tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS October 10, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm CDT
>> stephen: hi there everybody, it's stephen colbert. the day after the second presidentially debate but i'm not doing the show today because it's columbus day. damn you columbus for your terrible timing and for all the even though i'm at home i still want to talk to you about the debate. here we go. spectacular home edition. welcome to not the show with me not at work. we're broadcasting from my study and because we're coming to you from the internet, my cohost today will be this adorable undecided kitty. say hello mr. whisker pet. come on.
so, yesterday was the second presidential debate and like all sequels it left you wondering why do they keep making these, detail bait was overshadowed by donald's hot mick video on friday. donald trump believes if you're a star you can grab women by the, um, i would never let donald trump touch you. there you go. by the way, i don't think that's what donald trump's advisors meant when they told him to reach out to women. it was a really disturbing week even, especially for parents who had to sit down and explain to their kids who billie bush was. unlike the first debate when the two candidates met there was no happened shake. in hillary clinton's defense she now knows where that hand has been. trump immediately doubled down in his most memorable moments
[sniffing .] okay, so they clearly changed trump's debate prep. he seems to be on much stronger coke this time. and right out of the gate trump let everybody know that his comments to billy bush had a simple explanation. >> this was locker room talk. i'm not proud of it. i apologized to my family, apologize to the american people. certainly i'm not proud of it but this is locker room talk. >> stephen: by the way, what gym does donald trump belong to. in my locker room we're just trying to avoid eye contact and gently encourage old manual es to put on a -- old man wallace to put on a town. it was threatening. >> if i win i'm going to instruct my attorney general to get a special prosecutor to look into your situation because
there has never been anything like it and we're going to have a special prosecutor. >> it's just awfully good that someone with the temperament of donald trump would be in charge of our country. >> because you would be in jail. >> stephen: it's a nice line, you'll go to jail then but it's not true because hillary's got a lot of friends on wall street and those people never go to diswrail. diswrail-- jail. when dropped brought up clinton's past infidelities, hillary had her response ready. >> when i hear stuff like that i'm reminded what my friend michelle obama advised us all, when they go low, you go high. >> stephen: i don't know. if i thought trump going low, i would cover my crotch. one of the biggest moments of the night was when trump took it hard to his opponent mike pence. >> i want to remind you what your running mate said.
military force to strike the military targets of the assad regime. >> he and i haven't spoken and i disagree. >> stephen: so trump hasn't spoken to mike pence but i really think he should reach out soon because i'm pretty sure at this point mike pen is an undecided voter. it looks like there are no up lifting moments, a hero rose from the ashes. >> one more question from ken bone. >> stephen: ken bone, yes. america just got an express ticket to >ken bone, ken bone taking command of the microphone ? felt alone on to the scene walk ken ben ? kenneth bone. face the candidates with nerves with a confident voice he began to intone.
reminding environmentally friendly and minimizing plant loss for fossil workers. >> stephen: ken bone. after a ride on the bone wagon there was only one more question. >> my question to both of you is, regardless of the current rhetoric, would either of you name one positive thing that you respect in one another. >> stephen: trump always has plannity oplenty of particula t. >> i respect his children. his children are incredibly able and devoted and i think that says a lot about donald. >> stephen: in other words her favorite thing about him is five other people. people said that hillary clinton should have been tougher on donald trump, that she was too sweet.
landing on her. that was weird to see flies landing on her when she was standing so close to a giant pile of [bleep] well that's it for the home show. i hope you enjoyed it. if you'll excuse me, i've got to get back to my day off. >> it's the "late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, stephen welcomes amy schumer, omari hardwick, and michaela watkins, featuring jon batiste and stay human. theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ? captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: hey! whoa! ( cheers and applause ) ? thank you! welcome to "the late show,"
thank you so much! ( audience chanting stephen ) nice to see you! ( cheers and applause ) ? thanks so much! hey, everybody! hey! that's nice, thank you! welcome to "the late show," everybody. thank you so much. ( applause ) oh, what a lovely crowd. i got to tell you, i'm stephen colbert. i'm happy to tell you that. i want to tell you that. and it is great to be back after a two-week break, and i just want to start out by saying one simple thing, u.s.a. number one! ( cheers and applause ) u.s.a.! u.s.a.! u.s.a.! u.s.a.! u.s.a.! u.s.a.! thank you very much!
why are we chanting? because america just dominated the 2016 olympics! ( cheers and applause ) yeah! that's right, we killed it. the olympics of course, are a time that the whole world comes together and competes in the spirit of brotherhood and goodwill, so let me be the first to say: suck it, world! ( cheers and applause ) suck it, suck it in record time! we got 121 medals! and i'm not surprised. united states, i can't remember which channel, and from what i saw, apparently, only americans competed. americans, and usain bolt. of course. he's an honorary american at this point, i think, because really, let's face it, jamaica is basically tropical colorado. ( laughter ) not only did america lead in the overall medal count, we also won
silver medals, and the most bronze medals. which means we're not only number one, we're also number one at being two and three! ( cheers and applause ) we're number six! i think. i think that's math. and the majority of those american medals were won by female athletes. ( cheers and applause ) that's nice. so, i just want to say to all the boys out there, the next time somebody on the playground says you throw like a girl, you say "thank you." ( cheers and applause ) now over two dozen of those medals were won by african- american women, and on twitter people celebrated that fact with
which i guess was easier than typing hashtag #blackgirlhardworkanddedication. i don't know. ( laughter ) here to check out japanese pole vaulter hiroki ogita's failed attempt at qualifying. he goes up, hits the bar with his leg, still, looks like it's going to be fine, and coming down... boom! he knocks the bar off with a clunk is oh my god. there it is. oh, that poor man. can you imagine? just think, for the rest of his life, he'll have to tell everyone, "yeah, i went to the olympics, but i didn't win gold because my (bleep) is too big. ( laughter ) ( applause ) what are you gonna do? what are you gonna do?
( laughter ) say hi to jon batiste and stay human! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) as i said before, you know, the late show was off for two weeks, we were in reruns, but donald trump still had original episodes the entire time. ( laughter ) so let's catch up right now, in tonight's report: "what donald trump did on my summer vacation." ( laughter ) now, before i dive in, i've got to be careful here. i'm not used to taking a two- week dose of trump in one segment. he's like arsenic.
everyday so he doesn't kill you. now, while i was away, trump did something i've never seen before: he tried to appeal to someone. in fact, this was his pitch to black voters over the weekend: >> tonight i'm asking for the vote of every single african- american citizen in this country who wants to see a better future. look how much african american communities have suffered under democratic control. to those i say the following, what do you have to lose by trying something new like trump? you're living in poverty, your schools are no good, you have no jobs, 58% of your youth is unemployed. what the hell do you have to lose? ( audience reacts ) ( booing )
he's a people person. ( laughter ) very appealing. very appealing? >> jon: yeah, i'll definitely vote for that guy. ( applause ) >> stephen: you see, you're open minded. thank you jon. thank you for staying open minded. yes, black people, as far as donald trump knows, you're all you're unemployed, your last meal was i'm going to say a football with the word turkey written on it, so take a chance! what have you got to lose? it's all summed up in trump's new slogan: "you're already on fire, so you may as well shoot yourself in the head." now-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) that's a new game. i like that. now, this is going to be a bit
this is true, among black voters, in a two-person race, trump is in fourth place. ( laughter ) that's like coming in third at solitaire. ( laughter ) plus-- plus, last week, trump's campaign chairman, and joe pesci corpse double, paul manafort, resigned after ukraine's anti- corruption bureau revealed that he may have received $12 million in undisclosed payments from ukraine's previous pro-putin government. i don't know why this was undisclosed. if someone gave me $12 million, i'd be at the bar saying, "hey, guess who just got paid $12 million? oh, and by the way, you want to know why i didn't win gold in the pole vault?
( laughter ) ( applause ) so, with manafort out, trump was forced to bring in a new trump- wrangler: breitbart news chief and lesbian haircut model steve bannon. now, if you haven't heard of breitbart news, that means you do not have a racist uncle on facebook. ( laughter ) bannon is kn political brawler. according to one former spokesperson for breitbart: "he is someone who is prone to profanity-laced tirades at all hours of the night." which is a refreshing change of pace from donald trump, who likes to go to bed early. and bannon has a bold new direction for the campaign, because "bannon has convinced trump that the rest of the campaign needs to be bare- knuckles brawl with huge rallies. gloves off." that's right.
is behind in the polls is that he's been too civil, and now the gloves are off. the tiny, tiny gloves. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) by the way-- i'm fairly confident donald trump would have no trouble with the pole vault. we'll be right back with amy schumer. ? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) ? every time i travel, it's the moments that are most rewarding. because you'll never forget them. the new marriott portfolio of hotels now has 30 brands in over 110 countries. so no matter where you go, you are here.
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everybody! ( cheers and applause ) my first guest tonight-- my first guest tonight is a brilliant comedian and now the author of her highly anticipated book "the girl with the lower back tattoo." please welcome the great amy schumer! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> come on! i love the band! >> stephen: they're the best band. >> i love you, i love the band. >> stephen: i feel the same way, in my darkest moments. >> oh, wow. >> stephen: congratulations on the new book, "the girl with the lower back tattoo." >> i wrote a book.
you wrote a good book, not just a book. >> nobody thought i could read. ( laughter ) >> stephen: thank you for being here, because i understand you're feeling a little under the weather, thanks for being here. >> why, just because i'm winded from walking 20 feet? >> stephen: it's the altitude, it's two steps up. >> is it hot in here? yeah, i just finished filming a movie, i was in hawaii all summer, with goldie hawn. ( cheers and applause ) hello! such a rough life. >> stephen: that's the part we're supposed to be sympathetic about, that you spent the summer in hawaii? >> yeah, i got really sick there. i got bronchitis, and i was in the hospital so we had to stop shooting. >> stephen: you went to the hospital? >> you know it! >> stephen: like fluids and stuff like that? >> my sister and i were laughing so hard. they kept coming in. they were taking all this blood, and we just kept laughing, all the time and they kept having to take more. it was just rock bottom and, so, i couldn't speak, and i coughed so hard--
being able to speak. >> i know, it turns out, i thought the gold was just this, but it turns out it's more-- i'm, like, ariel, you have to hear my voice. but i coughed so hard i fractured my own ribs. so that still kind of smarts. >> stephen: do you want a little hot tea or something like that? >> would you mind? that's exactly what i want. thank you. self-promotion. >> stephen: a little bit. >> all you guys are the same. >> sph >> that's so nice. thank you. >> stephen: did you get to enjoy the islands? what island were you on? >> -- honolulu, oahu -- i don't know, there was a palm tree. ( laughter ) i was sick the whole time. first of all, i'm from here, so i like to sit and not move. >> stephen: yeah. >> and everyone hikes there. like, everyone hikes every day. >> stephen: they're so healthy.
cats, you will see on a hike. ( laughter ) i went hiking and somebody said, on your left -- it was, like, a baby in a diaper blowing past me. ( laughter ) >> stephen: did you go to kauai? because it's like the grand canyon of-- >> i was too sick. i was bedridden. >> stephen: i went hiking on hawaii on my honeymoon and i was humiliated, because we walked down into a canyon and i couldn't get out. ( laughter ) >> you couldn't get out. >> stephen: i thought, that's it for me, no sex for me on my honeymoon. i can't climb up a hill. it was a little emasculating. >> it was like "127 hours," but nothing was wrong with you. >> stephen: i felt like cutting off my own arm by the end of it. >> what a great way to start a marriage. >> stephen: yeah. >> hawaii didn't totally agree with me. they would hike under any circumstances. you and i which are stopped easily. i remember, it was really muddy and i asked someone and they
muddy at the top? they were, like, yes, but also there are bees up there. ( laughter ) nothing slows them down. >> stephen: don't drink the water. it has leprosy in it. >> something's wrong. >> stephen: you know what i want to get to, the last time i saw you, we were at the fanciest thing possible, we went to the met gala. >> we went to the met gala. >> stephen: look at this, this is you. ( cheers and applause ) >> oh, my gosh. >> stephen: that's all safety pins. in the front. >> those were a necessity. >> stephen: yeah, in case somebody needed to change a baby's diaper really quickly. >> i look like ben roethlisberger. >> stephen: no, you look beautiful. >> alexander wang. >> stephen: and you had a big night. >> who is that? me and beyonce, my best friend. ( cheers and applause ) wow. i saw this picture and i really wanted to post it but i didn't because can you zoom in on my face?
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( cheers and applause ) ? ? ? >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) ? we're here with our friend amy schumer. amy, congrats again on the book, "the girl with the lower back tattoo." >> a classic. >> stephen: there's actually the lower back tattoo right there. there it is. that's nice. >> have you ever heard a quieter audience? ( laughter ) now, i was 18-- this is a huge regret. >> stephen: why is it a regret? >> i could have got rid of it, but i'm, like, no, i did this to
every vacation i go on, i'm in a bikini, oh, good, there's trash here. people know. you can't hide. >> stephen: you never see it unless you get a three-way mirror. >> three-way something. look, people see it. ( laughter ) >> stephen: these are true, personal stories about your life in here. even diary entries from when you were younger. >> yeah. >> stephen: you say you're an introvert in here. >> right. >> stephen: how can you be an introvert and still play huge >> well, actually, it's a great way-- being a performer is great, because you perform. but look, you're alone up here. you can feel that, right? >> stephen: yeah. >> you're alone. >> stephen: very lonely. >> people come in, there is a performance and then you don't have to see them anymore. i'm on stage, yapping, then in my hotel room by myself. it seems strange but i am a classic introvert. yeah.
>> stephen: they are emotionally available people. >> are you guys like me? like, i don't like to talk to anyone. even if i see someone i like at the gym, i'm, like, oh, god... it's like you want to recharge and be alone. >> stephen: do you want to be with people totally on your own terms, like, just stand over there, i eventually might come talk to you if my need, my loneliness becomes great enough. >> have you been talking to my boyfriend? >> stephen: you do have a boyfriend. i saw photos of you and your boyfriend canoodling in bed on instagram. >> i was honestly telling him about some jokes i had been writing and he fell asleep. >> stephen: that's a really lonely feeling. you also talk about being out on the road, living the life of a standup, which i never did. i was in improv troupes but i never did standup. what's that like to be out on the road? >> if you're a guy, it seems fun because you get laid. ( laughter ) look at the band--
i'm sure they're all married now. >> stephen: they're just shy. >> yeah, i don't think so. >> stephen: you're a girl, it embarrasses them. >> the stand-up bassist, something's going on with him. trust me. he has an energy. he has an energy. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you have a boyfriend. >> sorry. good point. so, you know, yeah, i'm an introvert. so-- i don't know why that was supposed to be a defense for why i woul h >> stephen: yeah. >> so, yeah, the road sucks. what was the question? ( laughter ) >> stephen: the question was how are you feeling now. has the fever kicked in? >> i'm still not at 100%, that's the truth. but i'm so lucky the way i get to go on the road now. i bring my family. my brother's jazz trio opens up the show. >> stephen: really? >> yeah, we are not following the supply and demand model. ( laughter )
i kind of feel a little bit out on the campaign trail for hillary because i get to talk to the crowd a little bit. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, you know what's nice out on the road? bring a nice book with you. the nicest book i can think of is "the girl with the lower back tattoo." the author is amy schumer, everybody. everywhere books are sold, go get it!
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you got me out of the game. you. you set me up so i can take care of my family. not tommy. >> what do you want me to say? tommy egan's the boss now. guess you better do what he wants. >> stephen: please welcome omari hardwick! ( cheers and applause ) ? ? ? >> stephen: welcome. >> thank you. >> stephen: this is the first time you have been on a late night show ever, right? >> ladies and gentlemen, stephen tyrone-- for all of you who didn't know his middle name was so black-- stephen tyrone, colbert is popping my cherry. ( cheers and applause )
( laughter ) yeah, right? yeah. did we just go olympics there? did we just go pole vault? >> stephen: i think we just did. it's an honor. omari hardwick, thank you so much for being here. any relation to chris hardwick? >> way back. >> stephen: congratulations on "power" on starz, you guys just got picked up for your fourth and fifth season. >> yeah, they did a double whammy. >> stephen: yeah, good for you. so you're going to be a busy guy shooting that. how has your summer been so far? i know you're an athlete. you played football in georgia, right? >> i did. i'm from the south, as you are. >> stephen: i'm from south carolina, where are you from? >> i'm from atlanta, georgia. >> stephen: i've heard of it. i played some ball. i dove into the olympics this year. i thought it was awesome.
- many athletes didn't go of course to rio, but i thought it was some of the best olympics we've had, man. >> stephen: america kicked a little ass. kicked a little ass. ( applause ) as somebody who was a serious athlete, what do you think of the show boating of usain bolt? do you think that's arrogant or do you think that's the sort of thing that's actually good for sports? >> he literally to me stephen, he runs with the joy of an eight-year-old. he's like robin williams, rest in peace, acting. he's found the child in heart and he runs and has fun and dances right before they shoot the gun off and i think it's awesome. i think it's incredible what he does. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: he's a real performer. as a serious athlete, you played for georgia and almost for the n.f.l., right? >> yeah. >> stephen: is there a relationship between being a good athlete and being a good actor? >> sure, because how many of us have been to a game where you are bored out of our minds. then there are games you got to
>> stephen: one is baseball, one is football. >> there you go. ( laughter ) we still rooted for dennis rodman even during those moments when he put on a wedding dress. >> stephen: it's about his journey. >> it is, it's about journey. the band should have -- >> stephen: no, no, they're good. ( laughter ) >> they are good. >> stephen: it's a union thing. they're on break right now. they've got to be on break right now. you mentor some athlet >> i do. or impart whatever there is to impart. >> stephen: okay, who? >> there is two olympic athletes, carry irvin and dramond green. >> stephen: really? so you give these guys advice? how did you advise them? how do you advise them when they're both up for the n.b.a. championship? >> this year was tough. >> stephen: it must have been. >> my text messages were definitely bipolar. >> stephen: did you give dramond green any advice on stop hitting people in the groin during
>> i didn't -- >> stephen: you didn't think he was doing that? he was working them like a speed bag. >> was he really? >> stephen: yes. >> we need to look at that playback. >> stephen: you don't need to. ask the people who are still in the hospital. >> and lebron stepped over him. there was a moment where he got a little testy. he's an edgy cat. >> stephen: testy's the right word. let's talk about your character in "power." what's his story? >> equally testy. we have a great production team around a team of stars. they created a show where a man came from south side jamaica queens, he's impoverished, he's seen the hard parts of life and he's out after having dealt drugs through the greater part of new york city, so he's really he's trying to figure out how to fly straight.
white, he's breaking good from being bad and the characters that orbit around him. it's a great show. it's about new york city, new york city plays the backdrop for the show. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, congratulations. congratulations on the show. all success in the future. lovely to meet you. >> lovely to meet you back, man. >> stephen: "power" airs sunday nights on starz. omari hardwick, everybody! we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: that was a nice hug. that was a really nice hug. >> i waited a long time for that hug. >> stephen: you actually put your head on my shoulder for a second. it's like we were slow dancing for a second. >> i wept. >> stephen: thank you for being here. >> thank you so much. i'm so happy to meet you. i always thought if i met you, we would be great friends in a more natural setting. this is unnatural. >> stephen: let's pretend they're not here. this is speed dating, six minutes, let's see how it goes. >> all right. >> stephen: congratulations on "casual." >> thank you so much. >> stephen: it's a funny show and it's sad. >> yeah. >> stephen: heartbreaking. it's the story of a sister and kind of a nary do well brother and she's taking care of him beyond when she should. >> they're very co-dependent, it's very unhealthy. it's like a comedy but it's not. >> stephen: is this based on your life? i don't know. i mean, you are a comedienne.
>> stephen: aren't they all supposed to be sad? >> i have a tear on the inside. >> stephen: i'm a sad on the outside cryer. you were an improviser, right? >> i was, yes. >> stephen: where? >> i was a member of the groundlings. >> stephen: do you go do sets in los angeles? >> yes. >> stephen: i haven't done it in forever. i think i would suck now. >> no. >> stephen: it's like a sport, your backhand. you lose it if you don't use it. it could be painful to die up >> yeah, i've done that a lot. >> stephen: do you have particularly painful memories of dying on stage? >> you know, groundlings, one time i did a sketch that, in my mind, it was so funny when i wrote it, but when we put it up, yeah, it was going so badly, and i still had, like, four more minutes left of it. you could hear crickets. and i somehow projected into the audience and watched myself on
seeing and how bad it was and all that made me laugh so hard that i wet my pants. ( laughter ) >> stephen: and did you share that with the audience? >> i shared it with the stage manager who was bringing out a couch and i was, like, put it over there. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's a better story than i have. >> do you have a story? >> stephen: no, i learned to enjoy the feeling of failure. >> you did? >> stephen: yeah, yeah. you've got to learn to love the bomb. because when you improvise, like, 25% of the time, it works, and the rest of the time is waiting for it to work. audiences are patient with that because they know you're making it up, but the agony of when you know the 25% is never showing up, that you had to learn to love how terrible that felt. >> right. >> stephen: then i got addicted to sucking. >> so you like shame is what you're saying.
>> yes, i also love shame and awkwardness. >> stephen: i love singing too loud in elevators with strangers. >> you do? >> stephen: yeah. i get in there, i sing gordon gordon lightfoot. jimmy buffett. >> people are probably getting excited, colbert is singing loud in my elevator. i think when people don't know-- there is things i would love to do when people don't know who you are. when people talk really loud on phone and talk right next to them -- oh, i know! isn't it terrible! i feel the same! oh... are you on the phone, too? >> stephen: you don't need a phone to do that, just put your hand to your ear. my hand talks to me, too! it's terrible. shut up! hi! >> bye! >> stephen: your character is divorced in "casual."
>> stephen: she's having to date in her late 30s or 40. >> yeah. >> stephen: is there a difference for you? are you still dating? are you married? >> i'm not still dating because i am married. ( laughter ) >> stephen: it's a modern world, you can do what you want. >> yeah. >> stephen: i understand it's, like, welcome back to the neighborhood. they used to work around here. >> i used to work across the street in a terrible, soul- sucking waitressing job. >> stephen: is there any other kind? where was the place? >> it was called martini's. i can say it because they were horrible to me. >> stephen: they're gone now right? >> yeah, they're gone. ha ha! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: it can be tough. did you ever get to say, i'm out of here? >> no, i never got that moment. i was working one time when somebody else did. it was such a big corporate restaurant. >> stephen: and everybody is an actress or actor. >> and everybody is an actress or actor. i didn't know half the people
i want to tell you what they did. but we're on network-- >> stephen: it's okay. what did they do? >> we did silverware roll-ups, people come in, throw it around, they don't know it took us 20 minutes to do that. so we're rolling those up, yeah, and then all of a sudden the back door opens and this girl, who looked a lot like lili taylor but i don't know if it was, so lili taylor opens the -- i mean, it's 9:00 a.m., we're all miserable, i don't know why she took it out on us, but she screams, "hey, everybody, i just got a job in a movie, so i quit and (bleep) you!" ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you never--
chance to yell that at that restaurant. >> no. >> stephen: do you want to do it right now? let's go do it right now. come on! let's live the dream! ( cheers and applause ) come on! come on! we're going out this way. all right, come on! come on! ( cheers and applause ) right out here. so this is a restaurant right across theee >> right across the street, yeah. >> stephen: all right. get yourself back in that mind frame. all right. >> oh, man! this is really great. >> stephen: all right, here we go. >> this is a real bucket list moment for me. >> stephen: imagine that they're still there. >> okay. ( cheers and applause ) hey, martini's! i'm on stephen colbert!