tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS October 7, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT
especially southeast massachusetts saturday night. >> say something good to make you feel good. >> let's go play! >> stephen colbert is next. captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: hay, diane lane thank you so much for being here. i want you to meet paul, one of my sprfersing producers segment tonight. ? you, there's only you in my life ? ? >> stephen: did you just hear music is it. >> yeah, i heard it. hey, i should go. it's very nice to meet you. >> nice to meet you. >> stephen: diane, did the two of you just have a moment? >> no, that was nothing. i've been in so many romantic movies, that just happens
watch. ? my there's only you in my life ? ? really, anything, check it out. ? there's only you in my life ? ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's incredible. well, shiprobably get ready for the show. diane, it's lovely to meet you. ( laughter ) really? >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes diane lane. aja naomi king. and comedian alingon mitra. featuring jon batiste and stay human.
stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: what's up mark? that's nice. ( cheers and applause ) hey! thanks, everybody! nice to see you. thanks for being here welcome to "the late show." what a lovely audience. such a fantastic audience. i would like to smother you all in a lemon butter wine sauce. i just made that up.
recipe. laugh welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. you're all looking very friday, thank you so much for being here. ( cheers and applause ) the thing is, we actually tape this thursday night, and as we speak right now, my understanding is hurricane matthew is making landfall in florida, and we just want to say we hope everybody down there stays safe, florida, georgia, on the carolina coast. if you haven't gotten out thereof, if you're in evacuation, please take the time to shelter, get some water, fill up your bath tub. please do stay safe. i mean that especially for my family down there. we love you. ( applause ) you know what it's like? you know what it's like it to worry about your folks down there when a hurricane is coming? there is another disaster happening this weekend. this sunday in st. louis, they're holding another presidential debate, trump vs. clinton! one on one! the kerblooie in saint louie!
the debate will air live in movie theaters across the united states. yes, on the same weekend "birth of a nation" is opening in theaters, you can also watch what might be the death of one. ( laughter ) i just-- ( laughter ) i just hope it's in 3d. it will seem like the pandering is coming right at you. ( laughter ) the company that is doing this, the movie theaterries are offering the tickets for fre and according to the article, you can get a free soda with any popcorn purchase, and a company spokesperson said, "republicans and democrats will agree, this is a pretty sweet deal." wrong! republicans and democrats will never agree on anything. they won't confirm your popcorn, and they're going to filibuster the junior mints. and one of the things that hurt trump in the last debate is the fact that he offended some women by insulting their looks and
defend all those comments. >> do you understand the concern from parents of younger girls, that some of the wording that you've used to talk about attractiveness or unattractiveness, might make it more difficult for girls who are struggling with their body image and the pressure to be model perfect? >> sure, i do. and, you know, a lot of this is done in the entertainment business. i'm being interviewed for "apprentice," long before i ever thought in terms of running for office, obviously. so this was really something that i just decided to do, but a lot of that was done for the purpose of entertainment. >> he wasn't demeaning and degrading you. he was demeaning and degrading you for entertainment. ( laughter ) because he found it amusing. and if women don't like it, they can find their own form of entertainment. maybe, i don't know, voting against donald trump this november. ( cheers and applause ) just for fun. just for fun. i don't know.
entertaining than watching him give a concession speech. ( laughter ) ( applause ) that-- that in a movie theater week pretty fun. now, recently it came out that trump worked with the gold standard in objectifying women for entertainment: "playboy." first, buzzfeed dug up a "playboy" video from 2000 of trump welcoming playmates to new york by pouring champagne on a limo. that is the closest he will ever come to filling his own gas tank. and just a few days later, cnn unearthed another old "playboy" video featuring trump photographing and interviewing a model. evidently, she performed well in the interview but was not selected to be his next wife. ( laughter ) this bombshell of trump hanging out with bombshells comes from a 1994 vhs tape titled "playboy centerfold," that was obtained by something called "cnn's
well, this is impressive investigative journalism blew me away and i had to know more. so joining me now, is the reporter responsible for this scoop, cnn's kfile. >> what's up, stephen. k-file, thanks so much for being here it's me, kevin fileman-- a.k.a. k-file! >> stephen: thank you for joining us, kevin. >> it's k-file. >> stephen: okay, k-file, how 1994 "playboy" videotape? >> yeah, if i remember right, i got it from my older brother dave, right, who in turn stole it from his friend's dad, who had had it hidden in the vhs sleeve for "robocop." >> stephen: fascinating. can we expect any more big revelations like this? >> oh, yeah. i've got a whole box of big revelations stashed under my bed. yeah, i got "big revelations 1,"
they're in outer space for some reason. >> stephen: have you uncovered anything else about donald trump in your investigations? >> not yet, but i'm still going through dave's old hustlers and butt mags. dave, you are sick, bro. >> stephen: cnn's kfile, everybody. great work kfile. nantasket. folks, we have a great show for you tonight. diane lane is here. the latest proclamations from a certain furry hat. stick around! ? ? ? ( applause ) emerge restored. fortified. replenished. emerge everyday with emergen-c packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges.
what's it gonna be? an oven-baked digiorno? or waiting for delivery? did you have that beard when we ordered? a hot, fresh-baked crust? or? did we order extra soggy? don't settle for delivery. rise to the occasion. it's not delivery. it's digiorno. my advice for looking younger, longer? get your beauty sleep. and use aveeno? absolutely ageless? night cream with active naturals? blackberry complex.
it's endless shrimp at red lobster. with another new flavor you never saw coming... grilled, glazed korean bbq shrimp. and try as much as you want of flavors like new parmesan peppercorn shrimp. just come in before it ends. in new hampshire, maggie hassan cut taxes for small businesses, protected education... created jobs. in washington, what's kelly ayotte
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. lovely people. >> jon: yeah! >> stephen: absolutely lovely people. thank you so much. give it up for jon batiste and stay human, esh. ( applause ) >> stephen: every person to sit in this chair, their thing they say to me is i can't believe how good that band is over there. >> jon: that's nice. >> stephen: fantastic. >> jon: we're working on it. >> stephen: you're working on it. >> jon: every day. >> stephen: i'm working on it every day, too. >> jon: i see you over there and over here. >> stephen: that's good you're watching the show. it's a pretty good show sometimes. >> jon: i'm there every day. >> stephen: i can feel you. >> jon: i'm behind you. you're a bad dude. you're putting the truth out there. >> stephen: wow, that's a great compliment.
>> jon: you're a bad, bad, mother shut your mouth. >> stephen: i'm just talking about shaft. >> jon: yay, yay! >> stephen: thanks very much. as the host of a talk show, as you can tell, i'm in the position of enormous power. and yet, there are those even more powerful than i. history's most ferocious despots, like genghis khan, kim jon-il, and angelina jolie. all of us have two things in common: we're not talking to brad right now, and a big furry hat! ( cheers and applause )
now that this hat has descended upon my head, any and all proclamations i make while so en-hatted are now and forever law. let us begin. henceforth, the proper response to "how are you doing?" is not "how are you?" someone must answer the damn ( laughter ) from this day forward, all wedding receptions shall have bands. d.j.s are reserved for funerals. ( laughter ) on halloween, hobo is not a costume. it is a sign of our shrinking middle class. ( laughter )
exercise in these pants" pants. ( laughter ) ( applause ) let this be carved in stone-- white guys can't have dreadlocks unless they are stranded on a desert island. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) from this day forward, any raccoon that gets into my garbage must separate my recyclables. ( laughter ) anyone who breaks a pinky swear shall lose both pinkies. ( laughter ) that was a long trip from over here to way over there. that was a long one. hold on. ( laughter ) advertisers must stop using my google searches to generate banner ads for me.
homemade beef jerky. ( laughter ) baristas shall stop making cute foam designs in customers' cappucinos. some of us are late for work and don't want to drink a leaf. ( laughter ) if your suitcase at an airport luggage carousel is the last one to come out, you get to keep the first suitcase from the next flight. ( laughter ) henceforth, white tank-top t-shirts will no longer be called "wife-beaters." theyll ( laughter ) the hat has spoken! ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back with diane lane. ? ? ? ? power, power to the lord ?
? introducing the new turbocharged golf alltrack. [ clearing throat ] the new golf alltrack. [ upbeat music ] with 4motion all-wheel drive. soon to be...everywhere. get to kohl's thursday through monday because friends and family like you take an extra 20 percent off. that's on top of already low sale prices storewide which makes fleece for him only $14.39 and for her just $9.59 everyone gets kohl's cash too! now that's the good stuff. kohl's.
without the wasteful wadding. it has comfort cushions you can see that are softer... ...and more absorbent, and you can use up to 4 times less. enjoy the go with charmin. ? you never believed in fairytales. knights in shining armor or happily ever after. but you believed when the right one came along, you'd be ready. time to shine. orbit. i'll have that goat cheese garden salad. sir, you give me that salad and i will pay for your movie and one snack box. can i keep the walnuts? sold. but i get to pick your movie. can i pick the genre? yes, but it has to be a comedy. a little cash back on the side. with the blue cash everyday card from american express, you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. throw. it's more than cash back. it's backed by the service and security of american express.
n. mothers, sons, friends. and yet kelly ayotte continues to play political games instead of making new hampshire safer. when she has the chance to strengthen background checks, she voted no, backing the washington gun lobby instead. then - on a bill to keep suspected terrorists from getting guns, ayotte flip flopped. kelly ayotte's become another typical washington politician and that puts us all at risk. narrator: independence usa pac is responsible for the content of this advertising. ? ? ?
>> stephen: oh, folks. welcome back. my guest tonight first appeared in "the cherry orchard "at lincoln theater when he was 12 years old. please welcome, diane lane! >> tha o fun. thank you for that. >> stephen: so, at 12 years old, you were in the "the cherry orchard." >> that's true. >> stephen: i understand with meryl streep. >> yes! she hadn't even made a film yet. well, that's not true. we got to see her debut while we were working together. it was a small role with jane fonda in "julia." i think jane slapped her in the bar, and everybody wondered, "who was that blond?"
say to yourself, yeah, she's pretty good?" >> she was standing in the ring watching ireney worth, and merrill was playing the maid, and it was just an amazing time. she let me play in her makeup bag. she was a very sweet, kind, actress to me, a little kid, punk kid. >> stephen: so if you're at lincoln center at age 12, when are you starting? how old are you when you are doing your first plays? >> i was six. i had no front still got the job. i played maddia's child. >> stephen: maddia kills her children. spoil alert, she kills her children to get back at jason. >> yes. >> stephen: so did you have to be dead on stage? >> yes! and i had to do it very believably, because people are looking to see if your chest rises and falls once you're dead. >> stephen: highway did you do that? >> you know this story. >> stephen: no! >> oh, my gosh. it's pretty embarrassing and i'm make the short version.
i mean, it's been in "time "magazine. the story is pretty old. >> stephen: i missed that issue. >> good for you. it was a 1979 issue. i go way back. i'm going to come out in my walker next type. >> stephen: you're six years old and you just couldn't hold it anymore? >> pretty much. nobody told me about going to the bathroom before the show. i learned everything the hard way. ( laughter ). >> stephen: and you went back the next night, though? >> they let me back. ive the only one that knew the greek word. they couldn't recast. >> stephen: di greek? >> yes. the urip disease text. ( speaking greek ) i don't know what i just said. i think it was "please don't kill me, mommy." >> stephen: work that was. i don't know what it was, but you seemed really passionate. >> it's brand in my brain. >> stephen: as soon as you got into the greek? >> do you speak any languages?
>> camah bear. >> stephen: coissant. >> stephen: who knows. now, you're in "the cherry orchard" again on broadway at the american airlines theatre. >> i'm on broadway! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: come on! you were at lincoln center when you were 12. this is old hat for you. >> but four tony winners associated with this production. i'm surrounded by such talent and such grace. i'm so delighted to be among the people. i'm the poster girl, yes, it's i really am. i'm kind of nervous. we're in previews. >> stephen: you're in previews right now. it's going to be fine. >> what happens surehearse in the day, you change it a little, and then you test it out in front of 750 people that night and see how it goes. they don't like it, change it again. >> stephen: another one tomorrow. it's like kleenex in a box. it doesn't matter. there's always another one. >> it's a marathon. >> stephen: chekhov wrote this in 1904, i think.
modern lives relate to a man writing about a fading aristocracy trying to cling to their wealth while a proletearate is trying to rise up in revolution. what could we possibly-- >> the 1%? >> stephen: how could we relate to the 1% and their country estates? >> i agree. the question answers itself. >> stephen: what does chekhov have to say to us now? >> well, it's history repeating itself endlessly, and we always seem to bep relearning from actually the truth that is in our parent i don't know-- and thank god for your art every night where we get a lot of truth, stephen. thank you for that. >> stephen: that's very nice of you to say. >> no, it's true. >> stephen: you know, wooy try ditch things. if it doesn't work we try it again another night. i never blame the writers. >> you give them the credit. >> stephen: not that, either. it's all me, baby. it's all me. >> that's what i say. >> stephen: you just improvise it every night.
the "the cherry orchard" at the same time you're shooting "justice league" right? >> yeah, that happened. >> stephen: did you ever cross over and-- >> yes! >> stephen: call clark kent one of the proletearate or peasant. how do you play martha kent during the day and go back to your trailer and get ready for the "the cherry orchard"? >> it was almost a cliche of an actor prepares-- not, in parentheses. because i'm in my trailer in london. i had just left rehearsals, had to go rightac so i'm jet lagged and my brain is desperately trying on learn chekhov. >> stephen: the the rehearsals for? >> rehearsals for the play. showing up in london to be martha kent again and reunited with all my beloveds on that film. and, you know, a small gig. aah! nervous about that, too. want to do it well. no hereversal on tajust show up. >> stephen: real, no rehearsal on that film? >> not enough for me. i could have done with a little
back and dog do it again-- whatever. story of my life. i'm in my trailer and running the lines with some sweet young woman who i paid hourly to come and run lines any spare moment i had. >> stephen: what a great gig for her. >> yes, very sweet. but outside the trailer i'm hearing-- first of all, the amount of trailers on that movie it was like an r.v. lot. we actually had an airplane runway. that's what we were using if our parking lot of what's called base camp for all the actors. >> stephen: literally, a airport runway. >> yes. >> stephen: where were the planes landing? >> it was a retired runway. >> stephen: just wanted to make sure. >> yes, yes, i'm glad for that. anyway outside the trailer i'm hearing this noise. death metal. i don't know what that is. >> stephen: that was a very good imitation of death metal by the way. you have a great fallback career. >> no punk, no punk rock per me. sorry, guys. >> stephen: tonight "slaughterhouse" is not
lane. >> oh, my god! >> stephen: go ahead, sorry. >> jason, he is our aqua man. i didn't get to meet him but i heard him out in my trailer getting ready for his scene. that's how he was preparing. i'm inside trying to say, "save the cherry orchard!" and learn my lines for chekhov, and out the window i'm hearing this death metal while he's getting ready to do whatever he does in the film, which i can't wait to see lot of swim trunks. >> he's handsome. >> stephen: oh, yeah, sure! well, you're beautiful. >> well, thank you. >> stephen: you guys-- that was a very sexy little trailer lot you had there. ( laughter ) so, you said you get to do, like, a scene once on a movie. and then that's it. like, you don't get to rehearse it again pup don't get to do it again? >> well, you get get more takes hopefully. >> stephen: but it's not your
take and we're moving "o." >> pretty much. and if i ask for another take i'm worse than if i hadn't asked for it. it seems that way. >> stephen: that was one of the shocking things for me when i moved to tv. i started off in chicago in chicago. >> that's right. >> stephen: i came to tv and the first time i shot a television show we shot the scene and they said, "moving on." and i realized i had to get it right the first time. >> that's all you get. >> stephen: and not only is that the only time i get to do it but more people will see that thing i just did than ever saw ever did. >> dang! >> stephen: no pressure. >> no prec there. smoke coming out of your ear s. >> stephen: is there something you have done-- you have conhave condition so many t performances -- is there something you say let me take another chop at that movie again. >> i want to go back it if xwork with the dog again. >> stephen: reilly. isn't she beautiful? >> yes. >> stephen: that is not acting. she is actually the dog of my producer paul.
>> stephen: he's a very nice man. he's not as nice as reilly is, though. >> i don't have an answer for you, so i was stalling by throwing reilly in there as far as going back and taking another whack. >> stephen: you don't want to take another whack at anything? >> i'm glad i do have as many opportunities to do this play, i will focus on it that. having a live show means you get another chance at it, and it is a living thing, like wine. it's not cut and dried in a can. you know, it's fresh. breathing -- >> canned wine! >> hmmm... i'm such a creative person, aren't i. >> stephen: wine and cut and dried in a can. i thought i'd point that out. you have done a lot of plays before. >> yes. >> stephen: has does it change wildly from the opening night to the last night? >> yes. >> stephen: or does the director come back in and chak the whip and say, "hey, hey, why does your character suddenly have a scottish accent?" >> for me, i do everything
make any more changes. that doesn't we don't have 90 more msm ans to go. for me i'm deeg with opening night. >> stephen: when is opening night. >> october 16, but who is counting. >> stephen: "the cherry orchard" will open on broadway at the american airlines theatre and starting october 16, running through scm december 4. you're going to want to see it especially if you're one of the 1% who lives on the country state in russia. we'll be right back with aja naomi king. thank you so much. naomi king. thank you so much. ? ? ?n' ( applause ) starting at $9.99! endless combinations of your favorite pastas, sauces and toppings. now including chicken alfredo. plus unlimited salad and breadsticks. it's all never ending, but only for a limited time. at olive garden. [?diggy? by spencer ludwig]
when cold and flu hold you back try theraflu expressmax, now in new caplets. it's the only cold & flu caplet that has a maximum strength formula with a unique warming sensation you instantly feel. theraflu. for a powerful comeback. new expressmax caplets. hey girlfriend, how's your cafe au lait? oh, it's actually... sfx: (short balloon squeal) it's ver... sfx: (balloon squeals) ok can we... sfx: (balloon squeals) i'm being so serious right now...
it's... sfx: (balloon squeals) hahahaha, i had a 2nd balloon goodbye! oof, that milk in your coffee was messing with you, wasn't it? yeah. happens to more people than you think. try lactaid, it's real milk, without that annoying lactose. mmm. good right? yeah. lactaid. it's the milk that doesn't mess with you. ? ? ? the new 2017 ford fusion is here. it's the beauty of a well-made choice. ? it was doggie destiny was mr. bonejangles expecting the perfect toy at an amazing price? of course not. he's a dog.
according to the state's own data. which means real cuts to our kids - in arts, technology, ap classes, pre-school, bus service and more. that's why question two's opposed by the massachusetts pta and school committees all across the state. join them in voting no on question two. ? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody,
you know my next guest from "how to get away with murder." she now stars in the powerful drama, "the birth of a nation." please welcome aja naomi king. ? ? ? ( applause ) >> stephen: yeah, i agree. >> they're >> stephen: welcome to the show. >> it's a pleasure to be here. thanks for having me. >> stephen: that's a beautiful top you have on there. >> thank you, jonathan simki. >> stephen: i would have said. you'r>> you're up with it. you know what's going on. >> stephen: before we get started, happy fall. and i understand you had an exciting summer. you did something with your father that will live with you for the rest of your life. what is this thing that happened to you again? >> my dad and i were very close and we actually hiked part of
>> stephen: that's like 1,000 miles, right? >> yes. we didn't do 1,000 miles. we did about 80 miles from the border of mexico and up to julian. so that's, like, 80 miles. we did 80 miles. >> stephen: the desert, right. >> in desert, mountains. >> stephen: it felt like 1,000 miles, i bet. >> it definitely felt like 1,000 miles. >> stephen: snakes and. >> snakes and my father thought at one point he heard a mountain lion and decided not on tell me about didn't want you to go there but i was pretty sure i heard a mountain lion but in case it wasn't, i didn't want to freak you out. >> stephen: how would your father know what a mountain lion sound like? >> he's a pretty cool guy. he knows this stuff. >> stephen: no troubles out there? >> everything was going great, and our last kay, our last kay of hiking we had about 14 miles to go and we were going to be at julian, but at about mile 10 we
>> no, it was not good. >> stephen: you need that to live, aja. >> yeah. i am-- i am fairly aware. and it was-- it was pretty tight the whole day. so by 10 miles, when we ran out, my father was-- he's going to kill me-- he was struggling just a little bit. and he actually-- he turned to me and said, "go ahead without me. get to the highway. stop a car, and get some water." >> stephen: oh, my god. >> and bring it back. >> stephen: leave me to the lions. >> stephen: did you? did you make it to the highway? >> yeah, i just took off running through the desert. >> stephen: just randoply through the desert? >> yes, by myself. >> stephen: that seems like terrible advice. >> with, like, my pack and my trekking poles in my hand still, racing through the desert to get to the highway. and i tried to also call my sister and i had, like, 5% battery left on my phone. >> stephen: good lord. 5% battery left on the phone.
that's what happened to the donder party. >> my schanel, said i'm like an hour away. i said,"daddy told me to go on without him. we ran out of water." >> stephen: she called for you? >> she calls my mom. my mom calls the police. the police call the fire department. so i want to say my father's totally fine. and. ( cheers and applause ) and a car-- a car on the highway bottle of cold, red powerade, this angel of a man, and i did take it back to my dad. and about an hour after that as we saw the helicopters circling the area where we were, my father looked at me and says, "all i told you to do was go and get some water." ( laughter ) >> stephen: it has a happy ending.
get away with murder." my question for you is you have learned finally how to get away with murder like do you actually know some things about how to get away with murder that the rest of us don't right now? >> it would be really difficult to get away with murder i realized. being on the show, i learned that's not quite right. there would be fingerprint. you could ping our cell phones. we're definitely going to get caught in this moment i think. >> stephen: one way would be to lead an old man desert and leave him there. >> exactly! >> stephen: just advice. >> i mean, the p.c.t. is a place -- >> now you're in an incredibly powerful movie, "birth of a nation," which strangely, actually, takes its name from another movie. what did you think when you heard that they were making can "birth of a nation" when you first heard that title? >> at first i thought they were trying to make, like, a sequel. and i was extremely confused. >> stephen: the first--
look at the ku klux klan. big, bold choice. >> it would be like, i don't know how i'd look in a white hood. >> stephen: exactly, exactly. and they're not going to make that movie-- no one is ever going to make that movie unless trump wins. >> exactly. but when i did see that it was actually going to be about nat turner's slave rebellion in 1831, i thought, oh, wow, a story about the true-- like the true story of black people in this country andhe >> stephen: did you know much about that uprising before you did the movie? >> i'm very embarrassed to say that i did not. i didn't know a lot about it. and i got to do a the love great research, though, and i found out so much, especially about the woman that i play, cherry. it's really interesting -- >> she's nat turner's wife, right? >> she's nat turner we's wife,
richmond constitutional wig printed in 1831, and it's a piece of evidence that says, "i have in my position some papers that i got off nat turner's wife, cherry, by the lash." yeah! >> stephen: that's what it says in the newspaper that this person got documents by whipping the character you are playing. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: it must be an incredibly powerful thing to try to inhabit a character like that and understand what they're going through in this day and age. >> it is powerful, and it's an honor, you breathe life into her again because, you know, she existed. she was real, and she went through this, and stepping into that, even though it was a very intense experience, i'm just really grateful that i had the opportunity to do it. >> stephen: well, we have a clip here. and this is you talking to nat turner, and you need to set this up in any way? >> all i can say is at this point, the rebellion has happened. and, you know, a lot of people are being killed in the process of trying to find nat turner,
and we believe that there might have been a moment where she had an opportunity to kind of see him for one last time. >> stephen: jim. >> any word on the the other man? >> they've been hanged. all of them. they killed people everywhere for no reason at all but being black. hay say the killing till they get you. >> stephen: as i said, it's an incredibly powerful movie. thank you for that performance, and thank you for this incredible opportunity for all of us to learn something about america's past. in a heartbreaking but beautiful way. it was lovely to meet you. >> thank you so much. >> stephen: of >> stephen: "the birth of a nation" opens today. aja naomi king, everybody! we'll be right back with
stick around. ( applause ) ? ? ? ? ? only those who dare drive the world forward. what's it gonna be? an oven-baked digiorno? or waiting for delivery? did you have that beard when we ordered? a hot, fresh-baked crust? or? did we order extra soggy? don't settle for delivery. rise to the occasion. it's not delivery.
how do they make
starburst taste so juicy? they use wicked small fighter jets to shoot the juiciness into every starburst. [ pilot ] it's about to get juicy. whoo! i feel so aliii... it takes guts. [ female announcer ] starburst. unexplainably juicy. mom's got this cold. hashtag stuffy nose. hashtag no sleep. hashtag mouthbreather. just put on a breathe right strip.
i'm maggie hassan, and i approve this message. that's why i hired more state troopers... and strengthened plans for school safety. support aggressive action to destroy isis... and put
our security before my party-- opposing president obama's plan to close guantanamo. narrator: all while kelly ayotte supports reckless and dangerous donald trump. and ayotte skipped nearly half her homeland security committee hearings on border security and drug trafficking.
? ? ? ? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. >> stephen: my next guest has been a writer for "adam ruins everything" and "the daily show." please welcome alingon mitra! ( applause ) >> thank you guys so much. i'm feeling great. i'm feeling great. i just quit drinking. okay, thank you for your support, thank you. i didn't really quit. this is what i did. i cut down. i decided i'm only going to drink if it's a holiday or somebody's birthday... on facebook. ( laughter ) i got a drink with this election. i'm scared people keep dismissing truck. like last year, there were people who were like, "you guys, there's no way trump is going to be the nominee." and this year, there are people who are like, "you guys, there's
i feel like next year people are going to be like, "you guys, there's no way trump is going to be supreme overlord." ( laughter ) people are like, "oh, so you love hillary. look, you can be anti-trump and not pro-hillary. like, just because i he lauz this is how unlikable hillary is. trump said the most vile stuff about latinos, and she still had to pick a vice president who speaks spanish. trump literally said, "mexicans are rapists," and there were still latinos out there who were
it's crazy to me that there are people are going to vote for somebody because they are not a politician. "you know what i like about this guy? not a politician." yeah, but that's the job. no other situation would you be comfortable. united states never be like, oh, my god. i'm on trial for my life, but you know what i love about my lawyer? not a lawyer." ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) you get on a plane, the pilot comes on, "welcome to flight 242. i have, uhh, never done this before, but this is what the people wanted. so please put up your tray tables. or don't. it doesn't matter. pilots always have that voice. but growing up, i'd never hear that voice.
you heard that-- "uh, welcome to flight 242"-- white people would freak out. they'd be like, "red alert! he's in the cockpit already!" ( laughter ) people-- people think i look suspicious on a plane. so i will actively do things to not look suspicious, which in and of itself, highly suspicious. like, i'll smile the whole time, turn to the person next toe, and be like, "boy, i hope they're serving alcohol and pork on this." ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) all kinds of people on the plane. i met somebody the other day from stockholm, and i was like, "stockholm, that's the capital of sweden." he was like, "ya."
impressed. ( laughter ) i know your capital." but if anyone from sweden ever did that to an american? "america? your capital is washington d.c." we'd be like, "are you serious right now? i'm pretty sure it's new york." ( laughter ) ( applause ) i live in new york now. my roommate has a white noise machine to help him sleep. it just goes, "shhhhh." i think the reason it's called a white noise machine is that's the sound white people make when minorities bring up issues ( laughter ) ( applause )
shhh. mexicans are like, "this isn't a fair wage!" shhh. chinese people are like, "we're actually japanese." shhh. ( laughter ) trying to be positive, though. i started reading positive quotes on instagram. i read one that saidho the moon. even if you fail, you land amongst the stars." which is really beautiful and uplifting if you don't know science. ( applause ) because the stars are trillions of times farther away than the moon. so, really, the quote should be, "shoot for the stars. even if you fail, you won't realize because you'll have
oxygen. peep say things they don't realize all the time. i went to a restaurant with a foodie and he explained the food to me. and he was like, "this is tandoori chicken. it's made in a tandoor." i was like, "yeah, i know. i was made in a tandoor." you don't have to explain it. he was like, "i'm so sorry. why don't you explain it to me?" i was like, "okay, obviously, i don't actually know." time. and i was complaining to my white friend about this, and he was like, "shhh." ( laughter ) ( applause ) thank you guys. >> stephen: you can see him at the comedy cellar here in new york city. alingon mitra, everybody! we'll be right back.
? ? ? ( applause ) in new hampshire, maggie hassan cut taxes for small businesses, protected education... created jobs.
but kelly ayotte voted to protect tax breaks for millionaires and big oil. that's what the koch brothers and big corporate interests wanted.
they're spending millions supporting ayotte. kelly ayotte's not working for us. dscc is responsible for the content of this advertising. the outside corporate interests bankrolling question two are trying to deceive you. here's the truth: every time a new charter school opens,
according to the state's own data. which means real cuts to our kids - in arts, technology, ap classes, pre-school, bus service and more. that's why question two's opposed by the massachusetts pta and school committees all across the state. join them in voting no on question two. joe plaia: every three days,
someone in new hampshire is killed with a gun. mothers, sons, friends.
has the chance to strengthen background checks, she voted no, backing the washington gun lobby instead. then - on a bill to keep suspected terrorists from getting guns, ayotte flip flopped.
kelly ayotte's become another typical washington politician and that puts us all at risk. narrator: independence usa pac is responsible for the content of this advertising. ( cheers app ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for "the late show," everybody! have a great weekend. everybody facing hurricane matthew, please stay safe. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh