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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  January 4, 2017 11:35pm-12:38am PST

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i will be here until 4:30 because i can't go to bed. >> we will see you tomorrow. captioning sponsored by cbs >> "the late show"" presents stephen colbert and kate beckinsale's tips for werewolf hunting. >> hi, i'm kate beckinsale, star of "underwolrd: blood wars." >> stephen: and i'm stephen colbert, star of the late show blood wars." >> and these are our tips for killing werewolves. >> number one: shoot them with a silver bullet. that's a classic. >> stephen: number two: if you don't have a gun, just throw a silver bullet at them really hard. ( laughter ) >> number three: have them over for dinner, and then bake the silver bullet into a meatloaf. you can also garnish with it. >> stephen: number four: paint a large firecracker like a cigar and then invite the
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werewolf to your bachelor party. when he gets there, shoot him with a silver bullet. ( laughter ) >> number five: if it's a male werewolf, dress up like a female werewolf with a bow in your hair. then date it, get it to fall in love with you, and then never return its phone calls, slowly breaking its heart. ( laughter ) >> stephen: number six: domesticate it over thousands of years until it turns from a werewolf into a wereman's best friend. >> who's a good werewolf? >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes kate beckinsale. chris messina. and jen kirkman. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: hey! woooo! thank you very much! >> stephen: welcome! welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. i'll tell you, with a greeting like that, you make me want to run in 2020. ( cheers and applause ) oh, man. my heart is thumping. i don't know if it's from running out here or standing next t to kate beckinsale. what's going on? big news from capitol hill. today vice president-elect mike pence met with congressional republicans to talk about repealing obamacare. according to some republican congressmen, "the repeal
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meeting." two, four, six, eight, make the poor self-medicate! goooooo (bleep) yourselves!" ( cheers and applause ) hey, guess who else was on capitol hill? president obama stopped by to meet with democrats, to rally them to defend obamacare. here's obama rolling in with his crew including scarlett mcredboot, congressional cowgirl! according to sources, obama urged democrats not to rescue republicans by helping them pass replacement measures. don't help them fix obamacare or change it or anything like that. that's in the hippocratic oath: first, do no harm. second, hope the other doctor kills the patient. they get blamed and, in two years, you regain control of the hospital. obama also suggested that democrats start referring to the g.o.p.'s new plan as
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trumpcare. >> jon: wow. >> stephen: that will show him. because if there's one thing donald trump hates, it's putting his name on things. it's going to sting. speaking of whom, we're a little over two weeks from trump's inauguration. typically-- i know, i'm exciting, too. typically, you've got a bunch of stars there at the inauguration to perform for the new president. reagan had frank sinatra, clinton had fleetwood mac, george w. had ricky martin, obama had beyonce. so, obviously, for trump, everybody who's anybody is going to be there, except for anybody. because he's having a wee bit of trouble getting famous acts to perform. but this week it was announced proud to have the caisson platoon, home of the army's oldest and most famous horse, black jack. okay, old horse. that's a crowd pleaser.
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kids love old horses. this is exciting. now, before you drop a bundle on now, before you drop a bundle on stubhub to get tickets, you might want to know that in addition to being the army's oldest and most famous horse, black jack has been dead for 40 years. nooooo! why do the oldest horses always die so young! and trump's even having trouble with some of the alive acts that he's booked. turns out the mormon tabernacle choir is scheduled to perform-- one fan of the mormon tabernacle choir here. i have some terrible news for my one mormon tabernacle choir-head. over the weekend, a choir member resigned because she didn't want to perform for trump. ( cheers and applause ) this is a disaster.
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i mean, who wants to listen to the mormon tabernacle choir with only 359 members? ( laughter ) obviously, obviously, now the choir needs to fill that empty spot with a mormon who has free time and can sing. let's see, who could they find? ♪ who let the dogs out? who? who? ♪ >> stephen: all right, trump has a job for mitt after all. it's not a place in the cabinet, but it's prominent. you know who's definitely going to be at the inaugaral? bill and hillary clinton will attend. i think that's very nice that she's being a gracious loser. and if you count the popular vote, a gracious winner. ( cheers and applause ) , of course,, of course, it makes-- doesn't change anything. ( laughter ) of course, it makes sense that bill clinton would be there. former presidents traditionally
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attend the inauguration, and the next day, a 200,000-woman march will take place on the washington mall. ( cheers and applause ) and there is no way bill's going to miss that. "200-thou. i like those odds." ( laughter ) ( applause ) i want them to lower me. "i want them to lower me down like a pork chop in a piranha pit." ( laughter ) of course, one little shadow hanging over the inaugaration is the whole "russia chose our president" thing. our entire intelligence community says that russia hacked clinton's campaign but trump doesn't buy it. and last night he tweeted, "the intelligence briefing on so-called russian hacking was delayed until friday. perhaps more time needed to build a case. very strange!" ( laughter ) yes, i agree, very strange.
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for the future commander in chief to use sarcastic quotations about the intelligence agencies he will rely on. mr. trump, you're not an outsider anymore shooting spitballs from the sidelines, right? in two weeks you'll be president of the united states. ( cheers and applause ) you're going to have to-- you're going to have to get facts from your intelligence services to keep enemies from killing us all. ( laughter ) aaahhh. still, it is suspicious that there's been this mysterious delay of the intelligence meeting. i mean, why wait till friday? possiblybecause the intelligence meeting was always scheduled for friday. ( laughter ) that's an interesting fact. you know where trump could have learned that? from an intelligence meeting. instead, trump has decided to trust intelligence from a more reliable source: wikileaks
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founder and hobo anderson cooper, julian assange. ( laughter ) after watching assange on fox news, trump tweeted, "julian assange said a 14-year-old could have hacked a podesta. and that's not easy. we know that's not easy. most 14-year-olds surf the internet with just one hand. speaking of trump's twitter-- which we will be speak about for years now-- even though trump has 18 million followers, he only follows 42 accounts. he doesn't even follow barack obama-- and he's literally about to follow barack obama! but this weekend, trump followed somebody new on twitter: this is true. "emergency kittens," a twitter account devoted to adorable cats. the feed features cute kitty photos and memes, like this one that says "you win at life if
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you cat cuddles with you." that must be strange for trump to see-- i mean, a man being grabbed by a pussy. it's so unusual. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: oh! oh! ooooh! >> stephen: are you okay? are you going to be okay? >> jon: man, you put that out there, didn't you? >> stephen: you don't put it out there, they won't put it in there. but still... ( laughter ) ( applause ) and it's good! okay. we'll see if that makes air. don't know what cbs is going to do. but still, i think we've got a real opportunity here. i say we need to create a twitter account with actual emergency kittens, adorable cats with vital information for the new president, like, "global warming could make ocean levels rise up to two feet by the end of the century? i'm feline scared!"
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or "a nuclear armed north korea could be a threat to global stability. and that's fur real!" or, "the nor-mewl-ization of white su-purrr-mecists is paw-sibly a cat-astrophic rise of the furred reich!" you're welcome. you're welcome. we've got a great show tonight. kate beckinsale is here. but when we return, i'll have breaking news from a 104 years ago. stick around. first there is shaving. blades. sharp and precise. then gillette shielding. comfy lubrication before and after. and also cooling. oooh. i got goosebumps.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and stay human, everybody! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: thanks so much. welcome back, everybody. you know, i never thought i'd say this, but have you heard the latest news about the "titanic"? first off, it sank. all right, so spoiler alert. but there's more news. according to new claims, it was a coal fire, not just an iceberg that doomed the "titanic." they don't know where the the initial sparks for the fire came, from but i'm guessing hot sex and a model "t." and, evidently, the crew knew about the fire, because it had
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been burning for three weeks before the "titanic" even shoved off. they even parked the ship with the scorch marks facing the ocean, so passengers couldn't see them. they pulled the world's largest "dirty couch cushion flip." so did fire bring down the "titanic"? i personally do not buy it because we here at the "late show" have combs through our archives, and we have found a compelling documentary cartoon that proves it was the iceberg targeting the "titanic" all along. jim. ♪ ♪ >> yyaahh! ( grunting ) ♪ ♪
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( slurping ) ♪ ♪ ( laughter ) >> ha-ha-ha! ha-ha-ha! >> ech.
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( bell rings ) ha-ha-ha! ( slurping ) ( sighs ). >> ha-ha-ha! ( laughter ) ♪ ♪ >> ha-ha-ha!
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♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: you hang in there, tiny. we'll be right back with kate beckinsale.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the program. you know my first guest from movies like "serendipity," "love and friendship" and the "underworld" series. the latest is "underworld: blood wars." >> oh!
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impressive. >> stephen: please welcome kate beckinsale! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> is that for me? >> stephen: that is for you. that is for you. enjoy it. please hydrate. >> i'm going to. >> stephen: this time of year you have to hydrate. you look absolutely lovely in that dress. you could aware it to a ball. >> should i. >> stephen: i love how classy you sound, "shall i?" is this like what you wore on new year's eve?
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>> i normally don't like new year's eve. >> stephen: why? >> i think the pressure to have a really good time makes me go contrary. this year digo to a party. i went to a sort of fraty party, which i thought -- >> you went to a frat party? >> no-- >> stephen: those were some very happy frat boys. >> it was a fraty-style party. they were much older, i think, than actual frat partiy. >> stephen: what made it fraty, bongs, and things like that? >> i think that was imminent. i left before that happened. there were those red plastic cups-- >> stephen: the solo cups. >> with vodka and gatorade in them. >> stephen: that's a quality party. >> right, isn't it. >> stephen: you need your electrolights when you're chugging vodka. >> exactly. so there was that. and then i went somewhere else. and when it was time to leave i went to another party-- you know when you walk into a house and it sounds like grandma's cabin
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and grandma's old blankets and i was rolling with the grandma cabin thing and a moth flew out of the toilet and i thought i'm going home now and i thought that's when new year's happened for me. >> stephen: is that how you knew it was midnight when the moth came out. where were you for midnight? >> not the moth. that would have been a bad year ahead, i think. no, i was at a club at the time. get me. >> stephen: a club like with music. >> standing on a banket with someone standing on my jacket, and i know you, stuff like that. normally, i don't have that. >> stephen: one thing you have to celebrate for the new year here you're on the cover of-- you're on "shape" magazine. this is from the contents page of "shape" magazine. ( applause ) my sentiments exactly. over the holidays, you had to have at least a little bit the eggnog. they take this photo like, in november, right? >> absolutely. >> stephen: and then you
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totally pack on the pounds. >> this is ruined. this is ruined. >> stephen: i can tell, yes fatty. >> tubs. >> stephen: how much-- do you-- do you actually have to worry about stuff like that? because i get to sit behind a desk, so i can just spread out. >> that's quite good, isn't it? >> stephen: it's very nice. i actually wear the desk everywhere i go. >> it's your sweat pants. >> stephen: i actually don't have to wear pants when i sit down. >> you're not. >> stephen: not right now. >> how french! >> stephen: well, my name is colbert, madame. >> it is. >> stephen: you also-- this is something that is actually very topical, and almost political right now. >> yes. >> stephen: you like to instagram pictures of your-- of your cat. and this one says, "bite me." >> yeah. because he's a gingerbread keek. >> stephen: i understand. this one makes less sense to me. this one the cat has an egg
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crate. >> okay -- >>un the cat is dreaming of murdering you, right? >> that's where you're wrong. that's where you're actually wrong. >> stephen: cats like this? >> not all cats. a lot of cats don't. my cat is quite stupid. but-- and i say that with love. but does really enjoy dressing up. the trouble is he's got resting bitch face, so he always looks angry but he's actually happy about it. >> stephen: this one? >> that's a panda hat. it's sort of like a helmet. that was his favorite one. >> stephen: have you thought about submitting this to trump's "emergency kitten" twitter feed. >> that's a good idea. >> stephen: and sending trump messages. >> i could get weirder and weirder with the costumes. he would be totally down with it. i don't get the sense he's a frump supporter. >> stephen: i'm going to show this photo, and i can't believe it, but cbs is not going to allow mow to show the entire photo of this particular cat photo. it says, "having a gesticulating cat or a penis lamp is an
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advantage." i am trusting-- i am trusting, knowing how squeaky clean this network is that we cannot show a plastic penis lamp. why do you have a plastic penis lamp? >> well, my ex-husband, my daughter's father, gave it to me for christmas one year. ( laughter ) to remind me of him. probably not for that. >> stephen: to remind you of him. that is a very small penis. >> i take that back. because of that exact issue that you just mention gld okay. >> don't understand why they can't show it when it's that small and also functions as a switch -- >> what? that's the switch? >> yes, that's what you flick up and down. that's the genius of the lamp. >> stephen: that's how it works. that's,000 works, i understand. i wouldn't know. i wouldn't know. i work for cbs. "underworld: blood wars," this is the fifth, your fourth. >> yes. >> stephen: the last time you were here you were doing "love
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and friendship" a jane austin novel being adapted. now you're back in the leather jumpsuit. i can call it a jumpsuit? >> you can call it whatever you like. >> stephen: you complained about corsets in the other movie. >> i still get corsets in "underworld." i we're a corset nearly at all times. >> stephen: am i wearing a corset now? >> no, but it feels like i am. >> stephen: i am. no pants but a corset. >> you're like the ideal man. >> stephen: i understand that you speak russian. is that true? >> yes. >> stephen: all right, it's not an accusation. >> okay ( laughter ) glifs hoping-- i was hoping you could say a few things in russian for me, teach me how to say a few things. would do you that? >> i would. >> stephen: would you mind-- one of my producers set this up. i'm not sure what they are. my producer set up a few things to say in russian. if you could say that. where did you learn russian by the way. >> i did it at middle school, high school, oxford university.
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>> stephen: oxford university! i forgot... ( laughter ) very nice. very nice. >> exactly! >> stephen: okay. hit me with your best shot. ( speak german ). >> stephen: i can't even begin to pronounce that. what does that mean? >> "no, i will not give you my wifi password." >> stephen: i can't do that one. again, what does that mean? >> "mr. putin, please put on a shirt." you'll need that. ( laughter ) >> stephen: all right, all right. all right. do yodo you have a simpler one? ... trump tower. >> stephen: i heard the last one. >> the best borscht is made in trump tower. >> stephen: let me get the putin one again.
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>> you aced it! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: how do you say thank you so much for being here? ( laughter ) "underworld: blood wars" is in theaters this friday. kate beckinsale, everybody! we'll be right back with chris messina. of shrimp, at red lobster's big fel get your perfect pair for just $15.99. choose 2 of 6 new and classic shrimp creations, like bold new firecracker red shrimp. exploding with flavor? yeah they are. or try new creamy shrimp linguini, and new sweet bourbon-brown sugar grilled shrimp. flavors like these are big.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you for joining us again. my next guest has starred in "six feet under," "the newsroom," and "argo."
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but i will always love him as dr. danny castellano from "the mindy project." please welcome chris messina! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> what a nice greeting. >> stephen: nice to see you. >> nice to see you. >> stephen: we have not seen each other in 18 months or something like that, since i was a guest on "the mindy project." >> that's right, i miss you. >> stephen: i miss you, too. >> you were amazing on that show. >> stephen: that was an incredibly fun show to work on because guys drink. >> we do, we do. >> stephen: not a joke. we were, like, in the middle of shooting on a friday. "you want a cocktail?" i'm like, "i'm 50. i'll go to sleep if i have a cocktail." new season-- new episodes come out next month. no spoirlz. am i in any of it? >> i hope so. >> stephen: i hope so, too. >> i loved acting with you and i'm not just saying that because i'm on the show with you. i loved acting with you.
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they do this thing on the show-- they probably do it on all comedy shows -- alt-comedy lines, alternative lines that aren't in the script and they throw them out and they threw them at you like machine gun rapid fire and you were incredible. home runs every time. and i was like, wow, that's how the show's supposed to go. ( laughter ) they would try that with me and then they would come over after many tries and say, like, "let's stick to the original line." ( laughter ). >> stephen: as a young actor, did you, like-- i tried to be a serious actor when i was younger. i did some terrible performances. did you have any sort of humbling early acting? >> tons, tons of them. the first-- the first play i ever did, i was an understudy. it was a play called "sugar down billy hockey." >> stephen: i'm sorry, soft-core porn? what is that? "sugar down"-- >> "billy hockey." >> stephen: were you billy hoke? >> i wasn't.
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i understudied poise who were my age, 18, 19. it was a three-character play, two boys and an older gentleman in his 50s. >> stephen: was this in new york? >> it was in new york, not too far from here. the older man didn't like me that much. he kept calling me (bleep). ( laughter ) >> stephen: go ahead, go ahead. >> so, anyway... ( laughter ) he-- the reviews come out, and the boys i was understudying, they did great. they were fantastic in the show. and he didn't do quite so well. >> stephen: the older fellow >> older fellow. and like any professional actor, she stopped showing up for work several times. they kept cancelling the show, and everybody was pissed off, as you might imagine. >> stephen: is this a well-known actor? >> no, no, he's not. ( laughter ) so, anyway, one afternoon, he doesn't come to the show. and i-- i say, "i'll go on for him." and, again, i'm the understudy of the two boys, so i don't know
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-- >> so you're going on for the old guy? >> yes. okay, the play, it takes place in a subway bathroom. those don't exist, do they, new york city subway bathroom? >> stephen: i would never go in one. yeah. someone says, "join me in the subway bathroom, don't go down there." >> don't go there. don't go there. these kids end up in the bathroom somehow. there's a bad drug deal. >> stephen: >> and this character, 50-some-year-old guy, he's a homeless man, and the whole first act of the play he's in a box -- >> like a cardboard box. where he's living. >> you don't see him. and the two boys are arguing about the drug deal that went bad-- ""what happened?" and at the end of the first act he pops out of the cardboard box like this and that's end of the first act. the whole first act i'm in the box, mem riegz the lines. i don't know wh one line.
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the second arct at the climax, i say to these two boys, "i'm your father! i'm your father!" and that was the climax of the play. it was-- it was a terrible moment as it was just now when i said it in here. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm hooked. i'm totally hooked. i believe-- i believe-- i believe it. you've got me. >> the next play di, which i actually had a part -- >> that story is over? >> that story is kind of over. i had a part in this next play, and no one called me (bleep), which was a great thing. and the stage manager said to me, "hey, there's somebody waiting for you." i thought i had a fan. i came out, thought maybe i was going to sign a "playbill" or something. and he said, "hey, did you go on one afternoon for "sugar down billy hoke." i said, "yes, i did." he said, "that was the worst thing i have ever seen in my entire life." >> stephen: how old were you at this point? >> 18, 19 years old. >> stephen: and you kept
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going. good for you. >> and here we are. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: you're on broadway. this is broadway, technically. and now you're in the new "live by night," with ben affleck. your second ben affleck movie, "argo." >> that's right. >> stephen: sees sort of becoming the matt damon to your ben affleck. >> he is, yeah. >> stephen: i understand you gained a lot of weight for this movie. how many of the l.b.s did you put on? >> i put on 40 pounds. >> stephen: what! 40? how did you do it? like fun? >> it was fun. it was a lot of fun. >> stephen: was it like workout or just stuff your face. >> just stuff my face, beer-- lots of beer. bagel, pasta. i would have a beer by the bedside table and i'd wake up in the middle of the night to pee, and i just chugged the beer. it was fun. was like a hero on set. affleck and the rest of the crew would be like, "how much do you weigh?" and they'd feel my belly. >> stephen: did they know you were going to do this or was it, "surprise, i'm fat."
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>> in the book the character is described as round and i'm affleck's sidekick and kind of, believe it or not, his bodyguard, and i thought maybe the only way to do was that get fat. >> stephen: have some bulk. >> yes, have some bulk. >> stephen: we have a clin of you meeting at the train station and starting as the bodyguard. jim. >> how you doing! >> look at you! >> look at you! >> hey! sorry about your father. >> thank you. listen, when they found me in montreal and told me they wanted me to come work for them, i thought it was a straight bamboozle. and then i thought, if anyone can charm the devil, it's my old partner. look at this. would you look at this? here, after you. >> get out of here! >> i work fur now. boss joe coughlin. reach under the seat and you'll find a friend. >> by the way, i could never get
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that car into the right gear. ( laughter ) never. >> stephen: was it a real old car? >> it's a real old car. and you're trying to be a cool gangster, and i have a cigar in my mouth and i kept grinding. >> stephen: the owners of those antique cars love when you grind the gears. >> they love is. >> stephen: chris, nice to sigh you. "live by night" opens nationwide next friday. cheers! chris messina, everybody! we'll be right back with comedian jen kirkman. (kids laughing) what's going on? shhh!
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is there an elk in your bed? with sleep number, there's an adjustment for that. tilt your tormentor and put those snores to sleep. does your bed do that? come into a sleep number store and save $600 on our best selling mattress. it's a no brainer. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back. my next guest is a stand-up comedian and bestselling author. her new stand-up special is "just keep livin?" please welcome jen kirkman. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> hi! >> stephen: welcome to the show. nice to meet you. >> nice to meet you, too. i'm sorry, i didn't wear this
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dress not to be twirld around so i made you do that. >> stephen: listen, i know how to jitterbug. i would say happy new year to you but i have seen some of your tweets. >> yeah. >> stephen: and this one has got me a little worried about you: ( laughter ). >> thank you. >> stephen: but you've got to be positive. >> oh, i'm-- i am positive. >> stephen: you're positive that it's-- >> that it's going to be horrible. everyone is like, "2016 was so bad. we elected trump. good-bye!" i said you know what happens in 2017? that's the year we become president. we're down the street. if we all just got up and went to trump's house, which is right there, we could all pick him up and throw him in a dumpster. like, this doesn't have to happen. ( cheers and applause ) come on! >> stephen: first of all, you just got your name on a list. second of all. it's not trump's house. it's trump tower, you know,
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where you can pour boiling oil from. i don't think you can get anywhere near it. he has security now. >> i'll just be like, "oh, i'm one of the ladies he hired," or something like that. >> stephen: the special you have on netflix is called "just keep livin?." that's matthew mcconaughey's motto, right? he signs everything "j.k. livin'." does he know you're stealing from him? >> i'm trying to get his attention. but my initials are j.p. so i thought "j.k. livin'" should have been mine. i'm inspired by it. i'm from a negative catholic family, and i don't have inspirational people. when my grandmother was 84 she started taking antidepressants. and we were like, "why are you doing is that,nana?" and she said, "because i can't stop living." >> stephen: so she couldn't handle the fact she was healthy.
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>> she was like, "god must hate me. he's not taking me." i think just keep livin' is a really cool motto. i have it tattooed on my an ank. you can't see it. i can take my tights off. >> stephen: i don't think that would be appropriate. >> well, you can't see it if i do, though. >> stephen: let's do it. i'm not going to stop you. ( cheers and applause ) >> women are good at this! i can take my bra, off, too, without you even seeing anything. >> stephen: hold on. get that up here. >> just keep livin', j.k.l. >> stephen: that's nice. >> thank you. >> stephen: let me finish that for you. get that back up here. >> oh, thank you! >> stephen: there you go. >> i need trump's spray tan
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uponner, i'm very white. not that there's anything wrong with being white. i'm very proud-- just kidding. ( laughter ). >> stephen: now, i understand on this special? >special. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: speak of being proud, you're a proud woman. >> that's right. >> stephen: you with cat calling. have you been cat called. >> it is. a lot of caughts call me. cat calling, street harassment, happens all the time. we're just so used to it. and now i think women are talking about it more. but it's so-- i mean, of all the women's issues this is one we can nip in the bud in two second s. >> stephen: but men although men are pigs. >> just don't yell at us. it's thatticism. i feel like it's so old-timey, if you're going to cat call a woman your car horn should be ayuga. i'm so hypersensitive about it if i even see a man on the street i'm like, "get away from me." i was walking down the street down south. >> stephen: like south in
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america. >> north carolina. it was a nice night, dusk, i'm taking a walk. and this guy in a truck drives by, white guy in a truck, and he stops and sees me and pulls over and i'm like in 15 minutes there are just going to be flowers and candles where i'm standing, i'm dead. that's a street death joke. ( laughter ) and i was really afraid. and he said, "excuse me, do you mind if i say something real creep you to you?" >> stephen: that's a great... line. >> because women are also taught to be polite. i go right up to the truck and go, "okay." and i'm standing there waiting for the creepy moment. and i thought of all the women in the world -- >> wait, hold on a second. a guy says to you, "do you mind if i say something kind of creepy to you?" and you go, "why, yes, sir, go ahead." if someone invites you to go to the subway bathroom, don't go. >> who am i to be rude. >> stephen: that's very nice of you. >> women are taught to be nice and when we get older we realize we don't have to put up with
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this and find our voices. i went to the truck and said, "no, you can't." he said, "ma'am, i didn't mean to scairp you. i'm married. i'm not hitting on you. i just love your boots." because i had these cool boots on. i said, "that's the creepy thing you wanted to say?" he said, "yes, ma'am. i could be the live with myself in you didn't let me say that. and he drove off. it was so dramatic. i kind of wish he i didn't let him say that and watch his life play out and at home and can't eat. and his wife is like, "henry, you haven't eaten in two nights." "got something on my mind, martha." "are you cheating on me, henry?" "it's not about sex, martha, it's fashion." he's on his death bed and his son is like,"father, any words of wisdom?" "i love those boots." it gave me an idea if you're going to cat-call a woman, if you must do it, don't yell about our bodies. if like, if i'm walking around
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at 8:00 in the morning i don't want someone saying, "nice ass." that sounds sarcastic first thing in the morning. "it doesn't feel nice. i ate a lot last night." if you just yell a complement. "hey, honey, i see you walking around with your confidence. good for you, sweetie." "i like that the platt matches the platt in your shoes. nice detail. have a good day, sweetie." >> stephen: that would be nice. >> that would be nice. >> stephen: good luck. everybody, "just keep livin?" is available on netflix now. jen kirkman, everybody. we'll be right back.,,,,,,,,,,,,
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late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be adam driver, alexa dahvalos, and musical guest, whitney. now stick around for james corden and his guests, jim parsons and america ferrera. good night. ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where you come from it's gonna be all right ♪ it's the late, late show ♪ ladies and gentlemen, all the way


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