tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS January 16, 2017 11:35pm-12:38am PST
they call him mr. humpback. >> if he was playing golf, they'd definitely let him play through. >> have a good night. captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ it's mlk day, we here also have a dream. that you will save big on a new mattress. there's 25% on every mattress, pillow tops, inner spring, gel latex, comfort coil, memory foam, horse hair, goose feather, sheep, every mattress in stock. >> one day only, mlk day sale. our bedding will not be judged by the price on the tag but by the content of its lumbar support. >> this is starting to feel like it's in poor taste. >> you're right. 25% is in poor taste. come in today and save 35%. >> no, i mean exploiting a civil rights icon to sell mattresses.
that's the part that seems in poor taste, is it just me? >> all right. how about 35% off mall mattresses and 40% for black people. >> no, look, maybe it would be more respectful to dr. king to not sell mattresses today. besides, the two don't really have that much in common, anyway. >> dually noted but can we still have a mattress sale on columbus day. >> oh yeah, that guy was a monster. >> it's the late show with stephen colbert. tonight, he welcomes sarah paul sen, corey stoll, miss kal guest nick granted and jan batistement now live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! (cheers and applause). >> stephen: whooo!
>> stephen: hey. thanks so much, everybody. welcome to the late show. i'm your host, stephen colbert. happy martin luther king day, everybody. (applause) can we get a shot of the dome? is it possible? (applause) that's up there all the time. it just happens to be fitting tonight. (laughter) for anyone who had today off, i hope you sell braited in the traditional way by sleeping in so you too could have a dream. (laughter) donald trump observed the holiday by visiting the national
museum of african-american history, or more accurately, canceling his visit to the national museum of african-american history. although i guess in a way that might be good. the last thing we need is trump learning more about segregation trump's been very busy, very busy guy. very busy guy. (applause) that one's for you, sir. trump spent the weekend attacking civil rights icon john lewis on twitter. now to be fair, congressman lewis kind of started started ie appeared on the goatee report with chuck todd and said this. >> i don't see president-elect as a legitimated president. >> you do not consider him a legitimate president. why is that? >> i think the russians participated in helping this man get elected. >> stephen: strong words,
strong, accurate words. (applause). >> stephen: in response to this opinion, trump tweeted, congressman lewis should spend more time on fixing and helping his district which is in horrible shape and falling part. not to mention crime infested, rather than falsely complain being the election result. all talk talk talk, no action or results. sad. yes. well said. john lewis is all talk, talk, talk. unlike a real leader like trump who is all tweet, tweet, tweet. so (applause). >> jon: tbeet tweet, tweet, tweet. >> stephen: so trump spent the martin luther king weekend attacking a civil rights leader who marched and was beaten with
dr. king. what is he going to do on easter, loser jesus dead for three days, then wakes up, fake news, i like gods who don't die, where is the rebirth certificate. (cheers and applause) z i don't get it i get t i get. >> stephen: budda you're fat. (laughter) trump has been lashing out at a lot of people lately. he's even lashed out at his friend with benefits, the media. there is a rumor going around, just started this last week that trump may evict the press from their offices in the white house. he has got to he's got to make room-- he's got to make room for
putin's d o.j. o in case are you wondering, this is not normal. reporters have had a workspace in the white house since teddy roosevelt. fun fact, back then the roosevelt room was just called the room. (laughter) now why would trump kick the press out of the white house? according to an anonymous member of the transition team the press is quote the opposition party. i want them out of the building. so there you have it. the free press joins trump and-- along with intelligence agencies, civil rights leaders, meryl streep, and nonabsorb abt hotel mat-- absorbent hotel mattresses. (applause) but i'll tell you one thing, i hope that russian mattress wasn't a memory foam or-- or
that mattress is going to wake up screaming some day. but mike pence, remember mike pence? mike pence wants you to know it's something sinnister here. >> esquire has a report that the trump administration is thinking of moving the press out of the white house. is that a logistical move or peun tiff move. >> no decision has been made on that yet. the white house is actually 18 acres. they're giving some consideration to finding a larger venue on the 18 acres. >> stephen: yeah, and if they can't find room for them in the white house, they will just send the press to that farm upstate. you know, they will be happier running around chasing rabbits and ethic violations with your childhood dog. but if the press is being kicked out because they are the enemy, then why do they also want them to have more room. according to trump press secretary, this is about greater
accessibility, more people in the process. oh, okay so they want to get rid of the press, but make room for more reporters who aren't the opposition. i wonder what that would look like. to see what that looks like, we've obtained this exclusive footage of my imagination. hmmmm. >> mr. president, mr. president, sarah miller, true patriot.power flag, please report on the totally real news that nancy pelosi is running a sex ring in the pizza basement. >> we bunk the news, you can please exexplain why are you so great. >> mr. president, mr. president. >> frank dewit from frank dewit's facialbook page. what can i say to my mef u brian at din tore make him look like a real sissy in front of his girlfriend. >> mr. president, mr. president, mr. president. >> from the burger king kings menu. what is your favorite menu item. >> mr. president.
>> cnn, mr. president the scandals continue to amalgamate-- . >> stephen: i hope he's okay. (applause) wow, my imagination takes a long time to get into and which get out of it really fast. here's some things he might have to answer some questions about fairly soon. there has been some trouble with the inauguration we styed-- besides who is been inaugurated. this past weekend after it was announced that she would definitely be performing for trump, broadway store jennifer holliday has pulled out of the event. (applause) so talented. such a talented, loverly lady. and i believe we have footage of her official statement to the inaugural committee. ♪ i'm not going.
>> stephen: that's fair. that's fair. but as we talked on friday, i told you this on friday, one of trump's big guests was springsteen cover act the b street band. but now they've also withdrawn from the inaugural. (applause) they're out. >> the b street band. >> jon: get the c street band. >> stephen: thissive goes trumps no choice now but to book my musical act, the g street band, new jersey best b street band cover band the songs you love covered and then those covers are covered again by us. now-- (applause) here's some shocking news. ringling brothers and barnum and bailey is officially sutting down. yeah.
apparently, apparently-- apparently the circus doesn't think they could compete against a trump presidency. (laughter) makes sense. plus, what with all-- what with all the marriages, he does have three rings. thank you very much. thank you. thank you. you're very kind. exactly what that deserved, thank you, joe. it's too bad the circus employs 500 people who are now sadly packing their things and all getting too a single clown car. (laughter) this is sad news for every kid threatening to run away and join the circus. and also sad news for every parent with a creepy old-fashioned kid who still says stuff like that. this really is, i believe, the end of an era. since the ringling brothers circus has been running for 146 years. which it makes it the second
longest running show in history right after the sampsons. (laughter) -- simpsons. now the circus won't officially close until may, so if you did not get a chance to see it, you had 150 years. no one feels bad for you. but the circus tradition, the circus tradition may live on with this administration. after all pt barnum was a famous showman and self-promoter who ended up going into politics late in life. and while trump wrote the art of the 2k50e8, barnum actually wrote a book called the art of money getting. it's an awkward title but he hadn't read the art of word using yet. and of course, though pt barnum is famous for saying there is a sucker born every minute, donald trump is famous for proving it it. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: first let's talk about obamacare. tonight's werd. stick around. ,,,,
>> jon: i'm born in 1986. >> stephen: you weren't even born when that song came out. you know what album that is from? >> jon: is it hotter than july. >> stephen: exactly right. i thought i could tv stump you but i could not. >> jon: no, no, no. >> stephen: i apologize for even attempting. it's not only martin luther king day stvment also obama's last week in office. and of course-- obama is determined to protect his entire legacy. and republicans are just as determined to make sure his entire legacy was that time he wore mom jeans. (laughter) they are going to get rid of everything he's done starting with the affordable care act. which they have already voted to kill more than 60 times. you know the old saying f at first you don't succeed, tie try try try, try, try, try try try try, try, try, try, try try try try try, try, try, try, try try try try, try, try, try, try try
try try, try try, try try try try, try, try, try try try try, try try try try again. and this time-- is that right? is that right. >> jon: that was right. >> stephen: let me do my math. now this time the republicans mean it. republican senator mike enzi-of-wyoming said the obamacare bridge is collapsing and we're ending in a rescue team. one of those rescue teams that tears down bridges and goes home. yesterday donald trump tried to assure people currently covered by the law that he has a plan. it's not going to be their plan. it will be another plan. but they will be beautifulfully covered. >> stephen: oh, don't worry, if you are losing your obamacare you will be beautifulfully covered. either by insurance or six feet of dirt. either way, just beautiful. so nice. so beautiful. we're going to tramp the dirt down, we'll tramp it down all smooth. it's going to be beautiful. so we know republicans, we know
republicans are going to replace it. and they haven't told us with what. but i think they've given us a hinted. and that brings us to tonight's werd. repeal and erase. everyone in the gop is on board with kill og bamacare. and president elect trump knows how it's going to go down. >> it will be repeal and replace. it it will be essentially simultaneously. it will be various segments, you understand, but will most likely be on the same day or the same week but probably the same day. could be the same hour. >> stephen: yeah. same hour, same minute, maybe the same second, hell, all things in history may happen at exactly the same time if congress can just get the delorean to generate 1.21
jiggawatts. >> thank you, senator sanders. just one problem. (cheers and applause) there's just one problem with their plan to repeal and replace. it's the replace part. just ask republican senator and mom's first boyfriend after the tors-- divorce tom cotton. he said quote we haven't coalesced around a solution for six years in part because it's so complicated. yeah, it's just so darn complicated. republicans are like a dog that finally catches the car he's been chasing for six years. he crashes into it, then can't even go to the vet because they repealed fido-care. and here's the thing. repeal without replace could cause political backlash because under obamacare 20 million people have gotten health insurance.
over 6 million of whom are trump's core supporters. they are white, white, white working class voters. and repealing obamacare without replacing it would cost 3 million jobs. what are those people going to do for work. and it's estimated, it's estimated the repeal would cost $1.5 trillion. now 1.5 trillion might sound like a lot, but for that much money, you also don't get health insurance. of course we won't know the official numbers until the congressional budget office releases its report which by law it must do for any bill over $5 billion. with one, this is kind of funny exception, thanks to new rules passed by the republicans, this law shall not apply to repealing the affordable care act. that's right. the gop is so confident the repeal will save money, that they don't want to know if
that's true. and if congress can make it illegal for us to know how much it costs to repeal obamacare, i think they might have stumbled on the replacement. just make it illegal for your doctor to tell you your diagnosis. that way, that way you'll never need insurance as far as you know. well, mr. johnston, have i your chart right here. let's see. and i can't legally tell you how you are. u h, just make the most of your day. and here's a hint, don't worry about the expiration dates on your food. your milk's going to be fine. so republicans, soo republicans are right to keep news the dark. i know when someone is screwing me, i like to keep the lights off. and that's the werd. stick around, we have sarah paul
♪ ♪ >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my first guest tonight just won a golden globe for the people versus o.j. simpson, american crime story. please welcome sarah paulsen. (applause) >> hi s this one mine? >> stephen: that one is yours. mine is over here. your ises cold, mine is hot. >> yours is hot. >> stephen: mine is hot coffee. >> no one ever told me-- no, just hot water. because it's cold in here, no,
anyone? >> stephen: that's called comedy weather. >> i've heard about it i've heard of the cold. >> stephen: if you are close to chattering your teeth, it's very close to laughing at the same time, just out of freeze that you might freeze you just start to giggle. the last time were you here-- you. >> i really thought-- it was probably not a super great look. guppy mouth is not good. >> stephen: there. >> you like it? >> stephen: i made a career with that mouth. >> me too, weirdly. >> stephen: the last time you were here you won an emmy and a golden globe. congratulations. (cheers and applause) >> thank you. >> stephen: oh my god, our sew warm. now okay, listen, at this point, at this point, are you tired of being grateful publicly? because people are going-- i didn't expect it, did you really not expect it or. >> i haven't watched it, so i don't know-- . >> stephen: haven't watched what. >> people versus o.j., american
crime story. >> jon: what? >> you hadn't watched it the last time but that is like nine months ago. >> i have seen everybody else's work who has been nominated and i think is easier to sit in your chair if you are clapping for someone else if you don't know what you did. i could have been super stinky, and like oh yeah, that girl totally deserves it it. it is easier to just-- so i haven't watched it. >> stephen: it's very good. it's very good which i hope so. >> stephen: so you are doing this sort of self-defensively. >> yeah, i'm protecting myself from the trauma that is losing. >> stephen: so if you lose and never saw you. >> then i go, i might have really, really been stinky. >> stephen: wow. >> yeah. >> stephen: and you were nominated because of graft? because. >> they. >> stephen: felt bad. >> they felt bad for me. >> stephen: that is what hollywood has, a huge heart. >> yeah, that's probably not-- . >> stephen: when someone else wins, because i'm sure you have been nominated before and not won that happens. >> just like six times. >> stephen: when you sit there, what goes through.
>> you clap, and you think i hope i look normal. and like not like i'm dying inside. >> stephen: do you ever like, the trip for me is i turn to the person next to me and do i this. are you my friend, i have just lost, ready. you are my friend in this scenario. >> you have a friend. >> stephen: and the winner is not you. oh yeah. that's a good thing to do. >> stephen: that's really good. and you look up there, and you go. >> yeah, so happy for you. yes, you, you, so good. >> stephen: fantastic. but inside are you like-- you fall into a pit of viepers. >> >> stephen: you cuz i do watch myself. >> you do watch yourself, good for you. >> stephen: yeah, i need the ratings. (laughter) is this true, because have i something here, and it is either, we either have vermin in the house or this is actually marcia clark's wig. you actually travel with your marcia clark wig everywhere you go. >> i do. i travel-- . >> stephen: smells great.
>> it-- i travel with t i take it with me to hotel rooms before i get ready for these events because i-- . >> stephen: did you wear it the night before you came here. >> i did. it is just a way of communing with the thing that had been so great. which was wearing this thing. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> on my head. do you want to try it it on. >> stephen: i would love to try it on. (applause) your honor, but if he made it to rockingham by 11:00, where did he hide the knife. >> is that what i did? was i like that. >> stephen: exactly, exactly, my impression of you. wow, i feel empowered. >> i do. i like to carry around. it is really nice to see it. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> you can unhand it now? >> stephen: no, you. >> i like to keep it it close.
(laughter) you're such a good boy. >> stephen: i understand you also, to get in character you wore her perfumeness i did wear her perfume. her extremely stinky perfume it was not a good scent. people could smell-- . >> stephen: what was it. >> it was called magin noir. >> stephen: black magic. >> sort of earthy, seductive and also the bottom of a tin can. it's not good. >> stephen: who seduce the hobo in your life. >> or seduce no one in your life because it was not good. >> stephen: so you wore it. >> i would wear t like acting juice, i would sort of sniff it right before they would call action. >> stephen: i would buy a perfume called acting juice. sarah paulsen, acting juice. spray it on. >> spray it on, see what happens. yeah. >> stephen: do you know how a lot of stars, a lot of people smell, have you smelled other famous people. >> i smelled cher. i smelled the back of cher's head. >> stephen: let me ask you
this, is cher finding out about this right now? >> she might be. >> stephen: okay. and why, why did you sniff cher. >> because i really love cher. >> stephen: who doesn't. >> i know, but i think a lot of people love her for her music, which i do. but i think she is one of the great actresses. so i was in her presence and i really wanted to go up to her because but i was too nervous. so i went up to the back of her and sort of pushed my noation-- like between her hair-- like part of it. and just had a little-- i just hung out there for the count of 11,000, 2, 1,000 57bd i think she was about to turn around but i jumped and went back. it was just, involved something like. this. >> stephen: snap out of it. >> i don't think i can. >> stephen: snap out of it. >> snap out of it, that's not good, i wouldn't give us an emmy or anything for that. >> stephen: okay, i will put this back in. >> but don't take it it from me. have i to have it. >> stephen: i have one other thing to talk to you about. you do not smoke, right. >> no. >> stephen: you smoked a lot as this character. >> yeah. >> stephen: and we have your brand of cigarettes here that
you were smoking which is the best grand of cigarettes. it's cigarette brand cigarettes. the finest brand of here you are smoking right here. but like in every scene your character sunday so much pressure, you are lighting up and just smoking that cigarette with unbelievable-- every scene you had sparking up again and really, i hope the cigarette was nominated. and i was hoping that right now you and i who neither of whom smoke nor do we approve of smoking, right. >> no, no. >> stephen: very officially do not approve of smoking, we're going to smoke right now, okay. and i would like us to do some famous lines that do not normally involve cigarettes but we're going to add cigarettes and show how cigarettes make the moment more dramatic. >> and exciting, yeah. >> stephen: you want to start first? this is, what is this called. >> puff puff act with sawr appall sen. -- sarah paulsen.
>> stephen: sarah, why don't you start us off. >> i'm singing in the rain. just, just singing in the rain. what a glorious feeling. i'm happy again. >> stephen: look, look, here's the thing. >> yeah, stephen. >> stephen:-- fear leads to daryng, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering, okay. >> okay sns sunny day, sleeping the clouds away. on my way to where the air is sweet, you can it tell me, you can tell me how to get to "sesame street." >> stephen: emmy please!
who's next? i'm next. after her. after him. the cma certification. you've got to earn it. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: i'm awfully excited about my next guest, is he a golden globe nominated actor known for the strain and house of cards. now in a if you new film, gold. please welcome corey stoll. (applause). >> stephen: nice to meet you. nice to meet you, never met you before. but are you one of my favorite actors. not just for house of cards or
antman but yeah, you are also hilarious as earnest hemmingway in midnight in paris. you can do it all. you are a native new yorker, right. >> i am, yeah. >> stephen: did you grow up in the city? in manhattan or. >> yeah, upper west side. >> stephen: i don't know many people who grew up in manhattan. what was it like as a kid, what year, '70s. >> yeah, 7 0see, 80z. >> stephen: it was a rough time. >> it was not the dignified version that we have right now. >> stephen: uh-huh. now are you not running. >> there was no m & m store. >> stephen: so were your parents, were you a free range kid, would you parents let you roam around the city? >> yeah, i was-- i was a really big kid. like i was the kind of kid-- . >> stephen: what do you mean? >> people thought i was a couple years older. like you know, people would sort of look at my mother, sort of with sympathy that, you know, they thought that i was seven when i was five. and i was-- i was developpally a
five year old but you know. i looked like a ten year old. >> stephen: okay, all right. and they look at your mother because-- when were you born you were two years old? so were you not worried at all. new york was a little trashy at the time. >> if they were worried, they didn't betray that worry. >> stephen: did you have to carry like mugger money in your pocketed so you would have something to give to the criminals who were coming to black jack you. >> i usually did and i gave it up freely. i knew not to fight, in fact, i had never been in a fight. but i was-- my parents actually, i didn't learn this until years ago but i started walking to school with a friend of mine. we were about ten years old. and my parents said you're walking to school with him. and i said well, okay. we were not really friends but okay. and i found out later that his parents had offered to hire me to walk him to school.
>> stephen: you were hired. your parents were pitching you out as a body guard. >> luckily, they didn't take the money. >> stephen: okay. >> i'm not quite clear sure what i would have done in the situation. there was a gang called the decepticons. >> stephen: yeah, this gang was-- it was the scariest thing. >> stephen: and they fought the transfoarms. >> there were no oughtobots to protect us. >> stephen: did you ever have to deal with them? >> no, i didn't. i was ten years old. what was i going to do. >> stephen: you would have said i'm only ten but i look like i'm 12. pack up, i look like i'm very close to puberty. >> yeah. >> stephen: you have just received a great honor. buzzfeed, that failing pile of garbage has ranked the sexiest bald actors, okay. i got to till, you really do-- you pull it off nicely. you sometimes have hair though,
like as earn east hemingway you had hair, do you like the roles where you have to wear the hair piece, it is a change of pace, this is what might have been? >> i never would have had hair that good. i did, i mean, when i was ten i had a lovely head of hair. i wasn't always like this. >> stephen: it looked like the hair of a 12 year old. >> what was the question? >> stephen: i don't know. i don't know. give me your lunch money, that was the question. (laughter) give it up easily. well, here's the thing. not everybody can be sexy. i actually had my graphics department make this to show, this is-- this is a sexy bald man, okay. sexy bald men. here is. >> seeing how long they were going to clap. in is not a sexy bald man. doesn't work for everyone. it just doesn't work for everyone. i very lucky, you have nicely shaped head, symmetrical ears,
congratulations. you didn't originally want to be an actor. i understand you wanted to be the really sexy part in acting, you wanted to be the stage manager. >> yes. >> stephen: why did you want to be the guy with the clip board? >> well, the met poll-- metropolitan opera does this program with elementary schools. they come to public elementary schools around new york and help develop musicals. and we did that. and i think they were worried that nobody wanted to be the stage manager. and so they really sold it. like this is-- . >> stephen: how did they. >> this is the position you want. you don't want to be an actor. you have to stay thin. here is a donut. >> stephen: the kid, the kid losing his hair, you want to be a stage manager. >> but i was convinced to be an actor. and i have-- . >> stephen: thank gods you were. thank god. now your new fim, which i'm very excited about seeing is with another sexy man, matthew
mcconaughey. it is the story called golding with which i understand is based on a true story. >> yes. >> stephen: what happened that-- what is the movie b my friend? >> it is about what may or may not be the largest gold find in history. and how this very unlikely prospector-- . >> stephen: who is mcconaughey. >> who is mcconaughey comes to own it and sell it and you know-- . >> stephen: you play a banker who learns that there is this giant gold find and started selling the shares. you have the right to-- you invest in the company and take it public, wow. >> yeah. >> stephen: how did you study to be a bank sner how much coke did you do? what did you. >> i had done that research for house of cards. like a congressman. so i had it it in the back pocket. >> stephen: lovely to meet you, corey. gold is in theaters friday, january 27th. corey stoll, everybody.
♪ yeah shake it like beyonce girl you know you thinkin' ♪ it's a pound cake love it when you move, ♪ move it all around bae up and down, ♪ up and down like a sound wave uh, preach, church on the move ♪ two step until your feet hurt in them shoes ♪ dance away the pain, they ain't hurtin' your groove ♪ he a baller but he ain't james worthy of you ♪ i ain't judgin' baby, you know i'ma love you ♪ daddy say you good for me and my momma love you ♪ yeah they hatin' on you, that's so common of 'em ♪ make you hide for me, fresh up out the oven ♪ but uh you turn me to a newer me ♪ i know you wish you had two of me ♪ lowkey baby you a beast whoopty-whoop, super freak ♪ i come to get down everybody get up ♪ don't fight the vibe 'til it hits you ♪ unity get you enough why you sitting? get up ♪ why you sitting? get up yeah gon' fight the power with it ♪ unity get you enough
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>> thank you, that's it for the late show, everybody, tune in tomorrow when my guest will be billy eichner, mel b and gilbert gottfried. stay tuned for james corden. good night. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it's gonna be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from my neighbor's swimming pool, give it up for your host, the one, the only, james corden!