Skip to main content

tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  October 17, 2019 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

11:35 pm
the late show with stephen colbert is next. >> our next newscast tomorrow morning at 4:30. >> have a good night. captioning sponsored by cbs >> you've seen ken burns. you've seen david mamet. you've seen malcolm gladwell. and now, a master class that no one asked for-- "master class trump." >> i know more about drones than anybody. i know about every form of safety that you can have. nobody knows much more about technology, this type of technology, certainly, than i do. i know more about isis than the generals do. believe me. if a windmill is within two miles of your house, your house is practically worthless. ( laughter )
11:36 pm
i know more about steelworkers than anybody that's ever run for office. i know the h1-b. i know the h2-b. nobody knows it better than me. a lot of people don't realize abraham lincoln, the great abraham lincoln, was a republican. ( laughter ) i love the poorly educated! ( laughter ) >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, not so sharpie! plus, stephen welcomes vice president joe biden. and musical guest pixies. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hello! how are you?
11:37 pm
jon! please have a seat, everybody. thank you very much. welcome, welcome, one and all, to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. the big story-- the big story continues to be hurricane dorian, which, as we speak, is churning towards my hometown of charleston, south carolina, which is under a mandatory evacuation. i hope everyone down there stays safe. dorian devastated the bahamas over the weekend. and we all want to help, so last night, i talked to our friend chef jose andres of "world central kitchen," who is in the bahamas right now to feed the survivors. ( cheers and applause ) he is-- he's in nassau. right now, he's in nassau, making meals in the kitchen of his restaurant at the atlantis resort. and i love this: guests at atlantis are joining in the relief effort, with families and their children pitching in the
11:38 pm
kitchens to help make ham and cheese sandwiches. they are-- ( cheers and applause ) yeah. >> jon: that's the right thing to do. that's the right thing to do. >> stephen: they are spending their vacations making sandwiches-- also known as "being a mom." ( applause ) so last night i asked-- last night i asked jose what we could do. and he said, "just tell the audience not to forget these people." so we found charities where you can do your part. go to, and please be generous. and do not forget. and of course donald trump-- you can applaud donald trump if you want. of course, donald trump is trying to help the only way he knows how: by being an old man yelling at wind. ( laughter ) today, in the oval office, our weather-tracker-in-chief explained why dorian has been so hard to forecast. >> it is a very erratic, a very slow, very powerful hurricane. >> stephen: (as trump) "erratic, slow, powerful, and
11:39 pm
destructive. it's like looking in a mirror." ( laughter ) ( applause ) but trump wasn't interested in where the storm is going to go. he wanted to talk more about where the storm was going to go. >> that was the original chart. you see it was going to hit not only florida but georgia. was going toward the gulf. that was what was originally projected. >> stephen: why? why? why, you ask, did trump show a map with an outdated projection of dorian's path instead of one showing where the storm actually went? i'm glad i pretended you asked. ( laughter ) remember the last two days, how he got in a disagreement with the national weather service where he tweeted that the storm was going to hit alabama, and they said "what? no."
11:40 pm
well, take a look at trump's outdated map from last thursday morning. he used a sharpie to extend the path into alabama! he gave the storm a boob job! ( laughter ) (as trump) "i tell you, a couple of high, hard ones. ( applause ) before i did that, it was a category 5. now she's a category 10." ( laughter ) so, obviously, obviously-- i don't think i'm talking out of school when i say that is an insane thing to do. but it could be a criminally insane thing, because a lot of wonks online are pointing out that this breaks title 18, u.s. code 2074, which says it's illegal to knowingly falsely represent a forecast or warning issued by the weather bureau. oh, my god oooh! ( audience reacts ) yeah! a little late. oh, my god! >> audience: ooooh!
11:41 pm
>> stephen: no, we already did it. we already did it. okay. this is what happens when you don't show up for rehearsal! oh, my god! do you know what this means? we finally got him! we finally caught trump doing something wrong! mr. president, you're going to weather jail! because of the fact that the president misrepresented where the water would go, i'm calling this scandal "water-gate." trademark. trade... ( applause ) at an event right after trump's map presentation there in the oval office, a reporter asked him if he had altered the map. and trump cranked his mouth settings to "ramble." >> no, i just know.
11:42 pm
yeah, i know that alabama was in the original forecast. they thought it would get it as a piece of it. it was supposed to go-- actually, we have a better map than that which is gonna be presented where we had many lines going directly, many models-- each line being a model. and they were going directly through. and in all cases, alabama was hit. >> stephen: (as trump) "and i had an even better map than that one, where the line the line-- the line follows the hurricane's path through a maze, and it leads to a treasure chest full of delicious popcorn shrimp from long john silvers. ( laughter ) thank you for your service, captain silvers." ( applause ) "he will be missed." but trump says that the national oceanic and atmospheric administration has another map? can we put that up on screen? no, we can't, because a noaa spokesperson just declined to address trump's doctored dorian map, and also declined to say whether alabama was ever in dorian's possible path.
11:43 pm
the noaa spokesperson then said "ring, ring!" and, "oh i gotta take this, bye- bye." ( laughter ) it was just his hand. there was no phone. ( laughter ) but the reporter pressed on. >> i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. >> stephen: oh, he did it. ( laughter ) you know how i know? because trump has never, ever, ever said he doesn't know anything. that's a sure tell that he knows something. it must be so easy to play poker with this guy. (as trump) "let me just see what i've got here... let me see. i don't be. i don't know. i do not-- i do not have three queens. i do not have-- i do not have three queens. or, if anyone has a sharpie, i do not have four queens. anyone have... any..." ( laughter ) ( applause ) hurricane dorian is another reminder of the urgent need to
11:44 pm
take action on climate change. and today donald trump did just that to make it worse. because his administration just announced they're rolling back rules requiring more energy- efficient light bulbs, which will increase u.s. electricity use by 80 billion kilowatt hours-- roughly the amount of electricity needed to power all households in pennsylvania and new jersey. >> audience: ooooh! >> stephen: that's what you should have done the last time. i was there. >> jon: timing. >> stephen: of course, in pennsylvania dutch country, the amish are going, "who laugheth now, bitches? ( laughter ) ( applause ) really? they said that? that seems like-- that really seems like we made that up. but there must be a good reason for it, right, mr. president? >> on what? >> energy-efficient lightbulbs. >> we will give you a report on that. we're doing a report on all of that.
11:45 pm
but there is a very good rationale when you hear it. ( laughter ) >> stephen: (as trump) "i'm telling you, it's a fantastic rationale, and we had the report already but, unfortunately, it was in alabama, and it was hit by the hurricane. such a sad loss of rationale. such a..." ( applause ) but now there are a bunch of democrats applying to sit in that chair who do care about climate change, and theyalked about it tonight. cnn hosted the 10 major candidates for a climate crisis town hall, which was a seven- hour live event. seven hours is not a town hall! it is a hostage situation! ( laughter ) now, the event started just as i began taping tonight's show, so i have not seen it yet. or ever. but we do know that the candidates will take audience questions about their climate plans. i'm guessing the questions will get a little less focused on
11:46 pm
climate change after hour five. "hi, i'm alice darnell, i'm from des moines, iowa, and my question is, 'does anyone remember what it's like not to be in this room? also, can i pee in the corner?'" ( laughter ) speaking of desperate to leave-- great britain. ( laughter ) they've been trying to brexit the e.u. for three years now, but every time an agreement has been reached, brexit hard-liners have derailed it over something called "the irish backstop"-- which is not, as i assumed, the nickname for a dublin pub floor. no, it's a customs agreement to make sure there's no hard border dividing ireland from northern ireland. the inability to come up with an agreement on this issue caused the resignation of former prime minister and woman not amused by her bubble gum necklace, theresa may. brexit is now in the hands of new prime minister and midlife
11:47 pm
crisis draco malfoy, boris johnson. ( audience boos ) upon taking office, johnson promised to deliver brexit with or without a deal, which might be a problem, because a no-deal brexit would be an economic nightmare and lead to food and medicine shortages in britain. that is horrible. not only will they be without medicine; they're going to have to start eating british food. ( laughter ) either way, either way, there's going to be a lot of spotted dick going around. ( laughter ) look it up. but yesterday, in the house of commons, they debated a bill banning a no-deal brexit. and while johnson was up giving a speech defending his plan, a member of his own party walked over to sit with the opposition, costing johnson his one-vote majority! ( cheers and applause ) what was that? can you imagine? can you imagine? what on earth was that like for
11:48 pm
johnson? (as johnson) "oh this is going quite well! i think people are really liking my speech! that one guy's even giving me a standing-- ohhhhh noooooo." in retaliation, johnson is kicking all 21 of the conservatives who voted against him out of the conservative party, including nicholas soames, who is the grandson of winston churchill. that's like the vatican kicking out jesus' cousin, steve of nazareth. ( laughter ) i don't know why he's got a beer. i don't know why he has the beer. >> dave: what about the wine. >> stephen: i don't understand that. yeah, yeah. it was water before, and then he turned it into an i.p.a. these lawmakers bucking their own party to stand up to an unnaturally blonde man with terrible ideas gives me hope. if they can do it, maybe we can, too! we can, too! ( applause ) great britain is always ahead of us with stuff like this. they elected a woman head of state in 1979.
11:49 pm
and we didn't do that until possibly someday. and standing up to a no-deal brexit isn't the only way that i'm jealous of the british. here's the speaker of the house of commons calling for order during yesterday's debate: >> ordeeeeer. order! very rude for members! ordeeeeeeer! ordeeeer! order! order! i say to you, chancellor of the duchy, that when he turns up at our children's school as a parent, he's a very well- behaved fellow. he wouldn't dare behave like that in front of colin hall, and neither would i. don't geiculate! don't rant! spare us the theatrics. behave yourself! be a good boy, young man! be a good boy! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: why can't we-- why-- why-- why-- why did we ever
11:50 pm
just think of how our lawmakers could sound. instead of, "this appropriations bill will undermine our already dangerously neglected infrastructure," we could have: (british accent) "order! orderrrrr! order! now don't be daft about this proposal, you tolly-wodging git, or i'll tell your grand-mum what i really think of her jammy squares, eh! eh! now, be a good boy, donald! be a good boy, donald. go squatty on the potty!" ( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight. joseph r. biden is here. stick around! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ♪
11:51 pm
(vo) the big dogs. the old dogs. the deaf, blind, the different. subaru presents the underdogs. these shelter dogs still love unconditionally. they're just hoping to find their human, who does too. to help, subaru is establishing national make a dog's day to ask you to please consider adopting an underdog, or do something extra-special for your dog. burrito. raw kitfo fried shiso. pork chop. soda pop. soursop. hot pot. scallop. kebab. (inhale) brussels sprout. sauerkraut. fresh-caught trout. alfalfa sprout. we are america's kitchen. doordash. every flavor welcome. we are america's kitchen. i was on the fence about changing from a manual to an electric toothbrush. but my hygienist said going electric could lead to way cleaner teeth. she said, get the one inspired by dentists, with a round brush head. go pro with oral-b. oral-b's gentle rounded brush head
11:52 pm
removes more plaque along the gum line. for cleaner teeth and healthier gums. and unlike sonicare, oral-b is the first electric toothbrush brand accepted by the ada for its effectiveness and safety. what an amazing clean! i'll only use an oral-b! oral-b. brush like a pro. plaque psoriasis uncoverth clearer skin that can last. in fact, tremfya® was proven superior to humira® in providing significantly clearer skin. tremfya® may increase your risk of infections and lower your ability to fight them.
11:53 pm
tell your doctor if you have an infection or symptoms or if you had a vaccine or plan to. serious alle rmay occur. tremfya®. uncover clearer skin that can last. janssen can help you explore cost support options. (sprint(paul) it's ipswitch and get-sprint. (sprintern) the new iphone 11 or iphone 11 pro with amazing all-new camera systems. and now you can get iphone 11 for (paul) zero-dollars a month when you trade in your iphone 7 or newer in any condition. for people with hearing loss, visit
11:54 pm
aaddiction. how juuline hooked kids and ignited an public health crisis." other news outlets report- juul took $12.8 billion from big tobacco. markets e-cigarettes with kid friendly flavors and uses nicotine to addict them. 5 million kids use e-cigarettes. juul is "following big tobacco's playbook." and now, juul is pushing prop c to overturn e-cigarette protections. vote no on juul. no on big tobacco. no on prop c.
11:55 pm
( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and stay human, everybody! give it up for the band! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nice show. lovely audience. lovely people here tonight. >> jon: great vibe. >> stephen: this is the excitement. it has the excitement of a live show tonight. >> jon: we have a live show coming up. >> stephen: when is the live show? next week? next thursday? next thursday is the democratic debate, next round, we will be live that night from the ed sullivan theater. be there or be scare. ( applause ) you know who is going to be on stage, who is going to be on stage that night on the debate, joe biden is going to be on the stage. >> jon: vice president joe biden, he's going to be on stage. >> stephen: i can't wait. and i don't have to. my guest tonight served as the 47th vice president of these
11:56 pm
united states and is now running for president. please welcome back to "the late show," vice president joseph r. biden! ( applause ) ♪ oh, joe biden oh, joe biden ♪ oh, joe biden oh, joe biden >> where can i get a pair of those? ( applause ) ♪ oh, joe biden ( applause ) ♪ oh, joe biden ( applause ) >> stephen: you want to leave while you're peaking? ( applause ) ( cheers )
11:57 pm
sir, welcome back. >> good to be back. good to be back. >> stephen: nice to see you. this is-- i think this is the third or fourth time you've-- fourth time you've been on the show. haven't talked to you in over a year. what's new? what's going going-- >> nothing much. things going the same. you know, we have-- there's no global warming. don't worry about any of that. and everything's going well. the nation is in great shape. and the rest of the world is looking at us with envy. ( laughter ). >> stephen: okay, okay. >> can i leave now? >> stephen: sure, sure. now, you once said to me-- >> uh-oh. >> stephen: no, no, no, it's fine. it's good. you said, "do you want to be the most popular guy in america?" do you remember what the answer was? >> no. >> stephen: you said, "announce you're not running for president." >> that's exactly right. >> stephen: okay. now you have announced that you are running for president-- spoiler alert. and you're still pretty darn popular. >> well, i guess they don't know me yet.
11:58 pm
i don't know. >> stephen: how-- this is the-- this is the third time that you're running for president. you're the front-runner. what have you learned from your two previous-- pardon my accuracy-- unsuccessful campaigns for president? what are you doing differently this time, sir? >> well, a couple of things. pointing out that-- look, my dad used to have an expression. he said, "joey don't compare me to the almighty. compare me to the alternative." and the alternative is -- >> stephen: when-- when did your dad say that? i want to know when he gave you that advice? >> he gave me that advice a long-- look, all kidding aside. i'm in a situation where i hadn't-- you and i talked about this on one of the previous shows i was on, when my son was going through some tough times, and after he passed. and you said i should run. and that's why i'm running. it's your fault.
11:59 pm
>> stephen: all right, i'll accept the blame. i'll accept the blame. ( applause ). >> but, look -- >> stephen: just to follow up on that, the first time i talked to you was shortly after your son beau died, and you had given it serious thought and you said you can't do that unless you're 100%. when did you get to 100%? when did you know, "this is something i have to do," for yourself? >> charlottesville. when those folks came out of the field carrying torches with contorted faces and carrying nazi flags and chanting the same anti-semitic bile that was chanted in the streets of germany in the '30s, accompanied by the white supremacists and ku klux klan. and, you know, those spewing hate were met by people who said, "not in my town." and a young woman was killed. when the president was asked about it, he said-- they asked what he thought-- and he said, "i thought there were very fine people on both sides."
12:00 am
no president, sitting president has ever said anything like that, making a moral equivalence between haters and those folks who said, "no, no, not in my town." and i realized that things weren't going to change very much with this president and i think that we have to-- and i wrote a piece for "the atlantic magazine" at the time saying we have to restore the soul of this country. because i really do believe that we're at a place that we haven't been in a long, long time, and a president has taken us there. and all you had to do was look at the people who-- who gave him credit for what he said. david duke, the former head of the ku klux klan said-- i'm paraphrasing-- "this is why we elected him. this is why we elected him." and playing on fears and the divisions in the country is-- is-- that's not who we are as a country.
12:01 am
and we have to restore the soul of this country. and i really mean it. ( applause ) >> stephen: a lot of people-- a lot of people look to your candidacy and have said very specifically that if you were to be elected, part of the appeal is returning to a pre-trump normalcy. do we want a pre-trump normalcy? because the pre-trump normalcy gave us donald trump. it's not like he's not the problem, but there were conditions, certain aspects of people's lives that led to wanting a donald trump. what would you change about america so that we don't get another donald trump? >> well, first of all, america has changed drastically since we left office. and the problems the next president is going to inherit are fundamentally different than just going back to a pre-trump era. we're in trouble around the world. we've dissed our allies. we've embraced our enemies.
12:02 am
we're in a position where we no longer lead by the power of our example at home. we're in a situation where people have been divided against each other, based on race and religion and ethnicity, and so on. and so i think it requires a whole different set of initiatives. and the thing that really bothers me the most, though, stephen, is we are so well positioned, but for this administration, to-- to lead the world in the 21st century. we have more available to us in this country. we have more opportunities. we're the largest economy. we have the greatest research universities in the world. we're in a situation where our workers are more productive than they are in other parts of the world. and here we are, walking around with our heads down, "woe is me. what are we going to do?" damn it. this is the united states of america. time to pick our heads up and move.
12:03 am
( cheers and applause ) and if i may finish, i think that's what happened is there has been a reckoning, a reckoning that people-- everybody knows who donald trump is, even his supporters. they make no-- they have no illusions about who he is. and we've got to let people know who we are. we choose science over fiction. we choose unity over division. we choose, you know, hope over fear. this is-- we have to demonstrate what's possible now. and people are prepared to say, "god, i didn't realize this was going to happen. this is what did happen. this is what we can change." and i think the public is ready for a real significant change where we take back who we are, remind people of who we are, and begin to lead the world again. ( applause ) >> stephen: why will voters necessarily care about trump's character and values? because he didn't come off as a
12:04 am
choir boy before he was elected. >> no. >> stephen: asking and i think there are some voters who kind of want a jerk in office. the same people who wanted dick cheney to walk on the dark side. like, to overtly say that they're not going to play by the rules. maybe-- >> well, look, we've always had this-- john meacham, and we talked a lot about this, and there's always this struggle. american history has not been a fairy tale. we've been down this road before. we've been down this road for example in the '20s. meacham writes about it. 1925, people in full ku klux klan garb walking down the street. and what happened though is in order to deal with that percentage of the population that's always been on the dark side is that the rest of the nation stood up-- not just republican and democratic
12:05 am
presidents stood up. but you also had the news media standing up. you had communities standing up, ordinary people, volunteer groups. they said, "not here. that's not who we are." >> stephen: we have to take a little bit of a break, sir. we'll be right back with vice president joseph r. biden. ( applause ) just get one of me looking off. how is she there and we're here? condoms. true. don't hate-like their trip, book yours with and get rewarded basically everywhere. be there. do that. get rewarded. it's not "acceptabled or nothing."" and it's definitely not "close enough or nothing." mercedes-benz suvs were engineered
12:06 am
with only one mission in mind. to be the best. in the category, in the industry... in the world. lease the gla 250 suv for just $329 a month at your local mercedes-benz dealer. mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. o♪ ozempic®! ♪ oh! oh! (announcer) people with type 2 diabetes are excited about the potential of once-weekly ozempic®. in a study with ozempic®, a majority of adults lowered their blood sugar and reached an a1c of less than 7 and maintained it. oh! under 7? (announcer) and you may lose weight. in the same one-year study, adults lost on average up to 12 pounds. oh! up to 12 pounds? (announcer) a two-year study showed that ozempic® does not increase the risk of major cardiovascular events like heart attack, stroke, or death. oh! no increased risk? (announcer) ozempic® should not be the first medicine for treating diabetes, or for people with type 1 diabetes or diabetic ketoacidosis. do not share needles or pens. don't reuse needles. do not take ozempic® if you have a personal
12:07 am
or family history of medullary thyroid cancer, multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2, or if you are allergic to ozempic®. stop taking ozempic® and get medical help right away if you get a lump or swelling in your neck, severe stomach pain, itching, rash, or trouble breathing. serious side effects may happen, including pancreatitis. tell your doctor if you have diabetic retinopathy or vision changes. taking ozempic® with a sulfonylurea or insulin may increase the risk for low blood sugar. common side effects are nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, stomach pain, and constipation. some side effects can lead to dehydration, which may worsen kidney problems. i discovered the potential with ozempic®. ♪ oh! oh! oh! ozempic®! ♪ (announcer) if eligible, you may pay as little as $25 per prescription. ask your health care provider today about once-weekly ozempic®.
12:08 am
♪ ♪ ♪ the holidays begin here at the disneyland resort.
12:09 am
( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back. we're talking with former vice president joe biden. mr. vice president, you want to talk about issues, but a lot of people want to talk about your gaffes. >> me? >> stephen: you have called yourself a "gaffe machine." okay? in the last few weeks you've confused new hampshire for vermont, said bobby kennedy and m.l.k. were assassinated in the late '70s, assured us, "i'm not going nuts." follow-up question, "are you going nuts?" ( laughter ). >> look, the reason i came on the "jimmy kimmel show" is because i'm not.
12:10 am
( laughter ) i-- i-- i got it. ( applause ) hey, look. >> stephen: okay, fine. i'm fine. that's good. that's going to make rest of this easier. is it fair-- is it fair or unfair to get after you because of your gaffes? >> look, i think it's fair to go after a political figure for anything, okay? i mean, we stand up and it comes with the territory. but here's the deal. any gaffe that i have made-- and i've made gaffes, like every politician i know has-- have been not about a substantive issue. have been about other-- i'm trying to talk about what other people have done. like, for example they made a big deal of my saying they pinned a medal on two people-- who i did-- but, anyway, i pinned a medal on two people and the dates, et cetera. et cetera. >> stephen: they said the branch of the military was wrong, and
12:11 am
the date was wrong, and the act he was awarded for was wrong, and the medal was wrong. ( laughter ) and what position you held at the time-- all of those were fact checked for you. and you said that details don't matter, or details aren't serious? >> it doesn't matter. i was not talking about me. i was praising what the valor of all these people out there that i visited in over 20 visits in afghanistan and iraq, and i've watched these people, and i've watched what they've done. and i was pointing out the young man who i did pin the medal on, he didn't want the medal because his buddy had been killed as we- - as he was being dragged out of a burning humvee. and he said, "don't pin that on me." >> stephen: i know the man who actually, who said that, "don't pin it on me" said the important thing for him was you empathized with him, you understood the emotional state he was in, which he sorely needed right then. >> it's a different thing to say when you're talking about
12:12 am
honoring the bravery or the sacrifice or what other people went through. and the essence of it is absolutely true. the fact that i said that i was vice president, well, in one case, i was vice president- elect. the other case i was a senator. i'm not sure that's relevant. but i don't-- you know, i don't get wrong things like-- you know, there is-- we should lock kids up in cages at the border. i mean, i don't-- ( applause ) i think there's a difference whether you're talking about somebody else. >> stephen: just a follow-up, just to follow up here, you told npr that the details are irrelevant. >> those details are irrelevant when the point i was making was absolutely relevant. >> stephen: some of the details are relevant. that's where the devil lives. >> the devil lives in the details if the details you're talking about would affect the outcome of something that is about to happen or should happen. and the idea that, you know, i
12:13 am
made the case that these folks are heroes and we should treat them as that and we should be thankful to them, i don't think the detail of whether or not it was at a fob in the upper kunar valley, which one of them was, is particularly relevant. >> stephen: we have to take a break. when we come back, we will do a lightning round with vice president joe biden. stick with us. ( ♪ ) only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. they release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. tylenol®. for fast pain relief. [ "turn around, look at me" ♪ there is someone ♪ walking behind you ♪ turn around ♪ look at me ♪ there is someone
12:14 am
♪ look at me i am totally blind. and non-24 can throw my days and nights out of sync, keeping me from the things i love to do. talk to your doctor, and call 844-214-2424. full of tasty, good for you ingredients. fresh and filling. so that you too will be full of good. try our new warm grain bowls today. order now on ubereats.
12:15 am
oh! you got a fast one there just can't get him to slow down this class will help with that we get it... you got it! we're petsmart! in a vast desert completely wdevoid of basset hounds. [ back in baby's arms by patsy cline ] then, it appeared a beacon of hope. ♪ i'm back in baby's arms more glorious than a billion sunsets. we were found. ♪ i'm back where i belong found by the hounds. ♪ back in baby's arms ever since you brought me home, that day. i've been plotting to destroy you. sizing you up... calculating your every move. you think this is love? this is a billion years of tiger dna just ready to pounce. and if you have the wrong home insurance coverage,
12:16 am
you could be coughing up the cash for this. so get allstate and be better protected from mayhem, like me-ow. the roomba i7+ with cleanngter base automatic dirt disposal and allergenlock™ bags that trap 99% of allergens, so they don't escape back into the air. if it's not from irobot, it's not a roomba™
12:17 am
12:18 am
>> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back. we're here with joe biden, having a lovely conversation about all kinds of stuff. sir, it's time for lightning round. are you ready? >> yes. >> stephen: okay, are you capable of giving quick answers? >> no. ( laughter ). >> stephen: okay, here we go. we're in the competition for the democratic nomination. what do you say to democratic voters who say that you are not progressive enough, that incremental change is not what we need right now, and that bernie sanders or elizabeth warren, who are calling for broader, systemic change, are what we need right now? >> look at my record. everything i've done is really significant and i'd be happy to talk about the details. medicare for all. we don't have -- >> stephen: are you in favor of medicare for all? >> no, $30 trillion. i'm in favor of taking obamacare, restoring it, adding a public option. making sure everybody has access to it. >> stephen: do you think the republicans will play along with you for that? because the republicans will not
12:19 am
do anything with you, you realize? >> that's not true. but on this it is. what happens is where they disagree with you, you have to go out and beat them, like we did in 2018 on the very issue of health care. >> stephen: why would they be nicer to you than barack obama. he was a nice guy? >> he was a nice guy. i got a lot of things done. the recovery act, almost $90 billion -- >> stephen: not one republican in congress voted for it. >> i got three republicans -- >> stephen: senators. no one in the house of representatives. >> but they were republicans and i got it passed. they changed their vote, and i got it passed. ( applause ) it doesn't mean that that will happen again. >> stephen: you have stressed your electability. after trump was elected, does electability mean anything anymore? and i mean that semiseriously. where are the standards? >> the standard is-- look, i've been around a long time. the good and bad news is all these people think they know me. they know a lot of things about me. they know the things that are
12:20 am
real about me. they know the things that are noreal. so it's a lot harder for people to go out and make the case for this or that. and i've been around a lot of years. a lot of me they don't like, a lot they do like. electability is whether they think i'm straight forward, whether i'm honest with them, whether i'm going into a position where i do what i say i'm going to do. i say what i'm going to do and i do it. that's all i can say. ( applause ) >> stephen: you said-- and i know i'm getting the wrap over here, but i'm going to blow a little bit. you said your campaign is not a continuation of barack obama's administration. what would you differ with him on? like, look back to four years ago, what would you guys change? what should you have done differently? >> look, he pulled us out of a god-awful recession, prevented a depression, and the biggest thing was not one single
12:21 am
solitary piece of illegitimate action took place in the united states presidency. not one. ( applause ). >> stephen: no indictments, no-- >> but-- but the world's changed. we need health care for all. we tried to get it done. we couldn't. now people have figured out. guess what? we agree. we need health care for everybody. >> stephen: have you called him for advice? >> i've called-- i talk to barack -- >> stephen: when is last time you talked to him? >> i guess now it's about three, four weeks ago. >> stephen: okay. would you appoint him to the supreme court? >> hell... ( cheers and applause ) yes. i don't think he'd do it, but -- >> stephen: he was a constitutional professor at the university of chicago. >> no, no, i understand. he's fully qualified, fully qualified. >> stephen: have you asked michelle obama for advice? >> only to be my vice president. ( cheers and applause ) i'm only joking! michelle, i'm joking. that was a joke. >> stephen: she said-- she said
12:22 am
famously, "when they go low. we go high." you said i'd like to take that guy behind the high school gym and beat the hell out of him. >> well, that's -- >> stephen: which one is it going to be, sir? >> let's put it in context. i was asked, "don't you wish you were debating barack obama-- excuse me, after the obama administration, don't you wish you were debating trump now?" and i said, "if he said what he said about women in front of my sister in high school, i would take him behind the gym." and i shouldn't even have said that, but it was about high school. ( applause ). >> stephen: sir, thank you so much for being here. i think-- i think we've got to go, unfortunately. please come back. >> i will. >> stephen: the debate. we're covering it live, next thursday. we're going to have a show afterwards. you're going to be on stage with elizabeth warren for the first time. >> yes. >> stephen: give me a preview. are we going to have the old jack johnsons out? how is it going to be? rough and tumble. is it going to be broad
12:23 am
systematic change or what people say is incrementalism? they're looking for a fight. >> there is no incrementalism in what i'm proposing. >> stephen: what is the boldest thing you would change? >> the boldest thing i would change is climate change. i would invest $400 billion, change the way we invest. think about this-- if we took the money available to us and we invested it in a-- in health care in a way to find cures, i have forgotten more about the cancer fight than most people know. we could, in fact, be curing major pieces of cancer. we could take out alzheimer's. there's so much we can do that is bold, very bold. and i'm the only one proposing. >> stephen: sir, thank you so much for being here. see you next thursday. vice president joe biden, everybody! we've got a performance by pixies coming up, stick around. v8 only has 5 grams of sugar. this smoothie has over three times as much.
12:24 am
so maybe we should call this smoothie: sweetie. v8. the original plant-powered drink. veg up. goldi knows to never compromise. too shabby! too much! too perfect! i can rent this? for that price? absolutely. what is this, some kind of fairy tale? it's just right! book your just right rental at oh! baby bear! (sprint(paul) it's ipswitch and get-sprint. (sprintern) the new iphone 11 or iphone 11 pro with amazing all-new camera systems. and now you can get iphone 11 for (paul) zero-dollars a month when you trade in your iphone 7 or newer in any condition. for people with hearing loss, visit burrito. raw kitfo. fried shiso.
12:25 am
french fry. iced chai. tasty. pad thai. baked pie. half stack. taco pack. lobster mac. baby back. pork chop. soda pop. kebab. soursop. hot pot. i'm hungry now. noodle soup. cantaloupe. ice cream scoop. whipped cream bloop. dumpling. chicken wing. peking. and those crispy onion rings. we are america's kitchen. doordash. every flavor welcome. we are america's kitchen. we are literally going to hogwarts right now. this is unexpected. ahhhh! whoaaa! this is incredible. we just got off hagrid, and it is by far the best ride. this is universal. home of tripadvisor's number one park in the world. so come join us. get all three parks for just $53 a day, restrictions apply.
12:26 am
12:27 am
( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) celebrating halloween? well, if you're celebrating by eating reese's. then no, you're actually late. not sorry, reese's.
12:28 am
you don't see psoriasis. you see clear skin. you see me. but if you saw me before cosentyx... ♪ i was covered. it was awful. but i didn't give up. i kept fighting. i got clear skin with cosentyx. 3 years and counting. clear skin can last. see if cosentyx could make a difference for you. cosentyx is proven to help people with moderate to severe plaque psoriasis find clear skin that can last. don't use if you're allergic to cosentyx. before starting cosentyx, you should be checked for tuberculosis. an increased risk of infections and lowered ability to fight them may occur. tell your doctor if you have an infection or symptoms. or if you have received a vaccine or plan to. if you have inflammatory bowel disease, tell your doctor if symptoms develop or worsen. serious allergic reactions may occur. see me now. i'm still clear. how sexy are these elbows? get clear skin that can last. ask your dermatologist about cosentyx.
12:29 am
get clear skin that can last. yof your daily routine.lf so why treat your mouth any differently? listerine® completes the job by preventing plaque, early gum disease, and killing up to 99.9% of germs. try listerine® and for on-the-go, try listerine® ready! tabs™
12:30 am
>> stephen: performing "catfish kate" from their album "beneath the eyrie," ladies and gentlemen, pixies! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
12:31 am
♪ ♪ >> ♪ call me devil, call me friend, ♪ but call me black jack hooligan ♪ i came all the way from aberdeen ♪ to live among the go-betweens ♪ let me tell about catfish kate ♪ in the time before when she's just kate ♪ here in the mountains all alone ♪ before the time we called this home ♪ where is my angel fallen down at the river bottom ♪ and will she get away? where is my blackfoot blossom ♪ is she just playing possum who lives another day?
12:32 am
♪ here in the valley that we all know ♪ a river bend that's deep and slow ♪ where every creature drinks their fill ♪ and other creatures take their kill ♪ now kate had went to catch a fish ♪ to put inside her favorite dish ♪ a catfish grabbed her by the head ♪ and took her to his house instead ♪ where is my angel fallen down at the river bottom ♪ and will she get away? where is my blackfoot blossom ♪ is she just playing possum who lives another day? ♪ well, they wrestled all the day and night ♪ the morning showed the bloody
12:33 am
sight ♪ kate all dressed in catfish clothes ♪ his whiskers for her catfish robe ♪ whiskers for her robe ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ where is my angel fallen ♪ down at the river bottom and is she there to stay? ♪ where is my blackfoot blossom is she just playing possum ♪ who lives another day? now she's known ♪ as catfish kate ( cheers and applause )
12:34 am
>> stephen: pixies everybody. we'll be right back.
12:35 am
12:36 am
>> stephen: now stick around for james corden. good night! hosted all 10 candidates for a climate crisis town hall, which
12:37 am
was a seven-hour live event. seven hours. that's not a town hall. that's a hostage situation. that's the first cut of frank herbert's "dune." it's a ken burns documentary. it's "war and peace." that's what it feels like going to "les mis." captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show


info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on