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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  August 1, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am EDT

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>> see you tomorrow. >> stephen: hello, and welcome to "the late show." last thursday at the democratic convention, the parents of a fallen u.s. soldier criticized donald trump, and, over the weekend, he repeatedly lashed out at them -- which got me thinking, is there anyone donald trump won't attack if they say bad things about him? first, a kindly old lady. >> hello. my collection of por ls have lar s than donald trump -- and larger penises! >> stephen: all right, let's see what they have to say about that on the old twitter feed. nothing yet. next, a kindergartener with an adorable speech impediment. >> i just got back from epcot,
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expewience than donald twump. >> stephen: and nothing so far, so let's move on to this kitten. there you go. hold on. (laughter) oh, here we go! yeah, trump seems upset and the kitten (bleep) all over my desk. >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert. tonight, stephen davis, simon helberg. featuring jon batiste and "stay human." it's "late show" in new york city with stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) ?
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>> stephen: welcome to the late show. thank you so much! thank you so much! hey, jon! how are you, my man? good to see ya! (audience chanting stephen) thanks, everybody! (cheers and applause) hey! welcom i'm your host stephen colbert. i'm not sure what happened with the door just now. i think i may have left my pass key backstage. everybody have a good weekend? (cheers and applause) yeah, that's nice. you know who didn't? donald trump. (laughter) a lot of people are talking about donald trump and russia now. and not just because of how much he resembles russian dressing. (laughter) rumor is that trump is soft on putin because he's hundreds of
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putin's billionaire cronies -- something trump's campaign manager, paul manafort, strongly denied on "cbs this morning" last week. >> so to be clear, mr. trump has no financial relationships with any russian oligarchs? >> that's -- that's what he said. that's what i said. that's obviously what our position is. >> stephen: yeah, i don't care, i don't care, so that's clear, he said it, i said it, so, it's -- it's there are no bodies buried in the backyard, and there's no need to check. and mr. trump has certainly not made his face out of human skin from his victims. and that's our position. (laughter) then, yesterday, trump attempted to show how tough he would be with putin if he ever tried to invade ukraine. >> he's not going to go into ukraine, all right? just so you understand. he's not going to go into ukraine. all right? you can mark it down, and you can put it down, you can take it
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pocket, take it to the bank. you can wrap it in a burrito. you can stick it under your chair when the flavor's gone. you can display it on a nice mirrored tray with some lemon wedges, summer salad, really fresh. what were we talking about? yeah, mark it down. tattoo it on the back of your neck, nick you want. (applause) it was a great answer. except for this. >> he's not going to go into ukraine. to go into ukraine. >> he's alrea t >> stephen: oh, my god! damn it, donald! you have to warn a guy before you pop your mouth into reverse like that! and stephanopoulos must have a neck made of steel because then trump told him in no uncertain terms that he doesn't know putin. >> i have no relationship with putin. i have no relationship. >> stephen: okay, no relationship. but what did trump of three years ago say about putin? >> i do have a plaiption, and i
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interested in what we are doing here today. i do have a relationship with him. >> stephen: okay. okay! (applause) okay. well this, relationship, did you meet him in moscow? >> i didn't meet him in moscow. >> okay. and trump two years ago? with president putin, who could not have been nicer. (applause) >> stephen: okay, um... (cheering) doctor says i've got to wear this until the election's over so i don't claw my eyes out.
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thankfully, stephanopoulos just asked trump flat out if he and putin have a relationship. >> you did say on three different occasions you had a relationship with him. now you say there is not. >> well, i don't know what it means by having a relationship. i mean, he was saying very good things about me. i don't have a relationship with him. i didn't meet him. i haven't spent time with him. i didn't have dinner with him. i didn't go hiking with him. >> stephen: i didn't have dinner with him. di we certainly didn't sit on a hilltop, gazing at the starry sky, and putin didn't point out a shooting star, and i definitely didn't say, "my wish already came true." didn't do that. none of that happened, no relationship. >> jon: didn't happen. >> stephen: just this afternoon, i think cnn's fareed zakaria summed up trump's flip flopping in a remarkable live analysis. >> there is a term for this kind of thing. this is the mode of a bull
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: i want to point out cbs bleeped that word. cnn did not bleep that word. they didn't know it was coming but fareed could not control himself. i agree. it is b.s., and trump's campaign is like art: it's hard to understand, and when you see it, you think, "my seven-year-old. could do that." (laughter) (applause) speaking of things that happen every four years and are filled with poop, the 2016 rio games start friday, and there are some concerns. athletes swimming in the heavily poluted guanabara bay have been warned by health experts to keep their mouths closed in the toxic stew. okay? mouth closed. or heads out of the water. i can't wait to see who takes home the gold in the olympic
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(laughter) (applause) (piano riff) their image may be tarnished, but the international olympic committee is still hyper-protective of their brand. in fact, for legal reasons, i can't even show you the actual olympic rings. instead, i'll just put up five cbs logos. (laughter) statement warning that "commercial entities may not post about the games on their social media accounts or use trademarked hashtags such as #rio-2016 #team-u.s.a." not only that, but you can't use the little throwing-up emoticon because that represents an olympic swimmer. (laughter) but still, i wouldn't want to get in trouble with the olympics. so no hashtag team u.s.a., and
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that's right, a-limb-pic! (applause) save them! (laughter) (applause) trade them with your friends all summer. make your own a-limb-pic games! say hi to jon batiste and stay human. (band playg) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: now, normally, if people were accusing a presidential candidate of cozying up to vladimir putin, that would be the biggest scandal he'd ever face.
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scandal this weekend, which brings us to tonight's werd. werd! (applause) what the family?! for space considerations, we had to shorten it to "what the eff?" but know that it means "what the family?! one of the most moving parts of the democratic convention was a speech given by khizr and ghazala khane army captain killed in iraq, who called out trump for his anti-muslim bias. >> donald trump consistently smears the character of muslims. you have sacrificed nothing. >> stephen: strong words from a grieving parent. mr. trump, your response? >> i think i've made a lot of sacrifices. i work very, very hard. i've created thousands and thousands of jobs, tens of thousands of jobs, built great
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i've had -- i've had tremendous success. >> stephen: yes, trump's sacrificed a lot. first, humility. (laughter) then, trump went after the grieving mother, implying she wasn't allowed to speak because she's muslim. >> if you look at his wife, she was standing there. she had nothing to say. she probably -- maybe she wasn't allowed to have anything to say. >> stephen: yes, trump knows a good husband allows his wife to say something -- now, an ordinary candidate -- an ordinary candidate, when faced with near universal condemnation would stop there. but this morning, trump took to twitter to go after the dad again, tweeting, "mr. khan, who does not know me, viciously attacked me from the stage of the d.n.c. and is now all over t.v. doing the same - nice!"
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judge a presidential candidate unless you've met them? well, i've met donald trump, so i'm on solid ground when i say, donald, you're being a dad-bag. which again, due to space, we've had to shorten. clearly, donald trump's problem is he says things that get him in trouble. the only solution is for him to say things that get him into more trouble. it's worked until now. this entire campaign, trump's made us forget about his crazy statements by saying something even crazier. he announced his campaign by calling mexicans murderers and rapists, which seemed terrible, until he said john mccain wasn't a war hero because he had been
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(cheers and applause) p.o.s. stands for "part of society." and we were shocked, until he made us forget mccain by saying megyn kelly had blood coming out of her "wherever." (laughter) (applause) but he outdid that by saying we should ban muslims from entering the country. then he madefo of his penis, which seemed shocking until he implied ted cruz's father helped kill j.f.k. the next terrible thing fixes the previous terrible thing. it's the like the old woman who swallowed a fly, only trump would never be seen with an older woman. (laughter) now, personally, i'm reminded of winston churchill who once said, those who fail to learn from history are doomed to-- trump said
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trump's going to have to say something outrageous to make us forget these things he said about the parents of a fallen soldier. but if he succeeds at making us forget, he'll get to say the craziest thing i can imagine. and if that day comes, we are all f...amily-ed. * and that's the werd. we'll be right back with the man himself, donald trump. (cheers and applause) (bpl when i crave a smoke that's all i crave. that's where this comes in. only nicorette gum has patented dual-coated technology for great taste. plus nicorette gum gives you intense craving relief. and that helps put my craving in its place. that's why i only choose nicorette. today we're talking about automotive awards.
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(band playing) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey!
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let's talk about something else besides donald trump. like donald trump. if you've been watching how angry trump got about questions over russia, or how angry he was about being criticized by a gold star family, you might have missed how angry trump is about the presidential debate schedule. >> i'll tell you what, i don't like that it's against two nfl games. i got a letter from the nfl saying, this is ridiculous. why are the debates against? because the nfl doesn't want to go against the debates because the debates are going to be pretty massive, from what i understand. i don't like dates against-- against the nfl. >> stephen: he's right. what are people going to want to watch: a vicious bloodsport, or football? now the nfl says they never sent him any letter. i'm not sure how to describe this. fareed? >> this is the mode of a bull ( bleep ) artist. (laughter) (applause) okay. thank you. (piano riff)
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(laughter) some folks are saying trump is just finding a reason to bail on these debates. and i think donald trump deserves the chance to respond in person. here to do it for him is cartoon donald trump. (cheers and applause) welcome, mister cartoon trump. thank you for being here. >> great to be here stephen, even though it's not fair that this interview is happening opposite rizzoli and ilses. great show. both those ladies are a ten. >> stephen: no doubt. mr. trump, are you using nfl games as an excuse to get out of debating hillary clinton? >> absolutely not, stephen. crooked hillary is the one who got them scheduled at the same time as football. the f.b.i. said so. emails. benghazi. >> stephen: that's a powerful argument. >> i thought. so >> stephen: okay, but there are two debates scheduled on october 4 and 19, that are not opposite football games. >> can't do it, stephen.
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the battle of new york. fire on ice! also, liev schreiber's birthday. >> stephen: okay, what about october 19? >> not gonna happen. too important for america. >> stephen: what's on the 19th? >> billy idol, live at the vegas house of blues! s it's a bad day for a debating s idol. >> one of his lesser known hits. >> stephen: sorry. what did you say? >> it's one of his lesser known hits. (laughter) >> stephen: donald, if you don't debate, people won't know who to vote for on election day. >> uh, good point. can't do election day on tuesday, november 8. no way.
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>> it's taco tuesday, stephen. mexican heritage. totally biased. >> stephen: cartoon donald trump everyone! we'll be right back with viola davis! (cheers and applause) whoo at the the lincoln summer invitation sales event, it's time to relax. the brake, the brake stays engaged and you stay put. taking the legwork out of stop and go traffic. and even hills. that's the more human side of engineering. this is the lincoln summer invitation, hurry in now to your dealer for limited time offers. lease a lincoln mkx for $349 a month or get 0% apr for 60 months and just announced $1,000 summer invitation bonus.
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>> nobody does. >> stephen: please welcome viola davis! ( band playing ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i gotta say, in away. >> i'm a bad-ass. >> stephen: that's what i understand. (applause) before we get to the movie, congratulations on your emmy nominations, speaking of bad-ass. >> thank you. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: and last year, when you won, you quoted harriet tubman. >> i did. >> stephen: yeah. and as i was sitting in my seat, i was negotiating with myself thinking it probably
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harriet tubman at this present moment, and then i remember doing the speech and my husband said afterwards, you know what, v, i didn't know where you were going, but i'm glad you took it home! (laughter) >> stephen: and now, if i got this right, you're going to be playing harriet tubman. >> i am. >> stephen: okay. (cheers and applause) harriet tubman's having a moment right now. >> harriet tubman should have a moment. i mean, listen, if there is hero, it's harriet tubman. i mean, we know that she freed the slaves and, you know, when you think of what's involved with freeing slaves at that time, unbelievable, but she was also involved in the woman's suffrage movement, she spearheaded red cross, she was the only woman who fought in a military raid, ever. (cheers and applause)
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tub-maniacs. >> yeah. (laughter) >> stephen: she's going to be on the 20 now. >> yeah. >> stephen: now that you've done studying up on her, any recommendations on how maybe she should be pictured on the $20 bill? >> okay, now, i don't like guns. i told you that, right? >> stephen: you didn't tell me that. >> i don't like guns. but, that being said, when i had a discussion with the writer, i said, yo you know see her with a gun, and a big gun like a shotgun! because i want to hear it. he said, i think a pistol is pretty good. i said, no, no, that's small. he said, let me show you a picture of a pistol back in that day, it's like a sword. i said, i'll keep it. so harriet with a piss to be would be good for the $20 bill.
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they'll want their own gun after that. >> they don't need a gun. you know, they have their own thing. >> stephen: really okay. sure. and trump talks about his all the time. (laughter) i like the idea of harriet tubman coming in and racking her gun one handed and say i'm here to free slaves -- (laughter) you play in "suicide squad." >> yes. i play amanda wall snore she wants to create a squad to get bad guys to go good things. >> yes. >> stephen: you're the ring leader. >> i am. >> stephen: did you have a gang or make people things do for you growing up? >> i had one gang member. >> stephen: that's a small gang. >> i remember his last name,
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thing going on, because i had big muscles. this is when i was seven years old. he said, we can make good money off your muscles. we can charge ten cents! i said, okay. i got five cents, he got five cents. so we would line everybody up during recess, he would line them up, slap them in the head and say, what do you have to say to viola? they would cal we'd take ten cents from each person and i'd beat the crap out of 'em. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: nice dress. mm-hmm. >> stephen: your character is willing to throw people under bus in this movie. >> yes. >> stephen: that's kind to have the legend of her. >> yes. >> stephen: you ever throw anybody under the bus? >> my sister anita. >> stephen: older, younger? older than i am.
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she would grow her fingernails so she would be a better fighter. she's a very sweet woman, so it sounds bad, but you have the to know the environment. >> stephen: she would scratch people with her fingernails? >> at least it was an option. if i've got three kids coming at me, because i was sort of bullied even though i loved my childhood, so if three kids came at me and i would get nervous, i'd say, i'm going to get my i would go get her and say three kids are coming and you have to do something. she had a method, she would growl and drool. >> stephen: really? he did it, i recommend it. that's an answer, i recommend it. tool with a little brick in your
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sister's coming, you don't want to deal with her. >> they were terrified of her. >> stephen: that'sless "suicide squad" and more "billy goat gruff." (laughter) >> stephen: you own your own production company. >> juvy productions. >> stephen: you're producing something called "american cocoa" about an agency that solved -- and this is a quote -- "sticky racial situations what is the difference between a sticky racial situation and just racism? what's the difference between the two of those? >> okay, racism probably would be if you -- i don't know -- denied someone entrance into the bathroom because they were black. that's racist. but sticky is like when i was doing a movie, doing it with my
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woman -- >> stephen: yeah, you can say it on air. >> -- this caucasian woman had her fingers in my hair and said i'm going to make it really pretty. and she put white goo in it -- >> stephen: white or only goo whitepeople would use? >> goo white people would use. she put it in my hair and the goo in it. i wanted to say, this isn't going to work but i knew i would be insulting her. i went to the set and slowly the sun caught my hair and my whole 'fro turned white. >> stephen: that's a sticky racial situation. >> because then you've got to talk about hair and you have to say, you don't know what to do with my hair. you can't say that because you would insult her. that would be american cocoa.
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will fix that? >> she would fix it. she would be my spokesperson. >> stephen: you have lovely hair today. (applause) >> and by the way, when you put water on a 'fro, if it's this big, it will become this big. it shrinks. that's just a little lesson. and steam, forget it. >> stephen: the 'fro shrinks. itoe does it make it shrink more? >> this is sticky. this would qualify as a sticky racial situation. >> stephen: all right. that's the part we're taking out. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: thank you, viola. "suicide squad" is in theaters this friday. viola davis, everybody! we'll be right back. ? bud light party here to discuss equal pay.
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(band playing) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my next guest stars as howard wolowitz, the dickie-wearing genius on "the big bang theory." now he's co-starring with meryl streep in the new movie "florence foster jenkins." please welcome simon helberg! ( band playing ) (cheers and applause) i like that. i like the hop, the energy. >> moving quickly. i got >> stephen: you don't have anyplace to go for the next seven minutes, i hope. >> no, i can hang out. how's it going. >> stephen: great. how about with you? season 10 of "the big bang theory" is about to start. (cheers and applause) >> i like the dome. weird when a man sits down and says "nice dome" to a stranger. >> stephen: i can handle it.
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>> do you know something i don't? >> stephen: no, but ten years, quite an achievement. >> no, but we're having a great time doing the show. we'll keep going if people will have us. >> stephen: i think they will. i'm confident that people will have you. don't worry about that. i understand you almost didn't do this job. >> yes. >> stephen: you had another gig. >> i have great instincts. like the instincts of a squirryo driving and the squirrel just stops in the middle of the road. that's your instinct? that's mine. >> stephen: what were you doing? >> i was doing a show called "studio 60" that was a great, great group of people, but it was people weren't watching it, and i hear that's part of the equation. >> stephen: yeah, that is part of it, yeah. >> so i said, i'm not gonna dash i don't want to play in other ns
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now. >> yeah, pretty soon, i will be a distinguished grey, and that's pretty hot, so i'll pass on the nerd show, and i just got convinced to go in, and i think i made a good choice. >> stephen: i think you made the right choice. >> yeah. (applause) >> stephen: so, in "florence foster jenkins," you have to play some serious piano. >> very serious. >> stephen: i understand you actually were a piano player of some seriousness when you were younger. >> of some ser yowsness, not this seriousness. >> stephen: what level? i played jazz and rock. i never got into opera. i wasn't that cool. >> stephen: did you play clubs? >> yeah, i played, like, on the sunset strip. my dad would drop me off. >> stephen: how old are we talking? >> 14, 15. i would take off the rubber
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rock! pretty sweet. i wasn't handsome enough to be bad. i was in a band with a bunch of handsome people who could be bad. i'd play a cord, they'd take their shirt off, girls would come up and i would be soloing like a savant. >> stephen: this is with meryl streep, and you were a pianist to accompany florence jenkins who is a terrible singer who wants to perform at carnegie hall. >> yes. and i played the music and meryl sang. >> could we speak? yes. i thought i was being hired to accompany madam florence's lesson. >> mhill. i'll be honest, i think madam florence may need late more preparation before she sings in
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month. >> i know, but from time to time she can be a little -- >> hmm? -- flat? flat? a tad... just a tad. (applause) >> stephen: were you nervous at all? i mean, because you're a very successful actor in your own right, but in the room with meryl streep, that must have made a couple of things snap shut before you were performing. >> i was terrified. be i driving around l.a. and i remember seeing a bag lady muttering, pushing a shopping cart and i thought, she's so lucky. >> stephen: because she doesn't have to go meet meryl streep. >> doesn't have to meet meryl. she's just free. >> stephen: i thought you were going to say meryl streep is so good she could be her right now and i would never know. >> that added to the terror. you never know. >> stephen: did you have to
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i lied to a great director. >> stephen: that's what actors are, professional liars. >> yeah, and he bought it. i said, i can play anything you put in front of me, and he just -- he fell for it. so lying is kind of the key to success. but then i had to learn all this opera and classical stuff and, my gosh, yeah -- >> stephen: you've played with meryl streep. >> i have. >> stephen: have you ever played with jon batiste. >> who is band, jon batiste. >> jon: i went to juilliard. >> stephen: simon helberg and jon batiste. >> jon: whoa, whoa, whoa! get into it, mr. juilliard. >> stephen: improvise something together. >> queen of the night.
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(piano playing) >> stephen: whoo! ? ? ? ? ? ? "florence foster jenkins" premieres august 12. simon helberg, everybody!
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? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) never underestimate the power of energizer. our longest lasting energizer max ever. today we're talking about automotive awards. which one of these awards appeals most to you? the top safety pick midsize car and suv. means a lot to me. the green car because i like fuel efficiency. what if there was a car company that received all of these awards. one company won an award in all these? chevy. ahhhh! chevy. chevrolet is the most awarded car company of the last two years. i love it! it's fierce. how would you sum this car up in one word? incredible. amazing. i can't use one word. so beautiful, so mesmerizing, the world's widest curved all-in-one.
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>> stephen: my next guest is a talented 17-year-old singer- songwriter from england. here performing, "brazil," ladies and gentlemen, declan mckenna! ( cheers and applause ) ? ? ? >> ? i heard you sold the amazon, ? to show the country that you're from, ? is where the world should want to be ? for a fine something all people need ? i'm faithless now though we win every time ? and i don't know how,
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? and i haven't sold me, but the people are dieting to ? get on tv i heard he lives down a river ? somewhere, with six cars and a grizzly ? bear, he's got eyes, but he can't see, ? well, he talks like an angel but he looks like me ? oh lord! what have i become? i'm the face of god i'm my ? fathers' son, i'm not, what you think you see ? i know you can't eat leather, but you can't stop me, ? why would you lie, why would you lie about how you ? feel? i've got a mission and my ? mission is real because you've had your chances, ? yeah you've had enough i'm gonna burn your house down ? to spread peace and love and it gets me down,
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i heard he lives down a river ? somewhere, with six cars and a grizzly ? bear, he's got eyes, but he can't see, ? well, he talks like an angel but he looks like me ? oh lord! ? ? ? ? ? ? ? i wanna play the beautiful game ? while i'm in brazil 'cause everybody plays the ? beautiful game out in brazil ? and it's all you've ever wanted, ? and it's all that you want still, ? don't you wanna play the beautiful game ? out in brazil? i wanna play the beautiful game ? while i'm in brazil 'cause everybody plays the ? beautiful game out in brazil ? and it's all you've ever wanted,
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beautiful game ? out in brazil? i heard he lives down a river ? somewhere, with six cars and a grizzly ? bear, he's got eyes, but he can't see, ? well, he talks like an angel but he looks like me! ? i heard he lives down a river somewhere, ? with six cars and a grizzly bear, ? he's got eyes, but he can't see, but he looks like me! ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: declan mckenna's ep, "liar" is out now! declan mckenna, everybody!
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>> stephen: that's it for the late show. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be will smith, logan lerman, and musical guest tony bennett. now stick around for james corden and his guests, matt damon and keegan-michael key. goodnight! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh
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are you ready, all, to have some fun tonight ? the late late show! >> ladies and gentlemen, all the


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