tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS December 30, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am EST
>> ♪ >> ♪ ♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ ♪ >> stephen: good grief. christmas is coming, and donald trump's going to be president. ( laughter ) ( sighs ) >> ho-ho, stephen, it can't be that bad. i mean, the country is divided, but in the end, we're all americans! >> stephen: wait, you're an american? >> of course! not like that easter bunny. he lives on that island with all those huge stone heads. >> stephen: so, does that mean you voted in the election? >> of course, i did. >> stephen: santa, please tell me you didn't vote for trump. >> it was the only thing donald wanted for christmas. ( laughter ) my hands were tied. >> stephen: but santa, he's got to be on the naughty list.
>> well, he is, but he said he'd bring coal jobs back and i need that coal to drop in the naughty kids' socks. ( laughter ) do you really want to live in a world where the naughty don't get punished? >> stephen: no... just where they don't become president. ( cheers and applause ) ( gun shot ) ♪ ♪ >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes mark wahlberg; lee daniels; and musical guest miranda lambert. featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody! merry christmas! good to see you! hey! ♪ ♪
>> jon: hey! >> stephen: good to see you. merry christmas. >> jon: merry christmas to you! ( applause ) >> stephen: welcome to "the late show." please sit down, everybody. thank you so much. you're very kind. oh, what a lovely night. what a lovely crowd. how is everybody feeling tonight? you feeling all right? feeling the holidays. ( cheers and applause ) welcome to "the late show." i'm your host stephen colbert. um, a lot of exciting revelations today, yeah. a lot of exciting-- who donald trump is meeting with for cabinet positions. you know how they've got the cameras in trump towers and seeing them coming in and coming out. it's like a detective show or something like that. >> jon: yeah, like cops. >> stephen: so far it's been a who's who of why? what? ( laughter ) and today, today brought the
strangest news yet, because this morning, the president-elect met at trump tower with kanye west. ( laughter ) you can tell it was a high- powered meeting because kanye is wearing his formal sweat-suit. ( laughter ) now, obviously, a meeting like this-- it's a security risk. gathering the two most powerful american narcissists in the same room. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: ( singing gold digger ) you can't do it. >> stephen: you can't do it. just for security reasons, they had to keep shia leboeuf in an undisclosed location for continuity of government. ( laughter ) now, here they are ending their meeting with a bro hug in front of the cameras. ( laughter ) i heard these two are going to drop an album together. it's called "the deportation of pablo." ( laughter ) i can't wait. now, i'm not sure what.
i'm not sure what cabinet position kanye was applying for. which government agency regulates diamond masks and track pants? >> jon: right, i'm not sure. i haven't figured that out. >> stephen: i'll tell you what he's not up for is secretary of state, because today, donald trump chose rex tillerson, exxonmobil c.e.o. so i assume that means from now on, all gas stations are official u.s. embassies. ( laughter ) which is perfect for any refugees who are seeking asylum and maybe a slim jim. ( laughter ) tillerson is an interesting pick. for one thing, he's an oil man who believes in climate change. well, of course he believes in it. he's from exxon. he invented it. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) pride of ownership. it's his baby! "it's my baby!" now, some people are concerned about tillerson's close ties with vladimir putin. and they are buddies. this is true. here he is laughing at one of putin's classic knock-knock jokes. ( laughter )
"orange you glad i didn't poison your family? ( laughter ) you will laugh now." and while tillerson admits he and putin have "a very close relationship," he's also said, "i don't agree with everything he's doing." yeah, we all have that one friend who sometimes drinks too much or dates the wrong person, or annexes crimea. what are you gonna do? ( laughter ) of course, this means that the secretary of state position will not be going to mitt romney, though romney was a long-shot from the beginning. after all, in march he said this: >> donald trump is a phony, a fraud. his promises are as worthless as a degree from trump university. he's playing the members of the american public for suckers. >> stephen: i don't know about the american public, but trump certainly played one guy for a sucker. ( audience reacts ) because everybody thought mitt had it in the bag after trump took him to that fancy dinner in manhattan. it was nice. they had frog legs in a reduction of romney's dignity.
( cheers and applause ) but! oh! salty! oh! delicious! but it was all just a trick, because according to trump insider roger stone, "trump interviewed romney to torture him." that sounds pretty bad. but on the plus side, if this is trump's idea of torture, gitmo is about to get a lot fancier. ( laughter ) "tonight, the torture sommelier is recommending a merlot- boarding paired with an aged brie." ( laughter ) you don't want to know where they're putting the brie. now, we shouldn't be surprised. trump seems like the kind of guy who feels like one fancy dinner gives him the right to screw you. and to rub salt-- ( cheers and applause ) >> cold blooded! >> stephen: trump rubbed salt in romney's wounds because it looks like trump is going to pick
former texas governor rick perry to be secretary of energy. he will be replacing stanford- educated nuclear physicist and jack of diamonds ernest moniz. ( laughter ) that's a good shot. ( applause ) so what are perry's qualifications to lead the department of energy? well, for one, he does have energy. ♪ god bless texas with his own hand ♪ brought down angels from the promised land ♪ >> stephen: wow! if he is half as good at being energy secretary at he is at dancing, there's going to be a lot of nuclear waste spills. ( laughter ) man, he could not look any stupider. ( green acres theme song ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: i apologize. i apologize.
was he dancing to "green acres"? >> jon: yeah, that was "green acres." >> stephen: what were they thinking? he should be secretary of agriculture. ( laughter ) so, why no mitt? during the campaign, perry was just as tough on his future boss. >> let no one be mistaken. donald trump's candidacy is a cancer on conservatism, and it must be clearly diagnosed, excised, and discarded. >> stephen: man, all those medical procedures sound expensive. they better get them done while we still have obamacare. ( cheers and applause ) of course, who could ever forget rick perry's most memorable performance in the 2012 republican primary debate? rick perry can. >> and i will tell you, it's three agencies of government when i get there that are gone: commerce, education, and the uh- - what's the third one there. let's see...
>> but you can't name the third one? >> the third agency of government, i would do away with education, um, the, uh, commerce, and let's see... i can't, the third one i can't. sorry. oops. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: now, three words come to mind: dumb. mother... i can't think of the third one. ( cheers and applause ) by the way, the department he couldn't remember in that clip, the department he wants to get rid of-- and this is true-- it's the department of energy. ( laughter ) or, as it will soon be known, the department of "oops."
uh, let's see, is there anything nonpolitical going on? oh, here's one. are you guys excited for the movie "rogue one: a star wars story" coming up? ( cheers and applause ) yeah, me, too. me, too. i'll clap on that one. i'll clap on that one. well, sadly, not everyone is excited, because trump supporters are boycotting "rogue one" with the hashtag #dumpstarwars. the controversy started when a "rogue one" screenwriter tweeted, "please note that the empire is a white supremacist organization." really? why would a white supremacist organization put a black guy in charge? ( laughter ) now, the writer deleted the tweet and then apologized for it, but that didn't appease the dark side of the internet, because pro-trump "star wars" fans are circulating rumors "that the film was re-shot to include anti-trump scenes." oh, come on! how do you fit anti-trump scenes into a movie that takes place in another galaxy?
( laughter ) did one of the storm troopers try to grab someone by the wookie? ( laughter ) ( applause ) no. ( piano riff ) no. wookie. what? ( laughter) i'm being asked not to make that gesture anymore. ( laughter ) a wookie, i'm just talking about a wookie. what's wrong with you! these rumors are not true and please, just, from my heart, please, 2016 has been a rough ride. all year long, one shining beacon of hope i've had to look forward to at the end is the new "stars wars." so i am begging you, in the name of obi-wan kenobi's shimmering ghost, just shut up and let me enjoy "rogue one." can't we just all agree! ( cheers and applause ) stop it! just, just-- can't we just agree that whatever your political leanings, we all believe our
side is the rebel alliance? that's how movies work! no one goes to see "x-men" and roots for the regular humans. and we are the regular humans! ( laughter ) so when it comes to the "star wars" movies, all americans are the good guys. okay? the democratic coalition is every bit as diverse as the cantina band, and admiral akbar bears a striking resemblance to republican mitch mcconnell. ( cheers and applause ) all right? so just let it go and move on to christmas. let's let go of politics and move on to christmas. and i know a lot of people are finishing up their christmas shopping-- or starting it. and sometimes finding the perfect gift for your loved one can be tricky. well, thankfully, our good friends in the international diamond industry have just the answer. >> she's the reason the good times are great. ♪ ♪ and the reason the tough times are easier.
because she's your best friend and your true love. presenting the "ever us" two-stone diamond collection: new rings, necklaces, earrings and bracelets. one diamond for your best friend. one diamond for your true love. >> stephen: yes, a ring with a diamond for your true love and one for your best friend. sorry, paul. i'm gonna need that diamond back. apparently, i'm supposed to give it to my wife. ( laughter ) so, i believe this is the beautiful possible way to trick america into buying even more of something they can't afford. which is why tonight i'm proud to introduce this moving new ad from our newest sponsor. ♪ ♪ you gave her one diamond for being your best friend and one for being your true love. but she's so much more than that, which is why she also deserves a diamond for being your emergency contact. ( laughter ) a diamond for being your ride
home after the eye doctor dilates your pupils. ( laughter ) and a diamond for buying stamps. ( laughter ) minus two diamonds for never having seen "die hard." ( laughter ) but add a diamond for being the person who watches "westworld" with you and tells you what's going on. ( laughter ) and two more diamonds to help you forget where diamonds come from. ( laughter ) and because she's constantly surprising you with the way she loves you, doesn't she deserve this baggy of extra diamonds and a hot glue gun? this christmas buy her the forever times infinity ring. because face it, your kids aren't really college material anyway. ( laughter ) think about it. ( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight. mark wahlberg is here. and when we come back, i'll get some things off my chest. so stick around. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey, come on now! ♪ ♪
my advice for looking get your beauty sleep. and use aveeno® absolutely ageless® night cream with active naturals® blackberry complex. younger looking skin can start today. absolutely ageless® from aveeno®. you could spend the next few days weeding through w2s, pay stubs and bank statements to refinance your home. or you could push that button. sfx: rocket launching. cockpit sounds. skip the bank, skip the paperwork, and go completely online. securely share your financial info and confidently get an accurate mortgage solution in minutes. lift the burden of getting a home loan with rocket mortgage by quicken loans. (whisper) rocket my doctor says i havey, what's skittles pox.
are they contagious? i don't think so. contract the rainbow! taste the rainbow! when it comes to heartburn... trust the brand doctors trust. nexium 24hr is the #1 choice of doctors and pharmacists for their own frequent heartburn. for all day and all night protection... banish the burn... with nexium 24hr.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! give it up for jon batiste and "stay human!" ( cheers and applause ) thank you, sir. cheers, cheers. oh! oh, my friends. oh, my friends. welcome back to the show. we're having a fine time tonight. you picked a good one to watch. now, before we go on, i just want to say that i'm a practicing catholic. and i enjoy going to church. unfortunately, i don't make it to church as often as i used to because i feel like my sundays are kind of sacred, you know. ( laughter )
and what i really miss about going to church is going to confession. so i'd like to take a moment and confess to my audience. you won't tell anybody, right? >> audience: of course not! >> stephen: great. this is "stephen colbert's midnight confessions." ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) standard disclaimer: these might not technically be sins, but i do feel guilty about them. okay, i'll be right back. forgive me, audience. my new year's resolution is canceling the gym membership i got last year. ( laughter ) audience, audience, one of the wise men in my nativity scene
broke, and instead of buying a new one, i replaced him with lego batman. ( laughter ) i do comedy for a living, but i panic whenever i have to pick out my funny screen name at the bowling alley. ( laughter ) steve-pin bowl-bert? sometimes, sometimes i want to do something that would make me seem reckless, like get a tattoo of my a.t.m. pin. ( laughter ) sometimes, after i've unloaded my groceries, i just push the empty cart into the parking lot like it's a viking funeral. ( laughter ) terrible. i take credit for other people's work, and if i had writers, they'd be pretty pissed. ( laughter ) ( applause )
sometimes i go to kickboxing gyms, look around, and then say really loudly, "sorry, not intense enough for me." ( laughter ) i like to go caroling just so i can judge my neighbors' entrance halls. ( laughter ) i've got a simple recipe for eggnog. it's one part whiskey.... ( laughter ) ( applause ) i'm gonna make another batch. ( laughter ) i use up all the hot water when i take a shower, but unless it's really steamy, the clams won't open up.
( laughter ) when my kids were growing up, our house didn't have a fireplace, so i told them that santa came out of the dryer. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i told my family i was doing the mannequin challenge, when i really just didn't move off the couch for three hours. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i ate all the popcorn strings that my family put on our christmas tree. i just love string. ( laughter ) i'm a slow typer because i only use two fingers. and they're not mine. ( laughter ) last night, i lost over a pint of blood because i flossed for the first time in two years. ( laughter ) ( applause ) forgive me, audience.
>> audience: we forgive you! >> stephen: thanks. we'll be right back with mark wahlberg. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ok, let me explain. this is your tax return. ok. now, there are many right ways to fill out this tax return. and the irs will accept them all. one of them gets you the most money back. isn't that the one you want? that's the one i want. that's the one you want. mmm... you touched all these. don't just get your taxes done, amy. get your taxes won.
only at&t offers you all your live channels and dvr on your devices, data-free. it's entertainment. your way. hey, need fast try cool mint zantac. it releases a cooling sensation in your mouth and throat. zantac works in as little as 30 minutes. nexium can take 24 hours. try cool mint zantac. no pill relieves heartburn faster. tmom didn't want another dog. she said it's too much work. lulu's hair just floats. uhh help me! (doorbell) mom, check this out. wow. swiffer sweeper, and dusters. this is what i'm talking about.
look at that. sticks to this better than it sticks to lulu. that's your hair lulu! mom, can we have another dog? (laughing) trap and lock up to 4x more dirt, dust and hair than the store brand stop cleaning. start swiffering. i'll call you later ah, i'...or...no i won't,. i'll text you, because what am i your dad? "don't stay out too late!". yea, just text me. thank you, get home safe. this must be what antonio brown feels like when he's dancing in the end zone. touchdown antonio brown! [crowd cheering] this must be how lucas felt when he finally got katie's number. ♪ pepsi.
♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! welcome back to the show, folks. my first guest tonight is a talented actor and producer. you know him from "boogie nights," "the departed," and "lone survivor." he now stars in "patriots day." >> yeah, no, i know what you're doing there. that's the finish line. you said 2:45? >> correct. >> that's going to be crate & barrel. >> crate & barrel, anybody? >> checking crate & barrel. >> yes, sir! i see you, 2:44 p.m.
the hat's got a golf logo, along with the number three. >> okay. >> 2:42 p.m. whiskey steak house. >> whiskey steakhouse. >> there's a man wearing aviators. it looks like they know each other. >> stephen: please welcome mark wahlberg! ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nice to meet you. >> it's nice to meet you. >> stephen: nice to meet another wahlberg, because we had donnie on not that long ago. >> there's a lot of them. >> stephen: for "blue blood" here on cbs. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: and what a delight your brother is. we really connected. he really raised the wahlberg bar. so no pressure. but a fantastic guest.
>> wow. >> stephen: fantastic guest. >> well, thank you. i appreciate that. i appreciate that. >> stephen: yeah, does he ask about me? does he talk about me? >> didn't mention you at all. >> stephen: doesn't mention me at all? >> didn't mention you at all. >> stephen: okay, he said nice things about you. >> i don't believe that, either. ( laughter ) no, no, you know-- it's one of those things. being the youngest of nine i got tortured by my brothers and sisters. it's nice that we have a good relationship now. >> stephen: so did you literally, did you get beaten up by your brothers? >> yeah, until i was like 12 and then i started, you know, i turned the tables. >> stephen: you beat up your older brothers? >> all of them. every-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's not allowed. you're the youngest child. you have to respect your elders. >> we would literally be in the kitchen, and my mother would be like, "what are you doing?" and i'm like, "what do you think i'm doing?" she's like, "you're beating up your brother." and i'm like, "yeah?" "in front of his wife and kids. and you're 35-years-old now. enough all ready. i think you've got revenge. all right? stop." so-- >> stephen: youngest of nine, how many boys and how many girls? >> six boys and three girls. my dad had three or four somewhere else, before us.
>> stephen: okay, all right, yeah. do you know where else? >> i met a few of them. >> stephen: okay, nice. >> i met my brother scott. there's two donnies. >> stephen: two donnies? >> yeah. >> stephen: we should make them fight in a pit. ( laughter ) >> yeah. >> stephen: there can be only one. >> well-- >> stephen: there can be only one. >> i knew of only one. >> stephen: i'm one of 11 kids. i'm the youngest of 11, eight boys, three girls. >> very rare. >> stephen: yeah, pretty rare these days. >> common where i come from. >> stephen: great to be the youngest though, right? >> well, when you start to get into your teens. you know what, it was. >> stephen: you got away with a lot. >> well, i did , but then i ended up going to jail. ( laughter ) so that's not good because-- >> stephen: i guess not. >> my parents spent a lot of time just trying to put food on the table so i was left to my own devices and that was hanging out with the wrong crowd. >> stephen: my mom, by the time she got to me she was like "ten fingers, ten toes, go outside." ( laughter ) >> yeah, it's funny because my mom would tell me the stories of my dad, when she was ready to give birth, he would drop her off, and say "pick me up when
you're done." there i am curled up in the hospital chair, just trying to sleep for three days when my wife was giving birth to our four children. >> stephen: can you name them from top to bottom, can you do them fast? >> what, like-- >> stephen: your brothers and sisters. do you want to race? ( laughter ) i'll do 11 from the top to bottom. and you do your nine. ready? >> you want to go top to bottom or bottom to top. >> stephen: i can only do top to bottom. you can do bottom to top. it doesn't matter to me. you can go bottom to top. i'll go top to bottom. whatever you choose. one, two, three, and we'll go. one, two, three ( cross talk ) ( cheers and applause ) >> you have more. >> stephen: no one's ever beaten me. >> but you have more. >> stephen: it doesn't matter. no one's ever beaten me. congratulations. >> thank you, sir. >> stephen: i'm humbled. i'm humbled. >> you haven't seen the "ted" movies. i talk really fast. i'm good with names in rapid fire. >> stephen: there are a lot of great movies about boston, and you're in all of them. except "good will hunting" that's the only one you're not in. >> and the "brinks job" was pretty good too.
>> stephen: okay, okay. when you're in one of these movies about boston and we watch you in the movies, we go, "that's a really good boston accent." that makes sense-- he's from boston. when the other people talk though, we go, "wow, they should not be in a scene with mark wahlberg if they're trying that accent. what do you do on set? because it's one of the hardest accents to get right. what do you do when you're on set and somebody is like, completely shanking the boston accent? how do you control yourself? >> well, in a movie like this-- in a movie like "ted" it's fine, it's a comedy. right? we can figure it out. in a movie like this it really relies on its authenticity and accuracy. so, we would say, "you get one more try, and if not, we will dub you in post." ( laughter ) >> stephen: what? >> yeah, or don't do the accent. >> stephen: wow. >> because it's-- it's-- it's not good when it's bad. pete likes to improvise, and a lot of people come in with dialect coaches. they know their lines, and as soon as pete says " okay, throw the script out the window and we're going to improvise," people start to really get nervous. it becomes an issue. but with michelle monaghan, she
did a fantastic job on the accent, and i was there for her when we started improvising, and john goodman is really the only other person who really does an accent. other than that we cast pretty much all bostonians. >> stephen: well, that brings us to the movie. because "patriots day," for those of you who don't know, it's about april 15th, 2013, the boston marathon bombing. it's an important story to the nation, but particularly important story to your hometown. where were you when that happened? >> i was actually-- i was not in boston. and then i heard what happened, and i immediately went to boston the next day. and, you know, it was incredible seeing my city like that. it was pretty much deserted and just had such an eerie feeling. you know, boston is such a small place. everybody knows somebody who was directly affected by this. and, um-- but what was amazing was how boston responded. not just law enforcement, first responders, everybody came together. you know when those explosions went off, you saw people running immediately towards the problem. people from all walks of life. and that made me extremely proud
to be a bostonian, and i wanted to share that as well as the other really positive and inspiring stories of the victims and their families and, also, the survivors. >> stephen: it was-- it was a tragic day and a shocking and heartbreaking day, but i think so many people, certainly i watching it, were moved by the response that boston had, how people stepped up in boston. even the people running the race. there were people that day who ran a marathon, and then ran another two miles to a hospital to give blood. you know? boston was a beautiful place on that terrible day. you-- i understand that you almost didn't make this movie. you weren't sure whether you wanted to be in it. what-- why were you on the fence about doing this? >> um, well, obviously, it's an extremely sensitive subject. but, you know, there were three movies being talked about at various stages of development. and they were going to make movies. so i said i'm not going to let somebody else come into my town who is not going to handle it with the respect and sensitivity in which it deserves because of the amount of violence and
carnage. it could be something that could become gratuitous and having these people be exploited. and peter berg who i did "loan survivor" with, as well as "deep water horizon." i knew how pete would handle this. with the amount of care and respect it deserves. so, i said "you know what?" i'm going to tell the story and i'm going to get it right and i'm going to make sure that people know what "boston strong" means and make my community proud. ( applause ) and you know, we um-- we also have, you know-- you look at what happened in cairo on sunday, and these things just continue to happen all over the world. we have to continue to promote that message that love will always win, and that no matter what happens we'll get back up and we'll hold hands and we'll fight for each other, and that message important. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: let me ask you one other thing about boston is that people from there seem like they're never impressed with other people from there. ( laughter )
like, like-- >> it's surprising that you notice that. >> stephen: is that true? >> absolutely. >> stephen: yeah, because i notice that. >> i don't think there's ever been one good thing written about me in a boston newspaper. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you don't impress the people back home? >> uh, well, the people that matter. you know, for me, being able to turn my life-- i haven't gotten into so much trouble when i was a kid, being able to turn my life around. i had gone to copley high but i didn't go past the ninth grade, and that's probably 200 yards away from the finish line. i was able to go back and get my diploma at 42 and i inspired kids growing up in neighborhoods like that. ( cheers and applause ) if i can accomplish what i've accomplished there's no reason why they can't do anything. but you have to put the work in. you have got to do the right thing, you've got to earn it, and work for it and great things will happen. >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. merry christmas. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: have a good holiday. "patriots day" is in theaters december 21st. mark wahlberg, everybody! ♪ ♪ we'll be right back with lee daniels. stick around.
imy moderate to severeng crohn's disease. i didn't think there was anything else to talk about. but then i realized there was. so, i finally broke the silence with my doctor about what i was experiencing. he said humira is for people like me who have tried other medications but still experience the symptoms of moderate to severe crohn's disease. in clinical studies, the majority of patients on humira saw significant symptom relief. and many achieved remission. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. before treatment, get tested for tb. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if you've had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flu-like symptoms or sores. don't start humira if you have an infection. if you're still just managing your symptoms, talk with your gastroenterologist about humira. with humira, remission is possible.
during the final days of it'the ford year end event.ve hurry in for the best deals of the season on ford, america's most awarded brand. with the most 5-star ratings... and the highest owner loyalty... giving drivers what matters most. that's how you become america's best-selling brand. just announced, get $1500 total cash on select models, on top of the best offers of the season. hurry, the final days of the ford year end event end january third. that's charmin ultra strong, remidude. cleans so well... ...it keeps your underwear cleaner. (secretly) so clean... you could wear them a second day. tell me i did not just hear that! (sheepishly) i said you could... not that you would! ...charmin ultra strong with its washcloth-like texture, helps clean better than the leading flat-textured bargain brand. it's 4 times stronger, and you can use less. it cleans better. you should try it, "skidz." we all go. why not enjoy the go with charmin?
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: come on back! my next guest is an oscar- nominated director, writer, and producer whose works include "precious," "the butler," "empire," and now the new television series, "star." please welcome lee daniels. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the show. >> thank you for having me on the show. stupid. mother. hey. and then i turned to the producer backstage, and i said, "that was so well delivered. i said, "is he an actor?" and then they told me that you were in my favorite tv series. >> stephen: what? >> "strangers with candy." >> stephen: oh! you like "strangers with candy?" >> obsessed with "strangers with candy!" >> stephen: that means you are mentally ill. ( laughter ) all of the greatest "strangers
with candy" fans have a little. >> it's my favorite tv show. >> stephen: you know what? i am an actor, but i could never pull off those leather pants. >> they're not really leather >> stephen: they're not really leather? >> uh-uh, they just look it. >> stephen: oh, wow. still. they look way better on you than they ever would for me. >> you should try it. >> stephen: hey, congratulations. look what you just got. you got a star on the hollywood walk of fame. ( cheers and applause ) ( laughs ) that is great. >> i know. >> stephen: that is fantastic. what's that feel like? because i don't have one, but obviously-- >> you don't have one? >> stephen: i don't have one, no. >> you gotta get one. >> stephen: what? >> you gotta get one? >> stephen: i have to fit in the pants first. >> it is surreal. it really is surreal. because you realize-- i felt like lucille ball. i don't know, i felt like-- >> stephen: like at the chocolate factory? >> i don't know, i just felt like it was sort of surreal that your body of work even-- like i know so many people that are-- that i think deserve it that don't have it.
so it was really surreal for me. >> stephen: how did you celebrate? how did you-- like, what happens when they-- when you do it? what happens? >> i got drunk. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that part i've done. >> and i'm supposed to not be drinking, but i got drunk. and afterwards, at 3:00 in the morning, my boyfriend and i at 3:00 in the morning, i went back to the star because i thought-- i thought this was some, you know-- playing games with me. ( laughter ) and it was there. and we start dancing, and i instagrammed it. and i-- i was drunk. and i-- and i pull up to these strangers on the street and i go, "do you know who lee daniels is? he's got a star on the walk of fame." and they go, "yeah, yeah, we know." and they didn't know it was me. and then they look back up and go, "hey, you!" we were gone. but it was fun. >> stephen: wow. >> it's really surreal. it's humbling. it's humbling. >> stephen: really? >> yes, it's humbling. >> stephen: now, you already got
the big hit "empire." >> which, by the way, i'm really excited, because jesse and tray all got n.a.a.c.p. image award nominations today. >> stephen: congratulations. you have got the new show "star" coming out on fox. >> uh-oh. >> stephen: and they're about hip-hop and the music industry. have you always been a big fan of hip-hop? >> no. ( laughter ) >> stephen: no? >> no. >> stephen: because you're now a very-- >> i know, but my-- look, i feel like-- hold on a second. because my-- my music library stops at, like, whitney houston, i guess, a little beyonce you know what i mean? maybe, you know? and so, so much so, that my kids really told me like you know, timbaland is who you got to-- i didn't know who timbaland was. and when i-- my first movie was "monsters ball" and puff daddy interviewed with me, and i didn't know who he was. ( laughter ) he said, mr. daniels >> your entourage didn't tip you off?
>> no, because he came in solo. it's a casting office. i knew who he was after, because we went on his yacht and he said, "welcome to my world now." ( laughter ) i was like, "oh, okay, mr. daddy." ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: mr. daddy. mr. daddy! well, you've written-- you've written a lot of really powerful, beautiful roles for women. what draws you to that? why do you want to give voice to these actresses? >> because i think they're smarter than men. i mean i think that-- ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: really? >> yeah. >> stephen: women are smarter than men? >> yeah. ( laughter ) i mean, you know, not gay men. ( laughter ) but men. there's a hierarchy. >> there's a hierarchy. >> stephen: it goes women, gay men, men. >> no! it goes gay men, women, men. >> stephen: oh, okay. so the smartest people in the
room are gay men. >> yes, god. >> stephen: i did not know-- i did not know that i was gay. thank you very much. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. thank you for letting me know. wow. i was-- i just thought i was a thinker. thank you. >> think that women are far more complicated and i find that they are really interesting and fascinating to write for. so-- >> really? >> yeah! so most of my work comes from crazy cookies and such. >> stephen: well, queen latifah is in "star." >> oh yeah. >> stephen: we have a clip here of another strong woman showing her strength. jim. >> you gaining all that weight, never showing up on time, acting like an amateur. and who paid for that? me. my career. and now you're going to come up here and try to derail me again? no. >> you know what? my father always said to me, "you only need three things in life." >> oh, yeah? what, did your daddy say?
>> he said you needed your bible, your word, and your gun. ( applause ) >> stephen: dangerous. in 2009, you said, "i am so used to having two faces, a face that i have for black america and a face for white america. when obama became president i lost both faces." what happens now that he's no longer president and has-- do you know where you put those faces? ( laughter ) do you-- do you-- can you still keep both of those faces off now that we're going to a different president? >> do we really have to? my god. >> stephen: we do actually constitutionally have to go to a new president. >> do we? >> stephen: we do, we do. i checked. >> stupid. mother. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, good luck. >> thank you. >> stephen: "star" premieres tomorrow night on fox. lee daniels, everybody! we'll be right back with a
performance by miranda lambert. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) (vo) it's that time of year again. when you realize you still didn't get quite what you wanted. that's why verizon has the best deals of the year on the best network. like a free smartphone when you add a line or switch. no trade-in required. choose from the samsung galaxy j3, the lg k8 or stylo, or the the motoz play. all free. and as if you needed another reason, switch to verizon now and get up to $650 to cover your costs. there's still time to get exactly what you want at verizon. come on, wake up!!! come on, why ya sleepin'? come on! what time is it? it's go time. come on. let's go, let's go, let's go. woooo hoooo!! yeah!! i feel like i went to bed an hour ago. i'll make the cocoa. get a great offer on the car of your grown-up dreams at the mercedes-benz winter event. it's the look on their faces that make it all worthwhile.
thank you santa!!! now lease the 2017 c300 for $389 a month at your local mercedes-benz dealer. try theraflu expressmax,nd flu hold you back now in new caplets. it's the only cold & flu caplet that has a maximum strength formula with a unique warming sensation you instantly feel. theraflu. for a powerful comeback. new expressmax caplets. customer service!d. ma'am. this isn't a computer... wait. you're real? with discover card, you can talk to a real person in the u.s., like me, anytime. wow. this is a recording. really? no, i'm kidding. 100% u.s.-based customer service. here to help, not to sell. new aveeno®... don't just eat yogurt... wear it. daily moisturizing body yogurt. enriched with the nutrients found
but with depend, i have none of those concerns anymore. i can go all out. there's no restriction in my movement. it's liberating and sloan is back. unlike the bargain brand, depend fit-flex underwear is more flexible to move with you. reconnect with the life you've been missing. get a free sample at depend.com. zero really can be a hero. lemonheads/schoolhouse rock) reconnect with the life you've been missing. get zero down, zero deposit, zero due at signing, and zero first month's payment on select volkswagen models. right now at the volkswagen sign then drive event. ( ♪ )
lambert. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ i wanna go somewhere where nobody knows ♪ i wanna know somewhere where nobody goes ♪ following gold lines on the ground ♪ northbound, southbound there's something 'bout the way ♪ i feel when the wheels go round and round and round ♪ highway vagabonds living like a hippie ♪ moving right along to the next big city ♪ okay! jump off the exit ♪ truck stop, rest stop next stop texas
♪ caravan like a wild west show i don't care, man ♪ as long as we go my way! ♪ sing for your supper get off one ♪ and get on the other highway, vagabonds ♪ daddy was a drifter mama died young ♪ i still don't know where i come from ♪ on the map and off the grid ♪ with all my friends roaming town and town ♪ like willie did when he was a kid ♪ on the road again ♪ highway vagabonds living like a hippy ♪ moving right along to the next big city ♪ okay! jump off the exit ♪ truck stop, rest stop next stop texas ♪ caravan like a wild west show i don't care, man
♪ as long as we go my way! ♪ sing for your supper get off one ♪ and get on the other highway, vagabonds ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ but if we ain't broke down then we ain't ♪ doing something right but we ain't broke down ♪ so we ain't slowing down ♪ highway vagabonds living like a hippy ♪ moving right along to the next big city ♪ highway vagabonds living like a hippy ♪ moving right along to the next big city ♪ okay! jump off the exit ♪ truck stop, rest stop next stop texas
♪ caravan like a wild west show i don't care, man ♪ as long as we go my way! ♪ sing for your supper get off one ♪ and get on the other highway, vagabonds ♪ highway, vagabonds moving right along ♪ to the next big city vagabonds, ooh ooh ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you so much! miranda lambert, everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause )
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, that's it for "the late show," everybody. goodnight! whoo! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry where it is ♪ you come from you are a part of us ♪ it's the "late, late show" ( cheers and applause ) >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from queens, hawaii, give it up for your host, the