, stephen. i'm confused. do you want me to freeze or do
you want me to get down on the floor and shut up? i'm just trying to clarify. all right, see you later. all right. >> stephen: have a great time, frank. frank walters, everybody! we'll be right back with keegan- michael key. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) can a toothpaste do everything well?
this clean was like - pow. it felt like i had just gone to the dentist. it just kind of like, wiped everything clean. my teeth are glowing. they are so white. crest [hd]. 6x cleaning, 6x whitening. and at two weeks superior sensitivity relief to the leading sensitivity toothpaste. i actually really like the two steps! crest [hd]. step 1 cleans, step 2 whitens. it's the whole package. no one's done this. crest - healthy, beautiful smiles for life.
(♪ ) people spend less time lying awake with aches and pains with advil pm than with tylenol pm. advil pm combines the number one pain reliever with the number one sleep aid. gentle, non-habit forming advil pm. for a healing night's sleep. olive garden now offershen you catering delivery.nt? we make the food and deliver it to your door... so you can enjoy what's important.
but we can stop them. send them a message. we're going to protect our kids
- not their profits. ♪ ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thanks, everybody! folks, my first guest tonight co-created and co-starred in one of the greatest sketch series of all time, "key and peele." he now plays a young improv comedian in the movie "don't think twice."
>> we're auditioning on thursday for "weekend live." >> congrats, man. >> thanks, man. >> you know which bits you're gonna do? >> we just heard, like, ten minutes ago. >> you got to do alex rodrigues in the cell phone star. >> i forgot all about that one. >> you got to do rock when the rock loses all the way. >> slim fast rock. >> the pebble. can you smell what the pebble's cooking? >> not much, and that's why i lost the weight. >> stephen: please welcome keegan-michael key! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ i'm a soul man ♪ i'm a soul man ( cheers and applause ) ♪ i'm a soul man >> stephen: hey! nice to have you on, man. you just missed it, we had
another black guy on satellite feed. had a good time at the convention. >> seemed like the audience was really concerned for him at the end there. >> stephen: well, you know, things being what they are. >> things being what they are. >> stephen: i'm going to talk about the movie in just a second because i'm interested in improv and you and i are both out of chicago. >> second city of improv. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: and before we do that-- do you actually follow politics or are you following the conventions? >> i'm trying to watch as much of the conventions as i can because i was promised excitement. >> stephen: exactly, blood sport. >> yes. >> stephen: what do you think of trump as an improviser? people get disappointed when he's on script and they love it when he flies off the cuff. >> i think the thing is he's a very good stream of consciousness improviser. he doesn't follow all the improv rules, but the other day he was in a place where he was speaking somewhere else in ohio and said we're going to do this, we're gonna do that, that and the
other thing and, who sees the mosquito? you guys see this mosquito? look at the mosquito. the mosquito's going high. get out of here, mosquito. i've had enough of you, mosquito, where's the money? >> stephen: did he say where's the money? >> where's the mosquito's money? is he going to support the campaign? but what was interesting was he was doing a lot of exploration and not a lot of heightening. just kept on saying "mosquito" over and over again. but then he went off the rails, the mosquito is here, the mosquito is on the wall, the ceiling, the ceiling is high, it's a wall, not as high as my wall will be. >> stephen: flies from one thing to another. >> so the mind is free, it's nimble. it's not sane, but it's nimble. >> stephen: "mind is free" is a kinder way of saying unhinged. >> unfettered mind. >> stephen: unfettered. if he doesn't govern the way he speaks-- i wonder the way he would govern if he became president of the united states because it's possible.
>> i think pretty much if he becomes president of the united states, he will spend every single day going, where's my scepter? i haven't gotten my scepter yet! >> stephen: it's gold. >> it's gold, it should be near the throne. this is just a regular chair.pho levision shows there's a photo up there, that he's just key?iting.ed oneor tothat.et)tol
for every crash... an even bigger collision. for every robbery... a heart that's been stolen. for every fire... a dozen flames. and for every tailspin... well, tailspins. state farm understands that getting the most out of life doesn't just mean being there when things go completely wrong. it's about being here... here... and here... in all of life's moments. when things go perfectly... right. ♪
♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody! my next guest tonight is a classically-trained actress who peed in a urinal in "stepbrothers." her new movie is "bad moms." >> looking good, jeff. >> oh, thanks. >> yeah, you have been working out? >> no, not for, like, ten years. >> your beige windbreaker is really lighting up my board. >> oh, thanks. >> do you know what i mean? my vagina. bye, jeff! >> stephen: please welcome kathryn hahn! ( cheers and applause ) ♪
>> hi, you guys! happy conventions. >> oh, thank you. thank you. >> stephen: thank you for being here on the live show. i've got to ask you, as long as we're talking about the conventions, is this true you're from cleveland? >> i am. >> stephen: do you still have family back there? >> my whole fam-damily is there. >> stephen: all right. >> everyone is there. in the '80s there was an ad campaign, if new york's an apple, cleveland is a plum, which was our city's ad campaign. >> stephen: that's nice. >> yeah. >> stephen: do they like the fact the convention is there? what's it doing to the city? >> they're in the suburbs. my dad, i mean, i think both are very excited about the cleaning up of public square, they keep talking about.
but my mom is not staying, like, oh, honey, i'm not going anywhere near there, the guns and the gas masks, i mean it's nutso! >> stephen: how many weekends a year do you spend at the rock and roll hall of fame? >> i have never gone! >> stephen: really? no! >> stephen: they've got like things jimi hendrix touched there. >> my mom says i'm not spending 25 bucks to see a sweaty t-shirt under plexiglass. >> stephen: it's apparently a pretty cool place. >> yeah, apparently it's amazing. what do you think is going on between donald trump and melania right now? if you were married to donald trump-- keep breathing-- if you were married to donald trump, and he and his staff were to let you tell a speech that clearly had parts that had been cribbed, would you lay into him? >> well, i mean, obviously that woman has infinite, unfathomable depths of patience to be able to
put up with that blow-hard crap for that many years! ( cheers and applause ) i don't understand it. i mean, i feel like she would be-- >> stephen: love. >> it's real, true love. >> stephen: it is. >> it is. i feel like i might be working a melania eye today. >> stephen: you have a little smokey shadow going on. >> it's an easy look for a simple mom on the go. >> stephen: you're a mom yourself. the movie is "bad moms," who give up trying to be perfect and just let her rip. >> and just let it rip, turrrt! ( laughter ) >> stephen: just fun. ( laughter ) how many kids do you have? >> 19 and counting. >> stephen: you wear it well. thank you. >> stephen: mm-hmm. >> i have two kids. >> stephen: ages? >> about to be 7 and 9.
>> stephen: okay. >> yeah. >> stephen: are you a good mom or a bad mom, in your opinion? >> stephen, i'm doing the best i can. i'm doing the best i can. i'm doing the best i can. ( cheers and applause ) i mean, i definitely remember when my son was not even a year- - i mean, he was a little teeny baby, teeny, crying so hard. i was, like, what's happening? i was sweating profusely, he wasn't eating and i said, what's the matter, what's the matter, what's the matter? this is my bad mom story. i literally opened his diaper because i thought he was sensitive to urine because i had been letting him sit in it for days. >> stephen: you were pickling him. >> the littlest one of my hairs had wound itself around his balls, like, five times. ( laughter ) horrible mother!
i still wake up in the middle of the night thinking about that. almost castrated my son. >> stephen: you think you wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it. i don't understand. i don't understand. your son is going to say to the therapist, i don't know why i'm attracted to mesh briefs, i don't understand why this is a thing for me! ( laughter ) >> yes, motherhood. >> stephen: so much is asked of moms, and you're a working mom, you know. >> yes. >> stephen: you're an actress in demand. do you feel like, oh, my god, i have to make a choice at times? >> no, it's very clear. it's my career, stephen. what are you talking about? ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, you've got to. you don't have a choice. >> no, no. i don't know what mom doesn't wake up in the morning and thinks when they have to leave for work, that, ah! something doesn't feel right about this! of course you want to... it's sucks but i'm lucky enough to have a gig.
>> stephen: have you dragged them to set and told them, mommy's going to pretend for a while, don't ever do the things mommy's going to pretend to do. >> it's so awkward. they just like the craft service table. >> stephen: have you been with them when you're with a pretend child? >> they get it. they've never seen anything i've done ever. because they can't. mommy's body of work is not meant for children, but they get it, and, you know, they're circus kids. they were brought up in a circus and are terrific. >> stephen: i didn't let my daughter see my work in the old days, especially when i was playing a character. and she was quite young, and i was on the phone one day, i was doing the character into the phone one day saying pretty terrible things in character when we were writing the script. i got off the phone and she had been watching me for like 20 minutes, like this-- ( laughter ) and then she said, i think i understand-- you don't mean what you're saying.
i said, yes, daddy doesn't mean what he's saying for a living. ( laughter ) thank you so much for being here. it was lovely to meet you! "bad moms" will be in theaters on july 29. kathryn hahn, everybody! we'll be right back with a performance by n.a.f. stick around! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ [bell rings]
i like to use my backpack as a basketball! i use mine as a science experiment! as an emergency umbrella. to help feed a friend. a drum solo! i just use my backpack for books and stuff. embark backpacks. guaranteed for one year. you ready? first kid by their second kid, every mom is an expert, and more likely to choose luvs than first time moms. new luvs with nightlock plus absorbs wetness faster than huggies snug & dry, to help stop leaks - even overnight.
excuse me...i think there's a misprint. oh. model year end clarence event. looks right to me. shouldn't it be clear- clearly... it is time to get a great deal and a reward card on this turbocharged jetta. gotta make room for the 2017 models. it is a clarence event. why is that so hard for people to understand? it seems clar to me. clear to me. ready for a test drive? whatever you want to call it, don't miss the volkswagen model year end event. hurry in for a $1,000 volkswagen reward card and 0% apr on a new 2016 jetta.
♪ never underestimate the power of energizer. our longest lasting energizer max ever. ♪ (humming) ♪ so you're up at dawn, ♪ k, , look alive. ♪ you've been saving for a big man-cave. ♪ (chuckling) good luck with that, dave. ♪ you made the most of your retirement plan, ♪ ♪ so you better learn to drive that rv, man.♪ ♪ so many things you're doing in your life. ♪ ♪ ♪get great savings on the tees they need for back-to-school... and kohl's cash for you! the more you buy, the more kohl's cash you'll earn
>> stephen: and now, making their network television debut, please welcome n.a.f. with jenny lewis, tennessee thomas and erika forster! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ don't close the door don't close the door ♪ shout it! don't close the door ♪ shattered daddy! don't close the door ♪ and you get what you want when you really need it
♪ all the wisdom that comes to you in your dreams ♪ and if you believe in peace and love ♪ and the blessings and the blessings above ♪ don't close the door shout it! ♪ don't close the door shattered daddy! ♪ we are so close shout it! ♪ don't close the door doo-doo-do ♪ doo-doo-do doo-doo-do ♪ doo-doo-do doo-doo-do doo-doo-do doo-doo-do ♪ doo-doo-do
doo-doo-do ♪ doo-doo-do ♪ doo-doo-do ♪ doo-doo-do ♪ don't close the door shout it! ♪ don't close the door shout it! don't close the door shout it! don't close the door ♪ all the ( bleep ) that we talk it's a smoke screen ♪ it's a waste of my time a waste of your being ♪ cus i wanna ride the white dove ♪ and the message and the message of love ♪ don't close the door shout it! ♪ don't close the door
>> stephen: that's it for "the late show," everybody! good night, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ( cheers and applause ) ♪ are you ready to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ your hang-ups and fears 'bout to set you right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from whitefish,