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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  August 5, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am EDT

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>> good luck to you! >> yes, and a shout out to everyone who donated! good night. diane kruger. ibtihaj muhammad. and comedian mark normand. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert!
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>> stephen: thank you so much! hey! that's nice. that's beautiful. >> stephen: wow, thank you so much, everybody! wow. thank you, mark. thanks, everybody. please. thanks, everybody. welcome to the "late show." i'm stephen colbert. you all ready for the weekend? ( cheers and applause ) nothing like a friday. ? it's friday ? ? it's friday ? >> stephen: i don't know what song we're doing but i like it. i also like that suit, man. that is like the wallpaper at a tropical resort. >> jon: a dr. seuss book. >> stephen: you would be a great dr. seuss character. >> jon: i know, let's get it going.
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terrible news. ( laughter ) tonight-- don't tell him. don't tell him. he is too young. he is not ready. 3 tonight was the opening ceremony of the 2016 summer olympic games in rio.causright now, you're watching that instead of me. spoiler alert-- so am i. although, although, here's the thing. it may not have happened, because there have been so many problems at this olympics -- unlivable dorms, pollution, rampant crime. the australian team had their laptops stolen, and just look what happened to one of the dressage horses. unbelievable. ( laughter ) stripped it for parts. yeah. true story. >> jon: oh, yeah? >> stephen: true story. sad. things are so bad, that even jesus has thrown up his arms. he doesn't know what to do. and preparations went right down to the wire. a rio spokesman said there was a wild scramble last weekend to
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plumber in town." it must be hard to identify plumbers in a country where everyone is showing butt crack. >> jon: hey! hey, hey! >> stephen: freshly waxed. and earlier this week, the rio olympic stadium had to be unlocked with bolt cutters after officials lost the keys. "oh man, i lost the keys to the olympics. ( laughter ) my dad is going to kill me." virus, the u.s. men's basketball team isn't taking any chances. they've decided to stay on a luxury cruise liner during the games, which is great thinking, because no one has ever gotten sick on a cruise ship. and nothing gets you up for the big game like all-you-can-eat midnight dessert bar. obviously, besides olympics, we still have the elections going on. we talk a lot about donald s trump here, but he's not the
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in fact, i saw a new add for eric greitens, a former navy seal, who is running for governor of missouri. see if you can figure out where he stands on gun control. >> eric greitens-- a governor who will set his sights on politics as usual-- reduce spending, create jobs, protect life, defend the second amendment. >> stephen: looks like the second amendment is going to be okay. although, i can't believe how bored he is while defending it. that lake, he's going to win. maybe he's fishing. i'm not sure why he's shooting at the lake. but greitens isn't just pandering to conservatives by shooting a machine gun in an ad. he's doing it in two ads. because here's one he ran during the primary. >> i'm no career politician. i'm a navy seal, and i'll take dead aim at politics as usual. ( gunfire ) ( barrel explodes )
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send. it's either "please vote for me" or "please cast me in 'expendables 4.'" this is an election i'm definitely going to keep my eye on, not just because there's no way i'm turning my back on that guy. now, in other election news, i want to take a minute and say something to hillary clinton's running mate, senator tim kaine. senator, when i heard you were chosen for v.p., i immediately thought one thing: hillary could not have picked a better person... for me to make some cash off. ( laughter ) you see, here at the "late show," our post-production supervisor, mark spada, looks a lot like you. jimmy, can we put up those photos? ( laughter ) ( applause ) all right. there you go. there you go. one of those guys is tim kaine. so that gave me an idea. come on out here, mark.
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right here. mark, mark, thanks so much for being here. >> i work here. >> stephen: okay, fair enough. so, senator kaine, here's what i'm proposing: you make our post-production supervisor your under-study. so let's say instead of standing behind hillary clinton during one of her great but long speeches, maybe you'd rather see a movie. no problem, mark here will fill in for you. he has over 40 years of nodding and clapping experience. ( cheers and applause ) look at that! ready to be vice president on day one. and if that wasn't enough to fool the masses, mark also knows a number of your great dad jokes. >> what did the buffalo say to his son as he left for college? bison. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: not bad, not bad. thank you. thank you, senator. i mean, mark.
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thinking: "if anybody finds out, couldn't i end up in prison for this?" well, let me answer that question with a question: senator, would you go to prison, or would you go to prison? don't take my word for it. take senator tim kaine's. >> i'm senator tim kaine, and i approve this message. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: thank you for your service. thank you so much. ( cheers and appuse ) that's good work. now, say hello to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. ? ? ? >> hey! oh, man. oh, man, oh, man. i'm happy. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: you happy? >> jon: yeah. ? happy and you know it
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( cheers and applause ) i love doing this show. i love doing this show. a lot of pe probably think this, too-- that from 11:30 tow 12:30, the "late show" is on. that's not true. commercials are on. we're here to provide filler between the ads. i'm proud of that association, because advertising has ?nprofoundly changed the world. for instance, before advertising, if you tried to buy insurance from a duck, they would think you were insane. that is why i'm excited to see my fellow celebrity, matthew mcconaughey, really embrace advertising. we've all enjoyed whatever he's talking about in those lincoln ads. ( laughter ) he really should turn the air conditioningin and now, mcconaughey has signed on as creative director for wild turkey bourbon. and in addition to appearing on camera, he will write and direct the spots.
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okay, music. so i hope you like your whiskey with a chaser of three-minute bongo solo. ( bongos ) ( cheers and applause ) ( piano ) >> stephen: i could go for some wild turkey right now. part of the reason they hired mcconaughey is that he he said himself, "millennials, and i know this for a fact, can
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okay, matt, that sounds liken lg millenpecily if you're doing it in a way that they can but i interrupted myself reading your theory of millenials and solicitation. "wild turkey hasn't changed in all these years. it's totally authentic, and that appeals to millennials." he's right. millennials crave authenticity, almost as much as they crave commercials. well, i will not be out-authenticked, even if i have to fake it. so matthew is promoting wild turkey, so i have singed on to write, direct, key grip, intern for, and craft service my own ad campaign for savage cock, 190-proof grain alcohol. yeah! ( applause you all down with the cock? ( laughter )
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y oh, hey. if we millennialls hate anything, it's solicitation. we don't take kindly to being told what to buy and who to buy it from. it's why we wear clothes that look like they were stolen from the grave of an irish immigrant. ( laughter ) and that's why we drink savage cock, 190-proof grain alcohol because savage cock refuses to pander to us with things lik mmm, hashtag #organdamage. ( cheers and applause ) just like you, savage cock has never watered itself down for mass appeal. it's always been the drink of american rebels and tastemakers. that's what davy crockett drank, right before sticking his head up that raccoon's butt. ( laughter ) those rebels were just like you: they didn't care whether
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viral or advisable. so hoist a glass, my fellow '90s kids, to authenticity, to realness, and not falling for any cheap advertising gimmicks. but don't just take it from me. listen to the talking toilet, party mouth. >> surf's up, kids! savage cock is dope! >> stephen: oh, party mouth! oh, party mouth! you are! so next time you take an your savage cock, 190-proof grain alcohol! >> please enjoy responsibly! >> stephen: we'll be right back with your deepest, darkest secrets. ? ? ? ( applause ) well? i love it. this piece is so you. i know, right? i saw it and i was just like "oh, i have to have it..."
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back. you know, one of the things i love about being on tv is lawyers. the second thing i enjoy is something called "midnight confessions," where i. open up to you about things that i feel bad about. and sometimes i invite you guys to tweet your own confessions to me @colbertlateshow, with the hashtag #lateshowconfessions. and i am so touched by how candid and open you've been with me, tonight, i'd like to honor your gift by using them and not pay you. you won't tell anybody, right? >> audience: of course not! >> stephen: thanks. this is stephen colbert's "midnight confessions": twitter
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( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) now, for the record, i'm not sure any of these are technically sins. i didn't even do them, but i'm going to pretend i did, which is a lie, and as a catholic, i will feel guilty about that. ( laughter ) okay, i'll be right back. ? ? ? forgive me audience... i tell people i have herpes, so they won't want to borrow my chapstick. audience, when i was 15, i used to hide my porn mags in my step dad's horse stables.
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sometimes, audience, sometimes i silently correct the framar grammar in eulogies. when our kids were little, we referred to the ice cream trucke didn't have to spend any money. sometimes i text a friend how much they mean to me and copy and paste it to send all my i once made brownies and told my friends they were weed brownies and watched them get "high." sometimes i pretend i am a hobbit, just so i can have second breakfast. when asked to "wave your hands
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care," i wave, but i do care. i read the wikipedia articles of horror movies to pretend i have watched them because i am too scared. one time, i went through a dunkin' donuts drive-through and started talking to the garbage can instead of the speaker. sometimes, audience, sometimes i pee in the shower... when i'm not even taking a shower. forgive me, audience. >> audience: we forgive you! >> stephen: thank. if you feel you need forgiveness for something, tweet it to me with the hashtag #lateshowconfessions. we'll be right back with diane kruger.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my first guest tonight starred in "national treasure," "troy", and "inglourious bastards." she now stars in the psychological thriller, "disorder." please welcome diane kruger. ? ? ? ( applause ) ? yeah diane ? >> hello. >> stephen: thank you for being here. >> i'm so happy to be here. i'm a huge fan. >> stephen: really? i'm a huge fan, too. the the interesting thing about you, you're a big star in the united states, we know you from "troy," "inglourious bastards," "national treasure." but in europe you probably can't
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many movies over there, right. >> i live part time in france and started out in france, actually, so i've done more french muchs than american. i just coming back from france. i did a movie with katherine deneuve. your career was in f started asi went to paris and lived there as a model. >> stephen: was tha f a model? >> it was... it was, um, educational. ( laughter ). >> stephen: models are always supposed to be like, "we're living such a great life, even we're not impressed by it." you know what i mean? it's supposed to be-- it's the high life, it's the glamour life. >> just imagine being in a house with 16-year-olds, an entire house of hot girls who are 16 living in a house without supervision. >> stephen: let me think about
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i don't think i'm allowed to think about that. >> during the commercial break. >> stephen: during commercial break, we'll think about it. since i've got you here, you were having a beer backstage. >> i was. >> stephen: i was so jealous of you. i found out that there's a difference between american movie making and european movie making. you get to have a little bit of wine on serkt don't you? >> it's union law, believe it or not. i know. i mean, i don't know why it's not here first of all, you only work 10 hours, 10 hours. >> stephen: 10 hours a day, that's it. >> that's it. it's union law, whether you want it or not, there has to be a bottle of wine on each table. people like -- >> i heard about that, so i thought maybe 'd hav ali thanks. >> stephen: it's a friday show and i figure-- >> why not. >> stephen: european. do you like to drink. >> stephen: i love it, i do love it. >> so nice. >> stephen: especially right
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lanka. >> stephen: it's a nice life. >> it is, but it was a long trip back, you know,. >> stephen: there are actually some photos here of you in sri lanka. that's you on a train in sri lanka. this is you making the universal "i'm drinking out of a coconut" face. and then this-- this-- you're using a lot of filters here. are you new to instagram? ( laughter ) >> you know, it's i couple of filters. >> stephen: i like this one because this is you in-- what's this called. >> a tuk-tuk. i had to drive it in commercial and it drives like a motorcycle, which i did not knot expression is me finally not killing somebody. >> stephen: i like the filter here. i think you're using the thumb filter up here. >> no, that's the owner of the tuk-tuk, who was so stressed out seek me drive.
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you can't break like this. you have to pump it. imagine you're driving a motorcycle you've never driven, and you have to pump to stop. >> stephen: were you ever worried you were going to drive it off a cliff or something? >> i was worried driving into the train. >> stephen: the train was right there. >> the train was coming and i was driving it across the train rails. >> stephen: here's to you stephu commercializing over there? what were you advertising? are you allowed to say? >> no. >> something like that? some weapons system or something like that? let me ask you-- okay, mmm. >> cheers. to friday. ( laughter ) that's really nice rose. >> stephen: that is, that is. >> you know, it's owned by wrad pitt this. >> stephen: this? >> i'm not kidding. >> stephen: we're super fancy. i feel more handsome right away. ( laughter ) that's really nice. so brad and angelina own this. >> yeah.
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so -- >> exactly, why not? do you hang out with fancy people? do you have, like, a normal life when you're not being a fancy person on stage like now or doing your commercials with tuk-tuk. >> describe a normal life. >> stephen: do you go to parties? >> i host -- >> you host a lot of parties? >> >> stephen: can i come to one of your parties? >> if you want to. >> stephen: where do they take place? >> at my house. >> stephen: where is that? i'll just-- you know what i mean? is it in new is it in paris. >> it's all three. i get to pick. i love it. >> stephen: what? it's really nice. >> it's really not a normal life but it's a great life. >> stephen: so congratulations. let me ask you about europe for a second. does europe have a version of donald trump? ( laughter ). >> yeah, better hair, um, they have marian lepen in ference. >> stephen: what's the name of their party, the front.
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it sounds so much better but it's not. >> stephen: can you say donald trump with an accent? >> donald trump. is sounds better in french. it sounds like, you know, donald duck. >> stephen: donald duck. so you grew up speaking german. do you speak french? >> yes. >> stephen: and english professionally. do you, like, use different accents at different times to project a different image? like out in the world would you i get pulled over, i'm french. you know, like -- >> i'd like to try that. let me try that. i'll start with that one, okay? decide whether to use english, french or german accent for the following situations, okay? >> okay. >> stephen: you get pulled over. "can i see your license or registration, please?" >> i'm sor sorry, i don't understand. i'm not from the country.
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( laughter ). >> stephen: "i'm going to let >> it's worked before. >> stephen: it's worked before. how about this? ( applause ) you're having trouble getting service at an electronics store. >> what the ( bleep )! i want the internet. oh, my god. i just totally cursed! oh, my god! i'm so sorry! ( laughter ) >> stephen: it's going to be fine. it's going to be fine. we're opposite the olympics right now. no one saw that. okay. you tried to get-- all right. i don't think we're going to top that. i don't think we're going to top that. you're trying to get upgraded on a flight. >> oh, french. please, i'm so tired. i was working all day. please -- >> "we all work all day, ma'am." >> i know, but my feet are
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>> stephen: "i'm going to let on >> i have it down, man. >> stephen: that's good. the real-- the real deal. it really puts it's french accent puts a hook into our hearts over here in america. >> i know it does. it's great. >> stephen: so manipulative. but as an actress, you manipulate peoplem own, and my . >> stephen: oh, you manipulate-- that's how you manipulate our emotions? >> i guess, you know, yeah. it's a little -- >> challenging because it is, it's a psychological thriller about-- it's a movie-- correct me if i'm wrong-- there is a war veteran who has p.t.s.d., and has what you believe are paranoid fantasies. >> he has that beeping sound -- >> like tinnitus. >> and he's getting paranoid and he's there to protect me and my husband and things just go awfully wrong.
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director. you worked with some of the great male directors. is there a difference between a woman who directs you or things they can ask of you that a male director can't? >> i think so. >> stephen: do you think there's an intimacy difference? >> there's a correctness between women. i don't have to charm her. >> stephen: you don't have to use the accent on her. >> yeah, no, yeah. so that-- they're usually a pain in the ass, i will say. >> stephen: women directors are a pain in the ass? >> they're very women and they're very tough and very demanding and there's no timing them. the accent doesn't work. no tight skirts -- >> nice try. learn your lines. >> less makeup, less hair. s you to do less makeup and here. rl. want you to be less i feel men, whether they would admit to that or not have a fantasy about women -- >> sometimes, sometimes. ( laughter ) especially with the french
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>> no aent? >> stephen: for mine? do i have a german accent? >> you fantasize about, the german doesn't come to play. >> stephen: sure, it is, >>ow do youet thate a-- hole? no pun intended. ( laughter ). >> stephen: let's move on. >> what should we talk about? >> stephen: and drink wine and listen to your accents all night, but, unfortunately, we've got to do these commercials and i've really loved having you here. >> me, too. >> stephen: please come back. >> will do. >> stephen: i'd love to be charmed-- >> french more. >> stephen: any time you want. thank you so much. diane kruger, everybody. "disorder" opens in theaters next friday.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) my next guest is a fencing champion who was recently named one of time's 100 most influential people of 2016. this summer at rio, she will become the first american athlete to compete in the olympics wearing a hijab. please welcome, ibtihaj muhammad! ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much for b here. come on up. ( cheers and applause ) ? ? ? thanks very much. congratulations on "time 100." congratulations on going to rio. are you excited about the games? >> thank you so much. yes, i upon excited. >> stephen: not worried about the zika virus or anything like that? >> i'm going no matter what. >> stephen: all right, good. as i said, you're the first american athlete to ever compete in a hijab.
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it mean to you? >> so hijab in arabic literally means to cover. so women who observe the hijab, cover everything except their face and their hands. >> stephen: is it at all times? when can you take it off? >> when i get home when i'm with my, like, friends and family, when i'me.en: i have a shot right here oyoirst lady sword fighting with foam they wouldn't get you go at the first lady with an actual metal sword? they wouldn't let that happen? >> i brought it, and ?&?service took it from me, so, yeah. >> stephen: did you really? >> no. ( laughter ). >> stephen: how did you get into fencing? >> you know, growing up i played a ton of different sports. my parents always encouraged us, you know, to be involved in sports from a young age. change the uniform.ys h t
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sleeves when my teammates wore short sleeves -- >> for basketball or thingsthat >> yes, i ran track, and volleyball, and my teammates wore tights and i wore sweat pants. so with fencey my mother saw they were covered and wanted me to do it. >> stephen: as a muslim american when competing in the olympics, what message do you hope competing in the hijab, sends to young muslim americans and americans in general? >> you know, i remember as a kid being told i couldn't do things because i was african american or because i was muslim. and i think that we have in-- in our society, we have people who have misconceptions, about muslims, in particular, right now. and i want tho challenge those misconceptions and show people that, you know, muslims are
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do a lot of things, including, you know, participating in the ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: how would you feel-- how could you feel to compete against someone who knows nothing about fencing? because i would love to give it a try. >> i'm so excited. ( laughter ) te do it now? >> yes, let's go. jim, let's go to the fencing. and here we are ready to fence. if you'll join me over here. all right, now. ( cheers and applause ) okay, so we're going to fence. what are the rules? what do i need to know? >> so i'm a saber fencer. >> stephen: this is a saber. >> best weapon. don't let anyone tell you
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hear. >> and we use slashing motions s to score touches. so if i hit you, the red light goes on. and if you hit me, the green light comes on. >> stephen: awesome, all right. that thing's going to flash like a strobe when i come at you. be careful. we're ready to rock? >> we're ready to go. do you want to fence to five. >> stephen: best of five. >> best of five, all right. >> stephen: good luck. >> i'm wishing you friend. >> stephen: here we go. ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) ( cheers )
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>> all you have to do is get that light on. good luck. >> stephen: how close do we get before we start? >> let's start at these lines. we can start here. here is good. >> stephen: we haven't started yet? >> i'll let you know. >> when i say "fence," you start. fence. you've got to try to hit me. >> stephen: oh! okay, that's one. >> so that was red. >> stephen: i know it was. you've got to get your light on. ready? fence. >> stephen: oh! ( cheers and applause ) >> ready, fence. ( cheers and applause ). >> oh! >> stephen: do you need a breather? do you need a breather?
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>> stephen: yes. oh, that is ( bleep ). >> ready, fence? >> stephen: wait! you did not touch me! there's no way you touched me. >> all right, all right. >> stephen: oh, the fix is in! one more. >> ready, fence? oh. ibtihaj. ibtihaj muhammad! united states olympic fencing team. we'll be right back. >> thank you so much.
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( laughter ) hey, hey. how you guys feeling? ( cheers and applause ) all right. good to be here. you're doing better than me. i'm a little hung over. yeah. isn't that amazing, we still can't prevent a hang over. we have all this medical research. i've tried the water. i've tried the pills. nothing works. we c children. ( laughter ) can't prevent a hangover. at least some people want i've never woken up like, "whoa. i am really hungover, but you know what? i think i want to keep it." people always talk about how honest you are when you're drunk. i hear that a lot, "get that guy drunk and he'llally you." when i'm hung over, that's when i'm honest. my life is in shambles i have nothing to live for. your friends are like, do you want to get brunch? i'm like, i've never liked you.
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drunk. you're like, hey, it's the best nice ever. these are my good friends and she's super hot and you wake up and say a waste of time, i spent too much money, and that's a dude. i drank a lot. i have horrible anxiety, real bad anxiety, riddled with anxiety. by the way, the word "riddled" never used with anything positive. this body is riddled with cancer instead of this ice cream is riddled with sprinkles. horrible anxiety. i i don't have a car. i walk around everywhere. you guys ever leave the house without headphones. woo! thoughts are not good. my god. this whole time i thought i loved music. turns out i just hate my brain being attacked all day long by the insecurity playlist on shuffle, you drink too much, you are going to die alone. you call that a penis? yeah, because being an adult is
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you can tell being an adult is hard just by the abbreviations. when you're a teenager it's l.o.l., o.m.g., b.r.b. when you're an adult. crap i have a d.u.i. i have to go to the d.m.v.. the i.r.s. is up my ass. i have a u.t.i. my i.b.s. is kicking in. i might have an s.t.d. kids are like t.m.i. maybe i'm a little cranky. recently. that's a fun word. the insult is more popular than the actual product. i don't know anyone who has ever used a douche. never seen one. what is it like a ziploc? i feel bad for the guy who invented the thing. i invented this thing for women's hygienes. we'll use that to describe fedoras. it's not good for you, so
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( applause ) i don't know. i'm not the sweating it. i don't get too offended by it. i don't get offended by much. my ex-girlfriend was offended by everything. she was a really big feminist. i'm a feminist but she was annoying. she would say, "men just judge women by our looks. what about our achievements? that's true. men that. but ladies, you do that, too. we all judge women. e weanother girl. she was like, what, does she look like?" that was her first question. i was like, "whoa. what about her achievements?" come on. yeah. she's accomplished a lot. ( applause ) but i get it. it's got to be tough to be a lady. i get it. i can't speak for it. i'm not a woman. i do think women can say stuff men never say. i was out to eat with a woman once and she said, "you know what i like in a guy, the strong
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that. "what do you look for in a woman?" "silence. i like a woman who doesn't talk too much." you'd be kicked out of society. that's why i like older women. they've seen it all, bk. older women are the best. i learned about older women. i learned about menopause. that's fun. i'm very ignorant about this stuff. my aunt went through menopause. ed out and menstruation is over. it's time on move that tampon string to theyou graduated. why isn't that a party? where is that facebook invite? hey, aunt susie stopped bleeding every month. all right! everybody in the pool! ( laughter ) ( applause ) all right. now you see why i got called a douche bag. thanks a lot.
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>> stephen: he'll be headlining the joy theater in his hometown of new orleans on september 1. mark normand, everybody! we'll be right back. put some distance between you and temptation with... ...meta appetite control. clinically proven to help reduce hunger between meals.
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two years ago, silvertech had 40 to 50 employees. now we have 60 to 70. we took a big hit in the recession, but we're back, strong. a few years ago, we have over a h",undred today. chynoweth: businesses like mine see how maggie hassan keeps this economy moving. mary collins: she's controlled spending and she's balanced the budget. narrator: and cnbc named new hampshire iness-friendly state in the country. i'm maggie hassan, and i approve this message because we need to show washington how we get things done in new hampshire. >> stephen: that's it for the "late show." have a great weekend. go team u.s.a.! good night!
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media access group at wgbh ? are you ready to have some fun ? and feel the love tonight don't you worry ? if your car breaks down you can always ride a bike ? it's the "late, late show!" >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from canada, give it


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