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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  January 9, 2017 11:35pm-12:38am EST

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>> the late show is next. >> have a good night family and sleep well. captioning sponsored by cbs >> this summer, see the movie white people at the golden globes were talking about. >> you're not listening to me. i'm trying to explain it to you the best way i know how... a fence does not go into space! >> hidden fences. can i have everyone's attention for a moment? thank you. they're going to be asking us questions about our work. i think that's pretty reasonable, giving that we're taking a fence and shooting it into space and that's never been done before. >> based on the true story of people who think all movies about black people are the same movie. starring black actors, black actresses, kevin costner, and introducing... a fence.
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if movies starring black people confuse you, then this is the film you've got to see. >> mr. sal sal, i'm a negro woman, i'm not going to entertain the impossible. >> and i am a polish jew, standing next to a fence that will be traveling to the stars! >> "hidden fences," based on a true story. >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert. tonight stephen welcomes billy joel and josh holloway, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: hey! thank you so much! thank you, sir!
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hey, jon! what's up? good to see ya. welcome to the late show. ( applause ) i'm so glad to be here. i'm your host stephen colbert. i'm so excited. we've got the great billy joel here tonight. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ we've got a tonight for billy joel, the piano man. ( cheers and applause ) anybody match the golden globe's last night? ( cheers and applause ) i hear it was pretty good. there were a lot of great movies this year, but there were two movies that got confused last night twice, "hidden figures" and "fences," creating a fun new mash-up. >> so you're nominated for "hidden fences."
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>> for best supporting actress in a motion picture, here are the nominees. octavia spencer, "hidden fences." ( laughter ) >> jon: oh! oh! >> stephen: i think it's obvious why these are the two nominated films that got mixed up. both had their a.d.r. mixing done by sound man chris navarro. ( laughter ) huge navarro heads. >> jon: yeah, yeah. >> stephen: plus, all the african-american presenters keep saying "manchester by the lala land". but the real star of the night and every night was meryl streep -- ( cheers and applause ) -- who won a lifetime achievement award and stole the show with her acceptance speech. >> but there was one performance this year that stunned me.
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it was that moment when the person asking to sit in the most respected seat in our country imitated a disabled reporter, someone he outranked in privilege, power, and the capacity to fight back. disrespect invites disrespect. violence incites violence. and the powerful use their position to bully others, we all lose. >> stephen: yes, we all lose, except donald trump who won. ( laughter ) of course, president-elect trump was too focused on defeating isis and creating jobs to pick a fight with a celebrity. ( laughter ) just kidding, he tweeted: "meryl streep, one of the most over-rated actresses in hollywood..." i'm sorry, what?! what?! what did you just say?
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meryl streep is overrated? i mean, have you seen "sophie's choice?" "the french lieutenant's woman?" have you seen that one with the dead people she's even funny in that one? ( laughter ) look, mr. trump. you can refuse to release your taxes, you can call to ban an entire religion, you can play footsie with a dictator, but calling meryl streep overrated? no! ( applause ) no! ♪ ♪ you know, i wasn't going to go to that million woman march, but now i am. ( laughter ) ( applause ) it's going to be a million meryl march. i'll be the one holding the blu-ray of kramer vs. kramer and weeping. and this morning, trump spokeswoman and future award-winning meryl streep role kellyanne conway weighed in on
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the reporter controversy by explaining we shouldn't get hung up on little things like what donald trump says and does. >> you can't give him the benefit of the doubt on, on this? and he's telling you what was in his heart? you always want to go by what's come out of his mouth rather than what's in his heart! >> stephen: yes, stop listening to his mouth and stop making fun of what's in his heart. that would be cruel because his heart is severely disabled. ( applause ) its medically incapable of empathy. come on! of course, for months, we've been talking about how somebody hacked our election and donald trump had his theory of who that was. >> i mean, it could be russia, but it could also be china. it could also be lots of other people. it also could be somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds, okay? >> stephen: well, turns out trump was right to blame a 400-pound man sitting on bed, assuming putin sleeps with his
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horse. ( laughter ) because, on friday, the director of national intelligence released a report that found that putin ordered the effort to undermine faith in the election and help trump. apparently, after russia was embarrassed by the olympic doping scandal, putin wanted to discredit the image of the united states and cast it as hypocritical. hey, putin, we don't need any help looking hypocritical. okay? we're the country that invented both chili cheese fries and open heart surgery. we got this one. ( laughter ) ( applause ) well, after months of denying it, trump now accepts that the russians hacked our election. and he knows exactly who to blame -- "gross negligence by the democratic national committee allowed hacking to take place." he went on to say that all bank robberies are the banks' fault, and if people didn't want to get stabbed, why does their ribcage make such a sturdy knife holder?
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( laughter ) ( applause ) now this russian hack is disturbing, but trump's chief of staff reince priebus, says there's a thing that everyone needs to understand. >> here's the thing that i think everyone needs to understand -- when, when this whole thing started, it started from the russians, 50 years ago. in other words, this is something that's been going on in our elections for many, many years. it happens, every election period. >> stephen: yes, don't worry. it happens. the russians have always picked our presidents. who can forget the famous headline "putin defeats truman." and, besides, according to trump adviser kellyanne conway, this hacking is not a bad thing.
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>> all of this amounts to a simple fact, which is that alleged attacks, alleged and aspirations to interfere with our democracy failed and they failed and we know that because donald trump won. >> stephen: yes, donald trump won. america, zero. ( applause ) speaking of trump and his family, did you hear the breaking news today about jared kushner. jared kushner, of course, is trump's son-in-law, and also america's worst-selling strain of marijuana. do not smoke the jared kushner. and according to people close to trump, kushner will be need a senior advisor to the president. the pick makes sense -- trump and his son-in-law see eye to eye on a lot of issues. for instance, they both think
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ivanka's hot. ( laughter ) based on a true story, that joke. ( laughter ) but trump hiring his son-in-law is raising a lot of questions, like "is this legal?" and "does trump know anyone who's not in his family?" ( laughter ) ( applause ) speaking of sources of shame for new york city, any giants fans here? no? brutal game. the giants lost to the packers 38 to 13. eli manning couldn't get anything going, odell beckham jr. kept dropping passes, and the defense even let aaron rodgers throw a hail mary. luckily, new york fans are used to being embarrassed, since we also have the jets. ( laughter ) some angry giants fans are pointing to this photo of several players on a boat in miami last week, saying they should have been focused on the game. yesterday, the players on that boat had a combined three dropped passes, and two would have been for scheds, just
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think, if they had caught those touchdowns, the giants would have lost by only 11 points. way better. it doesn't help when you zoom in you can see eli manning water skiing behind the boat with dolphins wearing a shirt that says "i don't care about football"! ( laughter ) we have a great show, billy joel is here! stick around! ever chevy cruze hatch...ur opinions on the first - but more importantly, i wanted to get your opinions. bark. you wanna check it out? the cruze has apple carplay compatibility. so when you plug your iphone in, some of your favorite apps show up. bark. plenty of space for all of mia's friends. or not. gotta go! current qualified lessees can get a sign and drive lease on this first-ever cruze hatchback.
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♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back. you know, i love watching the
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give it up for jon batiste and "stay human"! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ you look like you're riding a tilted poney. that's very nice. >> jon: yeah! >> stephen: first, my first guest tonight has sold over 150 million records, a tony award, kennedy center honor and rock and roll song writer's hall of fame. the one, the great, billy joel! ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome.
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i saw that. very good. nice to have you on. wow. billy joel. i don't know how to explain to you what an important thing this is for me to have you on the show. name any one of your songs, i can sing every single one of your hits from beginning to end without pause. >> okay. ♪ sing us a song, ire the piano man ♪ ♪ i'm in a new york state of mind ♪ ♪ i love you just the way you are ♪ ♪ i'm moving out ♪ only the good die young ♪ always a woman to me ♪ you get to be a big shot ♪ you still may be right ♪ still rock and roll to me
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♪ don't ask me why ♪ living here in allentown ♪ tell her about it ♪ uptown girl ♪ for the longest ♪ i'm in the entertainer ♪ she's got a way ♪ i'm going to wait for you ♪ she cuts you once, cuts you twice ♪ ♪ rosa linda's eyes ♪ sometimes the fantasy. >> stephen: sleeping with the television on ♪ ♪ do down together ♪ in the middle of the night ♪ we didn't start the fire ( cheers and applause ) >> pretty good. >> stephen: just think what a great song -- what a great song it would be just to put all the titles of your songs together. >> that's pretty good. you should come to the garden and do that one right ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we think of you starting off your career as the piano man, smokey little bar, but you play huge stadiums now.
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you're the only guy to play all the stadiums in philly four years in a row selling all those stadiums out. you just announced shows 86 and 8 7 of performing at madison square garden. you're like artist in residence at madison square garden, you sell it out in three minutes. what's it like? i will eventually let you talk in this interview, i promise you, but what is it like to play on a piano for 20 million people? >> it's fun. i picked a great job. >> stephen: do you prefer a stadium as opposed to a room this size? >> you have to throw it a little more in a stadium. we played in wimbley and london and 62,000 people there and three times madison square garden so you have to project more and give it a little more english because it's england.
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>> stephen: of course. well, this is the stage, this was the stage of the ed sullivan show, the ed sullivan theater. do you remember seeing the beetles on here? i know they were a big influence on you. >> oh, yeah ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: were you sitting at home with your family, watching tv? >> the tv broke in my house when i was about two years old, so i went to somebody else's house to watch tv, and the beatles were on. 1964, february, i remember that. also, it was three months after john f. kennedy has been assassinated so the country had the blues, everybody was down in the dumps, he was, like, our guy and they took him away. then these four guys came from england with weird hair, wrote their own songs, arranged their own music, played their own instruments, and the country went crazy, we all went nuts, okay, those are the guys, those are ours. it was a really exciting time. >> stephen: how old were you when that happened?
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>> 14. >> stephen: were you already playing piano at the time? >> yeah, i had been taking lessons since i was four. but i didn't want to be a classical pianist. that wasn't in my cards. >> stephen: but you've composed classical music before. i heard you start with a classical motif when you're writing a song and then rack it up. >> i love classical music. i fell in love with rock and roll when i was a teenager. the beatles took me into that. i saw the beatles and i thought, that can be done. they were from liverpool which sounds worse than where i'm from, hicksville. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you've become friends with mccartney. yes. >> stephen: and closed shea stadium with him. >> yeah. >> stephen: they played that stadium in 64. >> they kicked the door open. >> stephen: you closed shea
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stadium with him. >> yeah, they were going to close down the shea stadium and i called paul and asked him if he wanted to come because you guys opened it up. i've known him since the '80s i guess, when the first daughter alexa was a little girl, paul used to see us at a party in the hamptons or something and he'd say, oh, alexa, it's your uncle pauley, come here, come here, uncle pauley. he's, like, a real dad and she would scream, didn't know who he was. and i said, it's paul mccartney! come here, it's your uncle pauley. i asked him if he could come to the shay show and he had visitation with his own daughter. i said, i understand visitation, i get it, i have been married four times, i understand visitation. >> stephen: four times? yeah, may the fourth be with me. ( cheers and applause )
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so h he said he had a visitation and i said i understand, he wasn't going to make it. so as we were coming to the end of the show, the second show we did, all of a sudden mix road crew guys come over to me and said, he's on his way. i said, who's on his way? the eagle has landed. and we were getting to piano man, and i look on the side of the stage and there is paul mccartney walking on the stage tuning his hoffner base with a butter knife. i said, this is bizarre, this is insane. so he came on, we played a couple of songs and ended the show by doing "let it be" which is poetic justice, i think. >> stephen: we'll take a break and be back with more billy joel. stick around. ♪ ( cheers and applause ) 90% of the world's largest supercomputers run on intel? that means you can take a universe of data -
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in your case literally - and turn it into medical discoveries, diagnostic breakthroughs... ...proof that black holes collapse into one singularity. i don't know what that is. but yes. innovation runs on supercomputers... ...and supercomputers run on intel. you are super smart. and super busy. ♪ ooh! ufo! false alarm, eyelash!
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody! we're back with billy joel. you have not put out a pop album since 1993. >> correct. >> stephen: billy joel, you were really good at writing songs. why not give us more billy joel songs? because you're selling out the stadiums. how about some fresh meat? >> i thought i'd had my say. >> stephen: really? yeah. i thought, okay, just shutup now. i put out 12 awe bums. how many bit the beatles put out, 12? that's a nice number, i'll stop. >> stephen: elton john said you should put out more albums. >> i told him he should put out less albums. ( applause ) >> stephen: when you were a kid, do you remember big shows, big concerts that were formative
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for you? >> yeah, i snuck in to see jimi hendrix play at the old world fairgrounds. it was called the singer bowl. we didn't have tickets. it was with another guy who was in my band, and we snuck in by putting cables, holding cables and, you know, talk with english accents, jimi doesn't get his cables, he will be pissed off. i got to the stage and jimi's road manager, keith robinson, been the roady for every big english band and he looked at me and said, come here, you, you're pretty good. i saw said, well, thank you. you're going to help load up jimi's amp. so there we are carrying stacks
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of marshall amps on the stage. pretty cool. and i got to watch hendrix. >> stephen: he knew you were faking. >> it was a good fake. he appreciated it. >> stephen: i heard a story. i know you and bruce have become friends. >> i don't know if you can do that anymore. >> stephen: i snuck into paul simon's graceland continue cert that way. i said i was a t-shirt salesman and washed the show from the fly gallery. i don't know if you can do that anymore. the '80s were different. >> yeah, it was. >> stephen: can you explain to me what this is? this is something to do with bruce sprinbruce springsteen. can i get a shot of this? what else is this? >> this is the voltage regulator that came off the bike that springsteen broke down on on veterans day. >> stephen: this veterans day? this past veterans day, yes, november. i built bruce a couple of bikes. i built him a 650 and a touring
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bike, and this was the voltage regulator from the touring bike and it pooped out. so bruce got stuck by the side of the road and these guys picked him up and took him where he needed to go. i called up bruce and said, i read you broke down on a bike. was it the bike we built for you? he said, yeah. i said, i'm sorry, man. but it's all fixed up and fine now. >> stephen: good. you do a good mccartney, a good bruce. do you ever do their numbers? >> yeah, all the time. >> stephen: in their voices? yeah, try to. i do tony bennett. >> stephen: you do tony? yeah, i used to do joe cocker a lot. >> stephen: what tony song do you do? >> what tony song do i do? ( mimicking tony ) >> stephen: you are beautiful! i love the young people, they got the energy. so much energy, the young people. we would sometimes do a new york
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state of mind at madison square garden with tony bennett. we would rehearse the ending. ♪ i'm in a new york state of -- ♪ drum roll ♪ ♪ -- mind then we would get to the live show and be singing it -- tony would say, new york, new york, greatest city in the world! the best town! greatest people! where is he going? follow tony i just love the energy! energy is great! but tony does what he wants to do, so you just follow tony and we got out of it okay. but you never know. >> stephen: we had bruce on here. i asked him to rank the top five bruce springsteen songs. would you do us the honor of ranking the top five billy joel songs? because people always shout out what they think the best songs
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are. if you were at a billy joel concert and yelling out you, what are the five songs you think. five, four, three, two, one. >> i think of it on stage what i want to see me do but i tend to like the album tracks. vienna. >> stephen: great song. i think that's my favorite song of yours. >> do you want vienna or just the way you are, they pick vienna. >> stephen: that's five. four. >> four, and so it goes. >> stephen: and so it goes. got it. >> you may be right. >> stephen: mm-hmm. number two. >> there is an obscure song called she's right on time. >> stephen: she's right on time. and can i have a drum roll, please. ( drum roll ) number one billy joel song is.
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>> italian restaurant. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you know, i would love to hear some of the stories behind, you know, some of these songs because teampeople think songs mean one thing but in fact we find out the songs mean something totally different to the artist who created them. you're a story teller with your songs. can we go to the true stories behind the hits? >> yeah, sure. >> stephen: great. because this is "true stories behind the hits"! ♪ ( cheers and applause ) welcome to the dark cave that is my studio now. this is true stories behind the hits. billy, what's the first hit that there is a true story behind tonight? >> "only the good die young" was the second title. the original was "the evil shall
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live forever." ( laughter ) >> stephen: fascinating, billy, fascinating. not many people know this, but billy's doo-wop song "the longest time" was inspired by how long it took his toaster strudel to cool from the microwave. ( laughter ) >> in "just the way you are," when i wrote the line "don't go changing", i was referring to the incredible hulk. >> stephen: most people know "captain jack" is about a drug dealer billy knew growing up. but his full name was "captain jack crunch" and the drug he dealt was crunchberries... and heroin. ( laughter ) >> in "tell her about it," the "it" i want him to tell her about is his third nipple. ( laughter ) >> stephen: only fair. it's only fair. in "scenes from an italian restaurant", the "bottle of red" was ketchup,
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and the "bottle of white" was "horsey sauce." the "italian restaurant" was an arby's. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> piano man was originally about a super hero character, "pianoman!" i wanted to make a movie where he teamed up with elton john's "rocket man" to fight bob dylan's "tambourine-man." ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: i love that. i would see that movie. the lyrics to "river of dreams" -- "in the middle of the night, i go walking in my sleep... to a river dreams" is about an adult bed wetter. ( laughter ) >> okay. a lot of people -- ( laughter ) a lot of people think "we didn't start the fire" was about cold war anxiety, but i actually wrote it because back then we didn't have wikipedia. so i just wrote one song that
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included everything that ever happened in history. >> stephen: thank you for that. >> you're welcome. >> stephen: "miami 2017" was written in 1975 but turned out to be prophetic. it is actually about a bunch of football players partying on a boat instead of practicing. ( applause ) and that was "true stories behind the hits." ( cheers and applause ) ♪ billy, i love miami 2017. is there any chance that we could get you to play that song? ( cheers and applause ) >> okay. >> stephen: really? yeah. >> stephen: all right. we'll be right back with billy joel. stick around. ( cheers and applause ) ♪
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! you know, folks, billy joel hasp coming tour dates in biflia, boston, chicago, cleveland, los angeles, atlanta and of course at madison square garden here in new york city. ladies and gentlemen, billy joel. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ seen the lights go out broadway ♪ i saw the empire state laid low ♪ and life went on beyond the palisades
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♪ they all bought cadillacs ♪ and left there long ago ♪ they held a concert out in brooklyn ♪ to watch the island bridges blow ♪ they turned our power down ♪ and drove us underground ♪ but we went right on with the show ♪ i've seen the lights go out on broadway ♪ i saw the ruins at my feet ♪ you know we almost didn't notice it
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♪ we'd seen it all the time on forty second street ♪ they burned the churches down in harlem ♪ like in that spanish civil war ♪ the flames were everywhere ♪ but no one really cared ♪ it always burned up there before ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ i've seen the lights go out on broadway ♪ i saw the mighty skyline fall ♪ the boats were waiting at the battery
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♪ the union went on strike ♪ they never sailed at all ♪ they sent a carrier out from norfolk ♪ and picked the yankees up for free ♪ they said that queens could stay ♪ and blew the bronx away ♪ and sank manhattan out at sea ♪ ♪ ♪ you know those lights were bright on broadway ♪ that was so many years ago ♪ before we all lived here in florida
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♪ before the mafia took over mexico ♪ there are not many who remember ♪ they say a handful still survive ♪ to tell the world about ♪ the way the lights went out ♪ and keep the memory alive ♪ ♪ ♪
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>> thank you! ( cheers and applause ) billy joel, everybody! we'll be right back! stick around! that gentleman got the last one. sir, you give me that salad and i will pay for your movie and one snack box. can i keep the walnuts? sold. but i get to pick your movie. can i pick the genre? yes, but it has to be a comedy. a little cash back on the side. with the blue cash everyday card from american express, you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. throw. it's more than cash back. it's backed by the service and security of american express. watry...duo fusiong heartburn relief? it's more than cash back. duo fusion goes to work in seconds and lasts up to 12 hours. tums only lasts up to 3. for longer lasting one chewable tablet try duo fusion from the makers of zantac
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♪ ( cheers and applause )
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rise to the occasion. it's not delivery. it's digiorno.
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back, folks. you know my next guest tonight as sawyer in "lost." he now stars in the usa network drama, "colony." please welcome josh holloway! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: wow. billy joel was just sitting here, you know. >> stephen: do you feel the greatness? do you feel the greatness in the seat? >> i should probably sit over there, because it's too great for me. >> stephen: that's all right. no, fantastic. who gets to come on and have billy joel open for you?
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come on! ( laughter ) >> stephen: this job doesn't suck is what i learn ever so often. >> it's kind of good. >> stephen: i have one bone to pick with you. you have a tan. it's january. where have you been? >> i have been in hawaii, my friend. i just got back. >> stephen: you went to visit the smoke monster? >> there they call it paca. >> stephen: they do? i'm kidding. >> stephen: i'm not sure i would want to go to the beach after eating over christmas. >> it was a note to self -- do not schedule your beach vacation at the end of the holiday season because you are sporting the dad bod like there's no business, you know. >> stephen: i could go dad bod to dad bod for you. >> dude, ready. >> stephen: buddy, no. i would beat you today, so i'm not going to sport it because i could really get
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there. so i was sporting the dad bod on the beach before my kids wake up. >> stephen: how old are your kids? >> i have a 3-year-old o this month, hunter, and java is 7. so i'm building a sand castle, hot. sun comes up and my daughter is, like, dad, put a shirt on. it's, like, why, baby? we're at the beach. you're fat. i'm, like -- >> stephen: is your 7-year-old calling you fat? >> yes. she saw my expression. she goes -- just a little, daddy. just a little. like she's trying to save me from it. at the same time i'm looking down like this and my boy yells at some girl that walks by in a g string, and i'm, like, where did you learn that word?
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>> stephen: kids are humbling. yes! >> stephen: i'm from south carolina. you're from georgia, i understand. >> yes. >> stephen: are you from real georgia or are you from, like, atlanta? >> i would be more dirt road and dogs. >> stephen: what part of the state are you from? >> north georgia. >> stephen: up near tennessee, south carolina. >> where we would get our fireworks because they weren't legal. >> stephen: south carolina, we have a death wish, all fireworks are legal in south carolina. >> legal? >> stephen: totally. they're fantastic. they have wearhouses up there in your part of the woods that you can blow up america. they have, like -- not that we need -- >> stephen: i'm sorry. what was that? ( laughter ) what was that gesture you were just doing? because we can't show that on cbs. i'm going to say that's a rocket. >> that was a rocket, yes. >> stephen: now, the new show you've got on u.s.a. is called
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"colony" about aliens who have landed in los angeles and they've taken over part of the government, right? >> yes. >> stephen: yes? yes. >> stephen: are the aliens more vicious than most people in los angeles? people in hollywood? >> can we say equal? >> stephen: sure, okay. o my guy is an f.b.i. agent, and when the walls went up, we had the idea first, bozo. ( laughter ) you know who i'm talking about. nobody. so the walls go up, our family is separated, and my guy is trying to get them back together and survive. so it's centered around a family, but it's a microcosm for the entire planet. >> stephen: do you believe in all yens? >> i do. there must be aliens. look at me. ( laughter ) >> stephen: what about you? only an alien would consider
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that a dad bod. ( laughter ) >> there has to be aliens, right? >> stephen: i would like this think there are aliens but why haven't they contacted us yet? >> they're putting in the proxy government now, if you haven't figured that out. >> stephen: possible. meet meet. thank you for being here. season 2 of colony starts thursday on u.s.a. network. josh holloway, everybody!
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yeah! that's it for the late show. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be andrew garfield, erin andrews, and musical guest cage the elephant. now stick around for james corden and his guests, neil patrick harris, sienna miller, and tom ford. goodnight! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where you come from it's gonna be all right ♪ it's the late, late show ♪ ladies and


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