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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  January 19, 2017 11:35pm-12:38am EST

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have a good night family, and have a good night family, and sleep well captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: hi. i'm sorry. aren't you sonny pawar? >> yes. >> stephen: i loved your performance in lion. >> thank you. >> stephen: it was so heart warming. i would love to have you on my show some time. >> i would love to. >> stephen: that would be fantastic. wait a minute. didn't i hear you learned all your lines phonetically and you don't speak english? >> i only speak hindi. >> stephen: then how are we having this conversation? did you just memorize a bunch of answers and they line up with my questions? >> chocolate chip, ask me. >> stephen: that didn't make any sense. >> hey, i did not write the script. >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert!
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tonight, stephen welcomes johnny galecki, chris matthews and musical guest "bash and pop," featuring johnny galecki and "stay human." and -- jon batiste and "stay human." now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: whoo! >> jon: hey! >> stephen: hey! what's going on? welcome to "the late show"! i'm stephen colbert, and i'm happy to be with all tonight. nice to be with a wonderful crowd. to be with you people tonight makes me feel warm and safe
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because we are 12 and a half hours away from donald trump's inauguration. it's real! it's real! you know, it's happening! we all knew this day would come. it's inevitable -- like death, and never seeing his taxes. ( laughter ) i don't know if you were watching the tv this afternoon. trump flew to washington on a plane that looked eerily like air force one. when i say "flew," i don't mean he flew the plane. i mean, you wouldn't want to trust something that important to someone with zero experience. ( laughter ) ( applause ) would be very dangerous. would be very dangerous. to all the passengers. to all the passengers. ( applause ) he was accompanied, of course, by future first lady melania, who dressed in mr. trump's favorite style: russian spy. ( laughter ) no one is really sure what
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trump's going to do once he is in office, but this week he explained to "the washington post" how he plans to deliver on his hat's campaign promise. >> how are people going to know that america is great again? it's a subjective thing-- >> i'm going to tell them. >> stephen: yeah, he's going to tell 'em. america will be great when he says it is. like your dad saying, "you love colonial williamsburg! we drove all the way here from st. louis, so you are having fun, mister!" this is fun! ♪ we drove here in an 18-wheeler! i'm jac jackknifing! ( laughter ) and trump knows the one way to make the people feel great is military parades.
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>> and we're going to show the people, as we build up our military, we're going to display our military. we're going to display it. that military may come marching down pennsylvania avenue. that military may be flying over new york city and washington, d.c. >> stephen: yes, he's going to show our military in totally non-threatening ways by flying it over two cities full of people that didn't vote for him. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) i will pull this f-14 around, sir! ( laughter ) sounds a little spooky, but president-elect trump is just taking inspiration from some of the greatest democracies in history, like north korea, russia, and china.
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see? that guy was so excited, he wanted to be the head of the tank parade. i can't wait for next year's macy's parade, when snoopy is replaced by an f-15. of course, if trump really wants to review the military marching down pennsylvania avenue, he's going to need a new haircut. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: got to get a new doo to go to the ball. >> stephen: i don't want anybody to be afraid he's going to be a dictator. i'm sure he's going to be warm and loving. he won't crush anybody underneath his hob-nail boot. they have a concert in front to have the lincoln memorial, and, of course, the president is always there, and he enters to
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music, but instead of "hail to the chief," our new loving president entered to -- ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: he entered to heart of stone. >> jon: wow, wow. >> stephen: i hope he was talking about the statue of lincoln behind him. what else is going on? senate hearings began today for former texas governor rick perry to become our new secretary of energy. which is kind of awkward, i think there's a herd of texas cattle in here! in 2011, perry said he wanted to abolish the department of energy... sort of.
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>> it's three agencies of government, when i get there, that are gone. commerce, education, and the-- what's the third one there? let's see. >> stephen: ha, ha! remember when we thought someone could be too dumb to be president? ( cheers and applause ) those were good times! mmm! this morning, perry changed his, i want to say, mind? >> my past statements made over five years ago about abolishing the department of energy do not reflect my current thinking. in fact, after being briefed on so many of the vital functions of the department of energy, i regret recommending its elimination. >> stephen: now that he knows what the department does, he likes it! i remember hitting puberty and feeling the same way about my man parts. ( laughter ) oh! oh! what's happening?!
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oh! so they're not just in the way when i run? they serve a purpose. i'm not going to eliminate them. ( laughter ) according to "the new york times," perry originally thought the job of secretary of energy was being a global ambassador for the american oil and gas industry, but now he knows he'll be in charge of the united states' nuclear arsenal. ( audience reacts ) and as one member of the transition team put it about perry's education, "it's been a learning curve." but come on, how hard could it be? it's not like understanding our intercontinental ballistic missile system takes a rocket scientist. i mean, the outgoing secretary ernest moniz is only a nuclear physicist. meanwhile, in college, perry studied animal husbandry. ( laughter ) which means he knows how sheep
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do it. ( laughter ) that could come in handy in the afterscape. got to raise the sheep to trade them for, like, potable water and women. ( laughter ) everybody calm down. look, we can trust the guy with the nukes. he was governor of texas, for god sakes. he was on "dancing with the stars." ( square dance music ) >> stephen: tell my wife i love her. we've got a great show for you tonight. from "the big bang theory," johnny galecki is here. but when we come back, we'll be joined by an old friend to do "the werd." so stick around. ( cheers and applause ) ♪
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♪ ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: jon batiste and "stay human," everybody! give it up for the band! ( cheers and applause ) how are you doing tonight? >> jon: i'm feeling great. >> stephen: you feel good? >> jon: great. >> stephen: i'm glad. i tell ya, i feel a little weird. it's a little odd tonight because tonight marks the end of the presidency of barack hussein obama, and whether or not you ever voted for him, we can all agree, eight years later, it's still kind of crazy that his middle name is "hussein." i can't believe he got elected. ( laughter ) so much has happened during the obama years -- the great recession, the affordable care act, that black and blue dress. >> jon: it was white and gold! >> stephen: we are not doing this again! >> jon: you're crazy! ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: now, i tried to come up with a way to talk about barack obama's legacy tonight, but after looking at the scope of his presidency, i realized that anyone who thinks they can sum up the last eight years in a few minutes would have to be a delusional egomaniac. >> did someone say "delusional egomaniac?" ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: who's that? >> it's me. stephen colbert. talking to you live from my cabin in the mountains of justice. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: ub talking to us from the place you live with jon stewart? >> yeah, jon's sorry he can't be here. he's out in the woods, teaching a wounded moose to read. >> stephen: sounds like john.
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now, if i remember correctly, you're not the character i played for ten years on another show? >> no. how many times do i have to scream at the lawyers, that's my identical twin cousin stephen colbert? i'm stephen colbert it's easy to tell us apart. he has a birthmark that looks like mary kate. mine looks like ashley. >> stephen: noted. i'm sorry. well, do you think you've got it in you to talk about barack obama's presidency? >> stephen, my middle name is "got it in me." >> stephen: okay, then i'll step aside. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome conservative pundit stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪
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>> stephen: yes! ♪ >> stephen: thanks, everybody. ♪ >> hello, nation. please, have a seat. you deserve it because you're the "it getters." well, well, well... at long last, our america-hating, secret-muslim, lead-from-behind, terrorist fist-bumping hopey-changey apologist-in-chief is leaving office. i've got just one thing to say to him, and it's tonight's "werd." ( cheers and applause ) thanks, obama. look, i'll admit, barack obama made a few good choices. for instance -- ( cheers and applause )
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-- he expanded the drone program, spied on american citizens through the n.s.a., let the wall street banks get even bigger, and never closed guantanamo. but other than that, and i don't want to exaggerate here-- every year of the obama regime felt like he was strangling a bald eagle with an american flag while taking a dump on an apple pie. that's why i want to say, thanks, obama. you reminded guys like me what we truly stand for-- the opposite of whatever you said. obama said he was born in the united states, so we said he wasn't. obama said we should save the american auto industry, so we said, let it die. of course, opposing everything he said sometimes meant abandoning our beliefs.
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just take "obamacare"-- he said it was going to help people. we said that was socialism, even though we know it was based on romneycare. ( laughter ) still, throughout everything, obama was our north star. ( cheers and applause ) whatever his position, we knew to point the emotional needle in the opposite direction. you say he expanded civil rights by repealing "don't ask don't tell?" i say, just imagine you're a marine pinned down in fallujah, and your buddy comes to save you, but then you remember he kisses boys-- so you say forget it and join isis. ( laughter ) oh, the president killed bin laden, you say?
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well, i say, he hated traditional marriage so much that he sent seal team six to kill a guy with three wives. but now the obama era is coming to an end. and on behalf of everyone who opposed you, i just want to say... please don't go. ( cheers and applause ) i mean, honestly -- without you, what do we believe? i mean, we had six years to come up with something to replace obamacare-- and the best we've got right now is paul ryan going door to door with a tub of flintstones vitamins. ( laughter )
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i know obama wanted to be a transformative president, and he was -- he transformed me. and now i have no idea who that is! ( laughter ) and now, frankly, without him in opposition, i'm scared to be alone with my own thoughts! it's like that song about how fun it is to pave paradise and put up a parking lot -- you don't know what you've got till it's gone. so, i know, the constitution says you've gotta go, but i'll miss ya. you were a worthy adversary, a leader of vision, patience, dignity, passion, and humanity. and it really felt good fighting for the opposite of all that. and with our next president, i think we won. so for the last time -- from me, the real stephen colbert -- i
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just want to say, thanks obama. and that's "the werd." ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back with the other stephen colbert and johnny galecki. ♪ ( cheers and applause ) thiswith fries and a pepsiger mis just $9.99. mine has bacon seared right in. mine has gift cards. mine has game tickets. get a burger, fries and a pepsi for just $9.99 at lunch, plus a shot at great prizes. ♪ ♪ give extra. get extra.
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♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! welcome back, everybody! my first guest tonight is an emmy-nominated actor you know and love from "the big bang theory." he now stars in the horror movie, "rings."
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( eerie music ) ( phone ringing ) >> hello. seven days... >> stephen: great, now we're all gonna die. ( laughter ) please welcome johnny galecki. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: wow! thank you so much. >> stephen: happy to have you here. >> thank you for having me. my first time here, thank you so much. >> stephen: and my first time having you. ( laughter ) >> it can't be said enough. what y'all do here is not only brilliant but so incredibly important. so thank you. ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: very nice of you to say. well, of course it's important because we work for cbs. >> you do. >> stephen: and everything is important on cbs. we're both members to have the cbs family. i think mom loves you more than me, but it's a wonderful place. >> what did you get for christmas? >> stephen: 200 more shows. yeah, exactly! mom might love you more, in fact. >> stephen: and a president to make fun of. >> i'll put it this way, no one on our show has a ten-story neon sign of their name outside the stage. after i saw that i felt like the unwanted redheaded stepchild at cbs. >> stephen: i think you have been a successful pro longer than i have. how old were you in roseanne, because that was your big break. ( applause ) >> 16 to 20. >> stephen: 16 to 20. yeah. >> stephen: you were from
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california? >> chicago. >> stephen: fantastic town. where in chicago? >> west side, oak park. >> stephen: okay, sure. frank lloyd wright. >> yeah. >> stephen: was that hard for you as a teenager living out there? did your family, like, take care of you out there? >> i lived alone at the time. >> stephen: you were 16 and lived alone in los angeles? >> i lived alone when i was 15 before i started on the show, yeah. >> stephen: did you get in trouble, johnny galecki? because if i was 15 and had a tv show, i think i might have partied a little bit. ( laughter ) who was taking care of you? john goodman? ( laughter ) >> he did take me to my first strip club, as a matter of fact. >> stephen: oh, all right. don't come back here again, johnny. >> we were kids. sorry, john. >> stephen: online, you have been were outspoken about donald trump. >> a little bit. >> stephen: a little bit, yeah. >> been a little hard for me to keep my mouth shut. >> stephen: inauguration is
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tomorrow. get an invitation? ( laughter ) i did not. they lost mine in the mail. i would have loved to have gone. >> i'm not going to make it. >> stephen: not? not to be unpatriotic or anything, but it's laundry day tomorrow, so that's what i will be doing. ( applause ) you're welcome to come over and join me. >> stephen: that would be fantastic. >> we'll do whites. >> stephen: we'll do some del cats. >> yeah. >> stephen: i think all the whites are going to be at the inauguration. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) a joke. a joke. just a joke. >> yeah. >> stephen: now you're doing the "rings" movie. okay, where the girl comes out of the well and, seven days later, everybody dies. >> yes. >> stephen: same basic idea i see from the little promo there. >> yes. >> stephen: do you like horror movies? >> some, yeah. >> stephen: i don't care for them. i love this one. >> thank you. >> stephen: but i don't like
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the jump scares and i don't like to be -- >> oh, i like to be startled. i can't take the ones with the religious overtones. >> stephen: like the "exorcist"? >> i don't like a frame of that movie. >> stephen: that seems real. i was raised catholic, which was wonderful, too, but i saw them when i was too young. >> stephen: how old were you when you saw the exorcist? >> when i was eight. i was watching it like it was a friggin' documentary. it wasn't really explained to me. >> stephen: based on a true story, you know. >> "the omen," any of that genre i just can't. >> stephen: when i see a horror movie and i'm scared about it because i'm in show business, i take a moment to think about how it was like to make the scene. like can somebody clip my hair back because i have to eat
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chili. >> it kind of takes the scare out of it when you're on set and see the clips back. they're not so hard to make. it's about the fog in the background and the spooky lighting and stuff like that. i've only done a few and it's years in between each one, and every time i do one, i remember why. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, "the big bang theory," you're in your tenth season now, right? >> yes. >> stephen: 20 million people watch every week. ( cheers and applause ) >> it's all you guys. >> stephen: just keeps getting bigger. now, the sure sign that you are a huge hit is when other countries will engage in copyright infringement to steal -- >> blatant plagiarism. >> stephen: i understand that happened to "the big bang theory." >> it did a few years ago in belarus. they didn't even try. it was the same dialogue, same
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wardrobe. >> stephen: okay. apparently, i heard the cast found out about it. i think it was called "the theorist." there really was no effort at all. >> stephen: so the cast over there did not know? >> they did not know and, to their credit, when they found out, they walked. >> stephen: what do they speak over there. >> belarus-ia? ( laughter ) >> stephen: this is "the big bang theory," i'm being told it's in russian, actually. >> is it? okay. ( speaking in foreign language )
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>> wow. >> stephen: that is perfect, just in time for the trump administration. ( laughter ) you've got some built-in fans. >> yeah. >> stephen: i understand you're also a musician? >> oh, that's putting it generously. >> stephen: is it really? yeah. >> stephen: what is this? you stalk my instagram. >> stephen: you're actually sexy looking there. not that you're not sexy. what i mean is you're working a sexy look. >> well, no, i'm not in a band. i have been playing benefits with some friends. i have been playing with a wonderful band called bad flower. >> stephen: are you in the band? no, not officially. >> stephen: do you have a band? >> i don't. do you want to start one? >> stephen: sure. tomorrow. >> it's laundry day. ( applause ) >> stephen: well, "rings" opens february 3 and "the big bang theory" airs thursdays at
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8:00, 7:00 central on cbs. johnny galecki, everybody. we'll be right back, stick around! ♪ ( cheers and applause ) the first - ever chevy cruze hatch... but more importantly, i wanted to get your opinions. (bark) you wanna check it out? (bark) the cruze has apple carplay compatibility. so when you plug your iphone in, some of your favorite apps show up. (bark) plenty of space for all of mia's friends. or not. gotta go! current qualified lessees can get a sign and drive lease on this first-ever cruze hatchback. plus, find your tag and get an additional $500 lease cash on select chevy vehicles. find new roads at your local chevy dealer. knows how it feels to seees your numbers go up, despite your best efforts. but what if you could turn things around?
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( ( band playing ) ). >> stephen: hey! welcome back to the show already in progress, ladies and gentlemen! folks, my next guest tonight has been covering politics for 30 years. he's the host of "hardball." please welcome chris matthews! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: nice to see you. i was just asking as you were
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coming up here is this the first time you have been on the new show because you were always on the old show. >> you would get 100 bucks if somebody caught me eating a potato. >> stephen: that night, one of my writers went to dinner with you and caught you eating a potato. >> french fries. >> stephen: when we put up a picture of you on the old show we would hut up an idaho potato with your face on it. ( laughter ) uh you covered a lot of inaugurations and you were in the carter administration. what happens? what's the moment of transfer like? >> i work for a great guy who got beaten, jimmy carter, and i was speech writer so i had to clear out the office. >> stephen: you were in the office. >> the executive office building. i left the office 20 minutes to
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12:00 on inaugural day because you had to get out. i had my rolodex, box of papers. you walk out the door, your job is over. i realized because one of the speech writers stayed around to tell me what was going on afterwards. exactly noon on inaugural day, these guys come in with big color photographs, beautifully framed, and they create a new reality. trump's going to have him and melania's pictures all over the white house and all barack obama and his family pictures will be gone. if you stick there during lunch and watch the transition, it was like obama was never there and trump was always there. it's a weird thing that goes on inside. >> stephen: they're cheering for democracy out there. >> is this a mixed audience? how many trump voters here are willing to say they voted for trump? ( applause )
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ha! they're in hiding. does trump become president when they're at oath or noon? >> this is the weird part. this is not funny. there is a general at omaha, nebraska, sac hearkdz and ehe does voice recognition and if a call comes 5 minutes till 12:00 from barack obama, he could start a nuclear war. 12:00 or 5 minutes after, a voice of trump comes, a war can start. >> stephen: when does he get the codes? >> tomorrow morning around 7:30, he goes in. i've heard when people of sound mind comes out of those meetings come out crying.
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it's hard for a normal human being to imagine. >> stephen: the oddest things about donald trump is it's not like i disagree with him. i'm not sure where he stands most of the time. it's the mercurial nature of him. he says he wants to keep people off balance. >> when i interviewed him, i got in trouble because i said what should happen to a woman who chooses to have an abortion under your plan? he said there has to be some punishment for her. ( audience reacts ) >> stephen: that's okay because the next day he took it back. >> yeah, a few hours later. he said he wouldn't rule out using nuclear weapons in europe. europe's small! if you blow up somebody, everybody gets blown up. he says, why do we make them if we're not going to use them? >> stephen: that's true. they say use it -- and lose it. >> yeah. during the break, he's a marketing genius.
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marketing, branding, how he made his money. do you know what we're talking about during the break? zoolander. >> stephen: zoolander 2? no, no, he's smarter than us on this one. he said zoolander works. zoolander 2 did not work and explained it to me. ( laughter ) it had to do with the timing. do you understand? he's a marketing guy. >> stephen: what did he mean the timing. >> there is a certain moment when people thought really good looking models were stupid and would be funny, but it stopped working again, it didn't work the second time. >> stephen: ths what he was thinking about when you were asking about women's right to choose? >> yeah... ( laughter ) the other funny thing was, you know, we sent the family christmas cards because we'd been interviewing him for 20 years. we sent a picture of our family. everybody does that. you would expect to get one back or thanks for the note or merry
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christmas or happy holidays. he sent it back autographed. ( laughter ) >> stephen: a photo of your family autographed by him? >> he said, beautiful family, donald trump, in a fed ex envelope. that's something else. >> stephen: that says to me, "nice family. mine now. my family. my name on it " . ( applause ) >> stephen: you said you had a thrill going up your leg hearing barack obama speak. eight years later, how's the thrill going up your leg? is it presently going back down your leg? and that could be deep-vein thrombosis. you should have that checked out. >> only the beginning of what i felt. >> stephen: so eight years later dcialghts. >> are you going to let me talk? >> stephen: really? you're accusing someone else of not letting them talk? wow! that is the potato calling the
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french fry starchy! unbelievable! please! i'll go over here! i've got a fresh hot cup of coffee. you have exactly one minute. >> here's a guy who lives what he talks. he said go get a clip board and runoffs if you don't like the way things are going. he got his butt kicked in southside chicago by bobby rush because he was too ivy league. he went into the suburbs of illinois, ran for the senate, won the u.s. senate race, gives the speech of a lifetime, that's when i said you just saw the first african-american president. >> stephen: 2004, boston. yeah. >> stephen: that's when he said his grandfather was a goat herder. >> yeah. >> stephen: he tried to outhumble everybody in america. >> it's a better movie than you can ever make about a president. he came from nowhere. he had the guts to do it, went
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out and did it. he's the finest president we've had. everything he's done, he's cut the unemployment rate in half, tripled the stock market as you said a minute ago, saved the auto industry, brought about marriage equality. he did so many things. i mean, he did it all, and there's not a bit of scandal. his family is completely perfect. the kids are perfect. he's every conservative's dream of a president, except he's not their dream of a president. it's just not the way it is, for whatever reason, that's my speech. >> stephen: please come back and give another speech once we know what trump is doing in reality because the hard thing about trump is you don't know what he's going to do, and i would love to to talk with you about something that's actually on the books to judge. >> yeah, he's unpredictable, but, thanks. >> stephen: >> stephen: you can catch chris matthews' all-day coverage of the inauguration on msnbc. chris matthews, everybody! we'll be right back with a performance by bash and pop.
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ 1234 * ♪ oh the fishes will laugh as they swim out of the path ♪ "when the ship comes in" by the hollies ♪ and the seagulls they'll be smilin ♪ ♪ and the rocks on the sand it's so peaceful out here. yeah. introducing the new turbocharged volkswagen alltrack
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>> stephen: here performing "on the rocks," please welcome bash and pop! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ our home rose up through the cracks ♪ where the whores left their dreams ♪ it's got a caged fountain and a holy mountain raining down unholy scenes ♪ how long do you think we can take it before we shake it? ♪ said how long do you think we can fake it before we break it? ♪ you can't just hide a love getting bitter ♪ it's not so sweet the words after dinner
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♪ comes as no shock we take our love on the rocks ♪ make it hurt cut deeper and deeper ♪ til were bleeding out for sure your broken father ♪ made a token mother it's no wonder you get bored ♪ how long do you think we can take it before we shake it? ♪ said how long do you think we can fake it before we break it? ♪ you can't just hide a love getting bitter ♪ it's not so sweet the words after dinner ♪ comes as no shock
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we take our love on the rocks ♪ bar keep, bar keep! make mine a double shot ♪ double shot double shot hey, hey ♪ ♪ ♪ it's all gone like a puff of smoke ♪ and the strange taste of fear the movie's over ♪ it couldn't get much duller than the sequel in 3d ♪ you can't just hide a love getting bitter ♪ it's not so sweet the taste after dinner ♪ you can't just hide
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it comes as no shock ♪ we take our love on the rocks no, it comes as no shock ♪ we take our love on the rocks ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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>> stephen: bash and pop, everybody! their album, "anything can happen" comes out tomorrow! ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: that's it for the "late show," everybody! tune in tomorrow when my guests will be jim gaffigan, cristela alonzo, and music guest the avett brothers. good night! now stick around for james corden. ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where you come from it's gonna be all right ♪ it's the late, late show ladies and

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