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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  October 12, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT

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>> they will be too. >> thanks for watching us tonight we appreciate it. >> have a good night. >> captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: hey, jessica, thank you so much for being here. >> of course, my pleasure. >> stephen: i want to tell you, i'm a huge fan of your "honest" company. i use your products all the time. >> thank you, that's so great. >> stephen: you know what's so great? your shampoo. i use it every day. >> really? is it working out for you? >> stephen: you bet! >> whoa... ( laughter ) that's amazing. >> stephen: yeah. i also take your prenatal vitamins every day. >> why would you need those? ( laughter ) ah... is it a boy or a girl? >> stephen: it's a burrito. ( laughter ) >> oh! i felt the kick! >> announcer: it's "the late
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jessica alba, bradley whitford and george takei, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ? ? ? ? ? ? >> stepheny! ( cheers and applause ) oh! woo-hoo! man! ( cheers and applause ) welcome to the show, everybody! thank you so much!
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thank you, ma'am. welcome to the "late show." thank you so much. please have a seat! thank you so much. you're very kind! welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. the first presidential debate is monday, september 26. we here at "the late show" will be live that night. join us, won't you? ( cheers and applause ) but, it's going to be fun, it's going to be a lot of fun. but, last night, they held like a mini debate, like an appetizer debate. an amuse douche, if you will. ( laughter ) it was something called the "commander-in-chief forum." hillary clinton and donald trump answering questions about national security. it was the first time the two of them were in the same room since trump's wedding. ( laughter ) and it took place right here in new york city, on the aircraft carrier "intrepid." it was a great night. once the two of them were on board, a lot of people were tempted to just cut the lines
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( cheers and applause ) bye-bye! ( piano riff ) say hi to the somali pirates for us! ( laughter ) now, officially, it wasn't a debate. hillary clinton was interviewed for the first half hour, and trump for the second. and in her half, she accused trump of lying about opposing the iraq war, and then later trump fired back. h against the war in iraq. i was totally against the war in iraq. from a-- you can look at "esquire" magazine from '04. you can look at before that. >> stephen: now, we did look before that, and there are audio recordings of him saying he did support the war, as well as some pretty damning recordings of everything else he has ever said. ( laughter ) but the biggest question of the night was how the candidates
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everyone's time. >> you said this: "we're going to convene my top generals, and they will have 30 days to submit a plan for soundly and quickly defeating isis." so is the plan you've been hiding this whole time, asking someone else for their plan? >> no. but when i do come up with a plan that i like and that perhaps agrees with mine, or maybe doesn't, i may love what the generals come back with, i will convene -- >> but you have your own plan? be, i don't want to-- look, i have a very substantial chance of winning-- make america great again. we're gonna make america great again. >> stephen: just to recap, he has a plan he hasn't come up with, but if the generals bring him a plan that is similar to the plan he doesn't have, he may go with that plan, which he can't tell us about because it's a secret plan that he does not have-- make america great again. ( cheers and applause ) did i miss anything?
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>> you nailed it. >> stephen: is it all there? >> yeah. >> stephen: is it all of it? i think that might have covered all of it. but since last night was not technically a debate, there's no real winner. but many have declared a loser: matt lauer. the subject was national security, and the "today show" host was an obvious choice for moderator. here he is, weighing in on military intervention in syria. last night, twitter tore him a new tweet hole with criticisms "new york" magazine summp saying, "matt lauer's interviews of clinton and trump were a complete disgrace to journalism." which i think is unfair. come on. a complete disgrace to journalism would be matt lauer dressing up as paris hilton. ( laughter ) although, once again, paris has more foreign policy experience. ( laughter ) many critics slammed lauer for asking hillary clinton the same question over and over again -- "could you hurry it up already?"
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they're going to cheat. >> now wait, let me finish. this is an important issue and i know we're on tv and we don't have a lot of time. >> i want to get to a lot of questions. >> i will talk quickly. >> i'm going to get to that subject in just a minute. secretary clinton, i'm fast running out of time. as briefly as you can. >> but i just want to say just one additional thing. >> i've got 30 seconds left. >> stephen: sorry, secretary clinton, foreign policy is like pizza delivery. if you can't get your plan out in 30 seconds or less, russia gets a free ukraine. ( laughter ) and if last night's-- we're applauding russia invading ukraine for those of you keeping score at home. and if last night's forum made you think about voting for a third party, you might want to re-think that thinking, because this morning, libertarian presidential candidate gary johnston was on the msnbc and he had a little trouble answering a basic question about syria. >> what would you do, if you
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>> about? >> aleppo. >> and what is aleppo? >> you're kidding. >> no. >> aleppo is in syria. it's the epicenter of the refugee crisis. >> okay. got it, got it. >> stephen: got it. got it. aleppo. aleppo. i thought you said "a leopard." i was like, "what would i do about a leopard? probably run away from it." but let's talk about the syrian where they make the dog food. next question, please. ( laughter ) that is embarrassing. i haven't seen someone go blank like that since i was asked, "who is gary johnson?" >> jon: whoa, whoa! ( applause ) ( piano riff ) >> stephen: i've interviewed him four times. seriously, who is gary johnson? ( laughter ) i am starting to get the feeling that guy might not win the election.
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from the past. hey, do you guys remember a fellow named ammon bundy? he's the guy who lead a standoff with police at an oregon wildlife refuge last year. yeah, you remember that? okay, so. well, he is now headed to court and it sounds like he has a good lawyer-- because they are fighting for his right to dress like a cowboy at his trial. yeah, why shouldn't he be able to dress like a cowboy? i mean, for pete's sake, the judge gets to wear a cool wizard's robe! ( laug a-guilty! expect-o-- expect-o some jail time! ( laughter ) according to his lawyer, if bundy can't dress like a cowboy, he won't seem authentic and the jury won't believe him. yeah. same way john wayne gacy never would've been convicted if he showed up to court wearing the
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be allowed to go to court dressed like a cowboy, just so long as his defense team is made up of a construction worker, an indian, a cop, a soldier, and a biker. all right? ( cheers and applause ) hell yeah. i mixed that up. i haven't been to a wedding in a while. ( laughter ) this is easily the biggest legal battle over western wear since our drummer joe saylor won the right to plazz ( laughter ) jazz cowboy! ( applause ) jazz cowboy! jazz cowboy! jazz cowboy! the cattle rustlers is coming to town! you gotta fight them off with syncopation! ? ? ? ? jazz cowboy! jazz cowboy! ? jazz cowboy! h-yah! ?
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we've got a great show tonight. jessica alba is here. and, when we return, i will be talking about a man i like to call donald trump. stick around, won't you? ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) jazz cowboy! emerge restored. fortified. replenished. emerge everyday with emergen-c packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. why not feel this good everyday? emerge and see. that's charmin ultra strong, dude. cleans so well, it keeps your underwear cleaner. so clean... you could wear them a second day. charmin ultra strong. it's 4 times stronger,
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! say hi to jon batiste and "stay human"!
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hey, let me ask you folks here... any of you go to trump university? one guy? ( laughter ) you will never forget those college memories. and you really shouldn't forget them, because they'll come in handy when the lawsuit comes. a couple years back, trump u was being investigated for fraud. there were so many complaints from former students that even florida was considering an investigation. and keep in mind, their state seal is someone dumping a body. ( but-- ( cheers and applause ) true story. it's true. we didn't make that up. that's true. ( applause ) but florida's attorney general and stepmom who can't understand why you don't warm up to her, pam bondi, decided not to investigate trump u. nobody knows why, but now it's come out that, right before she made the decision, a pac supporting her campaign received "a $25,000 gift from the donald
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( audience reacts ) yeah, same guy. now, attorney general bondi has denied that her office's decision not to join the lawsuit against trump university had anything to do with the money. and i am sure it also had nothing to do with the fact that trump held a fundraiser for her right after she dropped the investigation. so, one thing's for sure: pam bondi is the only person in the world, ever to make money from trump university. ( applause ) other than donald trump. other than donald trump. now, i don't know attorney general bondi. i don't know if she has questionable ethics. so i googled her and found this old article: "pam bondi stole my dog." ( laughter ) okay! that seems bad. but let's hear whole story. apparently, after hurricane katrina, the humane society rescued hundreds of dogs, and bondi adopted one of them in
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( audience reacts ) yeah, don't "aww" yet, there's more to the story. ( laughter ) because a year later, the family that originally owned the dog traced it to the tampa bay area, but bondi didn't want to give up the dog, which led to a 16-month fight with a family of katrina victims. but hey, everyone hates katrina victims, right? ( laughter ) perhaps the worst detail for bondi in this case that she changed the st. bernard's name to "noah," from "master tank." ( laughter ) in the world and you changed it! seriously, what sounds better, "time for dinner, noah!" or "the meat-feast is arrayed before you, master tank. take what is yours." ( cheers and applause ) i also just want to point out, refusing to give back a dog to flood victims but naming the dog after the most famous flood victim of all time, is just cold. "hi, i'm pam, this is my
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now, bondi did eventually surrender the dog. that family must have made a huge contribution. i don't know. ( laughter ) but let's go back to the other shaggy beast, donald trump. ( laughter ) he said "yeah, i cut the check, but it's only because i like bondi so much. i'm not the kind of guy who expects favors in exchange for political donations." which makes me wonder-- who's this guy? >> i give to everybody. when they call, i give. when i need something from them two years later, three years later, i call them. they are there for me. and that's a broken system. well, i'll tell you what, with hillary clinton, i said, "be at my wedding," and she came to my wedding. you know why? she had no choice, because i gave. i've given to everybody. because that was my job. i got to give to them. because, when i want something, i get it. when i call, they kiss my ass, okay?
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>> stephen: now that is a disturbing admission, partly because of its overt embrace of corruption but mostly because it makes us imagine the texture of donald trump's ass. my best guess is either cold pizza or bumpy decorative gourd. we'll be right back with jessica alba! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ? ? ? ?
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) welcome back! you know my first guest from such movies as "fantastic four," "dark angel," and "sin city." your baby may know her from her
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> hi! nice to see you, too! >> stephen: how are you? >> i'm great. you have a lovely tattoo on your wrist. i'm sorry. i just saw that. it caught my eye. >> yes, you did, didn't you? that was called my first breakup. >> stephen: really? who was that with? >> this guy. ( laughter ) >> stephen: let's move on. is that his name? >> no! no. >> stephen: what does that mean? >> it's "lotus" in sanskrit. it means the manifestation of spiritual beauty.
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up with him, i, like, found myself again. it's, like, unnecessary to talk about this. he's, like, a famous actor. ( laughter ) >> stephen: doesn't sound interesting at all. ( laughter ) okay. well, besides being a famously tattooed person, now, you are a movie star. you're a name above the title movie star, and you went and founded your own hair care products, a beauty line. what would you call what you do now? what is the "honest company?" >> it's a c.p.g. company. >> stephen: what is c.p.g.? >> consumer package goods. >> stephen: how is that different than another company? aren't all packaged goods for consumers? >> yes, but that's the category they put them in. >> stephen: okay. >> so i make laundry detergents and floor cleaners. >> stephen: like you do, if you're a movie star. how do you go from being a movie star to, you know what?
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>> you know, when i was pregnant with my first kid more than eight years ago, i actually had an allergic reaction to a laundry detergent and i was horrified someone like me could have an allergic reaction to something that was meant for and marketed for babies. my mom recommended i use it. and so i googled what the heck was in this thing that could cause this type of reaction and i learned about a lot of and potentially harmful chemicals. >> stephen: this is actually meant for a baby, to, like, toughen up the baby? ( laughter ) >> there are certain products that are marketed to people who have babies, and i just didn't realize that, you know, that there are potentially harmful chemicals in everyday products you can get off the shelf at your regular stores. so i was, like, i don't want to
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allergic reaction. so i had an idea to come up with this company that had clean ingredients but performed well, affordably priced, beautifully designed and delivered to your door! >> stephen: nicely done! just rang all the bells right there. ( applause ) how on earth -- your web site is >> yes. >> stephen: how on earth did you get that had to have been taken by a porn site or somethi who did you take that from? please be honest. >> luckily, it wasn't an adult site, but there was someone who was just sitting on it and waiting for someone to buy it. >> stephen: they were, like, it's jessica alba! >> they didn't know it was me, at first. >> stephen: uh-huh. i don't know if the guy ever knew it was me. >> stephen: he knows now. >> it was not cheap, by the way. >> stephen: you could afford it now. it's over a billion-dollar company.
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other people have put on my company, but-- >> stephen: i just put a billion dollars on it right now. i'm about to make it a $2 billion company by the end of this interview, if you just play your cards right. >> everyone go on and get some products! >> stephen: you're a big mogul, okay? you're a c.p.g. mogul, okay. does that affect the kind of decisions make about what kind of movies you want to do? because you're still making films, right? >> yes, i did a movie with jas statham that's out called "mechanic resurrection." it's different because it's more like, "do you want to go to thailand and do a fun action movie with jason statham for ten days?" i was like cool, sure? >> stephen: maybe get another tattoo. >> maybe not. it's just less dramatic. i just did it. it's just not as serious as before.
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a global scale and a tent-pole franchise and all this stuff, and now i just want to have fun. >> stephen: what is a tent-pole franchise? like a circus movie? >> it reaches multiple demographics and it's kind of a movie for everyone across the world. >> stephen: does business just come naturally to you? because you seem to have an understanding of how businesses market themselves just in the little conversation we've had now. >> you know, i weirdly always approached hollywood as a business, but now i have an actual business, is that-- >> stephen: but you're the product, as an actress, constantly selling yourself. >> that's true. ( laughter ) absolutely, it's true. >> stephen: yeah. >> for me, as an actress, in movies, i was never control of the distribution, the marketing, the final cut, the edit, so so much of my life really was in
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so it was quite frustrating to try to be-- because i like to control things-- so to try to control my destiny as an actress. >> stephen: let's talk about the things you're controlling now. >> in products, i can control other things. >> stephen: here are some of the products. >> yeah, we just launched a beauty line called honest beauty. we're in ulta beauty stores. >> stephen: what do we have here? >> sea salt spray. >> stephen: tasty? no, no, don't put it in your mouth! >> stephen: that's really salty. want some? come on, i had some. >> no, no! >> stephen: tastes like sea salt. >> there's himalayian sea salt in there. yes. >> stephen: so it's honest. there's nothing harmful. it's the honest company. >> no, no, no, not allowed to do that. >> stephen: put this on popcorn. >> not no! >> stephen: jessica alba says you can put it on popcorn. >> no, no, no!
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stays with you. ( laughter ) okay. what is this right here? these are a new line of diapers. >> we did a little limited edition collection of diapers. there are bipartisan diapers. you know, there is so much craziness out there in the world. >> stephen: they have donkeys and elephants on them. >> holding hands. >> stephen: isn't that sweet? >> you know, babies don't see blue or red, colors, race, all they do is love. >> stephen: you've given them a symbol of our democracy for them to poop on. ( applause ) >> touche! >> stephen: one of our producers' actually uses these. i mean, not him, his kids use these. he says they're really great. they'll holding hands. >> a lot of people want us to make them in your size. ( laughter ) not you, but, you know, big size. >> stephen: you talked about keeping that on the q.t. >> sorry, i didn't mean to let
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>> they are. >> stephen: why? >> because they just love each other. ( laughter ) >> stephen: not because they're about to jump off the cliff together? >> maybe so. >> stephen: well, listen, i'm always needing a little bit of help up top. >> a little volume? >> stephen: the ladies love the volume. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: can you fluff me? >> can i come behind? >> stephen: sure. >> i get to play hair dresser. i love this. i'm going to put some sea salt spray. we have v >> stephen: all right. >> a bit of that. >> stephen: while she's doing this -- ( cheering ) thank you. what are you putting on my head? >> volumizing spray. doesn't it smell good? >> stephen: it does. it tastes fantastic. >> i wanted the hair products to smell sensual, like vacation.
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( applause ) >> look at that. >> stephen: that's fantastic! let me put my glasses on and see what you've done. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: why-- why-- why, miss alba-- why, miss alba, i'm beautiful! >> i think i turned you into a hipster millennial! ( laer >> stephen: stand up and we can be together. you sit down. i'll do your hair now. the honest company's "love today" diapers and everything else are available on jessica alba, everybody! we'll be right back with bradley whitford. ( cheers and applause )
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eeling alright, baby? ? ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) welcome back to my volumized hair already in progress. my next guest tonight is the emmy-winning star of such shows as "the west wing" and "transparent". he now appears in the movie "other people." please welcome our friend, bradley whitford! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause )
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>> wow! this is a big theater you have here. >> stephen: isn't it a beautiful theater? the ed sullivan theater. very lucky to be here. >> yes. >> stephen: i may be volumized but you are really out- distinguishing me tonight. >> it turned white when trump got the nomination. >> stephen: all over? >> all over. ( applause ) >> stephen: you're like anderson cooper head to toe. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: i have since our-- the closing night party of the "colbert report." >> which was amazing. >> stephen: you came and sang with everybody at the thing. >> it was when franco was going through all the stuff. >> stephen: with the koreans trying to kill him and everything. >> i go out there and i notice weird security people, and then i realized this is henry kissinger, and i was standing right next to james franco, and
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>> two guys who both caused huge trouble in southeast asia. >> yes, in different ways. >> stephen: exactly. now, at the after-party, you may not be aware of this, but there were a lot of photos taken with you and some of the talented young women who worked for my show. >> yes. >> stephen: and here's the thing, this is what they remember most-- >> oh, no. >> stephen: other than the fact you are unbelievably charming and they love talking to you-- i want to get the quote right-- your eggs, it's more affordable than you may think." i'm going to give you an opportunity to respond-- to yourself. what was behind this one, brad whit? >> i think these women often come up to me and talk about their infertility issues.
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! for those of you-- for those of you just joining the show, jessica alba did
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hair, and we're going to leave it this way for the rest of the show. ( laughter ) my next guest tonight is a star of stage and screen, a human rights activist and a social media star. but he'll always be sulu to me. please welcome george takei. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) come on out! >> fantastic audience. >> stephen: amazing. welcome back to broadway. i know you've done broadway before. >> "allegiance" was my debut. >> stephen: you've done broadway, "star trek." before we get to anything else, who has the nerdier fans, broadway or "star trek"? >> i would say they're both
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sci-fi fans are nerdy techies, and broadway fans are star- oriented, from going way back, to today. the broadway fans are actor- oriented. sci-fi fans are techy oriented. >> stephen: okay. they want to see the special effects. >> that's right. >> stephen: okay. >> some the actors are special effects, too. >> stephen: while i enjoy broadway, i have to say that i am such a "star trek" fan, that to be here, it's such a pleasure and honor for me to be here with you, whose work i have enjoyed since i was knee high to a grasshopper, to talk about the 50th anniversary of "star trek," one of the greatest shows ever on television. ( cheers and applause ) such a pleasure to have you a groundbreaking show. here. >> for a guy pushing 80, it's wonderful to be able to say, today we're 50!
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>> stephen: so what was it like? it was, like, day one on the set with gene roddenberry, the creator, how was the show described to you? >> i can't forget that day. it was very, very special. we all met for a cold read in a conference room, and gene roddenberry and the studio executive, herb solo, were all seated up front. we were all introduced and gene explained to us what "star trek" was all about. he said the starship enterprise was a metaphor for starship earth, and the strength of this starship lay in its diversity coming together. the acronym was infinite diversity in infinite combination, idic. we were representing different parts of the planet, seeing the common challenge we have,
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capabilities, our genius for invention, innovation, we were going to boldly go where no one had gone before. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: so if the different characters, the cast and the guests every week represented the diversity of the earth and how they can solve problems together, what diverse part of earth's population did the sexy, green-skinned alien babes in the bikinis represent? >> they were not supposed to be earthlings, although they had two legs, two arms, two breasts and, you know, their bodies are green, and, so, therefore, they were supposed to be aliens. but we also had, as a member of the star fleet team, a person that was half alien, spock. he had green blood, pointy ears-- oh, spock fans here.
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>> his mother was an earth woman and his father was a vulcan. >> stephen: so it was an interracial marriage. >> intergalactic, interglobal. >> stephen: but still pretty racy for the 1960s. >> it was. but vulcans mate every seven years. so they weren't very sexy for six and a half years and then they start raging. >> that's amoc time. they go into heat. do. >> stephen: it's true. amoc time! you have to go see tapau. >> oh, you know your stuff. >> stephen: at some point i would love the studio to come under attack so we can shake back and forth and-- >> oh, like we did on the enterprise. >> stephen: exactly. which way would you go first, always left or right first? >> well, we had a director out
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your right. >> stephen: okay, left. and he would say right, and in unison, we would go like this. >> stephen: you direct us. jim, you put us on a camera. you put us under attack. i'll cry red alert and you tell us which way to go and you shake the camera, okay, john? okay. well, george, let me ask you this-- what!? red alert! >> left! right! ( siren ) ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) ( siren ) ( cheers and applause ) >> we have a great audience. >> stephen: i can't wait to go back in time and tell my
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with you. ( laughter ) george takei, thank you so much for being here. >> great to be here. >> stephen: thank you for your whole career and "star trek!" george takei, everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) bob hillery: i spent 21 years in the navy, defending america. if i only showed up half of the time, i'd have been court-martialed. but that's what senator kelly ayotte did. she missed nearly half of her homeland security hearings. security hearings, ayotte was mia... even missing a hearing the same day she went to a washington fundraiser. for ayotte, collecting campaign cash comes first. bob hillery: when it comes to fighting terrorism, fifty percent doesn't cut it. vo: votevets is responsible for
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for the "late show," everybody! good night!
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